Content notes: cunnilingus, threesomes, bathroom sex
“Oh fuck, ” Cash whispered as they pulled their drenched foot out of a restaurant’s toilet. If you would have told them a year ago they’d be straddling a toilet in the bathroom of a Cheesecake Factory across the street from the wedding of both of their exes, they probably would have told you, “Wow, that is the gayest shit I have ever heard.” Because it was the gayest shit they’d ever heard, and honestly, it was pretty par for the course in their clout-obsessed lesbian friend group.
They had run over to the Cheesecake Factory after receiving a text from their first ex-girlfriend and soon-to-be-bride that said, “Meet me in the Cheesecake Factory bathroom in 10 minutes.” So now here they were, their new Doc Martens (it’s a lesbian wedding — what did you expect) soaked through as punishment for being the worst friend in the universe. Maybe that’s why they were hiding in the bathroom stall perched on a toilet seat instead of casually waiting out in the open like a normal person who wasn’t drowning in guilt. Cash was happy to be friends with both of their exes — it helped them cope with the fact that Meredith and Colbie connected at a bar in downtown Portland after recognizing each other from Cash’s instagram. Cash wasn’t bothered by their relationship, and after all three of them met, they became inseparable.
Colbie had proposed three months earlier. Everyone knew it was coming. They were basically lesbian Bradgelina…maybe that was a bad example. Cash helped with the proposal, running around all day to organize the photographer and the flowers and getting CBD for their very large, mostly untrained Labradoodle that Colbie absolutely NEEDED to have sitting with the ring around her neck. Thankfully, the proposal went off without a hitch and would have been absolutely perfect, had the CBD not caused an explosion of doggy diarrhea. Cash wanted nothing other than for Meredith and Colbie to be together. Despite this, they found themself asking why and how they had managed to end up skulking around a bathroom possibly wanting to bone Meredith on her wedding day. Appealing to their better self, they began to wonder what other reasons there could be for the clandestine bathroom rendezvous. For one, they didn’t even know if Mer wanted to hook up. “Meet me in the Cheesecake Factory bathroom in 10 minutes” could mean basically anything. Maybe they were just having some second thoughts and needed to talk. Perhaps meeting up with their entire extended family had been too much pressure and they needed a breather. It was feasible they needed help shitting, even though both Colbie and Meredith were wearing $3,000 matching suits that definitely did not need any assistance while using the toilet.
Cash opened the door to the stall and looked around at the empty bathroom. They thought about their questionable actions over the last couple of months that had landed them in a Cheesecake Factory only two miles south of a roadside attraction of a 26-foot-tall Rabbit named Harvey. They thought about leaving, acting as if they never received the text at all, and going to the reception hall early to get “comfortably drunk” for the rest of the night.
The wedding was beautiful, breathtaking even. There wasn’t a dry eye in the whole chicken slaughterhouse/ converted brewery/ event space. Cash stood next to Meredith’s sister during the ceremony. Because this was a gay wedding, instead of having bridesmaides and groomsmen, the brides just had a jumbled mess of queer hotties, all in a mixture of suits, dresses and silky jumpsuits. Cash had developed a mini crush on Meredith’s sister, May. They met for the first time years ago at Meredith’s family christmas. They always did a very convincing job of lying to Mer that they didn’t have even the slightest hint of feelings for May. To be fair, Meredith’s family was basically just a long lineage of homecoming queens, pageant prodigies and data analysts, so they were all physically well-endowed. May had been giving them looks the whole ceremony, even at one point helping Cash button their shirt correctly. Meredith always hated when May would flirt with Cash, there had even been a family scattergories night that ended with Meredith telling May to get her “thirsty bisexual hands” off of their leg.
As the ceremony was coming to a close and Colbie was softly sobbing their way through their pre-written vows, May slipped a note into Cash’s pocket.
Scribbled on a slightly crumpled hotel notepad paper it said,
“Are you still single?”
Cash almost shit their very expensive, extremely uncomfortable pants. They knew May was definitely jealous of the attention Meredith was rightfully getting on her wedding day, but this was a whole new level of rivalry. Cash tried to pull their attention away from the crumpled message and direct it to their friends. They had made it to the portion of the ceremony where a full string quartet was playing their song, “Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover” by Sophie B. Hawkins. Just as they were getting to the sweeping chorus, Cash felt a sharp jab in their side. It was May.
“So?” May mouthed to them, clearly not caring if anyone saw.
Cash thought for a second, weighing out the obvious chaos of flirting with their ex-girlfriend’s/ now a friend’s sister at her own wedding where she was getting married to their other ex-girlfriend. The outlook did not look great; yet Cash had a certain appetite for destruction. Maybe it was from their unstable childhood. Maybe it was the unconscious jealousy of watching their exes get married. It could have even been their Aquarius moon.
Whatever it was, it definitely didn’t make what Cash did next any less outrageous.
“Meet me in the utility closet in 10 minutes,” Cash whispered discreetly to May.
The utility closet was much smaller than Cash thought it would be and smelled like a mixture of Clorox bleach and mothballs. Cash knew they didn’t have a lot of time. They had to be outside the venue in about fifteen minutes for wedding party pictures. May showed up exactly on time, with her dress straps already sinking off her shoulders.
Cash pulled her into the closet by her waist, forcefully unzipping her bridesmaids dress with their left hand. May exclaimed in a whisper scream after Cash let the dress drop to the floor.
“Is that okay?” Cash asked, stopping to make sure May was all right.
“Yes, it’s just… be careful — that’s deadstock Alexander Mcqueen.”
“Oh, sorry.” Cash pretended to understand.
May wasted no time getting to Cash’s pussy. She sunk to the floor and began sucking on Cash’s clit, gently blowing in their vagina. May was an expert. She had Cash moaning quietly almost instantly, pulling on her soft hair. Cash knew if she kept going they were not going to be able to muffle themselves. They gently lifted May up by the chin and pushed her up against the only empty wall in the closet, caressing her boobs as they grazed their hand over the outside of her underwear, occasionally pushing their thumb into her throbbing clit.
“Fuck.” May exhaled.
This was always Cash’s move. They moved their hand under her thong, slipping a finger into her tight pussy.
“Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.” May was now shaking. They kissed her firmly on the lips to try and dampen her exclamations.
Then, Cash’s phone started ringing. It was from Colbie. They answered the call.
“Hey man!”
“Cash, where are you? We are ready to take these damn pictures.”
“I’m coming — I just had to take a massive dump.”
“Okay sick. Also if you see May, bring her too.”
“Okay, sure.”
Cash hung up the phone, proud of their Oscar winning acting performance they just gave. When they looked up, May was already dressed and reapplying her lipstick.
She gave Cash a gentle kiss on the lips and said, “Damn, that was hot. I’ll see you around.”
She grabbed Cash’s crotch, smacked her lips and disappeared.
The rest of the night was a blur. The guilt mixed with three whiskey sours before 7 pm made Cash sick. This was compounded the closer and closer it got to the reception, where they promised Colbie and Meredith they would make a speech. Family members and mutual friends approached them all night wanting a little taste of what it would be like. Cash would be honest with them, bluntly saying, “I have absolutely no idea.” Everyone laughed, not considering this was the truth.
The reception was just as gorgeous as the ceremony. The whole venue was lit up like a disco ball, clearly showing the months of work Meredith put in to make it perfect, everything in its place. The first dance nearly brought Cash to tears, watching their friends dance sweetly to Dean Martin’s “Everybody Loves Somebody” while dodging weirdly loaded looks from May.
As the night went on, Cash became more and more terrified of their speech. They were always known for putting important things off, but their “Best Them” speech was definitely something they shouldn’t have left till the last minute, especially after fucking their best friend’s sister. They made their way back to the bar, ready to spark their creativity with another drink. That’s when Meredith texted them.
“Meet me in the Cheesecake Factory bathroom in 10 minutes.”
It had clearly been over 10 minutes at this point. Maybe the weight of the most insane gay day of their life had taken such a toll on them that time had slowed down. Cash didn’t want to look at their phone in fear that it would bring them back to reality or that May had sent them another sexually loaded text message.
Just as Cash was considering the nature of their existence and of time itself, the door opened.
“Cash?”
It was Meredith.
“Why are you hiding? Why are your pants all wet?”
Meredith looked amazing. Her hair was pulled back off of her face, exposing the faded freckles on her forehead. Cash loved kissing those tiny freckles, gently pecking every single one as if they were keeping count.
“Uh… I fell into the toilet. What’s up, Mer?”
She walked up to Cash, placing her hands on their shoulders, locking her gaze on Cash’s eyes. Cash’s heart was beating like a drum. Accelerating faster and faster with every second. Mer’s hands moved down to theirs, intertwining her perfectly manicured hands with Cash’s grimy bathroom fingers. Just as Cash’s fight or flight — or in this case, “flee or fuck” — was about to kick in, the door opened. It was Colbie.
Cash was frozen, their heart had now stopped beating and exited their body. They tried to say something, anything to explain what was going on.
“Colbie, I…I am not, I was not—”
Suddenly, Colbie came up behind Mer and kissed her neck and stood beside her. The three of them stood there like a gay tableau for what felt like hours (incidentallly this proved Cash’s theory of gay relativity that they were considering when they first entered the bathroom). Cash looked both of them in the eyes, mystified and terrified of what was to come. If you would have told Cash five minutes ago when they were fishing their drowning foot out of I-205 Cheesecake Factory toilet that they were possibly, maybe being on the verge of a threesome with both of their friends who were also their exes, they would say, “No, forget what I said earlier, that’s the gayest shit I have ever heard.” Because it was. Then, as if Mer could read Cash’s mind, she walked sweetly to the bathroom door and locked it.
Colbie stepped closer to Cash, put her hand firmly around their waist and pressed her lips gently on Cash’s. Cash had never forgotten how great of a kisser Colbie was. Her mouth was strong, but her movements were soft and her tongue had just enough contribution, slightly licking the bottom of Cash lips. Cash was more than happy to kiss back. Even though they were content with being friends, they definitely missed the mindblowing sex they’d always had.
Mer was now behind Colbie, carefully removing her suit coat and hanging it on the hook on the outside of the stall door. Cash wondered why Meredith was being so careful. Anytime they would hook-up in a bathroom (it didn’t happen much, but when they were in college, they had to get creative). Mer was consistently spontaneous, throwing clothes on the ground without a care in the world. Cash remembered that it’s still their wedding day and those suits were fucking Gucci. Cash began to laugh to themself, but they were interrupted by Mer’s hand unbuckling their belt. Colbie wasted no time sliding her hand down Cash’s pants, finding their clit immediately. Mer had taken over sucking on Cash’s ear, and Colbie’s full hand was in their underwear, moving in tiny circles over their throbbing clit. Cash’s heart had reentered their body and found its way to their pussy, throbbing with every movement of her strong hands. Then, Colbie slid two fingers inside of Cash’s vagina, lightly pulsing her fingers inside them. Cash moaned loudly and was met by Mer’s hand thrust inside their mouth. She was now biting their neck and breathing hot air down their shirt. Cash was overwhelmed with pleasure and was melting into Colbie’s skilled fingers. They held their friends so close, filled with so much love for their favorite people on this earth. It felt good to show their love this way, to be so close to their beautiful friends on the day of their wedding. Cash came with ease and stood there holding Colbie and Meredith, almost crying with satisfaction
They all hugged and put themselves back together, picking their expensive clothes up off the clean Cheesecake factory floor. As they walked back to the reception hall, Cash’s speech wrote itself. They took the makeshift stage, completely ready to show their love for their wonderful friends.
“Colbie, Meredith, a lot of people would be hesitant to want to watch their ex-girlfriends and might I say, hottest ex-girlfriends, get married — sorry, Joanie Allen from Girl Scout camp in 8th grade. But I feel like the luckiest person on the planet, to be able to see two of my favorite people in the universe profess their love for one another is an experience I will cherish forever. And also maybe now you can collectively get together all of the sweatshirts I have lent you in the past and get those back to me — just a thought.”
When the speech was over, Cash walked up to their friends and hugged them only the way you would hug your best friends after fucking them in a Cheesecake factory bathroom.
“I love you guys.” Cash whispered in their ears.
“We love you, too,” Colbie said. They held each other for an undetermined, but definitely too long period of time. “Oh, and I know you fucked my sister.”
art by Laura Lee Benjamin
I think this is my favourite Slick installment of all time. Applause!!!! Now if you could excuse me real quick I just need to somehow get two very hot exes, and then become friends with them, and
then have them get married to each other somehow.
This is the gayest shit ever. Love it!