Effing Dykes Presents: What Lies Beneath (Her Fingernails)

This is a Special Guest Post by Krista of Effing Dykes! Effing Dykes is a queer girl blog that’s hilarious and smart and a little raunchy and WE LOVE IT. Probably wouldn’t be a terrible idea to set aside some time and get sucked into an Effing Dykes wormhole, if you haven’t already. Just make sure you come back here to read this post, because it’s special, as aforementioned.

via ohcardigan

Hiya lezzers!

I’ve got marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…

WHO WANTS TO HEAR A SCARY STORY??

MWAH HA HAHAHAHA!

Get your buddy. Everybody got your buddy? Good. Hold on tight to your buddy’s hand.

‘Cause this is a true story.

Ahem.

Once upon a time, when I was so newly gay I didn’t even know I was newly gay…

An older lesbian at the now-defunct queer bar called Za’s in Green Bay, Wisconsin (I was totally just there to dance) gave me some advice:

1) Never open a joint checking account with your lover
2) Don’t fake orgasms
3) Make sure a woman’s fingernails are clean.

The wise lesbian was in her late 40’s, an age group so far away from my 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID self that I couldn’t even imagine what it must be like to be so ancient.

via petitlapin

How sad, I thought. Here she is at a bar and she’s old. I hope I don’t end up lonely like her.

Isn’t it fun to be the center of your own universe?

What a little shit I was.

via diaghram

For some reason, though, I walked away from Za’s that night repeating her three rules to myself.

When I woke up, I thought of them.

It was kind of like in The Silver Chair, when Polly and Eustace Scrubb are charged by Aslan to remember The Signs. Don’t act like you don’t re-read your Narnia boxed-set at least once a year.

Anyway! through the years, I always remembered the three life lessons the lesbian had taught me. Her advice made sense.

I never opened a joint checking account with anyone.

I never faked orgasms again after the first few times I did it, realizing I was, in fact, dooming myself to a perpetual cycle of shitty sex by rewarding poor performance with my cries of “ecstasy.”

And I always secretly checked a girl’s fingernails before I slept with her.

via diaphram

Short? Check.

No scratchy edges? Check.

Clean? It’s go time.

But why, sluts? What is the big deal about fingernails? What’s with all the short-nailed lesbian jokes? What?

I mean, alright, I get it. It’s harder to fuck with long nails. You could maybe puncture a lung or something.

But it’s not impossible. I’ve had long nails before for burlesque shows; screwin’ with ‘em ain’t all that hard — you just make sure to use the pads of your fingers.

So why was that lesbian so emphatic about clean fingernails?
You guys, she was SO. EMPHATIC.

I decided to do some debunking.

Surely nothing could really happen to you if you got fucked by someone with dirty nails.

via lesbiansftw

And then I remembered a story so horrible I’d almost forgotten it.

Homos.

via dirtyknife

Bad shit can happen.

This horror story comes to us courtesy of my good-looking friend “Cai,” who has seen more pussy in heat than a kitty clinic on Free Spay Day.

Ok.

Cai was in Miami when she met a very hot femme we’ll call Katie.

Katie smelled like sugar cookies baking, wore a leopard-print bikini, had gigantic gold hoops that shimmered in the light, and also possessed one of the finest asses Cai had ever seen.

She secretly texted me a picture of Katie at the pool so she could brag, and I texted back, “I would hit that till my hand fell off.”

via hellogirls

So, yes, Katie.

Cai took Katie home that night. There had been some serious drinking.

While undressing Katie in the half-light, Cai saw something she hadn’t really noticed before: Katie had cool nails.

In fact, Katie had a long, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai couldn’t stop the mental image of those nails clawing down her back while she fucked Katie, so animalistic sex commenced.

Cai even let Katie fuck her, even though she ordinarily never lets anybody do that. What the hell, she figured. Going home tomorrow. Never see this girl again. I can get topped for a night.

Let’s fast-forward a few weeks, shall we?

via gilliansees

Something was wrong with Cai’s “area.”

Seriously, seriously wrong. It itched. It burned.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish stuff was oozing from it. And when I say some I mean excessive. amounts. of. pus.

Cai refused to go to the lady-doctor.

Because being supportive is what friendship is all about, when she told me, I said, “So you finally got the clap. Whorebag.”

Cai laughed nervously. She went home, googled “the clap” and became convinced that she did, indeed have gonorrhea. She decided to go, for the first time ever (she was 28), to our queer-friendly neighborhood gyno clinic.

They didn’t know what was wrong with her.

They tested her for gonorrhea. They tested for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the works. Nothing.

Cai was in some pain. She needed answers. She had been putting the ‘pus’ in “pussy” for almost a month now.

So they gave her an ultrasound.

AND WOULD YOU GUESS WHAT THEY FOUND.

Vaginal tears. All over the inside of her vag.

Lots and lots of tears.

Cai had been ripped to shreds. Her insides were hanging in ribbons. Looked like crepe paper birthday decorations in there.

And everything – every last inch – was infected.

It would seem that when Katie used her fabulous long nails to give Cai a vigorous drunk-fuck, nobody knew that her nails were also a festering breeding ground for bacterial vaginosis.

Awesome.

Cai claims to have been a stone-cold top ever since.

My best friend wikipedia says you can get nasty infections from dirty nails. Apparently, there are sometimes staphylococcus germs hangin’ out, which can cause anything from skin boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And guess what else?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I’m gonna say.

these are pinworms

That wise lesbian was spot-on with her life lessons.

Never open a joint checking account with your lover.

Never fake orgasms.

And holy mother of god, check out a new trick’s fingernails before fucking.

by crystal gwyn

Or you are doomed to suffer the fate of Cai.

THE END

I have to wonder, though…

Have any of y’all ever gotten anything nasty from another girl’s fingers?

Or heard of someone who did?

Or is this mostly (‘cept for Cai) a lesbian urban myth?

My fingers are inching towards the travel-sized Purell bottle.

I need answers.

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Effing Dykes

Krista Burton writes the award-winning blog Effing Dykes and lives in Chicago. When she’s not writing, she travels for her job, tries not to stare openly at cute girls, and spends inordinate amounts of time in drugstore makeup aisles.

Krista has written 6 articles for us.

274 Comments

  2. MRSA. google MRSA sores. and the next time your girlfriend comes home from the hospital and you are like OH MY GOD I’VE MISSED YOU LET’S HAVE SEX consider that she and her hands are covered in MRSA and for the next month you will have sores LITERALLY THE SIZE OF WHOLE WALNUTS on your labia and inner thighs. these sores will burst open after a while and ooze for days. you will be quarantined.

    MRSA.

    • ohhhhh my god i have had mrsa. so has my girlfriend. acquired under similar circumstances, actually. it is the absolutely worst. i still have it and it’s been over a year, but no antibiotic can shake it. it’s moved from my legs to my chest and face. lovely.

    • dear pute, we are twins. i also have mrsa, have had it for a year. acquired under similar circumstances. my girlfriend also has a lip ring. however, has never torn open my clit. so. sorry about that, that sounds like it sucks. but yeahhhh mrsa. GROSS. can’t get rid of it, no antibiotics will work. it is now on my neck and back. delish.

    • Hi Pute. I learned about MRSA when I read your comment two years ago, and that really sucks, and the Google images—yeah, wow. I’m back here now because I’m with someone who has had a MRSA infection some time ago, and I’m searching “dating someone with MRSA” and not finding much. Can one get it by kissing? Can it go from the nose to the genitals during oral?

    • I’m sorry, but while MRSA is a serious infection and absolutely awful to have, you have a number of basic facts absolutely wrong.

      1. MRSA isn’t a discrete diagnosis. No one can visually identify “MRSA”. It stands for “Methicillin-Resistance Staph. Aureus”, which is merely a variant of Staph that happens to be resistant to a class of antibiotics. It’s nastier to treat, but the resistant strain isn’t any worse on the patient than a non-resistant strain.

      2. People are susceptible to MRSA in hospitals because hospitals are breeding grounds for resistant bacteria due to the use of antibiotics. Stuff like alcohol-based sanitiser wrecks MRSA just like anything else, and it;s important anyone discharged cleans themselves. But that doesn’t mean every hospital is teeming with Staph, or that a patient will necessarily carry the resistant strain if they know how to clean themselves.

      3. The carbuncles don’t “burst”. Sometimes if you press on them a lot or stab them (there are many YouTube videos on this), but not spontaneously.

      4. “Quarantine”. Are you sure you didn’t read sci-fi, because Staph and its variant don’t cause people to be quarantined. That’s not a thing that happens. It’s not like polio or ebola that can be eradicated, Staph is a natural part of human skin flora, like how E. coli is part of the natural human gut flora. Yeah, they’re awful when they get a hold in part of the organ they’re in, but there is ALWAYS gonna be some present in a healthy person. You get methicillin- or vancomycin- resistant strain? You stuck with that for life pretty much. And it’s not that bad if you’re careful. You’ll re-catch it anyway; I caught it when I was young in my school gym, dealt with it for a year, absolutely no one even breathed “quarantine” to me.

      So yeah. Just clean y’all’s nail with alcohol sanitiser (and then some moisturiser because alcohol is brutal on nails), RINSE WELL, make sure everything’s filed smooth, have fun. Don’t be a worrywart, just make sure sharp things don’t go in vaginas and y’all have basic hygiene mastered.

  4. shit.

    I’m checking her fucking nails the SECOND she gets into town today. I don’t care if we don’t end up messing around (well I do, but ya know…) they’d better be clean!

  5. Ok, I spent the entire time I was reading that cringing and going ewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewew!
    OW!

  6. Holy shiz! I’m gonna have to look at cute kitty pictures for the rest of the day to forget about this stuff… thanks a bunch!

    • SAME

      I want to cry a single emo antibacterial tear.

      As a side note, the girl in the tenth picture is effin hot.

  9. i loveee articles like this… with all the important information and entertaining visuals and whatnot. :]

  10. OMG! I have never experienced anything of the sort nor do I know anyone who has (or who admits to it). Yay for being crazy obsessive compulsive and washing my hands like a hundred times a day! Yay for my gf being the same way. I usually make my gf wash her hands before she touches me, I’m weird about it. Especially if she touches my face. I always feel like I’m a bitch because of it. Yay for raging vaginal infections that make me feel normal for being a slight germaphobe.

  11. OH MY GOD KRISTA.

    Terrifying.

    Long acrylic nails are scary enough. But with rhinestones all over them? Seriously?

  13. I was totally laughing at the beginning there…not at all at the end. That was GRUESOME! Yet so real! Spot on advice there. And no, I’ve never gotten anything nasty from finger fucking…but I have been injured. Some women have no idea what they’re doing in there. Pay attention ladies!

  14. admittedly, i’m a little more at-risk because i have sex with all sorts of genders/sexs.

    i got bacterial vaginosis when i was raped at 17.
    mrsa when i was a freshman in college (and celebate.)
    and hpv during my sluttiest gay-lady phase.

    we were just having a discussion (my lady-gays and i) at our queer-friends-giving… they all believed that none of them were at risk of getting hpv (all being of the female sex and having sex with other female bodied people.) when i admitted that i, in fact, had hpv- and had gotten it when i was having sex with them or having sex with someone who was having sex with them, the room fell silent. these are intelligent, sex positive and protection-heavy queers- and they still refused to believe that i was right or correct. refused to believe that my story was even possible.

    at one point during my slutty-phase, i got cut the fuck up. in a dirty/trendy bar bathroom. it was unpleasant at best. i didn’t get any major infections (other than the hpv…) and it prevented me from getting my goods for a good month. terribly depressing.
    i found, however, that nails are fine- as long as you use a nice barrier method like gloves. particularly dark colored gloves that you can SEE if they break. if they break the gloves, they can scratch the vag. if they don’t break the gloves, you’re generally in good shape.
    moral of that long winded story:
    BARRIER METHODS
    ALWAYS AND FOREVER
    MAKE THEM SEXY
    and you’ll be safe– even if you don’t think you’re at risk

    (sidenote- get that hpv vaccine too. even if you don’t think [or your doctor doesn’t think] you have a chance of getting it ever… lots of sexually active women have hpv. it causes cancer. and the vaccine can even cure some forms of hpv when you have them- it cured mine!)

    • seriously, thanks for sharing your story.

      my friends tell me barrier methods aren’t really a thing.

      now I’m gonna tell them SEE SEE THEY ARE A GOOD IDEA.

    • Thank god I got that vaccine.
      Interesting, always considered gloves to be a bit… OCD. But after reading this I have been scared shitless.

  15. I used to work in a casino handling money and we would wear these finger cots or finger gloves..I would jokingly call them “finger condoms”…Not joking anymore..Think I’m gonna order me a case of those now..

  16. Emily, thanks for saying that, because my initial response to this article was GLOVES HI HELLO SO EASY NO WORRIES!

    And also thank you for sharing your personal experience – that’s brave and you rock!

  18. EW.
    also, sometimes, i can’t believe my friends either when they think they are safe because they’re women loving women. HELLO. and lesbians of color (like yours truly) are the fastest growing group of HIV contractors. BARRIERS.
    and yeah, i’m glad i’m not that into femmes…(rhinestones???)

    • LET ME TELL YOU THIS IT’S NOT JUST FEMMES

      a really awesome cute butch girl had long fingernails. she must have sharpened them or something, cause, um, ouch

    • ok, help me out. Are lesbians of color really the fastest growing group of HIV contractors? How is it being passed? I’ll risk sounding really dumb and ignorant, coz I really don’t know.

      Now BV generally isn’t the end of the world (except in this case, where she has basically STRUCTURAL DAMAGE). It’s kind of in the same category as yeasties, as in “can be transmitted sexually”, but isn’t in and of itself an STI, as it can occur completely naturally. If your pH levels change due to hormones, antibiotics, stress, you can grow BV or yeast, and it’s usually pretty treatable. Of course, anything wrong with our coochies is scary and uncomfortable. But a shredded vagina is indeed, terrifying.

      Also HPV is really common. I think 80% of women have it at some point in their lives, and most people clear it on their own. By all means, get the vaccine. But if you have HPV, try not to be too scared. Yes, it causes cervical cancer. Have a pap done every couple years at least, and if you have HPV, more often. The cancer it causes is SOOOOOO treatable, since it normally takes 20 years to develop from HPV to terminal cervical cancer. Don’t be scared of your body, don’t be scared of the doctor, just be as careful as you can, and take precautions.

  20. LOL it sounded like they were going to find one of the girl’s crazy nails in her vag!! god that would be embarrassing. anyways this story was sick. GLOVES FOR LIFE.

  23. Hahaha, oh the many joys of sleeping with Miami women. I definitely encountered some crazy nails while living there (and on lesbians, what the hell). Are you going to pleasure your lady-friend or serrate her?

  24. I’m fucking terrified right now. I dont like the idea of my vagina being ripped to shreds AND getting a raging infection due to it.

    Someone hold me :(

    • I’m pretty sure we all need a hug right now. I don’t think I’ll see fingers as the wonderful part of the human body that they once were for a long time.

  26. This is why I read autostraddle and effing dykes. It’s knowledge I can actually use in the future.
    I think I’m going to be a top when I grow up thanks to this. at least for a long, long time.

  27. The only gluten free graham crackers I’ve found were kinda icky :( but I’ll take a marshmallow.

    On a more serious note, my most recent ex:

    a. scratched my clit (mildly)
    b. made my cervix bleed (I forced her to cut her nails after that)
    c. gave me a uti (ok, that just happens sometimes, but still)

    I think this was all in the same week, or maybe the same fortnight. Ouch.

    • clit scratching/pain is the WORST because you can feel everything and sometimes when all the blood rushes there from pain, you get turned on. and it’s confusing adn weird.

      so one time my girlfriend scratched open my clit with her lip ring, and it bled and kept tearing open for weeks. girls, i know we love lip rings, but make sure your girl’s doesn’t have a sharp exposed edge to tear your clit in half. because it will take about two months to fully heal.

      • Confusing and weird… maybe kind of like getting poison oak down there? That’s the closest thing I have to being able to relate to these stories.

        • Oh god, that comment just reminded me of the time I had muscle aches from the gym and put some dencorub/deepheat stuff on my back before going to the toilet.
          Oh God the pain!
          *curls up in a corner, rocking back and forth, from the pain of the memory*

          And this ladies, is why going to the gym is bad.

          • Come to think of it, I also got bitten on the labia by a mosquito when I was camping once, so make another note: even if you live in a country without poison oak, camping= also bad

          • Oh Christ. I’ve gotten Icy Hot in my ladybits. That’s a mistake you only make once. And I have to agree with the awkward clit scratching thing. I thought at first it was a very good feeling til I realized it was a VERY BAD ONE.

          • Dear lord, from everything I’ve been reading, it sounds like our lovely autostraddlin’ ladies have serious issues avoiding vaginal disaster. Icyhot, nails, lip rings…okay. That’s it. I’m getting a chastity belt. An Everlast.

          • Similar to this (thankfully I’ve never done it! but been warned against it by many) is getting Old Bay seasoning on your ladybits. If you’re not from the Chesapeake Bay area then maybe you don’t know, but we have a lot of blue crabs here and we like to smother them in this spicy salty seasoning and steam them and pick them apart with our hands and eat them. So you’ve been picking at them and you wipe all the crap off your hands and you think you’re good to go BUT YOU FORGET TO WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE YOU PEE and then you wipe and BAD THINGS HAPPEN WHEN YOU APPLY PEPPER TO YOUR VULVA.

            so don’t do that.

    • Up until your comment, I was reading this while cringing, with my legs tightly shut together. AFTER reading your comment, I am now like, really nauseous. Seriously, I hope someone was there to hug your vag better.

  29. As terrifying as this story is, i’m more apt to blame alcohol than the nails (although they certainly were a weapon of mass destruction)!
    Sometimes when you’re intoxicated and getting busy, you don’t respond to pain stimuli like you would sober.
    And although I have never had any scary infections, I have suffered from “knuckle” bruises down there after a night of heavy drinking…

    • I have to agree with the lack of sobriety leading to lack of pain awareness.
      Thanking my lucky stars I never ended up with an infection. There may have been a non sober night that ended with a serisouly stained bed and me in a shower. Don’t know how exactly it happened but lets just say it looked like that time of the month, when it certainly wasn’t.

      Safer sex for all!! Also an excuse to get a manicure?

  30. Dude sometimes havin a vag sucks. Stuff like this, I mean BV between lesbos, not ripping your shit to shreads, is fairly common. As a soon to be MD and sufferer if BV, it happens. BV is more common among lesbians. It is an issue of “foreign bacteria” or stuff your body is not used to. Your gf may b colonized with one kind and you another. The two times I got it was with new partners and same for my gf. The tears and micro tears certainly help increase infection rates. Use lube to avoid micro tears and for god sake don’t bang away at the cervix. It bleeds man and then creates and excellent opportunity for upper tract infections. The other shitty thing I’ve found is that doctors don’t get that this is sort of normal and doesn’t mean you got and STD and that you must be lying because lesbians can’t get anything icky from sexytimes. Ok that’s all. Nice post!

    • We need to be friends. So few queer lady mini-doctors out there. And I totally agree with your comment above; I have had to explain this to many a lesbo. Most docs out there are also very ill-informed about lesbian sex. :(

  31. GUYS!

    “Checking her fingernails” might save you from a shredding but isn’t enough when it comes to bacteria. You can’t see the little fuckers! Hand her the scrubbing brush and the soap, make your sexy way to the bed and leave her alone in the bathroom for a minute. It is so not worth the risk – there’s NOTHING worse than wrongness in your vag.

  32. This story is going to give me nightmares. Especially when you add in the rhinestone covered fingernails. Yikes.

  33. This article was like a pat on the head in praise, saying “way to go, little dyke”. I work as a line cook, so I am maniacal about cleaning my nails, after shifts it’s scrape, scrape, soap, then hand sanitizer, followed by soap 5 minutes later. And yeah, generally my nails are super well taken care of, so awesome.

    Feel bad for Cai.

    This nail infection thing is undoubtedly true, not only in the world of finger fucking but also in the world of martial arts. One of my sensei’s requirements for his class (other than reasonable attire, etc.) is trimmed nails. Cuts from nails often become infected in nasty ways.
    Hmm, this reminds me of the Dorothy Allison quotation from this week’s NSFW Sunday, “I go to bed like I used to go to Karate”.

  35. Gawd, this sounds like something from Snopes – it’s right up there with the frozen sausage tale.

    Gloves, gloves and gloves!

  38. Fucking shit, this makes me look forward to getting laid a whole lot less than usual. BRB, cutting my fingernails (and my girlfriend’s) and then comforting myself while in the fetal position.

  41. Good God. That’s my Christmas wish list gone. So much for getting humongously laid. *zooms off to go wash hands*

  43. Okay guys, babydyke question here. Long nails and rhinestones are decidedly out now, but is color okay? Y/N/fergit-it-get-a-glove?

    • Nail polish is fine, as long as you use a glove! Otherwise, it can flake off inside the vag and cause an infection or scratches. Eurgh!

      • Omg, I always secretly worried about flaking nail polish but I figured I was just being a freak. Good to know this is a legit concern.

      • Thanks for the info! btdubs, i feel like we just bonded while discussing safe sex. +2 to Team SexyGloves.

      • Could I get a source for that, please? I can’t find any information corroborating this anywhere. (I have seen some things talking about bacteria growth on chipped nail polish, but only in perioperative/high risk hospital situations, not ladysex situations…)

        • Dina I think I’ve mentioned this before but I admire your consistent dedication to claim citation.

          The librarian in me gets a little excited when you demand that shit in MLA.

  44. So I wasn’t crazy/ocd to think carrying gloves around just in case was an over the top idea
    Plus I get cuts on my hands all the time and never notice -it works both ways y’know

    I wonder if there’s glove ziplock bags like the one’s dental dams come in…That would be an interesting thing to pull out

    all in all -pinworms
    nuff said

  45. So sex yet, BUT THIS WILL BE MY MANTRA FOREVER. The mental images are already piling up.. ewwwww.

  46. Yikes. Unfortunately I know first hand how important it is to have clean nails. Once upon a time I made the terrible decision of having drunk, angry (read rough) sex with an ex girlfriend. Homegirl scratched me up pretty good and then I had a yeast infection the next day. No crazy pus or serious pain, just a standard yeast infection but still- that shit was annoying. So yes, check those nails, especially before drunk sex!

  48. I effing love effing dykes, but I’m also SO GROSSED OUT RIGHT NOW. Also, seriously, my nail polish can flake off and give a girl an infection??? Why was I never warned?!

    • Nurses can’t war nail polish because it’s also the best place for germs/bacteria to live on which is why I only wear nail polish when I am not planning to have any sexy times as for longer nails.

      • i’ve had black nail polish on my nails every single day since mid-2006. (seriously, except for like 3 weeks in summer ’07, i’m sorta obsessive about my nail polish situation.) a lot of shit has happened since then but none of that shit is nail polish flaking off inside anyone’s vadge.

        • Okay, so I got really curious and started in with the Google. I did find this: http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/547793 However, it’s talking about perioperative care, not girlsex. Way I think of it, straight girls don’t make guys sterilize their penises before sex, so as long as you wash your hands first, the amount of bacteria we’re talking about is probably negligible for our purposes (unless you have an immunocompromised vagina or something).

          • But don’t most straight girls make guys use condoms? Is this just an assumption I make about straight sex?

          • That would depend on what kind of relationship they’re in, whether they’re using any other birth control methods, etc.

          • Also if anyone thinks that condoms/gloves are completely sterile, I have a bridge that I’m looking to sell.

          • after being in a relationship with a man for over 5 years, i don’t make him wear a condom. we’re safe from sti’s and pregnancy is taken care of. he works with produce (before it even gets to a grocery store. who doesn’t wash their fruit before eating it, hurm?), so i often make him wash his hands before we do stuff.
            now, even though his penis isn’t out and about touching unclean things like, say, our hands are, i still make him get cleaned before fun times if he’s had a sweaty day, cultivating his own special brand of bacteria.

        • Thanks, that makes me feel LOTS better. My nails are always painted too and I would cry if I had to take off my polish EVERY TIME I had sex. wow.

  50. Spit out my coffee laughing at this:

    “How sad, I thought. Here she is at a bar and she’s old. I hope I don’t end up lonely like her.

    Isn’t it fun to be the center of your own universe?

    What a little shit I was.”

  51. Gad, reading this I totally did impulsively look at my nails. Clean, but maybe a little long in the tooth. Going to go file that shit down now…

  52. Safer sex, kids.

    Order a box of black nitrile gloves to keep in your supplies. They’re hot, and keep everybody safe (and they’re good for those of us w/ latex allergies). Some diseases do pass really easily between ladies, like HPV. HPV can be no big thing, or it can be warty and embarrassing, or it can wind up giving you cancer. Better safe & courteous to your bedmates then sorry.

    This story seems more of a cautionary tale against getting worked over by someone with that sort of manicure. The tears would have happened w/ clean fingernails or dirty, and that many tears would be a mess, even if she’s polished every last rhinestone with Purell.
    Gloves might have helped smoothed over the manicure. Might. She might have needed to double up. I don’t know.

  53. My friend told me about this time her friend used mayonnaise as lube.
    Some time later she kept getting random orgasm. (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing ;)
    She went the the doctor, to find out she had maggots grown inside her. Moving around.
    Think about that everytime you eat your next sandwich :0

  54. I got a urinary tract infection..
    First it hurt to pee and I was terrified I got some sort of sti
    but I peed in a cup and it was just an infection
    So.. a few pills later I was alright.
    Not the worst, but still not cool.

    • Also, if you get a UTI, never go “ehh I’ll just drink lots of cranberry juice, it’ll be fine.” Because that shit can turn into a kidney infection and they are HORRIBLE.

      • Omg! This is so true! I didn’t even notice the uti but when it got to the kidneys I couldn’t walk, it hurt sooo bad.

        I now drink cranberry juice regularly just to try to avoid it ever happening again

  55. But does anyone actually use gloves? It just seems so unsexy.
    (Though pinworms or a bleeding ‘gina seems a hell of a lot worse.)

    • let’s be honest here; being safe in the lesbian world is never sexy, practical, but not sexy.

      alas, i don’t care. i vote jumpin on the glove boat is a hell of a lot better than pinworms.

    • i wouldn’t mind if the girl i was making out with pulled out a glove. it can’t be any less sexy than how i don’t know what the hell i’m doing in bed. [only had sex twice, cut me some slack.]

    • Team Glove all the way. Well, not most days anymore, since my lady and I are all tediously monogamous and tested clear together, but EVERY DAMN DAY at first and I still pack some in our luggage when we go on sexy vacations.

  56. I now regret ordering shredded coleslaw for lunch…

    But thanks for posting this, I’ve been lazy in this department lately and needed a reality check/wake-up call. The second I get to a supermarket or pharmacy I’m stocking up on anti-bacterial hand-wash, portable alcohol rub, gloves, new nail clippers/filers, and fricken’ super strength topcoat for my nailpolish.

  58. Never let a girl go down on you after she’s just taken a swig of beer. Worst yeast infection of my life.

    Seriously though, it was like cottage cheese down there.

    • I’m guessing it’s the sugars in the beer causing that problem, not the yeast, though. They aren’t the same kind of yeast! The same would go for a swig of orange juice or Red Bull.

  61. I am getting so much second-hand embarrassment for Katie right now! I hope she doesn’t know who she is, but I also don’t want her to go around spreading nightmares to the greater Miami lesbian population. So conflicted!

  63. Hey,
    So I’ve put in my dues working at Planned Parenthood and now work at a University in the South doing programming for undergraduates around sexual health. I totally hear what you are saying but want to dispel errors in your story. Just for the sake of education…

    BV is actually pretty common in lesbians and can be transmitted via fingers or oral sex etc. It really has to do with the pH balance shifting. Dirty fingers, but also saliva is a different pH level as well. Symptoms can include: gray to yellowish homogenous discharge, sometimes with a fishy odor, sometimes causing vulvar &/or vaginal irritation. But the good news is that it’s easily treated with antibiotics.

    So fear not! Safety before sexy. Go forth and get busy!

  64. Thanks for posting this. I’ve gotten bacterial vaginosis twice and have bleed twice from dirty or long nails. I use to never assess my girlfriend/partner’s nails until I bled. Now as unspontaneous as it sounds, I make sure my girlfriends nails are short and she washes her hands right before we make love. Actually I love for us to both shower beforehand. Yes it sounds unromantic but there is nothing worse than having yucky pus itching or bleeding from your vag. And it actually shows you how much your partner loves or cares about that they do this. Oh and I wash my hands and keep my nails super short before I make love too. Works both ways.

  65. i luckily haven’t gotten an infection, but fuckkkkkk yes did i get torn the hell when i let my very first girlfriend fuck me with nails. i could. not. walk. every step i felt my vagina crying out in pain.
    never again will someone with nails get up in there.

  67. Reading these comments, I think I’m a bit of anomaly for not encountering somewhat particularly aggressive. Neither my girlfriend or I have ever experienced internal or external tearing… I can’t even imagine how that might happen! That being said, if it were happen, how would somewhat clean/sanitize it if it was internal?

    • The only things that should “clean” the vagina… Besides itself (it’s a self-cleaning organ!) are water, or, if you’re concerned about something uncleanly being inserted, neutral soaps that will not mess with the pH balance. Your vagina will largely take care of itself… And if something’s up, see your doc.

  69. Sooo the fact that I have a kit in my gf’s glovebox consisting of hand sanitizer, scented hand sanitizer, tissues and breathmints seems waaay less crazy now.

  70. I had similar problems with my first lady friend. She was a smoker, and had longish fingernails. I would frequently wake up with pools of blood in my underwear. Everything was all itchy, and I was all confused. I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with a bacterial infection. Took some nasty pills and it went away.

    Short nails ladies. Please.

    Shudder.

  71. “Vaginal tears. All over the inside of her vag. Lots and lots of tears.”

    I thought she meant “tears” as in, “why was her vag crying? Was it that bad?!”

    • OH MAN! I totally thought that at first, too! Then when I realized what was going on, I was the one with a crying vagina.

    • it took me until reading this comment to realize it was t-ehrs nor t-eeeeeerrrrrrzzzz.

      i thought sad vaginas were infected vaginas.

      or that crying vaginas were a euphemism.

      don’t judge me, i’m new at this.

  74. Things that went through my head when reading this:
    1) Thank god I was introduced to those little “finger cot” finger condoms you can wear on your fingers by my first ladyfriend (as a 15y/o couple of goth girlies, hoohah juices messed up our black nail polish).
    2. ZA’s is a restaurant in Boston my kickass lesbian aunt frequents, and the entire story, i just imagined her giving the advice in her soft-spoken new england way.
    3) Thinking about the Za’s mentioned above makes me want pizza.
    4) INFECTED SHREDDED LADY PARTS? no pizza for me, thanks.

  76. a) long nails = gross

    b) i just forwarded this article to my girlfriend in hopes of preventing strange looks and being insulted when the next time we are about to – i jump up to wash my hands and insist she wash hers

  77. A possible solution: Make handwashing sexy.

    It can range anywhere from pulling out a bottle of hand sanitizer from your purse/pocket and giving her the “hey babe wanna wrestle?” look, to getting a bowl of warm water/going to the sink, and taking turns washing each other’s hands with soap.

  78. But…but…I like my gf’s nails. :( I mean they’re not super long, just…there? I think they feel good, mebs this is weird. Not to say I like my insides scratched, cause it doesn’t feel like that…Aw shit, I dunno.

    As long as we sanitize, is this okay?

    Also there are no rhinestones involved, so that’s probs good.

  80. This is a really big day for me, because I am totally blase about a disease risk other people are freaking out about. Normally it is exactly the other way round. Hooray!! Pus for everyone!

    I am not afraid of any disease antibiotics can sort out, and I have yet to damage with/be damaged by nail polish or not-washed-30-seconds-ago hands. I think we’re all gonna be okay.

    • “I have yet to damage with/be damaged by nail polish or not-washed-30-seconds-ago hands.”

      I feel like I’ve been masturbating my whole life and never once washed my hands beforehand and … this has never been a problem for me. but I totally envy your ability to be blase cos I don’t think I’m ever going to touch myself down there again. everrrrrrr. or let anyone else same.

  81. Holy God.

    Also, when I read “vaginal tears” for a second I imagined her vagina crying.
    Which it probably was.

  82. didn’t it hurt tho during sex, with those nails ripping up her insides, i wonder?

    luckily i don’t go for girls with that kinda fingernails anyway…

  83. omfg!!! not only will i obsessively check their nails from now on, but i’m gona, like, have to fucking wash my own hands like a fucking freak everytime i feel like making myself happy?!?! why the fuck did i read this shit for!!!! fuck!!!

    • Hold on though. If you haver been touching yourself your whole life with no infection-related side-effects exactly what do you think has changed since you read this article? Krista has not used the lesbian force to plant micro-organisms under your fingernails. I promise.

      I mean seriously, I love a good panic as much as the next germaphobe but let’s be calm. Breathe, panicked lesbians. Breeathe.

  87. My vagina screamed the moment you said, “Her insides were hanging in ribbons.” The visual image of a vagina in ribbons…I am crying. My vagina is crying. Thank you.

    I will now dip my lady fingers in a home-made chemical concoction of bleach, purell, and formaldehyde and hope the next lady I sleep with does the same.

    If I was a germaphobe, I’d probably send myself to a mental asylum after reading this because I’d never trust a finger, even my fingers, ever again…and because I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t be able to…we’re not going there.

    But you get me.

    Eeeeeeeeek. Gross. Okay. I’m going to go eat spaghetti and red sauce because I’m hungry after reading.

  89. I am officially scared of getting sexy times with a lady for the first time now.

    “insides hanging in ribbons” is just too visual to not be scared.

    I am grooming my own nails now

    • No one’s insides are going to be hanging in ribbons! It’s okay!

      What is the world coming to when Autostraddle is inspiring people not to have sex? Will dogs wear shoes on their heads? Are coconut crabs our new crustacean overlords? WHAT IS THIS

  90. oh. my. god. that scared me. why did i click the link?

    anyway I always keep my nails short and clean and since (to me) hands are a very sexy part of the body I’m already looking at the other girl’s nails already

  91. O W.

    Am feeling rather superior about my lovely, healthy, resilient vagina at this time, even if it makes me sound like a smug hippie (which I am most certainly not).

    Bless it.

  92. Please Step Away from the Bleach and Purell and Anti-bacterial soap!! Regular soap with thourgh hand washing and rinse should be just fine. I do not want chemicals OR bad bacterias in or on my body, thanksomuch.
    EEK. The thought of someone not knowing how to finger bang without pulverizing, yikes.

  93. I for one think gloves are f-ing sexy, and it enables me to feel confident about having sex with folks that I do & do not know the sexual health status of.
    If I met someone who carried around their own ziplock with a few gloves and lube – shiiit, I’d be done for.
    Seriously get some (nitrile)gloves and try it on yourself for starters (its a swell sensation). It may take a bit to get acclimated to using them on another, but it protects your own health (as the comment earlier mentioned we can also have cuts/crapes that make us vulnerable) and doubly protects the other person’s gential health. All around a smart idea, and smart is sexy.
    Clean hands is also sexy but there are folks out there (like me) who would take the gloves over bare freshly washed hands most days. Carry some gloves (condoms also are a solid multipurpose barrier) and all of a sudden you have options.

    Also:
    Watch more porn.
    Read more erotic stories.

    Some of my most favorite scenes involve the use of gloves, condoms, dental dams, etc. (Pat Califia – No Mercy from the book Blood and Silver, Pink and White Productions – bunches of scenes that don’t involve the exchanging of sex juices). Lots of those glorious folks manage to have awesome ridiculously hott sex safely, so can we.

  94. OOps. Forgive my grammar spelling mistakes please. When I get excited I am not the best editor.
    And thank you autostraddle for being so fanfuckingtastic in so many ways. Now I will retreat back to lurkland until further excitment draws me out.

  95. score. also, i guess i’m an idiot, but i kept thinking of vaginal tears as TEARS, (not sure the caps helped clear things up) y’know, like her coot was crying pussy tears of pain. that’s worse than crying babies or kitties!

  97. just something I learned on that sex blog by two older ladies. I forget their names. lube with glycerin in it changes your pH which leaves you more vulnerable to yeasties or BV.

    I forget what lubes are vagina healthy (and silicone strap-on safe). since I also forget the name of the old ladies, I don’t know how to find out. if anyone on here knows, could you share?

  99. you lesbians……are so damn funny. gawd no wonder 75% my exs are bi =P
    quick question tho,
    maaaybe off the std topic
    which funny yes but ugh ya know its like talkin to a guy
    about your period…idk why we think its disgusting we just do. no explanation =]

    aaaanyway, do you girls think Sarah Silverman is gay or straight? mix?

    gaydar? real? lol

    • “ugh ya know its like talkin to a guy
      about your period…idk why we think its disgusting we just do. no explanation =]”

      Erm, I know why (some) men think periods are gross, it’s because of thousands of years of oppression in which women were depicted as deviations from the perfect male form & therefore womanparts were yucky, combined with social distaste for fluids which emphasise the living/deathness and the fact that our bodies aren’t whole complete units but part of nature. It’s no big mystery, dude. Wikipedia has a page on it ffs. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menstrual_taboo check it out.)

      big kisses,
      Feminism 101.

    • Aw! *hugs* Judging by the surprise & shock of everyone, this story can’t be a common occurrence. There’s always crazy stories out there, doesn’t mean it’ll happen to you :) The gal never died from it either so I think everything’s gunna be okay. Her vag just needs some tender lovin’ care.

  101. Thanks, y’all.

    You just gave me Lesbian Paranoid OCD and if my girlfriend doesn’t get laid/I don’t get laid next month when I see her, you’ll be the reason why. I hope you can live with yourselves.

    YOU JUST CAUSED LESBIAN BED DEATH.

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  103. There is a REASON we nurses are not allowed EVER to have any kind of artificial nails. Those motherfuckers harbor bacteria, yeast and viruses and you can spread that shit to ANYBODY you touch. They look very very pretty but they are actually very very revolting. No fake nails EVER in my change purse. there is not enough hand sanitizer available to kill the bugs that imbed themselves.

    • I agree! I find any nail ‘adornment’ a total turn-off and unsanitary. Luckily, in England, the short, plain nail seems to be all the rage! I fear the long red 1980s nails are just around the corner though.

  104. It’s a day later and my vagina is still crying.

    And I have no idea how this story even made me hungry yesterday.

    But it did.

    Isn’t Autostraddle supposed to make my vagina smile?

  105. for whatever reason, I keep coming back to this.

    Realized today that this has (hopefully temporarily) ruined a lot of porn for me because whenever I see long fingernails I see pain and suffering. Damnit.

  106. This made me cringe. There should be a horror movie made based around this. Thank gaga that I’m not planning on hooking up/dating anytime soon/for a while because I’m already a germaphobe and this article solidifies why I am one…

  109. omg. nightmares tonight. after reading this (and all the comments) i immediately went and washed my hands like five times and then gave myself a manicure.

  110. Argh!

    OK, I’m trying to talk myself down::

    1. It’s cool there’s still tongues, tongues are good for you
    2. Gloves are sexy anyways, especially blue nitrile gloves! You can find them in “extra-thin”, and I think you can probably order them in bulk off amazon or from your local sex shop, in case you can’t find a big box at the pharmacy.
    3. There is no three, I’m still thinking about scenarios involving sexy gloved hands

      • Then purple is your friend!

        Seriously amazon has a tremendous selection, I just browsed and found magenta nitrile gloves but only in a 1000-pack. Sadly that’s beyond my needs right now…

  111. After reading this and some of the comments, I think I’m traumatized for life. I may just stay celibate.

  112. I always say, if you wouldnt put in your mouth then dont let it go down south !! life mantra … :D

  113. My girlfriend (B) told me a story about one of her old flings (R). B used to have acrylic nails pretty much all of the time and at one point she cut up the inside of R so bad it was worse than a heavy flow period….I never let her, um, ‘down there’ if she has acrylics after hearing that story. And always makes sure the nails are short. The just sound so unpleasant….

  114. My plan for next time, fuelled by the fucking scary stories you guys have shared, is to whisper sexily “I’m going to go wash my hands”, wink, and sashay off. At least that way she’s guaranteed to get some. There’s no way I’mma spend that time scrubbing my nails and disinfecting my hands if I won’t get rewarded.
    Yeah, I’m a top. Because my girlfriend wears nail polish. Eeeep.

  115. Woah! Nature appears to have already armed me with this as part of a kind of lesbian ‘natural selection’ mechanism.

    See, people ask me what first attracts me to a girl, and I say hands, they laugh. This is clearly some inbuilt survival instinct!!! WHO’S LAUGHING NOW MY INFECTED FRIENDS!?

    I’M NOT A FREAK!* WIN!

    *less of a freak

  116. I love how this post has more comments than cai did vaginal tears.
    ew btw and I refuse to let a girl put fake nails near my vajj let alone in der! BACTERIA city!
    Hands should always be clean ESPECIALLY if you work with food ie jalapenos.
    My ex girl got to sleep on the couch for a few nights for coming home and making things ‘hot’ arg! nothing but time makes that sting stop.

  117. Found it very interesting, would have never thought about it if I hadn’t read it…Had to share amongst my friends.

  119. So glad my girlfriend keeps her nails short as a result of compulsive nailbiting and that I keep mine trimmed short because they’d just get torn up at work anyway. No torn up lady-bits for us, thank you very much.

  120. Lesbians and their cats, man. DON’T LET A GIRL PET YOUR CAT BEFORE SHE PETS YOUR OTHER CAT.

    This article is what I needed in middle school.. I mean it’s good to know about girl/boy sex but yeah.

    • Yeah. It’s weird that we only learned about boy/girl sex though. But I guess it’s pretty popular.

  121. Eep.
    Note to self: Never date a girl with long nails/get into bed with one.

    But fuck now Im concerned D:

  123. ..i am just cringing inside.. uggh!
    soo, i guess mom was right that i should always wash my hands… mother knows best..

  124. Nice article, although pin worms aren’t going to cause a problem in your vag, but rather when they get into your mouth. Treat sex like food prep to avoid parasites and other infections ;p

  125. O.M.F.G….the kitty is right…what has been seen can not be unseen!
    Im a bit OCD about my nails so this makes me feel a bit less wierd lol, and as for long nails they’re fine as long as you know what you’re doing. I’ve always had crazy long nails but never a complaint lol, then again I keep em clean and manicured and never go for that fake nails and gluing stuff to em crap *shudders* some have war flash backs, I have fake nails for prom flash backs…THEY FUCKING HURT TO TAKE OFF! Its like freaking super glue :/

  127. Long nails have never even occurred to me as an option for this! For the longest time, my ex gf was the only one who did the fucking, and when she got the courage to ask me to do it, I was kind of uncomfortable, but I agreed to give it a shot. The only quibble I had other than a misconceived notion of gender roles was that I knew I’d have to cut off my pretty, completely even, just the right length (all of this was rare) nails, and I told her so. But those big sad puppy eyes made my decision easy.

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  129. Holy Fuck, I have been clamping my legs together and clutching my uterus for the entire duration of this article! NEVER!

  131. Am I the only one who doesn’t find flashy nails attractive? Maybe I’ve developed a lesbian survival instinct.

    On another note, so two lesbians walk into a bar… I mean, I was working at a bar, my-now-girlfriend comes round, as does a friend of mine who didn’t know we’re messing around. But she must have gotten the hint, ’cause the first chance she had, she grabbed my hand, examined it, grabbed her hand, examined it, and announced with a sly grin, “You two are shaggin’.”

    Nails. Dead giveaway.

  133. Great first date, bar-hopping and groping. We went back to her friend’s house. (Did we wash hands after being out in public all night in two different bars? No. We did not.) We hooked up. She fisted me. Without gloves. It was greeeeeeat. Later? Major yeast infection.

  134. Jesus! Does no one take precautions these days? Short nails washed hands and if in doubt gloves… have some respect for your partner….

  135. Why are you eating gluten free graham crackers when the marshmallows are made from duh! Gelatin.

  136. Couldn’t help noticing the booze / bar references, as a plumber I can tell you every year our public safety reports put the door handle to the public bathroom and the faucet in the top three for all things bad bacteria or virus wise. The toilet seat usually never makes it in the top ten go figure.
    As for the hand sanitizer, if it can’t kill hep or staph on contact I’m not interested. Hot water and soap for at least a minuet ok for your place, but in public? in a bar? I wear lotion, latex, and still disinfect when I am done. The fixtures in the bar bathroom will kill you long before the booze and semi-safe sex will in my opinion.

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  139. oh man am I ever late to this comment party! ANYWAY

    I just wanted to leave a note that while Za’s is defunct, XS is a thing! (they’re the gay bar that moved in after Za’s closed) It is one of a handful of gay bars in the area and it is pretty okay (not in terms of gay bar ness, but in terms of “it’s not another sports bar thank fucking god” ness)

    however it is one of those “gay bars” that is actually a straight people bar because they play good music.

    green bay native OUT

  141. Thanks for the advice. I’ll trim my nails and wash my hands before I fingerbang someone.

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  145. in the year of our lorde 2017, i just re-read this in honour of effing dykes returning

    (also omg i forgot how bloody horrid it is)

    (ARGHHHH!!)

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