Welcome to Things I’ve Never Asked! This is a new A+ series in which we ask people we’re close to questions we genuinely don’t know the answers to! Here, Vanessa interviewed her girfriend, PB. Fun fact: they just moved in together!

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Vanessa: Hi babe.

PB: Hi babe.

Vanessa: So just for context, do you want to tell everyone where we are right now?

PB: Yes, we are driving back from Southern Oregon. We spent the weekend at our lovely friends’ house and we celebrated Beltane at the Fairy Sanctuary.

Vanessa: Fun. For readers who may not celebrate, what is Beltane?

PB: Beltane occurs on May 1st. It’s a pagan holiday that celebrates the beginning of spring and the sowing of the seeds for the rest of your year.

Vanessa: Beautiful.

PB: Yeah.

Vanessa: First, I’m going to ask you to tell me some things I already have asked, just so we can have some more context.

PB: Okay.

Vanessa: First of all, who are you?

PB: My name is PB. I am a homosexual, and I’m your girlfriend.

Vanessa: Great. My next question, you’re already one step ahead of the game, I was going to say, “Who are we?”

PB: Girlfriends.

Vanessa: Hot.

PB: And roommates and coworkers.

Vanessa: Hot.

PB: Yeah.

Vanessa: Why do we already know so much about each other?

PB: Because we have known each other since approximately 2014.

Vanessa: And also because I assigned you literal writing prompts within the first week of us dating.

PB: Yes. That too.

Vanessa: Do you want to tell everybody about those?

PB: Sure. Yeah. I went out of town for Christmas shortly after we started dating and we emailed—

Vanessa: Obsessively.

PB: —back and forth quite a lot, which is odd, but was romantic and fun. And you sent me writing prompts.

Vanessa: What kind of prompts did I ask?

PB: You asked me to describe the weirdest sex I’ve ever had. You asked me to tell a story from my childhood. You asked me my thoughts on polyamory versus monogamy.

Vanessa: Casual. She’s casual.

PB: She’s very casual. I don’t know. What else did you ask me?

Vanessa: I asked you what the most surprising thing about me was.

PB: Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Vanessa: I asked you to tell me about your relationship with religion.

PB: Yes. She’s casual.

Vanessa: As you can see, I really blew my load in those emails. And so I apologize that Autostraddle’s A+ readers will not get those juicy questions, but I’ve asked them already. They’re not questions I’ve never asked. I actually asked them within the first two weeks of sleeping with you.

PB: Yes.

Vanessa: Which occurred approximately eight years after we first met each other.

PB: Yes.

Vanessa: Here we are now. I’m going to dive into some things I’ve never asked you.

PB: Okay, great.

Vanessa: Okay. Ready?

PB: Yes.

Vanessa: Oh, also, should we mention the cute sleeping dog on your lap?

PB: There’s a small man named Zucchini on my lap.

Vanessa: Yeah.

PB: He is cuddling in a leopard print coat.

Vanessa: Mine.

PB: Yes.

Vanessa: You may have read his work on April 1st.

PB: Yes. He’s a published author on Autostraddle dot com.

Vanessa: He is. It’s true. Okay. Diving into things I’ve never asked you, my girlfriend, PB.

PB: Yes.

Vanessa: What is your favorite wildflower?

PB: A dandelion.

Vanessa: Beautiful. Why?

PB: Well, I think they’re really pretty. I think that they’re so… What’s the word I’m looking for? What’s a word for something that can be used in many, many different ways?

Vanessa: Suddenly I feel like I’ve never heard of a word in my life before. Don’t know any words. “Useful”?

PB: Sure. That’s really kind of underselling it though, I think. Okay. Let me just describe some things that I like that you can use it for—

Vanessa: Oh wait, babe. How do you know this word game? What are you doing right now? And why are you aware of it?

PB: The word game? Oh, because it’s called semantic feature analysis. And it’s when you describe parts of a word or kind of talk about what the word means so that you can access the word through different neural pathways and then come to find the word.

Vanessa: Why do you know that?

PB: Because I’m a speech pathologist.

Vanessa: I’m obsessed with you.

PB: Oh boy.

Vanessa: Everyone should know that once PB asked our friend if she wanted her to… pulpate?… her…

PB: Larynx.

Vanessa: Yes, larynx. And she did.

PB: Palpate.

Vanessa: Right. She just palpated her larynx right there in her living room.

PB: I did.

Vanessa: It was romantic.

PB: Was it?

Vanessa: She’s making a weird face at me now. Okay. I cut you off. Do the game where you’ll figure out what the word about dandelions is.

PB: Well, I was just going to tell you a bunch of useful things about dandelions.

Vanessa: Go ahead. Oh! Multipurpose.

PB: Multipurpose. Yes. Okay. Beautifully multipurpose. Dandelions, I mean, you can make a wish on them when they’re dry. You can use all of the different parts of the dandelion, the dandelion greens, the dandelion root has great medicinal properties. One time I made dandelion wine out of dandelion petals and it was delicious and intoxicating. Also, something that I like about dandelions from a philosophical perspective is I feel like they’re very good community builders. They have very deep and strong roots and they also reach into the sky with their little seeds that blow everywhere and spread far and wide.

Vanessa: I wish everybody could see me staring adoringly at you right now.

PB: Isn’t that cool?

Vanessa: Yeah, babe.

PB: That’s why I love dandelions.

Vanessa: Wow. Okay. Love that.

PB: That’s a good question.

Vanessa: Thank you. That was an excellent answer.

PB: What kind of answer did you think you were going to get from that?

Vanessa: I had no idea. I knew it would be wonderful and magical.

PB: Well, there you are.

Vanessa: Well, so there’s another part to that question and that is what is your favorite not wild flower?

PB: I don’t know.

Vanessa: She’s wild.

PB: I like wild flowers better.

Vanessa: But when you go to the grocery store to make my arrangements, what do you get excited about when you see…

PB: It’s not so much an individual particular flower, it’s an amalgamation of colors and shapes that I enjoy putting together in an aesthetically pleasing manner.

Vanessa: Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Okay. She’s acing it already. We’re on question number one.

PB: That was kind of two.

Vanessa: Well, babe, this next one’s a real hard hitter.

PB: Oh boy.

Vanessa: Why do you think it took us so long to get together as girlfriends considering we’ve been friends for almost a decade?

PB: I think that we both had to date worse people to realize what we didn’t want. We had to learn some lessons.

Vanessa: Oh, we had to learn some lessons. I like that.

PB: Yeah.

Vanessa: Asking you that is kind of cheating, because I’ve asked you versions of that question before, but I don’t think I’ve ever asked it to you in those exact words.

PB: Yeah. Yeah. I think we had to date worse people first.

Vanessa: Sorry to our exes. You were worse than us.

PB: Not sorry.

Vanessa: None of our exes have A+ subscriptions.

PB: How do you know that?

Vanessa: Well, none of my exes have A+ subscriptions. You have like 80 exes.

PB: I’m sure some of my exes have A+ subscriptions.

Vanessa: Hi to all your exes.

PB: Hi. You were great in your own ways.

Vanessa: Goddess speed. Maybe they’re dating the people they need to date now.

PB: Well, also—

Vanessa: They learned the lessons they needed to learn with you.

PB: I have become significantly better in the past 10 years.

Vanessa: Okay, how are you better, babe?

PB: I was a real selfish slut in my twenties.

Vanessa: I’m sticking out my tongue and nodding my head in a smug self-satisfied way.

PB: Yeah.

Vanessa: Because I love that we’re both sluts.

PB: Yeah.

Vanessa: Yeah. Now we’re both smiling. Hope everyone really enjoys this annotated interview I’m giving.

PB: Yeah.

Vanessa: Okay. You used to be a selfish slut and now you’re a less selfish slut?

PB: Yes.

Vanessa: And what did I used to be?

PB: *thinking*

Vanessa: Careful!

PB: You’ve always been perfect, babe.

Vanessa: Oh babe. I’ll say, I think I used to be kidding myself about what I wanted.

PB: Oh?

Vanessa: I think I thought I was a real casual girl.

PB: Yeah? No, you didn’t. You never thought that.

Vanessa: Well, I wanted to be.

PB: Yeah, but you never really thought it.

Vanessa: Oh, all right. I stopped lying to myself.

PB: Yeah.

Vanessa: And I worked a lot on my anxiety.

PB: Yes.

Vanessa: We also both changed what we wanted.

PB: …No.

Vanessa: No?

PB: No. I think we’ve both always wanted what we currently want.

Vanessa: Well, in your twenties, you didn’t want to get married.

PB: I did, ultimately.

Vanessa: But not in your twenties.

PB: Correct.

Vanessa: Okay, we didn’t change what we want. Well, I changed what I wanted, because I didn’t think I wanted to get married anymore after a certain amount of breakups, but I think I was lying to myself.

PB: Right. You definitely have always wanted to get married and have babies.

Vanessa: Yeah. But I thought I would do it alone.

PB: No, you didn’t really want to do it alone.

Vanessa: But I thought I would because everybody else was so fucking useless.

PB: But that’s not what you wanted.

Vanessa: I wanted to find a not useless person.

PB: Yes.

Vanessa: And then I found you.

PB: Here I am.

Vanessa: Fuck yeah.

PB: *looks outside the window at the gorgeous landscape* Wow. Pretty.

Vanessa: Okay. Moving right along, tell me something about your past that I don’t already know. That’s kind of cheating again because I couldn’t think of anything that I haven’t asked you, so I was like, “You tell me, bitch.”

PB: Well, let’s see… *long pause*

Vanessa: Hours pass.

PB: I can’t think of anything.

Vanessa: Nothing in your past that I don’t already know?

PB: Well, okay. Let’s see. My family used to celebrate Easter every year with our family friends and this guy named Charlie, who was the grandpa of the other family.

Vanessa: Yeah?

PB: He would bring a big ice cream maker and we would make homemade ice cream every Easter in my backyard.

Vanessa: Cute!

PB: Yeah. And it was really a highlight of every year.

Vanessa: What kind of flavors?

PB: Whatever flavor we wanted to.

Vanessa: What was your favorite?

PB: Oftentimes chocolate.

Vanessa: Yeah?

PB: And vanilla.

Vanessa: And you liked it?

PB: It was great.

Vanessa: Even though you don’t love sweets?

PB: Yeah.

Vanessa: Okay, wow!

PB: I mean, it was just cream and sugar and a little salt. It was just the purest of ingredients and I made it with my own hands.

Vanessa: You love making things with your own hands.

PB: I do!

Vanessa: Should we get an ice cream maker?

PB: No.

Vanessa: Oh, okay. Wow.

PB: Maybe when we have kids.

Vanessa: Okay. You said no swiftly.

PB: We have too much stuff already.

Vanessa: That’s fair. Specifically in the kitchen?

PB: Yes.

Vanessa: Okay.

PB: Well, it wouldn’t fit in the kitchen. It’s huge.

Vanessa: Oh!

PB: Yeah.

Vanessa: I was picturing it as Kitchen Aid size.

PB: No, it’s more like five gallon bucket size.

Vanessa: Oh shit. Okay. When we have a house with a yard and some children.

PB: Yes.

Vanessa: Great. Okay. Speaking of where we live, did moving in together shift anything for you in our relationship, either in a good way or a bad way?

PB: We play more video games together now.

Vanessa: That’s true.

PB: Yes. I like that.

Vanessa: I know you do. So, that would be a good thing?

PB: Yes.

Vanessa: Okay. Anything else?

PB: No, that’s it.

Vanessa: How do you feel about dating someone who writes about her life in public?

PB: Pretty chill.

Vanessa: Yeah?

PB: Yeah. Yeah. I’ve always wanted to be a celesbian.

Vanessa: Here you are, baby.

PB: Yeah!

Vanessa: What do you think is the hottest thing about me today?

PB: Today?

Vanessa: Yeah. She’s giving me a once over.

PB: I like your dress.

Vanessa: You do?

PB: Yeah. And I bet you’re not wearing underwear.

Vanessa: I’m not!

PB: I knew it. That’s a hot thing about you today.

Vanessa: That I’m not wearing any underwear?

PB: Yeah.

Vanessa: Hot. What do you think I think is the hottest thing about you?

PB: When I wear my hair down.

Vanessa: Yeah, you are really hot when you wear your hair down, but that’s not the hottest thing about you, babe.

PB: Oh. My face?

Vanessa: Your everything.

PB: You can’t say your everything. That’s not an answer.

Vanessa: Well, you just giggled nervously, and I want to put that on the record, in a very cute little sweet way. Do you think this thing on the ceiling is a bug?

PB: No.

Vanessa: Okay. I have definitely asked you that before, so that’s not for the interview.

PB: Yeah. You ask me that daily.

Vanessa: I love checking with you if things are bugs or not.

PB: Yeah, you do.

Vanessa: We coined the phrase time travel together to describe how it felt when we were falling in love.

PB: Yes.

Vanessa: And then I wrote an essay about it.

PB: Yes.

Vanessa: What does it mean to you? If you were to write an essay called We Call It Time Travel, what’s it all about?

PB: I would probably write it in a more psychedelic, time is not linear, acid trip kind of a vibe. You know how in dreams when you try to describe it to someone, it doesn’t make any sense, and then… But you’re like, “I know it doesn’t make sense, but it did make sense in the dream. And that’s just how it happened, so that’s how I’m going to tell you about it.” That’s what it would be like.

Vanessa: I like that. Now I want to read you your essay.

PB: Well, I haven’t written it yet.

Vanessa: Well, I’d like it on my desk by next Monday. The writing prompts are coming back.

PB: Oh boy.

Vanessa: What have we not done yet during sex that you’re excited to do in the future?

PB: Outdoor sex.

Vanessa: Outdoor sex?

PB: Yeah.

Vanessa: Yeah. Beltane was really tame this year.

PB: I know.

Vanessa: Alas.

PB: Yeah.

Vanessa: We’ll just have to make our own outdoor sex orgy.

PB: Yeah. Or just have sex outside in a forest.

Vanessa: Yes.

PB: Yeah. It just hasn’t been warm enough yet.

Vanessa: That’s true.

PB: Yeah.

Vanessa: We had a prelude with the nettles.

PB: Yeah. Yeah.

Vanessa: I mean a gentle prelude.

PB: Yeah. Right.

Vanessa: Are you feeling shy?

PB: No, that just wasn’t sex.

Vanessa: It’s true.

PB: Yeah.

Vanessa: You were making a cute face.

PB: Thanks.

Vanessa: Okay. Even more intimate than that question…

PB: Oh boy.

Vanessa: We both want to have kids. Have you thought about what you want to name our kids?

PB: Oh, cute. Well, Honey Borage.

Vanessa: Well, yes, that will be our fur child.

PB: Yes. Yeah. I have thought about this one, but I can’t remember—

Vanessa: It’s possible my tampon is coming out of my body right now.

PB: You want me to pull it out?

Vanessa: With your teeth?

PB: No, I’m driving.

Vanessa: Oh. Then no thanks.

PB: Okay. I don’t know.

Vanessa: Okay. Haven’t given it too much thought, don’t have any strong—

PB: No, I did have a very good idea at one point and then I can’t remember it.

Vanessa: Lost it. Okay.

PB: Lost it.

Vanessa: Okay.

PB: Oak!

Vanessa: We are driving past a truck that says Oak Harbor Freight Lines.

PB: Yeah. Oak would be a really cute name, though.

Vanessa: Oak would be a cute name. I agree. But then our kid’s going to be like, “How did you pick my name?” And we’re going to have to tell them—

PB: From a truck. But oak trees are really beautiful.

Vanessa: That’s true. That’s true. We could lie to our child.

PB: No, we can’t. We don’t lie.

Vanessa: We don’t lie, that’s true. That’s one of our main things.

PB: We’ll probably lie to our child.

Vanessa: Occasionally when it… Well, we can hash this out before we give birth.

PB: I think we’ll have to take it day by day, babe.

Vanessa: Okay. Okay. It reminds me of that musical podcast you had me listen to.

PB: Yeah.

Vanessa: Okay, babe. We’re coming near to the end of our questions. We’ve been talking for 25 minutes!

PB: That’s quite a while.

Vanessa: Yes. I wonder what Zucchini has to say.

PB: Zucchini?

Vanessa: He’s stoic.

PB: He says nothing.

Vanessa: All right, my love. What are some things I could ask you right now that you would not answer?

PB: I don’t know.

Vanessa: Barb said I should ask you about finances.

PB: Okay.

Vanessa: I know. I was like, “She’d be down. Nothing phases her.” And Barb was like, “Everybody’s phased by something.” And I was like, “Have you met her?”

PB: I’m down to talk finances.

Vanessa: There’s nothing I would ask you right now that you wouldn’t answer?

PB: I don’t know. If you were like, “What’s your least favorite part about your mom?” I’d be like, “Nothing. She’s perfect.”

Vanessa: And also that’s an unhinged question to ask.

PB: Right. Exactly.

Vanessa: Right, right, right. Okay. Is there anything that if I asked you wouldn’t answer on the internet that you would answer in private? Obviously nothing negative about your mom, Jesus.

PB: Nothing negative about my mom. I don’t know.

Vanessa: I guess I am trying to get at the idea of the walls of the internet that we were talking about. We frequently talk about boundaries and oversharing on the internet, and how I’ve worked to become better at not crossing my own boundaries…

PB: Yeah. I don’t really have that in a codified way like you, because I don’t have to practice it.

Vanessa: Right. But you do share markedly less of your life on the internet than I do.

PB: Yeah, but not because I have walls, but because I just don’t care.

Vanessa: I wonder what that’s like.

PB: Yeah.

Vanessa: I guess that’s what my novel’s about.

PB: Literally the only things I post on Instagram are things that I repost from you.

Vanessa: I know. I love when you do that.

PB: I do it all the time. But that’s the only thing I post.

Vanessa: I know.

PB: There’s plenty of other things I could post, but that would take effort and I don’t care.

Vanessa: And you said when we started dating, you started watching my story, even though you didn’t watch anyone else’s story because you knew it was important to me.

PB: Yeah.

Vanessa: Do you still only watch my story on some days?

PB: Yeah. I don’t watch anyone else’s.

Vanessa: You literally log onto Instagram and watch my story and then you move on with your day?

PB: Yeah.

Vanessa: Babe, that’s romantic.

PB: Thanks.

Vanessa: I really love you.

PB: It’s true love, baby.

Vanessa: All right, babe. You’ve made it to the end and your reward is, do you want an opportunity to ask me any questions?

PB: Yes.

Vanessa: Now is your chance.

PB: Okay. Shit, I had one earlier today that I was like, “I know I’m going to be able to ask her something. This is what I want to ask.” There was something earlier that I said, “Tell me more about that.” What was it? Oh, you’ve had negative experiences around partners packing your bags.

Vanessa: Yeah.

PB: Tell me more about that.

Vanessa: Okay. Well, earlier today, as we were getting ready to leave, I was still working and you were done. And so I was like, “Will you pack up the room except for my bag and pack up the car?” And you very kindly were like, “Yes.” And then you came to me and you were like, “Do you strongly feel like you don’t want me to pack up your bag?” And I was done working, and I was like, “Yeah, because first of all, I’m done working. And also I’ve had negative experiences with partners packing up my bag.” And you said, “Tell me more about that.”

PB: Yes, and you didn’t.

Vanessa: No, I did not. But I shall now. I am very particular, and often when packing and unpacking, it seems chaotic, but there’s a huge method to the madness. And in order to make sure that I haven’t forgotten anything and that everything is easily maneuvered, I like to have things just so. The sex toys go in the sex toy bag and my dirty clothes go in the little plastic bag. And then I have to double check the plastic bag to make sure there’s underwear in there so that I know I didn’t forget my underwear. And I haven’t packed up my toiletries from the bathroom yet, so if you take my duffle bag to the car, then what? I’m carrying fucking six different little shampoo bottles and god knows what else from the bathroom in my hands? No, just let me get it all together! And I’ve had a few exes who have really rushed me and like, made me feel stupid for wanting to be specific about my packing process, and it really stressed me out! That’s where that comes from, babe.

PB: Great.

Vanessa: Just wanting some autonomy over my stuff.

PB: Yeah. Have at it, baby. Cool.

Vanessa: I guess it’s not really juicy. It was just me being frustrated.

PB: Yeah.

Vanessa: Yeah. Maybe I’ll edit that part so it’s less boring.

PB: Baggage about baggage. She’s got it.

Vanessa: She’s got it. Okay. No other questions? That’s the only thing you wanted to know?

PB: Yeah.

Vanessa: Wow. I’m kind of disappointed.

PB: I’m a simple woman.

Vanessa: Me too.

PB: Yes. *An Imperfect Food truck drives by.* Oh look, I forgot to do our Imperfect Foods order.

Vanessa: Fuck, does that mean they’re just sending us something?

PB: Yeah.

Vanessa: I thought you were pointing because you wanted to name our other child Imperfect.

PB: No, that would be extremely rude. Oak and Imperfect. Here are our two children, Oak and Imperfect.

Vanessa: Oh my god. PB, Vanessa, Oak and Imperfect, Zucchini and Honey Borage.

PB: Yeah.

Vanessa: The Friedmans.

PB: Yes.

Vanessa: Wow.

PB: Beautiful.

Vanessa: Wow. I really think my tampon is potentially leaking.

PB: Yeah?

Vanessa: All right. Should we call it?

PB: Yeah.

Vanessa: Thank you for doing this, babe.

PB: You’re welcome, babe.

Vanessa: I love you.

PB: I love you.

Vanessa: Boom.

PB: I wonder what we got for our Imperfect box.