The Autostraddle Insider: Issue 64, December 2019

Letter From Your Editors

Hello Harrys and Sally!

Look at everybody just really committed to existing this year:

1st row: Malic // Casey // Adrian // Sarah // Laneia
2nd row: Dani // Meg // Carolyn // Heather // Himani
3rd row: Shelli // Drew // KaeLyn // Kayla // Malic again bc we didn’t have enough to fill out the whole collage HI MALIC :)

I don’t think any of us would’ve predicted the 2019 we’ve had — wild highs, devastating lows, areas of unexpected progress and so much overdue reckoning and rebuilding. And even though it’s hard to imagine from this stationary bike that is literally going nowhere (as I write this on my notes app on the gym), I do think we are getting somewhere. And we couldn’t have done that without your support.

When everything was broken this fall, the one area around which I was not experiencing an immediate and overwhelming panic was our short-term financial solvency. When I looked at how other companies had managed corporate crises and repairing the harms of majority-white workplaces, the answers always seemed to involve a lot of money — full-time consultants, week-long trainings, new hires, new departments, counselors, things that were only possible for teams that had actual offices. We couldn’t do that. But. Thanks to you, we were able to do a lot we wouldn’t have been able to otherwise. We were able to bring in a coach to help mend some of the broken interpersonal dynamics on our senior staff and build our leadership and management skills. We are scheduling diversity / inclusion / equity / racial justice trainings for next year. We’ve raised our rates and salaries. We’ve done restorative justice work. We’ve been able to pay everyone who worked on processing A-Camp problems with us. (Sidenote: we have decided to take a break from A-Camp in 2020 in order to repair and regroup!). We were able to have extensive, measured, and carefully designed processes for hiring new writers and new full-time employees. All of this is thanks to you. We know typically the results of your fundraising money and subscription support are immediately visible externally, and we know that hasn’t necessarily been the case with us, but that’s changing and it’s gonna keep changing.

We’ve made two big hires that we are VERY excited about: Kamala Puligandla has joined us as our new Deputy Editor! You can read her introduction post here to learn all about her and why she’s so smart and fun and cool and to thoroughly understand why we are so thrilled to have her on our team.

We’ve also hired Nicole Hall as the part-time director of the very program via which you are reading this newsletter — A+. Nicole doesn’t have an intro post for me to link to but I can tell you that Nicole lives in Pittsburgh and comes to us with extensive experience in arts fundraising, including work for an art studio and gallery in San Francisco, Pittsburgh’s Mattress Factory (an art museum) and her current gig at the Bricolage Immersive Theater Production Company.  I am already blown away by her ideas and what we’ll be able to do with her help in 2020, assuming we don’t all melt into the ocean!

Thank you for sticking with us and believing in us, even when it seemed impossible to do so.

Love,

Riese / Laneia / Rachel / Heather / Carmen / Kamala / Sarah

Top 10 Most Popular Posts From November

These posts were hella popular last month.

1. 82 Queer TV Shows to Stream on Netflix, by Riese
2. Roxane Gay and Debbie Millman Are ENGAGED! Love Is Indeed Not a Lie! by Carmen
3. Top 25 Most Egregious Acts of Queerbaiting on TV, by Heather
4. Brigette Lundy-Paine Is Non-Binary: “Atypical” Star Comes Out on Instagram, by Bailey
5. Let It Snow Review: Finally a Queer Christmas Movie!, by Drew
6. Unfortunately There Is Such a Thing as Too Much Processing; Here’s How Not To, by Vanessa
7. No Filter: Kristen Stewart’s 100% Ready To Marry Her Girlfriend and Hayley Kiyoko Has Bangs Now, by Riese
8. Portrait of a Lady on Fire is a Feat of Lesbian Gaze, by Drew
9. Alice Preps For Seven-Minute Sex In New “L Word: Generation Q” Trailer, by Riese
10. Every “L Word” Sex Scene, Ranked, by Riese + the TV Team

Nine Important Excerpts From Editorial Conversations

Carmen: HELLO! Apparently Jennifer Beals called herself Santa and that’s all I could handle today:

Valerie: !!
Carmen: I think Kayla would say something like: Gift me, Mommi
Valerie: QUICK someone rewrite the words to santa baby to be Santa Mommi

Riese: Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doooo
Iiiiiiii
Don’t want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree
I just want someone to write about bombshell
More than you could ever know
Heather: i’ll make your christmas dreams come true
Riese: Make my wish come trueeee
YESSSSSSSSSSS
Heather: you really sold that intro with the doot doots!
Riese: Thank you there is no song in the world I’ve listened to more than all I want for Christmas is you
Except maybe ave Maria
this is almost but not quite as great as the Hanukkah when I got a plastic refrigerator filled with plastic food so I could FINALLY start my restaurant in the basement
This is a close second
Heather: omg i always wanted one of those!
i love that you immediately opened a restaurant!
Riese: It was LIT my plastic food
Of course I did! My stuffed animals were starving for a nice night out
Heather: hahahaha!
entrepreneur life
Riese: I wanted to build community
Also my brother
Was definitely looking for a job
At my restaurant
What a time to be alive in my basement
Heather: what was your signature dish
Riese: A wedge of cheese next to a roll
Heather: :joy:
Riese: was this…. my first cheese plate

Heather: wait what. michael b. jordan was on all my children? did i know this?!

(i’m looking for a young bianca photo, not stalking michael b. jordan.) (mostly)
Carmen: FUN FACT!!!! Michael B Jordan (Killmonger) and Chadwick Boseman (Black Panther) actually shared THE SAME ROLE on All My Children!
Heather: WHAT
also i just accidentally sent our accountant a photo of michael b. jordan instead of a screenshot of a receipt, so.

Valerie: someone is in AS’s mentions saying “do your research” to heather about ANNE LISTER
and i’m cackling at the idiocy
Heather: who said what to me
Natalie: LOL
Valerie: they were like “ANNE LISTER IS NOT A FICTIONAL CHARACTER DO YOUR RESEARCH”
i blocked them from my personal account
on principle
Heather: lol
lololol
Valerie: no one tries to talk to heather anne hogan about anne lister in my house :gentleman-jack:
with such DISRESPECT
Heather: do they think… suranne jones is a time traveler doing a… documentary?
Valerie: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:
they sure might
Heather: these gentleman jack stans might want to casually peruse her wikipedia; this story does not end well.

Carmen: Laneia — I’ve never read Little Fires Everywhere, but I think based on this teaser, this is going to be extremely our shit:

I’m also going to tag @rachel because she’s perhaps read the book and @riese because she likes murderous white women who murder (I don’t know, it looks like murder) (glamorous murder) (but still murder)
Laneia: oh i love white women murdering people
Carmen: YES! A true iconic genre to be honest
Riese: i read the book
Laneia: i love it when middle age white women lose their shit and yell in lengthy monologues, too, but ONLY fictionally, and than after that, the murderers
Riese: little fires everywhere i read it
Carmen: Riese, is there glamorous murder?
Laneia I appreciate that our specific interest in this type of television overlaps. I was like, what is this “Big Little Lies but starring Kerry Washington and keeping Riese Witherspoon” sign me the fuck up
Laneia: omg kerry washington!
DOES SHE ALSO MURDER
OMG
are they competitively murdering???
lord help me are they trying to murder the same person
and then the sexual tension builds
and they have to have sex and thus MISS THEIR CHANCE TO DO THE MURDER

Riese: do you think making an omelette with mushrooms and tomatoes would be weird
this is a question for the team
Sarah: why would it be weird
Riese: idk if i’ve ever made an omelette with tomatoes?
also i am really bad at instagram copy but i am trying to think of something for the merch post
Sarah: what if the caption was
look at all these shirts!! did you know they’re on sale?
what about
you have a body, these shirts need a home
Laneia: hello hi it is me, i love this second one
Riese: it’s good to hit ’em with the truth
Laneia: you have a body, these shirts need a home, GET THEM FOR XX% OFF
Riese: they do have a body, and they should own that
mhm
Laneia: also riese if you have feta it will make the omelette better
with the tomatoes
Riese: i have… cheddar
i think i might just made eggs without anything involved in them
it makes sense though that feta would make it better
why is that?
Laneia: follow your heart
Riese: i’m trying to understand cooking food
in 2020
do i associate tomatoes with feta b/c of greek salad or is there like some strategy around it
Laneia: i think bc it’s tangy and would cut through the earthy mushroom situation
idk i’m just a girl laying in her bed canceling all of her lex dates bc she’s too sick
Sarah: YES AND ALSO a creamier or crumbly cheese in omelettes is so good like fresh white cheese
i don’t like cheddar bc it becomes a cheddar island
like coagulation island
Riese: i think i’m just gonna make eggs and then stand here at this kitchen island eating cherry tomatoes out of the container
Laneia: a perfect plan

Riese: :-(

Valerie: my brother is watching the second season of You in this room i am also in and i would like to give that a hearty “seconded”
Heather: the last thing on earth any man needs to be watching is hashtag you!
Valerie: victoria pedretti deserves better
and every time he comes anywhere near jenny ortega i want to do three murders
Heather: i would much rather watch a show where you do three murders than hashtag you on lifetime

Heather: to truly understand what i mean when i say i grew up in rural north georgia, let me present you with my teenage and early adulthood southern baptist pastor, the man who performed my sister’s wedding, and who called me into his church office over one dozen times to scold me for not yet being married by the age of 25. yes that’s right, it’s twitter’s #2 worldwide trending topic, former minister now congressman doug collins!

Laneia: AAAAHHHHHHHHHH
well he sure is an annoying cuss
Heather: yes, and he has always sounded like a weasel
like a cartoon weasel
Laneia: he sounds like he had a mid-morning show on the local radio station
the one where there’s a standing segment for people selling their lightly used farm equipment
Heather: lol absolutely. that is exactly what he sounds like.
Laneia: (in my hometown this segment was called ‘trade time’)

Best Laid Plan(ner)s

Every month a different writer will give you a sneak peak into their notebook organization situation. This month Shelli’s giving you a tour of her whole planner scenario.



What We’ve Been Reading

Natalie: Lost Children Archive by Valeria Luiselli

Heather Children of Virtue and Vengeance (Legacy of Orisha) by Tomi Adeyemi

Malic: The Recovering by Leslie Jamison

Meg: Initiated: Memoir of a Witch by Amanda Yates Garcia

Casey: Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo and Galileo by Ann McMan

Vanessa: Everybody (Else) Is Perfect: How I Survived Hypocrisy, Beauty, Clicks, and Likes by Gabrielle Korn

KaeLyn: The Nobodies: A Novel by Liza Palmer

Drew: Rubyfruit Jungle by Rita Mae Brown and Voyage in the Dark by Jean Rhys

Himani: The Sensational Life and Death of Qandeel Baloch by Sanam Maher

MEET A WRITER’S PET!

Get to know some of our writer’s pets. This month Malic would like to introduce you to their girlfriend’s Schnauzer-Yorkie, Ukuelele!

What’s your favorite food (includes human food)?
I like Chicken Sticks because they’re delicious and also because chickens are birds and every bird must be destroyed.

What’s your most perfect sleeping scenario?
54 soft blankets in a big, big pile just for me and NO BIRDS.

If you could have a home on the beach, near mountains, or in a lush forest, which would you pick and why?
Oh, gosh. Oceans and mountains and trees all sound pretty scary on account of all those nasty birds. Can I pick the pile of 54 soft blankets?

Would you say you’ve seen a ghost?
Where’s the toast?!

Which famous or fictional dog do you look up to and why?
Well, I’m a Shnorkie, which is a mix between and Schnauzer and a Yorkie. I look up to Clifford, mostly on account of me being very small and Clifford being very big.

What do you wish you could say to your parents?
I would tell my Mom and my Ma that the End Times are coming unless we destroy all birds. And I would tell them that I love them and also that I don’t want to wear my cowgirl costume ever again.

View this post on Instagram

This cuddleupagus leaves town on Tuesday. 😭😭😭

A post shared by Malic White (@internationalmisterpleather) on

SLACKERS

The top ten most used public Autostraddle Slack channels in 2019!

1. #pizza-party-friday
let’s get weird and fun

2. #fashion-style
to discuss, share ideas/links, and pitch all things fashion, style, beauty, etc.

3. #are-u-the-one
for discussion of our new collective favorite tv show (maybe? lol)

4. #music
hi is there a music that is good that is new that you think we should be talking about? COOL LET’S TALK ABOUT IT

5. #website-issues
problems and bugs with the website, wordpress issues, server issues, the website is down, something is broken, etc.

6. #socialmedia
want something RT’d or someone @’d? let us know here!

7. #vapidfluff
what the hell do you think

8. #general
to share relevant links, ideas, crowd-source and feedback (replaces weekly email). pitches should be directed to the #pitch channel.

9. #links
to share links for link roundups. links will be deleted as they’re used!

10. #freeform
a channel for general convos and general announcements! a chill place!

Sober January Retro-Reading

Many humans celebrate January with a month off the sauce (by “the sauce” I mean ALCOHOL). Here’s some help regarding what to do instead of going to the bar and getting drunk.

How to Throw a Tea Party (2013), by Vanessa, Rachel and Laneia – Who needs drinks when you have a hot cup of TEA and a CAKE and fancy OUTFITS??

Gayme Night: Gather Your Party, Let’s Play Dungeons and Dragons (2017), by Austen – If you were inspired by Heather Hogan to start your own Dungeons & Dragons situation, here’s a place to start.

Holiday Mocktail and Hors d’oeuvre Pairings (2014), by Ginger Hale – “Some people pity me that I cannot drink, especially around the holidays. But, sobriety has made my world so much bigger, not smaller. For example, I no longer default to the routine pairing of food with wine. Instead, I can really think about complex food and drink pairings that are layered and interesting.”

The Doing the Damn Thing Series (2018), by Heather Hogan – The time is now the place is here!

Sew You Want to Learn to Sew: Fabric, Patterns, and Resources, Oh My! (February 2016), by Jasika Nicole — Can you believe that famed actress Jasika Nicole took a moment right here with all of us to teach us how to sew? She did!

Winter Gym Class: We’re Going Snowshoeing (February 2018), by Katrina – Replace your hangover with snow-shoes in the snow! But also if snow-shoeing is not your jam “Gym Class” was a whole damn series full of fun ways to move your body around, like learning the basics of basketball, beginner workouts and cross-fit.

Five Posts Rachel Can’t Believe You Motherf*ckers Didn’t Read Last Month

The Summer Ari Lennox Saved Me, by Shelli

I could not be more enamored of this essay! It’s such a gorgeous and brave expansion of Shelli’s voice on the site and I feel so honored that she chose us as a home for it.

Trans Women of Color Organizers Are Building a Movement to Decriminalize Sex Work in D.C., by Neesha

Neesha is so wildly talented and there are so few topics I would rather read them on; please get into this immediately thank you so much!

Take Autostraddle’s Politics Survey: We Want Your Queer Opinions, by Himani

Is this really a “post” I am asking you to “read?” What do those words even mean, really. This is a first-of-its-kind-ever political survey aiming to help us understand, analyze and share insights about the political views and values of the queer community, and YOUR TIME IS NOW. Please take it when you have a chance and share it with your friends, lovers, nemeses, etc!

Lesbian and Bisexual Women of History Who Were Obsessed with Their Dogs, Part 4, by Sally

To those of you who have just arrived to this enervating and edifying series, welcome! It’s a fucking delight.

The Top 100 Queer and Trans Women of Color Television Characters in TV History, by Natalie and Carmen

I legitimately cannot even believe we were able to publish this! The incredible work Carmen, Natalie and Sarah put in on this is so inspiring to me and the resource itself is something I’d be thrilled to find on any site, let alone our own. Amazing!!!

Social Media Spotlight

And now! Our annual list of top tweets, by month!

January

February

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

October

November

December

Make a Priory of the Orange Tree Candle, You Cowards

Carmen: If you were a white lesbian mother of two pre-teens in your 40s, what would you want for christmas?
OMG This is the exact right group to ask that question!
Riese: the mother is in the 40s?
or the kids?
Carmen: the mother!
My god sister’s fiancee is: white, lesbian, mother of 2, in her early (?) 40s
Heather: the outer worlds for ps4
or luigi’s mansion three
wait for the mom, right?
Carmen: yes!
I loved that the answers were video games
Heather: perfect then yes, those two video games
also white women in their 40s love candles
do you think she wants an “outside with pride” water bottle?
Sarah: LUSH BATH BOMBS
if their PH is stable
Riese: wait you’re almost describing my mom
Carmen: ALSO my god sister: early 40s, soft butch, also white, new step-mom, loves books and jeopardy and sudoku
Fun lesbians I am shopping for!
Riese: hmmm maybe like a trivia-related board game?
Heather: 40 YEAR OLD BUTCH LESBIAN BOOK READER
PRIORY OF THE ORANGE TREE
Riese: HAHAHA
Heather: my cult is well underway
Carmen: HAHAHHAHAHAHAAA
These are all such great suggestions!
Kamala: i’m getting slippers for the older lesbs in my life
Laneia: god i would kill for some fucking slippers
Carmen: Slippers!! So cozy
Hahaha, Laneia yes that’s good advice. Jane (the fiancee) is like if Laneia was into science
Laneia, but a science nerd.
That’s the vibe
Kate (my god sister) is Heather in all ways, but make it fashion. Like a Heather who shops for fun.
Laneia: i’m hoping that someone under the sun gets me an insulated tumbler for my tea and coffee so maybe also that
Heather: matching slippers!
Laneia: this is also a fascinating way to explain people
Heather: you are describing an anti-heather!
Laneia: !!!
Carmen: She’s a big hearted soft butch who loves animals and reading and quiet time on the couch in a blanket
Heather: just kidding i do love to shop for candles
Riese: ……
Riese: she’s heather???
Heather: oh my
Riese: like
Heather: nvm you are describing an actual heather

XOXO

Team Autostraddle

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Riese

Riese is the 43-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3300 articles for us.

29 Comments

  1. “ i don’t like cheddar bc it becomes a cheddar island
    like coagulation island”
    OMG Yes Sarah is so right

  2. Hello, please could you correct the typo in the opening sentence. You’ve accidentally pluralised “Sallys” but I do not recognise the existence of other people called Sally in my personal belief system.

  4. In an incredible coincidence, I was also recently debating making a mushroom and tomato omelette when trying to use up stuff before going away for holidays. I concluded that the tomato may get weird and semi-mushy so just settled on a mushroom omelette and made the tomato into a salsa with some other fridge remains, which worked a treat.

    If this comment has a moral, I think it’s that you should always believe your life is fancy enough for a side salad and garnish.

  5. Hello! I’ve been processing a lot of grief about camp’s hiatus, which has been hard to put into words, especially as I want to be respectful of other peoples’ experiences. I’m beyond grateful for the experiences I’ve had, I’m grateful for the work you are doing and I very much hope that camp resumes stronger than ever in 2021! <3

    • Camp was a life changing event, rare and special. deepest admiration and my strongest appreciation goes to everyone involved in creating and running it. I’m so happy that I got to experience It.

    • I planned to go to camp this year for the first time so I’m bummed! But looking forward to 2021…!

  8. Wait a sec, heather, your minister was really Doug Collins or just someone very similar to Doug Collins? This thought is very disturbing

    • Yep! That exact Doug Collins was the pastor who finally drove me out of church! He was the pastor at Chicopee Baptist Church in Gainesville, GA, which is my hometown and where I attended church (and was even the youth minister employed by him!) in my 20s. He really did perform my sister’s wedding. I babysat his kids. I keep thinking I’ll write about it but then I stop myself because I don’t want the ranking member of the House Judiciary Committee to sue me!

      • Woah!! 😬😰🤯

        You should write about it! But. I get that. He is pretty terrifying to me and that’s just in my tv not in my real-life memory!!

  9. I’m a 40 year old white woman and I don’t like candles. I assumed candles were predominantly a straight woman thing and am now dismayed that I am in a smaller minority than I thought.

  10. @hishelli thx for sharing your planner! I’m bowled over at the idea you may have actually acquired a couch, so nonchalantly, just as like, another item on your to-do list.

    • Omigosh thanks so much!! It took forever to choose one so I’m happy it’s done — just gotta put it together now lol

      • congrats! yeah acquiring a couch would be like a 10 step process for me :p luckily my previous roommate left me on so . . . cheers & have fun putting it together when you get to it :)

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