Letter From Your Editors

Hello spring chickens!

Here are some FRESH f*cking faces for you:

Molly // Vanessa // Alexis // Sarah // Riese Laneia // Kayla // Al(aina) Stef // Carmen // Heather // KaeLyn Mika // Rachel

Well! We had a wonderful birthday month, and we hope you enjoyed it too — all the touching essays, the epic yearbook project, the cards you sent us, the cake Reneice made, and Emily Choo’s really wonderful essay that made me cry! We were going to launch a fundraising campaign this month, but forces of the universe conspired to make planning that impossible (including chasing down overdue ad revenue, wheeee!), but we’re really crossing our fingers to get this charging forward next month. I learned a lot from responses to the money survey, including that a lot of our readers actually didn’t even realize that we require their financial support to survive or that A+ existed or donations were possible. So! Overall, only 40% of respondents had ever donated to Autostraddle or joined A+, which means there’s a lot of room for growth. Sarah and I had coffee with a former publisher from Bitch Magazine a few weeks back who gave us so much valuable advice, including that it is really insane that we don’t have any full-time employees dedicated to A+ and fundraising in general. Trying to find the time to plan a fundraising campaign on top of our already maxed-out schedules has really thrown that into perspective, and being able to bring on someone part-time to work on that as well as our email marketing and newsletters is one of our fundraising goals. We’re setting very ambitious financial goals this year if we want to still exist in 2020, but I have faith. It seems like so many big media companies are making huge cuts and seemingly find it impossible to pay their writers on time (y’all, it is not that hard to pay writers on time!), so maybe we’re actually onto something.

We hope you have enjoyed the A+ content we managed to summon into the world this month, which includes and is limited to Some Answers to Some Things You’ve Been Asking Us #24, 10 Queers on How the F*ck We Deal With Our Exes, Monday Roundtable: Our Saturn Returns and It’s Autostraddle’s 10th Birthday: Ask Us Anything!.

Love,

Riese / Laneia / Rachel / Heather / Carmen

Top 10 Most Popular Posts From February

These posts were hella popular last month.

1. 13 Easy Houseplants for Seasonally Depressed Gays and Their Cats, by Rachel
2. Who Do You Love: notallgeminis x Autostraddle Do Queer Valentine’s Day Memes, by Courtney Perkins
3. 68 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About “The L Word”, by Riese
4. 33 Literary Books With Great Lesbian Sex Inside Them, by Riese
5. Queer Horoscopes for February 2019: Time to Get Romantic with Yourself, by Corinna Doss
6. Cast Full of Lesbians: 15 TV Shows That Put Queer Women First, by Riese
7. 10 Queers on How They Figure Out if It’s a Date, by the Team
8. “The L Word” Reboot: Lots of Bette, Shane and Alice, a “Little Browner and a Little Less Cis”, by Heather Hogan
9. Janelle Monáe, Brandi Carlile, Lady Gaga and St. Vincent Gayed Up the 2019 Grammys, by Heather Hogan
10. 95% of Lesbians Keep Their Fingernails Short, All Hands On Deck, by Riese

Nine Important Excerpts From Editorial Conversations

Heather: okay i am going to talk to carmen about photoshop real quick and then i’ll come back here and put in an hour focused on transactions and then pass them off
Carmen: !!! I am carmen! Heather is talking about me!
Sarah: LOL
that’s how i felt when heather asked if she could carry my 24 pack of PBR when i got off the bus at a-camp
i was like “heather hogan is carrying my PBR!!”

Valerie: i just read that she [killed the lesbian character on Coronation Street] because she thought a breakup would hurt the fans’ feelings
girl
please
think about it for like two more seconds
what hurts more… a breakup? or a violent death before your wedding?
i know it’s close but
Heather: break up or getting crushed to literal death by a building?
Valerie: oh jeez
did they actually get married yet? was it like on their wedding day?
wait wasn’t corrie the same show that killed a lesbian on the alter?
or was that another soap
Heather: are you thinking of los hombres de paco?
pepa and silvia?
Carmen: Yes! that’s what I’m thinking of
Natalie: it was on their wedding day
Heather: one of them got gunned down in her wedding dress!
sophie and sian broke up on their wedding day, right?
Valerie: #2 killer of lesbians: weddings
#1 is a tie between ryan murphy and marlene king
love isn’t dead, love is MURDER

Kristin: Hey @channel, need your feedback on this plan please!
Laneia: this seems good to me! i also have never done this before, but i have the confidence of a mediocre white man today, so
Marni: oh wow
Laneia: thinking about getting into beatboxing and talking to my neighbor about how easy it would be to just tap that dent out of her bumper

Laneia: no one has any expandable memories [for the yearbook] from 2011!
Riese: hmmmm
not the best year of anybody’s life i think
i have a memory of almost dying
Laneia: it goes from the early baby days of 09 and 10 to A-CAMP
Riese: it wasn’t super easy to find pics of 2011 either! besides from dinah
and even those were sparse
Laneia: what were we doing? just barely hanging on
even robin’s quote that i have in the box is about camp
omg there’s not even ephemera from then!
yikes
Riese: oh really?
Laneia: 3 lil pieces
2 are ugly and they are mine
Riese: oh we only need 2
sarah said we should only have two
Sarah: lolol
“2 are ugly and they are mine” is how i describe my worst traits

Kristin: Riese who would u do [A-Camp] sex collaging with
Riese: um, i might need a new twist b/c i don’t think i could just read sarah’s story again
but i would do it with like, sarah and lizz rubin
i could just riff about having sex for 45 minutes
Laneia: please do that
these people paid good money
Riese: topics could include…
spanking someone with a wooden spoon
Kristin: great
a wooden spoon?
that seems counterintuitive to me
Riese: yes with slats
Kristin: OHHHH
slats changes things
Laneia: that’s an incredibly inventive way to break a fever
Riese: thank you

Laneia: HI SORRY i’m here and i can be on a call!
Riese: hello i’m here also
Sarah: i am here too
well i have to pee
but then i’m here
Laneia: GET IT TOGETHER
jklu
Sarah: W O W
okay here ready
Laneia: same!
Sarah: i’m a million different people from one day to the next
i
can
change
my mold
oh no no no noooooo
BUT I’M HERE IN MY MOLD YES I’M HERE IN MY MOLD

Sarah: whoooaaa umm is it being like super slow to move things around
Laneia: i’ts dragging asssssssss
yes
my computer has tried to die several times and i’m like NO ! NO ! YOU HAVE SO MUCH LEFT TO LIVE FOR
Sarah: wowow i need ice cream after this
Laneia: do you think
anyone
will ever love this yearbook
the way we love this yearbook
or is it best not to think of those things
Riese: carmen likes it!
Sarah: they’ll love it!
Laneia: i felt like that could just be the sudafed but ok
Sarah: very close to being done
this is fucking cute guys
not just saying that cause i designed it
Laneia: it is real cute it’s true
qute

Laneia: Found this, Riese

Laneia: Thank you for sending me toilet paper in 2014
Riese: i wonder why i sent you toilet paper
Laneia: i guess i was out of toilet paper

Meet A New Contributor!

Get to know some of our newest faces.

Alice Sparkly Kat, Contributor

Twitter: @alicesparklykat
Instagram: @alicesparklykat
Website: http://www.alicesparklykat.com

What is your favorite kind of sandwich?

Chicken cutlet, no cheese, one slice of tomato, mustard

Describe the worst date you’ve ever been on.

Got stood up by my partner at the time

What’s something you’ve been really proud of lately?

I’ve gotten really good at handling rejection. I didn’t realize how empowering this would be. It means that I can go after the things that I used to be afraid of.

If you could only use one emoji for the rest of your life, what would it be?

囧

Advanced Level Butt Plug

Vanessa: I am scanning all the birthday cards our readers sent us
And I need to know
Did this intrepid soul draw us…a very advanced level butt plug
Or am I losing my mind

Carolyn: safest flange ever
the thread between the smaller two bulbs looks dicey though

What We’ve Been Reading

Natalie: Yes She Can: 10 Stories of Hope & Change from Young Female Staffers of the Obama White House by Molly Dillon

Molly Priddy: Saga Volume 9 by Brian K Vaughn and Fiona Staples

Heather: The Lost Girls of Paris by Pam Jenoff

Alexis: The Essential Dykes To Look Out For by Alison Bechdel

Sarah: The Love and Lies of Rukhsana Ali by Sabina Khan

Al(aina): Zami: A New Spelling of My Name – A Biomythography by Audre Lorde

Vanessa: Valencia by Michelle Tea

Mika: Long Live the Tribe of Fatherless Girls: A Memoir by T Kira Madden

Rachel: The Archive of Alternate Endings, by Lindsey Drager

Riese: Abandon Me: Memoirs, by Melissa Febos

Riese Was Not Letting Heather Off The Hook in 2011

Heather:

Riese: omg heather!
Heather: the funny thing about my journals is how for YEARS i only used your full name
“riese bernard”
i cried talking about you on the phone today, i hope it makes it into the columbia journalism review
Riese: omg heather that is adorable
also now i am looking at my email history with you and there are way more emails than i thought!?!
Heather: i hope i called you by your full name in all of them
Carmen: (Psssst I sent Heather anonymous tumblr messages when she started working here about how excited I was for her! And she published at least one of them!)
Heather: !
Riese:

Heather: 2009!
Laneia: SCREAMED
Riese:

Laneia: I NEVER THANKED YOU FOR YOUR COMMENT
Heather: i was born into this world the way i am and i’ll die this way, thanking you for your comment
Riese: my favorite thing are these UNSENT DRAFTS in this particular time capsule:

Laneia: riese was really not letting you off the hook in feb 2011
Riese: i really was not!!!
i like how i maintained a real level of intensity here with you
Heather: this is why i was crying to jake from cjr!
i was like “jake, can you imagine how tired she must be?? the world on her shoulders, jake!”

MEET AN TEAM MEMBER’S PET!

Get to know some of our staff’s pets. Today we’ll get to know more about Tech Director Cee’s dog, Potato! Even though she’s still a puppy, Potato is already quite a celebrity around these parts. You can follow her on Instagram!

View this post on Instagram

Potato went to the beach for the first time yesterday! It was 72 degrees and wonderful. It was the warmest weather she’s ever experienced and she loved digging in the sand and all the new smells.

A post shared by Potato The Corgi (@potato_corgo) on Mar 19, 2019 at 8:17am PDT

What’s your favorite food (includes human food)?

I really like anything that isn’t my bikkies, that means kibble – one of my dads is Australian. I especially love bacon and freeze dried chicken and cheese. I also eat a lot of dirt and mulch and mildly toxic plants (and the living room rug) (and the cat toys).

What’s your most perfect sleeping scenario?

Currently I sleep upside down with a stuffed koala on the floor of a crate because I hate dog beds. I’d prefer to sleep with the humans. I also nap on the floor behind the toilet because it’s safe from the cats who hate me.

If you could have a home on the beach, near mountains, or in a lush forest, which would you pick and why?

I just went to the beach for the first time last week. The dry sand was a little weird on my paws, but I did really like the smells and I found a mussel shell which smelled great and I liked digging in the wet sand and ran a lot.

Would you say you’ve seen a ghost?

No, but I may have been possessed by a demon during my first three weeks at home and sometimes that demon comes out still when I’m really tired. I am hoping my humans don’t leave me in a free box on the side of the road because of it.

Which fictional dog do you look up to and why?

I really am hoping that someday my friend Frankie the Aussie Shepherd will pay attention to me. Right now she ignores me. Is Frankie a fictional dog? Not sure what fiction means – I’m a puppy. I also wish the other puppies at puppy socials would let me herd them! It’s so fun! Why don’t they like it?

What do you wish you could say to your parents?

Why do you get to eat bacon and I have to eat bikkies? Why can’t I bite your ankles though? Why won’t the cats play with me?

View this post on Instagram

Potato!

A post shared by Potato The Corgi (@potato_corgo) on Mar 5, 2019 at 7:27pm PST

SLACKERS

HAPPY SPRINGTIME!

Spring Has Sprung Retro-Reading

Some previous posts related to growing things that Riese thinks you might enjoy.

via a “Mojito Granita” recipe Get Baked and Toasted: Get Out of Your Gardening Predica-mint

Cacti For All: Don’t Let a Black Thumb of Death Get You Down, by Kristen Ford (2013) – “Succulents are The Most Thoughtful Houseplants Ever because they want you to ignore them.”

Let’s Pick Flowers, Save Flowers, Make Flower-Saving Books Together, by carmen (2012) – “Whether or not you’re at Camp, a flower-filled life is a ful-filled life, so let’s learn how to press flowers together! And then let’s make pretty books to hold them in.”

For Your Consideration: Buying Another Houseplant That You Know Will Die, by Laneia (2018) – “What are you capable of in this life? What are your limitations, both imagined and enforced? What can you do? You know what you can do.”

Follow Your Arrow: Mushroom Grower Marita Smith on Patience, Permaculture and Petri Dishes, by Beth Maiden (2017) – “I run a one-woman gourmet mushroom farm. My aim is to grow nutritious food for my local community and provide others with the means to do the same. I believe we should be growing as much of our own food as possible, and mushrooms fit neatly into any sustainable growing system.”

A Custom Fit: Container Gardening, by Laura (2012) – You can start a garden in your kitchen, bathroom or bedroom and have something living and breathing and green in your house all year long.

Have Mercy!

Carmen: Good Morning!
Did y’all hear that Aunt Becky and my second favorite Desperate Housewife are hardcore criminals now?
Laneia: no but i’m supporting it whatever it is
Carmen: Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin among those arrested in college admissions fraud scheme
Laneia: ok fuck well i don’t support this BUT i’m excited for them to spend more of their money to get out of this and then be a little closer to not being so rich
i could buy such a new car with 15k!
like a nice certified used car i mean
becky come on
Carmen: I am so shocked by this!
Laneia: she spent so much money
you could just pay the tuition
Carmen The $15k really also go me because…. the girl they paid only got a 1420 or something out of 1600
Which is very good score!
But… for $15,000 I think I would need a perfect result.
Laneia: mhmhhhhmmmmmmm
Carmen: An above-average braniac can score 1420. I feel like I had some nerdy high school friends who really missed out on a side hustle opportunity here.
Laneia: this is a lot for a tuesday aunt becky
Carmen: have mercy!
Laneia: carmen i choked
Carmen: HAhahahhahahahaha! Glad to have brought you some joy! Hope you cleared your air passages! love you
Heather Hogan: this is so weird to me! why didn’t they just pay to put them into those private middle and high schools where everyone gets into an ivy anyway?
Carmen: I can’t wrap my head around being rich enough to have access to “legal” ways to bribe my kid into these schools, and then instead being like “no I’ll conspire to break the law instead.” Like Aunt Becky is married to the man who makes all the clothes for Target! ALL THE TARGET CLOTHES! They have so much money. He designed like half of my closet.
Heather Hogan: holy cats are you serious?
Carmen: Yeah his last name is Mossimo, as in the target brand of clothes.
Heather Hogan: oh!
Carmen: I… just checked. I’m wearing a Mossimo shirt and boxers. right this moment.

Five Posts Rachel Can’t Believe You Motherf*ckers Didn’t Read Last Month

The Magic Fish, by Ally

This is so tender and sweet and I remember the editorial team reading it as a submission and thinking “the readers will really love this,” and I stand by that assertion! Y’all will love this, give it a read.

The Harassment of Young M.A. and Including Black Butches When We Talk About Violence, by Lex

This story has just broken my heart as it developed and I’m so grateful for Lex’s clear and thoughtful unpacking of it and what’s at stake for Black butch and masculine women in the public discourse; I know you will be too.

Ultimate 90s MRI: A Fertility Playlist, by Jennifer B

This essay is as beautiful and unexpected as the title — I love pieces like this that get at something deeply personal and hard to talk about with the detail that defines it, and I have loved this piece over and over again every time I’ve read it. So will you!

“Shameless” Racked Up 15+ Queer Women Characters While You Were Getting High, by Riese and Valerie

Shameless is such a weird and intense show and really a whole world, and even as someone somewhat invested in the franchise I managed to miss how many of these queer women there are? Perhaps you did too! You will be thrilled to know, if that is the case, that Valerie and Riese have gone very very thorough on this and I think you’ll be delighted by their comprehensive considerations even if you aren’t into the show.

Chasing Amy, by Kennedy

I am so proud of having been the editor on this essay, and without diminishing my love and devotion to the other pieces I’ve worked on throughout this issue, I feel so deeply attached to this piece and love it so dearly! Laneia called it gutting, and it is, and also makes me feel very alive and very happy to be; I’m so grateful to have gotten to work with this piece and so grateful to you for reading it!

Social Media Spotlight

Our Twitter mentions have been an absolute nightmare for… a while — but last Sunday, for one brief and shining afternoon, they became magical.

Cancel Brexit https://t.co/2lVIWaF3GD

— ainsindahouse (@ainsindahouse) March 24, 2019

God i f*ck with good hard-hitting journalism https://t.co/98no7a4rFp

— kingcutie👶🏽 (@hermithefreak) March 24, 2019

THEY WERE IN LOVE I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH https://t.co/8EFfVDMbHz

— jen (@Dudgate) March 24, 2019

WITNESS ME!!!!!!!!!! https://t.co/smMXD9ql9V

— 𝔢𝔯𝔦𝔫☁️ (@favoriterecord) March 25, 2019

Y’all talking about the Mueller report and missing the real news https://t.co/e5PDQ2COmK

— Courtney (@Courtwizzleby) March 25, 2019

candle light and soul forever
a dream of you and me together https://t.co/aUlSd8VXUI

— Making Pennies (@MakingPennies) March 25, 2019

Strap girls https://t.co/eGBUvbfhYu

— mister mommas (@rosenblahh) March 25, 2019

The “B” in Wannabe is “boned” https://t.co/2iNC8P8TyH

— adèle haenel’s wife (@SexbombNoelle) March 25, 2019

these ! women ! raised ! me ! https://t.co/DMpg3STxWu

— frida kahloka #OustDuterteNow (@notyourvagina) March 25, 2019

NOW DO BACKSTREET BOYS https://t.co/sBwhQoyBEF

— 🦅🥞frybread power🥞🦅 (@RandiFoorDalton) March 25, 2019

THIS CURED ME OF MONDAY https://t.co/qmcV3W3dgW

— Christina Wolfgram (@itsthecwolf) March 25, 2019

They had a whole ass RELATIONSHIP lol that’s why the group was in shambles for so long https://t.co/4RChchRlAT

— tori (@skinstrash) March 25, 2019

What kind of ao3 shit is this lmaoo https://t.co/Ti8GHenlup

— xotrca† (@hesitantricia) March 27, 2019

JK ROWLING IS SHAKING!!!!! https://t.co/XRAl4scmtV

— Coveid High Harmony (@dances) March 24, 2019

2 Became 1 https://t.co/6E9g7ZpyHB

— Ash Dylan (@AshDylanLit) March 24, 2019

a rejected merch idea

Tried To Get 100 Campers From the San Bernardino Mountains to Venice Beach and then to the airport in four hours flat? Try Barefoot Wine

Riese: found this gem in the archives:

Marni: Great day
Robin: Omg my best nervous breakdown
You guys witnessed me crack!! Lol
Look at my eyes I look possessed
Riese: i do love that you are holding barefoot wine in that nervous breakdown picture
Robin: haha
i feel like its the perfect ad for that wine
Riese: the only situation in which one might consider barefoot wine
would be that situation
Robin: yes
agree

XOXO

Team Autostraddle

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