feature image via Shutterstock
by Ali and Daniela
At September 2012 A-Camp, there was an overwhelming want/need for a panel on kink specifically. So we made that. In fact, that’s what we’re doing today. At 9:30 AM PST, we will be talking about Kink. Because it’s never too early for Kink. And in turn, the Kink Panel wanted to give you guys all the resources so you can follow along at home. So just pretend you’re on a mountain with 200 queer people and someone just asked a question about where to get the best leather flogger. We’d like to let you know that every link in this article is proudly Not Safe For Work. Enjoy the resources and recommend more in the comments!
Kink 101
Sm 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman. It’s a book that covers all the Sm basics in such a way that is relevant to newbies and seasoned kinksters alike. Its chapters seem basic, but upon closer reading you realize there are things you didn’t know you didn’t about, which is mindblowing and helpful. My favorite part about it is the specificity on language, in that it gives you examples that you can use until you can come up with language of your own. I learn by example, so this book hit the spot. It has a lovely negotiation form, as well.
Kink Academy: On-demand kink education and sex-ed – I can best explain this as an ever-growing video library of all kinky things, which is kind of baffling to me. Each video is a thoughtful How To of whatever topic the educators are tackling and you can search for them according to your skill level, toy of interest, kink category or educator. I have learned not only about new practices I didn’t know I was into, but also about awesome educators, writers and otherwise-identified people in the field of sex ed.
Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Phillip Miller and Molly Devson. This is the Dumbledore of BDSM books: old-school but knowledgeable as f*ck. It has tons of photos, pictures, a gigantic glossary and appendices that almost deserve a book of their own. If you’re into geeking out about sadomasochism, this is your book.
The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge ed. Tristan Taormino. I’d say this is the new school Screw The Roses. I don’t have a copy of my own just yet, but it will soon become a thing that belongs in my library. Each chapter is written by a different educator, and what I’m most looking forward to fully reading and not sort of glancing over at work is the detailed techniques explored in the first half of the book. The second half, just as awesome, concentrates more on role-playing fantasies and the discussion of somewhat less mainstream practices (I mean, I don’t know what mainstream means anymore, I feel like 50 Shades of Grey didn’t help the cause).
Need a doctor or a psychiatrist that won’t demonize your consensual sex life? Visit the KAP directory for everything from a therapist to a web designer. KAP stands for Kink Aware Professionals and is run by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom.
via Crash Pad , Dallas and Syd
Communication and Consent
Yes/No/Maybe Sexual Inventory Stocklist from Scarleteen. This list is fun to go through alone or with a partner and is good for figuring out exactly what you’re interested in trying. It includes more than just all things kinky, but it’s a good way to figure out what your personal boundaries are and what you’re looking for. I recommend going through it first by yourself – grab a nice glass of wine or mug of tea and go to town.
If you’re looking for a survey to complete with a potential partner, Mojo Upgrade gives you a list of potential sex acts (kinky ones, too), and then gives your partner the same list. Then it shows you the things you’d both like to try. An excellent conversation starter.
Aggie at Solopoly wrote this great post about communication and negotiation. Even though it’s about polyamory and she’s not particularly kinky, it’s definitely a discussion on discussion and therefore, I would argue, applicable.
How and Where to Find Playmates
International Ms Leather is an umbrella group that lists a bunch of queer leather women events and organizations throughout the world (mostly for the US and UK, though). It’s a good place to start if you are looking for half-educational, half play-party events.
I’ll go ahead and state the obvious: Fet Life. Like Facebook for kinksters. But as it’s user run, like Facebook, the community here can often be problematic. As long as – like with any other social media – you’re good to take the good and leave the bad, it can still be a pretty good place to find like-minded kinky queers and events in your area.
Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Navigating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams. The title is pretty self-explanatory. I’m really into this book because it talks to the reader like a best friend that is really excited about you trying all this kinky new things with kinky new people, yet is super firm about you being well-informed and prepared to keep so you can keep yourself emotionally and physically safe.
Getting Specific: About Specific Kinks and Fetishes
The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton. The most focused books on Domme/sub power dynamics I’ve found so far. I’d say the intro can get a little long for people who are familiar with the subject, but I’m still a fan because each book is so focused it gives the authors the freedom of going into great detail about each role. I think the most useful thing about these books is how they break down the subject into accessible, easily explainable thoughts for those of us new to it or with a partner who doesn’t know quite yet how to go about it.
If you like ropes, Midori is a good resource. She wrote a how-to book, The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage, that doubles as an art book.
Exhibitionism for the Shy: Show Off, Dress Up and Talk Hot! by Carol Queen. I love Queen’s approach to exhibitionism as a means to conquer shyness and body image issues. Through interviews with seasoned professionals (like Nina Hartley) and with advice of her own, Queen covers exhibitionism from head to toe. My favorite thing is that this book has concise, clear instructions that let you execute them in whatever way makes you feel the best and hottest about yourself.
Em and Lo talk dirty talk in their how to.
Smitten Kitten has two great free educational porn videos (I mean, they have a lot, but I’m specifically going to talk about two of them). Bondage 101 and Impact Play 101, both led by Tina Horn from Queer Porn TV and Crashpad. Each video includes interviews from porn stars, how-tos and tips on playing safe.
Sugarbutch: online diary of a kinky queer butch top, includes a LOT of leather and power dynamics, and of course some super sexy erotica. This is Sinclair Sexsmith’s site, and they also edited Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica (which is super queer despite the title).
via Crash Pad , Ex and Muscle Beach
Kinks and Feminism
Clarisse Thorne, Feminist S&M writer and blogger, author of The S&M Feminist, which is a thing we reviewed.
Mollena Williams, BDSM educator and black submissive who talks at length about race play. It is always, always an edifying joy to read whatever she writes.
The Pervocracy, a kinky, feminist sexblog. Not very LGBT relevant, but I’d say pretty BDSM relevant.
Just one post, but Rachel Venning (Babeland co-founder) talks about BDSM and feminism on the Babeland Blog.
Equipment Field Guide
Aslan Leather – tons of bondage and impact play equipment. And don’t be fooled by the name, they also carry vegan products.
deTails Toys – I have personal experience with this site and these floggers and I like them, but they do take a really long time to ship.
Smitten Kitten‘s BDSM equipment.
Babeland has some handy categories: check out their bondage section, as well as their beginner section and their flogging section.
Good Vibrations in San Francisco also has an entire portion of their website dedicated to Kink and Fetish toys.
Are manly lesbians more into the kink stuff?
Where did this comment even come from?
From the Ilene Chaiken camp? Probably still in doubt if the man identified lesbian Alice was dating needed to be kinky.
Or lesbian identified man? I dunno, I’m confused.
The use of the scientific term “manly lesbian” indicates that the questioner is undoubtedly aware of the importance of many factors in lesbianness.
The affect of barometric pressure and prevailing winds on hat size can result in changes in “the kink stuff”, especially if one is on the lee side of the lesbian.
Truly, the questioner has a keen eye for such details.
“the lee side of the lesbian” is the best sea shanty you’ve never heard.
There really need to be more lesbian sea shanties.
oh universe please make this a tegan and sara concept album
I think they’ve (sadly to my mind) gone too electro-pop for that. Perhaps My Gay Banjo…
I love this reply.
Wow – that comment made me facepalm so hard I think I have a concussion.
Yes genius, all the “manly dykes” are into kink and us femmes are just ecstatic to have more sex toys to put in the dishwasher and fetishwear to launder.
I’m gonna finish by offering you the Andrea Gibson quote I couldn’t remember last weekend when some snotty girl at the local gay bar informed me that she was a dyke but I was definitely a lesbian. I don’t know what that even means but this was one pissed off queer.
“I can guarantee a haircut will never tell you anything about someone’s gender, who they love, or how they fuck.” Andrea Gibson
I am imagining a femme laundering my fetishwear (of which I have none) now. It’s confusing. I usually do my own laundry.
Well, imagining someone laundering something which doesn’t exist is gonna be confusing. It sounds like something out of one of my (terrible)college philosophy essays.
I love this! I have been active in my local BDSM scene for years, even before I came out, and often feel like it’s not a welcome conversation topic with other queer people I know.
I’m super excited to see kink friendly resources being suggested and shared! I would love to see more kink related articles.
Midori is RAD. If you ever get a chance to go to a workshop of hers, DO IT!
Besides being an extremely talented bondage artist and excellent teacher, she’s also pretty geeky and nice, which just makes her even awesome-er.
I’d have to totally agree and second the ringing endorsement of Midori. Her workshops are great and if you have an interest in rope bondage definitely checkout her rope dojo.
I’m happy to see this article and the first comment was a little odd but eh, there are a wide variety of women that are into or curious about kink not just the manly ones.
Talented, an excellent teacher, geeky, nice, and also very intelligent and has a good sense of humor. The workshop of hers I went to was a lot of fun.
Hooray! Btw, Pervocracy is a bit LGBTQ relevent, because Cliff who writes it is not exactly cis -from the “About” page, “My gender is “oh shit, you have to pick one?””.
Yeah, I love the Pervocracy because it basically introduced me to feminism, but the kink elitism messed me up a bit because I was/am a perfectionist and felt pressure to be the PERFECT KINKSTER when it turns out I’m more comfortable dabbling in BDSM occasionally than really committing to the scene.
But Cliff talks about that! She talks about how there is NO right or wrong way to kink, as long as everybody involved is practicing safe/sane/consensual behavior. She actually talks about that a lot.
I hadn’t heard of Pervocracy before. But from what y’all say, I’m not that impressed. The whole point of safewords is that they’re something the people will easily remember and won’t be mistaken for anything else, so who the fuck cares about traffic signals? Weird.
And, not everyone who’s a perv or into any of the various permutations of BDSM is also into “the scene.” I was a pretty hardcore bottom for a few years, and I never really got into the community (though I was a dues-paying member of the local play spot). I had a circle of awesome, fun people, we did things publicly sometimes, but not everyone’s into it for the community, and that’s okay. Sheesh.
I just do not get the elitism and exclusionary b.s. If you’re safe, consensual, and everyone’s having fun, who cares about anything else?
Just wanted to add that I’ve been reading Pervocracy for a couple of years and personally haven’t found it to be elitist. Cliff writes a lot about “the scene” and hir own experiences, but to me it never seemed dismissive of other types kinksters. There’s a lot of general musings about sex, kink and feminism (quite 101), as well.
It might be that I just happen to be of that brand of kinky polygeek to whom hir writing apply, and thus fail to see the bigger picture… Anyway I do believe there are other autostraddlers who might enjoy Pervocracy, so I too recommend it.
(Warning: A-Camp inside joke)
But where do I learn about Surprise Fisting?
*facepalm*
You know, in my head, that sentence read like this: “and people asked about, surprise, fisting.”
I can’t help that it came out: “And people asked about Surprise Fisting.”
*facepalm facepalm facepalm* :0)
Ali! That was one of my fave moments of the evening. So funny!
No lies, due to the day of the week and time of day of this panel, it quickly gained the nickname “church” in our posse. Pastor Ali rocked it.
I echo the recommendation of the NCSF KAP directory, I think its especially helpful if you live in a smaller or more conservative city.
Cliff has never said “You have to use traffic light colors as your safe words.” She has said that SHE happens to like to do so, but that you should do whatever works for you.
Here is what Cliff said about stoplights:
“Always have a safeword. This is a word that stops everything dead. It’s the emergency brake, the circuit breaker, the ejection seat. The instant someone uses it, you don’t argue and you don’t question; you immediately let them out of any bondage, stop any stimulation, drop your role, and just let them cool down. Sometimes that means cuddling them and sometimes it means not touching them, but either way, stay in cool-down mode until you’ve talked about exactly why they used it and whether they want to start again or call it a day.
Don’t be afraid to use your safeword. It doesn’t mean you’re not strong enough or “real” enough or you’re accusing them of doing something wrong. It just means that they’re not a mindreader and didn’t realize you were feeling bad about what was happening(physically or emotionally), and there’s no reason you should tolerate feeling bad in a recreational activity. Relieve them of the need to mindread and tell them.
I like to use a “stoplight” safeword system–red is the true emergency brake, yellow means “ease up, but I’m not done” (I’ll also use it to state my needs, as in “yellow, it’s hard for me to breathe in this position”), and green means “this is awesome, don’t you worry about me, keep on doing the awesome stuff.” ”
*shrug* Cliff’s goal in life seems to be to write about her personal experiences, and to try to help folks understand that anything goes as long as you’re safe/sane/consensual. She writes a lot about how kink is different for everyone, and that there IS no right or wrong way to do it. I’ve been reading the blog for awhile, and I’m sorry it has come across to you as exclusionary and elitist. I’ve always felt like Cliff (at least in recent years) has tried VERY hard to specifically NOT be that way.