My Kink Is Humiliation, But I’m Too Ashamed to Try It

Dirty talk confuses me. Actually, kink in general confuses me.

I know I’m a top and I get turned on by humiliation play because that’s what I fantasize about when it’s just me and my Rabbit. But when I’m with an actual woman I just… I can’t dehumanize her! I can’t tell her to be a B**** and take in the A** ! I respect her and even if it’s “playing”, well I also would mean it in that moment and that makes me feel terrible. So terrible I’ve never tried.

How would I even face her eyes the next morning? How can I respect a girlfriend in real life if I totally (consensually) disrespect her in bed? How do people compartmentalize this? Do they snap out of it after their hormones calm down? Do they not feel a part of them is immoral?

I have so many desires I want to explore and yet I feel completely stuck. Like, I even watch gay porn instead of Flinta because if it’s men being rough with each other, I don’t feel like women are being brutalized, even if they’re willing. That’s probably super weird. Help?

Sincerely,
An ashamed top

Eva: Kinks are hard. I had an important relationship end because our kinks did not align. That said, I am still somewhat grateful to my ex because they taught me to explore. I was pretty ashamed of certain kinks, but by saying them out loud and even trying things that I later realized were not for me, I soon found my happy place. Dirty talk is by far one of my favorite kinks. Whether it’s me saying some wild shit or my partner, I love it. One big tip is to have an intentional conversation with your partner about your kinks. Put everything on the table. Talk to your partner (or partners) about what you like and about your potential fears. Hopefully your partner is receptive to what you have to say, and you both can slowly build up to a place of comfort in exploration. As far as compartmentalization goes, it’s usually easy to tell when someone is just saying things to spice up a moment versus when they actually have a problem with you. One of the biggest tells is what happens in the aftercare (i.e. how a partner takes care of another partner after sex which often involves meeting emotional needs). You seem like someone who approaches things with a lot of intention and sincerity. As long as you maintain that approach and continue to practice empathy, all should be well.

Also it’s not weird to get off on men being rough with each other as opposed to women. In this Western world, we’ve grown accustomed to seeing men roughhouse and too much of the porn we see women and everyone else engaged in can be pretty intense. You like what you like!

Ashni: Oh, ashamed top, please be gentle with yourself! You mentioned that you’d feel terrible about humiliating a partner because you’d “mean” the words in the moment. That’s okay! You’re describing a consensual power exchange between two adults, which means the person you’re humiliating literally wants this to happen! I wanna second Eva’s rec to talk to your partner(s) ahead of time, so that you’re on the same page about what words are and aren’t okay LONG BEFORE they’re used in the bedroom. FWIW since you mention other desires you want to explore, if you’re having a tough time naming them / identifying them, there are a bunch of worksheets you can do with a partner where you circle things you’re interested in, want to do more of, want to receive more of, have hard limits around, etc. Also, establish safe words and hard limits and make sure there’s ample trust on both sides. You mentioned respect in your question. Respecting the boundaries y’all establish together is one of the many ways respect can show up here.

Summer: Much of the time, the biggest draw of kink is doing things we wouldn’t do IRL. The foundation of fantasy is separating fiction from reality. That is the compartmentalization required of you. If you know how to separate fiction for reality, you have the skills to separate kinky humiliation from ill-intended degradation. When everyone involved is a consenting adult who understands the risks involved, the compartmentalization is already being established. The process of discussing the kink and planning for all outcomes are the steps you would take to separate fiction from reality. Because if this were intended to harm, there’d be no preparation or discussion of aftercare.

Beyond that, I have to explore these feelings a lot since I’m into some pretty heavy stuff. The enduring argument that has always assuaged me is that there’s nothing more feminist than being fucked the way you want. If your partners are into it (see: enthusiastically consenting), there’s nothing earnestly degrading or humiliating about the act. In fact, it becomes an exercise of agency to craft this fantasy and share it with others. That’s only possible to do in an environment that respects everyone’s power and agency.

What you’re feeling isn’t super weird. The feeling of how good something ‘wrong’ feels is foundational to many kinks. Everyone develops their own ways to meet their needs and I hope you find yours.

How do you pick a new hairstyle? My hair is plain jane shoulder length and my natural color, but I’m wanting to be different this year. The problem is I don’t know what would look good on me or how to figure that out. I’m seeing a lot about face shapes and which hair colors look best on what skin tones/color seasons, which is overwhelming because I’ve never put this much thought into my hair before. I like the look of bangs on other people but I don’t know about how I think they’d look on me. How do people pick big-change hairstyles!

Summer: If you have a hairdresser you regularly go to and trust, this is time for them. Did you know it’s possible that many hairdressers allow clients to phone in and make a consultation appointment without committing to a cut? If your favorite hairdresser (or local well-reviewed place) allows this, that’s your chance. Bring photos of what inspires you. Bring your research. Bring your hair (preferably on a day in between washes). Bring your library of personal knowledge about how your hair behaves after and without washing. And the knowledge about your face shape, and tolerance for care, and budgetary constraints. A good hairdresser will be able to take you through recommendations. A great one will be able to reassure you and help you narrow it down to a few good ideas.

Yes, be prepared to pay for their time. But it’s far better to get it done once and correctly than be stuck with hair you dislike. There’s no wasted money here if you learn something useful, but there’s plenty to be wasted in buying new products, routines, and a haircut that screws you over.

Kayla: Yes, I agree with Summer that this is all about trusting your hairdresser. I trust a hairdresser to choose a cut/style for me more than I trust MYSELF, especially if they’re queer. If you don’t currently have one you love, think of friends you have who have hairstyles that really suit them (they don’t have to be the exact same cut you would want, but someone whose cut is totally true to who they are) and ask where they go. I am VERY PARTICULAR about my hairdresser and ask around a LOT when I move to a new city (I try to find someone queer, but my main requirement is someone who specializes in cutting curly hair). I would stick only to hairdressers who offer the consultation appointments Summer mentioned. I’ve found those consultations SO helpful when vetting. And then, yeah, a great hairdresser is gonna be able to tell you what will look great on you!

Ashni: Oh, I love this question! As someone who recently got both bangs and lavender hair, I gotta say I strongly agree with Summer and Kayla. I have a queer stylist who I trust implicitly, and I leaned on him heavily during both hair changes. Hair stylists spend their entire day jobs thinking about what’s going to look good on clients!! They’re artists and they know what they’re doing, so if you have one you trust, this is their time. Also, since you’re considering bangs, I say go for it! They’ll grow out so fast if you don’t like them, and your stylist can work with you to find the right style and shape of bang for your face / vibe. Also, I found Pinterest v useful when thinking about hair color and skin tone!

Nico: Start paying attention. What hairstyles do you gravitate toward on others? Which ones do you admire but feel would never suit you. Which ones do you think you might like if you dared to branch out? As for color, generally you want to go with something that matches your coloring overall. Try holding up color swatches to your face to get an idea. For some looks, though, it’s more about having the confidence and other aesthetic choices to pull it off, even if the color is not necessarily one that “suits” you. AND hair grows back or can be adjusted. Don’t like a color? Just re-dye it. I don’t know that this attitude necessarily works if you’re paying for a hairdresser to do everything as opposed to having some DIY elements, but a good hairdresser will talk to you and walk you through options that you’ll hopefully be happy with — and help you correct anything you don’t like.

Valerie: My advice is JUST DO IT. Like it’s been mentioned here, hair grows. If you really want to try a hairstyle, go for it. I got a side-shave undercut on my 30th birthday even though I had no idea how it would look on me or if I had a funny-shaped head under my hair but I did it anyway and I have no regrets. Even though in some of the photos looking back, I definitely cut some of the touch-ups way too close, I don’t even care, I loved that I tried it and I loved the way it felt. Same with dying my hair. One day I decided to stop waiting to find the right moment or save up for the right hairstylist and I bought a Manic Panic lightening kit and purple hair dye and went for it and I haven’t stopped dying my hair random bright colors since. Of course, if you can afford it, a hairdresser consultation will definitely help guide you if you truly can’t choose, like everyone else has mentioned. But if there’s something you really want to try and the ONLY thing holding you back is whether you have the “right” face shape or coloring for it…I say the only way to truly know is try.