Questions from the A+ Inbox were taking up such an enormous portion of the A+ Insider that we’ve decided to dedicate an entire post to answering them every month instead! We think this will be a lot of fun for everybody in the whole family. We have included as many as we can. We love you, your hair looks fantastic today!

A-CAMP, MERCH, BUSINESS AND TECHNICAL CONCERNS

You guys I desperately want to go to A-Camp this year, because the last two years, and the last two months in particular, have really been a shit show and I FINALLY feel like I’m starting to get back up on my feet. But I’m having a lot of trepidation about registering for two reasons: 1) a bunch of bad experiences at summer camp as a kid; and 2) My current contract at work is up 5 days before camp starts, and while I’ve been assured by numerous people it’ll very likely get renewed, it’s not a guarantee and even if it does get renewed I have no idea when that will happen and I probably can’t afford camp with out assurances that I’ll have a job when I get him from camp. Someone please reassure me that Autostraddle loves me and that A-campers are gonna be way nicer than all the stuck up bratty girls I went to summer camp with as a kid, and that I am awesome and my contract is TOTALLY gonna get renewed before I have to pay for camp in full on April 1st!!!
Riese: Autostraddle loves you! Part of why I made A-Camp is that I had such a terrible time at summer camp as a kid but always wanted to have had a good time (also; I loved boarding school although it took my eons to feel comfortable there and I wanted to re-create it). A-Campers are gonna be way nicer than all the stuck up bratty girls you went to summer camp with as a kid! Also your contract will totally get renewed, I would renew it right now truly.

Have you ever considered doing an Autostraddle A+ personals post? After the Friday open thread about what’s your type and Alaina’s follow-up post, it’s super cute to see everyone’s responses and potential connections. We could submit personals in advance for screening, kind of like the “queer in the…” photo series. Also, I feel like “reads Autostraddle” is kind of a must for a potential partner. :)
Riese: Oooo that does sound really fun! We have considered it before and the reason we decided against it escapes me at the moment. Once upon a time we did a thing about Autostraddle’s most eligible bachelorettes and everybody liked that but I like the idea of it involving more people. I think it’d just come down to who would coordinate it and go through them and everything.

Yo dear Autostraddle Team — would it be possible to add a link to your “Drawn to Comics”-column to your navigation? I often just fly over the posts when they come out and read them more intensely when I’m on a comic-shopping-spree so this would be easier to navigate.
Riese: It is! Go to “More” and then it’s there under “Geekery.”

Hi! Just FYI, like the writer in the last “Some Things,” I didn’t get a reminder for my A+ renewal either, though I have in previous years. Something might be going wrong there. Thanks for all that y’all do!
Yvonne: Thanks for letting us know! This should be fixed now.

dear god the comments take forever to load and are making the whole site so sucky to use. i can’t even read the comments let alone wait around long enough to add my own.
Heather: I’m sorry you’re having a frustrating experience with the comments. Cee says: “It actually takes the same amount of time to load as before, people are just noticing it b/c they’re having to wait twice — once for the page to load (which now is very fast) and once again for the comments to load (which is still slower, like before).” Almost all big websites load their comments this way; otherwise the regular page takes a lot longer to load and people are more likely to click away. Plus, for our super trafficked posts, if we don’t use this comment plug-in, the pages won’t even load. We’re doing the best we can with the resources available to us. Hopefully it’s worth it to wait an extra second or two to load comments on a highly moderated queer website where your identity and experiences will always be affirmed. Twitter, for example, loads fast as lightning, but, well, you know.

Hey, where is the Getting in Bed with Kristin with Mallory Ortberg? Is it going to be posted on A+?
Heather: Did you know that Daniel Mallory Ortberg just came out as trans on our very website? It’s true! He’s got a lot going on right now with the release of his new book and transition-related things so had to reschedule with Kristin!

Are there pronoun pins for purchase at A-Camp? Mine are not obvious and in a setting with a large group of strangers I’d like to avoid making other folks feel bad…
Riese: Yes, there will be, but also at registration everybody takes a pronoun sticker for their name-tags so you will be armed on many levels.

FREE T SHIRT IDEA: “Part time butch”
Heather: Now I’m singing one of my favorite Stevie Wonder songs, Part-Time Lover. You know it? It’s got a great surprise ending.

Just wanted to let you know that the “SHOP” link in the main header isn’t working. The link is pointed to store.autostraddle.com which takes you back to the main page. Thank you!
Yvonne: Thank you for pointing this out! It should be working now!

Hi! A suggestion re. comments – could you make it so that once it gets to X number of comments (maybe 100 or so) it starts a second page, instead of doing the loading thing? That way we could still click to replies from the sidebar, and it would still let articles load at a reasonable rate.
Cee: I’d love to do that, however I can’t just turn on the comments pagination setting in the WordPress dashboard. Doing so splits the post into several pages which will unfortunately mess with our stats. I need to find a way to do it within the post, like with Ajax or something, but then it’s hard to link to that comment from the sidebar! It’s been on my to do list for some time.

I just bought mine and my gfs plane tickets to camp WAHOOO!!! We were wondering if there was going to be laundry onsite? The baggage fees are a MF and would be cool to know what we can get away with not bringing. (looked for this on camp registration FAQs but couldn’t find the info–apologies if it is there and I missed it!)
Yvonne: Sorry, there isn’t any laundry onsite!

Will there be another YOU DO YOU tee shirt? Just went to the AS store and saw that there are gone..
Sarah: No there will not be! We printed our last run two Christmases ago because they didn’t do very well. I’m sorry about it cause I love them too!

I upgraded to Gold already and got the grey scissoring shirt and it’s wonderful, but I NEED that metallic gold Gal Pal shirt. Where do I send money to make this happen? xoxo 
Yvonne: That shirt is so cute!! If you’re already a Gold A+ member and want the gold Gal Pal shirt, you can get it here.

ALL-CONSUMING NEEDS TO SHARE

Hey fam! I am a huge podcast ho. Lately, I’ve heard some awesome queer posts that I NEED to share with you. I don’t have any queer friends so it makes me teary eyed to hear queer stories that tug on your heartstrings in the best of ways. It means so much more when you’re listening to real people and not just ships on tv, considering how lacking I am in that regard its just a balm on the soul. Heavy but true. Anyway, Here’s The Cowboy of the West Village by the nod, a story about Stormy Delarverie. Then two episodes from where should we begin. The first is one is called two motherless women. The second one is there’s you, there’s me and there’s us. thanks for letting me vent!
Laneia: Thank you for sharing this!!!

HI HEY SO I doodled a character design and posted it online and the girl I like sent me photos of herself cosplaying as it and I’m pretty sure that constitutes flirting but honestly I just really want to scream about it and have somebody scream about it with me
Heather: I would lose my mind if that happened to me! I would run around in circles like a sheep dog until I collapsed on the rug in front of the fire. I hope you’ll fill us in on what happened next!

Laneia: Yeah I am heavily invested in this storyline.

I always was curious about menstrual cups but couldn’t imagine how I would make this work in a residential college campus situation (shared bathrooms, roommates, stuff like that). Flash forward a few years & I work on a college campus now with the menstrual cup I’ve had for 3 years… I love my cup but man there is NO WAY i could have started using one of in college. Emptying & cleaning it is kind of a nightmare at work, so I cannot imagine doing this constantly in the dorms and stuff. Just wanted to say that it’s ok if you wait until after you’re out of dorm/campus life to start using one of these, even though you know you want to do it!
Laneia: What you’re saying is real and true! I’ve been trying to get into cups on and off for about ten years, and JUST LAST MONTH I was able to use my cup exclusively, without resorting to disposable pads.

The thing is…I was having a totally productive day at work but then I remembered that I still can’t watch season two of Take My Wife and now that’s all I can think about.
Heather: TODAY’S YOUR DAY! (By the time you read this, Last Monday will have been your day, but still. I hope you loved it as much as Riese and I did.)

I am so angry that men have commented on the Everything Sucks review and an angry with one of the men’s not-apology for this where he continues to make his homophobic argument that it is age inappropriate for a 13 year old girl to play a gay character, equating any gay feelings to sexualisation of a child. I am so angry. I have expressed my anger on the thread but wanted to be angry in a space men were unlikely to see because I do not want to interact with them. It is so arrogant for straight men to come into a queer space and express their views and act in a way where they clearly think they have a right to be heard and responded to. At least 90% of the world is a space where straight men get to express their views. I am so angry with men in general and with straight people in general and I only feel safe to express that in this way that will remain anonymous because I worry about the unlikely but possible situation of a straight colleague finding my comments and me being accused of discriminating against straight people and/or men just because I hate their heteronormativity and misogyny and their oppressive behaviour
Laneia: Yes. Correct.

If I put my payment from a temp gig towards my credit card balance and pay a bit over the minimum, I can have it paid off in 2 years or less. I almost maxed it out during the year where my income was about 2/3 of the poverty line. Since then I felt like I would never get out from under it and would just keep bleeding off large chunks of my income to interest FOREVER. So this is exciting.
Heather: That’s such a great feeling! Good for you for being so proactive about your fiscal health! I’m really excited for you!

Guys. I have a date! I’m in a loving happy relationship with a polyamorous lady but I don’t know if I’m poly or not, but I met this guy online who’s so sweet and nice, and he asked about my gf and really pays attention to what I say and I feel like it could be something really nice! And his profile says he’s looking for hookups and short term dating and I have no idea what I’m looking for but I just said, “do you want to go on a date?” and he said yes and I’ve never been so direct but he said he liked it. And I guess some evening this week we will have a date and then who knows what will happen! I hope he thinks I’m pretty. Okay glad I could tell you thanks love you bye.
Yvonne: I hope the date went well for you!

Worth mentioning! Rachel Maddow wrote the NYT Crossword Puzzle on March 2nd. Or, okay, was their celebrity collaborator or whatever. But 12 Down, 6 letters. “You’re not in it if you’re out.” CLOSET.
Laneia: !!!

Autostraddle dot com, have I got something to tell you. I am a lady in a relationship with a wonderful poly lady, and for most of the two years of our relationship, it has been more “my girlfriend has another girlfriend” than “I’m poly”. I was doing this because I love my girlfriend and it’s who she is, but not because I thought it was who I am. But today I had my second date with a guy. He’s funny and Irish and a bit nerdy and cute. And I asked if he gets on well with his mum and his eyes lit up just a little when he said yes. And I realised while we were laughing together that we were the last people left in the restaurant. And then when we said bye, I asked if I could kiss him, and he said, “Yeah, that would be nice”. So then we did. And then I said, “You were right, that was nice.” And Autostraddle, it was nice. And my girlfriend is totally fine and happy that I had fun. And this is something you’re allowed to do and no monogamy police come over and tell you to stop kissing that cute Irish guy because you have a girlfriend. Turns out dating is quite nice and I had totally missed it by jumping into big relationships with people I was already in love with when we were friends, so I never tried to meet people like this before. It’s really liberating to be able to explore this side of being a sexual/romantic adult person without having to choose between that curiosity and my lovely relationship with my girlfriend. So I thought you’d want to know, and now you know. Okay love you bye.
Yvonne: This is so lovely! I want to watch this romantic comedy.

whyyyyyyy am I such a massive dork?!!! like, I have a girlfriend but I don’t even know HOW I have girlfriend (like technically I do- she asked me out like four months ago and we’ve been going on dates ever since blah blah blah) or how TO have a girlfriend or how to BE a good girlfriend OR WHAT I’M DOING AT ALL AND LIKE SHE’S REALLY GREAT AND DOES NOT SEEM TURNED OFF BY MY EXTREME AWKWARDNESS BUT I STILL FEEL LIKE I’M KINDA A DISAPPOINTMENT CAUSE I CAN’T EVEN HOLD HER HAND RIGHT LET ALONE KISS HER RIGHT AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Yvonne: Listen, I know it’s easier said than done but like chill! Your girlfriend is into you, you’re into your girlfriend, you’re doing great! Stop thinking you’re a disappointment because then it’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy and that’s not fun. Take a few breaths, hold your girlfriend’s hand and kiss her like you mean it, and no one can tell you you’re not doing it right!

Hey Straddlers. I’m getting lots of emails about my membership, idk if this is a bug or something? Ty
Cee: There is a bug currently if you upgrade or downgrade a membership, you’ll get a notice that your old membership expired. We are working on a fix.

HAVE YOU WRITTEN ABOUT THIS / I NEED INFORMATION

tl;dr: Can Mey tell us about good comic book podcasts? Ones featuring diverse viewpoints? Longer version: A friend of mine is starting to get more into comics. To help her, she’s been listening to podcasts. It’s been frustrating to her that she can only find ones by straight, white, cis, able-bodied males. (I guess it doesn’t have to be Mey, but she knows her comics and is wonderful.) Thank you for considering my request! <3
Mey: I’ve basically stopped listening to any comic book podcasts specifically for this reason. When it was still going I listened to Kate Leth’s Less Than Live with Kate Or Die religiously and I loved that show. I’d recommend getting into those old episodes. I’d also recommend We Should Be Friends podcast for more non-mainstream comics recommendations.

I just saw the latest series of some answers to some things you’ve been asking us and I really hope by the time you read this you’ve watched Diedra and Laney Rob a Train because it’s one of the best movies I’ve seen in forever!! It’s also directed by Sydney Freeland, the Indigenous trans filmmaker who directed Her Story! Have you interviewed her yet???
Heather: I have it on my list to watch just as soon as I have a spare second!

Just read the latest “some answers” post where Heather used a great quote as part of an answer – Carol Aird: Use what feels good, throw away the rest. It felt immediately inspiring and important to write that down. Especially when combined with Laneias great tip about planner lists. Would love to have a resource to just read stuff like this, one after the other. Does AS have any posts containing collective inspirational quotes by queers (fictional or otherwise)? Maybe we could have a round table or Friday thread to that effect? Thanks to you all for your continued hard work. Don’t know what I would do without AS. You are all amazing and are changing many lives for the better xx
Heather: This is an interesting idea! I will think on how this could be accomplished!

Riese: Hm I feel like this is a thing I could quickly assemble because I collect quotes.

Hi Autostraddle thank you for existing! I do have a hot tip for you, in fact. Southern/East Coast queers may be interested in the Twin Oaks Queer Gathering. It’s a fledgling event held at a rural intentional community, open to queers of all genders. Also can we talk some more about chronic illness? Maybe a regular column? Will you publish this comment even though it’s not written in textspeak?
Heather: Thank you for this tip! I’m sure some of our readers will be interest in it! We probably will not do a regular column about chronic illness — and, in fact, have been moving away from regular columns for a while now — but we can definitely put out some feelers to see if any of our staff writers would like to talk about it. Along those lines, Tiara recently published a roundtable from queer folks suffering from PMDD.

a follow-up round table on how you knew you had fallen out of love. cheers.
Rachel: We did one on when we knew we had to break up! Not exactly the same thing but related.

Just wondering – any plans to revisit or update the Queer Girl’s travel guide series? I just looked at a few different ones for places I’m visiting soon and was sad to see a lot of recommendations have since closed because they were all written in 2012. Thanks!
Riese: Yes there are plans to revisit and update the QGTG series! I believe Alaina is working on this but is taking a break from Autostraddle right now, when they return we’ll have these up and going again!

i NEED a style guide for mallory ortberg (always and forever) and karamo from queer eye. i need everything both of them wear.
Laneia: Are you familiar with the Jughead Lesbian Style Debacle of 2018.

“I think the far more interesting and complicated dynamic is how “social justice warriors” bully each other, rather than cis white straight guys” Can we get an article on that please?
Rachel: I think you might like this: Excommunicate Me From the Church of Social Justice, by Frances Lee

Would you do a roundtable about your favourite apps? I miss those recommendations from AS – YNAB changed my life (a bit, at least) and Headspace, too :)
Heather: That’s a good idea! I’ll add it to our roundtable ideas brainstorming document!

Favorite lesbian/queer film might be a fun topic for a future Monday Roundtable- don’t get me wrong, I love me some Carol but it’d be cool to see what some of the other staff favorites are insert plug for The Handmaiden here
Yvonne: Yeah, I think that could be cool!

Okay y’all, this real cute barista wants me to watch Person of Interest so we can talk about it, but I definitely only want to watch it for Root/Shaw bcs 1. I love Amy Acker, 2. I love Sarah Shahi, 3. I don’t have time for shows where I can’t ship beautiful women, you know? I loved the L Word post that walked through all the seasons and told you what the utmost important things to watch were, could you write something that that for POI? Help me figure out how much I can skip so that I can talk to the cute barista while maximizing my Root/Shaw time!!!
Heather: I got you. Here’s every Root x Shaw episode:

219 Trojan Horse, 221 Zero Day, 222  God Mode, 301 Liberty, 306 Mors Praematura, 310 The Devil’s Share, 311 Lethe, 312 Aletheia, 317 Root Path, 320 Death Benefit, 321 Beta, 323 Deus Ex Machina, 401 Panopticon, 405 Prophets, 407 Honor Among Thieves, 409 The Devil You Know, 410 The Cold War, 411 If-Then-Else, 412 Control Alt Delete, 413 M.I.A., 419 Search and Destroy, 421 Asylum, 504 6,741 (One of the greatest gay TV episodes EVER.), 507 QSO, 5-8 Reassortment.

I think we need an official AS review of this game, “A Cozy Den”:  
Heather: Okay! I will pass this along to our video game geniuses!

What happened to the Queer IRL series? Was it too much time/work to put them together?
Laneia: It sure was, friend. It sure was. But! Vanessa has promised to resurrect the series occasionally and when she does, we’ll blast the call on all the social media AND the newsletter so you’ll definitely know about it!

i have curly wavy hair and i desperately want an Alternative Lifestyle Haircut as my college graduation gift to myself but 1. I AM TERRIFIED THAT SHORT CURLY HAIR WILL LOOK BAD 2. there is so little pinterest inspo for curly queer cuts! do you have any suggestions of where to look! thank you i love you very much!
Laneia: There are some cute pictures in this album! I searched “andro haircuts curly” btw.

As I was working up the to find a suitable online resource for BDSM tips and tricks (ie how to properly choke someone during sex) I got nervous cus I don’t want trust the internet as far as I could throw it… Would you all consider doing a Lesbian Sex 101 on an Intro the BDSM. This novice would be very much appreciative! <3
Carolyn: There will not be a BDSM 101 because that’s a book, but there might be 101s on various BDSM-related topics. In the meantime, I recommend you check out the bondage month resources from a few years back for recommended reading.

I NEED ADVICE

Hello! I have a relationship question that’s been bouncing around my brain for a while, so I thought I’d ask for outside opinions. Basically, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my relationship of 2 years: we make each other laugh until we can’t breathe daily, she knows exactly how to comfort me when I’m sad or overwhelmed, the sex is fun and exciting, we support each other in all endeavors and love planning a future together. The problem: I’ve found that it’s getting harder and harder to be away from her, even if it’s for a few nights. We live together, have a lot of the same friends and interests, and although we both have hobbies the other isn’t involved in we do spend about 90% of our free time together. The other day she was away for the night and I noticed how sad I was, even though I know that’s ridiculous. This summer she’s going home for about a month (we live on a different continent than our families) and I’m worried about how I’m going to handle it. Any advice for warding off the specter of codependency?
Rachel: Well, a couple things — first I don’t think that missing your person or being sad when she’s away necessarily means you’re being codependent! Don’t tell straight people I said this but sometimes I think the fact that straight people have normalized not even liking your romantic partner has made the rest of us feel like we’re being dramatic or codependent in some situations where we just, like, actually like and love each other. ANYWAY. Codependency isn’t just being obsessed with someone; it’s when you focus on their wants and needs to the exclusion of your own, and prioritize your partner or your relationship with her over yourself. It’s possible to not be doing that and still be sad when you don’t see her even for one night. I think you can check in with yourself and what your wants/needs/priorities are and to what extent you’re meeting them for yourself (especially outside the context of your relationship), and it’s definitely possible that you could benefit from doing some work around that; most of us could! Outside of that though I think it’s ok to talk with your person about how you’re both going to miss each other for a month and ways to stay connected and spend time together during it — phone and facetime, watching movies/TV together at the same time or reading a book together and talking about it — the list goes on!

So this is a question for Heather: I’m living with my parents for a few months, and my cat and their cat do NOT get along. My cat, Pandora, is afraid of all other animals (though she generally likes humans) and will hiss and hide under the bed if the other cat comes near her. Their cat, Oddy, is much more curious, and wants to get to know Pandora. We’ve had to segregate them into different parts of the house. Luckily, the house is big enough this isn’t too much of a problem, but it’s annoying to have to be careful about closing doors and worrying if they get into the others’ space. My mom really wants to try to make them friends and end the segregated living situation – do you have any advice? Any recommendations for good sites to check out or methods to try? Thanks!
Heather: Gosh, I’m sorry this is happening. Cats are so persnickety and this is so stressful. One of our cats had to spend a few days at the hospital recently and when he came home his brother and sister — who have lived with him every second of their lives! — didn’t recognize him because he smelled different and they tried to murder him for about five entire days. Which brings me to my first tip: trick them into smelling like each other! Get them to each sleep on a t-shirt or towel and then rub that t-shirt or towel onto the other cat. You could also try feeding them treats on opposite sides of a door so that they know the other one is there but they start associating him/her with delicious food. Another thing to try is Feliway Multicat. It’s a cat-calming diffuser that helps mimics mom cat pheromones to keep cats calm around each other. I wish you very much luck!

real quick: can someone tell me what toner is and whether or not I am supposed to be using it
Rachel: GREAT QUESTION “toner” doesn’t even mean something specific as far as I can tell, it usually refers to a thin/watery product you put on after cleansing but before other products; but different toners differ a lot within that, they have all kinds of different ingredients and focus on all kinds of different things. No one “needs” one! If you’re happy with how your skin looks don’t worry about it.

So, what do you do if you feel pretty sure that your ex is the best person you will ever be with? It’s been almost a year since I was dumped and I’ve met/gone on dates with a handful of other people. I even dated someone for a couple of months (though my ex was still in the back of my mind.) Nobody even comes close, but I also feel that my standards have gotten a lot higher. I feel lucky that I had at least one amazing relationship in my life. Everyone told us that we were an inspirational couple and how lucky we were. People were shocked when we broke up, myself included. It’s hard to believe I will ever find that kind of love again…
Yvonne: Your ex will not be the best person you’ll ever be with. It seems like your heart still needs some healing to do and that’s ok! One year isn’t a long time in the grand scheme of things and as more time passes you’ll find other people more attractive and interesting and you’ll have tons of fun and will forget about your ex. Right now it seems like you’re just comparing everyone to your ex and you shouldn’t do that! You want someone who’s good for you and who wants to be with you — and guess what, that person is not your ex!

y’all, i bought a himalayan salt lamp and every time i turn it on i get a headache but whenever i try to google “can salt lamps cause headaches” all the results are about using salt lamps to CURE headaches. i imagine lots of AS staff and readers have salt lamps so has anyone else experienced this issue????
Yvonne: Oh no! I have two himalayan salt lamps in my home and this has not happened to me. Do you have it really close to you, like a bedside table, or something? Maybe the proximity has something to do with it? Hopefully someone in the comments can help you!

Laneia: I’d also try some different bulb wattages to see if that’s the issue. Or, and hear me out ok, you could try plugging other things into that outlet and turning them on and seeing if you still get a headache? Because sometimes the energy coming from one outlet is weird and louder (“louder”) than the other outlets in your home and could cause headaches etc depending on your sensitivity to electricity. I’m also someone who’s made large life decisions based on messages I’ve interpreted from trees, so.

Should I continue on my safe, practical path of going to school for something that will guarantee me a job(web development), or switch to following my passion even though employment prospects are shaky(illustration and sequential art)?
Heather: Could you start developing your illustration and sequential art career on the side while you have your other job? Maybe in your spare time? That way you can still have a steady income but also be making progress on your dreams, with the goal of maybe doing half-and-half and then ultimately whole time art?

Hi! I know you have a few articles on skincare, but I still feel lost. I’m a late-twenties soft butch and my face routine is similar to that of my male friends: mostly splashing my face with water before bed when I remember and using my body soap bar in the shower on my face about every other day. I’ve heard that most faces naturally moisturize well enough, that chemicals are bad, and that we should all put sunscreen on everyday. Do non-moisturizing daily sunscreens without chemicals exist? Should I wash my face more? My skin is clear other than a couple of pimples per year (right before my period), occasionally dry, and wrinkle-free. I wear minimal makeup maybe half a dozen times per year at most. I guess my biggest concerns are not giving myself sun damage and not setting myself up for intense wrinkles/bad skin down the road. Should I change up my routine? Thanks!
Rachel: My dove, I have to tell you that almost all of these things are incorrect. Bar soap is gonna be pretty harsh on your skin and your skin isn’t naturally set up to replace all the moisture it strips away; chemicals are great; you should be wearing sunscreen though, that part is true! I’d recommend using a gel or cream cleanser (one that’s like lotion and doesn’t suds up) instead of bar soap on your skin, and picking a basic moisturizer to use morning and night (I like this one). For sunscreen, I wouldn’t worry about whether it’s moisturizing or not really, and again, you don’t need or want something chemical-free — see the below answer for more on this! I like the brand Elta MD a lot, there are a lot of options within their range; the important thing I think is to pick something that doesn’t bother you in terms of texture or smell or white cast on your skin so that you’ll actually use it every day. This will help your concerns with sun/skin damage in the long term a lot!

I guess my skin is kind of dull and I have moderate eye bags most morning despite getting tons of sleep. Any chemical-free products to remedy those situations? Also, is it possible that your skin will become too dependent on products and then get worse when you don’t use them? That’s my biggest barrier to starting a new skincare routine… that, and money/time.
Rachel: Oh I love getting these questions so much! I do wanna be honest with you though and tell you that I am going to disregard your desire for “chemical-free” products. Even “natural” products are made out of what would be classified as chemicals; the salicylic acid that you can use as a skincare ingredient or is present in aspirin isn’t different than the salicylic acid that’s naturally present in apples or tomatoes even though it’s made in a lab and put in a bottle; “natural” things aren’t fundamentally better for your skin (you can super ruin your skin with lemon juice and baking soda) and “chemicals” aren’t worse. That said! If you’re still on board, I would recommend an exfoliant for dullness, probably an AHA-based one! People like the Pixi Glow Tonic, which you can get at Target; I’ve also used Paula’s Choice AHA Gel and The Ordinary’s 5% Lactic Acid and really loved them! Eye bags are harder because for most of us they’re just a naturally occurring part of our face. Honestly the classic Leaving Two Spoons in the Freezer and Pressing Them Over Your Eyes in the Morning might be your best bet; otherwise you can try a product with caffeine or maybe vitamin K? Your skin shouldn’t get dependent on products in the way you’re worried about; it may go back to the way it was before if you stop a routine altogether, but I doubt it would get worse!

Some days I can’t have an orgasm but just flood the place instead (think like, faucet or waterfall, but coming out of me). I’ve been able to do this for as long as I can remember and my girlfriend thinks it is super hot, so nobody is concerned or upset or anything but like WHY do I struggle to have an orgasm sometimes after doing this? It IS super satisfying and enjoyable but it’s not An Orgasm you know? What’s going on here?
Laneia: HELLO hi it’s me, Laneia, about to get really intimate and honest with you, an anonymous reader. The same exact precisely same thing happens to me and it really fucking bugs. Gushing is great, love it, but also to me it’s like a really satisfying knuckle pop, or like stretching when you’re on a body high, or like the same release as hysterical crying or throwing up. It’s not what I would classify as An Orgasm, either. And I’ve also been unable to have a clitoral orgasm afterwards — not every time, but with enough frequency that I sometimes dread gushing and try to hold it back until I can have the kind of orgasm I want. This doesn’t usually work, it’s worth noting. ANYWAY all of this is to say yes, I see you, but also I’m sorry I have no idea why this happens! My best guess is that gushing is enough of a release that it also sends the blood away from your erectile tissues and then it’s hard/impossible to get it to come back for a while?? This is just a guess! Are there any doctors on this flight?

help! help! My good friends wedding is coming up and I don’t have the slightest clue what to wear. (And I already read every autostraddle article about dressing for weddings…) I’m at a place in my life where I’m so over wearing clothing that I don’t feel good in, but still not sure what it is that I DO feel good in. All I know is that I don’t do dresses or cleavage or heels. But I also don’t really do the whole suit/tie thing either. I’m out to precisely 2 people that will be at this wedding. A bunch of coworkers will be there and I don’t want to draw unnecessary attention to myself at someones wedding by dressing more masculine of center than they are used to seeing me. But I’ve both torn my closet apart and spent some time trying to shop for something and I just don’t have the slightest idea what to wear. Any advice??

Yvonne: I know you said you read every AS article about dressing for weddings, but I really think you can find what you’re looking for in Alaina’s amazing “Wedding Looks for Andro-Femme Leaning Folks.” You can wear a trouser in a fun color or pants with a cool pattern and a nice blouse! You don’t have to wear heels to be feminine, you can wear an oxford or loafer like Alaina suggests in the article. I would like to add that accessories are your friend! Maybe you can dress up a blouse and pants situation you already own with tomboy femme jewelry.

My wife and I are having a baby boy in August, which is incredibly exciting! On top of figuring out what to name our new son, how to work out child care for two people who work midnights, and how to change our insurance, I was struck by a random concern… what does he call me? My wife is carrying and is naturally referred to as “Momma” when we’re talking to our tribe of four-legged children. Saying “Momma’s home!” just naturally rolls off the tongue. I present as masculine of center and am normally referred to as “Daddy” to the critters. “Mom” just doesn’t feel natural or right to me, but I’m concerned it’s going to be weird for our little guy when he has to explain his family unit as he gets older. Is it weird? Am I over thinking it? My wife seems to think so, and she insists he’ll figure out what to call me on his own. My counter argument is kids take their cues from their parents. Help!
Laneia: “Mom” or any iteration of it never felt right or natural to me either, so I taught/let my kids call me by my actual first name. I think you could absolutely go with “Daddy” or anything you want, really! You could let him come up with an easy nickname using your first name, maybe? Little kids are actually really good at easily explaining things about their lives, and other little kids are usually pretty chill about accepting it as The Way Things Are. My oldest came up with a completely bananas name for my mom, and he still uses it at 19, but when he’s talking about her to other people he’s always just said “my grandmother — your kid will probably do the same thing. I think you should try to have him call you whatever you’d like, and then be flexible and keep your heart open to whatever name he actually decides you’ll be to him.

my friend (bisexual but never kissed/fucked a woman, 30 years old) just recently broke up with her trash long-term boyfriend. he was terrible and sucked so much emotional work out of her and she bent over backwards to try and make him into a decent person and it didn’t work (of course!). one of her closest male friends has also recently been a dick to her by being like ‘i don’t want our friendship to feel like an obligation!!!’ when she asked him why he hadn’t messaged her in ages even tho shes going thru a break up rn and understandably needs her pals to check in on her. anyway last night we were talking and she was like ‘….even the good men suck’ and i’m like ‘YES GIVE UP ON THEM, focus on your friendships with women/nb ppl and get your self worth from literally anything that isn’t men. ‘ but she’s like ‘oh but i cant just let go of men, i don’t think i’m strong enough/ i don’t know how/ its too scary/ what if i don’t find a woman i like etc’. i know there are plenty of women who are bisexual by birth but lesbian by choice because they get fed up of dealing with men’s BS and i want to direct my friend towards some good essays/books etc that talk about the hard work of divesting from men and learning to either be a) truly happy being single or b) focusing your romantic energy on other women. Also maybe something about how to navigate dating women for the first time as someone who isn’t a teen/in their 20s? I can’t take seeing my friend in so much turmoil over men who will never, ever be self-aware enough and thoughtful enough to match the work that she does in relationships. i just want to see her thrive with a woman/nb person who can support her just as much as she supports them. is this too much to ask?! please help AS.
Rachel: Hm I see what you’re saying here, I’m not sure the resources you’re looking to provide are going to be the most helpful thing for her, at least not right at this exact moment — first of all, it sounds like her breakup was very recent, and people aren’t always able or interested in hearing that they should make major and difficult paradigm changes while they’re still grieving. Second of all, I’m not sure that focusing on making a case for why your friend should divest from men like you’re trying to convince her to buy organic shade-grown coffee instead of Folgers is the way to go here. I’m guessing from the way this question is phrased that you aren’t bisexual (apologies if you are!), but if that’s the case I think it might be important to remember that especially for bisexual women in particular, there’s a more complicated matrix of factors going into relationships with people of any gender than just a belief that “men are great” that your friend can just unlearn. There’s likely a whole cocktail of internalized stuff about her orientation, gender, cultural messaging, self-worth, desirability/authenticity and like a dozen other things that are impacting your friend, and her dynamics with men are only one way these manifest — what you’re proposing kind of addressing a symptom rather than a cause, you know?

You aren’t necessarily wrong that your friend would be happier or healthier not dating men; you also might be wrong! Regardless of what’s “right” for your friend, the hard truth is that it’s something she needs to decide for herself, and something that it would be great for her friends to support her in — I don’t mean that you need to be unconditionally enthusiastic about all her decisions, but navigating relationships to men as a class and individual men as people is difficult for all women in our culture and is difficult for many bi women in specific ways, and I suspect your friend could use patience and generosity around it. It’s hard to hear, I know, but when your friend says “I don’t know how” to disengage from romantic/sexual paradigms around men, she might be literally telling the truth; growing up in cisheteropatriarchy means a lot of — most! — women literally don’t know how to. Even if she wants to, she has to learn in her own time and because SHE wants to. And she might not want to! I know you want to see her thrive, but the difficult truth is that people we care about get to pursue love and relationships where and how they want, even if we don’t agree. I know what you mean about men (like TRUST ME, I know) but also, love and care and romantic/sexual relationships are really important to a lot of people and can be hard to come by; many of us, especially struggling with isolation, internalized self-loathing, and social marginalization, take these things where we can find them even when we know they aren’t “ideal” for us, and that’s a real thing; she has the agency to make that choice. Trying to convince your friend to cut off a potential avenue of love or relationships may not be the most helpful thing you can do for her. She may need to do a lot of work in general on healing in a broader and more comprehensive way, and I bet she could use support for that! I think the most helpful thing is to probably be there for her and to support her in asking and answering for herself what she needs, what she wants, and what she deserves, encouraging her to pursue a strong relationship with her self and explore some of her internal narratives about herself, without having an agenda about where she lands with that.

(If you didn’t wanna read all that, I do like this piece on decentering men a lot.)

Riese: As a “bisexual by birth, lesbian by choice,” person, I feel like I should chime in — although my input might also not be helpful. I tried — oh I tried! — for so long to convince a friend/roommate of mine who’d been dating two truly terrible men (one of whom was a cokehead who assaulted the other one in a liquor store when he was on the way to our house for a party, just to name one fun incident of our lives) and seemingly had only dated terrible men and only knew terrible men to give up on men altogether or at least de-center them. But she just couldn’t, she wasn’t ready, and said a lot of the things your friend has said to you. I even had the bonus of knowing she was capable of enjoying sex with women ’cause we used to have sex (I know it was complicated and stupid on so many levels!) All my work did was just push us further apart and make her less willing to open up to me, or even take my advice, as she always interpreted my advice as part of My Agenda.

It sounds like she doesn’t want to give up on men, and you can’t make her do something she doesn’t want to do. You can be a good friend, surround her with other kickass women as often as possible, watch cute queer movies and tv shows, read about people who started their gay life a little later in life, and maybe listen to a lot of lesbian folk-rock music?

My partner (whom I had hoped to one day marry, though we weren’t yet talking about it in a serious way) left me for a variety of different reasons, but I think you could sum it up as not wanting to put in the work and having unrealistically high expectations for me and our relationship. I though we were just going through a rocky period and then suddenly it was over. This, plus reading a lot about how lesbians have a very high divorce rate, makes me afraid of dating again. I want to start dating again within the next few months, but I’m so afraid that someone will leave me in the future just because our relationship isn’t perfect. I’ve finally moved on from my ex, but I can’t move on from the fact that it ended prematurely, and that was really hard. Even all of our friends were shocked that it ended and that’s something I’ve felt w/r/t the end of other lesbian relationships that I’ve witnessed. How do I get over this?
Riese: Falling in love, getting comfortable or merging your life with another human — it’s always a risk. You could get your heart broken, you could find yourself responsible for the shattered heart of somebody you truly love even if not in the forever-way you wish you did. You could lose everything!  Every now and then a breakup comes along when everybody on all sides feels “oh yes, that was coming, how great it is that the coming thing has arrived.” But usually it’s shock or confusion, nobody knowing things were bad or messed up, often one member of the relationship having no idea too, and feeling like a dumb flailing fish in the aftermath, trying to fix all the hope that’s leaked out of your heart and is building a moat around your future. Yet we go on! Yet we must go on, knowing that we cannot predict the future and that things will be up and down and up and down forever and ever. We learn a little bit along the way but damn at this point I’ve been in so many relationships that didn’t work I’d really expect myself to be better at identifying them earlier on but it turns out I can’t, I’m just an animal too. You could make safe choices and not date again or trust again. There’ve been so many times in my life when I could’ve done that. Yet I go on. I said every time that I would never date anyone again because I will never recover! And yet I do. You will too. You can’t get into relationships because you want a thing you can depend on forever because I tell you what if there’s anything you cannot depend on forever for sure it’s another human being’s heart. You can depend on a washing machine if you buy a lifetime warranty for it, and probably if you’ve got good family members, they’ll stick around until they die. Ultimately, though, there’s not much we can depend on. Sometimes it isn’t better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but sometimes it is. There’s so much we don’t know. The journey is all.

Okay is there a queer dating handbook I didn’t get? Is “just so there isn’t confusion, I’m not looking for a romantic relationship right now”, the first option under how to reject someone???? Why does this continue to be the almost word for word response I get from people? Could it really be a coincidence??
Heather: Oh, this isn’t specific to queer dating. This is a thing all people of all genders and all orientations say when they’re worried the person they’re flirting/sleeping with is getting more serious than they want to be. It’s a way to be like, you know, it’s not you and it’s not me, as people, it’s just the place I’m at in my life right now. I’m sorry that’s happening to you and hurting you. Not everybody feels that way about relationships. Lots of queer people are also looking for commitments! Don’t despair!

I’ve been talking to this girl a lot recently and she’s really smart and cute and we have a lot in common. I want to ask her out. She’s trans, and I guess I am just wondering if there is anything that the trans women on staff wish that people would or wouldn’t do when asking them out or going on a date? Am I overthinking this? We’ve been talking about Harry Potter for the past hour. I mean.
Mey: Hi! I think you’re overthinking it but only in the way that overthinking shows you care and is cute! Mostly just treat her well, all the regular rules of transphobia and bad asking-out-etiquette still apply. I think a ton of communication is great. Compliment her. Don’t tell her you’re pan so that means you like trans girls. Just be sweet! You sound sweet!

Out of all the women we passed walking home from the park, my dog chose to flirt with the one holding hands with her girlfriend. Any thoughts on how to teach him better wingdog skills?
Yvonne: Your dog already holds all the power. He just has to be his cute self and the girls will come to pet him and that’s your cue to introduce yourself.

Where can I find the wallet of my dreams? Amazon’s search is horrid, plus all the search term gaming that goes on. I’m wanting to find a bifold in patent leather (or otherwise shiny), preferably no clasp (definitely no zip), and with at least one outer side good for transit tickets/cards. You wouldn’t /think/ that’d be such a tall order..
Yvonne: Have you tried department store websites, like Macy’s or Dillard’s? Did I just sound like a mom? I’m sorry, I wish I knew some cool, trendy places but I feel like a patent bifold wallet is pretty universal in men’s departments in any clothing store. I want a whole article on this, btw. This will not help you because they don’t have what you want, but I wanted to share any ways — I got my wallet from this Dallas-based store.

So, I’ve been seeing this girl for a little over a month and while the dates have been fantastic in terms of chemistry and fun, we don’t seem to be moving forward at all and I’m not sure whether I should continue hanging out with her. After a few “fun” dates, I decided to try and up the romance factor and planned a surprise date including a show and a dinner at a revolving restaurant overlooking the city. I didn’t tell her what we were doing but gave her tips for planning purposes (outside/inside attire, etc.) In the course of the planning, I tried to flirt with her more. She made a comment about not being able to get her nails done in time and I said “trust me, I won’t even be looking at your nails.” Instead or flirting back, she asked me where this “spunk” came from. That kind of put me on the defensive and I ended up trying to explain to her that I like her and was trying to flirt with her. Her response was to say to stop taking it so seriously and let’s just go out and have a great time. So Friday night, we went out and again had a good time. Towards the end of the evening she became a bit more physically affectionate and put her hand on my back and gave me a super quick peck on the lips before getting into her Lyft. Later she asked me to go see Black Panther with her the next night so I took that as a good sign. Well we went and saw it and it was back to square one in terms of signs/clues/body language. No physical contact, hug only at the the end. I’m so frustrated and confused. This isn’t about wanting sex or taking things too slowly- I’m absolutely fine with waiting and taking it slowly, I just need that to be communicated to me. But I really feel like I’m just a companion to her and the way she was dismissive when I tried to talk to her about getting on the same page makes me feel like I’m wasting my time. I’m an analyst though, so I overthink everything by nature….need some outsider perspective, please!!
Laneia: I hear you saying you’re having fun on the dates, and I believe that, but it sounds like the rest of the time is frustrating and annoying, which is not fun at all. If it were me — a person who also overthinks things and has, as aforementioned, taken advice from trees — I would be right upfront about this because otherwise it would drive me crazy. If dropping hints and flirting and waiting for someone to make whatever ‘the first move’ is isn’t working, you’ll just have to talk about it for real. Like, I’M SORRY I SAID THAT WEIRD THING ABOUT NOT LOOKING AT YOUR NAILS — I UNDERSTAND THAT PEOPLE PAINT THEIR NAILS FOR THEIR OWN SELVES AND NOT FOR ANYONE ELSE AND I WAS TRYING TO A:

LLUDE TO THE VIEWS AT THAT COOL RESTAURANT.  ARE YOU INTO ME, CHRISTINE? I AM INTO YOU. THIS SEEMS LIKE A CHILL DAY TO GET ON THE SAME PAGE.

I’m new to online dating, well dating in general, and I’ve stumbled on an issue. I consider myself to be liberal politically, and super supportive of (and involved in) social justice work & advocacy. I have always pictured myself being with someone who feels the same way. I was recently in a situation where I was getting to know someone & things were going well until politics came up, and basically our views didn’t align. I’m worried this will continue to be an issue on dates & trying to meet new people. How important should politics be in choosing who to date? Am I being too picky??
Yvonne: You can be attracted to many different types of personalities but you should ask yourself, at the end of the day, when you’re trying to build a life with someone, how much do your values mean to you? In my personal view, politics are everything so I wouldn’t be able to be with someone or be friends with someone whose views didn’t align with mine. If we don’t have the same goals or interests in life, I wouldn’t want to waste my time when I can invest that time in a person who is working towards the same vision for this world as me.

My girlfriend and I met in an undergrad course of the same subject. I love her so much! Now we are both going through the application process for grad school, which means competing for the same spots all the time (not fun). She has always wanted to study in the US and although I wasn’t keen on the idea initially I came round to it and applied too. Because US grad school costs a shitton bombload of money we agreed we would only go if we get enough scholarships, and applied to cheaper schools at home as backup. Now I have been offered a partial scholarship to our no.1 choice, while she has been waitlisted, and we’ve both been rejected by another. There are still a few more replies to come through, but I sense her US dream has already been shattered a little bit, and preexisting insecurities about not deserving me/generally being less good than me are probably at an all time high. We agreed we should try and be in the same city, but we also want to respect each other’s talent and we don’t want there to be any “what if” regrets in the future, or any resentment about one of us limiting the other. At the same time I am pretty confident that I would become a sad incapable shell of a person if we were to separate, and given our small attempts at long distance previously that would not go well. I can’t imagine being happy without her, let alone succeeding or enjoying the first year of grad school. Pretty much any online advice I have read says you shouldn’t choose a school because of a significant other. If she decides on Europe would it be crazy to turn down a scholarship from my no. 1 school for her? I feel like the scariest things are the things most worth doing, and moving across the atlantic without my girlfriend and using every scrap of mine and my family’s money to attend a dream school in a dream city is definitely scary. But there is a great school here that has already given me an offer, at this point it seems like that shorter, cheaper course might be the best way for me to go to achieve my ultimate dreams of starting a practice and getting a dog and later maybe even a baby with my girlfriend. I know what my head is saying, my heart can’t decide. Please help!
Yvonne: I think you’ve already made a great case for you to stay in Europe with your girlfriend and go the cheaper route. I think it’s excellent advice to not choose a school because of a significant other but I think you’ve weighed your options carefully and aren’t just basing your decision on your girlfriend. You’ve considered the $$$ and moving far away from your support system which seem pretty big things for you. What makes your dream school, your dream school? Is it the program they offer, the location, the professors, the prestige? I think if you will get the same quality education at the cheaper option and will study the same thing in your research, then you’ve made a good choice to stay! Good luck!

WAIT hi can someone update the ass-eating piece with the thing i’m most worried about namely taste i didn’t want to comment and out myself as worried about this aaaah
Carolyn: Unless you’re fluid bonded with your partner (consensually practicing barrier-free sex after STI testing together), you should use dental dams! Dental dams taste like latex or nitrile. If you are fluid bonded with your partner and not using barriers, the tasting notes vary for everyone but generally a clean butthole tastes just a little bitter.

If I live with my partner and am reasonably happy, BUT whenever I picture myself living my ideal life and being ~truly happy~ I picture myself with someone else and living a life radically different from the future that me and my current partner are planning together, that mean we should probably break up, right?
Yvonne: Oof, friend, you’ve already broken up with your partner and are already living in a different plane in your heart so yeah, you should probably break up. I mean, to be fair, you haven’t been living in the present and are comparing and contrasting hypothetical futures with different people so of course you won’t be completely satisfied with your current partner. I think if you’ve found a great partner that makes you happy, you can always talk about what is making you unhappy to help shape your future into one that makes you truly happy. Why are your plans together radically different? Did y’all not communicate what you want? Has it changed drastically over time? Yeah, if you talked about those plans and it’s not what y’all agree on, then yes, it’s time to move on. But give your partner a chance to hear you out and see if they want to support you or want to grow into that plan together.

So I went on a date with a girl that was really enjoyable and we made plans for a second date (we even went back and forth to find the best time for both of us) and we both seemed excited about it! But when it came time to hear back from her to cement a plan…nothing. I would think I’m just getting ghosted which wouldn’t be the end of the world since we only went out the one time but it seemed like we were into it? It’s been a couple of weeks and I’m wondering if I should text her back and give her the chance to just be like “nah I wasn’t feeling it” or else find out if maybe she just got busy and then felt embarrassed for never getting back to me??
Yvonne: Oh I think there’s hope for you! I bet she’s just as nervous and anxious about this as you are about it! Everyone has shit to do and planning things is hard to do so it probably got lost in the shuffle and then she felt embarrassed about texting back. I think just follow up and be like hey, are we still on for coffee soon? I’d love to see you again. or whatever you kids text to cute girls. (I’m sorry I haven’t gone on a date like this, ever. But I do have experience texting friends back and forth and figuring out plans.)

When I came out 6 years ago in my late teens, my older sister (then in her early 20s) was pretty harsh about it. She made comments about how she was worried I would hit on her friends and made a lot of jokes at my expense. It wasn’t fun. Eventually (like a year ago) she mysteriously stopped being mean about it. She has recently come out as bi and introduced her girlfriend to the family. Apparently she also has amnesia, because she conveniently can’t remember being homophobic to me for YEARS. I tried talking about it with her and she acted like I was crazy and laughed it off. I realize that her behavior was probably rooted in her own issues but it was also really hurtful. Mutual acquaintances keep commenting on how it must be nice to have a queer sibling and I haven’t told them the truth, but I feel tempted. Am I being unreasonably bitter?
Yvonne: I don’t think you’re being unreasonably bitter, you just want your hurt feelings to be acknowledged and that’s totally ok. You’ve been understanding of your sister’s situation and coming out but I think you should try to have an honest conversation with your sister about how her homophobic comments hurt you and try to make her understand how that had an impact on you. I think you should talk about it this one last time and if she gets it great, if she doesn’t you should forgive her and move on. She probably said those things in order to cope with her own assorted feelings about queerness and took it out on you, unfortunately. People also change and hopefully she’ll hear you out and apologize for her past behavior!

MISC

Is it too soon to bring back 2010 fashion and hairstyles?
Heather: No, absolutely not. The thing I personally remember about 2010 was even more plaid.

I JUST RECEIVED MY NEW PASSPORT AND IT FINALLY HAS “F” UNDER SEX AND AAAAAAAAAHHHHH THIS IS WONDERFUL
Rachel: Ahhh congratulations! Couldn’t be happier for you!

Hola and shout out to this great site and contributions. Check out Las Estrallas a telenova that just aired its final episode in Argentina. There is a f/f storyline that is the best with no negative tropes and with one of the women dealing with Tourette Syndrome. Their names are Flor and Jasmin. They fall in love, get married and have a family. They get a lot of screentime and plenty of that is physical and their relationship is healthy and their loved ones supportive. It is very uplifting and they provide some fanservice. Someone is extracting all their storyline and subbed in English. It is posted on Dailymotion under FlozminSubs. http://www.dailymotion.com/Flozminsubs Here is a recent article http://culture.affinitymagazine.us/meet-flor-and-jazmin-why-american-television-should-take-notes/ Enjoy and thanks for all you do!
Heather: Thank you for this tip! We have tried unsuccessfully to get multiple people to cover this show! When I have a break in my schedule one day I’m going to watch it all.

Ellen is turning sixty today Happy birthday to the Queen!
Heather: YES. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELLEN!

I’m about to move into a flat in which the kitchen consists of two electric rings and a kettle – know any good stovetop recipes?
Reneice: Yes! There are tons of amazing dishes you can make on a stove top, stir fry, pasta dishes, soups, curries, burgers, the options are damn near endless! Fortuitously I got an email last week with this article of 20 stovetop dinner recipes that take 30min or less and everything looks delicious. I plan to try a bunch of them out myself. I can say that the best way to succeed at the stovetop life is to invest in a Dutch oven and/or a cast iron skillet. If you do, the world will be yours. They’re incredibly versatile, you can make almost anything in them, and they’re super durable because they’re meant to last a lifetime. I’ve had mine for ten years and counting! Lastly, if you have any appliances or are able to buy or borrow some, microwaves and crockpots (aka slow-cookers) are life savers for the days that you’re too tired/lazy/hot to stand over the stove. Good luck in your new kitchen! You got this.

i LOVE bralettes both for comfort and for gender feelings (i used them as a more femme version of wearing a sports bra all the time) but i now have an unconventional cup size/band size ratio and can’t find bralettes that fit me. i can only ever find bralettes that run s/m/l type sizes and i’m a small band but a medium or large cup so those don’t ever fit me anymore. does anyone know of bralettes that run on a different sizing system?
Yvonne: Good question! I don’t think I’ve seen different sizing systems for bralettes. All I can offer is this article by Mey on different styles of bralettes. I hope someone helps you out in the comments!

My partner and I are in love with the artist LP! Crystal wrote a piece on her in 2012, but her music is so much better now. All the interviews of her I’ve read or watched have been kind of cringey, but I know Autostraddle could do her justice! Is that something you guys could do?
Heather: I’ll look into her and see if anyone’s interested in covering her!

I’m really just thinking out loud – I’ve no idea if this would be at all feasible. But.. if anyone’s ever taken Amtrak’s magnificent Coast Starlight route from the Bay to LA, they’ll know what an astoundingly scenic route that is. I’m wondering if Amtrak offers any options for a completely private charter run.. Autostraddle on rails, anyone?
Riese: I rode the Coast Starlight from the Bay to LA and BARELY LIVED TO TELL THE TALE!

Hi! I just discovered O.school which is this super cool queer sex education streaming platform and would love to see them featured on Autostraddle
Heather: Oh, neat! Thank you for sharing this information!

Hot tip in case you missed the comment on the latest BOYT about Channel 4’s Derry Girls. In the last episode (which aired this week) one of the main characters came out as a lesbian. Derry Girls a fantastic show created by Lisa McGee about a group of teenagers growing up in Northern Ireland in the early 90s. The show was renewed for a second season, so it might be worth following up on it. I cannot stress enough how amazing Derry Girls it! Here’s a link to the first episode. The same user has uploaded all the episodes. And here’s a helpful glossary.
Heather: Thank you!

LESBIAN ALERT, finland edition 
Heather: Way 2 go, Finland!

I teach English as a foreign language and today in class while describing the behavior of a character I said (quoting the film!) he was “clenching his fists”. While showing my class what that means. And the really very queer looking girl in the class started laughing hysterically. And I couldn’t make eye contact with anyone in the room. So now I need to contract some kind of virus that will let me call in sick for the last 6 classes of the semester.
Laneia: YOU ARE DOING GREAT.

AUTOSTRADDLE TV SHOW.
Rachel: I’m imagining this like those livestreams of kittens in shelters or something, but it’s all the AS staff just sitting at our laptops in silence. Cute!!

Riese: Alex was friends with these girls in LA who had a production company who started just shooting us in case it could become a TV show but I’m not sure how camera-ready we (I) turned out to be. You can witness these small morsels here.

Have you seen the trailer for Janelle Monae’s new work? If not, you should. Now.
Heather: The real question is: Have you seen Carmen’s Janelle Monae masterwork?

I contributed an essay to a book by/about Black lesbian lives and I thought some AS readers might wanna read it! Here’s a link with a review and where to buy it! 
Laneia: This is very awesome!!

Got any suggestions for a L Word drinking game?
Heather: Yes. Watch season five only while enjoying two to three delicious beers. Boom, perfect Sunday afternoon.

Riese: I could write this for you, this is a thing I could do for the world. Do the people want this?

I am so here for the weekly newsletter! I just saw it in my inbox and opened it and the warmest feeling came over me. It’s like I always go over to your house for snacks and tea but now you’ve come to mine! <3 <3
Laneia: That’s exactly what I was hoping it would feel like! Oh wow I’m pretty happy now.

AS hive mind, I need your help! My aunt, who just turned 60, is also a queer person, and she agreed to let me interview her about her life and experiences as such. I might also be able to get her best friend on board to be interviewed, too. What are some good questions to ask? What might you want to learn from an older LGBT person?
Yvonne: That’s so exciting! I want to know everything! I would ask when she knew she was queer, did she ever talk about it with friends, if so, what were their reactions, did she ever seek out other queer women, if so, how, did she ever go to gay bars.

So, who of the staff maintain Mastodon accounts? And is there an official Autostraddle account there?
Yvonne: Probably Tiara is because she wrote about it for us!

You’ve probably already seen this, but this art student’s rebuttal to being asked to “dial down the feminism” is /perfect/.
Laneia: LOVE IT.

Wait, so what happened to the column we were supposed to be getting from our queer nutritionist gal? I’ve been looking waay forward to that ever since I read her introduction… Please let this happen!
Heather: We are working on bringing back Lark’s column, reworked just a little based on some feedback we’ve gotten about it!

Riese’s Carol pupdate please
Riese: Carol continues to be a strange, thirsty animal, full of lust for life and devotion to me. Her daddy got her a collar and a tag that says CAROL on it so if she ever gets lost, people will know she’s a true lady and a diva. She probably needs a bath and loves attention.

Hello! It seems like some of the regular posts are falling behind lately (sunday funday, boobs on tubes, saturday cartoon). I miss them, but mostly I just hope you all are doing ok and hanging in there! Also I especially miss Carrie but I understand she’s off saving the world or something, so maybe just let her know that she is loved and missed xoxo
Yvonne: Yeah sorry about that! We fell behind a little one weekend but we try our best to bounce back. I miss Carrie too, tbh! I wish she could save the world and also write more things for us.

Guys. I am so glad to see Rodeoh back in NSFW Sundays. I thought maybe you had cut ties with them because I haven’t seen them here for so long, but I have a Rodeoh and I love it so that idea made me sad. It’s honestly one of the best things I’ve ever bought, and I didn’t realise I needed it in my life but it makes me so happy. Also I’m really loving the sex articles at the moment, they’re so good. The threesome one and the friends with benefits one were so great. I’m really looking forward to more of those. Great work. Thank you.
Carolyn: Thank YOU!!!

Sydney Freeland (queer and trans Navajo director of Drunktown’s Finest and Her Story, etc) is directing (at least) one episode of Grey’s Anatomy! Via her instagram: 
Heather: Yes, I’m very excited! I think her episode airs on 4/19. No title yet!

Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual vs Kristen Stewart Who ya got?
Laneia: I’m Sweden.

I really enjoyed reading Let’s Talk About Love by Claire Kann. The main character is funny, relatable, and quirky. I also loved how she’s a Biromantic Asexual. What would y’all recommend I read next that’s similar to this novel?
Heather: You know who is REALLY good at recommending books? Casey! The best queer book I read recently was Inkmistress by Audrey Coulthurst.

Casey: I do have a suggestion! Try Thaw by Elyse Springer. It’s a lesbian romance featuring Abby, a librarian enjoying the quiet life until she meets and dances with supermodel Gabrielle at a high-profile charity event. Gabrielle has a reputation as an “Ice Queen” but she isn’t like that with Abby — although she does have secrets. For her part, Abby is worried that telling Gabrielle she’s ace is going to put an end to their blossoming romance. It’s a super cute romance with sweet, relatable characters like Let’s Talk About Love and also some funny bookish library jokes!

ok is fashion editor the “defense against the dark arts” position at Autostraddle?
Laneia: Correct. One time I called Nora “Professor Whelan” and nobody laughed or even got it and I was so disappointed in them!

They’ve FINALLY released the short in which Tatiana Maslany plays a queer woman! Yaaasss!!! 
Heather: Oh, hmm! I wonder if Valerie Anne knows about this. I sure will pass it along.

Is there ever going to be a Season 2 of Her Story? <3 I checked all the websites I could and there’s no mention of it, but maybe probably AS knows more?
Heather: No word yet, but we’re keeping our fingers crossed!

Straddlers, I’m looking into travelling overseas on my own for the first time! Where did you go on your first trip?
Heather: Oh, I went to England, Scotland and Wales and it just absolutely changed my life. I loved it. I quit my job a year later, backpacked around Europe like I was in a Mandy Moore movie, came home and became a writer. I would vacation in the UK every year if I could.

i still miss carmen rios
Laneia: Same.

Will there be more lip sync videos?
Heather: There’s often talk of them, I’ll tell you that right now.

Context: I just finished watching this weeks Lefends of Tomorrow. Why is the default response to ‘I don’t deserve you’ not ‘you seem to think I deserve good things and must respect me enough to believe that I have a basic understanding of myself and what I want out of life to think you don’t deserve me, so don’t I deserve to be with a person I want as long as she likes me back, and I want to be with you’?
Valerie Anne: It’s frustrating, right? Whenever that happens on TV, I always want the other person to say, “I don’t care who I do or don’t deserve, I WANT you. I choose YOU.” But it’s hard. Ava did, in the specific example of Legends, though, in her way. She said she read Sara’s file and she showed up anyway. The things that are twisting Sara up about herself don’t matter to Ava, but Sara can’t see that. The thing is, if someone feels less than, or undeserving of your love, you can try to talk them out of it all you want, but they truly believe they’re doing you a favor by saying “I don’t deserve you” and walking away. They truly believe you will be happier with someone else, they can’t FATHOM that the very act that they see as “setting you free” will make you unhappy. Using Sara as an example again, she thinks Ava only THINKS she wants to be with Sara despite it all. Sara believes she knows for a fact that there are specific things about her that Ava doesn’t see or understand, because if she did, she would never choose to be with her. The idea that Ava DOES see and understand all the things Sara is worried about, and loves her despite/because of it all, isn’t something Sara can wrap her beautiful blonde badass bisexual brain around. Even if Sara can’t believe or accept that she’s deserving of love, she needs to trust that Ava’s capable of weighing the supposed risks and choosing for herself. But it’s harder than it sounds, to let yourself be loved, yaknow?

i really want some men’s short-sleeved button-ups but not the stiff ones most people recommend, i want the thinner silky ones? but i’m not sure what those are called in order to find them. can someone tell me what’s the fashion lingo
Yvonne: I’m not entirely sure but maybe it’s called a dress shirt? Check out Cee’s article on button-up terminology!

I watched Rough Night last night Why did I do that It was such a bad movie that I watched the second half just out of compassion for the actors – if they had to continue to be in this movie, I felt like I should continue to watch it IT WAS SO VERY INCREDIBLY BAD
Heather: Have we talked about how the senior editors went to see Rough Night at Shakedown last summer? I gotta say, this movie was not good but the experience of seeing it with these women and eating nachos and Sarah just cackle-laughing the whole time is one of my fondest memories of 2017. If they hadn’t edited the men back into the movie it would have been so much better.

The actor who plays the teenage daughter in zombie comedy Santa Clarita Diet is afab nonbinary who has referred to themselves as so gay on twitter! Their name is Liv Hewson and I love them and want everyone to know about them
Laneia: Thank you for this hot tip!

Really Nice Things You Told Us

I just upgraded to A+ Silver because this website/community really means the world to me. Thank you! Hoping to be able to move up to Gold next year #goals
Yvonne: YESS! Thank you!!

Laneia: Thank you!

I just want to give a bonus shoutout to Vanessa because I really loved her essay about why she stopped her thru hike, and then I read the comments. It seemed like there were dozens of comments (probably not from AS readers) about how she was wrong and the hiking community isn’t that way, as though she just didn’t write something very vulnerable about a personal experience and put it up on the internet. Just wanted to give you an extra high five because I totally related to your essay and have personally experienced some of what you discussed and I just think you are lovely and thank you for writing that.
Vanessa: Wow, hi, hello, thank you so much for these incredibly kind words! It means a lot to me that you took the time to type all those out and send them over, especially because you’re right, I got a lot of negative comments about my essay! Not so many on AS, and our comment mods are really amazing and on it so I didn’t have to engage too much with the negativity here, but then I also got a lot of really intense cruel and dismissive comments on Facebook, and Twitter, and Instagram, and my personal blog! It was a time! Honestly I expected backlash from the hiking community but I didn’t expect the essay to get published in some real dark places on the interwebs and I didn’t expect it to hurt so much when random strangers called me fat (which I am) or stupid (which I am not) or a “mouthy bitch” (which, a few weeks later, I have come to embrace) as a way to avoid engaging with what I was VERY GENTLY pointing out! Anyway I do believe I may have actually sparked the tiniest bit of a beginning of change, which is all I wanted to do, and I have gotten a lot of really supportive and kind feedback, which my therapist has told me I should lean into, but all in all February was a wild ride on the internet and the point is, messages like this really bring me a lot of comfort and joy and I feel grateful for them. So thank you, for seeing me and for taking the time to verbalize it. Gonna lean into this comment real hard. Keep fightin’ the good fight out there. <3

If I had to choose a place to live, I would choose your first person essays column.
Rachel: Oh my gosh what a good thing to year, thank you, we’ll make sure the lights are on for you

This month the whole team seems to be really coming into its own on a whole nother level + maybe that has something to do with Carmen’s tireless roundtables and monumental reviews. Thank you Carmen & team!!!!
Riese: Can we just have a “damn Carmen is the best” section of the Insider forever. But thank you this is a blessing.

The Riese/Heather tv discussion articles this week were really great! I really loved the format!
Heather: You have made my day! Thank you for saying that! We actually just finished up another one for the second season of Take My Wife, which will be published before you even see this answer, and I hope you enjoy that one too. They’re very fun to do.

Riese: Thank you! Turnaround on TV posts is so much quicker when Heather and I have just been chatting about things instead of trying to write our own reviews and so I feel like it’s been a great format for things we want to talk about as soon as possible.

When I get sad I send AS money. Thanks for being there.
Rachel: Thank YOU, this is so kind

Riese: Thank you!! I used to go to restaurants and overtip waitresses when I felt sad. I feel like this is in the same spirit and I am pleased by you, a kindred spirit for life.

UM did you know the New Yorker piece on Janelle Monae quoted you????
Yvonne: They quoted Carmen, specifically and that was so fucking cool!!

Thank you for the work you do. I’m still blown away by this Monday Roundtable and I cannot express how much it means to me and why. So just thank you.
Laneia: Yayyy! I’m so glad!

Hot tip: adrienne maree brown has pulled together some of her many learnings into recommendations that manage to be both calming and challenging. I think you all may find them grounding & validating for your work. Sharing with love!
Laneia: Thank you I have bookmarked this!

Yvonne: I feel seen, thank you.

Hi! Just wanted to say the birthday AMA was lots of fun. Great job team!
Laneia: It was so fun! I couldn’t see straight when I finally got up from my desk at the end of the day but it was totally worth it.

I can get pretty worn out and cynical sometimes. But just about every day, I come to Autostraddle, and I read something that moves me, makes me smile, makes me laugh. You help me stay hopeful. Thank you.
Laneia: UGH I LOVE THIS.

Cee is AMAZING! I switched to a higher A+ subscription level with a different kind of payment method & it went so smoothly & effortlessy!!! THANK YOU Cee!!
Yvonne: Wooo! Go, Cee! 

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