Welcome to the tenth recap of the third season of The L Word: Generation Q, brought to you by the same network that brought you the original L Word, a show about speaking the language of the manatees, high-stakes lesbian poker, pounding painkillers while your boss does a chemical peel, having sex with vampires, the bitter rivalry between a queer cafe noted for its Pear Polenta Tart and a nightclub with bubble chairs, brownies that might be gay, horse girls, a hybrid skate park/hair salon that also sold vests to gig in, men named Tom, installation art about core values, a philandering self-help guru peddling T.O.E., Eros the Bittersweet, the Lez Girls negative and the world’s most iconic garbage bag dress.

My friends, we have at last come to this Generation Q recap of Episode 310, “Looking Ahead,” the final episode of the season but also possibly the final episode of the entire series if the show is cancelled. “Looking Ahead” marked Leisha Hailey’s directorial debut and she killed it — you could feel her touch in so many of the more subtle cute friendship moments and comedic beats throughout the episode.

I did enjoy so much of this episode! But there were two storylines in this episode that I HATED and I bet you can guess what they were!

Usually I write these recaps beat by beat, not spoiling what comes next in my descriptions of what came first. Today I’m gonna be doing things a little differently — my recap of each scene will take into account what I already know from seeing the whole thing. Because I can’t figure out how to say what I need to say if I save every piece of commentary I possess until the entire storyline has played out!


We open on the most important moment in a young woman’s life: Bette and Tina’s wedding day. Faced with an artificial time constraint of one (1) week in which to coordinate the whole kit and kaboodle, our affluent couple has elected to make their dreams work through teamwork! Also, someone hired a crew of dapper gay minions right out of the Hedley & Bennet catalog. Luckily Alice totally knows what she’s doing:

Alice saying "I don't know about weddings"
Pull up Season Two Episode One of this show and you’ll get a rough idea of the kinds of weddings I usually attend

Currently, Alice is unable to locate the wedding planner! This is because Shane located Kimmy the wedding planner and then located her clitoris and yep, Shane and Kimmy are delivering Lesbian Sexy Moment #7 because let’s not waste any time we’re all gonna die one day and what’s a little bumper.

Shane fucking the wedding planner
Ok ok I’m breathing deeply now just pull on the stem off the cup with your forefinger and thumb

Honestly pleased to have any sex scene at all, but it would’ve been a much richer story if Shane’s sex scene this episode had been with a former flame who’d been invited to the wedding — a narrative could’ve been quickly concocted to justify the invitation of someone like Molly or Quiara or Ivy or even Nikki Stevens (who perhaps is currently starring in Tina’s show Murdoch Mysteries).

Other sex scenes that could’ve happened this episode with already-present characters to provide heat as well as story:

  • Dani and Roxy
  • Sophie and Finley
  • Sophie and Pippa
  • Alice and Tasha
  • Bette and Tina, because after all it is their actual wedding day

Elsewhere in this expansive wedding estate, Bette Porter is improbably applying her own makeup for a special event while Tina boils beneath her silk shirt like a slab of fresh meat on a charcoal grill. Bette suggests Tina could possibly be having a hot flash but Tina disagrees!

Bette looking at Tina
You know, Brittany and Santana got married in a barn in Indiana that didn’t even have air conditioning
Tina uncomfortable on the porch in a green silk shirt
Who?

Alice drops in to announce that the cake is here and therefore her job is done and also to receive compliments on her dress which I would like to personally echo:

Alice checking out her dress in the mirror
“See it’s got two sides, one for cancelled and one for renewed.”

But Bette and Tina remind Alice that getting alcohol was also Alice’s job and while Tina continues obsessing about the temperature, Alice and Bette lip sync for their lives about whether or not Alice was ever truly assigned alcohol and the importance of her acquiring some regardless.

Bette angry at Alice
I wanna see your best Tyrannosaurus Rex impression and I want to see it now!!!!

Alice gesticulating at Bette

Thus Alice finds Shane roaming the festival grounds while re-dressing herself and says the only solution to this alcohol problem  — despite all of us living in a world dotted with BevMos and Costcos and Hi-Los — is for Shane to call Tess. Also, Shane’s only duty for the wedding was “doing their hair” but Alice quickly observes that Shane not only did their hair but also very clearly did the wedding planner.

Alice and SHane talking
Okay well if I’m the Antoni of this wedding and you’re the Jonathan then where the fuck is our Bobby Berk

So we cut to hungover Tess in her shades with her Gatorade, creeping into the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern like a celebrity on a downward spiral.

Tess in sunglasses slumbering in to work
Don’t talk to me ’til I’ve had my coffee

Finley bops in and announces that she’s moved into a roach-infested sublet with a non-functional stove, which inspires Tess to realize she’s gotta get all new furniture for her apartment, a realization which sends her into an immediate tizzy.

Finley sitting on the couch thinking
I mean now that you mention there is a vague gassy smell coming from the broken oven and I have been getting headaches but probs it’s no biggie

Finley embraces Tess and is like fuck shane and Tess is like you don’t have to say that, I know that you love her and Finley is like no i love you and then ring-a-ling it’s Shane on the horn!


Back at Bette and Tina: Endgame Infinity War, Dani and Sophie are looking absolutely smashing and Sophie questions Dani’s choice to “ghost” Dre following Dre’s Love Confession, which’s confusing ’cause Dre was the one who told Dani they wanted to call it off? Was that just a move or am I simply failing to understand this order of events ’cause Dre severing the relationship on account of Dani not being ready to say “I love you” after two weeks didn’t make sense to begin with?

Anyhow! It turns out this extraordinary venue has been brought to you by the apparently wealthy family of Roxy! I’m pleased to see Roxy ’cause she’s hot and also it’s always thrilling when something from a prior episode remains relevant in a later episode. However, I’m displeased to hear the nickname “D-Bag” uttered aloud again, as linguistically it resides far too close to “douchebag” for my comfort.

Sophie, Roxy and Dani talking at the wedding
Both of you ought to know that douching upsets your vagina’s delicate Ph and can cause a yeast infection!

We lay the seeds for the night’s chaos: Sophie’s looking to get laid and hasn’t spoken to Alice since pulling off the finale coup. Roxy’s got molly for Dani who claims molly “doesn’t work on her.” So it’s definitely gonna work on her. So excited for the love triangle between Roxy, Dani and Molly!


Elsewhere on Roxy’s Prodigious Family Estate, Bette’s found a solution to Tina turning into a one-woman space heater: the walk-in fridge! We then receive the reckoning with the past I’ve personally been craving — they were indeed previously married, just as I noted in last week’s recap despite it not being mentioned all season! Anyhow, I guess their first wedding was a City Hall affair. This time’s different. It’s for their friends and by “their friends” they mean “us.’

Tina: “They have been on this very long journey with us and I want them to see us happy, like this.”
Bette: “Okay, when you put it that way — okay yes. I want that for them too.”

Bette with her hands up
So what I’m envisioning for over the fireplace is a oil portrait of you when you were pregnant with Angie and were always wearing blankets as shirts—
Tina holding her hands to her chest
Okay so far I love this!

Now that Tina’s cooled off and is ready to exit, they reach for the door only to have it break off in their hands, just like hope itself. Now they’re stuck, so


Back on the festival grounds, Alice is thanking G-d for Tess while I am preemptively cursing G-d for putting Tess in this episode at all if they were gonna do her so dirty! Sophie approaches Alice for a little chat and it’s pretty funny and cute — Alice is a little irked but the network loved the finale and they wanna promote Sophie! Sophie nudges her, “are we good?” and Alice nudges back and I love this for them.

Sophie nudging Alice
C’mon admit it you’ve always been a little bit curious about what it would be like if we kissed

Alice spots someone she knows and dashes while Sophie keeps talking until she realizes she’s simply talking to herself but it turns out someone at this party was listening, and it’s not the U.S. government:

Pippa smiling at Sophie
Hello stranger
Sophie looking back at Pippa
Good golly I’m glad I’m not on molly

It’s Pippa! She’s back, I’m so surprised and excited!!! Pippa tells Sophie that her goal of getting laid at a wedding is achievable but before we can get into why that goal will be achieved with Pippa specifically, Finley rolls up with a box of alcohol and an interest in getting her toaster back, although ownership of the toaster is contentious.

Sophie and Finley are low-level flirty with each other in that way you can’t help being when you’ve never been any other way for so long — but it feels here and throughout the episode like there’s more distance between them than there ought to be, and while I’m proud of Finley for moving on it feels a little too easy. I adore the Pippa/Sophie ship, but I also wish we’d gotten more time with these two and I don’t think their story is over unless of course this show is cancelled.

Finley talking to Sophie about her toaster
Actually I did watch “Fleishman is in Trouble” and that is how I got the idea to claim this toaster as my own so thank you for the recommendation and for your Hulu login

We then return to SoMiMar’s where a vat of sperm has arrived. “Can you believe that? It goes from a canister to a baby in nine months?” Micah asks.

“I cannot,” I yell at the skies. “Because with at at-home insemination there is only a 10%-15% chance of this sperm becoming an actual fetus, let alone an actual baby!”

Micah carrying a tank
Wanna suck all the helium out of this tank and sing Christmas Carols like Alvin and the Chipmunks
Maribel looking at Micah
Do I ever

Maribel and Micah are fantasizing about their future with the un-conceived baby they are 100% certain will be hatched out of this sperm no problem, and Micah extracts the sperm from the tank like it’s a bottle of sunscreen they just ordered from Amazon Prime. Is Maribel ovulating? Are they doing this right here right now in the dining room? 

All of that aside, the warmth and humor between these two in this scene is so delightful, especially considering what comes next.

Micah opens the insemination kit with wonder and confusion, an emotion I relate to because I am confused why they haven’t been briefed on this process prior to the kit’s arrival and gone over it with their doctor.

Micah unpacking the insemination kit
Wow this HEMNES cabinet looks like a much more complicated build than the BILLYs we just got rid of

We then return to the resplendent grounds of this magical vista hosting Bette and Tina: The Fate of the Furious. Tess is smoldering around the bar dressed like Jessica Rabbit in winter. Shane apologizes for calling her in last minute. Tess says she’s happy to help. Sexual tension simmers. Tess smiles. Shane tentatively compliments her.

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Tess cocking her head coyly at SHane
Whaddya say we skip out on this little bruhaha and drive east until we hit our first Skyline Chili and then just settle in for the night
Shane looking at Tess
I would really enjoy a sour cream potato

“You clean up nice,” Tess tells her.

“You always clean up nice,” Shane says. Okay Scrub Daddy!

Once Shane’s a safe distance away, Tess dips beneath the bar to chug a mini-bottle of wine, catching the attention of a man I can best describe as Clark Kent’s body double from The CW’s Smallville.

man looking at Tess
Hi, I’m a man
Tess sizing up this man
I am going to use you for drugs so hard you will forget your own shoe size

Tess seduces this former Abercombie & Fitch model into taking her to his car to consume a truly wild amount of cocaine. Apparently a cute Alice/Shane scene was cut from the episode and yet this scene for some reason exists! Furthermore, episode stills suggest a Finley/Dani/Roxy scene was also filmed but eliminated from the final cut! And yet!

Unfortunately I am once again finding myself praying for a merciful release from my mortal coils.


Back at Walk in Fridge: Escape Room Edition, I’m having flashbacks to pounding cannolli cream from a tube in the walk-in at the Macaroni Grill while waiting for the sweat in the armpits of my white oxford uniform shirt to dry. Was I ever so young??? 

Tina wrapping a cardigan around her body in the cold
Ohhh look at me I’m just a little old lady stuck in the fridge oohhh I’m so cold

Bette’s prepared Tina a small charcuterie board but Tina’s not excited about this opportunity to explore the world’s mot valuable culinary art. (Charcuterie boards.) Bette’s posi vibes are bringing Tina down! But before we can dive to deeply into that, look who’s here: it’s Shane and Alice!

Alice and Shane looking into the windo
Okay what weird sex game are you guys playing in here
Tina and Bette leaning out the freezer window
TINA JUST FIT THIS WHOLE ENTIRE THING UP MY ASSHOLE

But when Shane and Alice try to open the door, they somehow break the outside door handle? This is not how walk-in freezer handles work but regardless, they disregard the idea to break the window with a mallet, like Thor of Asgard or simply a handy dyke would’ve done in a heartbeat, and instead they’re gonna call this season’s hottest number: 911.

“Fire department” is absolutely not the correct fix here and there’s a 0% chance the fire department would intervene in this case, but am allowing it because Tasha is in the fire department.

Meanwhile, Tina’s at a breaking point with The New Bette Porter — and what ensues feels so real and touching:

Tina: “I just hate your positivity! Don’t be so positive right now.”
Bette: “Do you want me to say it’s a disaster? Of course it’s a disaster. We’re stuck in a fridge on our wedding day. But you know what I’m not gonna do? I’m not gonna start yelling about it.”
Tina: “Well why not? That would be a perfectly reasonable thing to do!”
Bette: “Because I have tried really hard to quiet those parts of me so I wouldn’t hurt you and I am afraid that if I let them out and then I won’t be able to shut them back inside.”

Tina assures Bette that just like all of us at home, she loves the part of Bette that yells at motorists and board members and senators and Jenny Schecter! She loves the part of Bette who famously screams her very own name (Tina) into the void! Because she loves every part of Bette!

Tina talking to Bette
Remember that time you called me for emotional support but then went off on a tangent about “my buddy” Helena Peabody and how she was a ‘fucking dragon” who made your life “a living hell”
Bette talking to Tina out of the corner of her mouth
Uh-huh but I’m not sure where you’re going with this…

So, when the fire department delivers a vague timeline on when they can make it to the Resplendent Wedding Venue, Bette reaches deep inside herself and lets it rip:

Bette: ALICE! CALL TASHA RIGHT NOW AND GET US THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BECAUSE I AM GOING TO MARRY THE LOVE OF MY LIFE TODAY IF IT’S THE LAST FUCKING THING I DO!

Tina is smitten. I tear up. I love this for everyone involved, but especially me because I also want Alice to call Tasha right now! Except for different reasons. (So they can be together forever)


Back on the festival grounds, Dani’s eating a floral decoration while leaving Dre a voice mail that contains sentiments including “of course I want you to come” and “I love you” and “I love you” and “I love you.”

Dani eating flowers while leaving a voicemail
The taste, the feel of cotton, the fabric of our lives

Alice gets on the mike and announces that Bette & Tina are stuck in a fridge and encourages the crowd to enjoy the open bar!

Alice on the mike
Women, am I right fellas? Am I Right?
Dani sucking on her lollipop with Roxy and Sophie
Amen sister!

Dani decides to enjoy her drugs by letting go on the dance floor of her mind and it’s just so absolutely and completely fun? While I continue side-eyeing this show’s absolutely bonkers position on drugs and alcohol, it’s been a delight to see Dani keep opening up and discovering more of herself this season. (That said, I’d give it all up for Gigi!)

Pippa then saunters by their general vicinity, dropping a “nice meeting you Sophie Suarez” as she goes. Dani and Roxy encourage Sophie to get it, but first Dani fills Sophie in — Pippa’s an incredible artist who thinks Dani is the devil but Dani is obsessed with her and also Pippa used to date Bette Porter.

Pippa walking by Sophie and Dani and Roxy
Yoo hoo the most interesting person at this party is on her way out the door!

“Go have fun!” Dani enthuses. “Fun is super fun!” Sophie beelines for Pippa and Dani immediately starts crying and turns to Roxy: “I just love Sophie! I never thought we’d be friends again but we are!” It’s adorable.

Sophie and Pippa’s banter is perfection? Pippa admitting she’s not devastated to hear her ex is locked in a fridge and Sophie saying “this is a level of petty I aspire to”? Consenting to steal the golf cart, driving off the grounds to go flirt more somewhere else? I knew it’d take a lot to get me off my Sinley train for even one stop and I guess this is the “a lot” I was seeking!!


Bad news; Angie’s brought Hendrix Fitz to the wedding as a personal attack on me. Her Moms spy him through their tiny window to the world and are upset, but Angie’s certain they just need to get to know him better! Bette is certain there’s nothing to discuss if he doesn’t want to acknowledge the power dynamics of the relationship!

Angie vs Hendrix

Squabble #19: Concrete Jungle Where Dreams Are Made Of?
In the Ring: Hendrix vs Angie

Content: Hendrix Fitz is a big idiot dummy who’s moving to New York City ’cause one (1) publisher is vaguely interested in his work, which doesn’t make sense at all on any level in the history of levels, but he failed to tell Angie this in time for him to be excluded from this episode and replaced by Bella, as per my pre-stated preference on the dietary restrictions portion of the wedding RSVP. So they finally break up thank G-d, get this man out of my show!!!!!

Who Wins? Bette and Tina, but Angie demands they refrain from an “I told you so.”


We then return to Maribel and Micah’s. Micah’s freaking out. The show has decided that this is the moment and this is the manner in which we are going to address how Maribel’s disability intersects with her pregnancy. Except not really! We’re just going to have Micah and Maribel tear each other’s hearts out!

Micah vs Maribel

Squabble #20: Baby Talk
In the Ring: Micah vs. Maribel

Content: Micah asks what’ll happen if Maribel dies in childbirth or after childbirth, a possibility he’s apparently unclear on because he “doesn’t know a lot about her disability yet.” As someone who has simply causally googled this topic, there are a lot of complications specific to pregnant people with muscular dystrophy but “death during childbirth” is not one of them! Anyhow, Maribel bristles at the suggestion. He then brings up one true thing, which’s that pregnancy could be hard on her heart and labor could be hard on her body.

Micah: “The heart is a muscle. Labor is intense.”
Maribel: “I can handle it.”
Micah: “I wanna talk about what happens if you can’t!”
Maribel: “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

Who Wins? It’s not over! But nobody is going to win, just FYI.

Luckily for all of us here, I have a lot to say about this story! So buckle up!

There’s two ways we tend to analyze stories like this: at the story level, obviously (how it functions for these characters in this narrative) and how it fares as representation of marginalized identities. The latter isn’t always the most pressing angle to address, but in this case, it is — because TLWGQ has been so deliberate and often self-congratulatory about its representational achievements and specifically about its improved representation of trans people. When it comes to offering compelling, nuanced  representation of a Latinx woman with a disability and an Asian-American trans man, this story fails and will be serving an extended sentence. And putting this fight in this episode — saddling these two characters with a painful and incoherent argument while the rest of the cast is enjoying the festive, love-filled culmination of all those #tibetteisendgame billboards (except Tess, of course, one of three trans actors who find themselves suffering by the end of the episode) — absolutely not! Digging into the ways in which pregnancy and child-rearing will be different for Maribel in an affirming environment could be a great step for representation: acknowledging that different types of bodies handle pregnancy differently for all kinds of reasons and that’s okay and fine and beautiful! Answers to Micah’s question about labor exist! One of them is “a C-section”!

From a story level? It’s sloppy at best. On the upside, it tracks: Maribel is stubborn and sometimes a little mean, and Micah is often hesitant to broach tough topics. It’s reasonable that Micah would fear saying anything ever that’d make Maribel feel like he was hyper-focused on her disability, especially as a trans man of color who also finds others fixated on those identities rather than his full humanity. On the downside, the timing of this argument is baffling, especially as Maribel does suggest they’ve visited a doctor already, and the doctor absolutely would’ve gone through the potential risks and complications with them in that visit. And Micah’s fixation on Mari potentially dying during childbirth is arguably dangerous to even include in this fight, as it’s a largely unfounded fear, seemingly prioritized because of its dramatics instead of its scientific accuracy. I wish Mari was at least given a line to debunk it.

We don’t know much about the ableism Maribel’s experienced in her life and how it’s shaped her relationship to her body or to medical doctors but it’s easy to come up with some ways to fill that void to get us here.

Like this: she’s always dreamed of having kids but doctors have always discouraged her from doing so and therefore she avoided doctors in this process. Micah reads stuff online that concerns him and stuff that indicates their chances of a successful pregnancy would improve with an in-office insemination rather than an at-home process. They clash on this topic, get vulnerable about their fears and flaws, and consequently Micah hits up his LGBTQ+ Center network to find a disability-affirming, trans-inclusive doctor who breaks down those walls and helps them prepare for a successful and healthy pregnancy. Maribel acknowledges that maybe just maybe he was right this time and they proceed accordingly. The season ends two weeks after Mari’s first IUI. Mari took an at-home test and they’re debating if the incredibly faint line is real or invisible or a false positive ’cause of the hormones from her ovulation trigger shot. They get a blood test at the doctor in the morning and are spending this final day of the season waiting to hear back, trying to distract themselves to no avail, which eventually leads them to decide to crash the wedding just to get the test off their minds for one second. They celebrate with their pals. At the episode’s end, they realize they missed a call from the doctor’s office and pull up their voicemail. Was it negative or positive? We do not know. Cliffhanger!


Cut to Tess going HAM on a vial of cocaine with Denver, I have no desire to dwell on this moment further.

Denver stuffing something into Tess's nose
Come closer I gotta get this covid test swab so far up your nose that you’ll feel like I’m trying to jam your eyeball out of your face from the inside of your skull

Pippa and Sophie have relocated to a casual farm situation where they can flirt and be a potential artsy lesbian power couple in relative peace and inhale the noxious fumes of gassy cows. Pippa shares that she’s doing a career retrospective at the Hammer! Sophie explains her journey to The Aloce Show and Pippa asks what’s next for her. Sophie says she just got a promotion but that’s not what Pippa was asking — she was asking what Sophie’s next doc is gonna be about. Sophie’s not sure what it’ll be about or what the right time is to focus on another film. Pippa says there’s never a right time. But perhaps this is the right time to kiss????

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Pippa smiling at Sophie
Knock Knock
Sophie smiling at Pippa
Who’s there?
Pippa smiling at Sophie
Interrupting cow
Sophie about to kiss Pippa
Interrupting cow wh—
Cow in the dirt
MOOOOOOOO!!!!

Instead of kissing through the mooo like Maureen and Joanne, they allow this bovine to thwart their makeout sesh? But great news: Pippa’s decided to stay for the wedding after all!


Dani’s being cute and kissy with Roxy but this too is interrupted ’cause the Hays code prevents queer people from kissing for more than twenty seconds on this show and anybody who dares to break these rules will be forced on a six-episode hiatus or else they have to die. Anyhow surprise (not really ’cause we’ve known about this cameo for months but) it’s noted non-binary Australian drummer-turned-singer G-Flip, described by People Magazine as someone who “went from busting beats in their bedroom to becoming a star on the rise,” who’s at the party with their noted Selling Sunset Seller Chrishell Stause!

Dani and Roxy
Oh wow it is such an honor to meet you, I hear the article Autostraddle posted about Chrishell coming out did really well traffic-wise
Crishell and G-Flip
Thank you so much!

Turns out lesbian real estate is an insular community ’cause indeed, Crishell does know Dani’s ex-girlfriend Gigi Ghorbani and reveals off-handedly that Gigi’s engaged to Nat, who G-Flip and Crishell note “likes public sex.” So weird they’re talking about sex on this show that is NOT about having sex!!!!

Dani’s thrown off by this revelation but realizes in short order that in fact she’s over Gigi. I’m happy for Dani but unfortunately the rest of us are definitely not over Gigi!

dAni holding up gum to Roxy
Fantastic invention. Revolutionize the industry. You can suck em and suck em and suck em and they’ll never get any smaller.

“I wish this was real,” Dani says, cuddling up to Roxy and edging her body closer to Roxy’s body and Roxy says it is real! She has a condo in Echo Park and she’s not running away this time, probably because Echo Park is really hilly so it’s hard to run there.


We then return to Walk in Fridge: Escape Room Edition where the Los Angeles fire department is hard at work opening a door.

Alice and Tasha fighting in the kitchen
I just don’t see any *downside* to calling Jamie and seeing if she’s single and wants to hang out!

Bette and Tina emerge from the frosty beyond and immediately embrace and thank Tasha for rescuing them.

“See that?” Tasha points at Bette and Tina, who just greeted her warmly despite their frosty limbs. “That’s how you greet a person when they save you. Or your kitten!”


We then return to the battle of Micah and Maribel which I did not want to watch and do not want to recap. Maribel wants to know why Micah’s just bringing this up now. He was afraid of saying the wrong thing. He is fixated on Mari dying during childbirth, which again, is nowhere near the top of the list for “things to consider.”!

Maribel yelling at Micah
What do you mean you want to name the baby “Jenny”
Micah yelling at Maribel
Someone on this show has to name something after Jenny!!!!!

“What if you die and our kid asks why we had them if we knew the risks?” Micah asks. Maribel breaks a $700 vial of sperm on the ground. Micah throws three t-shirts into a duffel bag, heads to his car and calls Max, leaving Maribel alone and crying and looking so sad!!! This doesn’t make sense for Micah or for the story and also as far as I can tell, they are peddling some pretty scary medical misinformation here.

This is the last we see of either character this season and potentially ever. I love these two and I was actively shipping their relationship and I cannot think of a worse way for them to end it.


Back at Bette and Tina: The Force Awakens, Shane’s enjoying some red wine when she spots Tess mingling with her imaginary friends, clearly wasted. Kimmy saddles up to Shane to ask for “another set of hands.” I’m expecting Shane to say no, not now — her friend is in trouble and she needs to go make sure she’s okay. Because that’s how Shane is. She makes sure her friends are okay, even if it’s her ex.

Kimmy on the mike and Shane looking surprised next to her
10-4 I’ve got a customer here wondering if we have the Gucci Beige GG Jacquard Jacket in a size XXS

But alas, Shane instead follows Kimmy off to the side for another quickie because I guess this is how they’re gonna incite Tess’s meltdown?


We return to Alice and Tasha who are somehow still fighting, which must mean it’s true love, right? Anyhow this is why you should never ghost someone, you should continue living together for three additional months, fighting about everything that ever happened and then exiting the premises completely confident that you have exhausted the whole topic forever! Then the next time you run into them it will be peaceful, no problem.

Tasha vs Alice

Squabble #21: Lay Down the Law
In the Ring: Alice vs. Tasha

Content:

Tasha says Alice’s head is so far up her own ass. Personally I’d love to see Tasha sticking 1-2 fingers up Alice’s ass but again this is not a sex show!!! Alice says Tasha couldn’t handle her success. Tasha says Alice just wanted a plus one to hold her purse! Alice says she isn’t gonna apologize for having a career, but Tasha says this all started even before Alice’s career took off.

Tasha: You were in love with Dana!
[silence]
Tasha: You talked about her so much, it felt like I knew her. [pause] In a way.
Alice: [pause in which her whole vibe shifts completely] What did you just say? I’m sorry I just —

This is definitely some ret-conning of what actually happened in their relationship (I don’t think Alice talked about Dana nearly enough, to be honest!) but again I will allow it because I’ll allow anything that brings these two closer together.

Angie interrupts this moment of introspection to get Alice over to the ceremonial area. Angie thanks Tasha for saving the day and Tasha smiles and Alice smiles now too. “She saves everybody,” Alice gushes.

Who Wins? Me!


Meanwhile, Shane’s about to make out with Kimmy again but wants to first disclose that her ex is here and it’s complicated. Little does she know Tess has spent the day doing lines with an actor from Ryan Murphy’s Factory of Identical Actors.

Shane looking Kimmy in the eye
Listen, I’m interested in planning a wedding between my dog and our neighbor’s dog, can you help us out?

Kimmy finds Shane’s concern unnecessary and a little funny.

Kimmy: “You’re so cute. I’m not trying to marry you! I’m just trying to fuck you. I’m married already!”
Shane: “Oh!”
Kimmy: “I have a husband waiting for me in Glendale.”
Shane: “Oh, oh. You didn’t mention that.”
Kimmy: “I’m not sure if that was about the husband or that was about Glendale but Glendale’s cool and uh, so is the husband. We love each other and we also love to fuck other people. Case in point.”
Shane: [discovering polyamory for the first time] “And that works?”
Kimmy: “Does it feel like it’s working?”
Shane: “Yeah!”

Unfortunately but also of course, Tess wobbles over at this precise inopportune moment, inciting a breakdown that will interrupt the wedding and also my life.


We return to the festival grounds where the ceremony is beginning! Bette and Tina are in their best velvet suits, walking down the aisle, prepared to re-commit to one another once again! I wish they hadn’t killed Kit off so she could be at this wedding!

Bette and Tina smiling at each other
Are you ready? The DJ cued up the track just wanna double-check that I’m doing Amy’s part and you’re doing Emily’s

But alas, one voice rises above all the other voices in this venue and I am not talking about Outdoor Voices the brand, although we are outdoors and hearing voices. It’s not even this little guy:

Finley standing in the venue
hi-ho it’s me

No, this voice belongs to a drunk coked up Tess and it echoes through the chambers of a script where it somehow made it all the way into the page and is now being forced upon us and honestly we do not want it and the story does not need it and there is a reason people have wedding ceremonies before sunset and it’s ’cause the pictures are better that way!

Shane vs Tess

Lesbian Squabble #22: Cake Boss
In the Ring: Shane vs. Tess
Content:

Shane’s trying to talk Tess down after Tess has begun screaming at her.

“You think I’m mad at you?” Tess screams. “I’m not mad at you! I’m devastated.”

Shane grabs Tess’s wrists and tells her they’ve gotta go talk somewhere else, and then asks if she’s drunk and Tess says of course she is, she’s gotta be to deal with all of Shane’s shit. Furthermore, she says that…. Shane killed her Mom? Wow, a twist?

And then of course in the small struggle that ensues, Tess ends up plowing right into the cake, falling into it, the cake now coating her elegant dress so she can be as humiliated and embarrassed as possible for reasons that absolutely escape me. Shane tries to help her up, but Finley steps in.

“This particular friend group is full of drama,” Pippa notes to Sophie.

“Hey any ladies out there wanna be Shane McCutcheon’s next conquest?” Tess screams. G-Flip and Crishell raise their hands.

Crishell & G-Flip raising their hands
We volunteer as tributes

Who Wins? Nobody, nobody, nobody
Nobody, nobody
Ooh, nobody, nobody, nobody
– Mitski


Tess stumbles out of the venue, Finley chasing after her.

Finley vs Tess

Lesbian Squabble #23: Let It Go, Let It Go!
In the Ring: Finley vs. Tess

Content: Finley says she knows what Tess is feeling. Tess says no she doesn’t! Finley suggests they just go to a meeting. Tess doesn’t wanna go to a meeting. She doesn’t wanna be sober. She just wants to have fun with her friends! Finley says “this isn’t you” and tells Tess they can just fuck this wedding and she’ll take Tess home. Tess says through visible tears that she is happy. Our favorite B-plot villain from a Lifetime movie based on a true story pulls up in his cocaine-filled car. Tess gets in. Finley screams at her not to go. Tess says, “Finley, you have to let me go.” Finley literally grabs onto this little stolen topless car for dear life and Tess just guns it, screaming “Bye, Finley!” as she rolls off.

Who Wins? Everybody loses! But especially Tess and especially Finley.


Back at the venue, our closest gay friends are eyeing the massacred cake, their heads all tilted to the side in a blessedly comedic moment of cuteness, all the OGs together!

Shane apologizes for ruining the wedding. Bette says it’s not her fault. Alice says, “look, we’ve all done worse.” I’m not sure if she means they’ve done worse than Tess or if they’ve done worse than Shane, but either way? Let’s take a deeper look at the evidence here.

Bette, Tina, Alice and Shane looking at the cake
I know it looks like a redskin potato next to an onion now but I actually think before the cake fell over those were like, flowers maybe?

On a scale of one to ten — ten being “interrupting the wedding processional by yelling at your ex, knocking over the cake and then sailing off into the sunset with a man named Denver while Finley stands on the side of the road in a deep, throbbing panic” and one being “Tina is a little bit warm today” —

First up: Shane left Carmen at the altar. 10.

Carmen sitting with her Mom after being left at the altar

Secondly: Alice slept with a vampire. This gets a negative 10 with me, as I’d argue Alice’s vampire sex is actually the gold standard for the best possible move a person can make at any given moment.

Alice in Uta's dungeon

Thirdly: Tina left Bette for Carrie. I’m not sure where to place this because I love Carrie, but in general leaving your wife for someone else is not a great move, so I will give it a 5.

Carrie and Tina together

Fourthly: Bette had sex with Candace in jail. Technically, they just had like, out-loud phone sex, but regardless, again, we are talking about an objectively hot event, although I was concerned about the germs on the walls of that cell when Bette was pressing her cheek against it, describing precisely how she would be lying on top of Candace. However this was cheating when Tina had just had a miscarriage so I will give it a 9.

Bette's face pressed against the wall of the jail cell

Anyhow, now that we’ve addressed our tresspasses, let’s get this show on the road!


It’s now night-time but luckily Showtime took a bunch of episodic stills while it was still daytime so now there is no photography. Angie is a very cute flower girl:

Angie walking down the aisle
🎵 I can buy myself flowers Write my name in the sand 🎵

All the extras smile at Bette and Tina as they walk down the aisle. I confirm that unfortunately Helena Peabody has not flown in for this event, nor has her mother Peggy.

Bette and TIna walking down the aisle
Why don’t we know any of the guests at our own wedding that’s kind of weird right

Angie, Shane and Alice smile at Bette & Tina as they approach the front of the room.

Shane and Alice and Angie excited
Loving the suit-on-suit wedding ladies!!!

Now we have gathered here today to re-marry Bette and Tina, who met in an art gallery in 1997 when Bette had a very severe bob and Tina had really let loose with her curling wand and now are here today, having spent the afternoon locked in a refrigerator and having had their initial journey down the pathway to matrimony destroyed by an unnecessary relapse storyline!

First up we have Tina’s vows:

Bette giving Tina her vows
In 2004 Jenny Schecter said to me “Tina, I didn’t know that Bette was your first girlfriend” and I said to her, “Yeah. First, last and forever.” And I meant it.

Tina: Bette Porter, you are everything to me. Your fierce passion inspires all of us to stand boldly in our convictions and fight for each other when no one else will and to love with everything we have. Bette you are my first, my second, and my third love and today I vow that you will be my last.

This seems like a good intro to a sword fight but instead it’s Bette’s turn!

Bette gazing at TIna
In 2008 I was in a tent after a really intense game of Never Have I Ever and I told Kit, “I love Tina, I’ve always loved Tina” and I meant it.

Bette: From the moment we met my soul has burned brighter because of you. You are the sun at the center of my universe. You are my home. Thank you for your warmth, your wisdom and your steadiness. Thank you for Angie. And thank you for loving me. And I vow to love and care for you for the rest of our days with all that I am.

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They exchange rings. The music kicks in hard. Alice declares them married thanks to the internet! Finley sees Sophie with Pippa and feels sad and so do I because Finley’s been sidelined for the last two episodes and what if it all ends here?

Everyone blows bubbles!

Dani blowing bubbles
Kinda feels like everyone around me right now is on drugs or somethin

Everyone claps!!

Alice and Shane clapping and cheering
YAYYYY our Moms are married!!

Ilene Chaiken is here!!! So is White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre!!! I would like to say that it absolutely fucking tracks that Bette would be friends with Karine, so a tip of the hat to whomstever wrangled her into this episode.

Ilene Chaiken clapping in the wedding party
I’m Ilene Chaiken, creator and executive producer of Showtime’s hit series ‘The L Word”

I’m personally incredibly stressed about how little time remains for my storylines to proceed in the exact direction I’d like them to when Alice spots Tasha on her way out and makes a run for it, stopping her with what Tasha has (apparently?) wanted all this time: an apology.

Alice talkiing to Tasha
I really loved that time we woke up naked together in bed and fed each other bananas and cream

“I don’t know if this is really gonna make a difference at this point but I need you to hear something,” Alice tells her. “When I lost Dana, it really did almost kill me. And I did make my life really really busy so I wouldn’t have to think about her, so I get why you left.”

I’m not sure this is what the writers had in mind at the time — and I wish they’d integrated it more into the original series, how grief really becomes you — but as I said before, it’s a believable ret-con.

“Thank you, and you’re right, about you getting famous,” Tasha says. “You know it all just moved a little too fast for me and you know, I’m just not from that world—”

“Of course,” Alice nods. “I get it. I know.”

Tasha talking to Alice
I really liked having sex with you during the heatwave when we fed each other ice cubes in the dark

“Well do you wanna dance? Do you have like, a fire to put out or anything?” Alice asks and then! And then! Tasha laughs! DID YOU REMEMBER TASHA’S LAUGH!

Tasha laughing gif


The dance floor is throbbing with reunited love — Bette and Tina in their suits and Alice and Tasha in my hearts. Off to the side, Angie rejects Shane’s dance invitation to give Bella a call and apologize. This is when I looked at the timecode to see the likelihood of an Angie/Bella moment before close of business and my chances were not looking good!

Shane and Angie talking
It’s okay buddy, they cut a bunch of my best scenes too

Roxy tells Dani that that condo in Echo Park — she’s not just subletting or renting it month-to-month or a year, she bought that sucker. So it’s real. If Dani wants to jump into this then Roxy’s here for her and truly this chaotic union has no chance of lasting beyond the length of a traditional lease but here we go!

Dani talking to Roxy intimately
I dunno I’m kinda thinking that if our combined real estate portfolio is well into the $4-$5 million dollar range that we should maybe date other people just from like a wealth inequality perspective

Finley apologizes to Shane for yelling at her on Halloween, which’s great, ’cause that fight was bananas — but the reason she gives is that “apparently there was a lot going on with Tess that I didn’t know about,” which is… what?  Shane asks Finley to dance because it’s the season for dancing!

Shane and Finley talking
Do I know the line dance to Ed Sheeran’s Shiver? Of course I do.

Bette and Tina’s intent to ditch their own party and return to the hotel room to have sex with their bras on is foiled by Pippa and Sophie’s prior hot-wiring of the ceremonial golf cart. That’s okay though, they’re happy to walk! Together! As wives!

bette talking to Tina in the golf cart
Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.

Speaking of Sophie and Pippa, they kiss and Sophie suggests getting a room and Pippa suggests they instead accept that anticipation is the purest form of pleasure.

Pippa and Sophie smiling
You smell like fine art and success

We return to Roxy and Dani, who are making out when a voice interrupts them — “Dani.”

Dani and Roxy kissing
nom nom nom

Dani and Roxy break apart and turn and look and there’s Dre, looking SO CUTE IN THEIR SUIT! I can’t even look at this picture it makes me so sad I want to cry!

Dre surprised
🎵 And motherfuckers act like they forgot about Dre 🎵

Speaking of things ending on a cliffhanger that I didn’t particularly care for, Finley gets a call from Tess’s phone but it’s not Tess, it’s The Los Angeles Police Department, because if there’s anything this show needs, it’s another interaction via telephone with the LAPD. At the end we’ll all be asked to dial 911 to find out if she show’s being renewed. Anyhow, they ask for Sarah Finley and say they’re calling about Tess Van Der Berg.

Finley on the phone with the LAPD
Sorry to interrupt you there but um, you realize how fucked up it would be to end the show this way, right?

I think we deserved better and these characters and these actors and these stories deserved better.


Bette asks Tina if today was everything she dreamed it’d be and Tina says, yes it was perfect. “I hope our friends get to feel this someday,” Bette says.

“Me too,” says Tina. “They deserve it.”

Bette and Tina walking into the distance
🎵 No other love, darlin’ I’m flyin’.
And I can go, I can go anywhere.
But no other love can take me there. 🎵

The Roundup:
Lesbian Sexy Moments: 1 this episode, 7 all season
Squabbles: 4 this episode, 23 all season
Quote of the Week: Tasha’s laugh


Well folks, that’s all they wrote and thus it is all I wrote! Rest assured, I have been tracking the seasons’ timeline and would like to confirm that the events of this episode do conclude approximately 7-10 days prior to the Christmas holiday, which means there is still a chance for me, Riese, to be hired by a benevolent overlord at Paramount and given the chance to execute my dream project: The L Word Christmas Special.

Finally, did you know that putting together this recap takes around 25 hours minimum a week, on top of all the other 40+ hours a week of responsibilities I have in this job as CEO/CFO of Autostraddle.com? It involves screencapping an hour-long show, two days of writing and editing the entire episode recap, and many additional hours of writing alt-text and captions for 50 or so screencaps and making graphics and then responding to as many comments as possible. Then there’s the podcast, which is a whole other giant chunk of time! I got this screener on Wednesday at 5pm and have spent every available hour since that moment working on this recap or the podcast, which’s why it went up so late — it takes a long-ass time!

Which is just to say if you’ve enjoyed these recaps and they’ve brought you any amount of joy and you want this little website to keep existing, we accept gratitude and also validation of all the time I put into these recaps in the form of cold hard cash money, which you can give us here or here:

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We’ll also have lots of wrap-up content about the season coming out next week, so be sure to look out for that!

In conclusion: thank you so much for watching this show with me, for telling me how funny I am, and for reminding me how much I love talking about television on the internet. I’ve loved gathering here with all of you every week and I really hope this isn’t our last chance to do so!