The Autostraddle Insider Issue 95: August 2022

Carmen: (I’m giving a small update that my internet has decided that today is the day it will be from hades. I’m plugging away on this recap but imagine aol 1997 and you will understand my current struggle)
Viv: senior staff on mount olympus
kaylais poseidon
carmen is persephone
riese is athena
Kayla: wow YES 🧜🏽‍♀️
Viv: anya is hermes
laneia is aphrodite
nico is artemis
heather is hera or hestia
i’m hephaestus
Anya: WOW i’m on board
i’m mischievous and have sandles
Viv: also talking to everyone
Anya: absolutely in everyone’s biz
Nico: i love that kayla’s fish expert brand extends into simply being KING OF THE SEA
Anya: also viv i can’t explain it, but you are hephaestus
Viv: right
Kayla: fish
Anya: over there welding
Kayla: Omg I tried to send a fish emoji??
But instead just sent the word fish

Nico: I hope everyone takes a moment today to enjoy the fuck out of Laneia’s piece for A+.
The way I feel about how this turned out is indescribable, but I am, to say it succinctly, AMPED.
Kayla: omg i can’t wait
omg the feature image
Nico: riiiiiight????
Viv: hi 👅
Kayla: so good viv!!!!!!!
wow nothing could have possibly prepared me
for father john misty
(2015)

Kayla: The more we get writers represented poorly in media the more I’m like wait maybe accurate representation of writers peaked with Jenny Schecter and I am NOT JOKINGGGGFGG
Riese: at least jenny got rejected
Kayla: Also stole from her friends’ lives for her art and thus created drama That happens all the time
Carmen: that’s true
Heather: stormed the curve offices over a bad review your LITTLE MAGAZINE
Carmen: i think you’re on to something because nova in queen sugar became the least likeable when she also became… a realistic writer
(she wrote a book of her family’s history and everyone in her family hated her)
I think it’s hard to make authentic writers who are not also monsters
Riese: Heather share the graphic!!!!
Kayla: She’s why people hate writers of autofiction which I can say as a sometimes writer of autofiction

Heather:

Kayla: Hahahahahhaha
Stalking the critic who wrote a negative review of your book and then ruining her life? Iconic plot line
Riese: adored it
Heather: imagine jenny schecter on goodreads
Riese: mayhem
Kayla: lmaoooo GOD it’s so true
RIP Jenny Schecter you would have loved screaming at strangers on Goodreads

shea: I’m also testing chairs in an office max and this little baby queer just came up to me for a third time asking if I was okay. So I asked her if she liked diners and then told her to go read the diner week series. That should keep her content and busy for a bit.
Niko Stratis: LOL
Stef Rubino: that’s adorable!!
shea: So far we have talked about diners, star wars, and Dua Lipa. I’m just trying to choose a chair. I will obvi be naming the chair after Georgina, the baby queer at Office Max

Darcy: Also this is fun

Yash: OMG AN ICON WALKS AMONG US

Kayla: Has anyone seen Forged in Fire
Nico: omg my girlfriend LOVES this show
Stef Rubino: KAYLA YES
Kayla: Contestants make blades
I heard someone call it the Chopped of swordmaking and I was like
SOLD
Stef Rubino: Brendan and i literally say we’re “forged in the fires of brotherhood”
because of that fucking show
i love it
Niko Stratis: Chopped where they make the chopper? Sold
Stef Rubino: they MAKE the chopper
Kayla: Oh my god there have been 211 episodes of Forged in Fire
I’m very excited to make this my personality
Stef Rubino: i can’t wait to talk about it with you, dude hahah
Kayla: Surely dykes have competed in this arena, no?
Vanessa: anxiously awaiting for KKU to recap all 211 episodes
Stef Rubino: OH surely they HAVE
you just wait
Kayla: I Watched All of Forged in Fire In a Weekend and Now My Personality is Blades
Sa’iyda: As someone who has watched MANY episodes of this show, it happens!!

Carmen: On a scale of 1— 🦀, if I listen to She Keeps Me Warm before 9am will I end up crying?
Nico: awww but why not
why not cry
Kayla: omg WHAT is inspiring this????
Nico: 🦀
a very good question kayla
Kayla: lol
Carmen: These two reactions feel like friendship 🥲

Kayla: does the PR lady with the last name DeSantis know she harms me every time i see her name in my inbox? no. but it still feels RUDE.

Valerie: already retweeted but posting here so we can all appreciate this sweet call to action

Nico: first of all, i hope everyone reads Dani’s incredible A+ essay, but second of all i am so amused by this helpful listicle published sometime in AS’s past?

Nico: omg originally i read it as “7 Ways to Get Murdered By a Bear” as opposed to NOT
Laneia: lol whyyyy did heather write that
was it camp content??
i realize no one here at this exact moment can possibly answer this question but

*a few minutes later in a channel with Heather*

Laneia: hey quick question do you remember why you wrote this: https://develop.autostraddle.com/7-ways-to-not-get-murdered-by-a-bear-291850/
Heather: if i had to guess i would say that was my first a-camp and i was scared of bears so i wrote that as one of the filler posts for the week we were gone
my god 2015
Laneia: ok that’s what i thought omg
Nico: loll
Heather: lolollol ok that must be it then
Laneia: we were marveling at it being related content for dani’s post!
this is good advice though
Heather: hahahaha!!!
i didn’t know at the time that crystal had met her wife by saving her — escorting her quietly away — from a bear at camp!
Laneia: jfc how have i not heard this
Nico: omg really?? that’s incredible and yeah if someone saves you from a bear you probably do have to marry them
it’s just Bear Law
anyway how about the follow up which is informational, but in the negative “7 Ways TO Get Murdered By a Bear”
1. Ignore Heather’s advice from 2105
Heather: bear week on our gay website but it’s about literal bears
Laneia: !
Nico: and then we can have Otter Week
also about literal otters
Laneia: a bear takeover and it’s real bears would be so important and perfect
Nico: “Gays Love Bears!” “Check Out This List of America’s Best Bear Bars!”
it’s just bear-themed bars or bars named after actual bears
Heather: HAHAHAHA!
Kayla Kumari: I do think about bears a lot
Anya: a review of the show The Bear
Nico: I just can’t stop thinking about how they, as a species, don’t really kill their prey before they eat it.
Laneia: i do wish we had a bisexual review of the bear
Nico: I learned that and now I just think about it at least once a week. It’s why Werner Herzog was like “destroy that tape”
Laneia: do they not kill it bc it’s more fun to eat it that way?? what could be the positive part of that
Nico: i have only recently started watching the bear because i had to remain pure while working on my diner essay
is it bisexual?
Laneia: no but i’m a lesbian and i want to fuck him
so i’m assuming bisexuals also want to fuck him

**erstwhile in a thread below Laneia’s last statement**

Nico: dead
actually what if you wrote the review that is “I’m a lesbian and I still want to fuck the bear what is happening” or whatever his name is
Laneia: what if i did an a+ list of all the men i want to fuck as a lesbian
bc believe it or not he is not the only one
Nico: AAHDSghakdshgklasgklajdglk
SOLD
Kayla: Laneia this is deeply relatable
Carmen: ok i found the thread!
I am here to discuss this man
this very hot man
Nico: i do love bug eyes
Carmen: “what if i did an a+ list of all the men i want to fuck as a lesbian,” I am not the person who can officially approve this but just as an aside I would read it
Nico: no this list 100000% needs to happen and it’s already approved when do you want it on the schedule laneia
Carmen: I also have a similar list, as a queer person who hasn’t had sex with a cis man since… 2006? 2007?
Laneia: for an intro i could write a semi-brief meditation on the nature of trauma responses and sexuality as politics and rape fantasies as coping mechanisms but i feel like that would take away from the whimsy of the list
Nico: oof wow
Carmen: laneia stop selling it, it’s already approved
Laneia: lololol
Nico: is it whimsical to put that in the middle of the list maybe?
like the opposite of an intermission, a serious interlude perhaps
Laneia: i do think i could make it funny
Nico: i believe you can
Carmen: i am so happy right now, man you really don’t know where a work day will take you
Laneia: idk let’s see where this takes me! i’ll get started this week
Nico: AMAZING think you
thank yu
gawd
Laneia: 2 me u r perfect
Carmen: no but seriously i just want to put a face to this conversation because

Anya: he should be proud of himself
even has lesbians thirsting
Kayla: I don’t think he would make my list but I do see it
Carmen: that’s a lesbian face i’m sorry, it’s like the grown equivalent of when all the tween lesbians of the late 90s had leonardo dicaprio from titanic on their walls
Kayla: Hahahhaa ok that is real
Anya: carmen you’re absolutely right
Laneia: yeah the dirtbag lesbian energy just radiates off of this asshole
Anya: same vibes as Shane
Laneia: but also he looks like he’d start crying if you really hurt his feelings and i want to hurt his feelings and then be the only person who could make him feel better again, which is psychological abuse in both directions
and yet
Nico: oh noooo what a paragraph
Carmen: laneia!!! the work you are doing, it is such good work
Nico: yeah i feel like even trying to save his phone number in your phone is pointless because he’ll just stop texting at some point, maybe text you again like a year later
Kayla: Scream
Carmen: Nico didn’t watch the sex and the city reboot, but that’s an actual plot line from the show. bar for bar.
that is what sara ramirez’s character does to miranda
Laneia: wait the texting or the hurting her feelings on purpose
Carmen: haha the texting
no one is genius enough for the hurting feelings on purpose plot, laneia your genius stands on its own

**meanwhile, outside of this highly specific thread, back in bear territory**

Nico: oh they just don’t care laneia. they’re strong enough and big enough to just hold the prey down
Heather: crystal’s bear story is so good because she is super shy so she didn’t go to club deer, but she told her now-wife that she’d meet her there and walk her home (back to her cabin) because she liked her so much. so on the way they heard a bunch of clanging inside a dumpster and crystal thought some campers were banging in the trash can so she went over to tell them to cut it out — and it was a BEAR! so she put her arm around her now-wife and quietly and gently walked her away from the bear and to her cabin. and now they are married.
pays to grow up in australia!
Laneia: omg this is a children’s book
like middle grade
Anya: australian animals seem unhinged
spiders everywhere
Heather: kangaroos will beat you up on the street!
Nico: kangaroos i have heard are vicious
wow what a story
Heather:

Anya: that is literally the stuff of nightmares
Carmen: I READ THAT TWITTER THREAD THIS WEEKEND IT IS SO SCARY
Laneia: the spiders ALONE will keep me off that enormous island
Nico: that twitter username
Laneia: fuck me omg
thank you for pointing that out
Nico: love to learn nature facts from 💦Jehovah’s Wetness💦
this is how i soothe myself about climate change and mass extinction. i just repeat to myself like “tigers murder for fun. dolphins murder for fun. kangaroos murder for fun.”
Carmen: hhahhaahahaahaaaa
Kayla: Something that’s not florida but feels florida…..kangaroos that murder
Nico: OKAY SO next A CAMP we obviously have to have Bear Training
(Bear training is also secretly for people who want to get wifed.)

More often than we’d like, people email us about things that demonstrate they might be missing the point.

This is just a doodle from Nico’s notebook :) They hope it brightens your day!

August! What a concept! I am in the midst of moving, so my brain is mush, but this did not stop me from d r e s s i n g this month. After a travel-filled July, I was happy to spend more time at home this month and getting back to my regular Florida programming (beach and pool days aplenty).

Look 1: This is my very on-the-nose nauticalcore outfit. Sailor shorts ($45)! Lobster flip-flops ($18)! White and blue striped boxy tee ($17)! You too can look like a cute sailor.

Look 2: Did I purchase this pink velour tracksuit for an early-2000s costume party? Yes. Am I going to just start unironically wearing it all the time? YES. It is! So comfy! Also, for the record, I was dressed as Amy Poehler in Mean Girls, but if you thought I was Paris Hilton, you are not alone and also I’ll take it! You too can live your best velour life! I did not go the Juicy route, and I regret it, but you can correct my mistakes: Juicy Hoodie ($44); Juicy Trackpants ($44). Also, I cannot take credit for this custom Jennifer Lopez cocktail pouch, but bless the Leo icon who did make it.

Look 3: This is the dress I wear when I’m cosplaying Carla Gugino in The Haunting of Hill House. My mother got it at Ross Dress for Less, but I convinced her it looked better on me so she gifted it to me. Mothers and daughters, amirite? I found some comps: Vintage-Style Floral Dress ($73); Side-Tie Maxi Dress ($90); Printed Wrap Dress ($300). Wear with a classic wedge ($50)!

Get to know some of our newest faces.

Social Media:
Instagram: nikostratis
Twitter: nikostratis

What is your favorite kind of sandwich?
Meatball sub, which I honestly believe to be the unsung queen of the sandwich kingdom. It’s so simple and delicious and I often forget about them until you stumble upon the opportunity to order one and upon first bite your entire body screams THIS IS WHAT I WAS TRYING TO TELL YOU, which is an important food vibe.

Also Banh Mi. Those are two favorites, but if you order both and eat them at one time that’s one sandwich.

What’s something you’ve been really proud of lately?

For the longest time there was a hot dog vendor on the street in my city who would see me and say hey, Kurt Cobain and that felt nice but also kind of weird and bad as a trans woman, you know? Anyway, I walked by the other day and he yelled hey, Courtney Love and honestly if you had asked me years ago what my ideal transition would be I would have said from Kurt to Courtney.

Support your local hot dog vendors.

If you could only use one emoji for the rest of your life, what would it be?

I like the old school shrug one, the one made of ASCII art who looks a little like Homestar Runner. He’s got the smug sense of self-satisfaction I want from a shrug emoji but it’s also work to find one, copy-paste it into a document and that hard work yields high reward. In today’s fast-paced world of emoji it’s important to remember where we came from, remember how it felt to put some heart and effort behind your emotions. Using the analogue shrug feels like you are saying with your whole chest I have no fucking clue

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

What would be your superpower and why?

Okay, I just started writing a comics column here (Gutter Talk, ICYMI) so I feel like this is the question for me. I always liked Mystique from the X-Men, who can shift and morph her body to be whatever she desires. As a trans woman, this was a VERY appealing superpower to me for many years, the idea that I could just remake myself, my voice and mannerisms with a stray thought? Yes please. Now, I’ve been out for a number of years and learned many ways to love myself, my body and my mannerisms and the whole deal but all the same, some days you still want to know what it would feel like to be different than you are now, to move seamlessly through various stages of identity with but a stray thought and a bit of outfit inspiration?

I would also like to be able to have one of those powers that exists outside of combat. Like the ability to talk to animals or something. I want to hear why my cat likes yogurt so much, and if we can come to an understanding about why she shouldn’t shove her face into my breakfast the minute my back is turned.

Who was your first woman celebrity crush?
This is a hard one to separate because I dealt with a whole hell of a lot of “do i want to be her/do i want to be with her ” as a kid but definitely 100% Tia Carerre. If you watched Wayne’s World and didn’t walk away with a lifetime crush on her you watched the wrong movie.

BRB, going to watch her version of “Ballroom Blitz”.

We are here to normalize trying, failing, trying, and failing again!

“I’m in one of those funks where I feel like I’m just failing at…everything? It’s difficult for me to even pinpoint one thing in particular. I feel creatively exhausted! I feel like I can’t get all the things done that I need or want to do. I even feel like I haven’t been the best partner lately, and that’s an area where I usually feel pretty confident about usually, but like, I can’t remember the last time I even cooked dinner!!!! Not that that matters and not that anyone in my household would hold that against me (ok, fine, maybe the dog holds it against me —she loves to eat my cooking scraps), but it just feels like a failure to myself, you know?” – Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

“You all aren’t getting an A+ Advice box this Friday because I totally thought September starts NEXT WEEK. So, you are getting an A+ Advice Box on the SECOND Friday instead. I also (maybe you all noticed the name change) keep writing my name wrong out of muscle memory and did so like 3x while corresponding with a clothing company founded for trans people and the founder replied to me that I needed to remember to sign my name right!!! And then I perished!!!” – Nico

It’s time for another round of Haunted/Not Haunted, in which Nico tells you whether or not these weird items Heather saw on the internet this month are spooky or spectral!

Heather: This ear wall by artist (dark wizard?) Michael Beitz. Is it haunted?

Nico: No, it’s not haunted, but I am. I am always haunted by the attention and money given to public art by white male artists that barely challenges us as viewers (or listeners). I looked at this man’s portfolio and was largely unimpressed and yet, accolades for him abound. That said, I don’t not appreciate the pun.

Heather: This statue of a woman made of ravens??

Nico: It’s called “Ravens and Blackbirds” but she’s whispering to a white bird, which is neither. This isn’t a haunting, it’s a spell. It’s a riddle to be unlocked, but only if you’re actually ready for the consequences of turning your bird’s eye on the abyss within. Act accordingly.

Heather: This abandoned arcade claw machine casually sitting on a sidewalk in NYC.

Nico: The ONLY reason I can conceive of for getting rid of one of these things is that it is haunted. If I had a claw machine lying around, the temptation to actually succeed at playing the claw machine would be too great to ever give it up, haunted or no. I can however see someone reaching a different conclusion. The thing about keeping this, though, is that if the prize gets stuck in the dispenser, you must never reach into the machine. You must never reach into the machine.

Carmen: I forgot to circle back and say I MADE THE PANCAKES.
chocolate chip, with whipped cream “infused with maple syrup” (thanks to Kayla and Laneia for the assist)

Carmen: And did I use the opportunity to play with the new photo app on my phone? I did 😌
Nico: !!!
love a pancake day
i always make them when we go camping. pancakes are the best.
and so is maple
Carmen: how do you make pancakes while camping? are you making it on a fire? (do not laugh, i don’t understand outside)
Nico: i have made pancakes over a fire with a cast iron pan but usually using a camp stove!
Kayla: Omg yum
Carmen: what’s a camp stove?
should I google
Nico:

Kayla: I have a camp stove that is less for camping and more for cooking on my balcony if we have a hurricane
THATS THE ONE I HAVE LOL
Nico: LOLLLLLL
psychic
Carmen: i am so fascinated, it’s like a lil mini stove
Nico: yes
Carmen: does it run on battery?
Kayla: Butane
Nico: it runs on like, butane or propane
Carmen: WHAT
omg
haha remember when kayla made the “which yellowjackets character are you” quiz and i got the girl who died first

*five people in the channel respond with the laughing emoji*

Kayla: I know a lot about outdoor cooking since my sister designs grills
Carmen: well
Nico: T H A T ‘ S R I G H T
wild your sister designs grills tbh
Kayla: Truly!
Her pizza oven is completely portable
Carmen: i love that detail because it’s such a specific job? but someone in fact does have to design grills
Kayla: Yeah she’s an industrial designer and it’s wild they really just like make stuff
Carmen: So many people have laughed, no one has offered to help me survive if the plane goes down 😭

Kayla: Hahahahaha Carmen
Nico: honestly i feel like everyone’s best bet in that scenario is that there is a good nurse on the plane who also survives the crash
Carmen: nico my best bet is that you’re in the seat next to me, what are you talking about
Nico: oh carmen how sweet (?? is it?? i think??)
Carmen: yes! it’s meant to be sweet
not like

though to be fair, misty saved lives!
Nico: jhahahahahaha
Kayla: I’ll be the first person to suggest cannibalism
jk
Or AM I
Nico: no you will and it will be a joke until it isn’t
Carmen: They are going to eat that girl next season
Kayla: I earned a reputation at Tin House for being “the one who talks about cannibalism”
Carmen: so proud of u
Kayla: Lol
My workshopmates are gonna get a kick out of the opening of your Diner Week essay, Nico
Nico: truly proud
good autostraddle representation honestly
Carmen: i agree
Kayla: The director of TH showing up in a Caligula inn shirt def was indicative of our impact
Nico: i feel like we would all just joke about cannibalism the whole time while working together and surviving just fine without cannibalism, tbh.
Riese: i think i might be a strong contender for also dying first
i think i would either die or become very bossy
Nico: i am sure you would be fine and not too bossy but i do think out of all of us you might be the most likely to try and go off on your own
which is of course dangerous

Laneia: when i was having drinks with amanda’s queer coworkers we talked about who’d survive a zombie/end of days situation and i was like “i really think i would die first, i don’t think i’m cut out for that kind of survival” and kass, who is perfect in all ways, said, “no you wouldn’t die first bc i’d save you that time, but then you’d have to fight your own battles” and i’ve never respected anyone more in my life
Riese: i love this
Laneia: there are so many gays at [redacted fortune 500 company] it’s wild
Carmen: that fascinates me
Laneia: queers love data and inventory
Carmen: ok that is true
history has proven this fact
Nico: yes! so many data analyst A+ members!
Riese: i should work at [redacted fortune 500 company] maybe
Laneia: you would make a lot of gay friends riese