Then we return to the innermost ring of hell, otherwise known as a hotel room where This Man is spending private time with our daughter, Angie, and I do not approve! Angie fingers the condoms in her $4,256 Takashi Murakami x Louis Vuttion duffel bag, thinking about boning Hendrix Fitz, who’s distracted with reading-induced nerves. Angie takes this opportunity to deliver her handmade chapbook.
I was hiding underneath a weighted blanket for the rest of this scene but I believe what occurred is that Angie led this man to bed, and he asked if she was ready and she said she was ready. I’m sorry but …..
Back at Fletcher Field Day, Micah’s making an instant connection at the bar with Michael, who orders the same drink and says the same sentences at the same time as Micah! It’s clear that what Micah is seeing when he looks at Michael is a little cartoon of dancing sperm, radiating with the infinite promise of reproduction just like we learned about in health class.
And then Sophie arrives, dressed resplendently for the 1933 premiere of Christopher Strong starring Katharine Hepburn! Unfortunately she took a wrong turn in her time machine and landed at Fletcher Field Day instead but it works because this is a stunning revenge gown even if there’s nobody she needs to take out revenge on.
After receiving a drive-by compliment from Dharma, a hottie in a red pantsuit with a bisexual bob, she spots Dre. Dre says Sophie never told them that she worked at The Aloce Show, in fact she identified as a documentary filmmaker. Dre and Sophie’s magical weekend grows more intriguing by the minute!
Elswhere in this fine establishment, Dani’s located the queen of the night (Fletcher), who requests a big-ass margarita at the conclusion of her set.
Elsewhere, Micah’s convincing Maribel to give his big idea a shot: convincing a stranger he just met to give them his sperm!
Sophie and Dre have relocated to a party couch, where they’re catching up about Sophie’s transformational musical drug trip, which transitions into a convo about one of my favorite movie-musicals of all time, Newsies. It’s possible Dre is referring to the Broadway musical Newsies and not the unfortunately underrated 1992 movie Newsies, but I’ll take my Newsies references where I can get them.
Dre: “So did you learn the truth of the universe or what?”
Sophie: “No…. no, nothing like that, but I did break up with my girlfriend afterwards… so.”
Dre: “Oh man, I’m sorry.”
Sophie: “No, it’s okay, it needed to happen. I should have texted you back.”
Sophie — no you should not have texted Dre back while you were lying in bed next to your girlfriend Finley on the day she returned from rehab!
Sophie leans in to kiss Dre, who rejects the advance, sending Sophie into an immediate shame spiral as Dre explains that they’re kinda into someone else right now. Sophie beelines for the bar and asks for a double tequila in a spirit that reminds me of (checks watch) my reaction to every single bad breakup I have ever endured! Luckily I’ve grown and changed. While Sophie awaits her liquid release from life’s slings and arrows, she can see Dani and Dre laughing and flirting across the room.
We then return to the Hollywood Bowl(ing Alley), where Finley is coping quite differently than Sophie in a way I find quite interesting! Anyhow Finley’s unloading her relationship issues onto Misty who quickly cuts her off, indicating she’s already intimately familiar with Finley’s entire life and problems via her close but not romantic conversations with Carrie.
And then Finley decides to make one small step for man, one giant overstep for mankind and advocate for Carrie, telling Misty that Carrie’s the best and can kill it on the dance floor and oh by the way, she’s totally into Misty. But while Misty agrees about Carrie’s greatness, she says Carrie’s just… not her type. I’m not sure what this means exactly — does she only date femmes? If so, Carrie would probably know that by now because people with very specific types tend to talk about their very specific types all the time — but before we can puzzle it out, we see that Carrie overheard the whole thing and is very embarrassed and also mad.
Back at The Aloce Show Office Headquarters, Tom’s located the source of the vent-centered noises: a small animal, specifically a little kitten, who has been living in the walls of this office like Grey Gardens. But before he can grab the innocent animal, she runs back into her vent home that she somehow entered in the first place.
Speaking of things running away before you can grab them, Alice asks if she and Tom missed their chance at love. She wonders if perhaps they ought to give it another whirl? So Tom has to tell her that he’s seeing someone else now, and she’s pregnant, so it’s serious. My Alice/Helena 2022 campaign headquarters will be opening next week in West Hollywood and yes we are looking for interns.
Cut to Hendrix Fitz’s literary reading, in which he is reading words so insufferable I have no choice but to scream until I can no longer hear them.
When this situation mercifully comes to an end, an agent from CAA approaches Hendrix and Hendrix introduces Angie as his student, which Angie, his student, finds very upsetting. I do too but for other reasons!
Back at Fletcher Field Day, Micah and Maribel are hitting it off like gangbusters with Michael, so much so that when they ask if he’d be interested in donating sperm to their pregnancy project, he says totally, he’d be honored! He’s just gotta check with the wife first.
Elsewhere in this fine establishment, Sophie’s absolutely trashed and after a winning solo session at the photobooth, she runs back into Dharma, the girl who’d complimented her dress earlier. Dharma re-iterates her compliment which Sophie says is nice but Dharma leans in, tickling Sophie’s hand with her own, and says she wasn’t just being nice.
We cut back to the Hollywood Bowl(ing Alley), where Finley’s trying to apologize for blowing up Carrie’s spot.
Lesbian Squabble #11: Strike Out
In the Ring: Finley vs Carrie
Content:
Finley fucked up the lasanga but she wanted to do something good and she got carried away. (Get it??)
“You don’t listen, Finley,” Carrie tells her. “I know I’m a particular kind of person. I’m a little quirky. I get it, I like what I like it. And you know what? I really liked coming here. It was enough for me. To be close to Misty for a couple hours, playing bowling which I suck at. But now forget it, it’s over, it’s done.”
Finley insists she can go fix it, and Carrie says she can’t, she just needs to stop it right now. Finley says okay, she gets it. Her face wilts into familiar resignation: she’s fucked up and Carrie’s gonna leave her now, too.
But then Carrie tells Finley to get her shoes, ’cause there’s needles and human feces in the parking lot, she can’t just run out there in her socks! And she’ll meet Finley in the car, okay? She turns to go, leaving Finley there stunned and warmed by Carrie’s unconditional kindness.
Who Wins? Finley, because finally she’s got someone in her life who’s in it for the long haul.
We then return to Hotel Impossible, where Angie’s trying to engage in a dialogue with her professor about being labeled as his student instead of his student/lover but he’s too distracted by this promising email from the CAA agent to give her the focus she requires until she gets a little cheeky with him. He says he’s sorry — he was just caught up in the moment and lost his head which brings us to…
Squabble #12: Got a Secret Can You Keep It
In the Ring: Angie vs. Hendrix
Content:
Hendrix: “But Angie…. you are my student,”
Angie: “We’ve been over that!”
Hendrix: “I know, and I keep trying to convince myself that it’s okay, but I think I’m lying to myself.”
Hendrix Fitz says Angie inspires him! He’s falling in love with her! Unfortunately he’s also her teacher, and he can’t really “see where this goes” as long as he remains her teacher. This is maybe the most sensible thing this man has ever said, but we’re eyeing a low bar here. He doesn’t say why he can’t do this while he’s her teacher — like, for example, that it’s unethical and could get him fired — instead they dance around it, focused on the garnishes and foregoing the meat. But honestly I’d eat parsley forever if it meant getting rid of this man.
Who Wins? Angie, ’cause she’s not dating this man anymore.
Things are heating up at Fletcher Field Day: Dre and Fletcher are hitting it off and doing shots together and Dre decides to up the homosexual ante and offer Fletcher an actual crystal.
Dani pulls Fletcher away — it’s performance time! Fletcher takes the stage, declares her first song’s going out to all of our exes and then breaks into, of course, “Becky’s So Hot,” the song Fletcher wrote about the new girlfriend of her ex-girlfriend, Shannon Beveridge.
