Q:
My wife and I haven’t had sex in almost 2 years. I’m 25 and my wife is 30. We been married for 2 years and been together 2 years and 7 months. I know that’s not a long time and we’re already having sexual issues. When we got married I had no idea this was how it would be. In the beginning of our relationship we had great sexual chemistry but when we started living together things went downhill. I noticed earlier on that we wouldn’t do it as often but when I brought it up she said she didn’t like certain things that I did and she was use to things a certain way. I tried to change and then another reason came up being that she wished I would initiate sometimes because she’s a woman just like me and she’s use to women being more forthcoming. I can admit that was hard for me because by this time I felt so self conscious about her previous reason to the lack of our intimacy. Over time it got worse, and we’ve had plenty of conversations about it. Her last conclusion was that she fells overwhelmed and stressed out in our relationship due to having to worry about me financially and not being supported with her goals. She said it makes her feel like she’s my parent and she can’t view me in that way. She’s also expressed that when she’s stressed or focused on achieving a goal all thoughts of sex goes away. She’s even expressed she might be asexual.
Now my wife is amazing. I love her dearly and she’s like my best friend. She’s very supportive and compassionate. We’ve worked through most of the stuff that was she said was hindering and I’ve started to pull my weight in the relationship now that I am more settled. I still haven’t seen any improvement on her end to rekindle things and our most recent conversations about it seems she doesn’t want to try. We still kiss, cuddle, and go on dates, but that’s as intimate as it gets and I’m worried that we’re too early in our marriage to be experiencing such drastic sexual differences. I need some advice.
A:
Hey there OP.
Dead bedroom marriages are incredibly tough at the best of times. They often speak to one person’s emotional and intimate needs going unfulfilled, and the mounting pressures that exerts on a psyche. The confines of monogamous marriage can make the situation seem inescapably stressful. I see a lot of those frequent flyer characteristics in the story you’re telling and getting into it is never easy.
The pattern that stills my mind the most in what you’ve written is that you’ve been steadily addressing pain points she raises about sex. Your efforts to take on more work in a relationship and initiate sex should be welcomed as helpful steps for her. Especially since they’re the exact issues she outlined as fuel for her hesitancy. But they haven’t worked, and ongoing conversations don’t seem to help. That’s a worrying pattern that hints at her not knowing, or not telling you exactly why she’s unwilling to have sex. Either can result in forming new reasons for not wanting to participate when previous reasons are invalidated. Forming a rationale for why something holds us back is a completely normal response, but in interpersonal exchanges, it can become a chain of excuses that lead others to frustration and stress.
I used to hang out in support communities for sexless marriages, and this pattern often shows up when one person is working hard to address their partner’s pain points about sex and resume intimacy. When it doesn’t work, it’s usually a sign that someone isn’t divulging the whole truth (for whatever reason).
In isolation, none of her reasons you’ve listed are unusual. Wanting someone to initiate? Feeling stressed? Needing more support in the relationship? These are some of the most common reasons for a downswing in sex. Moving in together and getting married recently are other factors that destabilize a sexual routine. The pattern I see in her reasons is that she generally makes an effort to make an argument that it’s not you, it’s me. This presents a dilemma because many of those problems aren’t quickly solvable by you. If she’s walling up behind her reasons, she’s doing it with some care for your feelings, but in frustrating ways that you can’t always address.
That leads to my main guess: She could be a lot more than ‘might be asexual’. She’s already mentioned it to you and a lot of other behaviors check out. There’s cuddling, kissing, and dating, but nothing more sexual than that. You both have a supportive and vibrant friendship within the relationship (vitally important!) but no sex. She seems disinterested in sex and always finds a reason to avoid it. These sound like the hallmarks of an asexual person being with someone who wants sex.
I’d listen to the part of her that has mentioned asexuality. Most people who have a queer awakening know a lot more about their inner selves before they tentatively speak out the first words of their revelation. If she’s anything like most of us, she already knows a lot more about asexuality than she’s letting on. She may just not be ready or well-positioned to approach the topic further.
That would be a discomforting outcome for you and the effort you’ve put in these last two years. But I think there’s a real possibility there. If my guess is true, then I don’t think anyone is ‘wrong’ or at fault here. People have queer realizations all the time, and they’re seldom convenient. In your time of introspection and learning, what kind of voice would you have wanted in your life? Hopefully not a resentful or hostile one, even if your actions were disjointed and chaotic.
I also think that if you want to bring some of these reasons to light, you’ll have to approach the next conversation on her grounds. She’s well aware that you’re a sexual being and are making an effort to reintroduce intimacy into the relationship. But from her perspective, those discussions may be a source of stress if they’re in conflict with her needs. And from what I can tell, she needs less sex. If you can frame the next conversation as one about the possibility of asexuality without the pressures of rekindling sex in the relationship, I think you’ll find something. Even if the assumption of asexuality is incorrect, you’ll at least have an empathetic conversation about a serious topic with her. There are lots of ways to learn and build from that.
Maybe she’s not asexual and was just throwing possibilities out. Maybe she’ll have another reason for not wanting sex (which would say a lot about communication and labor in the relationship). Maybe she’s not sure of her own reasons or isn’t ready to say. There are too many possibilities for me to hash out, but you’re the person positioned to explore them. Despite the frustration, I think this is as much a problem of needs and communication as it is one of sex. Sex just happens to be the manifestation of something else.
If she does turn out to be asexual, that’s not the end of a marriage either. Allosexual and asexual people often live very happy relationships. But those relationships only work when scaffolded by a great deal of honest communication and compromise. Some people open their marriages up so the allosexual person can find intimacy elsewhere. Sometimes, everyone clicks into a rhythm that doesn’t need sex because the rest of the relationship works so well. Everyone’s story is different, but you’ve already got a better starting point than the average /r/DeadBedrooms user. Namely that you have a robust friendship with her and care deeply for each other. And things haven’t turned to simmering resentment yet.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
