Welcome to the 88th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We do this column TWICE a month.
Every other A+ Advice box of the month is themed! We’re following up the HOTBOX with the theme…SEX AND DESIRE. Technically it’s the second time we’ve had a sex-themed advice box, but the last one published in May 2022 and I have to imagine folks might have run into some questions between then and now! We’re also adding DESIRE here because why not get cerebral? Are you queer? Do you have questions about sex? Those questions are queer sex questions. And I don’t just mean technical how-do-you-do-x questions, though those are more than welcome. Feel free to get heady, to get heart-y, to go deep and wide and expansive and on all the wild paths of your desires and the ways you both do and do not and want to fulfill them. Please get your questions in by Monday, September 4th!
Then there are general Into the A+ Advice Boxes, like this one, where we take questions on practically any topic. You can send questions on any topic, at any time.
So, now, let’s dig in!!
Q1:
this is for The Hot Box edition
I like to wear my big over-ear headphones when I am out and about on my own — shopping, on the bus, etc. I also like to wear a hat to shade my eyes. this is usually a ballcap type hat of some sort, because (unlike a wide-brimmed staw hat), my headphones fit fine on top of it. so the sensory needs — listening to music, no sun in eyes — are met. and yet, I feel like even though the visual aesthetics of either of these items on their own are fine, when I wear them both at once, it looks awful! I would LOVE some tips about what I could do to make this into a more cute or soft femme look
A:
Nico: This isn’t helpful when it comes to hats, but I feel like a very femme look is Giant Sunglasses & headphones. Even if you have a prescription, you might be able to find some that you like and they can get as funky as you like! I feel like sunglasses can really add a cute element to an outfit, and they’re maybe just an awesome summer accessory in general. You can also pair them with the hat. I also don’t know what the situation with your hair is, but you can try styling it different ways with the hat on. Maybe experiment in the mirror sometime when you’re staying home. How does it look to pull some locks out in front, or what if you pull it back in X way. Again, I have no idea how long or short or what the deal is with your hair, but there is definitely, for example, an aesthetic difference for me between tucking all my hair under a hat and letting my front hair / bang situation (it’s all short but idk, front hairs I guess) peek out from under the front of the hat and hang out in front of my forehead. You can also experiment with the hat itself! Instead of a ball cap, for example, you could try a trucker hat with a mesh back half. These can be really fun. And don’t discount the ability for hats to say cute, fun things! Lots going on with the orange one! I don’t know, I feel like if a look is crowded, then it’s good to go bold because leaning into the maximalism makes the look all the more intentional and fun!
Kayla: Tbh my first thought what that this probably already looks cuter than you think! I think I would think someone was a celeb if I saw them with a big hat and big headphones on haha. As for soft femme touches, I do think the pattern/colors/print of hat could matter. My partner is butch but has gotten so into baseball caps and there are SO MANY CUTE ones out there in the world. Mixing up the hat from time to time will make it feel like more of an accessory in addition to serving its function. Also, I’m not sure what your hair looks like but styling it in different ways under the hat could be another way to shake things up.
Carmen: I am here to agree with Kayla, immediately when you started describing this look I imagined a hot celebrity trying to avoid paparazzi — so I’m willing to bet it’s incredibly cute! But I definitely agree that if you’re not feeling it just yet, think about switching up the baseball hats until you find some that match your style and also play around with how your hair is styled underneath the hat if that interests you or is a possibility. I’d practice your “I’m a hot person who’s unbothered” face in the mirror for max the paparazzi are following me appeal, but otherwise it seems like you are good to go!
Q2:
Hello wonderful people! I have a question for THE HOT BOX! I am a soft butch fat woman looking to get swimwear I like, which is proving to be annoyingly difficult.
Over the last couple years, I’ve started to figure out what clothing makes me feel comfortable and attractive in my gender presentation and my fatness, but not for swimwear. Classic women’s swimsuits are uncomfortably femme for me, and the idea of going the traditional masc route of swim trunks and shirt is more masculine than I am looking for (though I haven’t tried any on yet, so maybe I should try and see.) Do any of y’all have any androgynous or masc swimwear you would recommend? I feel like all the swimwear I see is either ultra-femme or ultra-masc, and I would be so grateful for any recommendations that live in the in between (and come in plus sizes), or advice if anyone else has dealt with this question.
Thanks so much!
A:
Nico: Friend, I think what you might be looking for is Beefcake! Retro! Agender! Swimwear!
Kayla: I know folks who have had luck with the brands Humankind as well as the (more popular) brand TomboyX. Some of the options for both brands aren’t the masc swim trunks and t-shirt combination you’re talking about but something more androgynous, like swim shorts (tighter and shorter than trunks) and tops that essentially look like sports bras. They don’t read as overly masc or overly femme imo. And some of the shorts come in different lengths so you can play around with that as well.
Carmen: I’m also here to recommend TomboyX, their swim shorts also come in a variety of patterns that immediately read gay and playful, which might help as well. They also do a variety of different shirt styles plus the sports bra, if you want to mix and match. I know that Nico recommended Beefcake Swimwear, but they were immediately who I thought of as I read your question! They’re whole thing is… well, being gay and also gender neutral. But on top of that, their bathing suits have this vintage lifeguard vibe that is so distinctive and a whole vibe to be honest. You will be so hot, my only warning would be to be prepared for people to ask where you got your suit from all the time.
Q3:
Dear Autostraddle,
I’m going through my first breakup as an adult. I’m fucking heartbroken. I broke it off, then they drew it out for two weeks. We agreed to try again, only for one of them to break it off over text while I was at breakfast with my best friend after basically asking permission to break up with me. What sucks the most is that there were two of them and when we broke up the first time (they told me they were getting married) I realized I was their secondary partner and they never cared about me as much as each other. Also, the more I think about it the more toxic our relationship seems (our ages are 22 (me), 24, and 29; the 29 year old lied to the 24 year old about our relationship when it started; and issues with drugs and addiction) especially from one of them who I believe is still manipulating the other one. Anyway, to get to my question, how do I get through this? I’m angry and sad and hurt and embarrassed and so mad that they will move on without me– though I guess I’ll move on without them too. How do I get through the feeling of inadequacy and unwanted-ness my realization of my secondary status has caused? And how long should I wait before hooking up (something I have wanted to do for months before we broke up) and dating?
A:
Kayla: While I haven’t been in your exact situation before, I once received advice in the aftermath of a bad breakup from a friend that has stuck with me and that I like to impart on others. He told me that my feelings of inadequacy and insecurity and, well, general un-hotness would be the most acute feeling after the breakup but then would also be the first to repair. That indeed proved to be true! Even though those were the most intense feelings in the beginning, they subsided first, while other feelings (like sadness and embarrassment) lingered. I know it sucks to hear those things will stick around a bit, but I also want to assure you that you WILL feel wanted again, and you will feel adequate. It’s all about finding the better fit and focusing on yourself. Grieve the relationship but don’t give it power over you. Also, I’m a firm believer in there being no fixed amount of time that has to pass between a breakup and your next hookup. Whenever you feel ready (and it sounds like you already might be?), go for it! If it doesn’t feel right, go back to taking a break.
Carmen: In my experience at least, as soon as you’re willing to out loud ask the question “how long should I wait before hooking up” — that’s usually a good indication that you’re already there! And if you aren’t ready to hook up with another person quite yet, I’m going to recommend masturbating (if you’ve been too sad before to do so, but maybe you already are!) — there is nothing that helps me feel hot as quickly as a reminder that, if nothing else, I find myself hot, you know? That can be a bridge back to getting grounded in your own body, which in turn can be a bridge back to rebuilding self-confidence and letting go of feelings of inadequacy. Also, it’s helpful to remember that sometimes your brain lies to you! Just because you have a thought (ie/ I am unattractive, I am inadequate) that does not mean the thought is true. It can mean instead that your brain is trying to protect you from a heartbreak like the kind you just experienced, and it’s going about it in a crossed-wires kind of way. So when you catch yourself feeling that way, you can always stop yourself and say “thanks brain! I see what you are trying to do here and protect me, but I am fucking hot! And even if I’m not ready yet to share my hotness with the world, I will again. Probably sooner than I think.”
Because you are hot, your heartbreak will mend with time, your best sex is in front of you, and you will date, hook up, and get back out there again.
Q4:
do you guys have any thoughts and suggestions on where to find nice mens clothes in an extra small (32-34 inch chest) that’s not target or old navy? my style is sort of mens traditional, but with colors, and I’m specifically hunting for natural fiber coats, but honestly, anything that’s not a graphic t shirt (stripes or allover patterns are fine) or a short sleeve button down is greatly appreciated
A:
Kayla: I’m a big fan of all things Big Bud Press. They’re gonna be pricier than your big box store brands, but you can get some REALLY nice basics in fun colors/patterns. They’re unisex and size expansive.
Heather: I always see small butches and tomboys on TikTok talking about how they buy clothes in the boys’ /kids’ sections of various stores and online retailers, and they are cute, cute, cute! I’ve also had a lot of luck with a few kind of pricier but absolutely excellent button-ups from the independent apparel designer Crowlines. He makes stuff in a zillion sizes! (Really bright colors, though!) The other place you might look is in the — no I’m serious — kids golf apparel sections at sporting goods stores. Loads of button-ups and polos in many, many colors without a lot of hypercolor patterns.
Nico: I’ve had good luck at a secondhand store run by a couple of gay men. I’d get on your local reddit and see what’s up when it comes to used clothes in your area too!
Q5:
For the Hotbox! My partner of 8 years and I are in a sex slump. There are a bunch of reasons behind that (trust rebuilding, 1yo kid, meds) but I’m actually not worried about that because we’re both ok with a slow recovery process.
We’ve had conversations about what we both need to rekindle the fire. They emphasized physical intimacy, so more snuggling, kissing, etc. I asked for more verbal affirmation of my hotness, because that’s how I feel most desired.
They’ve been making a lot of effort, and regularly tell me how cute and sexy I am. The problem is, it’s not working for me. It’s often at times when I feel unsexy, like first thing in the morning (I am NOT a morning person), when I’m in my shlumpy house clothes, or complimenting me at the same time as our kiddo (we’re both so beautiful, etc.). We had a real date night and got dressed up last week for the first time in over a year, and they commented on how great I looked… and then immediately tempered that by saying I always look great.
But I wanted that moment to stand out! I like that making effort makes me sexier, that’s the point! I also don’t think my sexiness is all about appearance–I am a great cook, I can always make them laugh, I’m smart as fuck. Having those non-appearance based things seen and appreciated also makes me feel hot.
I’d just say this, but they’re an HSP who’s struggling with grief and depression, so it’s hard to ask for change without them hearing criticism, especially around a sensitive topic. How can I approach this delicately and get the hot talk I need? How can I appreciate that they DO find me sexy even when I don’t feel it myself?
A:
Heather: I love this question because it’s so real and true to longterm relationship life. Like how do you impress someone with your physical appearance when they’ve been seeing you all day every day for years and years, sometimes in mismatched pajamas with your kid spitting up all over you. I think this might be a little easier than you’re thinking, because you’re thinking you’ll have to frame it as wanting them to do something different/not being enough, but I actually think — if you feel okay making yourself feel vulnerable in this way — you could just straight up say, “Gosh I’m feeling not as hot/sexy as I want to, and I think I’m just internalizing a lot of the misogyny/queerphobia in the world, but one thing I’ve noticed is that it makes me feel SO good when you say XYZ about the way I look, and it’s like I don’t hear any internal criticism for days after. So I just wanted to say thank you for seeing me in that way and saying it out loud, I always treasure it!” Then you’re putting it on you and praising them. Then also, when they do compliment you in the moment, tell them it makes you feel great!
Q6:
Hot box: I’m single for the first time in 15 years and ready to mingle, plus I plan on moving to a queerer state if I can afford it. So I have a fresh start coming and would like a makeover to match! Or at least a few new outfits that make me feel hot on dates. However, I don’t care whether something is in fashion and am easily overwhelmed by choices. I only shop when necessary or for specific functions, don’t wear makeup or much jewelry, and prefer to be comfy even when sexy. I guess I’m a lazy femme/tomboy/soft butch (depending on my mood). Is there someone who does makeovers or styling for the unwealthy? Or a way to find styles that accentuate my features without having to quit my day job to earn a degree in fashion?
A:
Kayla: I have gotten so many style and look tips just from friends! Your friends look at you all the time! They don’t have to be experts in fashion to know what might look good on you. It also sounds silly and slightly retro at this point, but I’ve found Pinterest to be super useful when cultivating or changing my personal style as well as just following people on Instagram whose looks I like.
Heather: I’ll echo Kayla because Kayla is actually someone who I’ve asked for fashion advice on multiple occasions and I have taken every single bit of it to heart and all the things she’s told me have helped me feel better and cooler when I’m getting dressed. I don’t know ANYTHING about fashion, only what makes me feel good, and so I just look for little tips here and there to try out on my own body, a little at a time. One thing also about the horrible surveillance of the internet is that once you buy something you like from one place, Instagram’s gonna show you 30 more places with similar kinds of things, so you might even find options you didn’t know existed due to being spied on. Yay? (Or: Congrats on that not happening to you because you use NordVPN.)
Carmen: In addition to these really great suggestions (I agree about Pinterest, asking your friends, and Instagram!!), a clothing service might be helpful here? I haven’t personally tried one, but Analyssa wrote about Nuuly as an option that she had a lot of luck with. You fill out a survey about your style and provide your sizes, someone else does the shopping for you, and you only keep what you really like and return the rest. I’ve heard it can be a great way to try out new styles or explore what works best for you, without the headache or commitment of shopping for yourself. Anyway, I just wanted to offer it up!
Q7:
I need some body hair advice/solidarity. I don’t shave my armpits mostly because I get horrible ingrown hairs but also because it’s a pain in the ass. I have thick coarse very dark body hair due to a couple of hormone disorders and I’m very self-conscious about people seeing my very hairy armpits. This is the second (very hot) summer since I stopped shaving and I’m doing better about just wearing my sleeveless shirts anyway, but I’m still struggling with how it looks. I’ve considered trying to trim my armpit hair but I can’t figure out how that would work, especially using my non-dominant hand. I also live alone and don’t have a partner or close friend that could help. Ideally I would just learn to say fuck it and accept it but the body hair shame runs deep. Any ideas or advice to help me live my best hairy hot girl summer?
A:
Heather: You can use electric clippers/a beard trimmer for your underarms, with a clipper guard! They go up as big as 7/8″ and as small as 1/16″ and are pretty easy to use with your non-dominant hand, especially if you get a smaller one. They’re not even expensive! I think I got my clippers for like $15 at Target ten years ago and they still work great. I just clean them after every use and use the little oil/brush that came with them.
Carmen: Also, I’ve found that one way I’ve come to appreciate my own coarse and dark underarm hair is to… don’t laugh but… self-care it? About once a week when I shower, I also do a body scrub (my favorite is the Trader Joe’s Lavender Salt Scrub) — and when I started growing out my pits, I would also give them a quick run through with the scrub along with the rest of my body. I also use an after shower body oil, like Fur Oil, which is a little luxurious (and probably boarding on silly), but the combination makes my hair and skin so soft. Also, it smells really good! And I’ve found that if I’m more… proud of my underarm hair? And feel connected to it? The more I feel like showing it off, instead of having internalized shame around it. If that makes sense.
Q8:
Hello! This is for the feeling and looking hot box. Over the last few years I have had changes in my body (gaining weight) and figured out I am non-binary and find wearing dresses/skirts uncomfortable gender wise. I am also a wheelchair user which impacts the way clothes sit on me. I struggle with finding clothes that make me feel hot, because conditioning expects femininity from fat people and often androgyny is seen as a skinny person thing. I would love to try and figure out what clothes and styles would make me feel hot(while also being cool for hot weather). I wear a lot of jumpsuits, leggings + colourful shirts, but struggle particularly with dressing sexy or dressing up in a way that doesn’t feel femme. I would like to look into getting a tailored suit but that is expensive and also not right for all weathers! I also don’t know what discomfort is coming from internalised fatphobia, and what is gender dysphoria. Would love to hear from people who have a similar lived experience if possible! Thanks so much
A:
Heather: Any time that I have to use mobility aids, I, too, struggle with a lot of tough feelings around feeling good and looking good. I think it’s because no one really pays attention to me on the street on most days, but if I am using my rollator/cane, or when I had to use a wheelchair in the past, I know people are going to gawk anyway, so I feel perceived in a way I don’t like. I’m sorry you’re dealing with something similar! One thing that has helped me enormously is following disabled creators on Instagram who are doing fit checks often. Even if they don’t have my kind of style, it’s so empowering to see them proudly visible, taking up space — and the few who are more butch-y like me, it makes me feel even more seen (but in a good way). I get so many ideas from these insta-pals for different kinds of styles and often they even tell you exactly where to buy things!
https://www.instagram.com/hiyo_nicosmile/
https://www.instagram.com/jessicaoutofthecloset/
https://www.instagram.com/fashionbellee/
https://www.instagram.com/spacewitchix/
