Tess stumbles out of the venue, Finley chasing after her.
Lesbian Squabble #23: Let It Go, Let It Go!
In the Ring: Finley vs. Tess
Content: Finley says she knows what Tess is feeling. Tess says no she doesn’t! Finley suggests they just go to a meeting. Tess doesn’t wanna go to a meeting. She doesn’t wanna be sober. She just wants to have fun with her friends! Finley says “this isn’t you” and tells Tess they can just fuck this wedding and she’ll take Tess home. Tess says through visible tears that she is happy. Our favorite B-plot villain from a Lifetime movie based on a true story pulls up in his cocaine-filled car. Tess gets in. Finley screams at her not to go. Tess says, “Finley, you have to let me go.” Finley literally grabs onto this little stolen topless car for dear life and Tess just guns it, screaming “Bye, Finley!” as she rolls off.
Who Wins? Everybody loses! But especially Tess and especially Finley.
Back at the venue, our closest gay friends are eyeing the massacred cake, their heads all tilted to the side in a blessedly comedic moment of cuteness, all the OGs together!
Shane apologizes for ruining the wedding. Bette says it’s not her fault. Alice says, “look, we’ve all done worse.” I’m not sure if she means they’ve done worse than Tess or if they’ve done worse than Shane, but either way? Let’s take a deeper look at the evidence here.
On a scale of one to ten — ten being “interrupting the wedding processional by yelling at your ex, knocking over the cake and then sailing off into the sunset with a man named Denver while Finley stands on the side of the road in a deep, throbbing panic” and one being “Tina is a little bit warm today” —
First up: Shane left Carmen at the altar. 10.
Secondly: Alice slept with a vampire. This gets a negative 10 with me, as I’d argue Alice’s vampire sex is actually the gold standard for the best possible move a person can make at any given moment.
Thirdly: Tina left Bette for Carrie. I’m not sure where to place this because I love Carrie, but in general leaving your wife for someone else is not a great move, so I will give it a 5.
Fourthly: Bette had sex with Candace in jail. Technically, they just had like, out-loud phone sex, but regardless, again, we are talking about an objectively hot event, although I was concerned about the germs on the walls of that cell when Bette was pressing her cheek against it, describing precisely how she would be lying on top of Candace. However this was cheating when Tina had just had a miscarriage so I will give it a 9.
Anyhow, now that we’ve addressed our tresspasses, let’s get this show on the road!
It’s now night-time but luckily Showtime took a bunch of episodic stills while it was still daytime so now there is no photography. Angie is a very cute flower girl:
All the extras smile at Bette and Tina as they walk down the aisle. I confirm that unfortunately Helena Peabody has not flown in for this event, nor has her mother Peggy.
Angie, Shane and Alice smile at Bette & Tina as they approach the front of the room.
Now we have gathered here today to re-marry Bette and Tina, who met in an art gallery in 1997 when Bette had a very severe bob and Tina had really let loose with her curling wand and now are here today, having spent the afternoon locked in a refrigerator and having had their initial journey down the pathway to matrimony destroyed by an unnecessary relapse storyline!
First up we have Tina’s vows:
Tina: Bette Porter, you are everything to me. Your fierce passion inspires all of us to stand boldly in our convictions and fight for each other when no one else will and to love with everything we have. Bette you are my first, my second, and my third love and today I vow that you will be my last.
This seems like a good intro to a sword fight but instead it’s Bette’s turn!
Bette: From the moment we met my soul has burned brighter because of you. You are the sun at the center of my universe. You are my home. Thank you for your warmth, your wisdom and your steadiness. Thank you for Angie. And thank you for loving me. And I vow to love and care for you for the rest of our days with all that I am.
They exchange rings. The music kicks in hard. Alice declares them married thanks to the internet! Finley sees Sophie with Pippa and feels sad and so do I because Finley’s been sidelined for the last two episodes and what if it all ends here?
Everyone blows bubbles!
Everyone claps!!
Ilene Chaiken is here!!! So is White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre!!! I would like to say that it absolutely fucking tracks that Bette would be friends with Karine, so a tip of the hat to whomstever wrangled her into this episode.
I’m personally incredibly stressed about how little time remains for my storylines to proceed in the exact direction I’d like them to when Alice spots Tasha on her way out and makes a run for it, stopping her with what Tasha has (apparently?) wanted all this time: an apology.
“I don’t know if this is really gonna make a difference at this point but I need you to hear something,” Alice tells her. “When I lost Dana, it really did almost kill me. And I did make my life really really busy so I wouldn’t have to think about her, so I get why you left.”
I’m not sure this is what the writers had in mind at the time — and I wish they’d integrated it more into the original series, how grief really becomes you — but as I said before, it’s a believable ret-con.
“Thank you, and you’re right, about you getting famous,” Tasha says. “You know it all just moved a little too fast for me and you know, I’m just not from that world—”
“Of course,” Alice nods. “I get it. I know.”
“Well do you wanna dance? Do you have like, a fire to put out or anything?” Alice asks and then! And then! Tasha laughs! DID YOU REMEMBER TASHA’S LAUGH!
The dance floor is throbbing with reunited love — Bette and Tina in their suits and Alice and Tasha in my hearts. Off to the side, Angie rejects Shane’s dance invitation to give Bella a call and apologize. This is when I looked at the timecode to see the likelihood of an Angie/Bella moment before close of business and my chances were not looking good!
Roxy tells Dani that that condo in Echo Park — she’s not just subletting or renting it month-to-month or a year, she bought that sucker. So it’s real. If Dani wants to jump into this then Roxy’s here for her and truly this chaotic union has no chance of lasting beyond the length of a traditional lease but here we go!
Finley apologizes to Shane for yelling at her on Halloween, which’s great, ’cause that fight was bananas — but the reason she gives is that “apparently there was a lot going on with Tess that I didn’t know about,” which is… what? Shane asks Finley to dance because it’s the season for dancing!
Bette and Tina’s intent to ditch their own party and return to the hotel room to have sex with their bras on is foiled by Pippa and Sophie’s prior hot-wiring of the ceremonial golf cart. That’s okay though, they’re happy to walk! Together! As wives!
Speaking of Sophie and Pippa, they kiss and Sophie suggests getting a room and Pippa suggests they instead accept that anticipation is the purest form of pleasure.
We return to Roxy and Dani, who are making out when a voice interrupts them — “Dani.”
Dani and Roxy break apart and turn and look and there’s Dre, looking SO CUTE IN THEIR SUIT! I can’t even look at this picture it makes me so sad I want to cry!
Speaking of things ending on a cliffhanger that I didn’t particularly care for, Finley gets a call from Tess’s phone but it’s not Tess, it’s The Los Angeles Police Department, because if there’s anything this show needs, it’s another interaction via telephone with the LAPD. At the end we’ll all be asked to dial 911 to find out if she show’s being renewed. Anyhow, they ask for Sarah Finley and say they’re calling about Tess Van Der Berg.
I think we deserved better and these characters and these actors and these stories deserved better.
Bette asks Tina if today was everything she dreamed it’d be and Tina says, yes it was perfect. “I hope our friends get to feel this someday,” Bette says.
“Me too,” says Tina. “They deserve it.”
And I can go, I can go anywhere.
But no other love can take me there. 🎵
The Roundup:
Lesbian Sexy Moments: 1 this episode, 7 all season
Squabbles: 4 this episode, 23 all season
Quote of the Week:Â Tasha’s laugh
Well folks, that’s all they wrote and thus it is all I wrote! Rest assured, I have been tracking the seasons’ timeline and would like to confirm that the events of this episode do conclude approximately 7-10 days prior to the Christmas holiday, which means there is still a chance for me, Riese, to be hired by a benevolent overlord at Paramount and given the chance to execute my dream project: The L Word Christmas Special.
Finally, did you know that putting together this recap takes around 25 hours minimum a week, on top of all the other 40+ hours a week of responsibilities I have in this job as CEO/CFO of Autostraddle.com? It involves screencapping an hour-long show, two days of writing and editing the entire episode recap, and many additional hours of writing alt-text and captions for 50 or so screencaps and making graphics and then responding to as many comments as possible. Then there’s the podcast, which is a whole other giant chunk of time! I got this screener on Wednesday at 5pm and have spent every available hour since that moment working on this recap or the podcast, which’s why it went up so late — it takes a long-ass time!
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In conclusion: thank you so much for watching this show with me, for telling me how funny I am, and for reminding me how much I love talking about television on the internet. I’ve loved gathering here with all of you every week and I really hope this isn’t our last chance to do so!
