Welcome to the seventh recap of the third season of The L Word Generation Q, brought to you by the same network that brought you the original L Word, a show about girls in tight dresses who drag with mustaches.

Specifically this is a recap of Episode 307, “Little Boxes.”

When I was a senior in high school, my best friend Krista directed a play I wrote called “Familyland” — the story of a ’50s Levittown family coming gradually unglued following the arrival of an unexpected dinner guest — for that year’s One Act Festival. I still remember Krista playing me “Little Boxes” on her CD player, and me agreeing with her that indeed it was the perfect intro music for our show. It was also perfect for the next time it appeared in my life, which was when it served as the intro music for the Showtime comedy Weeds.

Anyhow! As you will see in this Episode 307 recap of The L Word: Generation Q, this television event was not about the one-act play I wrote in high school, nor was it about a suburban Mom selling marijuana in the wake of her husband’s death. Nor was it about little boxes. What, then pray tell, was it about? Well, the only way to find out is to either watch it, read this recap, or both!

A quick note of order before we proceed: I’m continuing to count Sexy Moments but I won’t be doing little segments for each one like I used to because honestly there is not that much to say about sex scenes that are under 30 seconds long! But if we get any long ones later in the season, I will give them an orderly paragraph of my time.


We open on a gorgeous, sunny day in Los Angeles, California, where Finley has recently fallen victim to some very incongruous writing choices that have left her very dumped. Thanks to Carmax, however, she’s got a vehicle to sit in while attempting to piece together a coping strategy that doesn’t involve drinking.

Finley upset in car
Fuck I should’ve grabbed the leftover beef lo mein I still had in the fridge

Finley’s trusty sponsor Tess ignores her call but Shane picks up — but upon learning Shane’s en route to Vegas with Tess for Tess’s Mom’s funeral, Finley decides to seek help elsewhere.

Finley at the door
Mom?
Carrie opening the door for Finley
Sure, honey, whatever you need.

Words cannot express how deeply I love this for both of them. Also I think my life would’ve turned out a lot better if I’d been able to just go live in Rosie O’Donnell’s house after a breakup instead of what I usually did instead. What did I do instead? I acted like Sophie’s gonna act all episode long! So without any further ado…


It’s Extra Long Morning Time at SoMiMar’s and there’s a lot happening: Micah’s running a solo Jamba Juice for his buddies, Sophie got her nipples pierced and is soothing the burn with packs of frozen peas, and Dani’s buzzing around, stoked for that evening’s Fletcher release party.

Sophie holding bags of frozen peas to her breasts
I told her I liked nipple play but I did not mean that I wanted her to bite my nipples so hard they bled for hours, you know?

Dani asks Sophie if it’d be weird for Dre to attend this episode’s Big Event (the Fletcher release party) and Sophie says it’s actually completely and totally chill absolutely 100% will not have any impact on her whatsoever at all.

Micah making a smoothie
Well, I add one cup frozen blueberries, 1/2 cup raw pepitas, 1 pitted date, 1 tablespoon hemp seeds, a cup of water, one ounce of beetle’s blood, the feather of a falcon and three tablespoons of Bette Porter’s tears

When pressed about her feelings regarding last week’s sudden breakup, Sophie declares herself “a little numb,” just like her boobs! Dani sneaks a peek at Sophie’s new nips and the exes-to-friends energy here with both of them and Micah is invigorating.


We then cut to the Aloce Show Emporium, where Alice has invited Tom for a comfortable conversation about their possibly destined romance, which he begins by running right into a glass door. Honestly Tom is such a delight, you know?

We learn quickly thereafter that Tom’s rejected marriage proposal to Alice took place on the top of the Eiffel Tower. Here are some ideas that seem less romantic but are not: getting down on one knee outside a gas station in the rain, hiding an engagement ring in a baked potato, standing on a car in city traffic demanding all nearby drivers to “honk in the name of love,” interrupting your active crying over your close friend’s death by saying “would you marry me” to your girlfriend who is gardening for some reason, performing a mash-up of “Hand in My Pocket” and “Feel the Earth Move” before asking your girlfriend to “mash up for life” with you. All of those ideas are better than this idea!

That said if anyone reading this proposed or was proposed to atop the Eiffel Tower I bet it was super cute!

Tom beaming
What if instead I’d proposed to you on the top of the Eiffel Tower replica they have at Kings Island in Ohio?
Alice wincing
I would’ve sooner said yes if you’d gotten down on one knee in the bathroom line at Barnes & Noble

Alice has got something she’s eager to chat with Tom about, but Tom cuts her right off with his assumption of what she wants to talk about — she’s obviously thinking about her next book and cannot do it without him!


Womp womp wompity womp off we go to California University, where Angie is looking delightfully dykey while discussing her upcoming romantic weekend with her professor who is also her boyfriend. Apparently he’ll be doing a reading out of town and Angie’s his special guest and Bella’s so excited for Angie to lose her V-Card and is insisting that Angie pack ten thousand condoms for this occasion.

Bella holding up a strip of tampons while Angie looks at her in disbelief
You know this kinda seems like when NASA sent a woman to space for six days and gave her 100 tampons

Angie feels super-ready to have sex with this man despite not having felt super-ready to have sex with Jordi when they dated for two years. Also she made this man a chapbook that he does not deserve. Also Bella asks “are you in love” and if Bette Porter could hear one word of this she would be at the Toronto Pearson International Airport in fifteen minutes.


We then return to Carrie’s Home for Wayward Finleys, where Finley’s just burnt a lasagna and, in the grand tradition of a person recently dumped for confusing reasons, is certain this means she’s an overall failure at life with zero skills.

Finley blowing at her burnt lasanga
OOFF this is the last time I try to make Shrinky Dinks without watching a YouTube instructional video first

Carrie, however, has no time for such self-defeatism! She embraces Finley and insists Finley sub in at her bowling match that evening. I love this for them!

Carrie talking to FInley
Listen, I burned three batches of Fimo beads in 1997 and it didn’t stop me from continuing to pursue arts and crafts
Finley pondering an offer
Okaayyyy fine I’ll try Shrinky Dinks again

This is incredibly realistic lesbian recreational league sports representation here with the desperate needing of a sub and the degrading of one’s own abilities when pitching said sub.


Back at The Aloce Show Offices, Tom’s still pitching book ideas, including the very promising concept of a tongue-in-cheek self-help book… or perhaps a cookbook? She could learn to cook and then make a book of recipes, easy peasy! Here, I made a mock-up for Alice’s self-help book:

Mock-up of Alice's book cover: Finding the One: How Doing Drugs With Your Co-Workers Will Unlock the Secret to Eternal Love!
Order your advance copy now, advance purchases are very important for authors

But then! Before Alice can effectively redirect the conversation, they both hear a noise coming from the wall and Alice is incredibly relieved that Tom hears what she hears: ghost cat!

Alice grabbing Tom by the shirt
What I THINK, Tom, is I think that Ellen DeGeneres sent a little ghost to spit in my face!!!

Alice: Oh my god, thank you! I’ve been telling Sophie there’s a cat in here and everyone’s like oh you’re going crazy and then a PA was like oh it’s a ghost and then we spent half a day looking for an eco-friendly ghost removal service.
Tom: How’d that go?
Alice: It was like Ghostbusters but they showed up in an old Prius. It was a scam. A ghost scam.

Although I’m still not rooting for Alice and Tom as endgame, they have such fantastic comedic chemistry I wish he was still on the show!


Back at SoMiMar’s, Maribel is sick of looking at sperm donors online and I agree and think she should instead be looking at designer sneakers she can’t afford online, like I do. Sophie saunters into the room like an impulsive queen, announcing her intention to get her hair done, which nope has nothing to do with seeing Dre tonight not at all!

Sophie looking suggestively behind her
Oh, I’m not the girl I was or used to be … bitch I might be better

Micah’s been begging Maribel to join him for the Fletcher Album Release Party and she’s been resisting his insistence… but now? Now she has no choice but to attend ’cause Sophie’s overall vibe is heading in an undoubtedly chaotic direction and well, you know how it is with sisters… Sisterhood is powerful.


It’s Fletcher Field Day time! Dre’s here and Dani’s stoked to see them ’cause there’s some people she wants Dre to meet for professional reasons, for example Fletcher and also Sophie Suarez, a producer for The Aloce Show who Dre once had several fingers inside.

Dani and Dre talking to each other at the Fletcher party
Personally I think it’s completely fine to fuck on the first date, yes/no?

But it’s also clear, as Dani fingers a smudge on Dre’s shirt and they attempt to speak to each other professionally, that there is something buzzing between them and that something is “sexual tension.”


We then get on our scooters and scoot on over to the Hollywood Bowl(ing Alley), where rec league night is thriving and reminding us all that masc lesbians look great in bowling shirts.

Finley holding a bowling ball while talking to Carrie
Why can’t I throw it like this I’ve been practicing my hook shot

When it’s Finley’s turn at the mound she hands Carrie her phone with its drafted text message to Sophie —

Carrie: [reading] Hi Soph hope you’re well [stops reading] No it’s not good, I’m deleting it.
Finley: What do you mean? You didn’t even get to the part where I apologized!
Carrie: It’s too soon Finley!

Everybody needs a butch lesbian Mom to erase their text messages for them, you know? And if not, they could just read this book:

How to Text Your Ex: a Step-by-Step guide to never texting your ex again!
Alternately you could read this article

Anyhow, Finley’s thrilled to discover she’s pretty good at bowling and shocked to discover that Carrie’s yet to ask Misty on a date.

Carrie: I’m sorry, you haven’t asked the plumber out yet?
Finley: She has a name, it’s Misty!

Misty doing a celebratory dance after her bowling win
SUPERSTAR!

Carrie’s happy with just being friends: she likes bowling, hanging out a little bit every week. It’s good enough for her. Unfortunately, it isn’t good enough for Finley, who tonight is playing the role of “precocious child in a rom-com who fears his father will never find love again.”


Then we return to the innermost ring of hell, otherwise known as a hotel room where This Man is spending private time with our daughter, Angie, and I do not approve! Angie fingers the condoms in her $4,256 Takashi Murakami x Louis Vuttion duffel bag, thinking about boning Hendrix Fitz, who’s distracted with reading-induced nerves. Angie takes this opportunity to deliver her handmade chapbook.

Angie looking at Hendirx
Did you know both of my Moms took a very rigorous self-defense class in 2008 and my Uncle Shane does MMA?
Hendrix looking at Angie
In fact I did not but now that I know I am alarmed

I was hiding underneath a weighted blanket for the rest of this scene but I believe what occurred is that Angie led this man to bed, and he asked if she was ready and she said she was ready. I’m sorry but …..

Bette screaming TINA!!!
come get ur girl

Back at Fletcher Field Day, Micah’s making an instant connection at the bar with Michael, who orders the same drink and says the same sentences at the same time as Micah! It’s clear that what Micah is seeing when he looks at Michael is a little cartoon of dancing sperm, radiating with the infinite promise of reproduction just like we learned about in health class.

Micah and Michael pointing at each other
Wait, are you the “Michael” ahead of me in line on Libby for The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo???

And then Sophie arrives, dressed resplendently for the 1933 premiere of Christopher Strong starring Katharine Hepburn! Unfortunately she took a wrong turn in her time machine and landed at Fletcher Field Day instead but it works because this is a stunning revenge gown even if there’s nobody she needs to take out revenge on.

Sophie looking fabulous in her dress
Oh this old thing? It’s an Elsa Schiaparelli original, darling, thank you for asking

After receiving a drive-by compliment from Dharma, a hottie in a red pantsuit with a bisexual bob, she spots Dre. Dre says Sophie never told them that she worked at The Aloce Show, in fact she identified as a documentary filmmaker. Dre and Sophie’s magical weekend grows more intriguing by the minute!

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Elswhere in this fine establishment, Dani’s located the queen of the night (Fletcher), who requests a big-ass margarita at the conclusion of her set.

Dani walking Fletcher down the stairs
Oh, the biggest fish I ever caught? Probably pacific blue marlin, came in around 20 pounds

Elsewhere, Micah’s convincing Maribel to give his big idea a shot: convincing a stranger he just met to give them his sperm!

Micah talking to Maribel
You know in the first season of the original series Bette and Tina just seduced a guy for what he thought was a threesome but was actually a sperm-acquisition mission and nobody thought that was weird
Maribel talking to Micah
No Micah definitely everybody did think that was weird

Sophie and Dre have relocated to a party couch, where they’re catching up about Sophie’s transformational musical drug trip, which transitions into a convo about one of my favorite movie-musicals of all time, Newsies. It’s possible Dre is referring to the Broadway musical Newsies and not the unfortunately underrated 1992 movie Newsies, but I’ll take my Newsies references where I can get them.

Dre: “So did you learn the truth of the universe or what?”
Sophie: “No…. no, nothing like that, but I did break up with my girlfriend afterwards… so.”
Dre: “Oh man, I’m sorry.”
Sophie: “No, it’s okay, it needed to happen. I should have texted you back.”

Sophie — no you should not have texted Dre back while you were lying in bed next to your girlfriend Finley on the day she returned from rehab!

Sophie talking to Dre
So that “🌈” after the “u up”… what was that about?

Dre talking to Sophie

Sophie leans in to kiss Dre, who rejects the advance, sending Sophie into an immediate shame spiral as Dre explains that they’re kinda into someone else right now. Sophie beelines for the bar and asks for a double tequila in a spirit that reminds me of (checks watch) my reaction to every single bad breakup I have ever endured! Luckily I’ve grown and changed. While Sophie awaits her liquid release from life’s slings and arrows, she can see Dani and Dre laughing and flirting across the room.

Sophie takes a drink
Mmmm this tastes like arsenic and old lace

We then return to the Hollywood Bowl(ing Alley), where Finley is coping quite differently than Sophie in a way I find quite interesting!  Anyhow Finley’s unloading her relationship issues onto Misty who quickly cuts her off, indicating she’s already intimately familiar with Finley’s entire life and problems via her close but not romantic conversations with Carrie.

Finley with her arm around Misty pointing behind her with her thumb
Between me and you I know a guy who’ll let us take these shoes home for free in exchange for a Benihana gift card

And then Finley decides to make one small step for man, one giant overstep for mankind and advocate for Carrie, telling Misty that Carrie’s the best and can kill it on the dance floor and oh by the way, she’s totally into Misty. But while Misty agrees about Carrie’s greatness, she says Carrie’s just… not her type. I’m not sure what this means exactly — does she only date femmes? If so, Carrie would probably know that by now because people with very specific types tend to talk about their very specific types all the time — but before we can puzzle it out, we see that Carrie overheard the whole thing and is very embarrassed and also mad.


Back at The Aloce Show Office Headquarters, Tom’s located the source of the vent-centered noises: a small animal, specifically a little kitten, who has been living in the walls of this office like Grey Gardens. But before he can grab the innocent animal, she runs back into her vent home that she somehow entered in the first place.

Tom holding the vent looking back at Alice
Be careful, the last time I opened one of these vents in a lesbian’s office I found a kilo of patchouli, two indica pre-rolls, a healing crystal and an expired carton of oat milk

Speaking of things running away before you can grab them, Alice asks if she and Tom missed their chance at love. She wonders if perhaps they ought to give it another whirl? So Tom has to tell her that he’s seeing someone else now, and she’s pregnant, so it’s serious. My Alice/Helena 2022 campaign headquarters will be opening next week in West Hollywood and yes we are looking for interns.


Cut to Hendrix Fitz’s literary reading, in which he is reading words so insufferable I have no choice but to scream until I can no longer hear them.

Hendrix reading
“About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him — and I didn’t know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my blood.”
Angie listening to the reading
This is so romantic

When this situation mercifully comes to an end, an agent from CAA approaches Hendrix and Hendrix introduces Angie as his student, which Angie, his student, finds very upsetting. I do too but for other reasons!


Back at Fletcher Field Day, Micah and Maribel are hitting it off like gangbusters with Michael, so much so that when they ask if he’d be interested in donating sperm to their pregnancy project, he says totally, he’d be honored! He’s just gotta check with the wife first.

Michael talking to Micah and Maribel
How’s this for a funny coincidence: I LOVE to wear button-up shirts
Maribel and Micah talking at the party
Omg Micah loves button-up shirts too!

Elsewhere in this fine establishment, Sophie’s absolutely trashed and after a winning solo session at the photobooth, she runs back into Dharma, the girl who’d complimented her dress earlier. Dharma re-iterates her compliment which Sophie says is nice but Dharma leans in, tickling Sophie’s hand with her own, and says she wasn’t just being nice.

Sophie and the random girl talking
I do have a green velvet couch actually why do you ask

We cut back to the Hollywood Bowl(ing Alley), where Finley’s trying to apologize for blowing up Carrie’s spot.

Finley vs Carrie

Lesbian Squabble #11: Strike Out
In the Ring: Finley vs Carrie
Content:

Finley fucked up the lasanga but she wanted to do something good and she got carried away. (Get it??)

“You don’t listen, Finley,” Carrie tells her. “I know I’m a particular kind of person. I’m a little quirky. I get it, I like what I like it. And you know what? I really liked coming here. It was enough for me. To be close to Misty for a couple hours, playing bowling which I suck at. But now forget it, it’s over, it’s done.”

Finley insists she can go fix it, and Carrie says she can’t, she just needs to stop it right now. Finley says okay, she gets it. Her face wilts into familiar resignation: she’s fucked up and Carrie’s gonna leave her now, too.

But then Carrie tells Finley to get her shoes, ’cause there’s needles and human feces in the parking lot, she can’t just run out there in her socks! And she’ll meet Finley in the car, okay? She turns to go, leaving Finley there stunned and warmed by Carrie’s unconditional kindness.

Who Wins? Finley, because finally she’s got someone in her life who’s in it for the long haul.


We then return to Hotel Impossible, where Angie’s trying to engage in a dialogue with her professor about being labeled as his student instead of his student/lover but he’s too distracted by this promising email from the CAA agent to give her the focus she requires until she gets a little cheeky with him. He says he’s sorry — he was just caught up in the moment and lost his head which brings us to…

Angie vs Hendrix

Squabble #12: Got a Secret Can You Keep It
In the Ring: Angie vs. Hendrix
Content:

Hendrix: “But Angie…. you are my student,”
Angie: “We’ve been over that!”
Hendrix: “I know, and I keep trying to convince myself that it’s okay, but I think I’m lying to myself.”

Hendrix Fitz says Angie inspires him! He’s falling in love with her! Unfortunately he’s also her teacher, and he can’t really “see where this goes” as long as he remains her teacher. This is maybe the most sensible thing this man has ever said, but we’re eyeing a low bar here. He doesn’t say why he can’t do this while he’s her teacher — like, for example, that it’s unethical and could get him fired — instead they dance around it, focused on the garnishes and foregoing the meat. But honestly I’d eat parsley forever if it meant getting rid of this man.

Who Wins? Angie, ’cause she’s not dating this man anymore.


Things are heating up at Fletcher Field Day: Dre and Fletcher are hitting it off and doing shots together and Dre decides to up the homosexual ante and offer Fletcher an actual crystal.

Fletcher talking to Dre
Omg is this a smoky quartz raw cluster
Dre talking to Fletcher
How did you know???

Dani pulls Fletcher away — it’s performance time! Fletcher takes the stage, declares her first song’s going out to all of our exes and then breaks into, of course, “Becky’s So Hot,” the song Fletcher wrote about the new girlfriend of her ex-girlfriend, Shannon Beveridge.

Fletcher singing
🎵 When I think about her I touch myself 🎵

Out by the pool, Sophie and Dharma are dancing like everybody’s drinking and nobody’s watching… and then they’re making out… and then SURPRISE!!! It turns out that Dharma is Michael’s wife and apparently she thought it would be okay to make out with a stranger at a small party she’s attending with her husband despite seemingly not being in an open relationship.

Sophie confused, bangs girl clutching her chest, Micheal is mad
Absolutely not they cannot take your sperm, your sperm is ALL MINE and FOR ME

In the ensuing scuffle, our dear Sophie ends up a victim of both drama and gravity’s restless arm — she falls right into that swimming pool.

Sophie in the pool
Oooo this water is REFRESHING!
Dani reaching over the pool's edge
Ok come on Little Mermaid time to be a part of our world

It appears Sophie managed to snag an advance copy of Alice’s new book!

Time to Move On: How Reckless Decisions and Multi-Day Benders Can Create so Much Drama You'll Forget About Your Breakup


We then return to The Aloce Show Offices, where Tom’s still on vent duty and Alice is still questioning the outcome of their relationship and if perchance she pushed him away too soon? I truly don’t think Alice… ever pushes people away! She seems actually more comfortable with intimacy and sharing a life with someone than most of her peers. And Tom wanting marriage and kids and Alice not wanting those things doesn’t mean she pushed him away, it just means it wasn’t a good match.

Tom looking back at Alice from the vent
Alice I think the cat has my finger
Alice looking pensive
Well now you know what lesbian sex is like

Tom asks Alice about the girl she dated after Dana — maybe she could be the one? After reminding us that she kissed Lara (in fact she also did have sex with Lara, a scenario everybody hated except for me and Kayla), she brings up Tasha.

Backstory time! So Alice says their relationship ended after many years ’cause Tasha was too intimidated by the success of Alice’s GLAAD Award-Winning podcast The Chart — the home of some of our community’s most treasured episodes of video entertainment, like “teaching lesbian slang to California University Dean Phyllis Kroll,” “outing a closeted basketball player” and “apologizing to Max.”

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However, Alice claims that Tasha ghosted her at the end of their relationship. Which — if it pleases the court! — I’d like to suggest is impossible when you are living with your girlfriend of many years? How do you ghost your roommate? Like you move out in the dead of night and never see or speak to them again… in Los Angeles? ‘Cause you’re intimidated by the success of their podcast? I definitely can see Tasha setting firm post-breakup boundaries but … ghosting? What? Anyhow, here’s hoping that was simply a poor choice of words and Tasha will return to the program and reveal that she’s still in love with Alice and also decided not to be a cop after all!

Anyhow, great news!!! Tom got the kitten out of the vent!

Alice cradling the kitten
You’re going to be such a cute babe magnet for 50% of the lesbians in this town and such an active allergen for the other 50%!!

Tom suggests they take the kitten to a shelter but I think we all know a much better plan…

Keep the Kitten: How I gave up on dating and channelled all my energy into a small animal who will never leave me


Outside the Fletcher Field Day venue, Dani’s ordered Sophie a car to get her the hell out of dodge and back home for some cold water and six ibuprofen. Sophie apologizes for kissing Dre, explaining that something happens to her when she’s around them and, well, Dani can relate.

Sophie drying herself off
Ughhh but I’m really craving Wendy’s right now
Dani talking to Sophie firmly
Last time you mixed spicy chicken nuggets with ten shots of straight tequila you were on the floor of the bathroom all night long!
Sophie clutching her towel
Fine I’ll have a rice cake

As Sophie gets into her vehicle she gives Dani her blessing to go for Dre — she needs to be alone for a while, anyhow. Thank Goddess!

Back inside the venue, Dani delivers Fletcher her overdue margarita.

Dani passing a marg to Fletcher
Okay without opening my eyes, I’m gonna guess it’s a half-full margarita glass with fully melted ice???

She apologizes for the delay:

Dani: I am so so sorry, that was incredibly unprofessional of me, my ex kissed two people she shouldn’t have and then fell into the pool.
Fletcher: Honestly? It’s the kind of sapphic chaos I live for.

Fletcher talking to Dani
What do you think of “Dre’s So Hot” for my next album

“Messy is way better, in my opinion,” Fletcher tells Dani before thanking her for a wonderful evening on the set of The L Word: Generation Q.


Back at Carrie’s House For Wayward Finleys, Carrie’s just about ready to quit Wordle and Finley’s just about ready for dinner, having successfully prepared a lasagna! The way Carrie affirms Finley’s small achievements is so subtle but also so parental and loving and it feels like it’s maybe the thing Finley’s really been missing all this time and if they rip it away from her for any reason I am going to light my television set on fire.

Finley and Carrie in the kitchen with the lasanga between them
You know it turns out the key was just setting the oven at the temperature indicated in the recipe

But then the doorbell rings! And who’s at the door????

Misty talking to Carrie on the doorstep
Hey so I gave it some thought and I realized you’re basically like the best character on this show and I think I could really add a lot to your storyline

It’s Misty! She’s here to deliver Carrie’s bowling bag but immediately admits the bowling bag handoff is really just an excuse —

Misty: I like you.
Carrie: Wait, could you uh.. .just say that again?
Misty: Yes, I can. I really do like you, Carrie. And I’m sorry, I guess I’m not like; used to being chased or something.
Carrie: “Chased” is funny because you know I don’t run.

Carrie invites her in, and the way she says “the kid made a lasanga, it’s pretty amazing, you hungry?” just warmed my heart so hard!


We then mosey on back to California University, where Angie’s returning to her dorm with two pieces of news: firstly, she did apparently have sex with that man! Secondly, he broke up with her.

Angie and Bella hug
It’s okay, everybody hated him

Angie cries in Bella’s arms and I thought to myself… wait… are they gonna hook up now? Anyhow, they didn’t, so.


It’s nighttime now and all our friends are tucking themselves into bed with their new revelations and personalities.

At Chez Alice, Alice is getting into bed with her new soulmate, a tiny kitten, whomst she is not sure if she should name Mr Piddles Jr or Mr Piddles 2.

Alice holding kitten to her face
We’d look really cute in matching hoodies don’t you think?

At Carrie’s House for Wayward Finleys, Finley’s done a quick turnover of the dining room’s best two-top, creating a romantic evening for Carrie and Misty to enjoy together. And so they sit down, and they cheers, and they kiss!

Misty and Carrie cheersing
To butch-on-butch love!

Back at SoMiMar’s… in one room, Micah and Maribel are having our 5th Sexy Moment of post-9pm strap-on sex which begins with a truly delightful shot of Micah’s ass in a harness…

Micah and Maribel hooking up

… and in the next room, Sophie is icing her boobs while reminding her sister that she can indeed hear them bone! Furthermore, she’s applying for a some kind of documentary filmmaking lab because she’s ready to make her dreams a reality.

Sophie on her computer with peas on her boobs
MARI DO YOU REMEMBER MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER

Back at Carrie’s, Finley is in what appears to be her very own little room, phone in hand, about to make a mistake she would not have made if she’d read Alice Pieszecki’s tongue-in-cheek self help book:

How to Text Your Ex: a Step-by-Step guide to never texting your ex again!

Alas, she didn’t read the book and therefore begins to engage in the ancient lesbian mating ritual of texting her ex:

Step One: Stare at the text you have been crafting, drafting and re-writing all day:

Finley looking at phone

Step Two: Delete the text wall you’d initially composed and replace it with “thinking of you,” thus feeling satisfied that you have indeed exercised restraint in your Ex-Texting Process, because compared to the text you were going to send, this is practically not a text at all!

Finley's text "thinking of you"

Step Three: The reality sets in in which you can no longer imagine your ex could potentially also be thinking of you as well because now the potential exists for your ex to write back or not write back, thus cluing you in to a truth of their current existence that might be worse than your prior ignorance which, as they so often say, is bliss.

Finley lying down

Step Four: Pleasant surprise that your ex has kindly Hearted your text, which is cryptic but if taken literally, does mean that they in fact love that you are thinking of them? Right? That’s good right?

Finley receiving a heart
And then the phone promptly turns on Finley because it begins to ring, and the caller ID says “Mom,” and I guess my hope here is that this show is not going to make more than one character’s parent sick this season!


We then return to the now-empty Launch Party, where Dre’s gone ahead and taken their clothes off and slipped into the swimming pool, naked as the day they were born.

Dre in the pool
Marco
Dani in the pool
Polo…

Dre tells Dani they’ve got a girl back in Ohio — they’re not together anymore, but it’s their high school girlfriend and somehow it’s complicated even though Dre is single. Dani just got out of something serious that ended abruptly and robbed the program of its most beloved character Gigi, so she’s fine with something not-serious and slightly messy with Dre, which could in fact begin right here, right now.

Dre and Dani kissing

And thus we end our episode with Sexy Moment #6 between Dre and Dani, which like all the other sex scenes this season clocks in at under 45 seconds but holds great potential for these two characters and their moon-dappled fall evening under the stars. Looks like somebody read Alice’s new tongue-in-cheek self-help book!

Say Yes to Mess: Learn to let go of expectations and simply have sex in a swimming pool


Finally I would like to end this recap by thanking my girlfriend who translated my vision of Alice’s book cover into glorious graphics for this recap and sent the finished product to me in a Google Drive folder that also contained this extremely special and romantic gift:

Finish the Recap: How to Drive Your Loved Ones Crazy by never finishing L Word recaps


The Round-Up:
Squabbles: 2 this episode, 12 total
Sexy Moments: 2 this episode, 7 total

Quote of the Week:

Dani: I am so so sorry, that was incredibly unprofessional of me, my ex kissed two people she shouldn’t have and then fell into the pool.
Fletcher: Honestly it’s the kind of sapphic chaos I lived for.