Was I A Fool To Think They’d Kiss Me Back?

I had a super weird almost-sexual encounter with a human I’ll call “Bryce” believe it or not, many months ago, and I think I fucked up and I can’t stop thinking about it!! Everyone was drunk, they were flirting with me so hard, y’all they were playing with my hair? Twirling it around their hot fingers?? Asking me inappropriate questions about if I was a top or a bottom or a switch? Like, all the signs were there!! My friends were clocking, asking if we were gonna hook up. They bought me a drink, they were next to me in the corner of a booth and put their arm up in a way that separated us from the rest of the group! Then they suddenly had to go, and I was surprised because I thought maybe we’d be going home together, so I (drunk, remember!) went outside with them thinking maybe that’s what they want and then we’ll leave together? Somehow, okay, well, I kissed them. On the mouth! They kissed me back but just a LITTLE tiny bit and kinda lightly stepped away from the kiss and said they’d “see me around” and then left to go get the train? I felt so stupid! And I STILL DO feel SO STUPID. I see them here and there. Like should I apologize? Maybe they weren’t attracted to me and I misread it? We didn’t talk much before this night so it’s not weird that we don’t talk much now, but it is a little bit weird. Probably it literally doesn’t matter but I get worried what if they told people about me, this girl who had no actual shot with them, trying to kiss them? Am I pathetic? Should I just break the seal and talk to them about it the next time I see them? I don’t know why I feel so unresolved about something that doesn’t matter. Also they are really hot. Any help you can offer, thank you.

Summer: Whoa goodness, just breathe there okay?

I may not be the High Councilor of Interpreting Social Cues, but from what I can tell, you flirted a lot with someone on a night out. There was a drink flowing. You got along. Then shared a small kiss. That’s completely ordinary after vibing with someone on a night out. Since it didn’t go anywhere else, they were not ready to take it further. If there’s been no contact from their side since, they probably don’t want to pursue things further. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you reaching out to ask for a date or talk about what happened and gauge any further interest, but approach it lightly.

You’re not pathetic. They’re not out of your league. You didn’t ‘try’ to kiss them, you did. Their feelings are unclear and that doesn’t mean something bad has happened. Just breathe.

Ashni: I don’t think you fucked up at all! I hope this brings you some relief. Bryce gave you multiple cues that they were interested. Sure, I’ve had the top/bottom thing come up in casual conversation with gay friend groups, but coupled with the playing with hair, buying you a drink, the physical separation from the rest of the group? That’s flirting. I do agree with Summer that Bryce probably didn’t want to go further, which would explain why they haven’t brought it up since, but I don’t think this means you had no shot! They flirted for a reason, probably because they find you just as hot. Maybe they just got in their head or realized they didn’t want to do anything more after the kiss. I wonder if you feel unresolved because they never communicated what they were looking for that night. Honestly, though, I wouldn’t talk to them about it now. Y’all don’t talk much, and it’s also been at least a few months since the single kiss. If you’re still interested in them, sure, talk to them, but maybe not about that night – at least not with the limited interactions you have right now.

Nico: If you were interested in them — actually hooking up, a date, what-have-you, as Ashni said, that would be the reason to talk to Bryce again. And if you do reach out, just accept their first “no” or kind of signal that they’re not interested if they give you one. Otherwise, flirting happens. Drunk flirting, especially, can happen. If you were both flirting, and you went for a kiss, I don’t think that’s pathetic or creepy. It WOULD be pathetic or annoying or invasive if when you saw them again at another social function, you followed them around expecting more, if you messaged them insisting that you hang out, or if you otherwise pushed boundaries. I think if you are in a group setting again, since you got the vibe that they sort of pulled away and shut things down, I’d let them be the one to approach you for anything beyond a simple hello.

I’m fairly recently back in the dating pool after ending a 5 year relationship and taking a full year after the breakup to focus on myself. I am in my mid 30s, live in a large metropolitan city with a fulfilling career, meaningful friendships, and I am ready to share it with someone… but it’s not as easy as I had hoped.

My self-esteem in my 20s was pretty low, and I would go on dates with basically anyone, which often led to disappointment or hurt, but I was meeting a lot of new people and going on a lot of dates. I feel really good about myself now, and I am better at recognizing red flags & people I am not compatible with, being careful to not over-determine these and say no to “maybes.” But dating is a numbers game, and I am pickier, plus there seem to be significantly fewer single monogamous queers in their 30s & 40s than in their 20s. I’m rarely matching with people on apps and have gone on very few dates – I think I went on 1 date all summer. The apps feel torturous at this point, I’ve done speed dating a few times with zero matches, and I’ve gone to IRL social gatherings and activities with no luck. I’ve asked friends if they know anyone, and every monogamous, sapphically-oriented mutual is in a relationship.

Of course I’m trying to see if I’m doing something “wrong,” but I can’t pinpoint anything that’s calling me out as a red flag. I’ve worked really hard in therapy and beyond to become who I am today, and I’m really proud of me and think I’m a catch, so the lack of success hits even harder.. I would have rejected myself in my 20s. I know I need to stop comparing dating in my 20s to dating in my 30s, but it’s hard not to.

To add additional ugh, I want to have kids, and Queer Time doesn’t change my biological clock. For many personal reasons, I don’t want to be a single mother; though I refuse to jump into a relationship for the purpose of co-parenting… but my fertility clock is ticking, and I don’t need that added pressure.

How do I meet another human for long-term monogamous sapphic domesticity? What changes can I make in my approach, because my current one isn’t working? Or do I stick with it and hope for what feels like a miracle?

Summer: Hello from a fellow person who would have rejected their twenty year-old self!

Like you, I’m surprised that someone so put-together as yourself would have trouble in a major city. I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that app-dating is an algorithmically mediated cesspool designed to keep people on the apps for as long as possible to generate revenue. You know, the Tinder paradox. Where if Tinder were actually good at matching people up, they’d have no revenue because they’re dependent on people staying on the app as long as possible for revenue.

If you haven’t tried dating apps oriented to queer women, like Her, then that would be my next guess. In my mind, Tinder and Bumble have gone downhill a lot and are more a reflection of ‘dead average’ than the quality of person I actually want to meet. But that could also be geographical.

Another alternative is… hear me out… kink events. If you’re in a major city, they’ll exist. Various kink events will tend to have their own frequent flyer communities that are a good place for queer-friendly networking. You don’t have to go for sex. You don’t even have to go to the sex-oriented events. But maybe a munch or casual event to meet some new people and scope out the vibes? But not walking in with the intention of finding a permanent partner. I think that’s putting the cart way ahead of the horse. More like… meeting friends and entering a new queer circle to see what’s up. It could go somewhere.

Riese: I just want to validate to you that it’s extremely true that the dating pool DOES dwindle as you get older and it really sucks! Most lesbians do couple up by a certain age, and apps can feel really discouraging because of that, especially when you compare your experience to dating in your twenties when the world was your oyster. (Also I’m not sure what apps you’re using, but all the single thirtysomethings I know use Hinge? Get off Tinder, is what I’m saying.) But also sometimes you can catch someone in your age bracket  on the other side of a divorce! 

I think, honestly, you should quit the apps for a few months and just focus on yourself —doing what you love, making social connections, and seeing what happens. Is there a queer sports league you could join? That’s how so many people I know in LA met their significant others.

Nico: I agree with both Riese and Summer that slowing down instead of trying to immediately find your one and only partner forever is a good move. I’m not saying you shouldn’t date, but I do think that being less commitment-forward might help. There’s a chance your goal-oriented approach is scaring away potential partners. Can you get a few friends to review your dating app profiles? Maybe try deleting them and making new ones from scratch and being perhaps more open with your swiping (you mentioned pickiness). You can also try putting the apps down for a couple weeks. People get on them and leave all the time so if you do that, there will be some different people on there later.

Regarding having a kid, do you have the means to freeze some of your eggs? If you’re determined to have a biological kid in the future and you’re concerned about time, it might be a good way to alleviate some of the stress you’re dealing with.