My sister-in-law has decided that me and my girlfriend should sleep in separate rooms?!
Q:
I have a big family and every year we plan some kind of big family summer trip and different families take turns planning. My absolute worst sister-in-law from hellllllll is planning this year’s trip (MAGA megachurch vibes, don’t get me started on what she’s done to my brother’s personality) and she got a massive airbnb thing and also sent us all, these invites? (graphic design is her passion) ……these full itineraries which included information on where we’d be staying, which room, and so forth. I noticed that I’d been assigned a room with my sister and her daughter and meanwhile my girlfriend was in a different room in a bunk bed. My sister told me we could switch, problem solved, right? Nope!
I kept thinking about it and getting more and more annoyed with my SIL. My girlfriend is the most agreeable person in the world, she will go along with anything and is excited for the beach. She would probably sleep outside on a rock and pretend to be straight if I asked her to just to keep the peace. Then after 3 drinks I called my SIL to confront her about this and she said she just thought it would be more appropriate for us to sleep in separate rooms, that there will be children present, and that this is her year to plan the trip and because of that she is allowed to do what makes her feel comfortable. I got really mad and said we would not be coming at all.
Word got out. This upset my brother. Then my Mom got involved. But instead of volunteering to cuss out my SIL (she says she has to ‘pick her battles’ with the SIL and this year the battle is mr donald trump), she said she would buy for us to stay in a nearby hotel, and then we could still go to the same beach and have meals together. I did not agree to this, although my girlfriend says I should. I said we could go on a different trip, go visit friends upstate, since we already asked for the time off. Now it feels like every day another family member announces that they are mad at me. I don’t know, am I being a jerk to not want to go on this trip anymore? I do love my family and want to spend time with them, but I just want someone to stand up for me!
Em: WTF separate beds?! I’m upset for you! You have every right to be mad! My petty ass would volunteer to plan the next trip and place your SIL and brother in separate beds, but that isn’t really going to help anyone in this situation, especially right now. I understand picking your battles, but this seems like basic common sense (and respect???) to keep couples together at least in the same room. I think you have every right not to want to go on the trip. If your SIL is saying she’s uncomfortable with you and your partner in the same bed, that’s basically implying she’s uncomfortable with who both of you are. Why would you want to show up and hang out in an environment like this?
I understand wanting to spend time with the rest of your family who love and support you. However, they should stand up for you! If they really disagreed with your SIL then they would make their stances clear (by maybe, idk, not going on the trip either?). I get the sense that many of your relatives walk on eggshells around your SIL, and this probably creates an icky, tense environment for all family functions. Families are complicated, and I’m sure there are many more layers than just “go” or “don’t go.” If you go, you’re allowed to have boundaries and define what works for you. Maybe the priority right now is cultivating those other family relationships. That’s important, too. Whatever you decide, you’re justified, and you’re allowed to feel the way you do!
Summer: Your sister-in-law sounds like Hell on Earth. My condolences for your misbegotten and undesirable connection to her.
So first-off, I think your SIL is a homophobic shitbird who is using her authority over trip planning to separate you from your loved one. That’s inappropriate and frankly indefensible. Although I question if it was useful to be inebriated when confronting her, I don’t fault you for doing it and aggressively taking a stand against her behavior.
I think that your brother and mother’s behavior are more than a little bit reprehensible. Every day I’ve lived, I’ve had to live with the difficulty of needing to look out for my family over difficult and sometimes disagreeable opinions. But they are your immediate family and this is not a matter of disagreeable opinion. It’s literally about an intentional effort to deprive you of your access to your loved ones on an (unfairly) discriminatory basis. Your SIL is the planning authority. Choosing to not take your side is siding with your SIL’s default status quo, which is homophobia and assorted shitstain-ery.
Your mother’s choice to decline this ‘battle’ is her right. She’s allowed to conserve her argumentative energy around terrible relatives. However, this decision places her interest in minimizing drama ahead of your interest in being with your family and confronting a pustulent nightmare person. If she doesn’t know the effect her decision has on your psyche, she should know. Perhaps understanding the gravity of what you’re experiencing would convince her.
I… don’t think there is a single decision here that’s the ‘right call’. None that I can see. Given the size of this conflict, every decision you take is a compromise. You can join the trip in a separate accommodation to take a stand against your SIL’s nonsense. But that compromise is made against your well-being, since the situation has escalated already. You’d have to weigh such a decision against how the rest of the large family dynamic and holiday dynamic might play out. Alternatively, not going on this trip is likely to upset many more people, including those who would normally be on your ‘side’. It would definitely benefit your short-term well-being, with potential costs to your long term relationships.
I realize your girlfriend is an intensely agreeable and peaceable person. However, I think a gentle but serious conversation with her is warranted. I think you two should discuss why she’d remain so agreeable in a situation where she and her loved one are facing active and direct discrimination. And why she wouldn’t want to have your back when this is clearly taking a toll on you. I don’t think her intentions and actions are malicious, but your SIL is not the good guy here.
Kayla: Everyone has given really great thorough and nuanced advice here, so I’m just gonna keep it succinct: I don’t think you should go on the trip! I don’t think anything can counter the discomfort and hurt at this point, and even though it should be on your SIL to make a compromise or sacrifice, that’s not gonna happen, so you have to choose you and opt out. It fucking sucks, but use that vacation time to do literally anything else other than be around this woman.
Riese: First of all, your sister-in-law sucks, I wish nothing but the worst to her, and somebody should stand up for you. Secondly, I think a piece of me remains a damaged relic of an earlier era because my first instinct was like, “Well, maybe just stay in the hotel so you can still see your family members who don’t suck? And then your Mom is paying for you to stay at a hotel (which she owes you for not sticking up for you) so that’s a win?” but now I am reading everyone else’s answers and really having a moment between myself and G-d and now I am like WELLLLL ACTUALLY FUCK THIS TRIP
Laneia: The part that’s really standing out to me here is “this is her year to plan the trip and because of that she is allowed to do what makes her feel comfortable.” Like excuse me but is that what that means?? Is it her birthday party or is it your family’s vacation? Might be a fun time to get clarification from everyone who isn’t standing up for you on where their concerns for your sister-in-law’s ‘comfort’ ends and your basic humanity gets to begin! I can’t even tell you how happily I would go on this trip with my family, sleep in the same room as my girlfriend, and have a wonderful fucking time doing whatever I wanted with zero regard for what this self-centered interloper thought about it, but I wouldn’t blame you a bit for protecting your own peace by visiting friends upstate! Also I hope your SIL gets a parking ticket.
Once and for all: are we closing the blinds or not?
Q:
Settle this for me and my partner: I think if we are watching TV while it’s still light out we should close the blinds so there is no glare. They think the glare is not a big deal and we can see just fine and that I only want to close the blinds because I hate the sun. (I do a little bit but I swear that’s not why!!!) What’s your take?
Drew: I don’t know your financial situation, but if you can afford a new TV, there are absolutely TVs that work to cut down glare. So that’s the rich person solution. The other option is less fun and it requires communication (ugh) and compromise (ew). Look, I am with you! My girlfriend loves light, I love an ideal movie experience. Ultimately, we switch off. What are we watching? How important is it to me? Enough to need less glare? What kind of day is my girlfriend having? Does she need to soak up the sun like Sheryl Crow or a houseplant? It’s a case-by-case basis and we make it work!
Riese: I agree with you that the blinds should be closed while watching a TV show! Maybe that means the TV shouldn’t be in the room of the house that your partner relies on for enjoying the sunshine, but that might not be possible —and yes, if you have the means, I will second Drew’s suggestion of the brighter screened TV.
Em: I agree with Drew and Riese. The blinds should most definitely be closed. If it’s only slightly affecting the screen, maybe you could negotiate something, but overall if it’s becoming a hot topic among you two I would suggest moving the TV altogether.
Summer: My girlfriend and I both prefer watching shows in low light settings. We close curtains, switch off (unneeded) lights and turn off our keyboard backlights. It gives a more ‘movie theater’ feel that makes it easier to pay attention to the TV itself. It also reduces distractions from the outside or visual clutter. That’s how we prefer it because we can both be quite light sensitive.
If there is actual glare on the screen, we adjust the lighting environment immediately. Glare actively impedes a person’s ability to see what’s happening on screen, which completely detracts from the experience of watching a screen. Different people are more sensitive to different viewing environments and interruptions and it’s important to accommodate these sensitivities so that everyone may have an enjoyable experience. If there’s glare involved, we always adjust so that everyone can see the screen unless there is a very good reason to not do it. Like… I have a disability or profound phobia-grade good reason.
Valerie: Chiming in to agree that glare is the worst and it does, in fact, ruin a viewing experience for me. Everyone else has provided really great solutions but I just wanted to validate that “we can see just fine” isn’t something your partner can decide for you! Even when I CAN technically see everything important that’s going on through a glare, it’s distracting and I hate it and I don’t consider it seeing “just fine.” PS. Hating the sun is also valid.
Kayla: I guess I’m wondering why your partner is so opposed lol? If they want sun, it seems like they can…go outside? Open the blinds when not watching TV? Is there a concrete reason they want the blinds open? Or are they just digging their heels in about it because there’s something else going on here lol?
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I agree glare sucks and must be avoided but I’m gonna stick up to an extent for the sun lover. I dislike watching stuff when the sun is out because I cannot bear to shut the blinds against its lovely mental-health beneficial rays. I find this sacrilegious. So it’s either watching at night time or on a grey rainy day. If you are watching something in the day and the screen is in a lovely sun-filled room….time it move it elsewhere else if that’s an option?
Everyone has to make the choice that’s right for them, but I wouldn’t go on that family trip. If family members are willing to accept the premise that queer relationships are inappropriate for kids to be around as a sound argument, that’s not going to be a fun trip. I fully support the question-asker in turning this crappy and disappointing dynamic into a fun trip for them and their girlfriend.
Q1. Oof LW I don’t want you to go on that trip. I’ve turned down going to family events for much less and do not care if they get mad. Be where you feel safe, validated and loved. If you do attend this family trip, rub your loving relationship all over her MAGA face.
Q2. There’s definitely a time during the daylight hours when blinds can stay open and still have optimal viewing 6am-10am lol. I love natural indoor lighting but not at the expense of TV viewing. That being said there’s no amount of sunlight indoors that’s going to provide enough Vitamin D to keep anyone healthy so like Kayla said maybe they can add a little outside time in between episodes/movies.
Oh, vacationer with homophobic SIL my heart breaks for you!
In case you need to hear it because your mom and brother aren’t saying it with how they’re responding: there’s nothing shameful about who you are!
The only shame is that there’s now someone in your family who operates from hate and fear. There’s something sticky under the surface there for her and it has nothing to do with you. Nothing!
It’s not your job to make people who are asleep in their lives awake. And I wonder if your brother and mother, despite their liberal leanings may have some excavation to do themselves in this arena. Avoiding one possible vote for Trump is a such a cop out, and a grossly codependent assumption that they can control the way she votes if they appease her in other ways. We all make our own choices.
So much love, my friend! Good luck!
#1, one thing I have learned from queer “elders” that I deeply appreciate is that sometimes it is easier and faster to just have the fight you need to have. In the long run, it’s not worth keeping the peace just to keep the peace. It prolongs the pain. Sometimes, the only way out is through.
What I mean by this is, your terrible SIL is not the relationship that’s important to you here. It’s not about her. It’s about your ability to feel comfortable, safe, and loved with your own loved ones. If your relationships with your parents, your brother, people who have actually been in your life for a longer time and theoretically care about you as your authentic self, not just you as a play-acting version of yourself, are truly important to you, now might be the time to fight FOR those relationships.
You should get to be mad at them. You should be able to ask for what you need, and have them not abandon you, y’know? That’s the test of whether these relationships can really hold you – whether your people are down to love when it’s hard, too, not just when you make it easy.
A conversation might sound like – “Hey mom/brother, I’m really hurt and really sad actually that you don’t see why SIL’s approach is so not ok. She’s belittling my relationship in a way that is really offensive, and she is telling me that who I am is inherently wrong. I don’t believe I’m wrong, and I really hope you don’t either, but seeing you just go along with SIL’s plan makes me feel like you might not really see me and love me for who I am either. I’d love to be spending time with you on this vacation, but I’m not participating in something that is actively making a statement about queerness not being ok. We won’t be attending this trip and I hope you can see why.”
Then THEY have to reckon with what they are going to do. Are they going to speak up? Are they going to go along (and hopefully feel awful about it every time they wish you were at the beach / at dinner / enjoying the trip with everyone else)? Because there’s really no neutral ground here, and pretending like there is some isn’t fair to you (or your GF).
Totally understandable to feel the FOMO of having to skip out on this trip. BUT this might be the first of many, many more to come – either you rip the band-aid off now and help your family understand your boundaries and what YOU need to engage with the group, or you’re going to have to confront SIL finding new ways to make you feel uncomfortable with your own family again and again and again on future trips. My advice would be don’t wait.
(And FWIW this isn’t about your girlfriend’s easy-going-ness at all. This is entirely about your relationship with your loved ones. Without figuring that part out, your GF/anyone you might date in the future is just not gonna have a great time around your family, period.)
This is a great comment! It sounds like the relationship with your SIL doesn’t matter nearly as much as your relationship with your mom and brother does, so focus on that. Right now, it seems like in their minds the less-disruptive/painful thing is to go along with her and maintain the appearance of short-term peace. It doesn’t seem like they’re thinking about the long-term disruption or pain that’s causing, but based on the fact that it sounds like your relationships have been generally loving and supportive, they might be open to understanding it if you lay it out for them.