Have you noticed how every time anyone brings up something gross about lesbian sex, we always link to the fingernails post? That’s because the internet severely lacks the lesbian/bisexual/queer-girl-person sex equivalent of Cosmopolitan’s Sex Stories or Sassy’s Mortifying Moments.
You probably have an embarrassing sex story you want to share with the internet. For prizes! Your story can be short or long (50 to 4,500 words sounds about right) and can be cringe-worthy or hilarious.
The winner will receive the Pop Your Top kit from Good Vibrations (a version of this kit was previously reviewed by NSFW Sunday), which includes:
+ Hitachi Magic Wand
+ Fuchsia Pop Top Deluxe Silicone attachment
+ 2 oz. bottle of Please Liquid Lube
+ And internet fame!
Submit:
Your most embarrassing or most hilarious (or both!) sex story.
To:
Carolyn via ASS personal messaging
By:
This Friday, January 6. Entries will be shared on Autostraddle (anonymously!) next week and readers will be able to vote for the best/most horrifying.
And, because what is life without awkwardly transitioned examples, there are awkward sex stories from the team and some ciphered from your embarrassing injury-related stories on this post to start things off:
+ “I’m not too sure what it was since I couldn’t tell my mom because I couldn’t come up with a reason and I sure as hell was not going to say ‘hey mom, can you check my arm out?’ ‘What happened?’ ‘[Ex-gf] tied me up and fucked me on her parent’s couch.'”
+ “So one time my girlfriend scratched open my clit with her lip ring, and it bled and kept tearing open for weeks. Girls, I know we love lip rings, but make sure your girl’s doesn’t have a sharp exposed edge to tear your clit in half. because it will take about two months to fully heal.”
via dykecology.tumblr.com
+ “The first time I had pre-meditated casual sex, she wanted to use saran wrap as a safe sex barrier; I wanted to stay long enough for public transit to be open due to not wanting to take a taxi. The night itself was one of those ideas that seemed like a good idea when we were still in a bar, but things got progressively worse as we got progressively naked. The embarrassing part is that much later, a mutual friend connected the two of us from the description ‘that girl I had terrible sex with.'”
+ “After a drunken dinner with the girl I was dating and another lesbian friend, we went back to my apartment and everyone started hooking up. I mostly sat back and watched as my friend went down on the girl I was dating. Then my friend realized what time it was and she had to go, but in the chaos of trying to get clothes on and out of my teeny tiny bedroom, both of them literally tumbled out the door into the hallway, just as my super-uptight maybe-homophobic roommate we never talked to was making her way to the bathroom. She saw us — in various states of undress, clearly really drunk, and I guess decided to hold it. Then the girl I was dating yelled ‘I’ll fuck you with a fucking strap-on!’ down the hallway. The roommate moved out the next week.”
via suicidegirls.com
+ “Last month I finally hooked up with a really amazing (and shy) girl I’d been chasing for a long time. We had a deep talk on my couch that turned into that great moment of finally kissing -there’d been six months of buildup. Trying to be all smooth, I interrupted the moment to turn the futon-couch into a bed – risky move that slightly killed the buzz. But it was okay! And we kept hooking up. And then we rolled too far to one side and the couch-bed completely flipped over, depositing us onto my cold kitchen floor. It actually kind of hurt and we were both all worried that the other was embarrassed and started asking each other if we were okay, which is just always awkward. And then, incredibly, my roommate (who is a straight dude) came home from work (early). He just stood in the doorway for a moment. I was topless. For like 30 seconds we were all frozen with these weird smiles on our faces. Finally he was like, ‘you guys don’t need to be awkward about this.’ Came inside, sat down, and started rolling a joint. It wasn’t too mortifying in retrospect, actually pretty funny.”
+ “I was 18 and didn’t really know yet how ‘loud’ I was in bed. So I was having sex with my girlfriend and I think we thought her roommates weren’t home. So we have sex, etc., have an orgasm, it’s over, and then we start to hear a slow-clap from the room next to hers, slowly building into two people clapping and yelling ‘[me] got fucked!’ Her roommates were totally home and I was totally mortified.”
+ “So when you’re making Thai Green Curry for your girlfriend and you chop up all the spicy hot chillies and then you wash your hands a thousand times? A THOUSAND TIMES ISN’T ENOUGH. Because later on when you’re eating her out and then you suddenly decide to use a finger she’s gonna start screaming like her vag is on fire NOT IN A GOOD WAY. This will last for two days and no amount of pussy washing will make it go away any sooner. She said it was about the most painful thing she’s ever felt in her life.”
Torie Tastic
Some other things happened in the world of sex this week:
+ According to the Female Sexual Function Index, which uses a 36-point scale of sexual satisfaction that includes orgasms, arousal, and pain levels, women who drink two glasses of wine a day report having better sex than those who drink less:
“Women who drank zero glasses of wine scored an average of 24.4. One glass a day drinkers clocked in at 25.9. And the two glasses per day crew blew the competition away, amassing a score of 27.3 on average.
Researchers were mum on whether or not the drinkers were really enjoying sex more or if they were just already sort of tipsy, so more prone to broach bawdy topics with people in lab coats.”
+ Good Vibrations is throwing a huge year-end sale for so many of its most popular sex toys.
+ The Year in Sex 2011: Includes a large photograph of Kristen Stewart.
+ The 10 Best Exercises for Your Sex Life: Probably a lesbian version would be more wrist-focused.
+ “About 2 years ago, I was gifted a beautiful big, curved glass dildo. It was love at first sight and quickly became one of my favorite sex toys.” — Jiz Lee
via suicidegirls.com
+ NAKED GIRLS in the 2012 Pirelli Calendar!
“It’s out! The 2012 Pirelli Calendar (Shot by Photographer Mario Sorrenti) is in print. The tradition stays the same, the calendar is never on sale and unless you’re a celebrity (or a Pirelli Tyre Dealer) seeing these photos online is as good as it’s going to get unless someone leaks some high res images in the next few days!”
+ Future Sex! This is about like, science and stuff, which will change the future.
Disclaimer: All of the photographs on NSFW Sundays are taken from various tumblrs and do not belong to us. All are linked and credited to the best of our abilities in hopes of attracting more traffic to the tumblrs and photographers who have blessed us with this imagery. The inclusion of a photograph here should not be interpreted as an assertion of the model’s gender identity or sexual orientation. If there is a photo included here that belongs to you and you want it removed, please email bren [at] autostraddle dot com and it will be removed promptly, no questions asked.
PSA: Gloves aren’t only good for having safe sex. They’re also good for chopping chilies safely!
That tai green curry story is probably the one thing I’m terrified of. Burning sensations is no fun.
We need a contest for awkward ‘you do you’ stories. I have a lot of those, they’re awesome, and I swear, you’ll all laugh.
So after checking out the Pirelli calendar the only thing I could focus on is the stance of the models. They have that Silence of the Lambs- Buffalo Bill- penis tucking stance. Kinda creeped me out. They’re beautiful women but…..serial killer pose.
Happy New Year Straddlers!
I thought so too, either that or they are contorting their backs in a very unnatural way, looks painful.
The women looked a bit thin for my taste but I did notice they had nude pics of a young Milla Jovovich, whom I love.
I agree. Not only is it an unnatural pose, but I feel like the women must have been instructed to feel confident with their breasts, but not with their nether regions. It’s a shame that the vagina is so often something to hide.
In any case, beautiful women.
Too skinny for sure, I feel like there’s as much focus on rib cases as breasts… They almost look like animals, their muscles, their bones… Sorry but that kind of imagery does nothing for me sexually. I rather doubt the women themselves felt very sexual in those moments, more like meat on parade…
There was something decidedly unsexy about all of those pics. It made me sad.
I think perhaps way too much photography about “Lesbians” is the product of men (who are fundamentally clueless about us); of males who have no true appreciation of the female body and no connection with the female sex; of both men and women who have ideas of who and what Lesbians are that are based on other people’s conceptions; and of les-bi women who follow and buy into popular trends that are not only artificial, but the results of male fantasies. And as for the tats: they are so yesterday.
Darn it! If there were an “edit” feature I would have been able to correct what I omitted from my comment, but such as it is: “photography about ‘Lesbians'” was supposed to be “photography about and for ‘Lesbians'”, etc.
Wow, I am really excited to send a story in. Being a newbie at this gay sex thing, I’m sure I have plenty.
Also, is it really necessary to include finger-fucking in your lesbian sex repertoire? My girlfriend and I have never done it, I don’t particularly relish the thought of it (I’m not a big fan of penetration), and yet we’ve still managed to have awesome sex.
I think that question is best answered with a good old “You do you.” If neither you nor your girlfriend are interested in finger-fucking, don’t do it. There are no rules for what lesbians have to do in bed.
well, there is one rule for what lesbians (or anyone) have to do in bed, and that is: do what’s consensual and safe for everyone involved.
I’m so good at repressing feelings and corresponding embarassing moments that I actually can’t think of any story! :/
That chilli one happened to me. Twice.
Can anyone please tell me where I can find a bigger version of the photo thumbnail on this post?! =D Please?
I spent hours a few days ago looking for a photo like this… for… let’s say a “little project”…
THANKS! =)
http://mycdn.theexcitantgroup.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/girl-135×90.png?9d6e10
How many cookies can you offer?
ಠ_ಠ
http://www.flickr.com/photos/pedro-rivas/4761696576/sizes/l/in/photostream/
:D
THANKS! i kept trying to figure out what the text/logo said and I could only come up with Buckle… LOL!
And I’d give you all my cookies! Haha!
Not a problem; I have secret sources. Took me about 5 minutes to find ;)
/nomnom cookies.
Was anyone else immediately intrigued by the “The Year in Sex 2011” only because it mentioned there was a large picture of Kristen Stewart? For second, I thought the picture would be or a never-before-seen photo of her posing for an artful nude. A girl can dream!
Awkward sex stories require awkward sex to actually happen…
Exactly. I’m sure I could tell a hilarious awkward sex story…IF there was any sex going on.
Thank God it’s a new year.
I’ve done dick. And since I rejected male genitalia and left it behind in the dust when I embraced the Lesbian within me, I’ve never seen the point of playing with an imitation dick. So pardon me if I don’t march along to the tune of ‘Lesbian + sex = dildo in drawer’ that seems to have become the expectation after sex toy manufacturers found a way to capitalize on the stereotype of Lesbians with penis envy. My sex toys are my tongue and fingers, which I’m happy to say I’ve learned to use very well. I’ve never used dental dams or cellophane because I don’t fuck everyone that shows an interest in me, nor everything that moves. After all the Lesbian-only women I’ve been sexual with, I don’t have herpes and I certainly have not been exposed to HIV. I taught myself long ago how to apply brakes, to take a good look at what I may be getting myself into, and to never mix alcohol (and definitely no drugs) with strangers. And yet, I have some damn, good, juicy sex stories I could tell, but (as they say) “loose lips sink ships.”
I got drunk and had a one night stand with this hot girl. She said she’d call me the next day to meet up again. “boom”, I thought, “more sex”. When she didn’t call, I asked my mate (whose apartment block I’d met her at) why his friend hadn’t called me. He nervously laughed and told me to check the local paper ad call him back. Yup, the girl had been found guilty of homicide at her verdict/sentencing that morning. She’d neglected to tell me she was out on bail for stabbing her ex boyfriend. 7 year sentence. Oh well, at least I prepped her for jail bait.
How about this little story… my roommate walked into our room when I had my hand in my gf’s panties and she was still moaning?
the clit meets lip ring story: i just climbed under my desk, cried, and rocked slowly back and forth at the thought.
Hello,
My name is Torie I am the model under the shower and you please post my name at the very lest under the photo. It would be really nice if you could give me credit for my picture. Thank you So much
Torie Tastic
http://www.modelmayhem.com/1739699