Welcome to Embarrassing Lesbian Sex Story-Fest 2012!
In case you’ve forgotten:
Have you noticed how every time anyone brings up something gross about lesbian sex, we always link to the fingernails post? That’s because the internet severely lacks the lesbian/bisexual/queer-girl-person sex equivalent of Cosmopolitan’s Sex Stories or Sassy’s Mortifying Moments.
You probably have an embarrassing sex story you want to share with the internet. For prizes! Your story can be short or long (50 to 4500 words sounds about right) and can be cringe-worthy or hilarious.
The winner will receive the Pop Your Top kit from Good Vibrations (a version of this kit was previously reviewed by NSFW Sunday), which includes:
+ Hitachi Magic Wand
+ Fuchsia Pop Top Deluxe Silicone attachment
+ 2 oz. bottle of Please Liquid Lube
+ And internet fame!
Vote for your favourite from now until Friday! The winner will be announced next week. And now: it’s time. Below, the most embarrassing, mortifying, awkward, or hilarious lesbian sex stories submitted by you.
1. Lesbian Auto-Sex
My current girlfriend and I were on our way back from the cinema one night, and because I wasn’t sleeping over we decided to pull over into a field to make “use” of my car. Long story short, we had fantastic sex and decided to leave, I went to turn the car around, and it was completely stuck in the mud. We tried everything to get it out, including her trying to push it resulting in her falling flat on her face in the mud. In the end I had to call my Dad (who didn’t know about gayness or said girlfriend) at 1:30 a.m., explain we were stuck in a field, why on earth we’d even been in the field at all, and ask him to come tow us out.
via femmethings.tumblr.com
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2. Not Sex on the Beach
You know how they say that “sex on the beach” is really sexy and exciting and they even have a cocktail named after it? Well that’s BULLSHIT. Although whoever “they” are probably meant like, a warm sunny beach with blankets and maybe a chaise, and not a cold, windy night on Manhattan Beach which, if you aren’t from the LA area, is like the anus of beaches … in a bad way. Anyways, I’m going down on this girl I’m dating, but the wind keeps blowing sand in my face/in her vagina, and I’m coughing and it’s pretty much humiliating. So that was bad. But how do I redeem myself? We go back to her place, where I proceed to get so stoned that I literally COULD NOT FIND HER VAGINA. Couldn’t find it. I passed out somewhere around her ankles. The worst part is, bc the lesbo community in LA is so small, I see her all the time. As an old YM issue might say, OMG MORTIFYING.
via lesfemmes.tumblr.com
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3. Fucking and the Police
The summer before college, I had my first girlfriend, and once I discovered the wonders of gay sexytimes I was obviously obsessed, to the point of being willing to do it almost anywhere. Exhibit A: one night after a dinner out, we decided to park my car behind a closed-for-the-summer elementary school and go at it. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do, amirite??
So things are going great until we see headlights behind us and we realize IT’S THE COPS. We get dressed as quick as humanly possible and after a few frantic seconds of, “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE BUTCH ONE,” “NO YOU ARE,” we decide to take equal responsibility and we both get out of the car. The cop is a big middle-aged dude and clearly shocked to see two ladies emerge from the vehicle. He’s all, “What are you girls doing back here?” and I don’t even think sex occurred to him as a possibility, despite the fact that we were sweaty, disheveled, the car was steamy, etc. HETEROSEXISM AT ITS FINEST! So we’re like, “Oh, uh, hanging out, sorry.” He eyes us suspiciously and says, ”Well, I’ve got to take your information.” My girl is freaking out about her parents getting wind of anything, but he assures us it’s just routine procedure. So he hands us a notepad and has us write down our names (why he didn’t just ask for our licenses, I have no idea). He shines his flashlight so we can see the notepad and then I notice … my girlfriend’s hand is COVERED in blood. I guess I’d gotten my period during sex and hadn’t noticed. So IMMEDIATELY the cop is like, “WAIT, YOU’RE BLEEDING. WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?” And my girlfriend sees and freaks out and makes up some crazy story about having cut herself on the pocket knife on her keychain. The cop insists on searching the car (for bodies?) and, finding nothing, finally finally finally lets us go. But not before my girlfriend has inadvertently gotten my period blood all over his notepad.
We vowed never to have sex behind a school again (but not never in a car, cuz that’s just too good), then laughed for like six months straight. For years afterward we’d joke about the time we got caught ‘”red-handed.”
via reno 911
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4. Wet T-Shirt Contest
I live in a college dorm, as does my now ex-girlfriend. One night we were in her room, having a smashing good time trying out the strap-on she’d just bought from Edens Fantasies. Just as things were about to really “explode,” the fire alarm went off. My girlfriend was trying to get the strap on off, but the straps were tangled, people were yelling in the hall way, our RA was knocking on the door, I was naked and I couldn’t find my bra, I didn’t have shoes, she was still tangled in the damn harness… She ended up just pulling the toy out of the harness, throwing some sweatpants on over it, and we ran outside, neither of us in shoes, me just wearing a t-shirt and a pair of her shorts… and it’s raining. My t-shirt is white. I don’t have a bra. Needless to say, it was an embarrassing night.
via lesfemmes.tumblr.com
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5. The 69’ers
My girlfriend and I were trying to 69 for the first time. We thought it would be sexy to try something new in bed. I was on the bottom and she was on the top. Okay, so imagine my face on her vagina and well the rest is up to your imagination. Well I was kind of uncomfortable since I did not have much head support. So I decided to lift my head a bit so that I could put some pillows under there or something. Well… as I was trying to move my head a bit she must have noticed something was going on and slightly pushed down. Well, not such a good idea because her whole vagina/bottom half went right up into my face. Yea, we laughed for a whole few minutes after that.
Jiz Lee and Stoya via Fleshbot
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6. Oops!
Once in high school I was fingerbanging this really hot girl at her house and she squirted. She was really surprised, and I maybe was too, but she started crying! And I was young and really strange, and I still don’t know why but I started laughing, hard. At which point she slapped me (totally deserved it), went to the bathroom came back and gathered my clothes (walking papers). So that was good enough but, I am not even kidding when I say that every day that this story haunts me I have to air-five Dan Savage because it so gets better: as I am leaving I see her mother and I get immediately nervous but act cute and innocent because I was a total charmer: “Bye, thanks for having me,” and other such bullshit. As I turn away from her, she grabbed me by the elbow and said, “Don’t you ever fucking touch my daughter again, dyke.” I wish I’d said, or even just thought something clever and bitchy but I just said, “sorry sorry” did this awkward bowing motion and then I cried on the drive home.
I probably wrecked that family though so it’s cool.
via lesfemmes.tumblr.com
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7. Ice Cubes
One time I was having sexy time with my girlfriend when – feeling especially turned on and experimental – I interupted the sex saying, “I’m going to go get ice cubes, I’ll be right back.” As I was getting off the bed my girlfriend pointed to a wet spot where I had been, saying, “Look what you left!” and giggling. Laughing, I then pointed where she had been and said, “Look what YOU left!” Strike one. On the bed where my girlfriend had been was a tiny little streak of poop. She immediately burst into tears. I was shocked. Our sexy time had taken a sudden turn for the worse. As my girlfriend’s sobs grew stronger I found it harder and harder to supress my laughter until finally it burst out of mouth. Strike two. At this my girlfriend – still crying – stood up and started frantically stripping the sheets from the bed. She quickly paced around the room putting new sheets on, blubbering about how gross she felt and how embarrassed she was. I helplessly watched and tried to put in words of support telling her I didn’t think it was that gross. “It’s not a big deal, you just didn’t wipe very well!” Strike three. She collapsed to the floor at the end of the bed, pulled the large comforter up around her entire body, sobbed, and ate an entire box of cookies for the next twenty minutes. Finally, she calmed down, and now we laugh about it. Still, it was one of the funniest and yet most horrifying experiences of my sex life.
via sapphoria.tumblr.com
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8. Stuck Fisting
So, my girlfriend and I were watching some porn on Cyber Dyke one night and got really into it, so we turned it off to go play. I was fingerblasting her and every time I could feel that she was close to orgasm, I backed off to try to prolong things. This went on for half an hour. I finally had enough and wanted her to finish, so I worked up to fisting her, which was something relatively new for both of us at the time. When she finally came, it was really forceful, it actually hurt my hand. I slowly went to take my hand out and well, she didn’t want to let it go, lol. We were stuck. I was totally panicked, I didn’t think I was ever going to get my hand out. Neither one of us knew what to do, so she begrudgingly called her sister and dished the situation to her. I heard uproarious laughter from the other end of the phone for like five minutes, all the while my hand is still stuck. Finally, her jackass sister decided to be nice and do a little Googling on the subject to help us out and I finally worked my fist free. We never lived that down though, her sister still teases me about it pretty much all the time.
via suicidegirls
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9. Rainbow Gathering
When my girlfriend (of 6+ years) and I got together, I was young and inexperienced. Very inexperienced. We were living in a house that could be seen as a kind of indoor Rainbow Gathering with seven other roommates, directly across from several frat houses,and very close to the campus of a large public university. No one locked the front door because everyone was too stoned to remember where their keys were. My girlfriend and I had recently purchased our first strap-on. When I put it on for that first time, after approximately an hour of strap adjusting and dildo placement, my girlfriend burst into nervous laughter. Seeing a dildo suddenly sprout from my big-tits, big-ass, buzzcut self probably looked a bit ridiculous. Ten minutes later she had gotten over the silliness of it all to give me a blowjob. Then the door opened. A burly looking, obviously intoxicated frat dude wandered in, stared at us for a second, and then said, ”Ohhhhhh. Sorry, I thought this was my buddy’s room,” in a tone that conveyed both a sense of shock and excitement, like he had just won the lottery or something. And then he stood there, staring. My girlfriend, recovering from the shock first, told him to get the fuck out. He turned and walked away, not towards the front door. My girlfriend, having turned in to 6 feet of pure femme rage by this time, got up and chased him the fuck out of the house, naked. I was left in the bedroom, deciding whether to upset the delicate balance of straps that held the dildo in place or to throw my tiger striped robe (given to me as a gift from my grandma) over the whole ordeal and pray it didn’t fall open. I opted for the latter, and timidly made my way out to participate in the drunk frat boy herding.
via femmethings.tumblr.com
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10. Shower Scene
My girlfriend and I had just finished getting it on discreetly in the shower of the dressing room in the theater at my college. She sweetly kissed me on the check and came in for a hug. Instinctively I immediately bro-patted her on the back with two taps and then thought immediately “what the fuck was that?… I hope she doesn’t notice/say anything.” I held on for an extra second to compensate for the possibly-strange bro pat. But then when we pulled apart, she looked at me, bursts into laughter and said, “Did you just pat me on the back…?” I looked down in complete embarrassment. “Was that supposed to mean good job old bean or something?” I was super petrified by the whole ordeal at the time but now every time we have a particularly fantastic rousing round of sex someone gets patted on the back.
via elles.tumblr.com
Vote for your favourite story here! Winners will be announced next week.
A lot of stuff happened in lesbian sex this week!
+ The Rumpus reviewed The Necessity of Certain Behaviours, a collection by Shannon Cain that offers multiple perspectives on sexuality and identity:
“Clear sexual descriptions fuel many of Cain’s best passages, as does her refreshingly agnostic and all-embracing perspective on sexual desire and identity. In “This Is How It Starts,” the protagonist Jane begins the story with a “boy” and a “girl” she likes equally: “The girl is fond of her strap-on. The boy is fond of cunnilingus. This is satisfying to Jane. Plus, Jane can say this to the girl: ‘It would be nice if your dick were bigger.’ Jane would not make this statement to the boy, though it may be slightly true.” Jane ends up with neither the boy nor the girl, but the story never implies that she should or could arrive at an identity-limiting epiphany, and instead ends with a different variety of bittersweet irony that I won’t reveal.”
via fuckyeahdykes.tumblr.com
+ Some people have been wondering whether sex addiction is real or is made up by people who just have a lot of sex. According to the Vancouver Sun, female sex addiction is increasing, and while the examples the article uses are flawed (porn, s&m, and having affairs are all cited as evidence that “this thing is morphing right in front of us”). But weird statements aside, the article raises a few interesting points. According to Jezebel:
“That compulsive sexual behavior is a painful affliction is clear, but what’s not clear is what, exactly, constitutes the difference between sex addiction and plain old compulsive behavior, or if sex addiction even exists, at least in the eyes of some mental health professionals. One critic of sexual addiction warns that conflating sexual obsession with sex addiction does “real” addicts a disservice. In other words, there’s a big difference between being an alcoholic and liking porn a little too much. As an example, he offers examples of other activities in which people engage compulsively— like exercise, stamp collecting, and music fandom. No one’s “addicted” to Radiohead. At least, I don’t think so.”
via shelikesher.tumblr.com
+ Having a “weird” name can influence your online dating choices. According to a study of 47,000 users of a German online dating site, people will “somewhat unattractive” first names received fewer profile hits than those with “somewhat attractive” names:
First names are connected to stereotypes. When we become acquainted with people, their appearance plays a role, but so does what this person is called. That is often the first information we get. This impression has a powerful effect on how we process additional information about this person. If a person has a dubious name, we often automatically associate him with a dubious stereotype. And we proceed to evaluate all further information based on this dubiousness.
+ Whether or not flirting is an acceptable tool for journalists has recently been the subject of debate in the UK, as a parliamentary report commissioned after the phone-hacking scandal says it isn’t:
“Under the heading “ten tactics used by some in the media – beware,” it states: “Flirting. Often interlinked with alcohol. Designed to get you to drop your defences and say far more than you intended. Be careful.”
via pinktacolovers.tumblr.com
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There should definitely be an “embarrassing lesbian sex story” on every NSFW Sunday.
So, so, so funny.
I hate embarassing stories and was reluctant to read these at all, but these are AWESOME and hilarious. Just another example of Autostraddle being greater than everything else.
I stopped reading at numer 6 because I was too hilarious and needed to say it haha oops indeed, you have my vote
My girlfriend and I always agree that we have been through far too much together for either of us to ever leave: Bunk bed horrors, tapeworms, electric shocks, handcuffs and headboards, rug fires, allergic reactions … I could probably write a book on the things we’ve done that have gone horribly, horrible wrong.
I have to wonder at which point the tapeworms were introduced into your relationship.
My girlfriend had gone to Africa to do some volunteering at a very off-the-map clinic. They (she + the group she was with) ate a lot of local foods and street foods without any problems, but I guess she picked it up somewhere. She thinks it might actually have been eating a burger in a restaurant where they hadn’t cooked it well-done like she had asked. Anyway … not a tampon.
….OWRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
These are amazing. The best part has got to be at the end of #6, “I probably wrecked that family though so it’s cool.” Word girl. Get it.
This definitely made my day and took me back to the days of embarrassing stories in YM.
If this had been a YM story it would have involved a tampon and/or pad falling out. The “Red Handed” story does come pretty close, though. ;)
No see, but what makes this great is the embarrassing thing isn’t “oh my god now there’s a boy holy shit who knows that I bleed every month–guys periods/women are inherently disgusting/embarrassing” … the HILARIOUS thing is that there is some cop too stupid to recognize that sex was happening with–haha–blood on his notepad.
I really appreciated that there was zero “ewwww…. that was gross ’cause girls bleed” in that one.
yes all the embarrassing moments in YM involved tampons and usually white pants or a bathing suit and the boy you had a crush on
It was because of these stories that I never wear white pants… Also because really, white pants? I don’t want to look like a republican.
Yellow mustard.
Kidding, it used to be a magazine directed towards teenage girls from 1932-2005.
Great stories. #7 has my vote, but that last one is pretty great too.. id rather hear stories on sexual exploits, not necessarily embarassing onesz… also, you just did sex on the beach wrong. Too bad for you.
This was wonderful, I’m crying in a good way.
to all the ladies whom submitted there stories i say a million thx for the laughs
Umm, not to get all soapbox-y, but am I the only one who took issue with this part of one of the stories?
At which point she slapped me (totally deserved it)
I mean… Let’s say that, during sex, or even an emotional moment, a man slapped his male or female partner. Say, for example, after disrobing, his partner laughed at the size of his penis, we still wouldn’t be okay at him using physical force. We’d say shit like, “He should know better.”
Now, I understand the basic physical strenght/size differences between men and women, but isn’t the idea that it’s okay for an angry/hurt/upset woman to use physical force kind of misogynistic in its own way? Y’know, “Oh ho ho, you can’t expect those women with their hormones and uterus’s and such to control themselves, but us stoic men should know better!”
I just have a problem with non-consensual physical hitting, and thought that we all learned as children, “Even if their being awful, you don’t hit.”*
*I mean, self defense is obviously okay, but to be the initiator over someone being a jerk seems like you knuckles would be sore soon. And not in the good, sexy times way.
Dude, I don’t mean to be unsympathetic to your opinions but, you’re taking the slap way to serious. The author didn’t make a big deal about it. The story was funny, enjoy it. What does “non-consensual physical hitting” mean anyway.
I was trying to be sympathetic to boxers and BDSMers.They consensually hit.
It was a funny story, I agree, and I don’t know the context. I guess I just have a strong, “Woah woah, back up… why are you being so casual about x? X IS NOT OKAY!” in me. Then again, as Will Smith said in Hitch, “For those of you who missed high school… hitting is good.” This may explain my love life, like, a LOT. Also, they need to do a lesbian version of Hitch. Seriously, you could keep the name. Just make Hitch a hot butch/androgynous type. Get Shane to play her!
i don’t think you’re taking it too seriously. hitting in a relationship is Not Okay (outside of kink things) and i was concerned to read that too. No one ever deserves to be hit, and hitting is not the only option to convey your emotions.
Thank you for making me lol for about 10 minutes. I have a permanent grin on my face for the rest of the day. “COULD NOT FIND HER VAGINA”… BAHAHAHA
These stories are hilarious!!! Please keep them coming!
Okay, now that I’ve proposed Hitch: The Lesbian Version in an above comment, I think that this needs to happen. We have Katherine Moennig play Samantha Hitchens, called Sam or Hitch by her friends/clients. “Any time, any place, any where, any woman can sweep her girl right off her feet. She just needs the right broom.” So, in the opening montage of couples Hitch gets together, we keep the firefighter (only now a woman, obvs.), and replace the two guys with women. I think that there should be a sort of, “But she’s straight!” “Not for you she isn’t!” (Hey, I kind of like Hitch as a rom com fan, but honestly, the assumption that all these guys were secretly lusting after ALL straight women is a bit hetrosexist. So if they can be hetrosexist, I get to be homosexist. Even the seemingly straight girl is just a lesbian waiting to get out!). To replace Kevin James as the “improbable love interest of hot girl” I have two ideas: Melissa McCarthy (would be excellent, and is much funnier than Kevin James) or maybe the actress who plays Amy on the Big Bang Theory? I’m thinking something considered “nerdy”.
While there is not need to replace Eva Mendes, if we do, let’s go for Amber Heard. Or Wanda Sykes, given that the more I talk the more WAY too white this movie is seeming (although maybe Wanda as the annoying yet loveable ex of Hitch, who is now her friend a la Sam and Michelle on Exes and Ohs?).
Also, to tie it back in to the topic: Hitch was all about a smooth player falling for a girl because all of his move’s didn’t work. Well, I think that we just pay for the rights to one of these stories and adapt it for a scene in the movie. I like #1 and #2 best- some great areas for physical comedy right there.
I’ll take my check for 40 million now, Hollywood.
Can we queer remake all of the movies?
I think we start with the 40s screwballs and work forward. Philadelphia Story, Her Girl Friday, It Happened One Night…
Other ideas, off the top of my head:
When Hailey Met Sally
Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner? (Hint: It’s her girlfriend)
Holiday (Really underrated Cary Grant-Hepburn pairing. Now, all we need, is a female Cary Grant. What? Dude was a classy gentleman! I’m thinking a hot, chivalrous, swanky butch. Also, she will need lots of swagger. I’m liking one of the actresses from Itty Bitty Titty Committee for this, but I can’t choose which one)
Imagine Me and You: The Series (What? That was the cutest lesbian rom com I have ever seen, next to maybe DEBS. Okay, I’ll put But I’m A Cheerleader in there too)
Gay Love Actually (was there even one gay relationship in there? No, right? Unless you want to pair Bill Nighy and his manager)
The Thin Woman (Okay, needs a title change, but who wouldn’t be down for a movie where a woman and her girlfriend solve crimes while throwing back ungodly amounts of booze and bantering wittily?)
The Importance of Being Earnestine
The Graduate (older woman seduces younger woman? Hells yes)
And so on! I mean, if everyone else gets to remake films, at least giving these old classics a queer twist would make them new again.
I’ll play the Cary Grant part. You should see me rock a hat
I have a friend who’s like your Cary Grant in real life, except maybe she’s quieter. But zomg yes so gentlemanly.
And I’ll audition for the younger woman role in The Graduate, kthx
They had a lesbian relationship in Love Actually but it was cut =( It was a really sweet/sad storyline about the headmistress of the school (just do a YouTube search for ‘Love Actually Deleted Scene – How is today?’) Thank you for making my ’16-year-old-I-bought-the-extended-dvd-and-watched-it-religiously-because-omg-Keira-Knightley’ gayby phase useful!
I want this to happen in REAL LIFE. Because damn could I use some moves or what.
Ahahahaha, my goooooooooood, I burst into tears of laughter with 8 and 10. Hilarious!!!
Number 8, hands down! …or, rather, hands in
#7, #8, and #10 crack me up! Thanks for sharing, ladies!
Hahahaha! Oh my God, I laughed so hard at #3 and #8. #7 is just HORRIBLE. I have no idea what I would have done in either person’s shoes! Thank you so much for these. These stories are a much needed dose of reality.
9 was completely hilarious! It gets my vote! I really loved ALL the stories though.
I swear I know the identity of one of the participants in #2 cause she’s talked about it in stand up before. The two exact same stories. Does her first name start with C? :P
I think that I’ll vote for #3, what with being caught “red-handed” and all…I’m a sucker for puns that become “inside” jokes. Also for the fact my girlfriend and i were pulled over by the police Friday night and we’re still laughing nervously about that. Anyway thanks for divulging your stories, all cringe-worthily hilarious !
#8 was definitely an inside joke….
I’m not sure which one is better, the ‘I forgot where her vagina was’ or the ‘I got my hand stuck up her vagina’.
They were all magical but still, those two had me in tears.
My girlfriend and I discussed what we’d do if 8 happened to us… Her sister’s a doctor; that’s something, right?
Number 6 killed me… the embarrassing and awkward apologetic bows as she backed out of the room? I literally burst out laughing… I keep picturing it and it never stops being funny. Totally got my vote!
I’m trying to think of asking my sister to google for tips on how to get my hand unstuck from a girl’s vag and guys… I just can’t.
The dorm room fire alarm one totally happened to me, but we managed to get clothes on on time.
My own favourite story is the time Youtube started replaying the video my partner had open on the computer and we suddenly realised we were having sex to the Legend of Zelda soundtrack (though this was with a boy so it doesn’t count for a Lesbian Mortifying Moment).
My vote goes to that red-handed story. Sooo funny that the cop thought there was a body in the car.
Runner up is the poop streak one. I don’t know: there’s something about sex and all its bodily fluids that we can’t help and how potentially embarrassing it is and the cookies in the end. :)
Oh my gosh! If #7 happened to me…I would definitely cry. But there’s nothing more comforting than eating a box of cookies in times like those. I could see #8 happening to me. I just don’t know who I would feel more comfortable with calling lol We would just have to work together to google it ourselves.
Number 7, I died laughing. Especially the part about eating a box of cookies in 20 minutes.
I vote for three XD Its just too puny funny and I can’t get enough of that.
Number 8 lol xD
I can easily, easily, easily imagine #7 happening in my life… I have zero tact and tend to like girls who would stuff their face with cookies while sobbing…
OMG – these are all horrifying and funny.
I think I vote for the red-handed one too but “I was left in the bedroom, deciding whether to upset the delicate balance of straps that held the dildo in place” for number 9 cracks me up when I picture it. Every. Single. Time.
http://SoNotStraight.tumblr.com
i read this soooo slow because i wanted to never end and then of course i read it again and again lol really hilarious
i think after this:
#3 I notice … my girlfriend’s hand is COVERED in blood
#8 I slowly went to take my hand out and well, she didn’t want to let it go, lol. We were stuck
for me there can’t be only one winner
Ps. One time i get caught in my car having sexy time with steamed windows and all by a friend and i thought that was the most embarrassing thing that could have happened to me, not anymore after reading this, thanks AS!
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