You Need Help: What If You Never Want To Move In Together?

Q:

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for about a year, longer if we count the beginning when we were in the talking stage and non-exclusive. She brought up moving in together a few months ago, and I told her I wasn’t ready. She respected my decision but recently she reopened the conversation recently and wanted me to elaborate on why I don’t feel ready. I found it hard to really talk honestly about my reasons and we ended up fighting but I think it was mostly a mis-communication.

I’ve never lived with a partner before, but I’ve had some bad roommate experiences in the past and saved money until I could afford to live on my own. I love living alone! I love when my girlfriend sleeps over, but I also like having my own space. It takes about 20 minutes to drive between our apartments but an hour for her to get to my place from her work. I’d admit we both spend a lot of time in our cars going between our places. And the idea of sharing rent is attractive. I have a second room in my apartment but I use it as a home office and studio space. When I think about what living together looks like, I have a hard time picturing it even just in a logistics way.

I asked her if there’s a world in which we always live separately but still spend most nights together, and she didn’t say no but she also said she was having a hard time imagining it. Do people ever do this? Is it sustainable? How do people know when the time is time to move in together? Even though I’m not ready now, it’s also might be because I think it’s too soon.

A:

My suspicion here is just that it’s too soon, and that’s okay! Do people move in together after dating for less than a year? Most don’t, but some certainly do — according to our 2018 Lesbian Stereotypes Survey, 25% of our readers had at some point moved in with someone they’d been dating for under a year. Do people live separately forever and still spend most nights together? I’m confident they do, apparently these days there is a trend of even married couples living apart. But! Forever is a long time. Do any of us know what we want to do forever? You don’t have to know that just yet!

Often the decision to move in quickly is driven by factors that don’t seem to be heavily at play for you, like needing to save money, not having the time to shuttle between apartments due to work or school or family obligations, or just generally preferring co-habitation over solo living. You’ve saved up to live alone, you like living alone, and it seems like the middle-distance relationship thing isn’t putting too much of a strain on the rest of your life, so your drive to move in might not look like everyone else’s. You don’t express any hesitation about the longevity or strength of your relationship, nor does that seem to be a factor holding you back from signing that lease. You just… like living alone and want to spend more time doing this thing that you like to do. And listen, I can relate!

I’ve lived with partners a few times — starting with a misguided college co-habitation with my then-boyfriend of nine months where I realized immediately after signing the lease that he was Not the Man For Me and promised myself to be more careful going forward. For my next four relationships I did the “living in different places but still spending every night together” arrangement. But a full decade later, in 2012, I moved in with my then-girlfriend after around two years together, which was preceded by over a year of living in different apartments in the same building. When we broke up in 2014, the real estate market in the Bay Area was bananas. The person I’d started dating couldn’t afford their own place in the area, so we made the very gay choice to move in together after six weeks of dating. It was pretty fun at first to be honest! We then got engaged, moved to the midwest and bought a house together. Although I clearly was still hopeful about our future when I answered this co-habitation question two months before we broke up, this situation eventually ended badly and I left it terrified of ever living with a partner ever again, certain it’d lead to them hating me and also me hating myself!

Which brings me to the present moment, which is like yours except we’ve had the value of two additional years together — my girlfriend and I have been together for nearly three years and we don’t live together. We live 30 minutes apart without traffic, 90 with traffic, and I spend a lot of time in my car and packing/unpacking. And I’ll tell you what, despite being a person who does enjoy living alone, I really really wish we lived together! But that overwhelming desire didn’t kick in immediately and it wasn’t until around a year ago — long after we’d started planning an indefinite future together — that we started talking more urgently about finding a place together. (Unfortunately, the Los Angles real estate market has yet to offer us an affordable option!)

So with the caveat that yes, I am projecting here based on my own personal experience — there will quite possibly come a time when you simply begin to desire more, when it feels like time, when it feels weird that someone your life is so intertwined with lives so far away. You may get tired, eventually, of all of the driving and shlepping and pre-planning involved in a mid-distance relationship. You’ll want to run errands together. You’ll wish it was easier to be there for her when she’s sick or sad, and vice versa. You may get tired of paying two separate sets of bills and buying two separate containers of peanut butter. You may want to be able to see your person in the in-between times and not just the times you’ve made a concerted effort to do so. You may want to be able to want to do different things on a Saturday night without that meaning you won’t see each other at all on Saturday night — you’ll want to be able to come home to her, or see her before.

But you might never get there, which brings me to: is there “a world in which we always live separately but still spend most nights together” is a sustainable option? I think so and I think it depends on the couple and the people in it. Famously, Annie Lebowitz and Susan Sontag lived in separate apartments directly opposite each other, but they had some coin to work with. Whatever you do, I’d ensure you live in at least a two-bedroom, if not a three bedroom. So you can have your space! (One thing I’ve never done is live in a one-bedroom with a partner, I think that can get very cramped, especially for anyone who works at home.)

My instinct is that such a thing might only be sustainable in the long-term for you and your girlfriend (who does want to live together) if you guys eventually find a way to live a little closer together. Would it be possible to live in the same building or on the same block, where you can still keep the solo space that you currently treasure, but can begin start sharing more of your lives with each other? Living an hour’s drive away from your girlfriend’s work is clearly less than ideal for her.

There definitely are people who want to live alone forever, even if they are in a serious relationship. If that turns out to be you, you’ll have to cross that bridge when you come to it and figure out an arrangement that meets your needs and hers. But I don’t think you’re at that bridge yet! I think you are still in the meadow, having a picnic. One year is really not enough time to know how you’ll feel about living together, especially if you’re still in the honeymoon phase with your own apartment after having difficult roommate situations in the past.

Finally; it sounds like your girlfriend took it personally that you didn’t want to move in together, so she might have some insecurities that your resistance is related to a lack of faith or interest in your relationship. From your letter, it sounds like that’s not where your resistance is coming from — so I’d suggest first and foremost communicating that to her. It could be helpful to talk through ways that she can feel more secure about your relationship despite living apart, or for her to understand that your love of solo living is simply a part of who you are rather than any reflection on how you feel about her.

The good news is that I’m pretty sure the longer you wait to co-habitate, the better it will be if/when you do — you’ll understand each other and your routines and habits better, you’ll be more adept at navigating the little squabbles that arise. You can figure out how to avoid the issues that plagued your previous roommate situations, and you’ll be less prone to question the entire relationship if you can’t agree about how often laundry needs to get done and who ought to do it. You’ll also have thoroughly rid yourself of the nagging concept that you wish you’d had a little more time to yourself first!

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You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

Forget New Relationship Energy, Embrace Stable Relationship Energy

We’ve all heard of New Relationship Energy. It’s that intoxicating and passionate period of time toward the beginning of a relationship when, perhaps, things haven’t even been fully defined yet. It’s that thrill of exploring a new person’s body, of getting to know someone. It’s a heady high. New Relationship Energy is literally a neurochemical response. So what happens when it goes away?

As someone who works for a queer website where we dispense a lot of relationship and sex advice, I encounter questions about New Relationship Energy a lot, whether they use that exact wording or not. People often want to know what happens when the spark sputters, when the flame fades. The longer you’re with someone, the more familiar they become, and the less exploratory you might feel. But there are downsides to New Relationship Energy, too. It can lead to anxiety and obsessive behavior; it can cause people to hinge their own self-worth and desirability on the gaze of another.

Negative side effects of New Relationship Energy aside, I do think it’s normal for people to wonder if there are ways within monogamy to replicate or re-access the thrills it comes with. As someone in a long-term monogamous relationship that will soon become a marriage, I’m no strange to “keeping the spark alive” discourse, and I think it does queer people a disservice to pretend like this is merely a straight people problem. Yes, it’s true that queer folks often reimagine and restructure the ways we think about and practice relationships and sex outside of heteronormative expectations. And that can definitely make it easier to come up with solutions to dips in sex drive or increased monotony in a relationship. But it doesn’t mean we’re somehow above or impervious to those fluctuations.

While I understand the impulse for people to try to recreate New Relationship Energy and I think it can be achieved in ephemeral bursts, I think trying to go backwards in a relationship timeline can sometimes set people up for failure. Rather than striving for New Relationship Energy within a relationship that isn’t new, why don’t we embrace Stable Relationship Energy? Why don’t we recognize that can be just as hot and even hotter, even if it also feels different?

Here are some of the hot, delicious, even surprising benefits of Stable Relationship Energy, which I’ve also heard called Established Relationship Energy. But stable, to me, conveys an even more solid foundation and something to truly embrace and aspire to.

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Stable Relationship Energy = Knowing What You Want and Being Able To Easily Ask for It

This isn’t true for everyone, but it was not until I really and truly entered a Stable Relationship Energy phase that I was able to best understand and ask for what I want when it comes to sex. Yes, I had really great sex during the New Relationship Energy phase of my current relationship, and it was the first time in my life when I was having the kind of sex I’d desired since coming out. While I was able to be exploratory during that phase and try new things out with a new partner, those possibilities increased and intensified when we reached a more Stable Relationship Energy place, especially once we were living together.

I was so overwhelmed the first time I was asked what sex toys I’d like to use or try. I didn’t even know where to start. There was an excitement to that, but I was even more turned on later when I could shop for toys with my partner with an existing understanding of what I already liked. This still means we can try new things, and in fact, I want to emphasize that Stable Relationship Energy does not mean Static Relationship Energy. We can still be exploratory and try new things together, and there’s a safety and comfort in taking that journey together. I’m often told by a friend of mine that my partner and I are the horniest monogamous couple she knows. It’s true! And I think it’s because we’re both good at embracing Stable Relationship Energy and using it to deepen our already deep desire for each other instead of trying to simply recreate the past.

Stable Relationship Energy = Knowing What Your Partner Wants, Too

This works in both directions! Within a stable relationship, you also know how your partner likes to be touched and what turns them on. You can cater to this. When you do want to try something new, you know what your partner’s limits might be. Stable Relationship Energy means having so much data to work from! STEM but make it sexy.

Stable Relationship Energy Sets You Up for Success During Periods of Destabilization

Say your sex drives become out of sync. It happens at various points for most couples! While periods of withdrawal or the slightest of rejections during the New Relationship Energy stage can feel like huge setbacks or disappointments and perhaps impact your self-worth, if you’re in a place of Stable Relationship Energy, you’re better able to understand that a decrease in libido isn’t necessarily a personal rejection.

Again, stable isn’t static. Things are going to change. But that stable foundation means you’re able to understand and worth through small shifts much better than you can when your judgment is clouded by New Relationship Energy. Communication, connection, and confidence are all strengthened by Stable Relationship Energy, and that all leads to better, more fulfilling sex.

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If you find yourself longing for the New Relationship Energy phase of a relationship, I think it could be a good moment to check in with yourself and your partner. Is it possible you’re overly romanticizing that era of the relationship? Is it possible you’re wanting something to change in the relationship as it currently stands to better serve your needs and wants and that “why can’t things be the way they used to be” is just your emotionally avoidant and ultimately unproductive way of not dealing with how you’re really feeling? Often, the answer isn’t to look back but rather to figure out a path forward, building on the existing foundation of the relationship instead of trying to return to a place difficult to perfectly replicate. Embrace Stable Relationship Energy, and you might just find those same thrills of before, made all the better by a solid foundation of trust and understanding of each other.

Asking My Fiancée Questions I Don’t Know the Answers to a Month Before Our Wedding

I’m marrying the love of my life, Kristen Arnett, next month! We’ve checked so many things off our list over the past year in anticipation of the big day. We found a queer wedding photographer! I found not one but two outfits for the big night, because I can’t resist a costume change at a major event. We got Kristen a custom suit made by a queer tailor. We figured out a color scheme, did a photoshoot on the beach for our invitations, and put a lot of energy behind menu brainstorming with our caterer. Along the way, we found ways to make planing a wedding sexy.

Surely in our past nearly five years of knowing each other, Kristen and I have uncovered a lot about each other’s lives, interests, fears, etc. We’ve told and retold each other the same stories, the same jokes, developed many stories and jokes that our ours, together. We lived under lockdown in a city where we knew almost no one in early 2020. We moved to another city where we knew almost no one, and then we moved to the place she has always called home. We’ve been through a lot. We’re naturally curious people as writers. And yet, there are always things you don’t know about a person, right? That’s the basis of 90% of the horror I write.

Not exactly in the spirit of horror but rather in the spirit of comedy, I thought it would be fun to ask Kristen a series of questions to which I genuinely did not know how she might answer. By the end, I still very much wanted to be her wife, so nothing was TOO earth shatterringly shocking!!!!

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Kayla: Hello. I’m going to ask you questions that I don’t know the answers to.

Kristen: I doubt it.

Kayla: Maybe I’ll ask some and it’ll turn out I do know the answers.

Kristen: I bet you will.

Kayla: But I’m sure there’s plenty of things I don’t know about you.

Kristen: Mystery.

Kayla: Mystery. Okay. One, what’s the first work of fiction you can remember writing as a child?

Kristen: Baby-Sitters Club. I was at church. We had church bulletins where you were supposed to write down… Did I tell you this already?

Kayla: No, I’m nodding because I used to remember writing on my church bulletins.

Kristen: There was a section that was filled out for where you’re supposed to write down notes about the sermon. And in the sermon part, there’s lines inside the bulletin where I could write down my thoughts about our Lord and Savior. I wrote a Baby-Sitters Club, let’s call it a fan fiction, but I was in it.

Kayla: Ooh. self-insert.

Kristen: Self-insert. I was one of them. It was like, you know how all the Babysitter’s clubs are like, “Kristy on the blah, blah. Mary Anne on the blah, blah.” This was like, “Kristen…” And I remember there was something about tennis balls in it. I don’t remember why.

Kayla: Just the balls?

Kristen: I mean, and children, you’re babysitting. And then I was just like, “Hah-hah-hah,” that I wrote myself in, and there’s only so many lines you can work with in a bulletin. And then I was going down the sides of it and around. But that’s the first work of incredible fiction I can remember writing.

Kayla: Did you get in trouble for not writing about the Lord?

Kristen: I was never supposed to be writing in church, because everyone knew I wasn’t writing about the Lord. My dad was always mad at me. My mom was up in the choir loft all the time, but I was always down sitting next to him and my brother Michael. My sister Rachel was a lot younger than us, so she got to leave and go be with the little kids. But we had to stay and fix our minds. And if I was writing something, my dad knew that I was not writing about the Lord.

Kayla: You could have been writing Bible self-insert.

Kristen: No. He basically thought I was trying to write a note to a friend or something, but that time I was writing a little self-insert story. Hold on. I got to take this thing from the cat. It’s a piece of tinsel. Here we go.

Kayla: So you wrote a book called With Teeth. Can you remember the first time you lost a tooth?

Kristen: Yes.

Kayla: And what happened? That’s it on that story?

Kristen: A lot of these are going to be church stories, I realize.

Kayla: Wow. I guess, yeah. Because I realized I really had to go back in time for things I don’t know the answers to.

Kristen: My friend Bethany was coming over after church on Sunday and we kept doing that thing, no one’s going to know what this is, but it was this old hero villain thing where it’s a little lady being like, “I can’t pay the rent.” And then a villain saying, “You must pay the rent.” And the lady going, “I can’t pay the rent.” And then the landlord being like, “You must pay the rent.” And then a guy comes in, he’s like, “I’ll pay the rent.” And she goes, “My hero.” And I was doing that in the back seat of the car with my best friend Bethany, who was coming over to stay with us after church so we then would bring her back to church that night to her parents. So she was coming for the day to hang out and have lunch. And my tooth had been wiggly. And I kept joking around and shouting in the car, “My tooth fell out, my tooth fell out.” And people were like, “Oh, did it?” And I’m like, “No. Gotcha.”

Kayla: Classic.

Kristen: Classic prank. And then I got to my grandparents’ house, and my tooth actually fell out in my mouth and I was like, “My tooth fell out,” and no one believed me because I had done boy who cried wolf about my tooth falling out that many times.

Kayla: That was a better story than I was anticipating.

Kristen: It is what it is. It’s my life, Kayla. This is my life.

Kayla: Did you ever have an imaginary friend?

Kristen: No, I really tried. That was a thing I really wanted because I thought it’d be cool. I didn’t have a ton of friends all the time when I was young. The first time I can remember trying to have an imaginary friend, I believe was in fifth grade, which I think is too old to have an imaginary friend. It might have been fourth or fifth grade. Maybe fourth grade. It was-

Kayla: I guess, I’m curious, how do you fail at having an imaginary friend?

Kristen: Because I was like, “This isn’t real.”

Kayla: Oh, okay. You didn’t believe enough.

Kristen: It’s hard when you’re a Christian and you’re already trying to imagine that God is real and you can’t do that.

Kayla: So is God not your first imaginary friend?

Kristen: No, because God scared me. I was like, “That’s not my friend.”

Kayla: Yeah, I guess that’s true.

Kristen: That’s my boss. And I’m not doing a good job. I’m going to get fired.

Kayla: Like your corporeal landlord.

Kristen: Yeah, I’m going to get fired or evicted. So in fourth grade, I think, there was this television show, which I know I’ve talked to you about, that I think is one of the horniest shows that was ever on television, and it was on TGIF. It’s called Just the Ten of Us. It was about a family that had a bunch of teenage daughters that were all hot and horny, and then they’re like, oh no, we have to go attend an all-boys school because our dad is the basketball coach. And I was expected to watch that and not turn gay. Honestly, it’s like, what did they expect? If anything was going to turn somebody gay, it’d be watching that fucking show.

So I was like, “I’d really love to have an imaginary friend.” And I am trying to imagine the two twins who are on that show, the teenage girls named Cindy and Wendy. And I tried to imagine one of them was my friend, and I thought maybe Cindy, because she was the smart one. She was the smart blonde and her twin sister Wendy… No, Wendy was the smart one. Cindy was the dumb one. But I was like, “I’m going to imagine that Wendy is my friend.” But then I was like, “This isn’t real. That’s not a real imaginary friend.”

So first one, my Lord, but not really, that’s my landlord.

Kayla: When you were in sixth grade, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Kristen: A lyricist.

Kayla: I knew this one. I forgot. I knew this one.

Kristen: My friend at church wanted to be a singer. And to be fair, to bring the petty into things, I did not think she was a very good singer and I did not think she was going to make it, but I knew I did not want to be a singer. I could sing, but I was like, “Ugh, I don’t want to do that. That seems terrible. But you know what I would like to do? I could write the lyrics. I could be a lyricist and then I could write the music that you sing.” Did I ever write a song? No, not a single line. Not a single time, but I was like, “I could be a lyricist.”

Kayla: Yeah. Not a composer, but just-

Kristen: Classic Sagittarius.

Kayla: I don’t know if I know the answer to this one. What was your first word?

Kristen: Oh, I don’t think I know that.

Kayla: Oh, okay. Mystery.

Kristen: Mystery. Yeah, I don’t know that.

Kayla: What’s the highest note you can hit when singing?

Kristen: Not that high.

Kayla: Do you know off the top… Or do you know what it was when you were more actively in choir?

Kristen: I was never asked to do descant. I was like-

Kayla: You were a soprano though, right?

Kristen: No, I was not a soprano.

Kayla: That’s right.

Kristen: I started off in high school as an alto II, and I was not an alto II, which is basically a tenor I if we’re being honest. That’s the nerdiest thing I’ll say this whole time. But then I moved to alto I, and alto I was more comfortably in my range because that’s some middle low notes and then some notes that are basically feeding into second soprano. But I don’t think I could have been a second soprano because second soprano, they ask you to do a lot of that mid-range high stuff and that’s just not where my voice wants to sit.

The cat is crying. He wants to show me up and I think that’s rude.

Kayla: I hope the recording picked that up.

*Timmy Tomato the cat yowls in background*

Kristen: Oh my God.

Kayla: Who is your first crush? Like a real person?

Kristen: Crystal Gayle.

Kayla: What a name.

Kristen: That’s right, you don’t know who Crystal Gayle is. When I was, I think maybe even before I was in school, I know I’ve told you this before maybe, but the first time I got a haircut, they were like, “What do you want your hair to get cut like?” And I said, “Cut my hair like Crystal Gayle,” meaning I wanted my hair to get cut and add more hair onto it.

Kayla: You wanted it longer.

Kristen: Because Crystal Gayle had hair to the floor. She was a country singer who had hair down to the floor. It was long hair, and I wanted to have long, luxurious hair. And what did I have? I had short little hair that I would rip out of my own head because if my mom put a barrette or something, I would yank it out with all the hair still in it because I didn’t want a barrette in my hair.

Kayla: So you wanted a haircut that actually elongated your hair?

Kristen: Yes. I wanted to cut hair onto it, but I thought Crystal Gayle was beautiful because she had beautiful long hair.

Kayla: Okay. This will be a little burst of lightning round.

Kristen: Oh God.

Kayla: Have you ever called someone the wrong name during sex?

Kristen: No.

Kayla: Have you ever seen a moose?

Kristen: On TV?

Kayla: No. In person.

Kristen: No.

Kayla: Have you ever seen a mongoose?

Kristen: On TV?

Kayla: No.

Kristen: No.

Kayla: Do you know any facts about mongeese?

Kristen: What’s a mongeese?

Kayla: Isn’t that plural? Mongooses?

Kristen: I think just mongoose.

Kayla: Do you know any facts about mongooses?

Kristen: No.

Kayla: Have you ever gone on a date with a Republican?

Kristen: If I did, it was accidentally.

Kayla: Have you ever lied to someone on an airplane?

Kristen: Yes.

Kayla: Oh, wait, now I do want to know a follow-up. Can you think of a particular instance?

Kristen: No. Just a million times.

Kayla: Just a million times.

Kristen: You’re not going to see those people again! It wasn’t anything that mattered. You could just tell a little white lie.

Kayla: Would you rather have brain freeze or hit your funny bone?

Kristen: Funny bone. Brain freeze happens too much in Florida. Drink a lot of Slurpees or whatever, have an ice cream, something cold here, it hits you worse.

Kayla: Have you ever seen the movie Doubt?

Kristen: No. I read the whole plot synopsis on Wikipedia.

Kayla: You love to do that.

Kristen: I love to do that.

Kayla: That is something I know. Oh, this is not a yes or no question. When was the first time you went to a sex shop?

Kristen: I was 19.

Kayla: Wow.

Kristen: My kid was three months old. I went to the sex store as a-

Kayla: A teen mom.

Kristen: Yeah. It was overwhelming.

Kayla: I bet.

Kristen: There were a lot of signs up that were like with people’s faces on them.

Kayla: Who?

Kristen: Because if you shoplifted there, they put your face on something. It was just a lot of weird looking dudes.

Kayla: That’s a funny thing to remember though.

Kristen: But then I started to have this worry about what if I stole something? What if my face went on something.

Kayla: By accident?

Kristen: I don’t know. It’s one of those things where you just start freaking out, and I was like, “Oh my God, my face could be on here,” but you have to steal to do that. And I didn’t steal anything.

Kayla: Did you buy anything or did you just look around and get overwhelmed?

Kristen: I looked around and got overwhelmed. I also did not have any money, so.

Kayla: You could have stolen something.

Kristen: I should’ve. No, I was afraid for my life.

Kayla: What was your first screen name? Like AIM.

Kristen: Oh, I can’t reveal that.

Kayla: You can’t reveal it?

Kristen: No.

Kayla: Is it like an embarrassing fandom thing?

Kristen: No, it’s not.

Kayla: Can you tell me after?

Kristen: Yes.

Kayla: Okay.

Kristen: Don’t include that one.

Kayla: Well, I’m going to include that exchange that we just had. Did you ever own any of My Little Ponies?

Kristen: A million My Little Ponies. I had one called Strawberry Shortcake, and she was my favorite. She was white and she had strawberries, red, red strawberries that went all down her…hindquarters. That sounds wild and just very sexual. And she had shiny red hair. And I loved her. She was my favorite of my regular sized ponies. And then my other favorites, I had twins that were called Buttercup and something else, and they were a little pale yellow, and they had purple hair, and they were twin baby ponies. And I was like, “That’s the mom and those are the babies.”

Kayla: The hindquarters.

Kristen: I’m sorry I said that so sexually.

Kayla: Did you ever own a duct tape wallet?

Kristen: No. My brother had one though.

Kayla: I’m kind of surprised.

Kristen: Some of the things of my gayness were like, I didn’t have to do that, my brother did it, it’s fine.

Kayla: Gotcha. Did you ever have a Yahoo account?

Kristen: Yes.

Kayla: Did you ever answer a question on Yahoo Answers?

Kristen: I’m sure that I did, but I shouldn’t have. I’m sure I didn’t know.

Kayla: Did you ever ask a question on Yahoo Answers?

Kristen: I did not ask any questions.

Kayla: Have you ever had a sexual dream about Jeeves of Ask Jeeves?

Kristen: No. Jeeves of Ask Jeeves seems a little like a top.

Kayla: Yeah, that’s probably true.

Kristen: Oh, he’s a little too condescending in that kind of way where I’m like, “I don’t need that.”

Kayla: Not interested.

Kristen: Not interested.

Kayla: What is your social security number?

Kristen: That’s on you if you don’t know. The cat is screaming. He’s telling me not to answer.

Kayla: Have you ever ridden on a motorcycle?

Kristen: Yes. My first time riding on the back of a motorcycle was when I was six.

Kayla: I kind of had a feeling you had, but I didn’t actually know the answer. I was just like, this just seems like something-

Kristen: The cat is caterwauling.

Kayla: But six years old though?

Kristen: My dad had a motorcycle.

Kayla: Oh, I didn’t know that.

Kristen: And he rode us around the house we were in that was next to the topless bar. He rode us all around it, and then he rode my brother, and I was on the back of the motorcycle, not in a helmet or anything. I was holding onto my dad’s back on the back of the motorcycle.

That same day or not, if it wasn’t that same day, that same weekend, my brother and my dad had peed outside and I was like, “I’m going to pee outside.” So then I tried to pee outside and I pulled my pants down. I just peed all over my pants.

Kayla: I also did not know that story.

Kristen: And then I just shoved those in the laundry.

Kayla: But I love that you were like, “Well, they did it, so I’m going to do it.”

Kristen: That’s what you do when you have to ride on a motorcycle, you got to take a little whiz. I was like, “I whizzed all over myself. Oh no.” I was behind the house. I was outside the house and then just peed all over my pants.

Kayla: Have you ever won a spelling bee?

Kristen: Oh, I came in so close. I misspelled scissor.

Kayla: Oh, right. We’ve talked about this because I misspelled scissor on a spelling test.

Kristen: That was in third grade, and I had depression in third grade.

Kayla: Yeah, I did know that.

Kristen: So then I misspelled scissor and freaked out. Everybody else went to something, and I was like, “I’m going to stay behind.” And then I glued a note to my desk saying that I was the stupidest person. I glued it to my desk, and then I cried. My teacher came in, and then I had to go to therapy at school.

Kayla: I knew about the note glued to the desk, but I don’t think I knew it was a result of a failed spelling bee.

Kristen: Those things were all connected. Third grade was a tough year.

Kayla: Yes.

Kristen: Third grade was a tough year for me.

Kayla: How did you use to kill your Sim in the Sims?

Kristen: I never played Sims.

Kayla: I can’t remember if I knew that or not. It seems like a shocking fact. What’s your-

Kristen: I was too busy having a child, Kayla.

Kayla: Okay. That’s true.

Kristen: Some of us had to raise our own Sims. They were real people.

Kayla: The ultimate Sim. A baby.

Kristen: You can’t just let them be like, “I need to pee. I need to pee.” You have to let them go to the bathroom.

Kayla: You have to give them a ladder if you give them a pool. What’s your favorite city that we’ve traveled together to?

Kristen: Oh, I like so many.

Kayla: I know.

Kristen: Can I name a couple?

Kayla: Sure.

Kristen: I’ve really loved Chicago. Chicago’s so fun, and I really liked it. Portland, Maine. It’s been a lot of fun. I didn’t really have a feeling about New York, one way or the other, until you and I started dating, and now I really like going there. I liked going to Pacific Northwest with you. That was a good time.

Kayla: Yeah. We’ve been to a lot of places.

Kristen: Seattle.

Kayla: That’s why I was like, “I don’t know her answer to this question, because we’ve been so many places.”

Kristen: Yeah. And I like when we go to North Carolina together because that’s a thing I did as a child, but now when you and I do it, it feels special.

Kayla: That’s something I really like, because I’d never really spent any time there, especially that part of North Carolina where it’s almost Georgia.

Kristen: Yeah. What is it? Western, Southern?

Kayla: It’s not that far from where I grew up.

Kristen: Yeah, I’ve had a lot of fun with that.

Kayla: What’s something you thought about me early on that turned out not to be true? If you can think of anything. Either before we even met in person or even just before we didn’t know each other that well.

Kristen: I thought you might be a little mean.

Kayla: You thought I might be mean? From my social media persona?

Kristen: No, you just were kind of like a hotness that I thought maybe you’d be a little mean.

Kayla: Yeah, I can be petty, but not really mean.

Kristen: No, you’re nice.

Kayla: Yeah.

Kristen: Complimentary.

Kayla: Have you ever accidentally eaten expired ham?

Kristen: I’m sure that I have.

Kayla: I think you would remember. I have. And I’ll never get the taste out of my mind.

Kristen: I’m sure I’ll do it again in the future.

Kayla: It tasted like nail polish remover.

Kristen: Oh, okay.

Kayla: It’s pretty bad. Tell me something I don’t know about library work, and it can even be boring.

Kristen: That so many people who work in libraries don’t know anything about books.

Kayla: Oh, yeah. That’s interesting.

Kristen: Myself not included. I just shouted that.

Kayla: There’s this assumption that if you work in libraries, you’re a bookworm.

Kristen: Or that you’re a reader or something like that. And it was like, that’s maybe not true. I’ll never forget working one time and having a librarian be like, “Oh, what are you reading right now?” And I was reading something for school that time because I was taking night classes and I was taking that Faulkner class. So I was like, “Oh, I’m reading this Faulkner book..” And she was like, “Oh, who’s that? What’s that?” And I was like, “Wow. Wow, wow.” You can be a whole ass librarian with a master’s degree and you don’t have to know shit about books. Although, I will say this, you should.

Kayla: It does seem kind of important.

Kristen: I had a whole fight with somebody who was a librarian at the time, and I was still just working staff, and they argued with me for close to 20 minutes about what day Christmas Eve was. We straight up have Google for any of those issues.

Kayla: Yeah.

Kristen: So yeah, there’s plenty of people that work in libraries that maybe don’t know anything, but not me. I’m a genius.

Kayla: Gay and literate.

Kristen: Yeah.

Kayla: If you could have any skills that you don’t currently possess, what would it be?

Kristen: Time management.

Kayla: What?! That’s not what I was expecting. I thought you were going to be like sword fighting, welding.

Kristen: I can do either of those. What I can’t do is time management.

Kayla: Well, that is something I know about you.

You Need Help: How Do I Make Myself Like My Girlfriend’s Cat?

Q:

I know that as a lesbian this is sacrilegious, but I don’t really like cats. I have tried to fight this feeling for much of my life, tentatively patting friends’ cats and smiling at funny videos, but much like my sexuality, no amount of faking it could change me. My family always had several big, friendly, cozy dogs when I was growing up and just don’t really ‘get’ cats or why you would want one in your home.

The issue is, my girlfriend and I moved in together a few months ago after three years of dating, and she has a cat — so now, by default, I have a cat. I’ve tried, genuinely really hard to warm to him. He’s a sweet enough cat and I’ve sometimes had fun playing with him, and I do enjoy when he curls into a little loaf.

But I just can’t get past this negative feeling towards him. I don’t like the way he climbs all over the furniture, don’t like having to hide my stuff so he won’t scratch it, don’t like having a litter box in our living room, don’t like the creepy way he stares at me…I could go on. I recognize these are all pretty minor things, but it all just makes me that bit less comfortable in my home and I feel my mood darken when I hear his meow. I am aware that I sound like a terrible person and this is why I can’t discuss the issue with friends.

My girlfriend is aware I’m not the biggest cat person and we talked a bit about my concerns before we moved in together. He’s not allowed in our bedroom, and she’s conscious of dealing with his litter etc. But I don’t want to tell her that I’m struggling now because she’d only be stressed and upset and there’s nothing she could do.

I don’t want my girlfriend to get rid of her cat, of course, that would be a horrible thing to do and our relationship definitely wouldn’t recover. I just want to learn to love (or at least like) this creature who will now be part of my life for the next ten or so years (all being well with my relationship and the cat’s health). How can I do this?

A:

First of all, I just want to affirm that it is perfectly okay to not like cats. I say this as a cat person! It is okay to not like cats, and it is not required of gays to like cats despite any stereotypes that might exist. You are also not a terrible person, and if you do want to talk about this with your friends, I think they would be open to it. Who knows — some of them might be able to relate and offer advice! Because I think your situation is perhaps more common than you realize. Merging pets — as with a lot of the things that come with moving in with partner — can be tricky to navigate.

You already did things right by talking about this before moving in together. So great work on that front! I’m glad you talked about your concerns with the cat ahead of time, and I’m glad there are already some solutions in place like not allowing the cat into the bedroom. If anyone else is reading this piece who might soon be a similar situation, DO WHAT THIS PERSON DID! Talk about it before you move in with someone. That’ll make it so much easier to have ongoing conversations.

So, on that topic, I know you probably see this coming, but you do have to talk about it again with your girlfriend. You can preface this by telling her you really are trying (it sounds like you are!) and that you’re grateful for the ways she’s already being accommodating about making you feel more comfortable in the house. But sometimes it takes a while to truly get used to new living situations, and sometimes it takes renegotiating compromises.

It sounds like you’ve made a genuine effort with the cat but things are still bothering you. So, now is the time to talk to your girlfriend about how you’re really feeling. This might be a very difficult conversation. Pet people tend to be intense about our pets. But I hope you can both approach the conversation from a place of mutual understanding and a desire to figure out ways to cohabitate with minimal friction — and when I say cohabitate I also mean you and the cat not just you and the girlfriend!

Some if not all of the things you outline do sound like they could be addressed in a conversation with your girlfriend. Let’s go through each one and see if there are possible solutions or compromises to try out!

I don’t like the way he climbs all over the furniture. This is a possibly solvable problem. While it can be difficult to train cats, sometimes people are actually the stubborn ones when it comes to training cats — not the cats themselves. It’s worth asking your girlfriend if she’s open to incentivizing the cat to no longer be on the furniture as much. Or maybe not to climb on particular pieces of furniture. If she agrees to it, then you can both test out some methods of enforcing new rules for the cat. Don’t spend a bunch of money on the sprays that are supposedly deterrents. Most of them are kind of scammy. You can Google all sorts of cat training tips and tricks. Focus on the ones that prioritize rewarding the cat rather than punishing; they’re usually more effective. We’re still in the process of trying to get our cat to stop scratching our couch, and so far the thing that has worked best has been moving a cat scratcher to right next to the couch and moving him to that any time he tries to scratch the couch. It has helped a lot. Again, while it can be difficult to change or redirect a cat’s behavior, it’s not impossible. And even if you can’t prevent the cat from being on any furniture, it’s possible there are some compromises here! Did you bring some of your own furniture into the space? Since that furniture is newer to the cat, it could be easier to make it off limits.

I won’t lie: It’s possible none of these things will work or at least not work perfectly. And it’s kind of up to you if it’s worth the hassle and time to even try. There’s only so much we can control pets, especially cats. But I think anything that might make you feel more comfortable in what is now your home too is worth at least trying.

I don’t like having to hide my stuff so he won’t scratch it. Yeah this one is definitely tough! Would love to hear if any cat owners have suggestions in the comments. I wonder if this speaks at all to any broader issues: Do you have places in the home that feel like yours? Do you feel like adequate space has been made to store your stuff? It can be hard to be the person moving into a partner’s space, and I hope you have things and areas that do feel like yours, which sometimes gets complicated when there’s a pet in the house since they tend to, well, treat the entire place like it belongs to them, especially cats.

I don’t like having a litter box in our living room. This is the one I actually feel most confident about coming up with a compromise for. Understandably, I do think litter boxes are one of the biggest sticking points when moving in with a cat when you’re not really a cat person. Is there any other room that would make you feel better for it to be located? For most cats, it’s pretty intuitive for their litter boxes to be moved. I’m not sure what kind of litter box your girlfriend currently has, but is it worth it to look into other options that reduce smell, dust, etc? There are self-cleaning ones and some that use alternatives to traditional litter. These higher end litter boxes get pricey, but it could still be worth trying out. I also have friends who got really creative with hiding their cat’s litter box: They bought a small cabinet from IKEA with a door (something like this), placed the litter box inside it, and cut a hole in the back of it so the cat could easily get in and made that back part face a wall with enough room for the cat to still maneuver into it. Then when they need to clean it, they open the door at the front, slide the box out, clean it, slide it back, and close the door. They did this so their dog wouldn’t be able to get into it, but it also doubles as a creative way to keep a litter box unseen in a home. The cabinet also lends an extra protective layer against smells.

I don’t like the creepy way he stares at me. This one, I gotta be real honest, is probably the least solvable one of the list 😭 cats do indeed just stare creepily sometimes. While I don’t see this as likely to change, I think it’s possible that if some of the other things on your list are addressed and your girlfriend works with you to reach compromises about the cat then it’s possible this won’t bother you as much as it currently does! This one might not be worth bringing up with your girlfriend since I don’t really see a way to shift it, and I think part of what will help with your girlfriend not getting stressed or overwhelmed is sticking to focusing on reasonable shifts that can be made. And I don’t say that to make you feel weird or like you’re being unreasonable! In fact, I’m confident from your letter to know you’ll understand why it probably isn’t reasonable to expect this one to change.

I think being open and honest with your girlfriend — if not sharing all of it — could lead to some further compromises which could in turn lead to a better relationship with the cat. I think it’s important to temper expectations. You might not fall in love overnight, so I like that you’re already striving for at least liking if not fully loving right away. It’s true that living with your girlfriend requires living with the cat, but loving your girlfriend doesn’t necessarily require loving the cat. It just requires making an effort, which you’re already in the process of doing. For what it’s worth, it sounds like you live with an easy-ish cat, so that’s good! If you don’t like cats, you don’t like cats. But you do like your girlfriend, and the cat comes with her. You can treat this as an ongoing process and open ended conversation. Letting things bottle up might make it so much worse.

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You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

You Need Help: I Moved Closer to My Girlfriend but She’s Too Busy for Me

Q:

Hi!

I’ve been a relationship with my girlfriend for 2.5 years. We met 3 years ago during while I was living in Germany (though a train ride away, which was basically long distance for months at a time due to restrictions), but then I moved back to my home country to finish my studies. After 2 years we decided long distance was too much and I have moved back to Germany to do more study so we can be together.

She’s wonderful and has been really attentive to helping me settle in. However, now the dust has settled I feel like she barely has time to see me and is often too tired from all her commitments to do anything other than chill when we do see each other.

We don’t live together and our schedules are quite mismashed. I have a lot of independent study time and she has lots of meetings and classes plus a job. I’ve always loved that she is an ambitious person but now I am (maybe hypocritically) feeling that she does not really want to prioritise our relationship or adjust anything that she was doing when we lived in different countries to make time.

I know part of the issue is that I am adjusting to a new country and language and that I will feel better once I’ve made friends. However this all takes time and is difficult in a culture that is more reserved than I’m used to and where I’m not a native speaker.

What should I do? I don’t want to stop her living her life or make my loneliness her problem, but I hate having to schedule two hour time slots to see her in the weekday and having to rush when we have evenings together. She’s been really emotionally supportive and has taken on a lot of admin and stress about me moving here and being happy (much more than I realised before I arrived) and I know she cares about our relationship, but she’s also just never free!

A:

I think this is absolutely a conversation you can have with your girlfriend. You’ve been together 2.5 years, and I think it’s reasonable that you want to spend more time together. If you mutually decided long distance was too hard (which is what it sounds like), then I think you can also mutually work toward an arrangement that suits both of your needs.

This doesn’t have to look like you asking her to stop living her life. But I do think that when a long distance partner moves to be closer to another partner — especially given that that’s what both people wanted — then sometimes the partner who did not have to move does have to be open a bit to change and to figuring out how to make space for that person. You shouldn’t be the only person adapting right now. You’ve made a major life change by moving, and while I’m not saying your girlfriend needs to completely change her life or give up parts of herself on your behalf, there does need to be a sense of compromise and an acknowledgement that this is a major transition for both of you. It’s great that she’s providing a lot of emotional support and is generally helping you with your adjustment period. But if you have additional needs like wanting to spend more time together, I think it’s fair to ask for that. In many ways, it makes it easier that it’s such a specific ask.

I don’t think needing to schedule specific time together is in and of itself a problem, but it sounds like it might not be working the way y’all are doing it right now. Does she cancel or cut short those scheduled times? If so, it’s worth emphasizing that you only want to commit to scheduled time if you know it’s going to be honored in full (barring any genuinely unpredictable situations, of course, there should always be a bit of leeway because life is chaotic, especially for someone who’s balancing classes and a job). Is the time you spend together intentional and intimate? If you need to ask for things like her not being on her phone or other stipulations that might make her feel more fully present, those are also worth bringing up.

In a lot of ways, I can relate to your girlfriend. I’m often exhausted by my various commitments in life, and it can make it hard to have fun with my fiancee. Instituting regular date nights helps, especially when we can share the responsibility of planning said date nights or take turns. Something that is true for me that I’m sure is true of your girlfriend — especially, again, if she also wanted you to move closer — is that I genuinely want to spend as much time as possible with my partner. Being busy isn’t being avoidant for me. I just sometimes go down the rabbit hole of my own work. It’s a balance I struggle with sometimes, and I think one thing I’ve really realized helps is maintaining an openness to shifting and adapting as needed. There are times when it’s easier to set weekly date nights, and there are times when it’s harder, so during those times when I can’t make weekly date nights happen, what else can we do to spend meaningful time together? Breakfasts together? Walks? Something else?

It’s great that you’re supportive, but I don’t think you have to see your own needs and your desire for more time with her as working against her ambitions. There are always ways to compromise, always ways to try new things. You’ve had to make a lot of adjustments to your life (a new country and a new language are HUGE), so I think it’s okay to ask her to make some, too, especially if it’s all in service of overall relationship health. It might take a while to figure out exactly how to make it all work, but so long as you’re both working toward the goal of more quality time together, you’ll get there.

It is not hypocritical to ask her to prioritize the relationship and also do things differently than when you were long distance. Even though you’re not living together, moving to be closer to her represents a new phase of the relationship, and both parties should be feeling that. Long distance is hard, but there are also some benefits to long distance in the sense that it’s “easier” to be super present and attentive when you’re together because those moments are so rare. I’m not saying she’s taking you for granted, but I do think it could be beneficial for you both if you initiate a conversation about what you want from this relationship and why you moved closer. The person who moved shouldn’t be the only person experiencing change. I hope you both can be open to talking about this and figuring out solutions that feel good for both of you.

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You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

You Need Help: Your Wife Doesn’t Want Sex, but There’s Something Deeper Here

Q:

My wife and I have been together for almost 10 years. When we first started dating, I had very little romantic/sexual experience, all of it almost entirely with other women. My wife came into our relationship with a ton of experience, but all of it with men. At first our sexual intimacy seemed normal — not the most frequent, but we were both enthusiastic and putting in effort and enjoying ourselves, even if we were both shy and anxious. Since then, things have deteriorated. I want to make it clear: I love my wife. I have never loved anyone in the way I love my wife and I don’t think I ever will again. I’m demisexual, meaning it’s hard for me to find someone I’m attracted to in the first place, and before I met my wife I never knew I was capable of feeling this depth of love for someone. My wife also loves me in the same surprising way. I love her so much and I love the life we’ve built together. But we basically don’t have sex anymore. I feel like I should have known something was off early into our relationship when I would want to have sex or make out like once or twice a week and she wouldn’t and just the act of me asking or trying to initiate reset some sort of counter in her head. Like talking about having sex was the same as having sex, so if I brought it up a few days later it’d be like “no, we already did that this week.” And she’d feel so pressured and like I was asking for too much. I was really inexperienced and shy and anxious and I thought that I was the problem, that I was some huge hulking horny sex monster. That me wanting more was too much, that I was too much. It got to the point where she didn’t even want to make out with me because she was worried I would want sex.

I‘ve been fat my whole life and have dealt with a lot of rejection, both romantic and otherwise, because of it. I don’t have a wealth of romantic or sexual experience outside my marriage. I’m also autistic and find it very hard to know what “normal” is — not that that should matter, since every relationship is unique, but when I was younger this was a big source of my feeling othered and rejected. Despite doing my best to work through this, I’ve spent most of my marriage still feeling this rejection. My wife has made it clear that she DOES want me and she DOES find me hot/beautiful/attractive… but the follow through just isn’t there. There’s always so many perfectly reasonable explanations: she has chronic pain, she can’t breathe easily through her nose which makes things difficult, she used to get frequent migraines, she has sexual trauma from a past relationship, she has ADHD and has trouble staying in the moment.

After the first couple years, most of the sex we did have ended up being me eating her out and then having to masturbate on my own. I found out through lots of conversation and trying to work through this that she largely dissociates through sex and the reason she was able to have a slut era before we met was because she would just lie back and take it and think about other things, but with me she wants to try and be active and she just… can’t. Which means we mostly don’t have sex. And when we do, it’s still mostly just me being active. I enjoy being the more active partner — to an extent — but when it’s all we do, I feel like it’s because I don’t deserve to be on the receiving end. That sex with me is only worth it if she doesn’t have to do anything. I know that’s not the truth and a lot of that feeling comes from how much difficulty I have orgasming (because I feel like if I could cum, then she would find more satisfaction from being active because she would find fulfillment in getting me off). I have a lot of empathy for my wife and I try my best to be understanding, but it hurts so much. We have a very open and communicative relationship. We talk through our problems and we work together and usually that works, but every conversation about sex seems to put more pressure on my wife and make her shut down even more.

We’ve tried opening up our marriage and that was its own special disaster. I don’t know if I just didn’t like our third or if I can’t feel that way for anyone other than my wife. He was more interested in me than in my wife, but I stepped out relatively early to let them be together (even tho that hurt SO much and was so hard to work through) because I wasn’t comfortable being in that kind of relationship with someone other than my wife. I’ve thought about trying it with a different person, but I just can’t see myself wanting anyone other than my wife and at this point, my wife also doesn’t want anyone else.

We’ve tried a sex calendar. It started as a day of the week. Then every other week. Then once a month. Then… never. There were always perfectly valid reasons why it couldn’t happen. Life or health or work got in the way. I manage our schedules and calendar (my wife has ADHD time blindness) so I would always be the one reminding her that it was the day we were supposed to have sex, and then when it didn’t happen (however valid the reason) I would feel double rejected. Rejected first because we weren’t sleeping together, rejected second because we had specifically agreed to this thing to try to improve our sex life and she couldn’t even stick to that. It was so much more crushing than I could have expected, to the point that I ended this arrangement because I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I’ve brought up couples therapy, brought up sex therapy, and she’s not against it but she’s never followed through and I think neither of us even know where to start looking. I don’t think a straight or neurotypical therapist would Get it. I’ve practically begged her to at least bring it up during her normal therapy and she won’t because she’s too anxious. I tried to bring it up with my therapist but her reaction was so incredulous I just shut down and eventually ended that relationship because I lost trust in her ability to help me. Our sex life has gotten bad to the point where we only had sex twice in all of last year and I couldn’t enjoy either time. I’ve become so anxious about sex that I feel totally numb to everything but my own anxiety. I’m so desperate to try to make the experience enjoyable for her that I can’t enjoy any of it. I can’t even enjoy making out anymore, which used to be one of my favorite parts of intimacy.

And despite this I still WANT sex. I’ve spent so long trying to love myself and my body and this makes me hate it because I feel like maybe if I was better, if I was more attractive and appealing, if I was more sensitive and could cum more easily, then maybe she’d want me. At this point, I’ve told her that I cannot handle rejection anymore and that if she wants to sleep with me, she needs to ask for or initiate it. And I just don’t think she ever will. I think in the almost 10 years we’ve been together that she’s initiated sex… maybe twice? I don’t know what to do. I feel like our sex life is totally broken, but at the same time I can’t seem to give up that last kernel of hope. I think the icing on top is that despite all this, my wife does not consider herself to be asexual.

And here I am, actually ace, and I’m despondent over a lack of sex in our relationship. I feel ridiculous and pathetic. I hate feeling like this and I think the worst part is how much I resent her. I don’t want to resent the person I love, but I feel like our sex life is irreparably broken. I feel like I’M broken. I don’t know what to do.

A:

Dear friend, you wrote in a while ago with this, so I hope it finds you well and perhaps no longer in this relationship. That’s correct. I do think you two should break up. I’m certainly not in your relationship, but there are a number of things I can see from your very detailed message that raised some red flags or concerns for me.

First, from your perspective, you say: “I’m demisexual, meaning it’s hard for me to find someone I’m attracted to in the first place, and before I met my wife I never knew I was capable of feeling this depth of love for someone.”

The ‘sunk cost fallacy’ seems relevant here. In your statement, I’m seeing that you feel like you’ve invested so heavily in this relationship, that you are better off sticking it out, even though it’s not working. The thing is, it’s better to be alone alone than alone in a relationship. It is. Trust me. You will feel so much better about yourself, so much less anxious, so much more able to focus on other things besides romantic love that can make you happy. So, even if you might never find romantic love again or feel it at this depth again, what I’m hearing about the relationship has made me concerned about your well-being within it and I do think that you’re better off taking that risk and going it alone.

You say: “I feel like I should have known something was off early into our relationship when I would want to have sex or make out like once or twice a week and she wouldn’t and just the act of me asking or trying to initiate reset some sort of counter in her head.”

You are absolutely right that this dynamic was an early warning sign. Look, people have different relationships to sex and their sexuality and all that can be negotiated and talked about within a relationship. But in this part of your letter, notice that you are reporting to me that you are not talking about this dynamic, and in fact, even talking about sex is now taboo within your relationship. This is unfair to you, and frankly what you’re describing here is verging on the edge of gaslighting. I do not like this for you. Your partner should be attempting to stay grounded in the same reality as you, but instead, here, she’s making a new reality. She’s saying that talking about making out or your asking to make out is the same thing as making out. That’s not true! That’s not reality! She is keeping tabs and has a “counter” in her head, which surely makes you feel watched, monitored, surveilled, less empowered in the relationship than her. That’s an unfair power dynamic! Your partner also has found a way to make you feel that you expressing your needs to her makes you into a “hulking sex monster.” I’m sorry, but sex is a part of life, and if you are a person who enjoys sex and desires sex and sexual contact within a relationship, it does not make you a monster. My intuition is telling me that there might be aspects to the ways that she’s reacting to you that leave you feeling this way. She is not having productive conversations with you. Instead, she is allowing you to or contributing to you feeling shame for feelings that are perfectly natural, normal and valid.

Similarly, not wanting to make out with you because she is worried about you wanting sex is messed up on a number of levels. 1) This indicates to you that your wanting sex is “wrong” within the context of your relationship. It isn’t wrong to want sex. It might make her feel uncomfortable, but again, that’s a conversation you need to have and that she needs to be open to having. 2) This would make me feel like the other person thought I had no self control or ability to regulate my emotions, that they think if I make out with them and then want sex and they don’t, that I’m going to react poorly or immaturely. Thus, we’re returning to a world where she is contributing to your internalizing shame about yourself that honestly doesn’t sound based in who you actually are as a person.

You write that your wife has talked about dissociating during sex, but has there ever been a conversation about or effort — on either of your parts — to understand or unpack that further? Identifying dissociation as an experience is just one step. Has there been any movement toward figuring out where it stems from or additional communication between you two about how to grapple with it? Real open communication would work toward that.

“I’ve been fat my whole life and have dealt with a lot of rejection, both romantic and otherwise, because of it. I don’t have a wealth of romantic or sexual experience outside my marriage. I’m also autistic and find it very hard to know what “normal” is — not that that should matter, since every relationship is unique, but when I was younger this was a big source of my feeling othered and rejected.”

I am concerned for you. You mention a history of rejection, which your partner does not appear to be sensitive to with her actions and words. To heal from that, wouldn’t it feel good to have someone who didn’t reject you so frequently? You also mention that you’re autistic. I’m also autistic! And I can tell you it does leave us more vulnerable to manipulation within romantic partnerships and also that, again, I do not like the way that your partner seems to be so unwilling to meet you halfway in terms of making sure the relationship dynamic is one that feels comfortable and supportive to you, as opposed to one where you feel like you’re constantly haunted by feelings of rejection. Notice that I am not saying she is obligated to have sex! No one is. But the way this is playing out on an emotional and communication level is a concern.

“We talk through our problems and we work together and usually that works, but every conversation about sex seems to put more pressure on my wife and make her shut down even more. We’ve tried opening up our marriage and that was its own special disaster.”

I’ve already said I don’t like the way these conversations are going. It sounds like your wife has something going on when it comes to sex that she is having difficulty resolving. I also can understand why opening up the relationship in any way (although I would not necessarily have gone head-first into a threesome) is difficult for you as a demisexual. Again, I feel like the way this threesome went, though, is indicative of something more insidious. You are telling us that your feelings were hurt “SO much” when you stepped away to let your wife have sex with the other person. Honestly, in a situation like this, things should stop if one person feels as uncomfortable as you’ve described yourself being. If I was having a threesome and a partner got upset, it’s not time to keep going while they leave the room! It’s time to check in! Maybe it’s time to stop things altogether, put some comfy clothes on, get everyone some tea, and talk things out. You are telling me one thing, which is that your wife and you communicate well and she cares for you, and then I am seeing something different, which is that your needs are continuously deprioritized in the relationship, and that seems to be how things play out when it comes to your wife’s actions.

“We’ve tried a sex calendar … I’ve brought up couples therapy, brought up sex therapy, and she’s not against it but she’s never followed through and I think neither of us even know where to start looking.”

Everything you’ve described in this part of the letter is so helpful, because this shows me your wife is not willing to put in any kind of effort or move into a space of discomfort in any way for you. All the while, you are the one who is perpetually in a space of discomfort. She won’t bring sex up with her therapist because it gives her anxiety? What about the anxiety you feel All The Time? Why won’t she push herself outside of her comfort zone for less than an hour, in what is presumably a safe space, and talk about something that would massively improve things for you (AND for her) if she could find a way to work through her feelings on the subject? Also, I am sorry, but there is time blindness and there are issues with scheduling, and then there are excuses and not caring. She’s had enough time and enough chances that if she cared about doing something like finding time for sex, initiating sex, seeking out a sex therapist, figuring out her relationship to sex and how she can show up for you in the relationship — she would. If she cared, she would be trying to find a solution with you. Instead, it’s all on you and you’re left holding the bag, wondering what’s wrong with you.

This is about sex, yes, because sex is a thing many people — including some ace people — need and a thing many people look for in relationships, but this is also about how you are being cared for, how you are being treated and what you’re going through. I don’t see this dynamic improving. You have exhausted so many different paths for remedying this problem. You have given your wife so many chances, and she has squandered them. There is trauma, there is neurodivergence, there are hangups we all have — but none of these things are excuses for treating a partner poorly or perpetuating a dynamic in a relationship that tanks one person’s self esteem and fosters the kind of anxiety you’re describing here. It’s going to be so hard. It’s been ten years. Divorce really fucking sucks and is scary, but I sincerely think you should move on. You are worthy of love and intimacy and, I am so sorry to say this, but this treatment does not sound like love to me. You might love her, but she is not showing you the kind of care in return that would indicate actual love. Her words are not meeting her actions. It’s time to break up.

I am sending you so many good thoughts as you go through this. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t offer you easier news or a happier solution. Still, I know that you’re strong, that you can do this, that you’ve got this.

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You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

You Need Help: How Do I Stop Bringing Baggage From My Last Relationship Into My New One?

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Q:

I’ve recently started dating someone and it has been lovely. They are super chill and really caring at the same time, great at communication (at least way better than me), and the physical intimacy has been pretty awesome (which is rare because I’m gray asexual and it’s alway tricky for me). We have had great conversations without rushing into things. It’s fun. Basically, it’s the loveliest start I’ve ever had to a relationship and yet I feel like I’m going crazy.

My previous relationship was completely messy. He kept blowing hot and cold, could be super intense and a week later seem completely indifferent. He cheated on me in front of my eyes with a cis person when I had just talked about struggling with my transition and heaving feelings of inadequacy (we are both trans). He was not honest about what was happening, and it started a heavy circle of anxiety and depression for me. In summary, it was very toxic and traumatic.

We have repaired some stuff over the years after breaking up, and I felt like I had overcome the biggest part of it and was ready to start something new. But the last few weeks, I have been feeling so insecure and needy, so distrustful of this genuinely great new partner, that I’m wondering if this is worth it, if I can handle it. I overthink every text, feel abandoned when they don’t reach out for a couple days. I’m also worried that if i tell them what’s going through my mind they will run for the hills because it is not for them to deal with the consequences of my ex’s behavior. I don’t feel like I have much to offer except my insecurities (I’m also really struggling with dysphoria at the moment).

Am I really ready? Should I be honest with myself and take more time to heal, even though I want to experience this relationship?

A:

At the end of every episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race, RuPaul famously asks, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else? Can I get an amen?” “Amen!” the rest of the cast shouts.

Sorry to disagree with drag icon RuPaul Charles, but I think that’s bullshit.

I’m not someone who jumps from relationship to relationship. I like having time between partners to be alone and work on myself. But over the years I’ve learned a hard truth: Sometimes there’s a limit to what we can do on our own.

It makes sense, right? If you get into a car accident and develop a fear of driving, the options are never drive again or get back in a car. Sure, you can work your way up to conquering the fear. Maybe you start by driving on side streets or in a parking lot. But if getting on the highway is something you want out of life, your only option is to get back on the highway.

When I first started flirting with my now partner, it had been about a year and a half since my last relationship. I still didn’t feel ready for something serious and circumstances made it so serious wasn’t an option. We lived in different countries and it was peak pandemic. This lowered the stakes and lowered some of my emotional walls. Before I knew it a year had passed and I was driving nine hours across the border to meet her. I still had anxieties from my last relationship, but I’d let myself fall hard enough that I pushed through them.

She and I had spent the previous years growing a lot on our own. Now we were ready to grow together. This is where it gets really scary: Growing together requires communication.

I understand the impulse to not want to scare away your new partner with your anxieties. That is the exact kind of vulnerability I struggle with too. I’d rather keep a feeling to myself especially when I think it’s irrational. What I’ve had to learn is there’s a big difference between pushing your anxieties onto another person and letting them know you’re feeling anxious.

An example. Let’s say, you text the person you’re dating and they don’t text you back right away. I’m not suggesting you let the wounds of your ex bleed into a frantic message like, “I haven’t heard from you and it feels like you don’t like me anymore.” That’s not productive. But, next time you’re with them, you can say that sometimes you feel insecure when they don’t text back right away because of your ex. You can tell them you know it’s not rational but it’s just a feeling you have and you might need a bit more reassurance. Maybe they’ll say they just aren’t great at texting while at work or with friends and then you can figure out new communication expectations that work for both of you.

Conversations like this don’t even have to be A Thing. Trust me. You will not be the first queer person to talk about your ex with a person you’re dating. That’s like queer culture. You can let your new person in on your history and what parts of that history still weigh on you without passing on that weight.

I’m really sorry your ex cheated on you and made you feel inadequate. I know that hurt is even greater since your ex is also trans. We want to feel safe when dating within our own communities and sometimes that’s not the case. It’s hard to get over a hurt like that. But it’s possible. By yourself or with a new, loving partner, it’s possible.

If, ultimately, you decide you just need more time for solo growth before being in a new relationship, that’s okay. I just want to offer the possibility that you could keep growing alongside this new person who you seem to really like and who seems to really like you. I promise, they have more growth to do too.

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You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

You Need Help: My Girlfriend Doesn’t Want To Have Sex

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Q:

My girlfriend and I got together about a month ago, after years of friendship and many months of secretive hooking up (very hot). The sex felt really awesome and explorative and most importantly: safe and intimate. I have only had one actual relationship before, and for her this is her first relationship. We went to university together for the last 4 years, and the “secretive hookups” started right after we graduated this year in April. We decided to be official about a month ago, and had sex a bunch right after that, but after about a week she told me that the idea of sex suddenly felt really unappealing and that she abruptly didn’t want to have sex. She assured me that no boundaries were ever crossed before, just that for the moment she didn’t want to have sex. Maybe for a few days, could be like a week, she couldn’t say.

I honestly am really glad she felt like she could talk to me about this so openly, and we seemed to land in a good spot with me saying that her not wanting to have sex for a bit didn’t change anything or make me feel any less attracted to her. I honestly did feel that way, and I never want her to feel like she isn’t enough if we aren’t having sex.

However, it’s now been about 2.5 weeks, and we haven’t really even been making out or doing other sex-adjacent things, even though we have been spending lots of time together. The hiatus from sex has really revealed to me that I think I find a lot of affirmation about being desired through even just kissing/making out — so not even doing much of that has left me feeling like maybe she doesn’t ever want to have sex, and in some way maybe that’s my fault.

Anyway, would love any input about how to talk to her about this and whether or not I even should? I just want to have sex with my girlfriend, but the last thing I want is for her to have sex with me if she doesn’t fully want to.

A:

This is absolutely something you can — and should — talk to her about.

I agree that it is good that your girlfriend felt comfortable enough to express this shift in her needs/wants to you, but it also doesn’t really sound like she gave much by way of an explanation. There are a lot of reasons people’s sex drives change; I do think you both owe it to each other to talk about it, even if this leads to uncomfortable or uncertain waters. I think it is totally reasonable and appropriate to do a check-in where you ask where she thinks this shift might be coming from. Has anything else shifted for her about the way she sees your relationship? What changed for her?

It’s possible she herself doesn’t know where this shift is coming from, and that’s okay, but when you initiate this conversation, she has the opportunity to say that. The question of why is really important here, even if there isn’t a concrete answer yet. Asking her why she has changed her mind about sex isn’t pressuring her to do something she doesn’t want to do. It doesn’t signal that something is wrong with her. It’s just an opportunity for conversation, and it’s one she should be willing to have if you are in a relationship. She is entitled to her own needs and desires — or lack thereof — but she doesn’t get to overwrite or dictate your experience in this relationship either.

You write that this has all made you feel like she doesn’t ever want to have sex and that it could be in some way your fault, and while I understand that impulse, it doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything to cause this, especially if she has assured you that her boundaries have been respected throughout this.

I don’t want to answer for her as to why this shift has occurred, because again, it could be so many things! But I do wonder if there’s something about the transition from secret hookups to “above board” hookups that has caused some tension or uncertainty for her. Sex within a defined relationship can feel really different than sex in a more clandestine arrangement. You could ask her if she has specific feelings about that and if there’s a way to cultivate a sense of secrecy and exploration that defined your sex together before within your new arrangement. Again, she might not have answers right away, but I think getting that conversation started would be a good step, especially if you’re feeling insecure or undesired. Both of your needs and desires are important here. It’s also possible that this exists entirely outside of your relationship; she could be discovering new aspects of her sexuality, especially if this is her first relationship.

To me, both of these things are true: 1. People’s sex drives can change for any number of reasons, at any time and 2. If sex is important to you, that’s valid, too! It’s all about balance, compromise, open communication, and making sure both of your needs are met. I know your mismatched desires are causing an uncomfortable incompatibility, but I don’t think it helps to pave over your own needs/wants on her behalf. Again, this does not mean you’re pressuring her. Saying sex is a priority for you is not inherently manipulative, especially if you approach the conversation from a place of wanting to really understand where she’s at. You can ask about the sex-adjacent things like making out, too. Is she comfortable with bringing that back into the relationship? What does and does not feel off limits to her right now?

The hardest part of this is having to accept that the conversation could lead to really tough choices and considerations. It’s possible you might have to redefine/restructure your relationship in some way that works for both of you. It’s also possible she really does just need some time. But you’re never going to know without asking open, honest questions or without talking about your own feelings about sex and intimacy in a relationship. Addressing all these things as early in a relationship as possible is really important and will make it easier to have tough conversations down the road. You are allowed to value your desire to have sex while respecting her lack of desire for sex right now — even if it means that your mis-matched needs might not be compatible longterm.

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You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

You Need Help: My Partner and I Aren’t Having Sex — How Can I Still Foster Intimacy?

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Q:

Hello! My partner and I have been together for 6 years. We started dating in uni and they’re my favorite person. About a year or two ago they started having some pretty serious mental health issues, and it heavily affected their libido, to the extent that we went from having sex quite regularly (a few times a week) to maybe once every four months or so. I’ve talked with them about their change in libido and they confirmed that it wasn’t unique to me — they went from having a healthy number of crushes on others to feeling very little at all beyond affection for anyone.

For the first year and change, I was totally fine — I’m busy enough and have enough in the way of toys and the like to take care of myself, but recently I’ve noticed myself becoming quite sad? Recently, they kissed me like they used to and I nearly started crying in our kitchen. I think I might miss the intimacy that comes with sex even if I’m ok without the act itself. I don’t want to ask them to do anything they don’t want to do, and I know it’s something they’re sensitive about so my question is: how do I talk about this with them? Do I talk about this with them? How does one foster the intimacy that comes with sex without having sex? We still cuddle a lot, and they give me plenty of chaste kisses and go on dates and all that jam — they really are my favorite person and I don’t want to impose myself or hurt them but I really do seem to be quite sad and I’d like to not be. Sorry if this is all a jumble, I’m not the greatest at articulating feelings or even questions.

A:

Don’t apologize! I think it’s hard for everyone to articulate feelings like this and to formulate questions about really big life things. Writing into advice columns is a really vulnerable process, and I think it’s hard to ask the “right” questions, because these things aren’t easy to package or explain to someone outside of yourself, outside of your relationship. This issue is complex; you love your partner. You’re also sad about something that has shifted. Both things are true.

Both of these things are true, too: Your partner is not a bad person for having a lower libido (something that’s obvious and I know you already know). But you are also not a bad person for feeling sad about this change. Both of these feelings and experiences are valid, but that’s what makes it all so hard.

Sometimes in long-term relationships, our needs shift and/or our capacity to fulfill someone’s needs shift. In this instance, your needs for sex remained the same, but your partner’s capacity to fulfill those needs shifted (and it sounds like some of their own needs shifted as well, if they used to desire more sex). I think it’s completely fair and reasonable to have this conversation, to acknowledge your sadness without making it be about failure or incompatibility. Your partner has done nothing wrong, and I think if you approach them with that acknowledgement upfront, you should be able to have an honest and meaningful conversation about your own sadness and how your needs are important.

Then, together, maybe you can figure out ways to address the shifts. I’m going to assume you’re not really interested in polyamory or some renegotiated relationship structure here as you didn’t really ask about it. It sounds instead like you’d like to get to a place of experiencing intimacy in your relationship with this person without sex. Is your partner open at all to sexting or sharing sexy photos with each other or does that also feel like something they’re not interested in right now? (Which is okay! I ask these questions just as jumping off points for you to discuss with each other about what does and does not feel comfortable or desirable right now.)

As a side note, if you ARE interested in reading more about polyamory, we have a ton of resources on the site. It can feel intimidating and scary to renegotiate the structure of your relationship, but it can sometimes be really great for couples who are experiencing mismatched sex drives — a problem I also want to assure you is quite common. I’ve even written about it before. If you were to decide on a nonmonogamy path or at least discussing it with your partner, it in no way would diminish what you have with your partner. Also, it’s possible that experiencing intimacy with someone else could actually help unlock new intimacy with your partner.

When they recently kissed you “like they used to,” did you have a conversation about what the kiss felt like for you? I don’t think it’s a bad thing to point out the moments when you do feel intimacy in a meaningful way. You can frame it as something that’s purely rooted in affirmation and appreciation and not pressure for more. Instead of saying something like “I wish you kissed me like that more often,” try “I really love how you just kissed me.” I do think it’s important to advocate for your wants and needs in a relationship; I also think it’s important to be kind and empathetic toward your partner’s capacity to fulfill those needs. I don’t think you’re imposing yourself by saying when you enjoy something, and I don’t think it would be imposing to ask your partner if they’re willing to try some things like sexting, talking about sex rather than having it, and maybe other things that constitute physical intimacy like taking showers or baths together, holding hands, and more cuddling.

You should not feel bad for feeling sad (and I fear that guilt over feeling sad could be deepening the sadness!). Even if you decide you can’t be in a relationship that doesn’t involve regular sex, that would not make you a bad person. But I really do sense you want to make things work with your partner, and I value that. Couples therapy, regular communication about the things you’d like to try out, and letting yourself feel your feelings authentically could all do a lot of work here. I think if you approach conversations with your partner less from a place of “this is what I miss” and more from a place of “this is what I would like to try in order to cultivate intimacy,” then it could be really productive and fruitful for your relationship. Because then it’s not about a lack but rather about possibility.

Good luck; I’m rooting for you. I think sometimes people jump to the conclusion that a relationship has to end when these things crop up, but I don’t always believe that, especially when folks really do want to make it work. Incompatibilities happen in relationships all the time and are navigable with work, communication, and a willingness to try or do new things. I hope your partner is open to at least talking about things.

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You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

You Need Help: Am I Her Best Friend or Am I Being Emotionally Manipulated?

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Q:

This is definitely a chaotic situation. I met a girl on a night out about 8 months ago, and we hooked up after some strong suggestion on her part. I am usually not a hookup person because I catch feels easily. After a few weeks of her saying first “let’s do it again” and later “she wasn’t ready for a serious relationship,” we settled into a friend pattern. We see each other all the time, both in groups and individually, as she’s started hanging out with people I know. Somewhere along the way, I caught heavy feels, but I also am trying to respect that she’s not in a place to seriously date, per that conversation we’ve had. I’ve tried to put up some solid boundaries in my behavior and expectations, but… We frequently spend all day and non-sexually all night together (the number of times I’ve ubered home when the sun is coming up…). She says that I am the person she trusts the most. A couple weeks ago, we hooked up again, which she initiated. She said some deeply wonderful things about a life with me, but then a few days later said again that she couldn’t do a serious relationship right now, and that she was scared of losing her best friend. About a week later, she started dating someone else (not particularly casually). I feel hurt, but am also cognizant of her telling me multiple times that she wasn’t ready for a relationship. We still also spend about 400% more time together than she does with her girlfriend. My friends are livid with her and insist I’m being manipulated and gaslighted. I’m confused and hurt and stuck. I know the answer is going to be me setting boundaries, and also I feel like I’m also at risk of losing a deep connection. Help?

A:

A chaotic situation indeed! But one I can also assure you is both common and, while challenging, ultimately manageable — even if it ends with you technically giving up some things that feel good.

I have to say that I’m not totally in agreement with your friends that there’s gaslighting happening here, at least from what I get in your letter. Perhaps bits are being left out! Manipulation, I can kind of see, but I don’t see it tilting all the way into gaslighting, and I actually don’t see her behaviors as outright nefarious either. It sounds to me like you two have very incompatible needs when it comes to intimacy and relationships — needs so incompatible that perhaps your entire viewpoints on what intimacy is could be quite different! The sex could mean something entirely different for her than it does for you.

Technically, it doesn’t really sound like she has lied to you. She has said repeatedly that she’s not ready for a relationship, and I know that her actions to you might not line up with that assertion, but I think you have to believe her when she says it. When she talked about envisioning a life with you, perhaps she meant a life that looks like this — a sort of nebulous friends who occasionally hook up situation while mostly sharing intense emotional intimacy in the form of late nights and deep talks. She spends more time with you than with her girlfriend, but sometimes those are just people’s priorities in life. It’s possible that she values friendship that sometimes skirts into sex more than she values more conventional romantic relationships. I know you write that her relationship with her girlfriend seems like the kind of serious relationship she told you she was avoiding, but it’s really difficult to know the actual contours of someone’s relationship structure when you’re not part of it.

I think you could ask her about a lot of this, especially since you two are so close. How does she define her relationship with you? How does she view intimacy? Do you know how she feels about monogamy/polyamory/etc? Is her situation with you the first time she has been in a situation like this? These conversations might be difficult to have, especially because you have to accept the outcome that the answers might not give you exactly what you want, but I do think it could lead to better understanding about what each of you want out of friendships and dating. This could help illuminate that you’re not the right fit for each other romantically, which I know would be heartbreaking, but it could at least lead to potential closure and allow you to figure out if you’d like to start a new friendship with stricter boundaries (like no sex) or take even more space from each other.

Again, I don’t have all the details! So if she was actually like “I can envision a life with you where we are in a serious relationship” and then afterward was like “jk,” then yes, that is a different story! But in that situation, I can’t say I’d recommend continuing to be friends with her, because that is indeed very unfair and manipulative!

You know you’re not a casual hookups person, and yet you have ended up in a no-strings-attached hookup situation with her and have caught feelings. That’s all fine and normal! Especially because you already knew this tendency about yourself. The exact thing you thought might happen happened. But by letting her call all the shots, you’re taking away some of your own agency. If you know hooking up will make you feel sad and stuck after, you should really consider that before it gets to that point again. I don’t think it’s healthy or worthwhile to keep doing the same things with her and expect her to change her mind about what she wants. She seems pretty consistent in what she wants, even if it’s a bit confusing on your end.

You already knew the answer was going to be setting more boundaries, and that is indeed the best advice I can give. But I think you can talk to her first and figure out what exactly she means about not wanting a serious relationship and not wanting to lose her best friend. But most of all, listen to what you want. And if it’s something she can’t provide, you have to restructure the way you approach the relationship in a way that honors your own needs and desires. If that means a bit of a friendship breakup, that’ll be sad of course. But it doesn’t have to be forever. And there are plenty of in-between options, too. Try only hanging out in groups to see how that goes. Limiting one-on-one time and those late nights together could allow you to realize you connect in other ways that don’t feel quite as intimate but are still meaningful connections.

This all sucks, and my heart is totally with you. Who amongst us hasn’t ended up in the murky waters of a hard-to-define friendship/something more than friendship? You’re not alone in this hurt. But I think a reframing from your friends’ perspective of this person is actively trying to hurt you to realizing you have different needs and views when it comes to intimacy could actually release you in a way. I’m wishing you the best!

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You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

18 Really F*cking Cute and Gay True Stories About How You Met Your Partner

In the year of our fickle goddess 2022, we undertook a massive Autostraddle Reader Survey, and out of that survey so much information and so many delightful anecdotes were shared with us, including the tidbits I shared in a list entitled “The 68 Absolutely Gayest Ways You Met Your Gay Partner(s).” But there were some stories about how you met your significant other(s) that were a little bit longer and a lot bit adorable, and today I am here to share some of those with you.

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“We met at an interview for art school nine years ago. She hated me immediately. She also had a boyfriend and identified as straight. Reader, I married her.”

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“We were friends and neighbors when we were little kids, but my family moved to a different part of town and we lost touch. In 2021, our parents ran into each other at Lowe’s and were basically like “Hey, my kid’s gay and mentally ill too!” I reached out on FB and we spent the next 6 months trying to figure out how to ask each other out. It finally happened over TikTok DMs.”

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“Returning home to Malaysia after 11 years of studying in the UK on a music scholarship, I got my first job at a local music school. She was already a seasoned veteran working there. It’s common for kids at this school to pick up 2 instruments, so we shared students — she teaches the violin, and I teach the piano + theory/music history classes. On first impressions, I thought she was too cool for school, she thought I was a prat. We became friends after she realised I was not actually 100% a prat (most of the time), and due to our shared ‘custody’ of school kids, we had to communicate quite a bit. Then one day she opened up about knowing queer people and having had almost-queer relationships with people in her past (I was vocal from day 1 about being queer), and then I knew I may have had a shot (useless gay here, gaydar broken when applied to self). In the middle of the convo, she put her hand on my knee as comfortably as if she’d known me forever, and the furiously quick retraction of her hand a milisecond later was enough for the friendship to move silently into potential ‘what if’ territory. A ‘climbing date’ later (story for another time) and the rest is history – we’ve been together 6 years now.”

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“I went to a swing dance in Moscow, ID, and saw her on at the outskirts of the dance floor. I asked her to dance, she said yes, I complimented her on her turtleneck, that led to a whole conversation about how turtlenecks are underrated, and over ten years later, here we are!”

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“We went to high school together and were loosely friends at the time. I went to her 16th birthday party and made a card using rainbow duct tape. We also did a group project together that involved a fictional backpacking trip to the Pacific Northwest. Anyway, we both moved away to college to the same state and didn’t talk for seven years until we reconnected on tinder just before the entire world fell apart. Then we U-Hauled because I was supposed to be in Peru and had no job and no place to live. It’s all worked out great! ”

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“Working at the library. I noticed how great her butt looked in her work pants and then spent the next year getting her to notice me by doing silly stuff like having her race me to put a cart of dvds away and making themes our all of the cds that showed on the front of the display.”

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“Her roommate moved out. I was looking for a place to live at the same time. Met on SpareRoom. I moved in. We had a “Will they, Won’t they” thing for about 3 months til we got drunk one night and admitted we had feelings for each other. Been together 3 years now.”

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“We first met at university where she worked and did her PhD and I studied and worked as a TA. But I was in a relationship at the time and we didn’t really get to know each other.Later we met in the German queer literature studies bubble on Twitter. (I swear that bubble is better than any dating app!) I instantly liked her a lot and after a while we met up in person. I developed a huuuge crush on her and kept asking myself whether or not she liked me back romantically (it may or may not have been obvious to the normal observer that the attraction was mutual but the more I like someone the less I trust my gut). Eventually I wrote her a postcard and told her about my feelings. She felt the same. That was about a year ago and I’ve never been so happy.”

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“I was 23, depressed and sitting in a park near my apartment. A stranger stopped to see if I was okay. She got my number and checked in on me every day. We became friends, then romantic partners after six months. We’ve now been together for 8 1/2 years. ”

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“We met while working together at Disneyland together about 10 years ago when we were 19! We went on a date after flirting during some shifts. After a few weeks of dates we made things more official. Then I invited her over one night to stay the night because she had gotten into a fight with her family and they didn’t want her staying there that night so she came and basically never left but at that point we were already falling in love. We traveled the world together and keep building our lives together now. We got married about 6 years into our relationship and have been married now for 4 years. We are still very much in love and I couldn’t imagine my life without her. I still find myself looking at her and thinking how lucky I am and how beautiful she is. I still cant enough of her kisses. We are currently starting to plan out having a baby! Somehow forever doesn’t seem long enough with her.”

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“At a pro-queer university Christian club, this was the late 90’s, I was the one asking what everyone’s sexual orientation was so I could figure out who the very attractive new member was. And reader, I married her!”

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“We met at science camp as teenagers and were super into each other but went back to our lives on opposite sides of the planet, I continued to nurse my crush through 12 years and their transition and then we matched on tinder and now we’re dating and it’s the best.”

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“She was a pirate on stage, I was backstage crew. We hooked up after the last night, had an LDR for one year before she moved to England to be with me. Five years later she was directing and I was stage managing so I managed an onstage proposal in the same theatre where we met in Belgium. ”

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“Back in the 90s there was a website hosted out of Germany called “Dykes World.” They had a moderated/safe message board for queer women under 21. My current spouse accidentally clicked on my profile and waited ages (it was during the days of dialup) for it to load – worried that their grandparents would walk in any moment and catch them on a queer website. To their surprise, I lived in the same US state – less than 2 hours away from them. They reached out in friendship with corny jokes that were adorable. After awhile as penpals, we met in person. I fed them and they never left 😂”

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“We sat next to each other in class freshman year of high school, which was TWENTY-FIVE YEARS AGO.”

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“My former partner hosted a Lex meetup in our neighborhood. I’m not on Lex. The person I’m dating now is also not on Lex, but their best friend brought them along. So we initially met at a Lex gathering even though neither of us are on it. A few months later she recognized me at the cafe she was working at, and gave me her number, and we started hanging out! She gave me Covid on our first kiss (truly tragic even though it was a great kiss) and now we both have debilitating Long Covid symptoms. We have been navigating a lot of care together! What is sweeter than weekly dates to the community acupuncture place? A nice queer love story.”

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“We were high school best friends. I moved away for college. She stayed in our small Midwest town. We stayed friends through college. Came out to each other during that time. After college she moved up to work with me in the tourist town I lived in. Two weeks later we were in bed together and professing our love to each other. Nearly 30 years later we are still together. ”

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“We have been best friends since 8th grade (20 years). About 2 years ago we discovered that there were more feelings beneath the surface that never use to be there. Got lucky to have my best friend as my partner.”

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“We met in high school at a nerdy, extracurricular banquet. Our parents recognized one another from decades prior so we sat together. We like to say that our parents introduced us.”

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“We were friends for three years! We met at a party in my first year of grad school, and she offered me chickpeas she roasted herself. I thought, “oh she’s gay”, but then a mutual friend told me she wasn’t and she also started dating a male friend of ours. I dropped the thought and was happy to be friends with such a kind and cool person. The whole time they were dating, she slowly came to realize that she had feelings for me. I was, of course, oblivious — both to how she felt and how I did. When they broke up, we started spending a lot more time together — I’d drive two hours every weekend just to hang out and she’d spend a ridiculous amount of money that she didn’t have to come to me. That whole time, we circled around each other. I’d realized I was interested in her, but she was steadfast that we were just friends (while laying on top of me at every given opportunity, bless her). She started going to therapy to work on accepting how she felt about me, which is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. I knew we were going to date the moment she held my hand in the mall, and I’ve never been so sure of anything or anyone in my entire life. I know her like I know myself. She needed time and I was happy to give it to her, always saying, “You ready to admit we’re dating yet?” She’d always giggle. When I was in a car accident, it was the trigger for both of us. She was the first person I called after 911 and the only person I wanted to talk to, and she realized very suddenly that she loved me and could have lost me. When we were finally able to see each other again after, we went on our first actual date and talked. And she finally said that, yes, she was ready to admit we were dating, and had been for a while. It’s been 6 months so far, we’re slightly less long distance than before, and I’m so in love with my best friend that it’s crazy. I’m so happy to call her my girlfriend. I’ve never felt more loved or known in my entire life.”

7 Signs It’s Time for Couples Therapy, According to a Queer Relationship Therapist

You don’t need a relationship therapist for everything, but when you and your partner are struggling to communicate, a couples therapist can give you some much-needed tools. Of course, it can be hard to know if and when seeking couples therapy is the right move — especially for queer couples. Since LGBTQ+ people have historically been underrepresented in science, literature, and media, it can be difficult for queer couples to know if they’re experiencing normal relationship stress or something bigger.

Throughout my years working as a sex and relationship therapist, I’ve pinpointed signs that you and your partner might need help from a professional. Here are seven signs that it might be time for couples therapy.

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1. You’re stuck in an “infinity fight.”

Fighting with your partner isn’t always a bad thing. We all communicate differently, and for many of us, a heated (but respectful) argument is the easiest path toward conflict resolution. That said, it isn’t healthy to fight every day — especially when that fight is always about the same thing. If you and your partner fight about the same issue every time it pops up and nothing seems to change afterwards, you’re in what I call an “infinity fight.”

You could be fighting about anything — friends, family, sex, chores — but if it’s not getting better, then it’s probably just getting worse. It’s okay if you two can’t work it out on your own. That’s what therapy is for!

2. You think there’s room for improvement, but you don’t know where to start.

Couples therapy isn’t only for partners who are at their wits’ end. If you see a problem forming and want to get ahead of it, couples therapy might be right for your relationship.

In many cases, counseling is even more effective if you do it before the tears are flowing and tempers are running hot. There are a million different ways that two people can spark conflict with each other — and there’s no rule book that can tell you how to fix them all — so there’s no shame in seeking professional advice.

3. Being with your partner feels like a chore.

This is one of the saddest things I see as a therapist. Two people are madly in love, but unresolved gripes, conflicts, or complaints suck the life out of them over time.

If it feels like being with your partner is a chore — i.e., you’d rather capitulate than argue with them, their requests always feel like a burden, you try to avoid emotional or physical connection, etc. — then something is clearly wrong.

Likewise, if you feel like your partner is treating you that way no matter what you do, then it’s time to call in some assistance. Couples therapy can help you uncover the origin of those feelings and guide you back to a healthy and happy relationship.

4. Your sex life is struggling.

I often struggle to get clients to open up about sex. Whether they’re unsatisfied, afraid to express their desires, or experiencing shifts in libido, the last thing they want to do is talk to their partner about it.

They might be scared of hurting each other’s feelings or just flat-out uncomfortable talking about sex, so they wait to address it until they can hardly tolerate sex. In other cases, they may have perfect sexual communication but still feel unable to improve. A therapist can help you find out why you’re sexually unsatisfied and get back to sexual bliss with your partner.

5. You have trust issues.

I can tell you right now that a lack of trust will lead to bigger and badder problems in no time. It could be that you’ve been hurt before and feel suspicious, or it could be that your partner’s words or actions are inconsiderate.

We all want to know the truth and we all want to be able to trust our loved ones, but it’s rarely that simple. A therapist can help both of you communicate more honestly with each other. They can also help you find out if that mistrust is coming from you, your partner, or both.

6. You and/or your partner are working through trauma.

I know it feels obvious to seek professional help after experiencing trauma, but few people think to involve their partners in that work. If you’ve been through trauma together, such as a car accident or loss of a child, then you need to heal together.

If one of you has been through something traumatic, it’s normal for the other partner to want to help — even if they don’t know how. It’s natural for all of us to want to be there for those we love. A therapist can help you heal, but they can also teach your partner how to be there for you and vice versa.

7. You and your partner have fundamental differences.

We may not mind our partner’s differences at first. That difference could be a hobby, a political view, religious difference, or any other value or interest you don’t share.

Over time, these differences can turn into points of contention, resentment, or arguments. You probably can’t change that aspect of them, but a therapist can help you both move forward in a healthy way.

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Remember: Couples therapy isn’t a last resort.

As the stigma surrounding mental health fades away, therapy is becoming more and more common. You don’t have to wait for an extreme problem to try it. Try a few therapists and see what feels right. Hopefully, you and your partner will start a journey towards a better, stronger relationship. That said, therapy isn’t a fix-all solution for every problem. Sometimes two people simply aren’t compatible — and that’s okay! Therapy can help you discover what steps to take for a healthier life, whether that’s together or apart.

You Need Help: How Can I Make Long Distance More Bearable?

Q:

How can I make long distance more bearable? I physically ache whenever we have to part ways and it makes me so sad.

A:

Oh, friend, I can relate so much! Every long-term relationship I’ve ever been in started long distance or had a long period of long distance at some point, including my current relationship with my fiancé, which was long distance for the first year-ish. When I first started dating Kristen, she lived in Orlando, and I lived in New York. We were lucky in how often we go to see each other, because I had a flexible work-from-home schedule and she was traveling a lot for her first book tour, but still when we parted, I could sometimes become physically ill the way you’re describing! I distinctly remember one time in New York when it was our last day together. I took her to a pizza place I love and knew she would enjoy. But I could barely eat anything, because my stomach was in knots. Then, I started feeling doubly worse: I was frustrated by my inability to enjoy this moment with her and the way I was fixating on our impending separation. All I wanted was to eat really good pizza with my love, but all I could think about was how soon she’d be getting on a plane to return to the place she called home, a place that, at the time, I didn’t belong to.

I wish I could go back in time and tell myself the thing I’m now going to tell you: Yes, there are things you can do to help mitigate the tumultuous nature of long distance and the pain you feel when you have to be apart, but you also do have to accept that discomfort as part of your relationship. There isn’t some magic cure-all solution; long distance is hard! It’s going to be hard. But I wish I had just eaten that pizza while sad and allowed myself space for that sadness without it spiraling into some larger feeling of frustration at myself and extreme anxiety. Goodbyes are always going to be sad. You can’t let that sadness stop you from living your life — both with your partner in these goodbye moments but also once your partner is gone.

Here are the things I find help: Trying as much as possible to know when the next time you’re going to see each other is before you part ways. This isn’t always possible, depending on finances, work schedules, life in general. But the times when I knew as we were saying goodbye when we would be reunited were always a bit easier! Because then there’s this really clear expectation of “we’ll see each other in three weeks!” vs. some nebulous blob of time apart. I also find that the ways you spend your time when you are together can deeply inform how you feel when you’re apart. I find there’s a tendency in LDRs to spend your time together in one of two ways: either one-on-one and holed up having sex the whole time or trying to do one million social activities out and about together so you can maximize time with your partner and friends, which is something we don’t always get to do in LDRs. I think it’s best to try to find a balance between the two during your time together. Don’t overload your schedule with activities and outings; allow plenty of time for true rest, spontaneity, and intimate time together. But also, do spend time in groups and with friends together instead of only one-on-one time. Find a balance between scheduling things and leaving things more open; my favorite moments when Kristen and I were long distance were the ones that felt unexpected and adventurous, like we were exploring a place together.

I also know there’s a tendency to ignore conflict in LDRs when you’re together, because you’re trying to make sure that time together is “perfect.” But if you ignore conflicts when they come up, then you run the risk of letting those feelings grow and then burst to the surface unproductively when you’re apart and it’s more difficult to communicate. You also run the risk of overly romanticizing your relationship, which also heightens those feelings of separation when you have to say goodbye. People in LDRs should deal with conflict as it comes up the same way people in non-distance relationships do, even if it means cutting into your precious time together.

When you’re apart, see friends. Don’t isolate. Have built-in, scheduled time to catch up with each other and expectations and boundaries around that. Part of what primed me for dating long-distance was that I’ve always had very close long-distance friendships (due to being a Tumblr Gay for the first two-thirds of my life). So I’m very used to texting a LOT and still do these days because all of my best friends are long distance again. In an LDR, it can feel like your phone is a direct extension of your heart. Some people might give you a hard time for being on your phone too much (my mother always did when she was with me during my period of long distance with Kristen). Here’s the thing: Those people are kinda right, but they’re not saying it the right way, and they’re not telling you the things you actually do need to hear. It’s okay to be attached to your phone when you’re long distance. But you also don’t need to be “on call” in your relationship at all times. If you have those designated times to catch up and connect with each other, in the hours leading up to and immediately after those times, take a break from your phone if you can. Your heart is always gonna be in two places, but you still have to learn how to be a present as possible and show up for yourself and others when your partner isn’t around. I think people assume co-dependency relies on physical closeness, but co-dependency can super easily form in a long-distance relationship, especially if you’re too removed from your own life when you’re apart. In a regular relationship, people take “breaks” from each other to do their own things, socialize with separate friends, etc. Paradoxically, it sometimes feels like you’re never taking time to yourself in a long-distance relationship, because your longing is always there, and because you don’t want to be by yourself; you want your love with you.

Don’t be hard on yourself for being on your phone a lot but also take breaks, remind yourself that meaningful connection doesn’t have to mean constant connection. Plan long-distance FaceTime dates with each other and then when those are over, spend genuine time “apart” by doing something like meeting up with friends or watching a movie on your own and not really being on your phone. I do find that being more intentional about the ways you spend your time together and the ways you spend your time apart can really help with the feelings of sadness during goodbyes. But also just know you’re probably going to be some level of sad no matter what. And that’s okay. Eat the pizza, be sad, but be present.

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You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

Dykes on Dates: A Chill, Food-Filled Day on the Upper West Side

Welcome to Dykes on Dates, the series in which I, Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya, usually tell you about the dates I go on with my fiancé Kristen. Well, Kristen has been out of town for two weeks, so I haven’t really been on any dates! Instead, I thought it’d be fun to have a guest spot this week. Here’s Anya Richkind with a rundown of a recent date she went on with her girlfriend Jess! Enjoy!

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My favorite thing about living in New York City is that after almost seven years of living here (?!??), it still feels endlessly explorable. When Kayla asked me to write an edition of Dykes on Dates (an HONOR!), I thought about the kinds of dates Jess and I go on, and they have a commonality — we love to explore The Big Apple. Jess has lived in NYC for even longer than I have, and we’ve been exploring this strange, gorgeous city together for almost six years. And I still love it every time.

One thing about Jess is that she has an intrinsic gift for transforming a moment of joy into a whole Experience of Joy. She’s basically the “yes and” of joy. If you’re throwing a party, she’s the one who will show up with hand-made decorations and a cake she decided to bake that morning. If you’re a Eurovision fan, she’s the one who will insist you make a scorecard to score each performance to make your own Top Ten (I actually witnessed this happening last week). If she’s craving Sonic’s Ocean Water, she’s gonna look up how to make it online, get all the stuff from the bodega, and actually make it — blue food coloring and all.

So when we explore a neighborhood, you can be sure we’re not just going to one place. That would be just a moment of joy. But with Jess, it’ll be an Experience.

Welcome to my edition of Dykes on Dates: The Upper West Side Experience.

It starts how it always starts: with a very long ride on the subway.

We live in Brooklyn, so going to the Upper West Side means taking the F to the B for about an hour. But even taking the subway can be part of the date! We shared our headphones (I have a soft spot for that) and listened to Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me because we have become NPR girlies, as well as fun bops, because I literally know nothing about pop culture and Jess is always teaching me about new music. Isn’t it amazing to sit in a metal canister being slingshotted through space, discovering a song you’ve never heard before?

Eat breakfast at Jacob’s Pickles.

Once we finally completed our subway journey, we arrived at the first destination: Jacob’s Pickles. Is this place pricy? Yes. But is the food absolutely amazing? Yes. Also, the portions are quite large, so if you’re trying to be a little more spend-thrift, you could probably get away with splitting a dish!

I’m certainly not a biscuit expert, but in my HUMBLE OPINION, the biscuits here are absolutely amazing. After much debate, we BOTH decided to get the sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit sandwich. (We considered what I was raised to call a “splitsy-splitsy” situation for a while, but honesty is important, and we both had to admit that we really just wanted the same dishes. And we had to accept that.) We also got a side of pickles because you can’t go to Jacob’s Pickles and NOT get pickles!!!

One other thing to share is that we did NOT have a reservation — very brave in NYC! On a Saturday morning! With great weather! However, we waltzed in at 10:30 AM, fully expecting to be told we’d have to wait an hour, and they sat us RIGHT AWAY! A pickled miracle.

Explore the museum that is Zabar’s.

After breakfast, we walked over to Zabar’s, which I can only describe as a famous Jewish grocery store that feels like it still has one foot in the 1940s (I feel like it’s in Marvelous Mrs. Maisel a lot). You don’t even need to buy anything there — it’s truly a trip just to walk through.

Despite what I said about not needing to buy anything, Jess did buy this hat. Can you blame her??

Explore the actual museum that is the American Museum of Natural History.

From Zabar’s, we walked over to the American Museum of Natural History (AMNH) — all of these things are within a 10-blockish radius of each other! Because Jess is a public preschool teacher, we have a “Cool Culture” pass (you just gotta love that name), so we were able to get into the museum for free. We did have to wait in a line we lovingly, tenderly referred to as the Ninth Circle of Hell, because the museum only had two people checking folks in, and some folks buying tickets were perhaps discussing the degree to which living ethically under capitalism is possible or not because they were up there for a WHILE, so the line — full of hangry children, exasperated adults, and a whole lotta tourists — was… an experience. But eventually we made it through, and it was all worth it!

Our first stop was the Bernard Family Hall of North American Animals — we’ve both been there before, but it’s a treat every time. To be honest, as a lover and maker of theater, my favorite thing about this is how theatrical it feels. You see each of these animals not just in a regular moment, but in a critical moment — the Bighorn Sheep glancing up like they just heard a strange sound; one Alaskan Moose charging the other. The stories tell themselves.

My favorite exhibit of all of these is unquestionably the wolves — they’re in a mini-room of their own, lights dimmed so you really feel like it’s nighttime and you’re scouring Gunflint Lake for prey. It’s easy to forget the pair of wolves are frozen in time — they look like they’re running right toward you.

Going to the museum as an adult, I thought about things I didn’t consider as a kid. Jess and I talked about the ethics of this kind of conservation — we learned about so many plants and animals we’d never seen by viewing them at the museum, but of course, we’re not really seeing them. It is, indeed, theater of sorts. But if this is theater, are the taxidermied animals the characters, or are we — the ones falling for the facsimiles — the characters? We wondered.

Make sure to make time for the whale.

If you’ve never been to the AMNH before, let me tell you about the whale. In the Milstein Hall of Ocean Life, on the second floor, there is this huge, blue orca whale affixed to the ceiling. So it looms over the first floor of the hall, like it’s swimming through unseen water.

Beneath the whale, there is a large mat — big enough for maybe 50 people (or more? I’m awful at estimating these kinds of things) to sit on. I hadn’t noticed it before, but Jess insisted we go down there and lay down, like other folks were doing. We laid down on the mat and stared up at the whale, and I knew right away that this was my favorite part of the day. I felt so calm. The belly of the whale was so huge. The body of the whale was so blue. I was a little kid again, marveling at the grandeur of the world and the smallness of myself. But I was an adult, too, holding hands with the woman I love.

If you go to the AMNH, don’t skip the whale.

Go eat more snacks and hang out in Central Park!

After the museum, we were hungry again so we got cookies and also froyo because if it’s above like 65 degrees, we’re getting some version of ice cream. Then we walked to Central Park, laid down our blanket (I told you, the Jess Experience is gonna have a lot of parts to it!!), and listened to this honestly amazing street performer playing Beatles songs at the John Lennon Memorial. I fell asleep, as I am wont to do in almost any setting where falling asleep is remotely possible. When I woke up, we decided it was time to head back to Brooklyn because, let’s be honest, we missed our cats.

Go home.

The day ended the same way it began: sitting on the subway, sharing headphones, drifting asleep and drifting through space.

Dykes on Dates: Tender Pork Tacos That Are Too Good To Be True

Welcome to Dykes on Dates, my column all about how I’m making the time and space to still go on dates with my fiancé Kristen 4+ years into our relationship. Kristen just left for a three-week writing residency, which means there aren’t any date nights in my near future unless I decide to take myself on some solo ones. So instead of this column ending with a missive about a specific day/night out with Kristen, I’m just sticking to the basics this week and just menu planning a date for you. This is my foolproof carnitas tacos recipe that I like for date night because the slow-cooked pork is damn impressive enough to make someone fall in love with you all over again, the various customizable toppings make the meal interactive, and it’s extremely easy to pack this meal up and take it to the park. As we know, I love a good romantic picnic!

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The Date: Pork Taco Night

Cost

Depending on how many ingredients you already have on hand, the specific variations to the recipe, and grocery prices where you live, this recipe can run you anywhere from $25 to closer to $75 BUT it makes enough carnitas filling for many meals. I usually freeze the bulk of my slow-cooked pork, which means future taco date nights!

Notes on Cost and Planning

This date night meal is geared toward folks who like to cook, and as I’m not a professional recipe developer and tend to have a loosey goosey approach to explaining how to make something (with very few concrete measurements), it also might require some intermediate kitchen skills so you know how to adjust the recipe to suit your desires. If you do want to follow a more precise recipe, I recommend the Instant Pot Bon Appetit recipe or, for something a little different, the Korean-inspired take from the NYT.

All that said, a cheap and easy alternative approach to this date night meal that doesn’t compromise flavor is to buy the “fully cooked carnitas” package from Trader Joe’s and just prep your own additional toppings. On a similar note, the brand Barvecue makes a frozen carnitas alternative that’s vegan, and shredded jackfruit can also be used as a vegan alt, but you’ll have to look up your own recipe as I’ve never tried it!

The Pork

So the first step is to find your cut of pork. The whole reason I did carnitas date night in the first place was because I found an incredible deal on a MASSIVE piece of pork butt at Publix. I got a giant piece for under $10. These cuts of pork often go on sale but in general are rarely expensive. What you’re looking for is any of the following (some of these are just different names for the same thing):

• picnic roast
• pork shoulder
• pork butt
• boston butt

Something in the three pound range is gonna yield enough pork for like 25+ tacos. So again, this is a date night meal plan with intentional leftovers. This taco date is the gift that keeps on giving.

The thing I do differently than most recipes out there (and perhaps a professional chef will yell at me for this idk!) is not actually cut the slab of pork before I throw it in my Instant Pot. Most recipes will have you cut it into 2-3 inch chunky cubes. You def can! But sometimes, just for practical reasons, I’m cooking these from frozen, because I usually will buy the pork butt when it’s on sale but then not necessarily use it right away.

Cooking from frozen is also why I usually use the Instant Pot. You don’t have to pressure cook your pork to follow my recipe! You can use the Instant Pot on the slow cooker setting (which is what I do when I’m cooking from a NOT frozen piece of pork) or by using a sturdy enameled dutch oven or, even better, a cast iron one.

Most carnitas recipes out there keep things extremely simple when it comes to your additional things that you slow-roast the pork with. There’s usually acid, spice, garlic, and basic seasonings. Here’s what I personally like to add to the pot with the pork:

• the juice of an entire orange and a bit of orange zest
• lime zest
• a ton of whole garlic cloves that have been smashed with my mortar and pestle
• a large onion, quartered
• whole cloves that I also crush by hand with the mortar and pestle
• ground cumin
• two whole cinnamon sticks
• whole tomatillos
• an entire dried guajillo chili (just thrown in whole, not cut)
• gochugaru flakes (you can use red pepper flakes, but I like the nuanced flavor of the gochugaru)
• cured sumac
• a stalk of lemongrass (or a dash of powdered lemongrass)
• lemongrass
• salt & pepper sure, but I also like to use an umami seasoning blend, like the Bon App x Burlap and Barrel one literally called “the umami blend” or the mushroom variation from Trader Joe’s
• sometimes, if I have one, I’ll throw in a little bonus ingredient, which is a splash of Modelo Negra

Cover your concoction with water. If pressure cooking, go with about 30 minutes on high pressure (an hour if cooking from frozen). If slow-cooking, bring to a boil, reduce to a simmer, and simmer for at least two hours. If slow-cooking, water will evaporate, so just make sure to add some to keep the meat covered at all times.

Once the pork is ultra tender, use a slotted spoon to move it to a bowl. Discard any ingredients you don’t want in your final product, like any whole peppers, large pieces of onion, tomatillo skins, cinnamon sticks, etc. I usually leave in the garlic, because by now it’s almost a smushy paste. Wait for it to cool and then shred with your hands. It should pull apart nice n easy.

This is when I usually pop the majority of the pork into freezer-safe containers and label them with the date, to be used later, reserving just enough for date night.

Right before serving dinner, I spread the shredded pork onto a foil-lined small baking sheet and put it under the broiler on high heat. This makes some parts crispy. Once it’s crisped to my desired level, I use tongs to move the meat into a nice large serving bowl.

The Toppings

There’s probably a joke in here about being a bottom, but genuinely a lot of my favorite date night dinners involve, well, toppings. This is why I’ve also delved into the joys of at-home pizza-making in this column! I think tacos function in a similar way, where there’s almost an activity built into the meal. It also makes it easier for when you and your date have different flavor preferences, spice thresholds, dietary restrictions, etc. I like to use small colorful bowls to present toppings and have recently been obsessed with the tiny golden shovel scoops I was gifted that have proven to be a great little touch to meals that hinge on toppings or condiments.

When it comes to carnitas, a lot of people like to keep things very simple, because the pork is so flavorful on its own that you want it to the star. You’ll want to use small corn tortillas for these, which you can make if you have a tortilla press or buy from the grocery store. Common toppings include chopped cilantro, chopped white onion, and a squeeze of lime juice. Maybe a pico de gallo. I, however, do like to offer an array of toppings so I can play around with a bunch of different combinations (though the first and last tacos I tend to eat are usually just the most simplest).

And here’s where I really show off: I make my own cheese. Cheese isn’t super traditional for carnitas, and regular shredded cheese doesn’t really go with them (but also, You Do You, toppings can be whatever you want em to be!). But homemade cheese is a date nigh showstopper. While the pork is taking its sweet ol’ time, I make a soft, crumbly white cheese. I’ve been doing this for years, so I don’t really use a recipe, but I first learned to make cheese by learning to make paneer, using this Aarti Sequeira recipe that I find super approachable. But when it comes to making the sort of soft white cheese that I use for tacos, I basically just stop after step four in that recipe. Sometimes, I’ll let it drain a little longer or even pop it in the fridge if I want it to firm up slightly, but I don’t turn it all the way into cubes of paneer, leaving it looser.

Here are the toppings I usually have in little bowls for most taco nights in general, whether I’m doing pork or a different style:

• my homemade cheese
• lime wedges
• finely chopped white onion
• a spicy pico (I make it myself if I have time or just buy a fresh version from the deli section of a grocery store)
• hand torn cilantro
• quick pickled red onion slices
• avocado
• chopped serrano peppers (preferred) or jalapeños (if that’s what I have on hand)
• El Yucateco habanero (just because it’s my fav hot sauce and I tend to put it on everything)

If you’re planning on doing this date on a picnic, just load all your component into sealable tupperware containers and make sure you have plenty of napkins!

Drink Pairing

The thing about a date night meal that requires this much prep is that it should also come with a drink pairing. Honestly, a crisp light beer goes great with this, but a dry cider or a tart sour would also do the trick. If you do want to do a cocktail moment, I think a bee’s knees but sub spicy honey for regular honey is fun. And for a nonalcoholic pairing, the lemon & ginger juice seltzer from Trader Joe’s is the move.

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Dykes on Dates is a series by Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya chronicling dates with her fiancé Kristen and offering ideas, tips, and tricks for stoking the flames of romance.

Dykes on Dates: Here’s a Picnic Menu That Feels Fancy but Is Cheap and Easy

Welcome to Dykes on Dates, the series where I give you tips for date nights and day dates with a focus on long-term relationships. Last week, I broke form a little bit with a mini essay on family, marriage, and examining my parents’ relationship from the vantage point of my own. This week, I’m back to basics! The first half of the piece will be a guide to a great picnic date — complete with a menu planned by moi — and then second half is my little missive on how my version of this date went, which this week features HIJINKS.

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The Date: Elegant Tiny Sandwich Picnic

Cost

So technically, this date was “free” for us, because I only used ingredients and things we already own! The menu I’ve designed below is geared toward items I usually already have in my fridge and can be modified based on what you usually have on hand. Even if you do need to buy some ingredients, it’d be easy to keep this date under $30 if you’re not buying alcohol.

Supplies

It’s also possible you might need to buy some picnic supplies if you don’t already own them, but the good news about my recommended supplies is that they can all also be used for future picnics! I recently wrote a comprehensive list of picnic gear for you to check out, but here are what I’d consider the true essentials for the menu/vibe of this particular picnic:

• Plastic wine glasses (which can also be used for seltzer!)
• Assorted bowls with lids (or just Tupperware, but I’m obsessed with the linked Target nesting bowls and use them constantly)
• A cooler backpack (the linked one is the one I actually own, and it’s pricey but durable and great for beach trips, too!)
• A blanket (you can use one you already own so long as you’re fine with it being outside, and I recommend something thick so grass doesn’t poke through too much)
• A tray (Rifle Paper Co. has some really cute ones, and they often go on sale! I’ve also had luck at IKEA with cheap, colorful trays, but you can also just use a cutting board that you already own)
• Things you probably already own, like napkins, utensils, water bottles filled with water, plates and bowls

The Menu

For this particular picnic, I wanted the menu to be springy, have almost an afternoon high tea vibe, but also be relatively simple/no-cook! Along those lines and because I had a box of tomatoes on hand, I decided to go with gazpacho, assorted mini sandwiches a super simple salad, and some bonus snacks.

The Gazpacho
Ashni wrote a really great simple guide to gazpacho during tomato season! It’s true that making gazpacho can easily be done without precise measurements or the same ingredients every time. You basically need tomatoes, an allium, an oil, and a bit of vinegar! I made mine with cherry tomatoes (not ideal, but it’s what I had), a few garlic cloves, celery sticks I had leftover from my bloody mary bar at Easter, green onions, a fancy pepperonici-garlic olive oil I’m obsessed with, and a dash of citrus vinegar. Throw everything in a blender and blitz it! Too chunky? Add more oil and perhaps even a bit of water. Some people like to throw a slice of stale bread in to blitz, too, which I did along with a shake of some red pepper flakes for spice.

The Mini Sandwiches
I made three kinds of mini sandwiches:

• BLTs with leftover bacon I had in the fridge (also from the blood mary bar).
• Egg salad sandwiches made with perfectly hardboiled eggs, dijon mustard, the Trader Joe’s bomba I’m obsessed with, and salt — that’s right, a no mayo egg salad! I love mayo, but I wanted to experiment with making an egg salad without it. If you hardboil the eggs to be somewhere between medium and hard, they maintain a lot of creaminess, and mixed with a grey poupon dijon and some of the oil from the peppers, the salad achieved a creamy, fatty texture without mayo.
• Tuna sandwiches made with a packet of the Thai chili flavored tuna by Starkist, fresh dill, mayo, and mustard.

My process for making mini sandwiches is to make them on two full slices of bread and then cut them into fourths. I used just a plain loaf of country white bread since that was what I had, but these would be really good on shokupan.

Super Simple Salad
My super simple salad was made with just spinach, sliced cherry tomatoes, grated semi-soft goat cheese (like a drunken goat), and a dressing I made with olive oil, citrus vinegar, and salt. A dash of cracked black pepper to finish if off, and that’s it!

Bonus Snacks
To round out the menu, I wanted to include a few grab-and-go snacks. I went with the corn chips from Trader Joe’s (they are somehow even better than Frito’s) and the TJ’s caramelized onion dip as well as the “soft and juicy mango” (which is, it should be noted, one of Kristen’s nicknames for me) — also from, you guessed it, Trader Joe’s! Truly, no one does snacks better.

The gazpacho, mini sandwiches, and goat cheesy salad — along with the bottle of orange pet nat we grabbed — give an overall sense of extravagance despite being deceptively simple and cheap. I had everything I needed already, and I never had to turn on the oven or stove to prep! (I used my electric egg cooker for the egg salad and highly recommend it to anyone who consumes a large amount of boiled eggs.) And then the bonus corn chip snack rounded this menu out into the perfect balance of high brow/low brow I love to live in.

Alternative Mini Sandwich Ideas for Vegetarians
I don’t want too many folks to feel left out by this menu I planned, so I threw together some quick combinations that I think would make for good veg options, with a couple at the end that also work for vegans:

• Sliced radish + salted butter
• A fruity jam + goat cheese
• Sliced cucumber + cream cheese
• Sliced peaches + brie
• Mashed chickpeas + sliced red onion
• Sliced tomato + salt + vinaigrette

Now that I’ve told you how to execute this very lovely picnic menu, let me tell you how I fucked it up.

I forgot the gazpacho.

Like, the whole point of gazpacho is that it’s relatively easy and quick to make. So long as you’ve got a powerful enough blender, you barely need to chop. Nothing gets cooked. It’s basically a blend, taste, add, blend, chill type of deal. I placed my little covered bowl of gazpacho in the fridge and started prepping my mini sandwiches and gathering my picnic supplies.

When it came time to pack our bags and head out for our picnic at a gorgeous park about a fifteen minute walk from our place, I made sure I had a spoon for us to share packed in the little bag of utensils I was bringing. I scooped a dollop of sour cream into a small Tupperware container, because I knew Kristen would want some with the soup.

We walked to our picnic spot, the weather incredible, much cooler than it usually is by now in central Florida but still with a bright, skin-warming sun shining on us as it made its descent. I’d thought of so many things: the fancy wine chiller Kristen got me as a gift, extra napkins, not only the mini container of sour cream but also a tiny golden spoon in the shape of a shovel for it.

It wasn’t until we’d picked our picnic spot (one mostly shaded but still with a little patchwork of sunlight), laid out our blanket, and I started arranging the mini sandwiches onto their special tray that I realized the spicy gazpacho was still sitting in the fridge back at home.

I historically don’t do well when little things go wrong when it comes to the food I make. It’s not that I’m a perfectionist in the kitchen; in fact, I’m a bit chaotic in my cooking approaches. But even though I still largely do things my way, I still want them to eventually come together in the end. It may have not taken a lot of time or steps to make the gazpacho, but I am weird about my attachment to the food I make; it’s like an extension of me, especially when I’m making it for someone I love.

Kristen, on the other hand, is swift to pivot and also reassure me in these moments. In the most extreme instance of a Food Mishap, I once spent hours crafting a giant seafood tray only to pull it out of the oven once it was done and lose my grip, its entire contents — shrimp, clams, crab legs, corn, potatoes, onions, scallops — spill onto the kitchen floor. A gloppy, expensive mess. Somehow, I did not cry. Kristen is a huge part of that.

So as usual, she assured me we had more than enough food, that the gazpacho would taste just as good — if not better! — later. The picture I had in my mind of stacks of sandwiches next to a blue bowl of crimson chilled soup was no longer possible, but that wasn’t the point, right? The point was a date with Kristen, not picture-perfect content.

Now is when I confess that it’s a tricky thing to have a series like this, one I genuinely enjoy writing and don’t plan on stopping any time soon. But I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t mean that sometimes date nights feel like they’re for someone else, for you reader. At the same time, with both of our busy work schedules, it’s admittedly nice to have a very specific reason to make sure we’re going on intentional dates at least once a week. I don’t know. I think I’ll probably be figuring this all out as I go.

The gazpacho was the main mishap, but in a very Florida development, a beetle also flew directly into our caramelized onion dip, forcing Kristen to scoop it out. I’m used to this now; eating outside in Florida usually entails reckoning with the creatures and the land and the trees and the leaves and the humidity and just all of nature trying to press itself into you. The beetle initially fazed me, and then I got over it, faster than I got over the gazpacho.

We picnicked as the sun set, and after, we went on a walk by the water and sat briefly in lawn chairs on the central grounds of the college Kristen went to for undergrad. It was twilight, and bats swarmed overhead, occasionally diving for bugs. Kristen glowed in the golden campus lights and night sky, and I felt at peace with the forgotten gazpacho. What’s a good date without a little mess? Without a little left unplanned? Like an impromptu walk through a buzzing, bat-filled campus.

This series might have a clear structure to it, but that doesn’t mean our dates do.

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Dykes on Dates is a series by Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya chronicling dates with her fiancé Kristen and offering ideas, tips, and tricks for stoking the flames of romance. Have an idea for where we should go out next? Let me know in the comments!

Dykes on Dates: Parents Weekend

Welcome to Dykes on Dates, where I usually break down a date with my fiancé Kristen that you can then execute in your own life! This week, we’re doing things a bit differently though, because it’s my column and I make the rules!!! Instead of specific tips for a date night you can do, I’m offering up a little mini essay on the last-minute trip I took to Charleston with Kristen and my parents where we basically ended up going on a bunch of double dates with my parents, which unexpectedly made me think a lot about marriage, family, renegotiating relationships with parents in adulthood, and the ways Kristen and I like to have fun together.

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Usually when we travel, it’s just the two of us. We love exploring and eating our way through a place together. It’s how our relationship started. Kristen was on book tour for her first novel, and I had a flexible work-from-home job that let me travel, and it was when pandemic was just the name of a board game I played sometimes, so we flew and trained and drove all over the country. I made the restaurant reservations and navigated walking directions. She booked the hotels and read from her book in packed bookstores and spent so much time with every single person who wanted to meet her, and I watched from the back of the room trying to play it cool when really I was falling in love. Yes, all the conditions were right for rosy romance. A cross-country book tour, endless dinner reservations, hotel sex. But it was much more than a romantic comedy montage. We were creating something real and lasting together, evidenced by the relationship’s continuation mere months later when everything about the way we spent our time together changed drastically. Even in lockdown though, we made food and fun and spontaneity core parts of our relationship in whatever ways we could.

Usually when we’re with my parents, we’re also with a lot of other people, too. I don’t travel home as much as I’m sure they wish I did, but it’s difficult to explain to them that it doesn’t really feel like home to me, because most of the time no place does. I left Virginia after high school, lived in Ann Arbor, Jackson, Michigan, D.C. Los Angeles, Chicago, Brooklyn, Las Vegas, Miami, and Orlando since then. No one place feels like a fixed home. I make every place into a home or at least something close to it. And besides, my parents no longer live in the place I was raised but nearby, in a city I know much less familiarly than any of the others ones I just named even if I technically grew up 20 minutes away from it. So when we go home, it’s usually for a week at Christmas. It’s usually for some sort of familial obligation, and so other family members are there, my siblings, my cousins, aunties, uncles. My family doesn’t feel big to me, but I’m told it is. And Kristen was thrown into the deep end when she met my parents for the first time. It wasn’t for Christmas or for a birthday. It was for my mother’s book club meeting for her first book, at the tail end of tour. Kristen was quite literally in the hot seat as my mother and a long dining table full of her friends asked her questions about her art. Not a lot of people would have been game for that; Kristen nailed the whole thing.

Traveling together, the four of us — Kristen, me, my parents — just wasn’t something I ever really thought would happen. I always figured at least my sister would be around, too. But my parents only invited us to their weekend in Charleston, where they had access to a friend’s condo, dangling the promise of a free place to stay for a weekend in a fun food city in front of us. It’s perfect, really. Charleston is equal driving time from where they live and where we do. In fact, it’s where we usually stop overnight on our way to Christmas.

To be completely honest, I didn’t want to go. Work has been even busier than usual. I’m loving planning our wedding, but I’d be lying if I said it has been stress-free. I was sort of looking forward to the prospect of no trips in April, every weekend spent at home. My parents also have a wildly different approach to vacations than I do. They plan next to nothing; I like to have reservations and an itinerary for every day. But Kristen convinced me to go. We’ve never done this, not really. Even when they visiting us in Orlando, it didn’t feel like the four of us were really, truly hanging out on vacation together. We were hosting them. I know I’m lucky that taking a trip with my fiancé and my parents is even possible. Most people in my life couldn’t even fathom it as a possibility, some fully estranged from their parents, some with parents who are no longer living, some with just complicated fraught familial relationships. Basically, I was being a brat. There was no compelling reason not to go on this trip, even if it was last minute. We do last minute all the time. We love spontaneous adventures when it’s the two of us. Why not do so with my parents? We’d still be able to work (which we often do on our trips, because it’s what works for us). Plus, a free place to stay!

Something I keep forgetting about is that getting married does mean to a lot of people that Kristen is officially becoming part of my family. I keep forgetting, because I already consider her part of my family. But I think I would be oversimplifying things to accuse anyone in my family of heteronormativity for seeing marriage as the “official” way for Kristen to join our family. I know that even if we were making different choices about our relationship, they would still treat her like family. But I also know that our upcoming marriage is meaningful. If I were having a more traditional Indian wedding, parents and family would be a hugely important component. I’m not, and it’s bittersweet; I know it’s ultimately for the best for a lot of reasons. I’m honestly still figuring out my relationship with my parents, even at 30, and I think that’s normal. More and more, I want to be friends with them. When I’m with my siblings and my parents, I just feel like their daughter; I don’t open up to them the way I would with friends. And my parents haven’t had a lot of time to get to know Kristen — or for her to get to know them. Christmas is always chaos. Maybe as a foursome, we could all unlock new relationships to each other.

Listen, I truly never thought going on a full weekend of double dates with my parents would be fun let alone revelatory, but it really was, and it reminded me that their steadfast marriage and the ways they constantly compromise — because at their core, they’re extremely different people to the point where I use them as proof that “opposites attract” isn’t just a platitude — have greatly influenced my own concept of long-term partnership. They’re good relationship role models, and again, I’m lucky for that.

Anyway, I’m still clearly unpacking a lot of that, but we had a great fucking time in Charleston. We walked over ten thousand steps a day. We ate so much good food, had so many good drinks. Our favorite spot hands down was Bar Rollins, a natural wine bar with tinned fish a.k.a. exactly my kind of place, and we slipped away to it just the two of us, making sure to divide our time between quality one-on-one time and double dates with my parents, which worked out really well in terms of bonding with them but also still making sure we had time to connect with each other. We also liked the cafe Babas on Cannon, where I wrote the beginning of this column you’re reading right now while eating a delicious slice of deep dish quiche. Kristen got the pickled shrimp toast, and you should, too. We also ventured over to Mt. Pleasant to go to the seafood bar/party spot Red’s Ice House because — and yes, even though I am a proud Bravo Dyke, I am a little embarrassed to admit this — Craig Conover from Southern Charm told us to go when we unexpectedly had a chance to meet him and Paige DeSorbo at Craig’s pillow store. Iykyk, please don’t make me explain it! It was hard enough explaining who they were to my parents, who also decidedly did not want to discuss Scandoval! Red’s was exactly our vibe in the sense that it’s on the water and has cheap drinks and local oysters. THANK YOU, CRAIG!

Also, if you’re ever visiting Charleston or any seaside town known for its seafood and you’re staying at a place with a kitchen, I highly recommend planning for at least one of your dinners to be at home and going to a fish market. It’ll save you money by not going out for a night, and you can keep it really simple. We did a couple pounds of fresh shrimp and cooked them in just lemon juice, garlic, butter, and Old Bay, served with a big salad and bread. Delicious and sooooo much cheaper than going out, and if you like to cook, it’s fun to do so on a trip!

At a cocktail bar one night, I ordered a drink with pickled peanuts nestled at the bottom, and I talked to my parents about things I don’t usually talk to them about — relationships with other family members, thoughts about the wedding, even using the word “boundaries” for the first time ever with them. None of it felt dramatic, but it felt like a shift in the things I can talk to them about. They could see how much Kristen does for me, how she can lower my anxiety with just a hand on my back. And I could see them seeking out fun, spontaneous adventures together the same way the two of us do. They still go on dates, even after being married for nearly 30 years. Their relationship looks more like ours than I ever realized. They hang out a lot, socialize together, share friends. They’ve always found ways to make last-minute adventures happen, which often means having to bring work along, like we always do. If a rando reality show star told them to go someplace, they’d do it too, because even if it sucks, at least there’s a story there, and at least you’re experiencing something uncertain together.

While our days were spent walking, eating, and drinking, we ended each night the same way, back at the borrowed condo, doing newspaper crossword puzzles together. We didn’t always agree on the puzzle answers, but we got there.

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Dykes on Dates is a new series by Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya chronicling dates with her fiancé Kristen and offering ideas, tips, and tricks for stoking the flames of romance.

How Polyamory Pushed Me to Prioritize My Pelvic Health

I got my first yeast infection at 30. It was diagnosed during a pelvic exam with my primary care physician in December 2020, a month after my divorce was finalized. It was an especially painful exam because of the infection, and I wept for a long time when I got home. My ex and I were packing up to move to different states, but they took the time to talk me through some of my more complicated feelings: Namely, that I felt ashamed for “not taking care of myself” and thus getting an infection.

At the time, I felt ashamed about anything pertaining to my pelvic health. My first relationship had been an abusive nightmare in which my weight had been a point of contention — because if I were “less fat, then we could have better sex” — and that had a lasting impact on me. Then the partner I eventually married said I was hypersexual and would often ask me if I had showered recently when they could smell odor from my vagina — even if we were kissing or if they were touching me in a way that turned me on. I didn’t trust my libido or my body for a decade.

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In July 2022, seven months into being one-third of a closed polycule, I was diagnosed with bacterial vaginosis and a severe UTI. This time I didn’t feel ashamed — I felt surprised. My symptoms were so sudden and so severe that I was forced to crawl out of the bathroom because the pain made me so weak. Both of my partners went with me to the emergency room, and we all thought this would be a one-time occurrence.

It wasn’t. That month alone, we went to the ER four or five times, and then I was admitted for a ten-day hospital stay. One doctor’s comment that I was “a bag of mysteries” became something of a motto each time I met a new provider. That was just the beginning. Fortunately, communicating openly and often about sex and pelvic health with my partners has helped me advocate for my needs, and now I’m finally on a path towards healing.

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Deciding to explore polyamory for the first time at the start of 2022 was incredibly scary. In past relationships, polyamory had only ever been presented to me as a punishment or an ultimatum. Choosing to try it for myself felt empowering, but it also felt like skydiving with no parachute. I feared losing one or both of my partners, worried that I wouldn’t be able to handle my own feelings of jealousy, stressed about getting it wrong at every turn.

Sometimes I do get it wrong. All of us do. But by developing a strong base of communication and intentionally talking through issues as they arise instead of letting them fester, all three of us have been able to not only show up for ourselves, but also show up for each other. We set boundaries with each other and call each other in if those boundaries are violated. Our apologies include four parts: asking for consent, apologizing, naming what we’re apologizing for, and creating a plan for growth and improvement. We check in each day, often multiple times a day, to ask how we’re doing with our mental, emotional, and physical health; what tasks we need help accomplishing; and how we can support each other. We prioritize safety over productivity, and we strive to take each other at our word.

These practices translate directly to how we communicate about sex and intimacy. As a fat, chronically ill, increasingly disabled survivor whose sex drive created problems in my marriage, I’ve struggled to state what I want from my partners. I’ve feared that I want too much, too often, that seeking pleasure makes me selfish, and that asking to be touched in certain ways is too demanding. I’ve also worried that not wanting to have sex when my partners do will make them not want to sleep with me ever again. I’ve feared that saying “no” will birth bigger problems for us. In the last year, I’ve learned that none of these things are true and that being honest about what intimacy looks like for me at any given moment is the healthiest thing I can do.

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By beginning to heal my relationship with intimacy, I’ve also begun to heal my relationship with my body. This has been especially integral due to how my body is changing. When I first started dating one of my partners, I began experiencing a new type of chronic pain that required me to walk with a cane. Suddenly, I had gone from having an invisible illness to being visibly disabled, which was difficult to process. I felt betrayed by my body and fearful of the future, especially as the pain got worse.

I’m a fat liberationist and genuinely love my fat body, and being with two other fat people has further radicalized me. But having sex as a chronically ill and disabled person is new to me. It requires me to be completely in my body during sex — something I avoided in past relationships to escape potential shame, pain, and discomfort. Now, for the first time, I have partners who encourage me to explore toys, tools, and positions that are as accessible as they are pleasurable. One of my partners also experiences chronic pain, and all three of us believe sex should be as shame-free and pleasurable as possible for everyone, however they choose to participate. For me, the way I participate in sex fluctuates constantly — especially because sex of any kind can be wildly painful.

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Since my hospital stay last summer, I’ve exhausted the available urological tests and still struggle with persistent, resistant UTIs. I’ve been diagnosed with PCOS and may also have endometriosis. In December, I had a dilation and curettage procedure to determine whether my rapidly-thickening endometrial lining was cancerous. Thankfully, it wasn’t.

After a lifetime of being disregarded by doctors because I’m fat, I was accustomed to never getting answers — now, thanks to the communication skills I’ve practiced in my polycule, I refuse to be ignored. Instead of simply living with inconsistent and debilitating periods, chronic pain, and bizarre bladder symptoms because I’m afraid to acknowledge that something might be wrong, I’m advocating for myself. I ask my doctors to follow their hunches, encourage them to examine my symptoms from new angles, and ask scary questions. I demand to have tests and procedures done for peace of mind, even if they won’t reveal any new information. I state my boundaries upon meeting each and every doctor. If my boundaries as a patient are violated, I state that in the moment and then pursue new care paths with other providers. My ability to do this is a direct result of the communication and trust I’ve built with my partners in talking about sex, intimacy, illness, and pain. It also helps that I always have one, if not both, of them with me — and whenever I falter, I can silently communicate with them to step in and help me advocate for my needs.

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The first time I considered asking for a hysterectomy was right before I got married. When I brought it up with my doctor, he told me it was an invasive procedure that required more thought than he believed I’d given it. Now, six years later, an OBGYN will be removing my uterus because I believe it’s the best thing for me, and she believes the procedure will grant me some of the freedom and relief I’m desperately seeking. Thanks to my self-advocacy and a bit of luck, I finally found a doctor who listens to and respects my needs in this arena and doesn’t pin my illnesses on my weight.

Were it not for my partners and our commitment to talking through everything, all the time, especially when we’re struggling, I think I’d still be suffering. Although I never could have predicted it, learning how to practice healthy polyamory has taught me how to advocate for my health needs without even a modicum of shame.

Dykes on Dates: Sometimes Date Night Is Just Chips, Dips, and a Drink Tasting

Hi and welcome back to Dykes on Dates, where I go on dates with my fiancé and tell you about them so you can try them out, too! My favorite dates I went on recently with Kristen were to the annual arts festival in our neighborhood, which is not exactly actionable advice unless you also live somewhere with a massive annual arts festival on the horizon. Instead, on the heels of my homemade pizza date tips, I’m here to offer recommendations for another at-home date. Recreating a wine tasting/brewery experience at home!

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The Date: Drink Tasting and Snacks

Cost

Varies, depending on the style of drinks and snacks you pick. We got all of our supplies at Trader Joe’s, which really does have the best snacks in the game. We spent under $30 for this date.

Additional Planning Notes

Part of the reason we went to Trader Joe’s was because of their Build Your Own Six-Pack option, which is ideal for a tasting and keeps costs down vs. having to buy multiple six-packs of things to try. Other grocery stores often offer DIY six-packs, too, but the selection at Trader Joe’s is usually impressive and includes local offerings.

Keep the snacking simple! Maybe get two styles of chips and three styles of dips and then throw in a tinned fish or a pre-sliced charcuterie meat. We also picked up a bagged salad — the new elote one at Trader Joe’s is great. It has a smokey flavor and a crunch factor!

This date is easy to modify for sober folks. You can do a tasting of artisanal sodas (check out this Bubble Trouble missive for inspo) or even make homemade sodas from flavored syrups and club soda.

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I’ve been wanting to do an at-home tasting paired with snacks ever since I edited Ashni’s brilliant canned sparkling wines x chips taste test piece and, because I’m a Gemini who loves to multitask, I thought why not make this the next installment of Dykes on Dates!

Kristen and I often like to go to wine tastings or breweries where we can get flights together. We both like trying new things and especially like to do so together so we can compare tasting notes and preferences. We don’t take ourselves too seriously when we do this! Sometimes, she will taste a wine and say “tastes like wine,” and you know what? She’s right. Secretly though, she does have the superior palette to mine. I use a wine app called Vivino where you can upload whatever wine you’re drinking, write a review, and read reviews from others. If you and your person are into wine, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND making an entire activity out of reading Vivino reviews together. People will be out here saying “this wine tastes like wet gravel and broken toothpicks” and it’s just incredible use of the English language imo.

Instead of going out somewhere to taste things, we decided to do a chill date night at home after a long weekend of a lot of walking around in the Florida sun. I also wasn’t in the mood to cook, which is rare for me, but happens from time to time. So we planned a spontaneous day-of date mostly built around an impromptu walk to Trader Joe’s. Hashtag not an ad, but Trader Joe’s is theeeee place for date supplies. Cheap wine! Build your own six-packs! Candy! Snacks! Chips! Dips! I don’t do my regular grocery shopping at Trader Joe’s, but it’s my go-to place for picnics, party supplies, and hors d’oeuvres.

Food-wise, we picked up the aforementioned elote bagged salad mix, which was easily a 9/10 salad. We also got my latest TJs obsession, which is a jar of hot pepper Italian bomba. This shit is spicy and good on EVERYTHING. Specifically, the flavor combo I ended up inventing during date night was a salt and vinegar chip, plus a scoop of seafood patê, topped with a dollop of the bomba. Spicy, fishy, salty, vinegary paradise! I used the Minerva spicy sardine patê specifically, but you could also use the José Gourmet patê. We also got the TJs corn chips — which are somehow superior to Fritos — and caramelized onion dip as well as the new tirokafteri.

But what we really came for was the DIY six-packs. Initially thinking we were going to do an at-home brewery moment, we ended up pivoting because our Trader Joe’s has a wider selection of canned cocktails, spritzers, wines, etc. Kristen picked three, and I picked three. We went with two sparkling rosés, two hard kombuchas, a hard seltzer, and a cream ale, focusing on flavors we both like (coconut, lemon, ginger, etc.) but picking things new to both of us.

Yes, those are Hooters flight glasses. While living in Miami, one of the first places we found near our place that offered outdoor dining and an outdoor bar experience we felt comfortable going to was…Hooters. Now I will forever associate that particular period of the pandemic with the sights, sounds, and smells of Hooters. One time, I ordered a special flight that came with these take-home glasses, and let me tell ya — they do lend a certain legitimacy to at-home tastings! Stay tuned for a Dykes on Dates set at Hooters!!!! (jk………unless)

Now, I have a tendency to go all out with snack plates, charcuterie and cheese boards, etc. But the vibe for this date was intentionally very chill, relaxed, no-fuss. The point was to try the drinks with Kristen and focus on those. It’s oddly soothing and even kinda hot to describe what you taste to another person. Like not to sound like the movie The Menu, but describing the mouthfeel of a rosé, even when that rosé is $2.50 and in a can? Sexy! So in order to focus on the drink tasting aspect and also be more present, I forewent cooking anything or even chopping anything. Everything we bought from Trader Joe’s was ready to serve. The bag salad just had to be dumped in a bowl and mixed, which Kristen did, because she is the designated bagged salad mixer in this household.

This was truly the least amount of food prep I’ve ever done for an at-home date night. I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed with work as well as my writing and just like general life things lately, so I could have very easily just skipped on date nights at all this week, but I’m glad that I instead found a way for us to do something special and nice together that was also incredibly low effort and low cost. Tasting the new drinks felt like a real activity, and though the food was simple, it represented all the flavors we both like.

I promise next Dykes on Dates will be something sexier where I get dressed up, made up, and we actually, you know, go out. But if there’s anything the past couple years have taught us about long-term relationships, it’s that these at-home date nights can be just as special — and necessary!

And after our easy, breezy date? We made our way to the couch to continue our rewatch of Yellowjackets season one, a show that means a lot to us and I easily associate with our relationship — NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO CANNIBALIZE HER, EVEN THOUGH KRISTEN SOMETIMES FEARS THAT but because it was the first piece of pop culture we really became obsessed with, together. We’ll both be in attendance at the Yellowjackets season two premiere virtual watch party for A+ members tomorrow. Hope to see you there!

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Dykes on Dates is a new series by Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya chronicling dates with her fiancé Kristen and offering ideas, tips, and tricks for stoking the flames of romance.

You Need Help: My Partner and I Disagree About Our COVID Risk Reduction Practices

Q:

I (38, they/them) and my partner “S” (41, she/they) have lived together for 5 years, dated for almost 6. We’ve made it through some intense relationship challenges (unsupportive parents, deaths in the family, fertility treatments, a miscarriage and ultimately deciding against being parents, being in lockdown together, medical emergencies), and while our relationship is not perfect, we are both committed to working together and try to see most issues/problems as us vs the ‘problem’ instead of us vs each other. This is the longest and healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. I love S and I can’t imagine my life without them. However, we’ve come to an impasse in our diverging COVID risk appetite and desires, and I’m honestly not sure what solution or compromise we can find.

Since early COVID we’ve been pretty locked down. Neither of us have participated in indoor dining since spring 2020, and we’ve skipped weddings and funerals that lacked COVID precautions. We’ve been on two trips — to AirBNBs we could drive to — but those were more work-from-elsewhere trips than actual vacations. Our relationship pretty much revolves around our apartment and our dog.

I do have a queer book club I’m a part of that currently meets monthly with rapid testing beforehand (love you all!), and my job is hybrid, so I’m able to get out of the apartment and go to the office (masked) a couple times a week, or I’d probably be going even more stir-crazy. The thing is, I think my view of living in this timeline, where public COVID precautions aren’t being taken, has shifted. My partner’s view has not.

It seems like my partner would be happy living her best homebody life (she works fully remote), rarely going on dates outside the apartment, and saving most of her COVID risk for meeting up with friends and going on work trips. I guess it just feels like she isn’t willing to expand her COVID risk appetite for our relationship, but will for her friendships or work, and that feels unfair. With the non-existent public health response to COVID, I don’t see it going away anytime soon, and I’m ready to figure out how to try and thrive and experience life (safely). I’d like to do that with my romantic partner.

When I imagined my future with S, I thought we’d be experiencing life outside of our apartment together. I don’t need to do everything with her, but I want to do some things together at least, and while we’ve been on a handful of masked dates and rapid-tested hangouts with friends, S isn’t really interested in what she perceives as unnecessary risk. I’m starting to resent feeling like she has a different risk appetite for hanging out with her friends (they’ll even eat outdoors at restaurants) or going on work trips (they can fly to NYC for a week and go out with her team, but won’t go on a vacation with me that requires a flight and very little interacting with other people?) than she does for our relationship. When I’ve tried to talk to her about it she makes me feel like I’m being unreasonable for wanting her to examine her (IMO hypocritical) COVID risk appetite.

I don’t know how to move forward from this. I can’t believe that this might be the thing that we break up over, but she feels like I’m asking her to compromise on her health, and I feel like she’s prioritizing her friends and work over our relationship. I just don’t know how to even begin to talk to her about it without her making me feel like I’m asking an unreasonable thing of her. Any advice would be much appreciated.

A:

To start off, I want to back up for a moment here: you and your partner have faced issues with your parents, bereavement, a fertility journey, the loss of a pregnancy, a decision, ultimately, to not try for another one, other medical issues AND a pandemic? And all within the past five years? You don’t need me to tell you this, but life has been THROWING it at you. You must be exhausted!

I don’t mention this to dwell, but to honor the fact that you’ve managed to face some complex and traumatic issues — far more than many couples face in such a small handful of years — and from what you tell me, you’ve managed to face them together, as a team. In order to have done this, there are things that each of you must’ve consistently brought to the table, like compassion, patience, and space for one another’s experience. You’ve held on to each other through some really rough seas, and now that the waters are starting to calm, an important but slightly less urgent issue, the issue of COVID risk reduction practices, is shaking your relationship up a bit.

Honestly, I get it. This far into the pandemic, it feels like we all have a touch of crisis fatigue, and I bet you two are dealing with more than your fair share of that. And sometimes, after dealing with an active crisis as a team, it’s the period afterward that can start to pull us apart. There’s now more time and space for your individual needs and feelings. It’s not surprising that this is when the resentment is starting to build!

I think the breakdown here isn’t that you have slightly different ideas about what life will look like in the next phase of the pandemic, but that you’re not currently able to meet each other with as much empathy and patience as perhaps you once did. You feel your partner is being “hypocritical,” she feels you’re being “unreasonable,” and you don’t get any closer to finding ways to move forward.

I appreciated all of the detail in your letter, because your different ideas of how to tackle COVID risk reduction both seem really reasonable to me. Your partner sees you at home, and so she wants to take more of her exposure risks when it’s necessary for work, or in order to see their friends. That makes sense! Meanwhile, you want to build a life with your partner that doesn’t just happen within the walls of your apartment. That also makes sense!

In order to get past this to a space where you can communicate in healthy ways, you’re going to have to work your way through those resentments. I don’t know what exactly that will look like for you, or whether it will be possible, but I do know it will begin with a willingness to, well, begin — one that has to come from both of you. Whether you have the means and opportunity to do some couples counseling, you find a book or resource that you like online, or you simply commit to having some pretty honest dinner table/comfy sofa/under the covers conversations, I think you’re going to have to name your resentments, talk through them with as much compassion for one another as you can possibly muster, and then, once you’ve acknowledged them, to be able to truly set them aside and agree to move forward into the next set of conversations — the conversations that are actually around the group project of making a life together, one where your collective and individual needs are met: a life where you can thrive.

COVID risk and harm reduction is complex, and the choices that we make now are both deeply personal and constantly evolving. The choices you’re making currently seem valid and reasonable; your partner’s choices seem reasonable too. I hope that with some work, you’ll both be able to get to a place where you can see just how close you’re still sitting to one another on this, and embark on this next phase as a team. I wish you all the best! 💙

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You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.