Welcome to Pretty Little Liars, that other TV show about four girls making bad choices as they try to grow up and find their way.
We open on the starlit town of Rosewood where Aria is still sick/pregnant.
Maybe she didn’t get a flu shot. Did you get yours? No seriously, go get one. Fortunately she has Meredith by her side nursing her back to health with super special peach infused green black mango peppermint tea. Oddly the concept of tea seems to have eluded Emily.
The Liars debate about what to do with Ali’s notebook pages. Aria decides that she’ll hide the pages until her dad comes home from some conveniently timed conference. She’ll confront him then and take it from there. She hopes this is just some wacky misunderstanding (which, knowing Pretty Little Liars it probably is) but if he really did kill Ali she’ll have to go the police.
Elsewhere, a hooded figure listens to some “hardcore rock music” and disarms some sort of alarm system. No wait, it’s two figures. Looks like MonA and TobAy have a new death metal stalker A lair of doom together.
Either way the two are hatching a new plan. Whoever’s on top of Mona has sent word from the top that it’s time to show the Liars what’s what. Scare the shit out of them. Oh I can’t wait.
The next day, our favorite lesbian meets up with our least favorite man after Finn. TobAy lets Emily study at his place because she’s realized that all the hot lezzies at the library are just too distracting. Tobey tries to chitchat about A and MonA and that kind of close knit shit, basically trying to get Emily to open up to him. Just before he leaves, TobAy gives Emily his keys. As soon as he walks out the door, she calls Spencer and announces she has TobAy’s keys. Looks like The Liars have a plan. Could it be that they’re on step ahead and know all about TobAy being on the A Team? Almost definitely not, but it’s fun to fantasize.
Starsweep to Hanna’s where she’s making the worst choices ever about how to dress for a job interview. She really should have read my Style Thief: Bette Porter. Either way Hanna has a hotshot interview with a fashion designer and she has Caleb over for some fashion advice.
Hanna leaves the room to slip into something more comfortable, but overhears Caleb on the phone. Super sleuth computer cracker Caleb is sneaking around and agreeing to get in on something sneaky. For once ever, Hanna confronts him right away. So mature.
Hanna: Why are you talking about me on the phone?
Caleb: Whatever, I do what I want.
The two talk it out, but Caleb doesn’t back down because he’s a man and blah blah blah manhood.
Hanna resumes picking out her job interview look.
At Spencer’s TobAy is taking a shower. There’s a long elaborate reason why, but whatever. He wants Spencer to come over and make love for their anniversary that night (gross) but Spencer has to go to a super fancy award ceremony family dinner elsewhere. As soon as TobAy leaves it becomes obvious that there is no family dinner. Momma Spencer is on payroll and helping Spencer plan a big surprise anniversary dinner for TobAy over at his place. Oh, that’s why Emily wanted his keys. Lame.
At Aria’s, Meredith sneaks around the house like the worst person in the world. I guess she wants those diary pages back. My favorite part is how she’s searching around the living room like that’s where a a high school girl would hide something important. Yeah, that makes sense. Meredith has Aria drinking cup after cup of that good old special tea and snoozing away the afternoon. Oh. Shit. Meredith is drugging her. Duh.
At school, Emily brings Paige a super fancy meal of rosemary chicken and kale salad. God I love kale. I wish I had a girlfriend to cook me delicious kale. I wouldn’t even need the rosemary chicken as long as the kale was cooked really well.
Is it just me or is kale kind of in style? Wait. Or maybe kale is just really gay. Or both. Either way Emily has the lunch set up all fancy. Like with a table cloth and everything. Guys, a real live table cloth. This is so unfair. Why are these fictional characters living my fantasy meal moment.
Emily tells Paige she still has a lot of feelings about Paige’s feelings. Like all the feelings feelings. They discuss whether or not to get a cat but decide they should wait until they can decide between naming it BOTP or Ani DiFranco Jr. Paige informs Emily that she’s going to see someone that afternoon about all the anxiety she’s been having. Awesome, that’s one girl in therapy. How do we get the rest of the kids in town into some? Seriously there are not enough therapists in the state of Pennsylvania to deal with the number of traumatized kids in this town. At what point should the town start trying to train monkeys to listen?
Hanna shows up and needs some Em-Em time.
Hanna wants Emily to follow Caleb after school Veronica Mars style. Emily’s not so sure this is a good idea because, um, it’s a terrible idea. I guess Hanna doesn’t really understand about trust and stuff. C’mon Hanna, I just gave you all sort of maturity cred like five minutes ago!
Meredith runs by school and tells Ella that Aria is feeling much better. Liar! Ugh, every time I want to point out that someone’s lying I feel like an idiot. I should expect this. Three seasons later and it’s still in the title. Ella calls Aria to check in, but it turns out Meredith has her phone. What a fucking snake.
At TobAy’s apartment, Spencer cooks up her epic big meal for TobAy. She goes for lasagna which is a super good idea as far as I’m concerned. Seriously, pay attention here. Lasagna is a great dish for when you want to impress someone but also need to make sure it doesn’t blow up in your face. Spencer also scored some red wine! And a scrabble board. Unclear.
Over at Corrie’s Boutique of love and mystery, Hanna goes to interview for her new job. Before she can even get in the door she sees Ali’s reflection in the window. Or does she? Who knows.
Inside the design studio, Hanna gets caught amongst dozens of naked mannequins. Good old fashioned hoodied A is everywhere and pushes a whole row of mannequins into Hanna.
It’s shot really dramatically but actually, when you think about it, it might be the least scary thing ever. Like… an open show room with mannequins? Seriously? Are we running out of actually scary shooting locations? What’s next, A chases The Liars through a children’s birthday party?
Through the choir room?
Through the shooting location of The Real L Word?
Wait. That last one was actually scary.
Hanna is all shook up. Fortunately, she realizes, A dropped a key. Upon several re-watches it looks kind of intentional, but that could also just be poor acting.
Starsweep to the mean streets of downtown Rosewood where Emily tails Caleb after school. I must say she’s the hottest little spy I’ve ever seen.
He goes to a coffe shop but Emily can’t see who he’s meeting with. But we can! Turns out it’s Paige. I guess the person who Paige was talking to isn’t a therapist, it’s Caleb. Talking to your girlfriend’s friend’s girlfriend about your problems instead of a professional?
Oh wow, that’s healthy. Nothing like a raging moment of martyrdom to really seal the deal on a codependent relationship. Paige and Caleb hatch a plan to beat MonA. They decide they’re going to sniff out MonA’s cubby hole of hoarder shit. I hope that when they do find A’s Lair they actually go ahead and alert the Hoarders productions team. Rachel and I used to watch that show together and and shit gets so real.
At Hanna’s, the girls wonder what’s up with the A key and Hanna’s attack. They also muse over why Hanna has chosen this specific moment to show off her new Uncle Sam costume.
What if underneath Hanna’s face was another face only that face was another face that looked just like Hanna. Whoa. Deep.
Okay I think I need an emotional page break.