Q:
I’m in a new relationship where I’m trying really really hard not to repeat the patterns of my last relationship. The short version: I find it nearly impossible to talk about sex and ask for what I want. My sexual shame was not THE reason me and my ex broke up after two years together, but it certainly contributed to our issues. She did everything she could to create a safe environment for me and I just couldn’t do it.
Now I’m in a new relationship, have had some therapy, though I can’t afford to continue. And I’m having the same problems. I cannot talk about sex or ask for what I want sexually. It literally makes me break out in hives. I’d rather say nothing and keep having sex that is fine even if not exactly what I want. I don’t think I even deserve what I want if I can’t ask for it right? I’ve only been seeing my girlfriend for a few months and I’ve talked to her a bit about my talking about sex issues. She’s super kind and understanding but I just feel like it could create issues in the long run. I’m fine with her talking about what she likes and wants during sex but when it comes to myself I find it nearly impossible. Like I’m interested in some things I’ve never really had the courage to ask for like anal and stuff. But when I try to put it to words I shut down and get SWEATY it is not cute.
I’ve tried so many things. Closing my eyes while talking. Getting drunk (I know that’s a bad solution). I just can’t get there. I guess I’m just wondering if there’s any last ditch strategies anyone has or if anyone can relate or if I should just give up trying all together and accept that this is the way life has to be.
A:
Hi! First I just want to say, everyone deserves the sex they want to have, full stop. You shouldn’t punish yourself here. If talking about sex is too hard for you, that’s totally understandable — and relatable! Once upon a time, I really struggled here as well. I may not have had all the physiological side effects you describe, but it still felt like a total block. And I also sometimes relied on alcohol to ease me into these conversations. You’re right; it’s not a great or healthy solution by any means, but it’s an impulse I understand and do not judge you for.
It sounds like there could be some underlying trauma here. At the very least, there’s a heavy layer of shame. It’s good you’ve sought out therapy for this in the past, but I’m also sympathetic toward the fact that that is no longer financially viable, so I won’t push that as an option too much. But it does sound, of course, like some self-work needs to be done here but also like it has perhaps happened in some capacity already. As far as short term solutions go, I have an idea of something to try out: writing.
I did notice something about your letter: You wrote that you want anal. That’s specific! You wrote it! And submitted it to me, another person, to read. With also the understand that other people would read it. Sure, it’s anonymous and sure I’m not your partner, but that’s huge! You do know what you want or want to try, and you’re able to express it, just not verbally. I think we talk a big game about open and honest communication here in this advice column, but I think it’s easier said than done.
Hear me out: What if you tried writing down your desires? This can be an incredibly liberating practice, even if it’s just done privately. You don’t detail the kinds of things you’ve tried already, but if this isn’t one, give it a whirl. Keep a sex journal. Do it just for yourself at first. Write down what you want, what feels good, what you haven’t tried but want to. Explore that on the page and see how that feels.
Then, see if you’re able to let your girlfriend in through writing too. You could show her passages from your sex journal or writer her a letter or even write her an email. I’m serious! That may sound impersonal and awkward, but it doesn’t have to be. This was a strategy I used when I was younger when it came to talking about mental health with my parents and other people in my life. I could not do it verbally, but I could be super super open in a written form. I think having a conversation with your girlfriend ahead of time — not about sex itself but about the fact that you have things you want to express pertaining to sex over email/in a letter/etc — could lay safe groundwork to communicate in this slightly non traditional but still totally valid way.
I want you to be able to ask for what you want, because again, I think everyone deserves this. But if you have to find an alternative way to communicate, that’s totally fine, and I encourage you to at least try. Maybe this process will help you eventually be able to communicate verbally. But that also doesn’t have to be the end goal right away. The end goal should be you self-advocating for pleasure, however that might look for you!
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
Comments
I was also going to suggest writing (especially after they named some specific desires in the letter). I too find it much easier to express myself in writing, also because it means I don’t have to be hyper-aware of my response (or my facial reactions) versus having an in-person conversation.
I know she already verbalizes them, but writing can also be a way for your girlfriend to share desires or interests or preferences… it doesn’t have to feel like a one-way, like you are unloading some big secret you’ve kept locked up.
Maybe reframing this not as a problem to be solved but as finding new/different ways to communicate about this will take some of the pressure off (it seems like it is weighing on you a lot, LW). And I wonder if there a way to make it feel more playful? Like, if writing things out in a narrative like a letter feels too overdetermined, maybe you two can text about it while not being in the same space? Or leave little notes for each other and pass them back and forth?
ooooo passing notes back and forth is a great idea!
If you find writing out of the blue daunting, maybe a sexual yes/no/maybe checklist could be a nice starting point for discussing specific activities (although it won’t work as well if you want to give feedback to your partner). This one is actually from autostraddle ! https://develop.autostraddle.com/you-need-help-here-is-a-worksheet-to-help-you-talk-to-partners-about-sex-237385/
My younger self really relates to this question. I think writing is a great idea and it did help me, but there were some other things I found helpful too. I think the biggest one was spend time listening to other people talk about sex in open and joyful ways. Podcasts were really helpful there. They gave me a broader sense of the range of desires and relationships to desire that are possible for people, and modeled a kind of comfort I didn’t have. I tended to pick ones that covered quite a wide range (mostly advice to start with), so they included but didn’t focus on things I was interested in myself, and, most importantly, where I enjoyed the hosts and the energy and perspective they brought. It wasn’t a quick fix at all, but over time I got more comfortable hearing the words and then speaking them as well. Eventually, I even started listening where my partner could hear too and we could pause and comment, thus bringing things up in a neutral way.
I also wonder if there are smaller things you could share with your partner around sex that might help you move towards sharing more. Even things as small as “hang on, I need a drink of water,” or “I liked that,” or “more lube,” or “I feel so shy right now” are part of talking about sex and allowing your needs and wants to take up space. Notice if there are things you are already comfortable (or almost comfortable) saying, and start adding more from that comfort line rather than feeling like you have to share the scariest things right away. It’s okay to keep those close until you’re actually ready. I hope though that you can keep on moving towards more comfort and agency in your sex life, and it seems like you’re already taking some big steps to do that.