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Q: “My partner of three years recently revealed to me that she used to be involved with BDSM with some of her former partners. We play lightly with power dynamics in our current relationship, but by most standards we have very vanilla sex. My partner told me that there are parts of her that she has to keep under very tight control unless she is in sub-space, and very hesitantly told me that while she is okay without being able to enter this space, it’s costing our relationship a bit. I love her and want to be able to fulfill her needs, but I’ve never been involved in BDSM. Above all I value her safety and the trust between us, and I don’t know how to take her to the spaces she’s asking to enter without going too far. She says that when she is in sub-space she isn’t able to think about her physical or emotional safety. I’m not particularly inclined towards violence or humiliation, but I would do anything for this girl. Any advice on how we can explore this in a way that’s safe for both of us?”
A: Right on! You and your kinky partner are in an excellent position to start playing with things and see what you find that you like. That she is communicating her desires to you is an excellent sign, and that you are game — that you “would do anything for this girl” — tells me you’re willing to experiment. That’s fantastic! That automatically gives you a leg up toward having fulfilling play together.
It totally makes sense that you value her safety and the trust between you, and that is of key importance when you’re introducing more kinky play into your sex life. There is no need to do things that don’t seem “safe,” or that violates trust between you. Go slowly — that’s my first piece of advice. Do things that actually seem exciting and doable for you. There are hundreds, probably thousands, of ways to play with kink, and you don’t have to do any of them that are uncomfortable. Start with the 10 or 20 or two that feel really hot and exciting, and who knows? After a little while of exploring those, more things might start to seem fun, too. Go slower than you think is necessary in the beginning. She probably won’t snap right into sub-space right away, and that’s okay.
Start experimenting. I love looking at it from a “science!” perspective: do the experiment, and collect the data. Didn’t go so well? Cool! On to the next experiment! Went awesome? Cool! Do it more! Went okay, but could be better? Great! Tweak the experiment and see what the new results are.
Make sure that you’re experimenting with things that YOU, too, want to do. It might be that you’re purely doing this for her, and that’s okay — but see if you can find the sweet spot where you’re into it AND she’s into it.
Here’s a few ways to build some confidence and get some skills and start playing:
1. Look up sex toy stores, kink community centers, play parties or other resources for kinksters in your area, and attend some BDSM demos.
Live research is one of the most excellent ways to get more skills. Attend the demos together, then go home and practice! Talk about it — what was hot, what might work for you, what seemed to not work for you. You might not agree with everything the presenter said, and that’s okay. Just take what works for you and start building your own toolbox. Sign up for an account on Fetlife.com and look around for friends that are in your area and groups that align with your interests. There are some challenges with Fetlife, but it can be an amazing resource.
2. Nothing in your area, or are you too shy to go out into the community? Check out Kink Academy!
Kink Academy is an online collection of BDSM teachings with hundreds of videos for just about any kink or fetish you could want. I’ve got some videos on there about D/s, power dynamics and protocol, but there are tons on rope, impact play, service and all sorts of things.
3. Read some dirty books, watch some dirty porn.
You might already do this — but consider doing it together, sharing what you like and talking about it. The Topping Book and The Bottoming Book by Easton and Hardy are some of my highest recommended books for folks who are getting into power play and kink. Read some erotica aloud together! Say Please, the BDSM lesbian erotica collection I edited, has a wide range of fetishes and kinks in it that might give you some ideas (see the write-up on Autostraddle too!). Write down these discussion questions to ask each other after: (a) What was your favorite part? (b) Was there any good dirty talk that you enjoyed? (c) Would you like to recreate any of it maybe?
It is totally okay for something to be purely fantasy, and for something to turn you on even if you don’t want to do it. You don’t have to want to do everything.
4. Service topping is a thing, and might work for you.
Not all people are wired to want to dominate and top other people, but lots of us are wired to want to please our partners. So perhaps you won’t be extra turned on by actions that she gets excited by. That’s totally okay. It might still be very rewarding, interesting, supportive of your relationship, and hella fun for you to “serve” her by doing dirty things to her that she is super excited about. So you might be a top — someone who is mainly doing the action — and providing the things that she needs. Experiment with that, and see if you can find things that you really love too, but it’s also okay for you to be in service to her desires.
5. Reframe “violence” and “humiliation.”
Some BDSM activities are absolutely about violence and humiliation. But a lot of what might seem like violence are actually about sensation — sometimes intense sensation!—and a lot of what seems like humiliation is actually about vulnerability. You might just not be into any kind of impact play, and it might seem violent to you every time, which is fine — or, you might find a lot of fun and pleasure in some light spanking. (Check out this amazing video about impact by kink educator Mollena Williams, it might be a great thing to watch with your partner and discuss.) Regardless of whether a reframing appeals to you, go talk to some kink educators if you want to learn more about sensation and vulnerability play. Those things can go deep! There are dozens of things you can do before you play with those.
6. To be as safe as possible, negotiate before you play.
Set up the general parameters of the play you’re going to do before you get into it. It doesn’t have to be too specific — something like, Okay, I’m going to blindfold you and touch you all over, and then hold your wrists above your head while I finger you until you come. See if the two of you can anticipate the things that are the most risky, and make sure to establish what would be okay and what would be too much — for both of you. You get to have limits, as a top, just as much as she does.
Speaking of which: You wrote that she “isn’t able to think about her physical or emotional safety” when she’s in sub-space. If a submissive told me something like that, I would be a little concerned about playing with them. I highly encourage her to work on being able to communicate her limits, boundaries, difficulties and pleasures during play. (Maybe she can do that — that’s great! — but it seems unclear, by what you wrote.) Many of us get into a basically non-verbal space when we play deeply — and that’s totally okay, there are many ways to communicate non-verbally, through hand squeezes or moans and groans or key safewords. But it’s incredibly important for you to trust that she is able to stand up and hold her own limits if something gets too intense. She could consider a course about submission like Submissive Playground (which I run) — it would be really beneficial for you, too, as there are homework experiments for each one of the units, and you could go through the materials with her, do the experiments and collect your own data.
She would also really benefit from having more submissive community in an experience like that, which would hopefully continue to help her feel less isolated and more secure and confident in her sub identity.
I have one more thing to ask, though this is more about the long-term. Even though you’re game to play with this with her, it is possible that what she wants is different than what you want, and that you won’t find places you’ll overlap. You might want to think about a back-up plan if that’s the case. Is it okay if your kinky partner gets her kink needs elsewhere? Will you resolve to being a service top, and learn some good top skills to keep her longings satisfied? Will you open your relationship? Is it a dealbreaker? You don’t have to decide all this now, but it’s worth thinking about and being realistic about.
Since you’re at the very beginning of this exploration, I trust that you WILL find lots of places of mutual interest. After all, there are thousands of ways to explore each other’s bodies and desires and cravings, and a lot of the sensations and vulnerabilities can still be fun and light and safe (or even silly — it is play). Finding out precisely where your kinks overlap? Well, that’s the fun part!
Sinclair <3 Autostraddle! If you too want to get deeper in your submission, or if you have a sub you want to play deeper with, consider joining this round of Submissive Playground. Receive a $75 discount for Autostraddlers with the discount code “straddlethis.” Sign up by September 18th!
