You Need Help: My Partner Can’t Have an Orgasm

Q:

My partner cannot achieve orgasm (and they never have but they want to). I feel like I’m running out of techniques to try. What should I do?

A:

If your partner is solely relying on you for the magical gift of an orgasm, that’s a whole lot of pressure on you and on your partner. Sometimes adding another person into the mix, even someone you love and trust, can add a layer of stress that hinders our ability to relax and release.

So what do you do? Release yourself from responsibility. You are not the keeper of your partner’s orgasms. You’re a supporting character. Your partner should play the protagonist in their Great Orgasm Quest.

Does your partner masturbate? If not, it’s time for them to (literally) take their orgasms into their own hands. The following advice is for your partner:

Just Do Yourself. — Masturbating daily, even when it doesn’t lead to an orgasm, is one of the best ways to get to know your body. Set aside time to masturbate in the same way you make time for other healthy habits like meditating, journaling, or exercising. It’s good for you.

Turn Yourself on First. — Have you been trying to crank an orgasm out of your body before your brain is on board? For many people, orgasms are mostly mental. Before you get anywhere near your bits, take time to fantasize. Watch porn. Turn on sexy music. Read some erotic fiction. Do whatever gets you and your body excited.

Focus on What Feels Good. — Don’t focus on trying to having an orgasm! Putting any amount of pressure on yourself will take you right out of your body and into your head. If you’re having trouble sinking into the sensations, play some music or put on a blindfold to help you bring your focus to your own pleasure.

Take Your Time. — Feeling rushed will only stress you out. Remember, there’s no pressure here. Luxuriate in your physical sensations.

Try Different Techniques. — Some people masturbate with their fingers. Some people like humping a pillow. Some people masturbate on their backs or on their stomachs. Some people like penetration.

Try a Toy. — If you don’t already own a vibrator, it’s definitely worth a try. You can find a cheap bullet vibrator at most sex toy stores. If you find that you need something with a whole lot of power, the Magic Wand is a classic that’s been helping people have their first orgasms for 50 years! And if you get a a Magic Wand and don’t dig its shockingly strong vibration — well, now you own an incredible back massager.

Once you learn what feels good to you, show your partner how you masturbate so they can join in on the fun! Your hands deserve a break after all that diddling.

If you’re still not experiencing orgasms, there might be a psychological issue at play. Seek out a therapist who can help you work through your sexual blocks. Psychology Today offers an extensive database where you can search for a therapist based on their identity and experience.

Good luck and happy masturbating!

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.