Welcome to Pretty Little Liars, that other TV show about four girls making bad choices as they try to grow up and find their way.

NOW WITH 25% LESS RACISM

We open on the starlit town of Rosewood where Aria is still sick/pregnant.

IT’S JUST BEEN SO HARD SINCE I FOUND OUT KATNISS HAS TO GO BACK INTO THE GAMES, YOU KNOW?

Maybe she didn’t get a flu shot. Did you get yours? No seriously, go get one. Fortunately she has Meredith by her side nursing her back to health with super special peach infused green black mango peppermint tea. Oddly the concept of tea seems to have eluded Emily.

WORST LESBIAN EVER

The Liars debate about what to do with Ali’s notebook pages. Aria decides that she’ll hide the pages until her dad comes home from some conveniently timed conference. She’ll confront him then and take it from there. She hopes this is just some wacky misunderstanding (which, knowing Pretty Little Liars it probably is) but if he really did kill Ali she’ll have to go the police.

WELL IF YOU DO GO THE POLICE AT LEATT TAKE KELLY KAPOWSKI TO KEEP YOU COMPANY!

Elsewhere, a hooded figure listens to some “hardcore rock music” and disarms some sort of alarm system. No wait, it’s two figures. Looks like MonA and TobAy have a new death metal stalker A lair of doom together.

FINALLY FIGURING OUT WHERE IN THE WORLD CARMEN SANDIEGO IS

Either way the two are hatching a new plan. Whoever’s on top of Mona has sent word from the top that it’s time to show the Liars what’s what. Scare the shit out of them. Oh I can’t wait.

RE: HILARY CLINTON

The next day, our favorite lesbian meets up with our least favorite man after Finn. TobAy lets Emily study at his place because she’s realized that all the hot lezzies at the library are just too distracting. Tobey tries to chitchat about A and MonA and that kind of close knit shit, basically trying to get Emily to open up to him. Just before he leaves, TobAy gives Emily his keys. As soon as he walks out the door, she calls Spencer and announces she has TobAy’s keys. Looks like The Liars have a plan. Could it be that they’re on step ahead and know all about TobAy being on the A Team? Almost definitely not, but it’s fun to fantasize.

SO IS IT OKAY IF I PADDLE PAIGE WITH THIS BOOK ON YOUR COUCH?

Starsweep to Hanna’s where she’s making the worst choices ever about how to dress for a job interview. She really should have read my Style Thief: Bette Porter. Either way Hanna has a hotshot interview with a fashion designer and she has Caleb over for some fashion advice.

WHICH ONE OF THESE SAYS LADY IN THE STREET, FREAK IN THE SHEETS

Hanna leaves the room to slip into something more comfortable, but overhears Caleb on the phone. Super sleuth computer cracker Caleb is sneaking around and agreeing to get in on something sneaky. For once ever, Hanna confronts him right away. So mature.

NO IT’S COOL WE CAN HAVE OUR SECERT CONVERSATION AT FULL VOLUME, MY GIRLFRIEND DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO EAVESDROPP

Hanna: Why are you talking about me on the phone?

Caleb: Whatever, I do what I want.

The two talk it out, but Caleb doesn’t back down because he’s a man and blah blah blah manhood.

LIKE SHOPLIFTING, HACKING INTO SCHOOL COMPUTERS, STEALING A TON OF MONEY, INTENTIONALLY RUINING YOUR DAD’S WEDDING, AND JUST GENERALLY LYING TO THE POLICE ALL THE TIME

Hanna resumes picking out her job interview look.

LIKE THE FEELDOE

At Spencer’s TobAy is taking a shower. There’s a long elaborate reason why, but whatever. He wants Spencer to come over and make love for their anniversary that night (gross) but Spencer has to go to a super fancy award ceremony family dinner elsewhere. As soon as TobAy leaves it becomes obvious that there is no family dinner. Momma Spencer is on payroll and helping Spencer plan a big surprise anniversary dinner for TobAy over at his place. Oh, that’s why Emily wanted his keys. Lame.

JUST REMEMBER, IF HE WANTS YOU TO DO SOMETHING NEW AND CRAZY JUST SPIN AROUND AND DO REVERSE COWGIRL

At Aria’s, Meredith sneaks around the house like the worst person in the world. I guess she wants those diary pages back. My favorite part is how she’s searching around the living room like that’s where a a high school girl would hide something important. Yeah, that makes sense. Meredith has Aria drinking cup after cup of that good old special tea and snoozing away the afternoon. Oh. Shit. Meredith is drugging her. Duh.

THE FENG SHUI OF THIS ROOM IS SO OFF.

At school, Emily brings Paige a super fancy meal of rosemary chicken and kale salad. God I love kale. I wish I had a girlfriend to cook me delicious kale. I wouldn’t even need the rosemary chicken as long as the kale was cooked really well.

I EVEN USE KALE TO MOISTURIZE MY FACE!

Is it just me or is kale kind of in style? Wait. Or maybe kale is just really gay. Or both. Either way Emily has the lunch set up all fancy. Like with a table cloth and everything. Guys, a real live table cloth. This is so unfair. Why are these fictional characters living my fantasy meal moment.

OH BABY. THAT IS A LOT OF KALE.

Emily tells Paige she still has a lot of feelings about Paige’s feelings. Like all the feelings feelings. They discuss whether or not to get a cat but decide they should wait until they can decide between naming it BOTP or Ani DiFranco Jr. Paige informs Emily that she’s going to see someone that afternoon about all the anxiety she’s been having. Awesome, that’s one girl in therapy. How do we get the rest of the kids in town into some? Seriously there are not enough therapists in the state of Pennsylvania to deal with the number of traumatized kids in this town. At what point should the town start trying to train monkeys to listen?

I SAW ON THIS SHOW CALLED “THE L WORD” THAT WE’RE SUPPOSED TO SPEND MORE TIME PROCESSING OUR FEELINGS

Hanna shows up and needs some Em-Em time.

GIRL ON GIRL ON GIRL TIME

Hanna wants Emily to follow Caleb after school Veronica Mars style. Emily’s not so sure this is a good idea because, um, it’s a terrible idea. I guess Hanna doesn’t really understand about trust and stuff. C’mon Hanna, I just gave you all sort of maturity cred like five minutes ago!

IT’S A TOUGH JOB BUT SOMEONE’S GOTTA DO IT

Meredith runs by school and tells Ella that Aria is feeling much better. Liar! Ugh, every time I want to point out that someone’s lying I feel like an idiot. I should expect this. Three seasons later and it’s still in the title. Ella calls Aria to check in, but it turns out Meredith has her phone. What a fucking snake.

MEMO TO SELF: PICK UP MORE EX-LAX ON THE WAY HOME

At TobAy’s apartment, Spencer cooks up her epic big meal for TobAy. She goes for lasagna which is a super good idea as far as I’m concerned. Seriously, pay attention here. Lasagna is a great dish for when you want to impress someone but also need to make sure it doesn’t blow up in your face. Spencer also scored some red wine! And a scrabble board. Unclear.

NEXT PLAY IS RVAG OFF OF “YOU”

Over at Corrie’s Boutique of love and mystery, Hanna goes to interview for her new job. Before she can even get in the door she sees Ali’s reflection in the window. Or does she? Who knows.

AND WHO AM I? THAT’S ONE SECRET I’LL NEVER TELL.

Inside the design studio, Hanna gets caught amongst dozens of naked mannequins. Good old fashioned hoodied A is everywhere and pushes a whole row of mannequins into Hanna.

OH THE HUMANITY!

It’s shot really dramatically but actually, when you think about it, it might be the least scary thing ever. Like… an open show room with mannequins? Seriously? Are we running out of actually scary shooting locations? What’s next, A chases The Liars through a children’s birthday party?

NEXT TIME YOU BETTER THEME IT UNICORNS -A

Through the choir room?

NEXT TIME IT’S MY SOLO BITCH -A

Through the shooting location of The Real L Word?

NEXT TIME ROMI WON’T BE AT THE DOOR -A

Wait. That last one was actually scary.

Hanna is all shook up. Fortunately, she realizes, A dropped a key. Upon several re-watches it looks kind of intentional, but that could also just be poor acting.

I’M ONLY INTERESTED IF THIS IS LITERALLY THE KEY TO PAIGE’S PANTIES

Starsweep to the mean streets of downtown Rosewood where Emily tails Caleb after school. I must say she’s the hottest little spy I’ve ever seen.

THIS SHOT BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE REALIZATION THAT ALL ANY OF US CARE ABOUT IS THEIR BEAUTIFUL SHINY HAIR

He goes to a coffe shop but Emily can’t see who he’s meeting with. But we can! Turns out it’s Paige. I guess the person who Paige was talking to isn’t a therapist, it’s Caleb. Talking to your girlfriend’s friend’s girlfriend about your problems instead of a professional?

BECAUSE, LIKE, WE ALWAYS ROLEPLAY THAT SHE’S SANTANA AND I’M BRITTANY BUT WHY CAN’T I BE SANTANA SOMETIMES TOO? IT’S NOT HEALTHY

Oh wow, that’s healthy. Nothing like a raging moment of martyrdom to really seal the deal on a codependent relationship. Paige and Caleb hatch a plan to beat MonA. They decide they’re going to sniff out MonA’s cubby hole of hoarder shit. I hope that when they do find A’s Lair they actually go ahead and alert the Hoarders productions team. Rachel and I used to watch that show together and and shit gets so real.

THIS IS THE MOST EMOTION HE COULD MUSTER UP ABOUT THIS PLAN.

At Hanna’s, the girls wonder what’s up with the A key and Hanna’s attack. They also muse over why Hanna has chosen this specific moment to show off her new Uncle Sam costume.

RE: IFC MAKING A REAL L WORD DOCUMENTARY

What if underneath Hanna’s face was another face only that face was another face that looked just like Hanna. Whoa. Deep.

FYI GIRLS DO TOO

Okay I think I need an emotional page break.
 Back over at Aria’s, Meredith is still snooping around. Oh wait, or is it Ali?

WHO’S AT THE DOOR?

Ali goes right into her doll and pulls out the notebook pages. Ali and Aria have a long conversation about A and Byron. Lots of vague things get said and no questions get answered. She does tell Aria that she “really needed the money” she was blackmailing her dad for. I assume to pay for those outrageously long hair extensions.

BECAUSE ONCE YOU START UP WITH EYELASH EXTENSIONS IT’S REALLY HARD TO STOP

Also Ali and Aria don’t kiss so it’s 100% less interesting than when ghost Ali came to Emily. She does allude to TobAy being A, or at least that Spencer should have figured out where in the world is Carmen San Diego. Honestly, I really almost don’t even care about Ali anymore. I just can’t get worked up about something that probably won’t be answered for a billion seasons. She’s starting to seem to meaningless in the midst of this hullabaloo.

DEBATEABLE

Ali tells Aria not to drink the tea and disappears out into the night. Aria wakes up in her bed and, as usual, we don’t know if if Ali was really there or just a hallucination brought on by drugs, anxiety and the actual very real trauma of losing one of your high school best friends.

NO, BUT SERIOUSLY, WHO THE FUCK IS AT THE DOOR

Before you can say “Meredith is drugging Aria” we cut to Meredith at drug store trying to pick up as much tetramethylhydrocortooxymetholbuteradone as her arms can carry.

REALLY? ENTIRELY OUT OF EXTRA STRENGTH EX-LAX? BECAUSE REGULAR STRENGTH JUST WON’T DO

Oh, did I mention Aria is locked in her room? Whose bedroom locks from the outside? That’s not a thing.

MAKING HER NEXT ACCESSORY

Back at Spencer’s, TobAy stops by with some flowers.

I BROUGHT YOU THIS LOVE FERN

What a great boyfriend. Oh wait, I just remembered he’s the fucking worst.

IN WHICH I ASK INTERN HANNAH TO MAKE TOBAY INTO THE BAD GUY FROM FERN GULLY

He also finds the key that A dropped. He dropped? Unclear at this point. Either way, Spencer lies and says it belongs to Melissa’s storage unit and that the “A” is just a coincidence. TobAy smiles and nods even though you know that stupid jerk knows it’s actually A’s key. He is a stupid jerkfaced jerk.

ARE LOVE FERN! YOU LET IT DIE? ARE YOU GOING TO LET OUR LOVE DIE TOO?!

Meredith gets back Aria’s and goes all Scream 3 on the situation.

WAKEY WAKEY EGGS AND BAKEY

What never ceases to amaze me about this show is that while we’re totally used to A/MonA/TobAy being vengeful and plotting, there are a whole host of other teenagers/adults who seem to have no grip on appropriate behavior. Like Maya’s ex-boyfriend who killed her. Or Spencer’s dad. Or, I guess, Meredith. Is there something in the Rosewood water?

HELLO? POLICE? THERE’S A KILLER IN THE HOUSE AND SHE HAS NO MOTIVE. I REPEAT, SHE HAS NO MOTIVE

Meredith chases Aria through the house. Turns out Meredith is fucking batshit crazy. She ends up knocking Aria out. Like with her fist. And a fucking shard of glass.

THIS IS FOR SAYING I HAVE NO MOTIVE!!

A storm hits and all the lighting gets a bit spookier. Realizing something is amiss, Hanna and Emily head over to Aria’s to figure out what’s what. All of the lights are off, of course.

IT’S COOL, IT’S JUST ANOTHER TOTALLY UNEXPLAINED POWER OUTAGE AND WE DON’T HAVE FLASHLIGHTS YET AGAIN

They head into Aria’s bedroom/death trap and Meredith walks up behind them cray cray style. Meredith leads the girls into the basement under the guise that Aria is down there with her thumbs up her butt. Of course Meredith locks the door behind them. How many locking doors could this house possibly have?

WELL AT LEAST THEY BROUGHT A FLASHLIGHT THIS TIME

Well, Meredith told the truth about one thing, Aria really is in the basement. Unfortunately she’s out cold and the girls can’t seem to wake her up. Why? Because Meredith hit her. With a fucking shard of glass.

THE DIRECTOR SAID: ACT KNOCKED OUT. OKAY THIS TIME TRY IT AGAIN BUT TRY TO LOOK CUTER WHILE BEING KNOCKED OUT

Somehow during the commercial break Aria comes to. Emily makes a plan to beat the living shit out of Meredith.

…TO THE LOCAL DYKE BAR WHERE WE’LL HOLD HER WHILE PAIGE BEATS HER UP

Byron shows up. It’s hard to tell if Byron and Meredith went a little Bonnie and Clyde on Ali or if Meredith has just gone off the deep end to lala land. Byron comes down to the basement but promises he won’t hurt them. He suddenly looks slightly less scary. More like a man who’s suddenly realized his own daughter is scared of him.

WE JUST HAD A REALLY BAD BREAK UP, YOU KNOW?

Byron flashes back to that night where he explains that he was fully prepared to come clean about the blackmail. Like to Ella, not to the police or anything. I mean let’s not get crazy or anything. Unfortunately after Ali went missing he no longer saw a reason to tell anyone about his affair. Plus it made him look awful suspicious that he saw Ali that night.

SORRY ALI, IT’S MY FLASHBACK SEQUENCE AND I GET TO BE THE GOOD GUY IF I WANT TO BE

Starsweep across town where A hooded figure sneaks into Spencer’s house. I mean, obviously’s it’s TobAy. Remember, the key is there and he thinks Spencer and her fam are at some made up dinner. He goes to the drawer but the key isn’t there. He rifles through the drawer but Spencer comes up behind him. Then she totally slaps him across the face. Deserves it.

I BELIEVE YOU DROPPED YOUR BALLS OVER HERE

Just so you know, this is what my show notes say from the begining:

I’m writing this during my first pass through the episode and I want the record to show that I think that what TobAy said he wasn’t ready for was a totally staged situation in which he is revealed to Spencer that he’s a bug asshat/A thus scaring the shit out of her.

I can’t prove anything, but I just want you guys to know.

TobAy asks Spencer how long she’s known. She holds up an Arkham Asylumtag and tells him to go fuck himself and die. Okay she doesn’t say that last part but she totally should have. TobAy runs out of the room just as Spencer’s mom gets home. Spencer runs to her mom sobbing the way a girl does when she’s just found out her boyfriend of a year was actually psychopath stalking and threatening her. It’s a pretty specific type of sobbing.

IN WHICH SPENCER’S MOM ASSUMES SPENCER JUST DIDN’T WANT TO PUT OUT OR SOMETHING

Starsweep by to the Montgomery’s where Byron and Aria have a heart to heart. He tells her he called the police but Meredith left town and asks how all this got started. Aria explains that she found the journal pages. I’m a little confused because I thought that Byron already knew that, but I guess maybe Meredith was the one who stole them in the first place and she thought in some bizarre crazed move that she was protecting him? Like “I’m the only one who really loves you” style. Girl is cray.

ARIA I’M NOT SURE I’M THE RIGHT PERSON TO BE PROOFREADING YOUR BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER SLASHFIC

Byron tells Aria that if it makes her feel better he’ll go talk to the police and tell them everything that happened. This probably would have been a good idea in the first place because he could have just had Meredith cover for him alibi-wise and then the police would know Ali was potentially in a lot of debt or something. Aria, now fully trusting the man she thought was going to kill her just 20 minutes ago, decides she believes her father and burns the journal pages.

MY ACTIONS HAVE NO CONSEQUENCES!!

Spencer goes to some apartment crying where she begs the person inside to tell her that there’s more to the story.

NOT A GREAT MOMENT FOR FEMINISM

Inside, Mona enjoys Spencer’s slaved over meal and a nice fullbodied glass of red wine. There’s no way that’s okay to drink with her psych meds.

PRETENDING IT’S TRUBLOOD

Tune in next week where Spencer will attempt to put the pieces of her life back together and, with any luck, Emily and Paige will enjoy even more kale together! Sorry guys, I suspect that’s the best we’re gonna get.

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