How To Please a Pillow Princess, by a Pillow Princess

feature image by Manuela via Getty Images

I’m an avowed pillow princess — the enthusiastic recipient to sexual touch. Like a sweet, elegant cat. Much like cats, we’re also frequently misunderstood. Here are some basics about meeting us in the middle.

Pillow princess is a storied term in queer culture that describes people who enjoy sex as a receiving partner. It has its roots in 90s lesbian circles, where pillow princesses often mixed with stone partners who insisted on providing sexual pleasure. It’s evolved beyond lesbian-identified people, but the term isn’t always viewed positively. I’d love to dispel some myths and offer some pointers about meeting us.

What’s a Pillow Princess?

The main requirement to being a pillow princess is having a strong interest in being the partner who receives sexual touch. How deeply that matters can vary a lot. Some people insist on it. Others, like myself, prefer being a receiving partner and find that role more comfortable.

While the concept originated in lesbian circles, it doesn’t have to be locked to a gender. Anyone can describe themselves as a pillow princess if they find it fitting. Pillow prince is sometimes used as a masculine form. I’m open to ideas for a genderless version, too. A pillow paramour? Cushion companion? Bolster beneficiary?

What a Pillow Princess Isn’t

Okay, time for some mythbusting.

Lazy

I really don’t like this one. Alongside terms like starfish and mattress queen, being called a pillow princess has become associated with laziness. It’s often stricken from its rich, queer origins and used to deride people. Sexual pleasure looks different for everyone and characterizing us as “lazy” is missing the point of what it means to be a receiving partner.

Necessarily Femme

Pillow princesses evolved from lesbian dynamics that often involved a masculine “top” partner and feminine “bottom” partner. Maybe that’s where the snappy, gendered alliteration came from. That historical context is important, but people don’t have to be femme to prefer receiving pleasure. That plays into a stereotype of femininity being sexually passive, which is unhelpful.

Disinterested

Perhaps even worse than being thought of as lazy, we get painted with the brush of indifference. Sex can be a chore, but it’s a wide leap to treat everyone in a group as apathetic. On the contrary, pillow princesses are often very interested in sex — so interested that we want to communicate our needs clearly.

How To Make Your Pillow Princess Happy

So you plan to meet a pillow princess. Call me biased, but I think everyone involved is very lucky. Let’s talk about making the time as enjoyable (and comfortable) for all.

Treat the label as an affectionate letter

An interested pillow princess who tells you about their sexual interest is communicating their desires. It’s a disclosure of how we want to spend time with you and an invitation into our mind. Sexual communication is often difficult, so it can be downright refreshing to have someone give you a broad-strokes version of what they want in bed. Like anyone, we adore being listened to and having an open line of communication.

Discuss interests and boundaries

Just because someone has told you about their sensuality shouldn’t remove your say. Understanding someone’s identity is a base to work from, but we all have unique boundaries and needs. Take time to learn what being a pillow princess means to your partner and how they enjoy sex. I’m a low-pressure lover who dislikes exertion due to a disability. Others mix sex with low-intensity activities like a show or snacks. Talking is the best way to find out.

Guide and be guided

Good sex with a pillow princess is like topping a kinky submissive. Your partner appreciates you just for taking the lead and it only gets better from there. Like many kinksters, we’re sensation lovers — being present and seen is pleasurable to us. So take what you’ve learned about your partner to have sex that you’ll both adore. Lead the festivities but be willing to listen to your partner’s guidance.

A comfy place

If savoring a relaxed partner’s whole self sounds like the stuff of dreams, then pillow princesses might be a match for you. We relish the chance to show a new person the intricacies of our bodies. In fact, if any of the advice I described looks a lot like standard good practice, you’re definitely on the right track. The basics of communication and respect always apply.

And lots of soft cushions. Maybe a snack, too…

You Need Help: Am I Invisible to Other LGBTQIA People?

Q:

I have a dilemma that you all might have advice on.

I’m an agender, biromantic asexual in my early 30s who would love to be in a relationship. I’ll admit I’m not great with flirting or initiating relationships, but I’m wondering if I give off “straight vibes” or something. Nobody comes up to flirt or ask me out either in general life or at queer events.

I’m an introvert by nature but years of customer service work means I can pretend to be more outgoing, and I’m a pretty warm and friendly person, or so my friends say. I have even tried dressing ‘more queer’ but I still seem to fly under the radar.

My question is: How can I make myself more obvious to the girls, gays and they’s around me? How do other people usually attract others?

A:

Hi! Believe it or not, this is a pretty common dilemma for LGBTQIA folks of all identities and personalities! While I do think extreme extroverts sometimes have it easy because they’re willing to walk up to strangers and say “hi I’m gay” or can more comfortably “make the first move” in flirting situations, I consider myself to be somewhere in the middle of the introvert/extrovert spectrum and still intermittently struggled with flagging as queer in dating/flirting contexts when I was single.

As far as wanting more people to come up to you and flirt or ask you out, confidence and having a strong sense of self goes a long way. Be yourself. Don’t change aspects of your personality. I already see you identifying some of your own strengths in this letter. You say you’re warm and friendly, so lean into those things. I do think dating and “putting yourself out there” does often necessitate stepping outside of your comfort zone a little bit. Sometimes, you really do get what you give. What I’m saying is you might have to occasionally approach people instead of waiting for them to approach you. The more you do it, the more practice you’ll get. But it’s also possible that if people see you going up to others at queer events, they’ll feel more comfortable coming up to you, too.

There isn’t a secret formula for attracting others, but again, confidence does go a long way. Think about the things you like about yourself. Write them down even. Those things you like about yourself are things someone else could like, too. Assume everyone thinks you’re hot. These might sound like silly little self-love exercises, but they indeed will build your confidence muscles, which will in turn help you when it comes to meeting people.

I wouldn’t take it personally that people aren’t approaching you first. To be honest, I think everyone is struggling with social skills and meeting new people these days, something I usually connect back to periods of isolation during the early parts of the ongoing Covid pandemic.

As for making yourself “more obvious to the girls, gays, and theys” around you, this is something I still struggle with sometimes. Even though I’m monogamously partnered now, I still like flagging as queer in social settings, especially because I’m trying to make more queer friends. That has felt even more urgent to me but also more complicated since moving to Florida. Having queer friends here feels so meaningful. But I also can’t always flag in the easy ways I did before, like when I would wear my Autostraddle DYKE DRAMA shirt to bars in New York. There are plenty of safe spaces where I could wear that shirt here in Orlando, but there are also contexts where I wouldn’t want to have my queerness on as big of a display. That said, I’ve found a lot of ways to subtly flag, like wearing a beaded bracelet that says DYKE (which would only really be visible close up) or tbh by wearing my Yellowjackets letterman, which has led many a queer to approach me to talk about the show. My friend made really cute earrings for herself that are in the colors of the ace flag, which her fellow ace folks are usually able to clock but which just sort of look like funky earrings to those not “in the know.” You can definitely get creative like that!

It’s truly that sometimes ace folks can feel invisible in queer spaces. Ace writer and academic Ela Przybylo wrote a really great essay about it and other discrimination ace folks face for Ace Week this year. If you don’t already have a strong community of ace friends in your life, I highly recommend working in that in tandem with your efforts to date. Dating and seeking out relationships is always easier when you have a strong network of friends and sense of community.

Good luck out there! I promise you’re not giving off straight vibes, because that’s not really a thing. Dating is hard, and sometimes you really do have to take risks and get uncomfortable in order to connect with strangers. It’s okay to wait for people to approach you, but I think a mixture of being the person to approach someone else and letting people come up to you might be the way to go here. Have fun, be yourself, and show off the parts of your personality you like best.

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You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

I’ve Been Non-Monogamous for Eight Years — These Are My Mistakes and Lessons for Happier Loving

feature image photo by Cavan Images / Pippa Samaya via Getty Images

Like most people, I had the misfortune of being raised with monogamy as the default option. I only discovered the vibrant alternatives during my first serious relationship at age 21. Since then, ethical non-monogamy has been my default.

I turned 29 this year, and my love for a non-monogamous existence remains constant. With my third decade on the horizon, I’d love to share some of my mistakes and lessons for happier polyamory. I want to have it on record so I can come back and grimace at myself a few years from now.

Non-Monogamy Lesson One: Labels Should Serve the Telationship

Ethical non-monogamy wasn’t as popular when I began taking part in 2015. The language around diverse relationships and sexualities wasn’t as developed. I raised eyebrows and procured questions when I mentioned my open relationship. Or was it a non-monogamous pairing? Maybe it was a polyamorous thing. I wasn’t sure what to call it.

I wanted to transgress the monogamous norm without raising too many eyebrows. Maybe raise a few in piqued interest but not all of them in unfettered gawking. I wanted my casual partners to feel secure in seeing me — like it wasn’t cheating. I wanted my “person” to be comfortable in what we were — beyond the “what are we” conversation. I skipped between labels in search of the perfect mix of trendy, comfortable, and unremarkable. I only found uncertainty.

Being able to label ourselves is an expression of personhood and agency. It’s taking the world by the short-hairs and finding our own corner. We’re homo-romantic and poly and ace and gay and so many vibrant possibilities. But those labels are only good to us when they serve our enjoyment of the world. Not the other way around. This doubles in importance when we introduce new ways to love into the complex web of our personhood.

I’m just in an open relationship now.

Non-Monogamy Lesson Two: Be on the Same Team

My first attempt at non-monogamy began when my then-girlfriend “opened up” our relationship. More specifically, I was unhappy with monogamy and wanted an open relationship. You can see where this is going. She pointed out repeatedly that she wanted monogamy, but acceded because she didn’t want to lose the relationship.

My behavior was impulsive and heedless. I failed one of the most basic tenets of good relationships: mutuality. I changed our relationship against her wishes. We were no longer a team.

Opening up that relationship strained it. She felt like I wasn’t in love with her anymore. I sensed her discontentment whenever we argued. Her interests weren’t being respected, but I was seeing new people. A few months later, we ended a two-year relationship. All the talk of marriage and becoming each other’s special person didn’t matter in the end. It only would have counted if everyone involved was heard and respected.

Years later, we reconnected and became best friends. She’s in a tight coupling with a man. They share a roof with three cats, two dogs, and one raucous bird.

Non-Monogamy Lesson Three: We All Reach Readiness at Our Own Pace

My current relationship began with the crucial “what are we” talk. I explained to Lucy that ethical non-monogamy was my preferred state. This was a lot for her to take in, since I’m both older and her first serious partner. That relationship did happen and remains our happy place after five years. She’s behind me right now. Being gay with that vampire fellow.

In the first years, there was still tension. When we made it official, I had a pretty specific idea of what our relationship would look like. I pictured trysts with new people on Tinder, Maybe Lucy and would break off for dates with interesting people and chat about it afterward. I saw other people when I could, but she didn’t. I thought the issue was her lack of experience, so I always encouraged her to explore and meet new people. She found an occasional coffee date but nothing further.

The truth was that she wasn’t ready to explore outside of her relationship yet. She’s not me. Nor is she the fantastical person I conjured in the early months of our relationship. Lucy is quiet, reserved, and slow to trust. She’ll do things precisely when she’s ready.

She found readiness this year when she explored outside of our relationship for the first time. One person quickly became two. She’s now helping herself to the perks of an open relationship. Not because of my encouragement, but because she’s ready.

***Here’s to many more years of learning, reflection, and great encounters.

I’ve dated freely for eight years now. It’s not for everyone, but freedom fits me in a way monogamy can’t. My experience of love has been marked by learning, mistakes, and lost relationships. Nothing ever met my expectations, but it’s almost more satisfying to miss my expectations and learn about myself than reach a goal thoughtlessly.

May we all find the care and love we need.

You Need Help: Dating Makes Me Sad

Q:

I’m a queer cis woman in my late twenties and I feel completely undateable and with no idea how to get around it. When I try to put myself out there it typically has the effect of getting my hopes up and letting me down again, which leads to a few months of rocky mental health where I’m too afraid to try again. I can’t do this forever. I want to meet someone and at very least I’d like to have some kind of sex life, but every attempt seems like 1 step forward and 2 steps back.

I have lots of fantastic friends who are really supportive, but most are long-term coupled straight friends or queer friends who seem to find dating extremely easy, fun and plentiful, and neither group’s advice/ half hearted belief in my dateability really works for me. I have had two very short gay relationships that both ended making me feel worse about myself and dating in the long run. I hate clubs and bars, and every social attempt I’ve made to meet more queers has just made me feel like I’m not doing queerness enough/properly. I feel like I’m running out of ideas and am starting to feel the jealousy and difference from all my loved up/sexed up friends. How can I stop myself becoming a bitter single hag with dreams of queer love that are too painful to pursue?

A:

I think the best thing you can do for your dating life right now is to actually take a break from dating.

I don’t buy into the idea that you can only find someone when you’re not looking for them. But I do buy into the idea that our bodies and minds are often trying to tell us things and it’s hard to listen. It really does sound to me like dating has put you in a bad place mentally. Dating is hard, and it’s fine for it to feel hard! But it shouldn’t lead to this much mental unrest. If every time you jump into dating it leads to rocky mental health, then I think taking a very intentional and productive break might be what’s best for you right now.

Now, you may be wondering how that differs from other breaks you’ve taken from dating as you imply in your letter that you intermittently put yourself out there, hit that bad mental place, and then stop before putting yourself back out there again. But I think deciding to take a break before getting to that point of rocky mental health that forces you to take a break will make a difference. And the words “intentional” and “productive” are important here, too. The break should feel like it’s on your terms and it should also be a time where you actively work through the feelings that make dating hard.

You are not undateable. I promise. But feeling jealous of friends and also like you’re not “doing queerness” properly are deep-rooted insecurities that are likely holding you back from living your best dating life. I sense an internalized fear that you’re not “queer enough,” and let’s just toss that out the window, okay! You’re queer enough, and there isn’t a “right” way to be queer. If queer bars and clubs are uncomfortable for you, then don’t force yourself to go to them. There are other places and ways to meet queer people, I promise. But also, that’s not what we’re doing right now. We’re focusing on you and on addressing these underlying insecurities.

I feel like it’s common for people to talk about the societal pressure placed on straight women to find a lifelong partner, get married, etc all before the age of 30, but I think there’s often just as much pressure on queer women — plus some additional pressure that feels unique to our community. I don’t know everything about your life, but I do know it can be hard to be queer. Having a partner can feel like a lifeline for queer folks who have complicated relationships with their families or otherwise face social hardships in life. Queer love seems like the obvious antidote to queer suffering. On top of that, I know a lot of people feel like their queerness is somehow inferior or needs to be “proven” to others when they don’t have a partner. But I think all these pressures are bullshit! 1. You can find queer love outside of a romantic relationship and 2. Your queerness is valid and complete whether you’re single, dating, in a long-term relationship, married, etc.

But I also hear you. You want a relationship. Or at least you want to meet someone you have a connection with and also have some sort of sex life. You’re not asking me to present an alternative to any of that. And I promise I’m not! I’m just asking if you’re actually getting anything out of forcing yourself to date right now. I’m just asking if you might have a better shot at dating in the future if you focus intently on yourself and on unlearning the roots of your insecurities and fears. And I’m also telling you firmly that late twenties is not too old. As queer people, we can sometimes feel like we’re somehow “behind” our queer peers, but that feeling is definitely rooted in broader societal pressures and expectations.

It makes a lot of sense to me that you’re especially feeling this way after damage done by two relationships that didn’t pan out. It might help to do some reflective journaling on those relationships. But then feel free to relegate them to the past. Those two relationships do not define you, and they do not doom your future dating prospects. Even though you say they were short, it’s possible you haven’t taken enough time to heal from them.

You won’t become a bitter single hag. I’m bolding these affirmations in the hopes you’re able to really ingest them. Vanessa’s self-work homework assignment to assume everyone thinks you’re hot and desirable remains forever useful. Start small with your self-work: Make a list of the best things about yourself. Start with five things. Then do ten. Then do 15. It will feel hard, and it will feel awkward. But the things you love about yourself are the things someone else can love, too.

I hope you have friends who let you complain to them. I hope you don’t feel like a burden when you do. Dating is hard, and I feel like it’s important to talk about it being hard. You’re allowed to complain about it, to commiserate. Because that’s the other thing: You’re not alone in this feeling. You’re not the only person who thinks this is hard, who gets stressed or sad during the process of going on dates and trying to meet people. After you’ve taken some time to really focus on yourself, I encourage you to think of any of the parts of dating you do like. How can you approach dating in a way that feels the most comfortable to you? I have a friend who hated apps, hated going out due to her super busy work schedule, but still wanted to meet someone and deeply connect. She ended up using a matchmaking service, which costs money and therefore isn’t an option for everyone, but I’m just sharing because she basically had to slow down, step back, and think outside the box about how to make dating work for her. I think there could be other options out there for you, too. But first I think you need to step away from dating before you can figure out how to crush it.

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You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

How To Send Your Best Post-Date Text

Post-date text feature photo by Teraphim via Getty Images

Hello dating dykes, unbothered babes, or, perhaps, poor unfortunates who are powering through nonetheless. There’s been something on my mind lately, and it’s the art of the post-date text.

We’re usually talking after a first or a second date, here, since, by the time you’ve hung out more often, you’ve probably established a comfortable texting rhythm if things are going well. I’ve both sent and received post-first-date texts and have some opinions of my own, but I also wanted to source thoughts on the post-date-text from the Autostraddle x For Them team. What followed was an incredibly revealing conversation that definitely validated a lot of my instincts — and gave me some ideas too.

I heard from one coworker that their friends actually ASK them to help write these post-date texts, and I know that friends and dates of mine have felt anxious about similar situations. So if that’s you, bud, no worries. We’re going to break it down. So, how do you send your best post-date text? We’ve got some simple go-to’s that should be easy to follow, no matter what your comfort level is with texting sweeties right now.

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Games Are Out, Have Been Out, Being Direct With Your Post-Date Texts Is In

As it turns out, being direct and saying how you feel has its perks — and is also preferred to the point where anything else kind of feels disingenuous. We DID have a team member say that she would get into playing games when it came to texting if she sensed the other person was playing games, first, but has since shifted out of that practice toward a more direct communication style. Games someone might play include not being up front when it comes to how much you like someone, which, why? Personally, if someone intentionally makes me feel like they don’t like me that much, I’m going to… show myself the door? Wouldn’t you?

So, what’s being direct without coming on too strong? Telling the person you enjoyed the date, that you think they’re cool, texting them at all, continuing a conversation you were having, complimenting them on their date choice if they suggested something to do, whatever! You can say nice things to someone without it being weird or too much! You can also ask for another date, if you didn’t already establish that in person. You just don’t want to start acting like you’re in a relationship or asking weird intimate questions if the other person hasn’t expressed they’re into that. But, with consent, even sexting/heavy flirting isn’t too much if you’re both into it! It’s really a plan-your-own-party kind of situation.

But what if you weren’t really feeling the date, or weren’t super into the person? Assuming that things didn’t go horrendously off the rails, sending a simple “Thank you for the date. I hope you have a good week/weekend/whatever.” without any further follow-up is appropriate, and hopefully, they also feel the same way and will let things lie. If you want, you can be even more direct, thank them, and if you genuinely do want to be friends, tell them you were feeling more of a friend vibe and cross your fingers that they react maturely. (And if they don’t, it’s okay to ghost.)

And if the date was abhorrent? Ghost. Just ghost. No one wants a breakdown of why they sucked to go on a date with, so please don’t send them that, either, unless the other person did something harmful that you want them to be accountable to you for.

As Drew, Autostraddle Senior Editor said, “If the date was BAD, I will not text. My hope will be that it was a mutual feeling and I never hear from them again. If they do end up texting, I’ll respond, but if they text about meeting up again, I’ll send a gentle thanks but no thanks.”

Text As Soon As You Feel Like It

People might be used to hearing about the old three-day-rule or even just the act of leaving text messages unanswered or on read for long periods of time to create tension. Generally, the team was against this practice and preferred not to think too deeply about when to send a text.

It’s especially appropriate when queer dating to send a text making sure the other person got home safe, but that’s not the only reason to send a text. Honestly, from my perspective, queer people range from socially anxious to people who love validation and attention to anywhere in between. Your chances of upsetting someone by sending them a thoughtful text after a date are pretty low, and the chances that if you like them, that it’ll help you deepen that connection are high.

Motti, For Them’s Social Media and Comms Lead said on timing, “I do not have a single rule for texting, I find them time consuming and manipulative. If I think to text, I send it. I don’t wait a certain amount of time or try to play it cool. If I happen to see a text as soon as it’s sent I’ll respond immediately.”

Kayla, Autostraddle’s Managing Editor has a very similar ethos and was happy to explain that she’s “a shameless triple/quadruple/etc texter and always have been. And yeah I just always thought it was a nice thing to do after a date, even if the date was just okay.”

Carmen, our Editor in Chief, is in agreement: “I don’t do the ‘is it too soon to text’ thing, especially if I genuinely had a fun time, because who wouldn’t want to keep a good thing going? I think the silence/’I’m too cool to text back’ can feel like a power move, and I don’t like to play those games or date people who do.” Carmen recommends a simple “can’t wait to see you again!” as part of the text that isn’t too overbearing but is also really clear about wanting more dates!

So, there you go, if you’re wondering if you should text the cutie you had a good date with, the answer is, why haven’t you already sent that after-the-date text, friend?

Finally, I’ll just add that in the day and age of COVID as well as the world generally being on fire and all of us continuously processing horrific things, if the last text you have from a date is about them testing positive or having an exposure or going through something not too fun, it is 1,000% okay to just shoot them another text if you haven’t heard from them in a minute to check in and see how they’re hanging in there, even if it means you’re double-texting or triple-texting.

Make Your Message Personal

While I feel I may do this somewhat intuitively, I did not realize that many folks were actively fact-finding during the date as a part of a larger strategy to have specific details with which to follow up — but they are doing just that!

Carmen will make the text about the date: “If the date went well, then we’re talking about something that we talked about on the date. I love an easy research moment, because it feels specific to that person and shows ‘I was thinking about you <3’ without having to say it. If we wanted to get some dessert after dinner but the bakery had closed, I’m probably going to send you a quick brownie recipe to keep on hand for next time.”

Motti recommends that you “Fact-find like a salesman. They said they love Nike sneakers and omg… guess who just passed a store having a huge Nike sale? Better send a photo and let them know!”

Kylo, For Them’s CEO, swooped in with a new option. “I’d send a voice note,” they say, “My view is that I like to be direct and say how I feel. I think hearing my voice adds a layer of being more authentic, and it shows that maybe I haven’t got a million dates going on (I don’t like to date lots of people at once it gives me anxiety).” So, voice memos are an option! And actually, a really cute one, in my opinion. More people should be trying this!

Put it all together and you can thank them for the date, mention something specific that you have Very Intentionally Remembered apparently, send a relevant pic, and maybe even eschew texting altogether and send them a voice note!

There Is One Post-Date Texting Practice the Team Universally Despises

Motti brought up the “I should’ve kissed you” text and as the team joined the conversation, we all agreed that this is the WORST thing to say and we hate hearing it! Either ask the person if you can kiss them on the date, or keep quiet about not having gotten up the guts to ask. Not only does it come off as lacking confidence, this move can, especially, read as the sender not having anything unique to say to the person or about the date. Not the move!

There Is One Post-Date Texting Practice I Specifically Loathe

I, and others I’ve spoken to, have had the icky experience of hearing from someone in a poly situation where they’re checking in with other people or getting feedback about the date from their partners. I’d say the rule of them is that if you’re checking in with other people because that’s how your poly situation works, your date does not need the details on that process. If you talked with other partners regarding anything negative about the date, do not send that feedback to your date! That’s gross! But, a little “I can’t stop telling the polycule about you,” is cute and acceptable.

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In conclusion? You should be texting your dates if you like them, and even if the date was just kind of meh, a quick thank you and a check in to make sure both you and they made it home okay is great. But again? Were you dazzled by her smile and knowledge of 19th century poetry? Did they give you butterflies and show you a place in your city you’d never have gone to on your own, but now adore? Did you just think the queer you talked to for three hours was easy to get along with and incredibly hot? Send. That. Post. Date. Text. Do it as soon as you feel, make it personal, and if you wanted to kiss them but couldn’t get up the courage? That is something you take to your gay-ass grave. Sorry. You’re gonna have to keep that to yourself until the next date when you should probably ask if you can kiss your highly kissable date!

You Need Help: I Moved Closer to My Girlfriend but She’s Too Busy for Me

Q:

Hi!

I’ve been a relationship with my girlfriend for 2.5 years. We met 3 years ago during while I was living in Germany (though a train ride away, which was basically long distance for months at a time due to restrictions), but then I moved back to my home country to finish my studies. After 2 years we decided long distance was too much and I have moved back to Germany to do more study so we can be together.

She’s wonderful and has been really attentive to helping me settle in. However, now the dust has settled I feel like she barely has time to see me and is often too tired from all her commitments to do anything other than chill when we do see each other.

We don’t live together and our schedules are quite mismashed. I have a lot of independent study time and she has lots of meetings and classes plus a job. I’ve always loved that she is an ambitious person but now I am (maybe hypocritically) feeling that she does not really want to prioritise our relationship or adjust anything that she was doing when we lived in different countries to make time.

I know part of the issue is that I am adjusting to a new country and language and that I will feel better once I’ve made friends. However this all takes time and is difficult in a culture that is more reserved than I’m used to and where I’m not a native speaker.

What should I do? I don’t want to stop her living her life or make my loneliness her problem, but I hate having to schedule two hour time slots to see her in the weekday and having to rush when we have evenings together. She’s been really emotionally supportive and has taken on a lot of admin and stress about me moving here and being happy (much more than I realised before I arrived) and I know she cares about our relationship, but she’s also just never free!

A:

I think this is absolutely a conversation you can have with your girlfriend. You’ve been together 2.5 years, and I think it’s reasonable that you want to spend more time together. If you mutually decided long distance was too hard (which is what it sounds like), then I think you can also mutually work toward an arrangement that suits both of your needs.

This doesn’t have to look like you asking her to stop living her life. But I do think that when a long distance partner moves to be closer to another partner — especially given that that’s what both people wanted — then sometimes the partner who did not have to move does have to be open a bit to change and to figuring out how to make space for that person. You shouldn’t be the only person adapting right now. You’ve made a major life change by moving, and while I’m not saying your girlfriend needs to completely change her life or give up parts of herself on your behalf, there does need to be a sense of compromise and an acknowledgement that this is a major transition for both of you. It’s great that she’s providing a lot of emotional support and is generally helping you with your adjustment period. But if you have additional needs like wanting to spend more time together, I think it’s fair to ask for that. In many ways, it makes it easier that it’s such a specific ask.

I don’t think needing to schedule specific time together is in and of itself a problem, but it sounds like it might not be working the way y’all are doing it right now. Does she cancel or cut short those scheduled times? If so, it’s worth emphasizing that you only want to commit to scheduled time if you know it’s going to be honored in full (barring any genuinely unpredictable situations, of course, there should always be a bit of leeway because life is chaotic, especially for someone who’s balancing classes and a job). Is the time you spend together intentional and intimate? If you need to ask for things like her not being on her phone or other stipulations that might make her feel more fully present, those are also worth bringing up.

In a lot of ways, I can relate to your girlfriend. I’m often exhausted by my various commitments in life, and it can make it hard to have fun with my fiancee. Instituting regular date nights helps, especially when we can share the responsibility of planning said date nights or take turns. Something that is true for me that I’m sure is true of your girlfriend — especially, again, if she also wanted you to move closer — is that I genuinely want to spend as much time as possible with my partner. Being busy isn’t being avoidant for me. I just sometimes go down the rabbit hole of my own work. It’s a balance I struggle with sometimes, and I think one thing I’ve really realized helps is maintaining an openness to shifting and adapting as needed. There are times when it’s easier to set weekly date nights, and there are times when it’s harder, so during those times when I can’t make weekly date nights happen, what else can we do to spend meaningful time together? Breakfasts together? Walks? Something else?

It’s great that you’re supportive, but I don’t think you have to see your own needs and your desire for more time with her as working against her ambitions. There are always ways to compromise, always ways to try new things. You’ve had to make a lot of adjustments to your life (a new country and a new language are HUGE), so I think it’s okay to ask her to make some, too, especially if it’s all in service of overall relationship health. It might take a while to figure out exactly how to make it all work, but so long as you’re both working toward the goal of more quality time together, you’ll get there.

It is not hypocritical to ask her to prioritize the relationship and also do things differently than when you were long distance. Even though you’re not living together, moving to be closer to her represents a new phase of the relationship, and both parties should be feeling that. Long distance is hard, but there are also some benefits to long distance in the sense that it’s “easier” to be super present and attentive when you’re together because those moments are so rare. I’m not saying she’s taking you for granted, but I do think it could be beneficial for you both if you initiate a conversation about what you want from this relationship and why you moved closer. The person who moved shouldn’t be the only person experiencing change. I hope you both can be open to talking about this and figuring out solutions that feel good for both of you.

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You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

You Need Help: How Can I Date When I’m So Scared To?

Q:

Hi, so I’m a 24 yr old white/cis lesbian who got out of my parents fundamentalist cult when I was 18. I’ve spent a lot of time working on myself to feel comfortable being around people, and I’m probably the happiest I’ve ever been. Most people would describe me as sweet, cheerful, and very sincere. However, there’s this desperate loneliness in that I don’t know how to really date?

When I’m attracted to someone irl, I can think they’re cute and funny, but if I get a chance to know them better and have the possibility of being friends, all attraction shuts down like I’m putting up a defensive wall. On dating apps, I’ve had a few dates and one ‘talking’ phase with someone for three months (I thought she was going to kiss me, and then she told me she thought we were better as friends).

Honestly, at this point it’s like I love the idea of romance, but being unwanted makes me flinch. I’m not particularly the prettiest or skinniest girl either, and I try to be confident instead of worrying over my flaws, but I genuinely feel like there’s a gap between me and other gay girls I don’t know how to bridge. I feel like I’m running out of time somehow.

A:

First of all, I want to commend you on the work you’re already doing on yourself to feel comfortable around others. It’s huge that you say you’re the happiest you’ve ever been. You’re clearly working toward growth, healing, and self-acceptance in a really meaningful way.

That said, the thing about doing work on ourselves is that there’s pretty much always more work to be done. This is especially true when growing up in traumatic religious environments like the one you’ve described. You’re unlearning so much, and it doesn’t happen overnight. I know you know that, but I think it’s worth saying, because I think sometimes when we make a lot of progress in our self work then it can be really easy to be extra hard on ourselves. It’s easy to think: I’m good now, so my anxiety about dating shouldn’t be so big. But just because we’ve made progress in some ways doesn’t mean everything is suddenly easy. Dating requires so much vulnerability, and a fear of rejection can be such a roadblock. So, what can we do to confront that roadblock?

It does sound like you might be struggling with some internalized fatphobia and negative self-talk, especially at the end of your letter. You are not flawed. Assume everyone thinks you’re hot (that piece has so much great, actionable advice for working on self-esteem and self-image). Working through these negative perceptions of yourself and deeply internalized ideas of beauty standards isn’t just a matter of trying to be confident. It requires a lot of introspection and active work. Therapy can definitely help here. But also just trying to identify the root causes for why you feel some of these things, which you can do by journaling. There are indeed a lot of outside, systemic forces that can make us feel like we aren’t pretty enough to be loved, and as individuals we don’t have the power to destroy those systems entirely. But we can shift the ways we look at ourselves and refuse these negative narratives. We can tell ourselves we deserve love, because we do. And anyone who would reject us for how we look isn’t someone who deserves our time, energy, or love. Yes, our society puts thinness on a pedestal, but being skinny is not requited to be loved.

I’m also curious if journaling about your fears and that defensive wall you feel yourself putting up could also lead to some revelations about how your time in the cult shapes some of these views. Were there specific beliefs imposed on you that are manifesting now in your fears about dating and getting closer with people? How do you feel about intimacy in general and what things do you still have to unlearn and investigate that could be rooted in your past?

Dating apps can be a really brutal space when it comes to insecurities and internalized beauty standards, because so many of them really do hinge initially on looks and superficial details. Rejection sometimes feels even worse on these apps because it can feel constant. I would actually maybe recommend stepping away from apps for now while you do some work on yourself so you can get to a place where it’s easier to sit with those rejections. I know you’re worried about running out of time or being behind fellow gay girls, but I assure you there isn’t a simple timeline when it comes to these things. In fact, it is better to slow down than to rush.

I don’t think you need to get to a place where you’re totally okay with the idea of rejection — tbh, a lot of folks never get to that place! rejection sucks for everyone! — before you jump back into dating apps, but I do think from the sounds of your letter that it might do you good to pause, to connect more with yourself, and to figure out what it is you want. Again, journaling can be so helpful here. What is it about the idea of romance that appeals to you specifically? What kind of relationship are you looking for? What do you hope to get out of dating? Finally, what are your specific fears around dating? And what are the true roots of those fears? Instead of holding what you call flaws against yourself, identify where the sentiment that these are flaws in the first place comes from.

It’s also possible you need to do some work toward figuring out how you feel about attraction in general. What is it that shifts once you start getting to know someone better? Even if you don’t identify on the aro/ace spectrum, I think there are a lot of great ace writers who are doing work that complicates things like attraction, like this recent piece by Ela Przybylo.

Dating is hard, and dating is scary. Six years on the other side of a fundamentalist cult you were raised in isn’t a tremendously long amount of time. It sounds like you’ve made a lot of great progress, but there’s still room for introspection and growth as you unlearn being hard on and critical of yourself. Refuse to accept the narratives that have been impressed upon you and work toward a sense of self that is constructed by you, not by others. Also, remember that dating does not have to lead to a relationship to still have positive meaning in your life. You can learn so much from dating others — about yourself and about what you want — even if the conclusion is just friendship or going your separate ways. If your fear of being unwanted is making it difficult to connect with people, investigate that fear. You might not be able to banish it entirely, but you can come up with ways to battle it, especially if you start giving yourself a little more compassion and grace.

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You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

You Need Help: How Do I Get Over the First Woman I Slept With?

feature image photo by Maskot via Getty Images

Q:

I’ve had short relationships here and there with girls but when I met this one we fit almost perfectly it seemed. She was unique and liked her own things different from me, but we also shared interests and had great sexual compatibility — and she was the first and only person I’ve slept with. Even then, we only slept together twice because of circumstances before she called things off. It felt like a sudden uprooting and I felt like a new door was just opened up and then slammed as soon as it opened.

I should’ve known better because she had just gotten out of a bad relationship with a biphobic and mentally abusive ex (she’s bi herself) and she said she wasn’t sure she wanted anything — especially since she’d be going to another state for six months. Despite all of that I got feelings for her and it seemed like she returned those feelings — talked about me visiting her, things we should buy for sex, everything. Then one day I think she got overwhelmed because I sent too many memes on Instagram — I scroll through it to pass the dead time at work and send things that remind me of my friends to them.

We lasted as “friends” for a little less than a month — her level of communication greatly decreased while mine stayed the same. Eventually she stopped responding all together and when I asked if we were good she said to send less stuff, so I did. But I didn’t realize she meant send nothing at all. Eventually I asked if anything changed and she said I wasn’t matching her energy at all, but I had kept the same energy we always had. I asked her a week or two later if I could fix things so we could still be friends and she saw my message and never responded, then removed me as a follower and unfriended me on everything. I was at a bar partying with some friends when I noticed and I followed her again because my drunk self thought maybe I accidentally unfollowed her, and the next morning she blocked me.

It’s been 4 months now, but I still feel the same as I did day one. A month ago she blocked me on Spotify (I still listened to our mixed playlist, but I don’t know how she’d know I did), and then last week she friended me on tiktok (I already followed her long ago, she followed me back last week) and then blocked me. It feels like she hates me, and hates me as much as the first day she blocked me since she keeps dragging it on. I’ve not tried to reach out, but I constantly think about how when she’s back to our state I want to reach out and text her asking what’s up, I guess in some vain hope that the time and distance may have given time for things to settle down. I think these feelings are made all the more worse because she was the first person I’ve slept with, and it feels like a harsh case of right place, wrong time.

Would it be wrong to reach out? If/when that happens, or even if I don’t do that, how do I get over her? It felt like we fit perfectly like puzzle pieces until I suffocated her.

A:

I’ll start by saying I don’t think you should reach out. I just really don’t think it’ll give you what you want, and I think the only way to truly get over this person is to create a lot of space and distance — space and distance she seemingly wants as well.

I have a lot of empathy for you in this situation but also for her. I don’t think she’s been super direct in her communication, and some of her actions have technically been confusing or contradictory, like blocking you on some platforms only to then follow you on TikTok…and then block you again. But I think you have to accept that blocking you on a platform in the first place is a pretty direct sign she doesn’t want to speak with you. It doesn’t necessarily mean you did something wrong or she has super negative feelings about the relationship you had. I think sometimes people just cope with their emotions by taking extreme actions. Now, she probably was frustrated by you following her back after she soft-blocked you, but I also understand why one might do that accidentally. Being soft-blocked is not a super direct form of communication and can be more ambiguous than a full block. But I’ve been soft-blocked by folks before, and sure, it can hurt. But I ultimately have to just accept it as a boundary someone is setting.

Her telling you you weren’t matching her energy is similarly a somewhat indirect way of communicating. She asked you to send less things, when really what she meant was send nothing. She should have been clear about that, but I also think it’s possible she wasn’t sure exactly what she wanted or didn’t want to hurt you. Ironically though, it’s more hurtful to not be direct and then to lash out at the other person for not honoring a boundary you didn’t really know was set in the first place. While I wish she’d been a bit more direct, I do think that her decrease in communication was the first signal to maybe pull back a little. I do think sometimes with early relationships, in casual dating situations, or even in friendships it can be important to pay attention to communication cues, especially because we all are at different places of how well we communicate our needs/wants.

I think she wants time and space, and while I don’t think her ways of communicating that have been perfect, I do think they’ve ultimately been clear. You don’t block someone who you want to continue a friendship with. If I’m being honest, I doubt sending her too many memes was the original turning point for her when it came to your relationship and dynamic. It sounds like something else may have been going on there, which is especially hard for you to know given the combination of 1. not a ton of direct communication and 2. long distance.

Whatever her reasons are for not wanting to pursue a relationship with you, I think she has shown repeatedly now that she doesn’t want to talk. Unfortunately, closure can be elusive in situations like this. Do I think she owes a bit of communication to you, especially since you were friends before? I do. But I at the same time think it’s acceptable for her to set boundaries with you if she isn’t ready to talk or if she’s dealing with complicated emotions she’s still working through. I think it’s complicated and nuanced. And I really just think you have to let her come to you next instead of trying to talk to her. Which means you also have to accept that she might never reach out. You can also feel free to set your own boundaries though! If her following you after blocking you makes you feel weird/bad, you can ask her not to. You get to have a say if she tries to come back into your life and it gets confusing or feels fraught. It never feels good when it feels like someone is merely keeping us on the backburner.

For now, I think you need to focus on yourself and not on her. She might not give your closure, but you can seek closure on your own. Send the memes you would have sent to her to your friends. Try to minimize speculation about why she’s making her choices and focus on your own choices. Sometimes, the fit can feel perfect but it isn’t, especially when a relationship is cut short at the beginning, when New Relationship Energy is at its strongest. I don’t think you need to blame yourself for “suffocating her.” Again, I doubt that’s the main reason she started pulling away in the first place. Blaming yourself for the dissolution of the relationship isn’t going to get you anywhere. But neither will repeated attempts at contacting her, which at a certain point becomes you ignoring her boundaries. I know this relationship didn’t last very long, but I think you should take the time to grieve it like a proper breakup. Focusing your energy on moving on and healing rather than trying to reconnect is the best path forward — and not just for you, but for her, too.

I think you can hold and honor the incredible experience you had with her and how meaningful it was for you to sleep with her without needing to continue to pursue communication. What’s happening now doesn’t have to take away from how special that was for you. Hold onto your truth and remember the good parts instead of focusing so much on the aftermath. Just because it ended doesn’t mean it wasn’t a meaningful thing, one you can carry with you into the future as you work toward moving forward instead of only looking back in frustration and confusion.

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You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

25 Streaming Movies With Hot Lesbian Sex Scenes

Lesbian sex: it’s a thing we have, but it’s also a thing we watch other people have on a screen! We love a good lesbian sex scene. These formative cinematic experiences have helped make us the gay sexual creatures we are today.

Five years ago, I solicited hot lesbian sex scene tips on twitter and combined that input with my own personal opinions, which includes the opinion that Elena Undone is a bad movie and nobody should have to watch it for any reason. That list has evolved over time into this list — an up-to-date collection of the best lesbian sex scenes that you can stream right this very moment.

This is not a comprehensive list, and only represents films available to stream. I imagine if you’re here with me today reading this, you’re probably not looking for recommendations on DVDs to mail-order. Just a hunch!

This post was originally written in 2018 and has been updated in 2023.

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Kinky Lesbian Sex Scenes

Bound (1996)

Directed & Written By: Lana Wachowski & Lilly Wachowski

Lana and Lilly were fans of sex-positive guru Susie Bright’s Lesbian Sex World, so they sent her a package in the early ’90s that contained a draft of Bound, asking if she’d honor them with a cameo. (Lana and Lilly are sisters and trans women who at the time that this film was made were still presenting as male.) It wasn’t an unusual request or one that particularly interested her, but she was impressed by the studio they were associated with and thus sat down to read the script. She fell in love with it immediately and agreed to the cameo but also offered them a different type of support: “If you don’t think I’m too presumptuous, could I be your lesbian-sex consultant?,” she wrote. “I notice that whenever two lovers fall into an embrace, it doesn’t say exactly what happens next. On behalf of every moviegoer who can’t live through another syrupy, comb all lesbian love scene, could I please, please, please give you my words of advice on what two women like this would do in bed together?”  They said yes, and she did, and holy shit did that decision pay off! Bound is streaming on Paramount+.

The Duke of Burgundy (2015)

Directed & Written by: Peter Strickland

The Duke of Burgundy involves an extensive, drawn-out dom/sub relationship between a lepidopterist (somebody who studies butterflies) and the maid she brings into her home who has a lot of very kinky desires. It’s a very… unique film? There’s no actual nudity but the lingerie they’re wearing is so hot that it sort of compensates for itself. The Duke of Burgundy is streaming on Tubi.

The Handmaiden (2016)

Directed by: Chan-wook Park
Written by: Chan-wook Park and Seo-Kyung Chung, adapted from Fingersmith, by Sarah Waters

A beautiful, thrilling, meticulously plotted film; sumptuous and precise and erotically charged throughout. I could watch The Handmaiden ten times and it wouldn’t be enough but nothing will ever beat that first twisty time. Pajaba called it “the lesbian gothic psychosexual romantic thriller of our dreams.” Teo Bugbee at MTV called it “a film dedicated to getting off on the creative potential of sexuality, and by grounding that open exploration of desire in a story where two women find freedom through each other.” The sex itself isn’t kinky, but the movie is so directly about kink that it made the list anyhow. The Handmaiden is streaming on Prime Video.

Mommy is Coming (2012)

Written by: Sarah Schulman & Cheryl Dunye
Directed by: Cheryl Dunye

Cheryl Dunye’s campy sex comedy set in the Berlin queer underground finds power femme Dylan (Lili Harlow) and charming masc Claudia (played by queer porn performer Papi Coxxx) looking to spice up their monogamous relationship with some sexual adventures. Dylan finds new experiences in a BDSM sex club and Claudia, now presenting as Claude, meets an older woman at the hotel where he works who turns out to be Dylan’s Mom! “With its embrace of older bodies, bodies of color, and bodies that do not fit into any one gender, the film also reflects an ever more fluid sense of erotic queer representation,” writes Julia Bryan-Wilson in ArtForum. “All manner of configurations of desire are on display here, as an astonishing array of objects and appendages are inserted and received in various orifices.” Mommy is Coming is streaming on Prime Video.

Professor Marston & The Wonder Women (2017)

Directed & Written by: Angela Robinson

If you don’t want any men in your sex scenes, this isn’t the film for you. But if that element doesn’t turn you off, you’re in for a lesbian-written-and-directed DELIGHT. This movie is hot and kinky as hell and makes you feel like it’s okay to want what you want and it will probably inspire you to go out there and get what you want without shame or inhibition. Professor Marston & The Wonder Women is streaming on Vudu.

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Wow Just a Lot of Lesbian Sex Happening

Better Than Chocolate (1999)

Directed by: Anne Wheeler
Written by: Peggy Thompson

I’m sorry everybody but this is a mediocre film and the sex scenes give me chronic internalized homophobia but so many of you brought this up on Twitter that I felt obligated to include it. It was, for its time, pretty wonderful, and was the first movie to show a trans woman with a lesbian friend group. It does have, to its credit, a lot of sexual content — we’ve got a sex toy collector, we’ve got bodypaint sex, we’ve got shower sex, we’ve got a mom discovering sex toys, we’ve got bathroom sex complete with a line of lesbians (patiently??!) waiting to use the bathroom where sex is being had. So much sex! Good on everybody involved in this seminal film for having sex! Better Than Chocolate is streaming on Tubi.

Concussion (2013)

Directed & Written By: Stacie Passon

After a concussion, a lesbian mom decides to become a sex worker who only sees women clients, leading to a bunch of small trysts and one complicated affair. Once upon a time I was feeling not particularly sexual but knew sex was on the agenda for that evening so I turned off all the lights and watched this movie with as much devoted attention as I possibly could muster and you know what, it worked! Concussion is streaming on Vudu.

Duck Butter (2018)

Directed by: Miguel Arteta
Written by: Miguel Arteta, Alia Shawkat

In her review, Heather Hogan wrote that the sex scenes, “which feel real and are not male gaze-y in any way,” were a highlight of this mumblecore movie. Naima (Shawkat), a struggling actor in Los Angeles; and Sergio (Laia Costa); meet at a club and hook up and decide to spend a sleepless 24 hours together, having sex once an hour. Duck Butter is streaming on Netflix.

A Perfect Ending (2012)

Written & Directed by: Nicole Conn

A very hot mommi has never had an orgasm and her lesbian friends are like “okay you need to see someone” and by “someone” they mean an escort, played by undeniably absurdly hot lesbian actress Jessica Clark!! A steamy affair ignites in a film that finds a new way to be extra at every turn. A Perfect Ending is streaming on Prime Video.

Ride or Die (2021)

Directed By: Ryûichi Hiroki
Written By: Nami Yoshikawa and Ching Nakamura

This two and a half hour epic may start with a heterosexual — and bloody — sex scene but the rest of the movie is filled with lesbian longing and the consummation of that longing. Kiko Mizuhara and Honami Sato have incredible chemistry and make this gratuitous (in every sense) murder drama a real delight. Ride or Die is streaming on Netflix.

Room in Rome (2010)

Written & Directed by: Julio Medem

This is a terrible film you should probably only watch on drugs if you’re into that sort of thing. It’s also a film composed almost entirely of lesbian sex scenes and the two women involved in those scenes having conversations about their feelings and childhood trauma. Room in Rome is streaming on Tubi.

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Romantic Lesbian Sex Scenes

Ammonite (2020)

Written & Directed By: Francis Lee

This movie is as dull as the fossils it wants us to mediate on but might possibly actually be worth it for the sex scenes? They come straight out of the grey skies and sit right on your face! Full nudes! Kate Winslet finally takes that dress off!! Ammonite is streaming on Hulu.

I Can’t Think Straight (2008)

Directed by: Shamim Sarif
Written by: Shamim Shaif, Kelly Moss

I Can’t Think Straight is a tale of what happens when two very attractive women sustain intense amounts of sexual tension for a series of minutes, breaking every now and then to release that tension through sex scenes. Erin loved it! I Can’t Think Straight is streaming on Tubi.

Kiss Me / Kyss Mig (2011)

Directed By: Alexandra-Therese Keining, Therese Keining
Written By: Alexandra-Therese Keining

One way to check if you’re really falling in love or not is to have sex. Just ask these two ladies who are about to become step-sisters! It’s complicated, sure, but any lesbian could tell you that complicated is just another word for “irresistibly hot.”  Kiss Me is streaming on Tubi.

Summertime / La Belle Saison (2016)

Directed by: Catherine Corsini
Written by: Catherine Corsini & Laurette Polmanss

The poster for this film is not lying to you: The two women at the center of this story do indeed spend a lot of time naked. Set in 1971, Catherine Corsini’s sex and protest filled romance is about a young woman from the French countryside who moves to Paris to get away from her parents, where she falls in with a group of politically engaged feminists and falls in love with their leader Carol. They even have great French countryside sex! Summertime is streaming on Prime Video.

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There’s Only One Lesbian Sex Scene But It Sure Is Hot!

Atomic Blonde (2017)

Directed By: David Leitch
Written By: Kurt Johnstad

My jaw dropped right there in the movie theater when this sex scene began because it was so hot and so real and there it was in a mainstream movie! “Honestly I really thought Atomic Blonde was the best I’ve ever seen,” wrote @nollers on Twitter, “which sounds ridiculous because the scenes are so short, but the heat felt real and the progression felt natural and sincere. It was so passionate and honestly, I’m a sucker for the little bit of danger.” Atomic Blonde is streaming on Prime Video.

Bruised (2020)

Directed By: Halle Berry
Written By: Michelle Rosenfarb

Halle Berry showed a lot of directorial talent in her debut feature and that talent included shooting an incredible lesbian sex scene between herself and Sheila Atim! It’s tender and erotic and specific and marks a real shift for her character. Some sex scenes are frivolous — this is one of the best parts of the whole film. But it still makes this category because it is, above all else, very hot. Bruised is streaming on Netflix.

Chloe (2010)

Directed by: Atom Egoyan
Written by: Erin Cressida Wilson

An erotic thriller that sees Catherine (Julianne Moore) hiring Chloe (Amanda Seyfried) to attempt to seduce her husband but, of course, we know how these things go. She finds Chloe’s descriptions of hooking up with her husband to be kinda hot and before you know it the two ladies have a romp of their own. Can you endure the entire ridiculous film for three minutes of Julianne Moore and Amanda Seyfried having lesbian sex? There’s only one way to find out! Chloe is streaming on Netflix.

The Hunger (1983)

Directed By: Tony Scott
Written By: James Costigan and Michael Thomas

While this is a film filled from beginning to end with a dangerous sexuality, there is one scene that stands out. If you’ve seen the film, you know the scene. Susan Sarandon spills sherry on her see-through white t-shirt and Catherine Deneuve is like you better change and then the two of them are in bed surrounded by billowy white curtains and they’re fucking and sucking and sucking blood. Forty years later it’ll still make you swoon. The Hunger is streaming on Prime Video.

Je, tu, il, elle (1974)

Written & Directed by: Chantal Akerman

Chantal Akerman’s body of work always rewards patience. That’s true in this film when it comes to cinema and lesbian sex. After spending most of the film hiding in her room and then traveling with a man, the protagonist played by Akerman arrives at her ex’s apartment. The film ends with 15 straight minutes of full-on fully-naked clawing folding connecting yearning lesbian sex. Je Tu Il Elle is streaming on Max.

The Watermelon Woman (1997)

Written & Directed By: Cheryl Dunye

Video store clerk and filmmaker Cheryl is making a documentary about Fae Richards, a Black actress as “The Watermelon Woman” who is rumored to have dated her white female director. Amid this research, Cheryl begins her own complicated relationship with Diana (Guinevere Turner). Eventually the two women find themselves having lesbian sex that the Philadelphia City Paper described as “the hottest dyke sex scene ever recorded on celluloid” when it premiered in the late 90s. The Watermelon Woman is streaming on Paramount+.

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There’s Only One Lesbian Sex Scene But It Sure Is Exciting!

The Carmilla Movie (2017)

Directed By: Spencer Maybee
Written By: Alejandro Alcoba and Jordan Hall

The two women in question shed their period outfits before settling into a solid five minutes or so of lesbian sex, executed with loving, genuine detail. Bonus points for setting it to Uh Huh Her, my own personal Sex Soundtrack of 2007. The Carmilla Movie is streaming on Prime Video.

Carol (2015)

Directed by: Todd Haynes
Written by: Phyllis Nagy, based on the novel by Patricia Highsmith

Have you heard of this movie? There’s a very nice May/December lesbian romance that eventually consummates itself. Carol is streaming on Netflix.

Disobedience (2018)

Directed by: Sebastián Lelio
Written by: Sebastián Lelio and Rebecca Lenkiewicz, based on the novel by Naomi Alderman

The first thing anybody ever learned about Disobedience was that it included a lesbian sex scene involving somebody spitting into somebody else’s mouth. “All the wetness, the spitting in the mouth, the pubic hair, the vaginas, but also leaving some of it to the audience to imagine,” said Rachel Weisz to Heather Hogan on the actual telephone, regarding this 6-minute sex scene. “Where is the other woman’s mouth, where are her fingers? It was important for him to focus on our faces to really capture that desire. There’s something very spiritual about their sex. I’m really proud of it.” Disobedience is streaming on Hulu.

Gia (1997)

Directed By: Michael Cristofer
Written By: Jay McInerney, Michael Cristofer

An erotically-charged photoshoot involving lesbian groping through a chain-link fence, followed by intense lesbian sex, followed by and also honestly preceeded by a lot of “Angelina Jolie with her shirt off.” There’s a lot of physical intimacy with her on-again-off-again girlfriend in this film, which is ultimately a tragic, heartbreaking story, based on a heartbreaking real life. Gia is streaming on Max.

Multiple Maniacs (1970)

Written and Directed By: John Waters

The only lesbian sex scene on this list involving a drag queen and the only one where a rosary is used as anal beads! The beauty of this scene is that it manages to be hilarious, sacrilegious, and still hot. There’s an irreverent sexuality here that could only be from the mind of John Waters. Multiple Maniacs is streaming on Max.

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There’s Only One Sex Scene But It Sure Is Revelatory!

Anaïs in Love (2021)

Written & Directed By: Charline Bourgeois-Tacquet

The titular character of this beautiful French farce follows her desires without shame. So when her fascination with her lover’s wife turns erotic, she follows that impulse. This culminates in an extremely hot and life-changing beach scene that disproves once and for all anyone who complains that beach sex is too sandy. Anaïs in Love is streaming on Hulu.

But I’m a Cheerleader (1999)

Directed by: Jamie Babbit
Written by: Brian Wayne Peterson and Jamie Babbit

This entire film was notoriously de-sexed in order to avoid an NC-17 rating, but the tender, softly soundtracked furtive sex scene between Graham and Megan at conversion camp holds a special place in our hearts. “But I’m a Cheerleader’s sex scene didn’t make me gay,” wrote @DeepLezPower on twitter, “but it definitely helped.” But I’m a Cheerleader is streaming on Tubi.

Desert Hearts (1985)

Directed By: Robert Louis Stevenson, Donna Deitch
Written By: Jane Rule, Natalie Cooper

Desert Hearts features the first lesbian sex scene in a lesbian-made movie to get a major theatrical release and was #4 on our list of the 50 Best Lesbian Movies of All Time, where Drew describes it as “a period piece decades ahead of its time.” Desert Hearts is streaming on Max.

Mars One (2022)

Written & Directed By: Gabriel Martins

This family drama would be a remarkable movie even if it didn’t include a brief but important lesbian sex scene. Every member of our central family has big dreams despite a society that makes mere survival a challenge. Eunice’s brother dreams of going to space — Eunice just dreams of her own apartment where she can lead a free queer life. She gets a taste of this dream and puts an empty apartment to good use by having sex with her girlfriend. Mars One is streaming on Netflix.

Saving Face (2005)

Written & Directed By: Alice Wu

Coming in at #2 on our 50 Best Lesbian Movies of All Time list, Saving Face is one of the best romcoms of all time period. Its sex scene is brief, but it’s such a rewarding and joyful sexual experience for the characters, who are by the way naked. Saving Face is streaming on Prime Video.

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Obviously not every great moment in cinematic lesbian sex was included here, which means I bet you’ll have some to add in the comments! FYI: Below Her Mouth, When Night is Falling, and If These Walls Could Talk 2 are not available to stream, so they are not included here.

You Need Help: Your Wife Doesn’t Want Sex, but There’s Something Deeper Here

Q:

My wife and I have been together for almost 10 years. When we first started dating, I had very little romantic/sexual experience, all of it almost entirely with other women. My wife came into our relationship with a ton of experience, but all of it with men. At first our sexual intimacy seemed normal — not the most frequent, but we were both enthusiastic and putting in effort and enjoying ourselves, even if we were both shy and anxious. Since then, things have deteriorated. I want to make it clear: I love my wife. I have never loved anyone in the way I love my wife and I don’t think I ever will again. I’m demisexual, meaning it’s hard for me to find someone I’m attracted to in the first place, and before I met my wife I never knew I was capable of feeling this depth of love for someone. My wife also loves me in the same surprising way. I love her so much and I love the life we’ve built together. But we basically don’t have sex anymore. I feel like I should have known something was off early into our relationship when I would want to have sex or make out like once or twice a week and she wouldn’t and just the act of me asking or trying to initiate reset some sort of counter in her head. Like talking about having sex was the same as having sex, so if I brought it up a few days later it’d be like “no, we already did that this week.” And she’d feel so pressured and like I was asking for too much. I was really inexperienced and shy and anxious and I thought that I was the problem, that I was some huge hulking horny sex monster. That me wanting more was too much, that I was too much. It got to the point where she didn’t even want to make out with me because she was worried I would want sex.

I‘ve been fat my whole life and have dealt with a lot of rejection, both romantic and otherwise, because of it. I don’t have a wealth of romantic or sexual experience outside my marriage. I’m also autistic and find it very hard to know what “normal” is — not that that should matter, since every relationship is unique, but when I was younger this was a big source of my feeling othered and rejected. Despite doing my best to work through this, I’ve spent most of my marriage still feeling this rejection. My wife has made it clear that she DOES want me and she DOES find me hot/beautiful/attractive… but the follow through just isn’t there. There’s always so many perfectly reasonable explanations: she has chronic pain, she can’t breathe easily through her nose which makes things difficult, she used to get frequent migraines, she has sexual trauma from a past relationship, she has ADHD and has trouble staying in the moment.

After the first couple years, most of the sex we did have ended up being me eating her out and then having to masturbate on my own. I found out through lots of conversation and trying to work through this that she largely dissociates through sex and the reason she was able to have a slut era before we met was because she would just lie back and take it and think about other things, but with me she wants to try and be active and she just… can’t. Which means we mostly don’t have sex. And when we do, it’s still mostly just me being active. I enjoy being the more active partner — to an extent — but when it’s all we do, I feel like it’s because I don’t deserve to be on the receiving end. That sex with me is only worth it if she doesn’t have to do anything. I know that’s not the truth and a lot of that feeling comes from how much difficulty I have orgasming (because I feel like if I could cum, then she would find more satisfaction from being active because she would find fulfillment in getting me off). I have a lot of empathy for my wife and I try my best to be understanding, but it hurts so much. We have a very open and communicative relationship. We talk through our problems and we work together and usually that works, but every conversation about sex seems to put more pressure on my wife and make her shut down even more.

We’ve tried opening up our marriage and that was its own special disaster. I don’t know if I just didn’t like our third or if I can’t feel that way for anyone other than my wife. He was more interested in me than in my wife, but I stepped out relatively early to let them be together (even tho that hurt SO much and was so hard to work through) because I wasn’t comfortable being in that kind of relationship with someone other than my wife. I’ve thought about trying it with a different person, but I just can’t see myself wanting anyone other than my wife and at this point, my wife also doesn’t want anyone else.

We’ve tried a sex calendar. It started as a day of the week. Then every other week. Then once a month. Then… never. There were always perfectly valid reasons why it couldn’t happen. Life or health or work got in the way. I manage our schedules and calendar (my wife has ADHD time blindness) so I would always be the one reminding her that it was the day we were supposed to have sex, and then when it didn’t happen (however valid the reason) I would feel double rejected. Rejected first because we weren’t sleeping together, rejected second because we had specifically agreed to this thing to try to improve our sex life and she couldn’t even stick to that. It was so much more crushing than I could have expected, to the point that I ended this arrangement because I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I’ve brought up couples therapy, brought up sex therapy, and she’s not against it but she’s never followed through and I think neither of us even know where to start looking. I don’t think a straight or neurotypical therapist would Get it. I’ve practically begged her to at least bring it up during her normal therapy and she won’t because she’s too anxious. I tried to bring it up with my therapist but her reaction was so incredulous I just shut down and eventually ended that relationship because I lost trust in her ability to help me. Our sex life has gotten bad to the point where we only had sex twice in all of last year and I couldn’t enjoy either time. I’ve become so anxious about sex that I feel totally numb to everything but my own anxiety. I’m so desperate to try to make the experience enjoyable for her that I can’t enjoy any of it. I can’t even enjoy making out anymore, which used to be one of my favorite parts of intimacy.

And despite this I still WANT sex. I’ve spent so long trying to love myself and my body and this makes me hate it because I feel like maybe if I was better, if I was more attractive and appealing, if I was more sensitive and could cum more easily, then maybe she’d want me. At this point, I’ve told her that I cannot handle rejection anymore and that if she wants to sleep with me, she needs to ask for or initiate it. And I just don’t think she ever will. I think in the almost 10 years we’ve been together that she’s initiated sex… maybe twice? I don’t know what to do. I feel like our sex life is totally broken, but at the same time I can’t seem to give up that last kernel of hope. I think the icing on top is that despite all this, my wife does not consider herself to be asexual.

And here I am, actually ace, and I’m despondent over a lack of sex in our relationship. I feel ridiculous and pathetic. I hate feeling like this and I think the worst part is how much I resent her. I don’t want to resent the person I love, but I feel like our sex life is irreparably broken. I feel like I’M broken. I don’t know what to do.

A:

Dear friend, you wrote in a while ago with this, so I hope it finds you well and perhaps no longer in this relationship. That’s correct. I do think you two should break up. I’m certainly not in your relationship, but there are a number of things I can see from your very detailed message that raised some red flags or concerns for me.

First, from your perspective, you say: “I’m demisexual, meaning it’s hard for me to find someone I’m attracted to in the first place, and before I met my wife I never knew I was capable of feeling this depth of love for someone.”

The ‘sunk cost fallacy’ seems relevant here. In your statement, I’m seeing that you feel like you’ve invested so heavily in this relationship, that you are better off sticking it out, even though it’s not working. The thing is, it’s better to be alone alone than alone in a relationship. It is. Trust me. You will feel so much better about yourself, so much less anxious, so much more able to focus on other things besides romantic love that can make you happy. So, even if you might never find romantic love again or feel it at this depth again, what I’m hearing about the relationship has made me concerned about your well-being within it and I do think that you’re better off taking that risk and going it alone.

You say: “I feel like I should have known something was off early into our relationship when I would want to have sex or make out like once or twice a week and she wouldn’t and just the act of me asking or trying to initiate reset some sort of counter in her head.”

You are absolutely right that this dynamic was an early warning sign. Look, people have different relationships to sex and their sexuality and all that can be negotiated and talked about within a relationship. But in this part of your letter, notice that you are reporting to me that you are not talking about this dynamic, and in fact, even talking about sex is now taboo within your relationship. This is unfair to you, and frankly what you’re describing here is verging on the edge of gaslighting. I do not like this for you. Your partner should be attempting to stay grounded in the same reality as you, but instead, here, she’s making a new reality. She’s saying that talking about making out or your asking to make out is the same thing as making out. That’s not true! That’s not reality! She is keeping tabs and has a “counter” in her head, which surely makes you feel watched, monitored, surveilled, less empowered in the relationship than her. That’s an unfair power dynamic! Your partner also has found a way to make you feel that you expressing your needs to her makes you into a “hulking sex monster.” I’m sorry, but sex is a part of life, and if you are a person who enjoys sex and desires sex and sexual contact within a relationship, it does not make you a monster. My intuition is telling me that there might be aspects to the ways that she’s reacting to you that leave you feeling this way. She is not having productive conversations with you. Instead, she is allowing you to or contributing to you feeling shame for feelings that are perfectly natural, normal and valid.

Similarly, not wanting to make out with you because she is worried about you wanting sex is messed up on a number of levels. 1) This indicates to you that your wanting sex is “wrong” within the context of your relationship. It isn’t wrong to want sex. It might make her feel uncomfortable, but again, that’s a conversation you need to have and that she needs to be open to having. 2) This would make me feel like the other person thought I had no self control or ability to regulate my emotions, that they think if I make out with them and then want sex and they don’t, that I’m going to react poorly or immaturely. Thus, we’re returning to a world where she is contributing to your internalizing shame about yourself that honestly doesn’t sound based in who you actually are as a person.

You write that your wife has talked about dissociating during sex, but has there ever been a conversation about or effort — on either of your parts — to understand or unpack that further? Identifying dissociation as an experience is just one step. Has there been any movement toward figuring out where it stems from or additional communication between you two about how to grapple with it? Real open communication would work toward that.

“I’ve been fat my whole life and have dealt with a lot of rejection, both romantic and otherwise, because of it. I don’t have a wealth of romantic or sexual experience outside my marriage. I’m also autistic and find it very hard to know what “normal” is — not that that should matter, since every relationship is unique, but when I was younger this was a big source of my feeling othered and rejected.”

I am concerned for you. You mention a history of rejection, which your partner does not appear to be sensitive to with her actions and words. To heal from that, wouldn’t it feel good to have someone who didn’t reject you so frequently? You also mention that you’re autistic. I’m also autistic! And I can tell you it does leave us more vulnerable to manipulation within romantic partnerships and also that, again, I do not like the way that your partner seems to be so unwilling to meet you halfway in terms of making sure the relationship dynamic is one that feels comfortable and supportive to you, as opposed to one where you feel like you’re constantly haunted by feelings of rejection. Notice that I am not saying she is obligated to have sex! No one is. But the way this is playing out on an emotional and communication level is a concern.

“We talk through our problems and we work together and usually that works, but every conversation about sex seems to put more pressure on my wife and make her shut down even more. We’ve tried opening up our marriage and that was its own special disaster.”

I’ve already said I don’t like the way these conversations are going. It sounds like your wife has something going on when it comes to sex that she is having difficulty resolving. I also can understand why opening up the relationship in any way (although I would not necessarily have gone head-first into a threesome) is difficult for you as a demisexual. Again, I feel like the way this threesome went, though, is indicative of something more insidious. You are telling us that your feelings were hurt “SO much” when you stepped away to let your wife have sex with the other person. Honestly, in a situation like this, things should stop if one person feels as uncomfortable as you’ve described yourself being. If I was having a threesome and a partner got upset, it’s not time to keep going while they leave the room! It’s time to check in! Maybe it’s time to stop things altogether, put some comfy clothes on, get everyone some tea, and talk things out. You are telling me one thing, which is that your wife and you communicate well and she cares for you, and then I am seeing something different, which is that your needs are continuously deprioritized in the relationship, and that seems to be how things play out when it comes to your wife’s actions.

“We’ve tried a sex calendar … I’ve brought up couples therapy, brought up sex therapy, and she’s not against it but she’s never followed through and I think neither of us even know where to start looking.”

Everything you’ve described in this part of the letter is so helpful, because this shows me your wife is not willing to put in any kind of effort or move into a space of discomfort in any way for you. All the while, you are the one who is perpetually in a space of discomfort. She won’t bring sex up with her therapist because it gives her anxiety? What about the anxiety you feel All The Time? Why won’t she push herself outside of her comfort zone for less than an hour, in what is presumably a safe space, and talk about something that would massively improve things for you (AND for her) if she could find a way to work through her feelings on the subject? Also, I am sorry, but there is time blindness and there are issues with scheduling, and then there are excuses and not caring. She’s had enough time and enough chances that if she cared about doing something like finding time for sex, initiating sex, seeking out a sex therapist, figuring out her relationship to sex and how she can show up for you in the relationship — she would. If she cared, she would be trying to find a solution with you. Instead, it’s all on you and you’re left holding the bag, wondering what’s wrong with you.

This is about sex, yes, because sex is a thing many people — including some ace people — need and a thing many people look for in relationships, but this is also about how you are being cared for, how you are being treated and what you’re going through. I don’t see this dynamic improving. You have exhausted so many different paths for remedying this problem. You have given your wife so many chances, and she has squandered them. There is trauma, there is neurodivergence, there are hangups we all have — but none of these things are excuses for treating a partner poorly or perpetuating a dynamic in a relationship that tanks one person’s self esteem and fosters the kind of anxiety you’re describing here. It’s going to be so hard. It’s been ten years. Divorce really fucking sucks and is scary, but I sincerely think you should move on. You are worthy of love and intimacy and, I am so sorry to say this, but this treatment does not sound like love to me. You might love her, but she is not showing you the kind of care in return that would indicate actual love. Her words are not meeting her actions. It’s time to break up.

I am sending you so many good thoughts as you go through this. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t offer you easier news or a happier solution. Still, I know that you’re strong, that you can do this, that you’ve got this.

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You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

You Need Help: How Do I Stop Bringing Baggage From My Last Relationship Into My New One?

feature image photo by Manuel Arias Duran via Getty Images

Q:

I’ve recently started dating someone and it has been lovely. They are super chill and really caring at the same time, great at communication (at least way better than me), and the physical intimacy has been pretty awesome (which is rare because I’m gray asexual and it’s alway tricky for me). We have had great conversations without rushing into things. It’s fun. Basically, it’s the loveliest start I’ve ever had to a relationship and yet I feel like I’m going crazy.

My previous relationship was completely messy. He kept blowing hot and cold, could be super intense and a week later seem completely indifferent. He cheated on me in front of my eyes with a cis person when I had just talked about struggling with my transition and heaving feelings of inadequacy (we are both trans). He was not honest about what was happening, and it started a heavy circle of anxiety and depression for me. In summary, it was very toxic and traumatic.

We have repaired some stuff over the years after breaking up, and I felt like I had overcome the biggest part of it and was ready to start something new. But the last few weeks, I have been feeling so insecure and needy, so distrustful of this genuinely great new partner, that I’m wondering if this is worth it, if I can handle it. I overthink every text, feel abandoned when they don’t reach out for a couple days. I’m also worried that if i tell them what’s going through my mind they will run for the hills because it is not for them to deal with the consequences of my ex’s behavior. I don’t feel like I have much to offer except my insecurities (I’m also really struggling with dysphoria at the moment).

Am I really ready? Should I be honest with myself and take more time to heal, even though I want to experience this relationship?

A:

At the end of every episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race, RuPaul famously asks, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else? Can I get an amen?” “Amen!” the rest of the cast shouts.

Sorry to disagree with drag icon RuPaul Charles, but I think that’s bullshit.

I’m not someone who jumps from relationship to relationship. I like having time between partners to be alone and work on myself. But over the years I’ve learned a hard truth: Sometimes there’s a limit to what we can do on our own.

It makes sense, right? If you get into a car accident and develop a fear of driving, the options are never drive again or get back in a car. Sure, you can work your way up to conquering the fear. Maybe you start by driving on side streets or in a parking lot. But if getting on the highway is something you want out of life, your only option is to get back on the highway.

When I first started flirting with my now partner, it had been about a year and a half since my last relationship. I still didn’t feel ready for something serious and circumstances made it so serious wasn’t an option. We lived in different countries and it was peak pandemic. This lowered the stakes and lowered some of my emotional walls. Before I knew it a year had passed and I was driving nine hours across the border to meet her. I still had anxieties from my last relationship, but I’d let myself fall hard enough that I pushed through them.

She and I had spent the previous years growing a lot on our own. Now we were ready to grow together. This is where it gets really scary: Growing together requires communication.

I understand the impulse to not want to scare away your new partner with your anxieties. That is the exact kind of vulnerability I struggle with too. I’d rather keep a feeling to myself especially when I think it’s irrational. What I’ve had to learn is there’s a big difference between pushing your anxieties onto another person and letting them know you’re feeling anxious.

An example. Let’s say, you text the person you’re dating and they don’t text you back right away. I’m not suggesting you let the wounds of your ex bleed into a frantic message like, “I haven’t heard from you and it feels like you don’t like me anymore.” That’s not productive. But, next time you’re with them, you can say that sometimes you feel insecure when they don’t text back right away because of your ex. You can tell them you know it’s not rational but it’s just a feeling you have and you might need a bit more reassurance. Maybe they’ll say they just aren’t great at texting while at work or with friends and then you can figure out new communication expectations that work for both of you.

Conversations like this don’t even have to be A Thing. Trust me. You will not be the first queer person to talk about your ex with a person you’re dating. That’s like queer culture. You can let your new person in on your history and what parts of that history still weigh on you without passing on that weight.

I’m really sorry your ex cheated on you and made you feel inadequate. I know that hurt is even greater since your ex is also trans. We want to feel safe when dating within our own communities and sometimes that’s not the case. It’s hard to get over a hurt like that. But it’s possible. By yourself or with a new, loving partner, it’s possible.

If, ultimately, you decide you just need more time for solo growth before being in a new relationship, that’s okay. I just want to offer the possibility that you could keep growing alongside this new person who you seem to really like and who seems to really like you. I promise, they have more growth to do too.

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You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

Lesbian Date Ideas Inspired By Stock Images

feature image photo by eclipse_images via Getty Images

There are sooooooo many ways to be a lesbian — both in reality and also according to stock photos. You can be a lesbian having a bad time during BDSM; you can be a lesbian NOT having lesbian sex; you can be a lesbian participating in homoerotic Christmas activities. Stock photography sure has a lot of ideas about lesbianism! So I thought: Why not see if the stock image overlords have some hot date ideas? I’ve got my usual go-to dates of bowling, picnics, pizza nights, etc. It’s time to think outside the dyke date box. Here are some thrilling and definitely 100% serious date ideas for you and your partner(s) to try out! Just look at these lesbians smiling in all the photos! They’re having the time of their lives! This could be you!

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Cook Soup Over an Open Flame!

This does seem like it might require having the proper cooking tools to do such a thing, but hey, if you have access to a cabin in the woods, firewood, and a large vat, why not rig an outdoor cooking situation with your beloved? Also, I love the nature poem that is the official Getty Images caption for this photo: “Two girlfriends cooking in the winte [sic] nature on a fire in the boiler. Beautiful girls bask in the fire in winter.”

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Kiss on Top of Packing Peanuts!

I think this might be Uhaul Lesbian roleplay?

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Exchange Tiny Bags in a Park!

And maybe one of you is pregnant!

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Do a Photoshoot in the Rain!

You might get cold; you might get wet. But nothing says “I love you” like getting drenched in a downpour while taking selfies.

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Decide a Tree Is Gay!

Nature is beautiful!

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Take Turns Pretending Your Eyeballs Are Fruit!

Do this to your gf and say something like “orange you so silly.” You’ll for sure get laid.

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Play Ping Pong!

Or, you know, just stand around with ping pong rackets gazing into each other’s eyes.

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Enter a Portal Into a Different Dimension!

Bonus points if the portal also makes you time travel!

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Do Your Taxes!

It’s never too early.

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Go to a Beach and Rub Sand on Each Other!

Couples who do skincare stay together or something. It’s nature’s exfoliant!

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Disengage From Society and Become Creatures of the Forest!

You deserve to abscond to the woods with your lover.

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Knife Bite!

Biting a knife!

You Need Help: My Girlfriend Doesn’t Want To Have Sex

feature image photo by praetorianphoto via Getty Images

Q:

My girlfriend and I got together about a month ago, after years of friendship and many months of secretive hooking up (very hot). The sex felt really awesome and explorative and most importantly: safe and intimate. I have only had one actual relationship before, and for her this is her first relationship. We went to university together for the last 4 years, and the “secretive hookups” started right after we graduated this year in April. We decided to be official about a month ago, and had sex a bunch right after that, but after about a week she told me that the idea of sex suddenly felt really unappealing and that she abruptly didn’t want to have sex. She assured me that no boundaries were ever crossed before, just that for the moment she didn’t want to have sex. Maybe for a few days, could be like a week, she couldn’t say.

I honestly am really glad she felt like she could talk to me about this so openly, and we seemed to land in a good spot with me saying that her not wanting to have sex for a bit didn’t change anything or make me feel any less attracted to her. I honestly did feel that way, and I never want her to feel like she isn’t enough if we aren’t having sex.

However, it’s now been about 2.5 weeks, and we haven’t really even been making out or doing other sex-adjacent things, even though we have been spending lots of time together. The hiatus from sex has really revealed to me that I think I find a lot of affirmation about being desired through even just kissing/making out — so not even doing much of that has left me feeling like maybe she doesn’t ever want to have sex, and in some way maybe that’s my fault.

Anyway, would love any input about how to talk to her about this and whether or not I even should? I just want to have sex with my girlfriend, but the last thing I want is for her to have sex with me if she doesn’t fully want to.

A:

This is absolutely something you can — and should — talk to her about.

I agree that it is good that your girlfriend felt comfortable enough to express this shift in her needs/wants to you, but it also doesn’t really sound like she gave much by way of an explanation. There are a lot of reasons people’s sex drives change; I do think you both owe it to each other to talk about it, even if this leads to uncomfortable or uncertain waters. I think it is totally reasonable and appropriate to do a check-in where you ask where she thinks this shift might be coming from. Has anything else shifted for her about the way she sees your relationship? What changed for her?

It’s possible she herself doesn’t know where this shift is coming from, and that’s okay, but when you initiate this conversation, she has the opportunity to say that. The question of why is really important here, even if there isn’t a concrete answer yet. Asking her why she has changed her mind about sex isn’t pressuring her to do something she doesn’t want to do. It doesn’t signal that something is wrong with her. It’s just an opportunity for conversation, and it’s one she should be willing to have if you are in a relationship. She is entitled to her own needs and desires — or lack thereof — but she doesn’t get to overwrite or dictate your experience in this relationship either.

You write that this has all made you feel like she doesn’t ever want to have sex and that it could be in some way your fault, and while I understand that impulse, it doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything to cause this, especially if she has assured you that her boundaries have been respected throughout this.

I don’t want to answer for her as to why this shift has occurred, because again, it could be so many things! But I do wonder if there’s something about the transition from secret hookups to “above board” hookups that has caused some tension or uncertainty for her. Sex within a defined relationship can feel really different than sex in a more clandestine arrangement. You could ask her if she has specific feelings about that and if there’s a way to cultivate a sense of secrecy and exploration that defined your sex together before within your new arrangement. Again, she might not have answers right away, but I think getting that conversation started would be a good step, especially if you’re feeling insecure or undesired. Both of your needs and desires are important here. It’s also possible that this exists entirely outside of your relationship; she could be discovering new aspects of her sexuality, especially if this is her first relationship.

To me, both of these things are true: 1. People’s sex drives can change for any number of reasons, at any time and 2. If sex is important to you, that’s valid, too! It’s all about balance, compromise, open communication, and making sure both of your needs are met. I know your mismatched desires are causing an uncomfortable incompatibility, but I don’t think it helps to pave over your own needs/wants on her behalf. Again, this does not mean you’re pressuring her. Saying sex is a priority for you is not inherently manipulative, especially if you approach the conversation from a place of wanting to really understand where she’s at. You can ask about the sex-adjacent things like making out, too. Is she comfortable with bringing that back into the relationship? What does and does not feel off limits to her right now?

The hardest part of this is having to accept that the conversation could lead to really tough choices and considerations. It’s possible you might have to redefine/restructure your relationship in some way that works for both of you. It’s also possible she really does just need some time. But you’re never going to know without asking open, honest questions or without talking about your own feelings about sex and intimacy in a relationship. Addressing all these things as early in a relationship as possible is really important and will make it easier to have tough conversations down the road. You are allowed to value your desire to have sex while respecting her lack of desire for sex right now — even if it means that your mis-matched needs might not be compatible longterm.

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You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

How To Make Planning Your Queer Wedding HOT

feature image photo by Klaus Vedfelt via Getty Images

Wedding planning isn’t exactly known for being sexy.

There are attempts to inject some sex appeal into the long and layered process. Some wedding photographers offer boudoir photoshoot add-ons, and even though I wasn’t interested in that service specifically, I had an eye toward finding a photographer who could take, well, horny photos, because hey, those are my personal priorities in life. I want my wedding photos to be hot.

I can’t speak for everyone, but for me, when my fianceé Kristen proposed, it almost reanimated a version of the intoxicating New Relationship Energy experienced at the beginning of hooking up with someone. A honeymoon phase before any actual honeymoon. We’re always extremely into each other and have high sex drives, but the engagement also brought a level of romance back to our daily lives, something that ebbs and flows for all couples. We went on dates, on trips, and found a million different ways to celebrate the engagement just between the two of us.

But then it came time to actually start planning the wedding. Time for spreadsheets and phone calls and a bunch of other nitty gritty logistical things. We were both spread pretty thin — me with my editing work and personal projects, her with finishing a draft of her next novel, not to mention just regular life obligations — so wedding planning got slotted in on the side, on late nights or over the weekend or during morning coffee. I texted my sister, my unofficial wedding planner, at odd hours and sporadically. I attempted to have as many organizational systems as possible, including the aforementioned spreadsheets, but it was haphazard and scattered.

During this time at the beginning of planning, I also encountered a lot of gendered assumptions about who was doing the bulk of the planning. People would ask me — and just me! — how wedding planning was going, even if Kristen was right there. Even though we’re two queer people getting married, we couldn’t escape the heteronormative assumption that I, as the more femme presenting person in the couple, was in charge. My feelings about this were complicated by the fact that, in truth, I am taking the lead on a lot of the planning. But it’s not because Kristen isn’t interested, excited, or willing to help. We just both know I’m more particular in my vision and that one of my favorite things in life is to plan a party, and this is the ultimate party. So, yes, I probably had more to say about how wedding planning was going, and yet I felt resentful they were only asking me.

Wedding planning wasn’t stressful back then, but I did feel an ambivalence about it. In the past couple months though, something changed. I’m loving wedding planning. Kristen is, too. We’re having genuine fun with it. And it all comes down to the solution we found to several things at once. We found a way to make wedding planning 1. More organized, 2. More of a shared experience, and 3. HOT!!!!!!!!! And it’s quite simple, really: We go on wedding planning dates.

Once or twice a week depending on how many tasks we have to get through, we pick one of our favorite date night spots where it wouldn’t be weird to bring a laptop (so more of a bar or cafe vibe versus a restaurant) and go on a date that doubles as a planning session. We make a manageable to-do list for each of these dates, usually focusing on a specific overarching task, like when we were searching for a wedding photographer and used one of these dates to look through potential candidates’ websites and socials, full wedding galleries sent by folks we’d already had consultation calls with, and scheduled calls with others. We order food and drinks, take breaks from planning, and treat it like a real date, making sure to talk about more than just the planning itself, including all the fun stuff we’re looking forward to about wedding weekend. More than once, a wedding planning date has immediately been followed by sex. We’re connecting intimately over the planning, and it’s reminding us why we’re having a big wedding in the first place. We’re obsessed with each other and want to channel that energy into throwing a really fantastic celebration of our love with all the other people we love.

Which brings me to this, the single greatest piece of wedding advice I’ve received throughout this process: Make a new Gmail account for wedding planning. I know, I know, email logistics don’t scream HOT (…for everyone). But this was a tip imparted by a wedding photographer (who we ultimately didn’t go with for budget reasons, but I’ll be forever grateful to her for this advice), and it’s a gamechanger. Make an entirely new Google account for wedding planning purposes. You can give it a cute name or just make it literally your name + your partner’s name + wedding. Start using this email to do all your vendor reachouts and consultation calls. Use the calendar to add important deadlines and payment schedules. Add wedding planning date nights to the calendar, too! Then, when you go on one of these dates, you can open up that email account and not have to also see work emails or other personal emails that might be in your other accounts. It kind of turns wedding planning into its own part time job, which honestly, sometimes it feels exactly like that! Having the shared account where all wedding things are organized makes it a lot easier to focus when planning, which then frees you up to connect in other ways on these dates, because everything is streamlined and easier to keep track of.

Wedding planning dates have made it so Kristen and I have more shared ownership over the process. It feels collaborative and infinitely more organized. It’s also just fun and sexy to plan over a glass of wine and oysters. And these dates don’t have to happen out. They can just as easily take place at home, which we’ve done during busier weeks and when we don’t want to spend too much money (because, hello, weddings are expensive as is!). Make dinner or order in. Keep it simple, keep it sexy. Maybe every time you check something off the list, you get to treat yourselves to a literal treat or…something spicier. If you want a hot, queer wedding, the planning should feel hot and queer, too.

The Cozy Under-The-Covers Sex You’re Having This Fall, According to Your Zodiac Sign

Hey there my absolutely down bad zodiac-sign havers. Wondering what kind of queer sex your sign’s going to be having this fall? I’m going to tell you, don’t worry. Take it as a suggestion, by the way, not a prediction. These are goals to lean into, vibes to ascend to, hot thoughts to think. YMMV.

Virgo season is over. And as horny and kinky as Virgoes can tend to be, this season also occurred with a Venus Retrograde, which I’m hearing is all about discovering, learning, accepting the kind of love you need and deserve — and if breakups were involved, facing facts about the kind of treatment you do not deserve. Now, it’s time to put away your to-do lists and get out your Who-To-Do lists because temperatures are dropping, there’s a chill in the air, and Michael’s apparently has pastel Halloween decor on sale.

It’s time for our favorite thing, which is finally being able to sleep under heavy covers again — a gift that climate change is slowly, gradually robbing us of as it shaves off more and more cool nights every year. Might as well enjoy it while we got it, right? Also, Mercury is pulling out of retrograde, so get ready to feel like you can actually communicate again. Which, as a frequent advice giver and editor here at Autostraddle — I can tell you that one thing we will never shut up about is the fact that when it comes to sex and queer sex, communication is key.

So get ready to hop under the covers, rot (hotly) under a weighted blanket, or dive into that pile of stuffies with someone sapphic and sexy and read on for your fall sex horoscope!

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Virgo

Hand Sex

Put down your pencils and do your carpal tunnel stretches because we’re getting back to basics. Not only is this a classic for a reason, it’s also coming up for your zodiac sign’s sexy horoscope outlook because this fall, you’re going to want to pay attention to your partner and learning more details about them. With hand sex, fingering your partner, muffing your partner, fisting your partner, or receiving any of these things — the meeting of those sensitive nerve endings under the pads of your fingers and the blood and nerves and energy pulsing under your partner’s skin (or vice versa, can’t leave the bottoms out of this) will teach you so much, about what feels good, about what your partner desires, about where you are, how to be present, and what you want.

Libra

Edging

Libra, you’re not exactly known for your enjoyment of delayed gratification, but as we move out of the recent convergence of retrogrades and embrace intentionality and slowness, there’s no better time to get comfortable under the covers and draw things out, nice and slow. New to the concept? Here’s how to edge. Whether you’re edging yourself during some under-the-covers-autumnal-masturbation, edging a partner or being taken to the brink again and again by someone yourself, this exercise will help you let go of your need to always be thinking three steps ahead. It’s time to be present, Libra, maybe so present you forget your own name.

Scorpio

Putting Your Secret Fantasy Into Words

It’s time to put in the effort to enact a long-thought-about but under-discussed or under-realized fantasy of yours. Whether you’ve been hesitant to explore these thoughts yourself, or you’ve given yourself pause with a partner, it’s time to ask yourself what you’re losing by not opening up the floor to give these ideas some air. You’re a dark Pandora’s box of desire. What’s the worst that could happen if you cracked the lid? Maybe not the best metaphor, but you get it. That thing that’s pulsing inside of you? There’s no better time to whisper it into someone else’s ear than when you’re snug and cuddling under fluffy blankets in the dark. It’s like they can barely see you. And then, who knows, you might just get what you ask for.

Sagittarius

Outdoor Sex

It’s still under the covers… but you’re outside. Under the covers and outside! The covers here might be a sleeping bag, but it still counts! And really, aren’t you under the ultimate cover, the stars and the night sky? There’s something that comforts you deeply about the crisp outdoor air catching on the spit leftover from kissing someone, while your body is toasty and wrapped in your bag. Out here, your roommates aren’t going to hear you moaning. Plus, your hair probably smells like campfire and so does your partner’s. Inhale deeply and appreciate the fact that you’re alive. This activity can be done solo, with a partner, even with one or more friends! And while outdoor sex scratches one itch, the fact that you got away for a little while before winter sets in is sure to do it for your get-up-and-get-out tendencies.

Capricon

Strap-On Sex

You’re a deep one, Capricorn, but you’re also a horny goat who wants to bury yourself deep inside a partner (or experience same). This fall, you’re pitching a tent under the covers as you wear your favorite strap-on harness — or test out a new one — and generate so much friction and heat that you’ll be able to delay turning your thermostat on for yet another night. A lot of people love to rag on the “work hard” aspect of your zodiac sign, but they really should give the “play hard” side you keep wrapped up a chance. Why? Because you’re hot.

Aquarius

Costumed Sex

When it comes to the zodiac signs, dear Aquarius, your thriftiness is oft-overlooked. This fall season, in pursuit of making under-the-covers sex more weird than cozy, your zodiac sign is hitting up the clearance section of your local Spirit and other Halloween stores. What for? You’re on the hunt for creepy contacts, realistic vampire fangs, wigs and body paint and long, sensually scratchy claws. You’re in the mood to invite the monster that lives under your bed up to join you under the covers, to be the monster, to let something nefarious and queer take over your soul and turn you into a cannibalistic succubus or a vampire priest or whatever your heart desires. Your heart does desire some pretty out-there things, though.

Pisces

Sex Inspired By Your Latest Erotic Reading Material

Hey there, friend. I know summer was hard, maybe a little busy, and that you needed some time to escape into some erotica or fanfiction or sensual audio stories. You might even be feeling like that time was lost. Not so. I think you learned a lot about yourself and your desires during. Now, comes the dare. Either share a sensual scenario with a partner or revisit one by yourself — and bring it to life. You wanted to be seduced by a sword-fighting lesbian? Did you know you can roleplay that? Did you listen to a story where someone used a certain technique or toy and found yourself absolutely pulsating thinking about the possibility? It might be time to make it a reality. You’re a dreamer, but under those soft covers, it’s a safe space to weave words from a page into out-loud moans and slippery fluids that feel like the exact opposite of paper when they’re sliding between your fingers.

Aries

Sex With Rope

Babe, I don’t even know if this is special for fall, but you are all about it. You’re spending a little more time indoors, now, maybe practicing your knots. If you’re currently sexing it up solo, self-bondage can be a soothing avenue to explore. And if you’re tying up a partner, it can’t hurt to revisit some classic ties. Plus, all of the tension between the rope and the fabric of the blankets, the comfort and the restraint, will make for some delicious play!

Taurus

A Threesome! (Or Fantasy Thereof.)

That’s right, Taurus, your zodiac sign has the potential to have a threesome if you can actually get everyone else involved on the same page. It’s no time to feel like someone else, even a Virgo or a Capricorn, is going to take the organizational load. They’re off in their own world, dealing with their own stuff. If you want people to step up to the plate and step into your bed, trust that the other adults who are into you might be willing, but you might have to do some admin work to bring the plan home.

Gemini

Morning Sex After Hot Coffee in Bed

It’s a little past your season, you sweet spring babe, and you might be tempted to sleep in. But, hear me out. What if you (maybe with a partner or two) poured yourselves some hot coffee (or tea or beverage of your choosing) and crawled back into bed to flirt while you woke up just enough to manage some sleepy kisses, and then some sleepy hands slipping under the sheets. Bonus: when your friends and coworkers ask about your healthy glow, you get to be a little coy.

Cancer

Sensual Sex While Wearing Robes Fit for Divorcées

It’s getting cold but, Cancer, your zodiac sign is having hot sex any time of the year. People think of you as a crybaby sometimes, and a nurturing figure other times, but they don’t think enough about the fact that when you’re between the sheets, you’re practically a boudoir model. You’re in search of soft or silky or lacy fabrics that make you feel like a deity. Whether you’re topping or pillow royalty, I recommend that you turn your attention to primping your appearance just before sex, so that you can really lean into the fact that it’s fall and your face no longer feels like it’s melting off. You’re trading feeling sweaty and hot for hotness, lighting scented candles, breaking out the massage oils and taking things at a measured steady pace. Maybe take a few photos to save for the winter, for when even poking your head above the covers will feel like a trial. You often worry about the future, but my recommendation is to take that energy, and use it to make memories now that you can hang onto in the long run.

Leo

Butt Stuff

Leo, you’ve been running around all summer, feeling the spotlight shining on you. But now, the spotlight has turned to your butt, or your partner’s butt, or all of the above. New to butt stuff? My dear, brave, Leo. Look no further than this butt toy guide. Anal play need not be about railing or finger-banging or moving quickly. It can also be sensual and spicy — like a Pumpkin Spice Latte! If you’re finding that your under-the-cover sex could be bolder, then it might be a good time to try some impact play. You can always soothe your partner’s peach (or have your partner sooth yours) with soft touches and warm kisses under your quilts and weighted blankets when you’re done. Feeling the distance with your long-term relationship? Start your morning by using the golden hour to take a butt selfie to send them to admire over their morning coffee.

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So, what kind of under-the-covers sex are you hoping to have this fall?

All the Chaotic Gay Questions I’ve Asked on a First Date

I’ve always been deep, emotional, moody, and existential. As an Aquarius-Virgo-Virgo, I’ve found comfort in the ebb and flow of casual dating while simultaneously over-analyzing every conversation, text, photo, and gesture my potential partner is making. My innately chaotic dating energy has molded me into the incredibly knowledgeable top-notch Perfect First Date Professional I am today.

It’s all about the questions that spark and carry the conversation. Most of my first experiences in adult dating were with women, so my go-to questions were expected, if not already asked by the person I was seeing. As I started recently dating men again, I was thrown into a culture shock of just how gay queer dating is. The following are very real examples of questions on first dates, most of them asked without much context. While some of these first dates spurred from an actual friendship (so, a more acceptable scenario to ask unhinged questions), most of these were under an app context where I literally did not know the person.

I wouldn’t recommend using these unless you want to become someone’s therapist or completely scare them away.

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What is your relationship like with your mom? 

Because who doesn’t want to get asked about their mom on a first date?

In all seriousness, I’m not sure if there’s a safe answer to this. The people who are extremely close to their moms have certainly been an issue, and the people who hate their moms have certainly been as issue. Correlation isn’t causation, but mommy issues are a real and scientific phenomenon.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

To which I say to myself “bro, what the actual fuck were you thinking.” The wildest part of this question is that I actually do have a 10 year plan. It’s not some crazy mapped out month-by-month agenda, but it’s the idea that in 10 years I want to be in X place doing X thing with X person.

Do you have color-changing LED light bulbs and/or light strips? 

I gotta be honest, every single person I’ve dated with some combination of these had been a walking red flag, and it always starts with them showing them off. LED lights aren’t a thing that just exist. You will know. They will tell you.

Picture yourself on your death bed. Now complete the phrase: “I’m so glad I ________.” 

This isn’t even a product of dark humor. I genuinely think this gives you a window into what motivates someone.

Would you want to do the New York Times 36 Questions to Love with me?

Of course I didn’t suggest we should fall in love on the first date. However, I will say that I fully did this with a first date once, and it ended in us kissing on a bench in a park so…how crazy is it actually?

How many times do you masturbate a day? 

I distinctly remember asking my first girlfriend this on our first date, fully in public drinking tea on a random Tuesday evening.

Picture yourself at a family holiday gathering (i.e. Thanksgiving dinner) and an argument unfolds between two people you love. What’s you role in this, if any at all? 

I guess I was thinking this would be a good question to weed out people who aren’t capable of conflict resolution? But that isn’t totally fair considering I become a ghost every time I’m at a family holiday gathering.

Do you have more top or bottom energy? 

This seems like a harmless question, but apparently cismen are floored by it.

Do you have nightstands on either side of your bed?

Listen, I have a whole theory on this one. Birthed from a combination of feng shui and manifesting culture, I believe the room you create is a reflection of what you’d like from life. If the person has a bed that’s centered between two nightstands (or a nightstand-desk combination), it means they are ready and willing to make room for two people and not just themselves. I kid you not — it’s the first thing I look for when someone invites me over. The fact that it’s a green flag for me is a red flag for those trying to date me. You’ve been warned.

How many friends do you have? 

A better way of asking this is “what does your support system look like?” but that’s too therapist-y for me.

What are your goals for the end of the year? 

If you’re a driven, ambitious workaholic, I suppose this isn’t an off-the-wall question. However, most of the people I’ve been on dates with give me a deer-in-headlights look when I ask this. Aren’t we all just trying to make is through the day? Yeah, me too, so why tf I am asking this question?

What did you dream about last night? 

With the caveat that if they don’t remember their dream, it’s a beige flag. There’s a reason people called me the Dream Interpreter in high school. Don’t make the mistake of letting me know your subconscious thoughts.

Vibe check: How are you feeling about me?

Bold of me to assume they would give me an honest answer to this — let alone a positive, honest answer. The more I read this, the more horribly narcissistic I sound. In my own defense, I’ll usually share a polished version of how I feel about them. The difference is that I’ve been assessing for that question the whole time, and they certainly haven’t.

Sorry if this feels like an interview. 

Not a question — more like a prompt to let me know how gay the person actually is.

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Most of the people I asked these questions to aren’t in my life anymore, if that’s any indication of how things went.

You Need Help: How Can I Help With Someone Else’s Fear of Dating?

Q:

There’s this person I really like. We met on a dating app and things are going well, but any attempt to take things further, a first date, some light flirting, is met with anxiety. Cancelling a date we’ve planned and confirmed, not replying to flirty texts until I make the move to ask what’s wrong and what I can do. I’m trying to let them set the pace, ask them questions about how they’re feeling, trying to feel out clear boundaries, they’ve even assured me they’re still interested, but I feel shut out, blocked emotionally. Is there anything I can do to support them trusting me more? Maybe being less nervous of dating in general? I wouldn’t want their fear to get in the way of what feels like a genuine connection.

A:

I was once in a very similar situation when single in my early twenties. I really hit it off with a girl I met on Tinder and felt like we had a genuine connection. We were flirty and funny over the app. Multiple times, we made plans to go on a date IRL. Multiple times, she bailed at the last minute or even intermittently ghosted. Every time, she’d re-emerge like nothing had really happened. Sure, she’d apologize, but the apology was usually vague and short and didn’t invite much conversation. Then the cycle would repeat. I was lightly frustrated, but I contributed to the pattern by never really asking directly about why she kept bailing. I’d ask how she was doing, how she was feeling, and if she wanted to keep talking (to which, she always enthusiastically replied in the affirmative). But I never asked: Hey, is there a reason you’re uncomfortable taking the next step?

She was certainly aware of her behavior. In fact, she became so anxious about having cancelled on me so many times that she eventually sent me a video of herself talking because she was worried I might think she was catfishing me since we’d never met or communicated over video. TBH, the thought had never even crossed my mind! I had dealt with her unpredictability by pursuing other folks on the app, even though there was a part of me that always longed to hear from her. (Sometimes, I wonder if her withholding behavior contributed to how invested I felt in her — not a great dynamic, to be sure!) Shortly after she sent that video, she opened up. She said she realized she wasn’t ready to date, even though she really thought she was. She liked talking to me, but every time things started to feel more “real,” she got scared. She was just off of a recent breakup, and even though she wanted to be ready to date again, she wasn’t. And her body/brain was telling her that every time she tried to make concrete plans with me, but instead of communicating it, she just bailed. Probably because that felt like the easier thing to do.

I don’t say all this to suggest that the person you’re talking to is going through the exact same thing or that they are not ready to date. I’m just using my own example as a way to demonstrate that it’s really difficult to know what’s going on with another person. In your case, it sounds like you’ve been more communicative than I was, giving them ample opportunity to open up or discuss their anxieties. If you haven’t yet, maybe explicitly asking: Is there a reason you tend to cancel dates/plans after we confirm? Make it clear you aren’t mad or judging their behavior but just genuinely interested in hearing their perspective. If they don’t want to share though, that’s also their choice, but it means you can make your own choice. You don’t have to keep talking to someone who isn’t able to match what you want and give in terms of intimacy and boundaries.

What’s hard about dating apps is that it’s easy to strike up an instant connection in terms of chemistry, rapport, etc. That can make it feel like there’s automatic intimacy and familiarity between two people, even when you’re in the beginning or casual stages of dating. It’s sometimes easier to open up over an app than it is in person. It’s not that it’s fake intimacy; it’s just different. It sounds like this person is perhaps more comfortable in that space but still have emotional walls up even there. I think a few different things could be happening here. It could be similar to my situation and this person isn’t really ready to date seriously but is on the apps to try to convince themselves they are. It could just be that this person is indeed just anxious and fearful of dating in general and takes more time to open up and commit. It could be that this person just is generally emotionally closed off in a lot of their relationships. And if that’s not going to work for you, then you can decide to move on to someone who’s going to be a better fit.

The only thing you can really do in terms of offering support is asking them what they need from you to feel comfortable. Any questions about how they’re feeling should be direct and explicit. Not just “how are you feeling” but “how are you feeling about our upcoming date” for example. Hopefully they will take the opportunity to be honest with you. But I do think it’s important to understand that sometimes people get on dating apps before they’re actually ready to date, because it feels like a low risk environment to do that in. It’s not fair to you as someone who is genuinely looking for connection and someone to date, but I do think it’s just the reality sometimes. I hope you’re able to find someone to have an open and intimate connection with — whether it’s this person or someone else.

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You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

Queer Audio Erotica Changed My Life, Helped Me Connect My Mind and Body

This Changed My Life is an ode to the small, seemingly chill purchases bought by Autostraddle writers and editors this year that made our lives infinitely better. Did these items LITERALLY CHANGE OUR LIFE? No, we’re being gay and dramatic. But perhaps a pair of sunglasses really did change your life — who are we to judge?

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I was a late bloomer when it comes to all things sex and sexuality. My first experience with porn was through my first girlfriend, who had a subscription to Crashpad, a queer and ethical alternative to mainstream porn sites. Through her, I learned about why paying for erotica is important, what makes porn ethical, and what inclusivity could really look like. Up until then, I never went venturing for sexual content because I assumed it would just consist of white cis men with white cis women. Plus, it just never seemed real or convincing.

Once my ex and I broke up, I explored — and admittedly got a little lost in — the world of unethical erotica. Still ashamed and confused, even as a full adult, I went looking for something I didn’t have to pay for since I was a student, had no money, and no ex to mooch off of. Through this long phase of exploring, I stumbled upon a queer audio erotica site through one of my favorite podcasts at the time, FANTI. The hosts were big fans of this app, and I trusted the hosts, so I gave the free download a try. At first, I didn’t totally get it. Why would I want to listen to long, drawn-out stories between people I don’t know who may or may not satisfy my needs? I figured I must be missing something because the reviews were all so stellar, so I dove a little deeper.

Dipsea is a queer audio erotica site that offers mini podcast-style episodes and series that follow some type of kink, arc, or general plot. I started playing around with the app by simply searching for tags I liked such as “Her + Her,” “Voyeurism,” or “Bondage.” It then became a process of listening and liking or disliking, very similar to how you might “like” something on Spotify or Apple Music. I started with short little stories about dating app hookups where we were in and out of the scene within 10 minutes. Then, as the algorithm learned what I liked, I was introduced to longer stories about ex-lovers, friends with benefits, a person with their repairwoman, a married couple trying to do home renovations, two soccer players and their coach. As I waded through new territory with patience, I was learning that instant gratification isn’t what I wanted or needed at all.

Dispea was created to replace patriarchal porn with what a lot of us are searching for in the bedroom: something that envelopes our mind and body. The five to 20 minute buildup stories work with your imagination. It drops you into a completely new world, and you can co-create within the world of the episode. If it wasn’t obvious already, Dispea changed my life because it introduced me to a part of my own sexuality I didn’t realize I wanted or needed. It allowed me to explore a world where I wasn’t forced to look at something I had no interest in, just to find the small gems of content I am interested in. I didn’t need to worry about how young the sex workers are, because they’re paid employees of the company. I didn’t feel like I needed to worry about Asian fetishizing, because they all feel real to me, but other people of color have given backlash about tokenizing and lack of representation, especially with Black stories, and not just Black voices. Over the past two years as a loyal subscriber, I’ve certainly seen the diversity of their content grow. While I can’t speak to how authentic each story is to the race and ethnicity it’s claiming to represent, I will say it presents a range of voices and is expanding.

For $59.99 a year, I’m given access to bedtime stories, astrology stories, guides, episodes, and mini audiobooks about anything I could imagine. The context of each audio clip feels like a safe haven to explore parts of myself I may be unfamiliar with. It seems like every time I’m on the app, I discover something I didn’t realize I liked. I now have all types of preferences saved, so it knows my go-tos and what could potentially interest me, and it gives me updates when a certain series expands or a favorite actor records new content. It’s fairly simple to use, mostly guilt free, and versatile. Most importantly, it really has changed the way I see my own sexuality and how some of my friends and lovers see their own as well. Just a few weeks ago, I was telling my friend about Dipsea and she was so deeply excited that any type of mainstream audio erotica existed. She figured that because she’s blind, erotic content just wasn’t made for her and everyone else with visual impairments. She was so taken aback that we even listened to one of my favorites together on the phone, and she was thrilled the content existed in this form. Her experience of accessibility isn’t everyone’s, but it was a very meaningful moment.

Queer audio erotica certainly exists outside of my discovery of Dipsea, but this was my entry point. The streamlined organization, one-stop-shop layout, and minimalistic, hassle-free app hooked me into discovering completely new ways of working with pleasure. Most importantly, it helped me connect my mind and body to itself, and when it comes to sex, that’s the firmest foundation I could ask for.

How To Find a Queer Wedding Photographer

feature image photo by shironosov via Getty Images

My fiancée Kristen proposed to me last Christmas morning. It felt like we had all the time in the world to plan a wedding, something we both knew we wanted to have. We took some time to celebrate and luxuriate in the engagement before jumping into wedding planning, but once we were settled back at home after the holidays, it was time to dive in. We knew it’d be a lot of work, so we’d chosen a date that was more than a year away and did our best to spread out all of the big tasks as much as possible.

We locked in our caterer and venue a full year before our chosen wedding date. I got my dress figured out much faster than I imagined, about nine months out. And about eight months out, we traveled to New York for Kristen to get fitted for a custom suit.

We pressed pause on a lot of the other big ticket items of planning a wedding for a few months when we both got busy with work and travel and work-related travel. About six months out from our wedding, we started back up again, knowing we still had some Very Big Decisions to make (and Very Big Checks to sign).

Most urgently, we needed to find a wedding photographer. There’s certainly no scarcity of wedding photographers in the world, especially in Central Florida where we live and where apparently a lot of people like to get married (has something to do with The Mouse). But we both knew we wanted someone specific to shoot our Big Gay Florida Wedding: We wanted a queer wedding photographer.

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Why should you seek out a queer wedding photographer?

Your photographer is one of your most important wedding vendors — if you’re choosing to have one! It’s of course a totally valid choice to take an alternative and more affordable path, like having guests use disposable cameras. It’s all just about what you want!

If you’re undecided about hiring a professional photographer though, I’ve talked to so many friends and family members who emphasize that the photos are their favorite thing to still have from their weddings. They’re literal memories, preserved forever. There are a lot of places to cut costs when it comes to weddings, but for me, I didn’t want photography to be one of those places.

A photographer isn’t just an important wedding role; it’s an intimate one. A good wedding photographer is going to tell you when you’re having a wardrobe malfunction, maybe even ask to fix it for you. If you’re doing “getting ready” photos, they might see you in various stages of getting undressed/dressed. If you’re doing a “first look” shoot, they’re going to be present during the extremely intimate moment of your partner seeing you/you seeing your partner in wedding wear for the first time. They’re going to interact with all your besties, your family, and be there for every single part of the big day. Good wedding photographers are going to want to get to know you very well — from the very first consultation call. They’ll ask about your priorities, your vision, and even your love story.

Having a queer wedding photographer comes with a sense of comfort and familiarity that doesn’t have to be taught or negotiated. At the beginning of our process in finding a queer wedding photographer, I had some difficulty finding a queer person who fit our other needs (I needed the guide I’m currently writing!), so I cast a wider net, just looking for people who’d presented some level of LGBTQ+ support, like having pictures of queer couples on their socials.

For example, I found a photographer who didn’t identify as queer but who linked to a worksheet about using more inclusive language for weddings. I liked that she was thinking about these things, because it’s exactly why I was prioritizing trying to find a queer photographer. We aren’t using words like “bridesmaids” or “groomsmen” for our wedding parties; we’re calling them our VIPs. To every potential photographer I spoke with, I emphasized that the wedding is queer not only in the sense that a queer couple is getting married but also in the sense that many of our guests are queer and/or trans. We don’t want a photographer to make assumptions about gender or pronouns. Kristen and I also have very different family situations: I’ll have a lot of family there, and she won’t. But Kristen still wants to do some of the traditional posed family photos after the ceremony with her chosen family. Of course, any photographer will honor a request like that, but it means something to us that a photographer really understands that situation.

When we spoke with photographers who openly identified as queer on their socials and websites, we didn’t have to ask as many of the questions we had about things like that, because they already got it. It was already baked into their business models. LGBTQ photographers asked us for our pronouns when we filled out the initial forms requesting consultation calls. On those calls, they reiterated that they ask for pronouns for our wedding parties and for anyone who we want to include in our shot lists. And they totally understood our emphasis on chosen family at our wedding. With these photographers, there was a shorthand and an extra layer of comfort. It wasn’t just LGBTQ-friendliness; it was LGBTQ-understanding and relatability.

Of course, there’s always a possibility that even after using this guide and searching far and wide, you might not be able to find an LGBTQ wedding photographer who’s available for your date, has a style you’re drawn to, and is within your price range. Being queer isn’t the only criteria you’re looking for, and it can be hard to make everything line up. We talked to one queer photographer we loved, but she was too far above our budget. I also specifically looked in potential photographers feeds to see if they regularly shoot weddings featuring one or more people of color, as that was important to me.

If you do end up talking to photographers who don’t identify as queer, here are some of the questions we asked in those situations you might consider just to make sure your values and priorities are aligned:

• Have you shot queer weddings before? How often and what is your comfortability with doing so? (You can also totally request to see photos/galleries they might have from queer weddings!)
• Are you open to using more inclusive terms to describe wedding parties and other wedding customs?
• Is there anything you’d like to know from us in terms of what we consider to be LGBTQ friendly?

That last one acts as a catch all and opportunity for you to talk about what it is you want and expect from a photographer when it comes to interacting with you and your wedding guests. It presents an opportunity to talk about things like pronouns. But wording it in this way also throws the ball in their court. It’s a question that invites questions. It gives you a chance to gauge if they’re interested in learning from and listening to you.

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How to go about finding a queer wedding photographer

Take your time.

Give yourself the gift of time. If you’re able to, start looking for a photographer early in your wedding planning process so you can be pickier. Making yourself available to multiple consultation calls will ensure you get to talk to as many people as possible. Who knows — maybe you’ll get lucky and find a perfect queer fit on the first call, but that would be extremely lucky! Assume you’re going to have to talk to multiple people.

Use the gay phone tree.

As with a lot of queer things, word of mouth is everything! If you have queer friends — or even friends of friends! — who have gone through the wedding planning process and know they had a queer photographer, reach out to them and get more information. Even if those friends live somewhere else, a lot of wedding photographers will travel for an additional fee.

If you already have other vendors planned out and they’re queer, ask them if they have queer photographers in mind. A lot of vendors have a roster of people they like to work with and support.

On that note, if you find a queer photographer, reach out, and they’re not available for your date, ask them if they have recommendations for other queer photographers. A lot of photographers will automatically recommend other folks if they’re not available on your date, but you can specifically ask for queer or queer-friendly options.

Be clear about your priorities from the start.

When filling out the initial form to request a consultation call with any photographer, it’s good to emphasize you’re having a queer wedding and are seeking vendors who are enthusiastically LGBTQ-friendly. On all of my request forms, I wrote BIG GAY FLORIDA WEDDING. It’s good to do this, because if you’re reaching out to someone whose identity is unclear (not all queer photographers highlight their sexuality in their business branding), they might take this as an opportunity to “come out” to you.

But I also found this a successful approach when reaching out to non-queer photographers who turned out to be unavailable for our date. The first alternative suggestions they sent back were out n proud queer wedding photographers, because even though they weren’t available to provide direct services for me, they still understood my priorities as a client. Great wedding photographers are super thoughtful like that.

Follow Queer Wedding content accounts on social media.

Confession: Way before I was even engaged, I followed the Instagram accounts @dancingwithher and @dancingwiththem, because seeing queer wedding content legitimately fills me with joy…and because maybe I have secretly dreamed of having a big wedding one day. Another Instagram account to follow is @handhweddings.

These accounts are great to reference during the photographer search, because you can check out photographers who are tagged in specific posts. You can also just treat the posts on these feeds as a mood board for the style of photos you want. It’s going to be a much more inclusive reference point than using Pinterest.

Our engagement photoshoot was done by a friend, and I found it helpful to reference potential poses on these feeds. (Btw, skipping an engagement photoshoot or doing more of a DIY one is one way to cut costs. A lot of wedding photographers will let you swap out the engagement shoot in their set packages for something like a second shooter or print credit or just take some money off the total cost. The biggest drawback here is that engagement shoots give you a chance to meet and get comfy with your photographer ahead of time.)

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A post shared by Celebrating LGBTQ+ Weddings, Engagements & Love 🌈 (@dancingwithher)

Scrolling through @dancingwithher, @dancingwiththem, or other similar accounts, it’s not super easy to filter or screen for location. A lot of posts will be geotagged, so you can manually scroll until you find a nearby place. It isn’t the most efficient process, but if you live in a major city, you might get lucky. You can also ignore location and just try to find and follow queer photographers whose style speaks to you. As mentioned before, wedding photographers will often travel, but you’ll be charged a travel fee in most instances, so this is not a budget-friendly approach.

You can also try to find queer wedding photographers on TikTok, though I admittedly had better luck on Instagram. Using TikTok to search for “gay wedding [YOUR CITY]” or something similar can definitely lead to content that can then lead to potential vendors. Getting more specific with a search like “gay wedding photographer [YOUR CITY]” also works. You might have to go down a bit of a research rabbit hole, but again, it’s worth taking the extra time to search.

(I find social media to be more navigable in this department than just Googling “queer wedding photographer [YOUR CITY].” But you can give that a whirl and see if it’s more effective for where you live. Some cities have LGBTQ business bureaus that highlight these vendors.)

Once you follow one queer wedding photographer, it becomes easier to find more.

Use databases that already exist.

The Dancing With Her website has a searchable database of inclusive wedding vendors. I will say…the database greatly preferences major cities like NYC, LA, Chicago, etc. There were no photographer options for Orlando or even for Florida last time I checked.

I expanded my radius to include nearby states and found a photographer in Texas who I liked enough to schedule a consultation call with. It’s important to remember your values and priorities when looking for a wedding photographer but also to be flexible. Kristen and I wanted a Florida-based photographer for a couple reasons: money and also because Florida means so much to Kristen. We were very intentional about planning to have our wedding here, in her hometown, in a place that means so much to her and is coming to mean so much to me. We want vendors who reflect that. So I never thought I’d talk to someone in Texas, but the more we thought about it, the more we realized a queer person living and working in the wedding industry in Texas is going to understand the complexities and nuances of having a queer wedding in Florida. And this person would probably understand us and our wedding values more than a straight ally based in Florida. It didn’t work out for other reasons, but I’m glad we set up that consultation call, because it forced us to reexamine our priorities.

Mainstream wedding hub The Knot also allows you to search for wedding photographers in your area and filter for LGBTQ-owned businesses. On their photographer search page (which will automatically have your location if you’ve registered for The Knot, but you can also manually enter it), go to the filter category called “Supports Diversity” (lol) and check the box for “LGBTQ+-owned businesses.” They also have other specific identity markers you can search for, like Black-owned businesses, Asian-owned businesses, Pacific Islander-owned businesses, etc. The Knot will show you average price ranges for each vendor, and you can easily send a quote request or request for a consultation call all within The Knot. Going back to the previous social media section, even if the results that come up on The Knot’s directory aren’t a fit, you can always look to see who they follow or are followed by on Instagram.

I was not able to find a way to search specifically for queer wedding photographers on Zola, one of the other popular wedding planning websites.

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You may now be wondering: Well, did you find a queer, Florida-based wedding photographer, Kayla? Yes! Yes we did. I’m writing this from a place of personal success!

It took a few weeks (relatively short!) and a lot of internet/social media sleuthing. I probably filled out close to 10 consultation call request forms, and Kristen and I did four consultation calls (relatively few!). Two calls were with queer photographers, and two were with straight photographers. Side note: It’s nice to let any photographers who you decide not to go with know you’ve gone in another direction. I thought we’d have to do more calls, but we got lucky with our fourth, which was with a queer, Florida-based wedding photographer who we instantly vibed with. For our privacy, I won’t disclose additional details beyond that for now, but making it official with our queer wedding photographer (we just signed the paperwork last week!) felt like one of the biggest wins of this wedding planning process so far. 🥂

You Need Help: My Girlfriend Struggles With Social Skills

feature image photo by martin-dm via Getty Images

Q:

My gf and I have been together 2 years, and when we’re alone everything’s great. But when she tries to interact with other people it goes poorly almost every time. She’s bad at reading social situations, and very oblivious about the way she comes across. Whether it’s playful ribbing that comes out mean or talking about sensitive topics that make others uncomfortable, things often goes sour, usually without her noticing. It’s to the point where my friends don’t want to be around her, and I’ve watched a lot of her friends pull away too.

I don’t know what to do. She’s a good person, and I know in my heart that she’s trying. It hurts me to watch her put people off and lose friendships, and it bothers me that I feel like I can’t introduce her to anyone without worrying that something’s gonna go wrong. I want to talk to her about it, but I don’t want her to feel like I’m trying to “fix” her. I know her social skills aren’t my responsibility, but things aren’t getting better.

I feel stuck, and I’m starting to worry that everyone else is right to be uncomfortable and that I should run. What should I do here?

A:

I understand your frustration here, especially because it sounds like your girlfriend’s perception of social situations is very different from yours. We all face social anxiety in different ways, and for some folks these social nuances are much more difficult to navigate. I can tell that you’re really trying to support her here. You’ve been together for a fair amount of time, and you’ve noticed certain patterns like any partner would.

What I want to bring into question here is the word “fix.” It seems like you might perceive her issues as a “problem” because you see her behaviors as something that need to be “fixed.” Even though you yourself used quotations around the word and therefore seem to understand it isn’t a fair way to approach things, the fact that you still used the word suggests you might think there is indeed something to be fixed here. This is further reiterated by the fact that I can’t really tell from your letter if your girlfriend has sought any advice or guidance about this. I want to challenge your thought process a bit. Can we really fix someone, and more importantly, should we want to fix someone? Doesn’t “fixing” imply that a person’s inherently broken?

What I want to further question is your sense of discomfort with how she engages with both of your friends. Does she feel like she needs to change? Does she feel discomfort in social situations, or are you wanting to change her behaviors because you’re uncomfortable? When friends pull away from her, how does she react? Has she asked for any help or guidance here?

You can talk to her about what you’ve noticed, but it should be completely without judgment. See if this is something that even bothers her. If it does and she wants support in social situations, you both can decide how you want to support her by following her lead. If she doesn’t want to change, or doesn’t see a problem, then I think this is a time where you can reflect on why you feel (embarrassed? frustrated? disappointed?) by her.

Just because someone operates differently from you doesn’t mean they’re wrong, bad, or need help. It simply means they are different from you, and your normal isn’t their normal. I want to empower you to reflect on your own biases so you can empower her to be her most authentic self. You fell for her for who she is, so help her celebrate her strengths and embrace her wonderful differences!

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You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.