Welcome to the 61st edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.
Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed, like this one! Next month’s theme is: BREAKING UP Do you think you might need to break up, have you been broken up with and you want help coping or managing those feelings, are you getting divorced or thinking about filing — is someone else’s breakup splitting up your friend group and you need to know what to do, or maybe you have two close friends who are breaking up. Are you still dealing with the aftermath of a breakup that happened a while ago? Send us your q’s about anything and everything related to breakups because at the end of the day, we care about you and we’re here to help. Get those questions into the A+ Priority Contact Box by Tuesday July 5th so that we have plenty of time to answer them!! Thank you so much.
The general Into the A+ Advice Box, where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.
So, now, let’s dig in!!
Q1:
My therapist has mentioned that some of the problems that I describe makes her consider that I might have ADHD. Of course this has sent me in a beautiful spirally mix of possible self-recognition and self-doubt (very reminiscent of coming to terms with my bisexuality, by the way). I’ve noticed that the handful of friends that I have shared this with tend to be sceptical; they immediately talk about how nowadays “all these children are medicated” because they would be misdiagnosed, which you know, sucks. I was wondering, does anyone of you have been diagnosed (or self-diagnosed) with ADHD? What did this do for you? Does anyone have some nice resources (books, essays) on the subject? I’m very interested in getting a bit deeper into the relation between mental health diagnoses and how those shape reality, like what it means to identify or not with something like this? I worry that diagnoses like ADHD play into the medical-industrial complex, and the idea that differences need to be fixed? But it would be great if I could be a bit less of a mess?
Chaotic & confused
A:
Darcy: Hi friends! I’m going to speak to both questions 1 and 2, because they have a lot in common. Last year, when I was 37, after a cousin pursued a formal ADHD diagnosis, I did the same. I decided to do so because I’ve had trouble all of my life with prioritizing tasks, with completing things, with keeping the tasks of day-to-day life going 100% of the time, etc. It first showed up in a big way when I was 12, and during the pandemic, it became worse than it had been since I’d left college. I pursued a diagnosis because I wanted treatment, if appropriate. (In this day and age, I would not necessarily recommend pursuing a formal diagnosis and then having that in your chart “just to know.”)
When my cousin needed evaluation, he went to the ADHD evaluator that works with our local university. Even though I didn’t need academic accommodations, because that evaluator took my insurance, I went to him too. (I want to note that the way I went about things is not the only way to pursue diagnosis or treatment for ADHD; it’s just the route that I know most about. If you like your doctor, you can start by asking them about it; you can also, of course, learn more without pursuing a formal diagnosis. ) My evaluation process took place over three sessions that included a lot of talking about my childhood, some tests in a specialized computer program, and some evaluations (like quizzes) that I did at home. Talking to the evaluator was really helpful. As I talked about my childhood, I was able to see how things fit into a pattern that had nothing to do with me being “a fuckup” (my childhood script), and everything to do with needing support that I did not receive.
At the end of the three meetings, my evaluator gave me a diagnosis of Inattentive ADHD and some paperwork to take to my doctor so that I could begin medication, if I wished. “The thing about the medication,” he said, “was that if it works for you, you’ll know RIGHT away.”
He was right! Medication hasn’t been a magic bullet, but it’s helped me a LOT. And what has helped me even more is to start to do more reading on the ADHD brain – what motivates me, how I work – and to start to speak openly about what I need in order to get my work, chores, or writing done. My ADHD doesn’t really present as an attention disorder; I can focus (or hyperfocus!) on various things. It feels more like a prioritization disorder – I will often focus on the wrong thing. My motivating factors aren’t the same as a neurotypical person’s, so finding the things that DO motivate me, and also the hacks that will help me finish my tasks and chores, are key.
I can’t speak to ideas like “children are all medicated these days” or other skeptical ideas about ADHD diagnoses. What I do know is that the inattentive type of ADHD was diagnosed much more rarely in the 90s when I was growing up than it is today, and that ADHD was hardly ever diagnosed in girls or AFAB kids back then. I also know that I needed help as a kid – help I didn’t get. Kids who get that help today are lucky, and I’m happy for people who come to diagnoses in adulthood, too! It’s lovely to have a better understanding of oneself.
For further reading, Self has a pretty robust list of adult ADHD books and online resources. That list has several books my evaluator recommended on it; it’s a great place to start. I’ve also found super helpful nuggets in the Reddit r/adhd thread. And scroll ADHD Tik Tok all you want (I do sometimes find it helpful!), but when videos pop up saying things like “have blue hair and a mole on your arm? You have ADHD!” maybe take them with a grain of salt.
Best of luck!
Q2:
I’ve recently realized, in my 50s, that I (very probably) have ADHD. I think it’s going to be life changing! It explains so much about my life long struggle with procrastination and focus.
But it’s also really overwhelming – there’s a lot of info out there and I’m not exactly sure how to start integrating it into my life.
I have two questions. I’d like suggestions for a few good resources. (One limitation is that I’m not on social media.) And I’d also like to hear from AS staff who were diagnosed as adults what made the biggest differences for them. I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to pursue an official diagnosis so I’d also like to hear about people’s decisions about that.
A:
Nicole: So, not me, but I have had a couple of friends who’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and later in life, and it has, in fact, been life-changing. Things that may be true for you if you decide to pursue a diagnosis include being able to reframe your life history (work, education, etc.) in terms of your diagnosis and to find grace and forgiveness for yourself for hard times you had in school or the workplace, to be able to seek specific counseling and coaching that may work better for you if you do have ADHD, or even to be able to utilize prescription medications to help you manage your ADHD. For my friends, the biggest things seem to be just understanding themselves better on a day-to-day basis, which you don’t need a diagnosis to get started on — and the second biggest thing is the medication, for which, you do need a diagnosis. To answer your q about resources, I put this question just below the one above so that you can refer to the truly excellent explanation and resources Darcy gave above. Wishing you tons of luck with whatever you choose and also this is an invitation for anyone reading this who was diagnosed as an adult to share their experiences in the comments if that is something you’d like to do!
Q3:
Hi AS team! Does anyone have any tips or resources for soothing emotional dysregulation? I’ve been dealing with some pretty extreme emotional responses (high levels of anxiety and lots and lots of crying) in response to some run-of-the-mill polyamory challenges. I’ll be talking to my therapist about this for sure, but I expect her to suggest some DBT techniques. At the moment, I’m more interested in a somatic approach since my emotions feel so physical. Thanks for your help!
A:
Ro: Emotional dysregulation is rough! I’ve been there. For me, it’s helpful to understand the science behind what’s happening in my brain and body. If you are also a science-minded person, I highly recommend reading about polyvagal theory. Your therapist can probably suggest some exercises that help soothe the nervous system when you’re feeling stuck in an emotion or when you’re on the verge of a panic attack. Some of my favorite tools are: alternate nostril breathing, putting an ice pack on my chest, dunking my face in a bowl of ice water and taking a cold shower.
Q4:
Hey! It might finally be time to replace my silicone period cup. Any recommendations on brands for the new one?
A:
Ro: Everybody is different, but here’s what’s worked for me, a person who has pretty tight pelvic floor muscles, has heavy periods and has never pushed a human out of my vagina. I used to use the Lena Cup, which was super comfortable, but on occasion, it wouldn’t open all the way and I’d end up staining my underwear. I switched to the Diva Cup, which is a little more firm, so it’s easier for me to get it to open. I’ve been consistently using a Diva Cup for about four years now, and I’ve been happy with it. Lately, I’ve been hearing great things about menstrual discs like the FlexDisc and Ziggy Cup (which is a little more cup-shaped, but it doesn’t have a stem). Supposedly, both of those products can be worn during vaginal penetration, which sounds DELIGHTFUL, especially on days when you can’t find your period sex towel. I haven’t tried a menstrual disc myself, but I think I will soon!
Darcy: Okay, I have tried SO MANY, and I am here to say that if your current model works well for you, you should stick with it! For reference I have never given birth, and I have a heavy flow. I also think, from talking with friends, that I wear my menstrual cups fairly high up towards my cervix, compared to many people. Anyway: I originally had a Diva cup; I’ve since tried cups with stiffer walls, like the Lunette (felt like I was sitting on an egg), cups with softer walls, like the Lily Cup Compact (I collapsed it with my body and it leaked?), cups that have mechanisms to break the seal when you pull them out, like the Flex Cup (the mechanism took up space and made it leak), and several menstrual discs, like the Flex disc and the Nix It, which I was excited about because of the idea of auto-dumping, where you can use the restroom and empty the cup with your muscles without taking it out. Unfortunately the discs did not work for my body with even a moderate flow – they were leak city. Now I’m back to my Diva cup, with so many cups I can’t return or use in my medicine cabinet! THAT SAID, there is a new cup with an applicator coming out soon, and I want to try it, because I am such a sucker. I mean optimist.
Q5:
For the well-being topic: tips on how to go to sleep earlier? I know I feel so much better after a solid 8 hours of sleep but I find myself constantly staying up for 30 minutes to an hour past my “bedtime” and it really messes with me. But I somehow can’t find the time during the day to do everything that needs to get done, and still have time to relax and unwind before bed.
A:
Heather: Okay hear me out — does “everything that needs to get done” really need to get done? The answer to that question may be a resounding yes, and that’s totally fine, of course! But I’m wondering if maybe there’s 30 minutes worth of stuff that you actually don’t need to do, but feel compelled to do, for whatever reasons, and you could maybe take those 30 minutes and use them for rest and relaxation instead? The reason I’m asking this is because my very first therapist asked me the same thing about a hundred years ago when I was struggling with this exact same problem. And then also, when I got Long Covid two years ago, I found that there were so many things I had convinced myself HAD TO GET DONE, but actually they don’t? Like the stairs don’t have to get dustbustered every single night. The area rug doesn’t have to get vacuumed and Swiffered underneath every afternoon. I don’t have to sort and shred the mail and pay bills the very day they arrive. I don’t have to cook every single meal from scratch. I can eat leftovers or order pizza. I don’t have to check my work email or Slack after I leave work. I don’t have to reply to messages after hours. I can just… log off. So many things I had conditioned myself to stay busy doing, and I am just fine now with not doing them. My house is still clean and tidy, my bills still get paid on time, I’m good at my job, me and my wife aren’t starving. I have to rest a lot more than I want to, but that’s actually okay. Everything is still working just fine!
But if that stuff does really need to get done, I’m wondering if you can figure out which things actually help you rest and relax, and which things are maybe distractions that keep you wired. Like social media — and especially TikTok and Twitter — are made to keep you active and clicking, totally mentally and emotionally stimulated. Maybe those could have a cut-off time. Or! Maybe you could add in rest and relaxation things that make you sleepy, like some night time tea or a hot bubble bath.
The main thing, I think, is don’t add a layer of judgment on top of being exhausted. We’re all barely hanging on right now and frankly we deserve an award for it.
Nicole: To deal with this recently, I basically had to look at the whole way I was structuring my day and make some changes. I know not everyone can change for example, when their workday starts or when they need to drop the kids off or anything like that, but I found that by moving my tasks around, and making sure that I was doing things when I was in the best state to do them (writing / editing in the morning, dishes at night when my brain doesn’t work, etc.) that my day flowed much more smoothly. I have to refresh my schedule periodically as my body seems to shift when it is most alert / efficient depending on the seasons, too, so none of this is ever static for me.
Also, Heather’s right! Not everything needs to be done now. Sometimes sleep is a thing that just needs to be done. You are allowed to have rest time each day. It’s okay to have that! In fact, more than okay! You need sleep and it’s more important than many other things, and you DO also need down time to get there. It’s not really optional to skip the wind-down if you want to have good quality sleep. To get more into downtime, several months ago, I first heard the phrase “revenge bedtime procrastination” where you will feel compelled to stay up later to get more you-time if you pack your day with work, even at the expense of your sleep. So, I advise treating your downtime with just as much respect as you do your other daily activities.
One final thing that I do when I am treating and caring for myself the best (which is not always lol), is to be very intentional about how I’m spending my downtime. Am I collapsed on the couch watching bad TV that isn’t fulfilling me? Or, can I manage to summon the willpower to put on a good movie I’ve never seen, to go for a walk, to play a game, read a good book, cook something for fun and listen to an audio book? It’s not just the quantity of rest time, but also the quality and the extent to which you enjoy it that matters. So, in addition to prioritizing some rest time and budgeting that into your day in terms of time, I would also advise doing some planning around it to make sure that you are, honestly, maximizing the fun or fulfillment so that even if you have a little bit of time, you still feel fulfilled. Do I watch good movies 20-40 minutes at a time over the course of several nights because that’s all the TV time I have? Yes. Is it less than ideal? To me, only slightly? I feel like it’s a good way to spend the limited downtime I have after I’ve completely exhausted my body for the day and I like taking that small extra step to show myself some care. Making sure that even my lowest energy activity is one that I’m truly enjoying makes all the difference. Then, when I go to go to sleep, it’s with a greater feeling of satisfaction for the day, which helps me get to sleep. Sending you good thoughts on your mission to get more rest!
Q6:
Hi hi! I have a friend who is really going through it – mental health issues in the best of times + being a teacher in the pandemic + being isolated by an abusive partner during the whole thing that they finally escaped from but are still having legal issues because of. They have a therapist and anti-depressants and whatnot but I just cat sat for them and their place is honestly disgusting, like semi-hoarder + roaches everywhere + they didn’t do the dishes even though they were going away for several days (I did the dishes). The last time I cat sat after not being in their apartment for almost 2 years, I spent 3 hours cleaning it and checked in on their mental health and then shortly after they broke up with the gf. Whenever we hang they say they are still “cleaning up the mess from the ex”. But like, it’s bad and it’s been at least 2-3 months since she moved out. I don’t want to overstep my bounds, but is there a way to delicately offer to pay for a professional cleaning service? Or thoughts on other ways to be supportive?
A:
Himani: I think a lot of this will depend on how close you are with this friend. I honestly wouldn’t advise opening up a conversation with someone about something like this unless you are very, very close with them, because it can come off as shaming and judgemental, even when delivered in the kindest way. If this is someone you feel very close with and who you feel you can have hard conversations with, let them know you want to talk with them about something difficult and ask them to set up time, so that they aren’t randomly blindsided by the conversation.
I would recommend starting off the conversation with a lot of gentle phrasing, grounding it in “I” statements and giving them plenty of opportunity to opt out of the conversation at any point. For instance, I might suggest something along the lines of: “This may not be my place to say, and so if I’m overstepping by bringing this up, let me know and I won’t mention it again. I noticed when I cat sat for you recently that your place was very messy. I know things have been really hard for you lately with the break up and everything else going on. For me, I sometimes find that when my place is really messy, it negatively affects my mental health. I don’t know if that’s true for you, but I wanted to offer to help out in any way I can, in case things are feeling a little overwhelming right now.” Based on how they respond to that much then you can direct the conversation to hiring a cleaning service. That’s just my suggestion — is this something I myself would personally do? Very likely not, because it is a very hard conversation to have with a friend. More than anything else, make sure to tread lightly with this.
Nicole: Yes, I’d say to tread lightly here and really let your friend guide the conversation, but I also feel like, just to put it out there, keeping up with cleaning can be one of the first things that goes out the window when someone’s mental health isn’t in good shape, and there’s really no shame in that EVEN THOUGH literally everyone ever feels super ashamed of it. I wanted to just continue down the line after Himani’s advice and add that I feel like, if you do get to the place where you might be able to help hire a cleaning service or even come help clean yourself, you can also offer emotional support. Would they maybe rather not be home when the cleaning service comes so they don’t have to interact with them? Maybe offer to be the one to make the call and to be there to meet the service and handle things while they take care of some other things or crash at your place for a little while, just because they might be embarrassed and that’s a way that you can take some of that load off of them and help them cope with any anxieties they may have around getting some help. If you wind up doing something where you help clean, then finding ways to make it fun / reward yourselves during and after cleaning so that you’re shifting the focus away from a shame / anxiety spiral and toward a more friend-activity-day situation, might be helpful. I am sure that they do know it’s messy, and I am sure it’s affecting their mental health, and sometimes it’s also really hard to accept help or let people into those vulnerable spaces, so I would just keep in mind, should you decide to start down this path, that approaching everything around this with absolutely zero judgement is key to helping your friend out. Finally, if they aren’t receptive to having this conversation, then I would advise trying to maintain that state of no judgement and just accepting that. Sometimes there is only so much you can do besides just letting someone know that you’re there when / if they need you or when / if they’re ready.
Q7:
I love TomboyX’s and Toni Marlow’s racerback bras. They are what I wear to work. But they are mostly cotton, and I sweat. Do you know of similar bras that are made in workout material?
A:
Heather: TomboyX’s bras are my FAVORITE, but yes, the cotton can be a real issue! My favorite moisture-wicking racerback bras are from Nike and UnderArmour. They’re not cheap — probably twice as much as TomboyX, on average — but they really work and last forever. But one word of warning: Oddly enough, cotton bras handle the smell of sweat better than moisture-wicking ones. They’re totally fine for one wear, but you’ll definitely want to get a little rotation going so you can wash them frequently. Another good place to check is Target. I don’t have one near me anymore, but I’ve always had good luck with their moisture-wicking bras and they’re much less expensive than big sports brands.
Q8:
I am the friend or colleague people turn to when they need emotional support, and I love that! I love that people feel like I’m a safe person and feel like they can be open and vulnerable with me. And I love it because as a disabled person there are a lot of tiny practical things my friends do for me to accommodate me and I often feel guilty that I can’t reciprocate or repay that favour, so if I can be emotionally supportive and available for them, maybe that’s going a little way to reciprocating?
But it does mean that I don’t really share my feelings with people, and that’s tricky because I still have emotions and difficult things that I need to process and I still need to be listened to occasionally. I have maybe like 3-4 friends I’m fully open with about things, and recently one of them has told me that she needs space from me because she doesn’t have the emotional availability for our friendship. She’s not the first close friend to tell me this either, so it feels like a bit of a pattern with my female friendships. And I’m not sure how to deal with this. I want to respect her boundaries, but also it feels tough because objectively I support her and my other close friends a lot, probably more than they support me emotionally (and I’m totally happy to do that). But how do I look after myself? I have started going to therapy and that’s helpful, but is it ok for me to have emotions/need emotional support/validation from my friends sometimes? Should I try to open up to more people to spread the load? Essentially, how can I have healthy, emotionally supportive friendships?
A:
Himani: I’ve recently been struggling with something similar and so I don’t have great, concrete advice for you. Mostly I want to commiserate and also share some things I have been trying to work on for myself. First, it is really hard and painful when someone says that they don’t have emotional availability for you. Of course, everyone has a right to set their boundaries and everyone has their limits, but knowing that doesn’t take the sting out of it any less. It feels doubly painful when it feels (obviously from your perspective) that you provide a lot of emotional support to others.
One important thing, entirely separate from the question you’re asking, is to check in with yourself regularly about the amount of emotional support you’re providing, just to make sure you’re not overstretching yourself. Sometimes, it feels to me like providing emotional support to people is what allows us to maintain our connection and, in some ways, is a core part of who I am. In and of itself, that framework implies a lot of troubling things with regards to “worthiness to be loved” and “needing to earn other people’s affections” that I need to work on in myself. I don’t know if this is true for you as well, so maybe this is irrelevant, but just wanted to flag it, as parts of your question really resonated with me. For what it’s worth, I don’t think you should feel guilty that your friends are accommodating your needs, and I also don’t think you should feel like you need to “repay” them by providing emotional support beyond your limits.
To your actual question, I think spreading the load, as you said, is important. It’s really hard, especially as we get older, to cultivate and maintain these types of close friendships where you can go to someone for support when you need it, but that’s all the more reason to try to build more and more of these types of close friendships. The other piece, that I have not succeeded at but am considering, is to think about if there are ways in which you can address some of this with the friends who have told you they are emotionally unavailable for you. It might be helpful to try to have a conversation to understand what they mean, not as a way to push against their boundaries, but rather to understand their boundaries better. It might help them to understand how you are feeling and being affected by this dynamic and it might help you to understand what their limits are and if there are ways in which you can get some of the emotional support you need while still being respectful of their boundaries.
More than anything, I want you to know that you absolutely can and should have emotions and rely on others for emotional support, processing and validation. That’s part of being human and having connections with other people. I’m sorry that so many people have made you feel like this isn’t something you’re allowed to ask for. I know it’s discouraging, but keep trying to reach and build more connections. Hopefully, over time, your friends can find a way to establish boundaries for themselves while continuing to be there for you in the ways you need and, hopefully, you can build more connections with others who can be there for you even more.
Q9:
Do you have any tips for how to work on loving/at least accepting your body after it has changed size but also maybe should continue to change since you’re not engaged in positive behaviors that support it? I know that ~body positivity~ is an age-old topic and I’ve been working at it for years and years (I even worked at an eating disorder treatment facility for a while), but over the past few years I’ve gained a bunch of weight and even though I know I don’t need to look like I did when I was 24 and in grad school and so anxious I could barely eat, I still feel uncomfortable in my own skin and uncomfortable with sex and uncomfortable with in my CLOTHES. The answer should be to just buy new clothes and work with my therapist at achieving some sense of peace with everything else, but I also know that finding the motivation to eat more fruits and veggies and nourishing real meals, and to add in more movement (yoga and walking and pole dancing(!)) would go a long way to making me feel better too. How do I make peace with a body that I know is not getting what it needs to thrive, and also find the motivation to change some of those negative habits? How do I figure out what my body looks like when I’m treating it nicely and accept that shape/size and find better stuff to worry about? Has anyone else experienced something like this?
A:
Casey: Hello dear friend! I’m going to address the “find motivation to change some of these negative habits” part of your question. I’ve been struggling with some of the same issues as you in my postpartum body which is sometimes a body I don’t recognize and also a body I know I am not supporting as well as I could given my attention is so often elsewhere (a baby!).
I don’t know if you like to cook or not. I do, but had let it fall by the wayside for a while. I’ve recently got myself to the library and checked out a few exciting cookbooks and it has really helped me get excited about cooking again! I find doing my own cooking generally gets me eating nourishing meals instead of quicker junkier stuff.
There are a zillion good cookbooks out there and ones that focus on fruits and veggies if you want to eat more of those. I always recommend Mollie Katzen’s vegetarian cookbooks which have accessible easy healthy meals. Flip through a cookbook before borrowing it though, you want to steer clear of ones that focus on calorie counting or losing weight. (Although I think the ones that are usually make it obvious in the title). One bonus of getting cookbooks from the library is there’s a time limit on the borrowing time, which can be motivating to get cracking on making delicious and nourishing meals!
My suggestion for adding in more movement – you have great ideas by the way!! – is to sign up for a class or make a deal with a friend or partner to do movement together. Can you make a standing Sunday afternoon date with a friend to go for walks? Is there a pole dancing class coming up soon you can sign up for with a friend? Can you and your partner put a 20 minute pre bedtime yoga video into your nightly routine? Is there a yoga series at a local studio you can register for?
I think the activities you’ve suggested are great options for steering clear of exercise that focuses on appearance and weight loss and instead on feeling good in your body and seeing what it can do. For the yoga options I’d do a bit of research before choosing a video or studio to see what the teacher’s values are so you know they align with yours. A good studio or teacher should tell you upfront about what they value and what their teaching goals are. Social media is a good place to look!
Valerie Anne: I struggle with ‘body positivity’ because I think a lifetime of emotional abuse and disordered eating means I’ll probably never truly LOVE my body, no matter what it looks like; especially because I hated my body in high school, and that was before medication made me gain 100 lbs. And it’s weird and strange in this brain of mine because I look at OTHER fat people and I’m like WOW THEY’RE SO BEAUTIFUL so I know the body positivity movement is doing good things (because that’s not a mindset I had 15 years ago, unfortunately), I just haven’t been able to apply it to myself yet for some reason. However, I can learn to stop HATING my body; I’m aiming for body neutrality here. One thing that has helped me go through phases of eating well or exercising more (I say ‘phases’ because depression sometimes sends me off course for a bit) is when I remove my size/way I look from the equation entirely. I tell myself that no one else (read: my friends) cares what size I am, and then think about the other benefits of working out and eating healthier. Casey touched on this a bit, but I don’t focus on a ‘goal’ of what I want to look like, but how I want to feel. I like to use vegetarian meal prep kits like Hello Fresh because while it’s not necessarily THE healthiest option, it’s a guaranteed way to get fresh veggies in me, which always gives me more energy. And one example of movement I try to do is workout with physical goals instead of weight goals. I use the Peloton app (I don’t have a Peloton, I just use the non-bike workouts like abs, legs, weights, cardio, etc) because I find their instructors more encouraging than most, and I set goals for myself within it. I will find a class I like and I’ll do it once a week until I can do the whole thing without having to take a break. Or I’ll do the same program a month later to see if I can hold a plank longer this time. It’s a fun little challenge for myself and I find it just as encouraging to track my progress by strength, and better for my mental health than getting on a scale every morning. (They have yoga classes, too, by the way. This isn’t an ad for Peloton.) So maybe your goals are completing a pole dancing class, and your measurement can be what skills you learn in that class. There are lots of other kinds of strength/skill-based goals — or even mood/energy/sleep hygiene goals, albeit harder to measure — you can aim for. Maybe it will happen to make your body look more like what you’re used to or comfortable with, or maybe that confidence in your strength and other health benefits, regardless of how or if your body changes, will do wonders for your self-esteem as a result.
Darcy: Casey and Valerie Anne have great perspectives on this. <3 I saw something on Twitter or Instagram yesterday that said something to the effect of, “you can miss your old body and still honor the new one,” and I think it’s really true. It’s ok to feel disconcerted that your body has changed. Like Valerie Anne said above, aiming for body neutrality is a great goal.
When it comes to moving your body, I find that joyful, playful movement is the kind of thing that I can keep incorporating into my days. Everybody’s idea of fun is different, but lately I’ve been walking my puppy, playing with my toddler nieces, going axe-throwing, swimming in the creek…on a good day, I’ll turn up some music I love and have a one-person dance party in my house. I think it’s the same with nourishing your body. What’s your favorite summer fruit? What veggie always tastes good to you, even when you sautee it from frozen? What looks really good at the Farmer’s Market this week, if that’s something you can get to? If you’re exhausted and tonight’s dinner is mac and cheese from a box, what veggie and protein could you mix in that might taste delicious? The more I try to chase joy in my habits, the likelier it is that they’ll keep happening.
Q10:
Hello,
I don’t know if this could be a question for the well-being round-up but it is definitely about my girlfriend well-being. So, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in February and after 2 painful operations to get rid of all reproductive organs,she is doing chemo. May 31st will be the 2nd of 6 round.
She is masculine of center, and use the term boi for herself. She was really proud of her hair. A “Korean actor on a red carpet” do : messy on top and nice fade on the sides.
She had to shave everything and she hate the shape of her head. I tell her she is perfect but she doesn’t see herself through my eyes.
She wears baseball caps outside but she has 2 problems:
1- she doesn’t like to keep the cap inside
2- the shaved head makes the cap itchy
She doesn’t want to wear a wig or a scarf because this is way too feminine.
She’s tried to have a bandana underneath the baseball cap but it has a weird shape and patterns clash. We figure something like a satin durag could be a lead but we can’t find something similar that is not appropiating.
The Google search for “butch hair cancer” “bold butch scarf” is not it 😅
Do you have any advice?
Also we are French so don’t worry for us about finance and good doctors. We are very lucky to be in a country where this is not an issue.
Thank you for your time 🙏🏻
A:
Heather: First of all, I’m sending love and strength to you and your partner. Have you tried looking on Etsy for chemo hats for men? There are so many butch-y styles to choose from in so many different fabrics. My friend who is going through chemo has had a similar struggle and she ended up really loving the hats made of TENCEL. One other idea she suggested to me was looking at really soft scrubs caps, like surgeons wear. She’s had luck with KimKaps. They have like eleven different styles and lots of fun, colorful fabric options.
Ro: I’m so sorry you and your partner are going through such tough stuff. I love Heather’s idea to search for chemo hats marketed to men. As a masc-leaning person who can’t wear hats with brims because they make me look like a Cub Scout, I’m a big fan of beanies, and it turns out there are beanies made of all kinds of material that are comfortable in all types of weather. I don’t have a specific product recommendation, but if you know of a fabric that feels comfy on your girlfriend’s head, you can probably find a beanie made out of the same material.
Q11:
Question for the Wellbeing Advice Box please! Hello excellent people, how do you know if a therapist is right for you? I’ve never done this before and I’m already kinda stressed about being so vulnerable (especially when it’s so expensive too). How do I figure out if my initial take on a therapist is legit or just nerves? What are some good ways to evaluate them, both short and longer term? Thank you!
A:
Ro: Here’s something I wish I knew before I started going to therapy: there are all kinds of different therapy styles, and some of those styles just don’t work for me. Before you search for a therapist, take some time to research different therapeutic approaches (you’ll probably find stuff like cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, psychodynamic therapy, etc.) and see if there’s a certain style that speaks to you. If you’re not sure where to start, think about the reason(s) why you’re pursuing therapy and research which styles best suit your specific needs. You might find a style that sounds great but doesn’t actually work for you, or you might not know if the style works for you because you don’t click with the therapist. That’s ok! Sometimes finding the right therapist and therapeutic style takes some trial and error. It’s a bummer and it’s costly, but it’s really important to find a mental health professional who can actually give you the help you’re paying for (and on that note: if you’re uninsured, search for sliding scale therapy near you!).
It’s also a good idea to consider what other qualities you’re looking for in a therapist before you schedule your first session. Is it important for you to see a therapist who shares your cultural background? Do you want a trans-affirming therapist or a therapist who incorporates spirituality into their work? Would you feel most comfortable talking to a therapist of a certain gender? Do you want a therapist who specializes in a certain area? Most therapists will list at least some of this information on their websites (and you can also use websites like Psychology Today to search for therapists who meet specific criteria). If you do a little research in advance, you’ll probably find a good match sooner.
When I’m seeing a new therapist, here are some qualities I look for:
-My therapist is on time for our sessions and listens to me (this might sound really basic, but I recently stopped seeing a therapist because she was consistently distracted during our virtual sessions and kept canceling our sessions at the last minute).
-My therapist has experience treating other people who deal with my same mental health struggles.
-My therapist demonstrates a basic understanding of the queer community (I don’t really talk about my queerness in therapy, but I want to be able to refer to people and experiences in my life without having to explain too much).
-My therapist has set clear goals for our time together.
-My therapist is willing to (kindly) call me on my bullshit.
-My therapist pays attention to my feedback and adjusts their approach accordingly.
-My therapist is aware of the ways that capitalism and marginalization impact mental health.
-My therapist has a sense of humor.
Again, these are just the qualities I look for. Your list might be different! Hopefully, my list can help you brainstorm the qualities you need to prioritize.
Q12:
What are your strategies for getting the most out of therapy? I pay out of pocket so I can see a queer-friendly counselor and need to make the most of every session.
A:
Heather: I have a problem with therapy in that I want to win therapy. I want to be the teacher’s pet. I want to be the greatest client my therapist has ever worked with. Because I am a world-class people-pleaser, which is one of the reasons I need to be in therapy! I have been seeing the most amazing therapist of my life for the past year almost, and I think the reason I’m vibing with her so much and growing so much is that, first of all, I had very specific search criteria and didn’t choose a therapist until I found one who checked all the boxes. Then, up front, I told her about how I wanted to get an A+ in therapy, and why that’s a problem, and we immediately developed strategies to work on that. I’ve spent so much money on therapy in the past that didn’t help me at all because I wasn’t being messy when I needed to be messy because I wanted my therapist to like me. So I was honest about that! I think making a small list of therapists you’d like to check out and then scheduling consultations is a great way to learn about your options and feel people out. And then, once you choose someone, really be honest, be open, be authentic, be vulnerable; don’t worry about being polite or impressive or buttoned-up. I find it’s also really helpful to journal about therapy and then review my notes before each session. Preparing for therapy and then sort of doing some self-care after therapy also helps it stick for me. I used to treat it like something to check off my to-do list; now I think of it as physical therapy for my brain and emotions. Wishing you so much luck on your mental health journey!
Ro: I used to have moments throughout the week when I would think, “Huh! This seems like something I should talk to my therapist about!” Then I’d move on to my next task, promptly forget what the thing was and never bring the thing up in therapy. So I started a note on my phone called “Therapy Thoughts.” After that, every time I thought of something I’d like to address with my therapist, I added it to the note, and I would consult that note during my sessions. I’ve also found that when I’m not working towards something specific, I can get a little lost and my therapy sessions stop feeling generative. That’s why I now set goals with therapists and make a plan to regularly check in on my progress.
Q13
(Well-being) How do you balance hobbies with other hobbies? I have numerous things i want to learn/do, but i overthink which would be best and do nothing. How do you fight through that paralysis?
A:
Casey: Oooh I’m so curious about which hobbies you are interested in! As someone who has one hobby that very much dominates my free time (reading) but who also has other interests that I sometimes neglect, I could probably use some advice in this regard too. There is just so much interesting stuff in the world!
One idea that I think would help me and hopefully you is to embark on these new hobbies with someone else, or maybe even a group! Do you want to learn to knit and is there a local knitting group who meets regularly you can join? A book club at the library you can attend to get into reading? Do you have a friend who is interested in pottery who might want to take a class at the community centre with you?
I guess I’m thinking that finding out which hobbies are easily accessible right now via organized groups or classes and let that help you make the decision on what to try first! If there’s someone you can embark on the journey together even better! That way it will keep you accountable and motivated for a certain amount of time, like the length of a class.
If there’s an ongoing group you decide to attend, maybe you can set yourself a time to try it out, say two months of attending a biweekly knitting group, and then ask yourself if you love it or want to try something new instead. Depending on where you live, I think you could plan to check out new hobbies depending on the season too? Like certain indoor hobbies are good for wintertime but outdoor ones like gardening are only a spring and summer time thing.
Have fun and good luck with your new hobbies!
Himani: Oh, can I relate to this. I once downloaded Duo Lingo to start working on no less than four languages before I had to take a step back and be like “yea… I’m not going to learn anything at this rate…” There are two things I try to hold because I am always trying to do too damn much: life is a series of trade offs and no decision is ever permanent. Pick one activity to start — however you want to pick it, because it’s the thing you’ve wanted to do forever, it’s the thing that feels the easiest or most enjoyable or simply out of a hat — and commit to it. Let the others go, acknowledging that letting them go is not a permanent decision. This strategy, for me at least, has helped me do at least some things, even if I’m not doing all the things (or even most of the things) that I want to be doing. But it’s a way to get started while holding onto the idea that some day in the future I may do some of the other things. And at the same time, I have accepted certain trade-offs: instead of trying to improve my Hindi and Spanish and learn Japanese and Irish, I’ve committed to playing violin instead. Maybe in a different lifetime I’ll learn some of those languages, but it won’t be in this one, and that’s ok. And, also, maybe, in 20 or 30 years when I can no longer use my hands to play violin (I say this in all seriousness) I will actually learn one of those languages in my spare time. Who knows what the future will hold, but this is the trade off I’ve chosen in this moment.
Nicole: So, with hobbies (or really anything) you can go broad, or you can go deep. I think that so many of us have various, sprawling interests and a multitude of hobbies we’d be good at and enjoy but we also do not have an infinite amount of time (despite time not being real, which wow what a scam). Like Himani, I’ve had to choose what I’m going to focus on, and what I would love to do but am not going to do, for the sake of time, and so that I can engage in some activities really deeply rather than spread myself thin. So, though I would consider writing to be more work, if I have free time to be creative, even though I can paint and have enjoyed painting in the past, I am not going to paint. I am going to work on writing because I just can’t sustain both right now, not in a way that would be meaningful to me. I absolutely miss painting and may do it again someday, should I ever have the time, but I may not ever do it again because I’ve made my choices. I also have problems with my hands that are less exacerbated by a keyboard than they are by holding a paintbrush, so that’s another reason I made the choice to let painting go over a decade ago. I also don’t engage in any kind of a sustained drawing practice besides sometimes sketching and doodling, for all the same reasons. So, in that way, my answer is pretty similar to Himani’s in that I think it’s a good idea to choose to prioritize only a few hobbies or creative practices, and to sacrifice the ones you are okay with letting go.
Now, not everything requires the level of commitment that a serious writing or violin practice or tending a whole veggie garden might. Hobbies have different levels of commitment they require and different amounts of time that they take to do them well. I like to mix things up by including a smattering of lower-lift hobbies in my life. Kombucha brewing, for example, is mostly me peeking into the jar and pouring some out to taste every few days to see if it’s fermented enough. I’m not brewing a bunch at once and turning it into a whole operation. I’m not monetizing it or turning it into a business. I’m just brewing a gallon at a time or so. It’s fun and brings me satisfaction, has minimal startup costs, and really doesn’t take that much time. Similarly, if you like to bake, you don’t have to bake all the time. You can just pursue that hobby when you have a block of time and you’re running low on sweet treats. Clearly I am very food motivated, but also, hobbies that don’t require a ton of time can include things like journaling and scrapbooking, crocheting or knitting while watching TV or during downtime, doing a ten-minute drawing each day, making candles (my partner literally has to wait 4 weeks for oils to infuse and that is 100% passive time) — you get it. So, I think there is also a balance here where you might have 1-2 high intensity hobbies, and then a smattering of low-intensity activities that you only pick up when you feel like it or for a limited time every few weeks. I would just be realistic with yourself about what your priorities are, what gets to be a high intensity hobby and demand more of your focus, what gets relegated to a more low-intensity situation, and what you are simply not going to pursue. Okay and also, like everyone, I am dying to know what your hobbies are!!
Q14:
I meant to submit this for the Wellbeing themed advice box, but I totally spaced on the deadline 🙈 Nonetheless, I want to know: How do you start a new habit or a routine? What has worked well for you all? I remember that column you used to do where staff shared their morning routine/bedtime routine (LOVED THAT plZ bring it back!) and I was so in awe of people that like, have a routine and stick to doing positive self care things, like not reading emails on your phone first thing in the morning/waiting an hour or more before looking at a screen. I’d love to implement something like that for myself, but I feel like whenever I try a new habit or a routine it always fizzles out after a couple days or a week. Inevitably I get lazy, I skip doing it, and then I feel worse and don’t try again. Maybe this is a simple answer, like “just buckle down and do it, and do it again when you miss a day, and don’t give up.” In any case, I’d love to hear what’s worked for you in terms of implementing self care routines and making positive ongoing changes in your lives. (Especially amidst the overwhelm of everything right now) Thank you bunches💜💜💜
A:
Casey: That was a great column wasn’t it! I will say it’s a good idea to keep in mind that a significant amount of people sharing their routines there are self-employed / freelance and I think sticking to an am routine when your schedule is more flexible makes it a lot easier. So if you’re a 9-5er like me, go easy on yourself!
Okay back to your actual question. I want to talk specifically about not reading emails on your phone first thing / not having screen time for the first hour you wake up. The great and also awful thing about smart phones is they’re like 10+ devices in one. You pick up your phone to say, use the calculator, and end up scrolling insta. It’s made to distract you!! I bet you are using your phone as an alarm clock like pretty much all of us do. That makes the first thing you do every morning is look at your phone! Maybe you also listen to music via your phone in the morning while you’re getting ready, or use it for other tasks like checking the weather to decide what to wear, etc.
My suggestion is to stop using your phone for these morning tasks! Get yourself a cute little alarm clock to put on your nightstand. Hardly anyone uses them any more, I bet there are cool ones for cheap at the thrift store. Break out your old CD player / ipod to play some music. Go open a window or your front door to check the weather. Can you get some books from the library to read if you like to read before bedtime? Any non-phone alternative you can come up with to replace what you normally use your phone for in the morning and at bedtime.
Plug your phone in to charge overnight, if possible, outside your bedroom or at the very least not reachable from your bed. Going to get your phone then is something you have to intentionally do when you’ve done your AM/PM routine.
I also suggest putting your phone in airplane mode overnight. Do it before your bedtime routine. That way, if you accidentally or out of habit look at it before you’re ready, there won’t be any notifications. You won’t even be able to open any apps. If you absolutely need your phone to, say, listen to a podcast if that’s important to you as part of your morning, download it the evening before so you can play it while leaving your phone on airplane mode.
I hope that getting rid of phone / screen time in the morning will help you focus on a morning and evening routine of self-care! I also definitely think you have the right idea in not giving up if you miss a day or two of your routine. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself and pick it back up. If you find you’re skipping or missing it a lot, is the routine maybe too lengthy or complicated? It might be a sign to simplify.
Wishing you soothing morning routines!
Nicole: This is just some solidarity from someone who completely overhauls my routine…routinely. While there are a few staples in my day (I brush my teeth and apply sunscreen, always bring my girlfriend coffee in bed unless we’re going somewhere first thing, and I almost always cook us a full breakfast) I can never stick with any other aspects of a morning routine for long and I’ve just accepted that maybe I just don’t like doing that.
One thing that has surprisingly worked well for me is choosing 1-2 days a week for self-care or goal-oriented morning routine stuff. This might work for you. What if Wednesday mornings were the days you got up, went for a walk and did a full skincare routine when you got back? Just Wednesdays? That seems so much more achievable than every day. If you feel like adding more days, or doing different things on different days (on Fridays maybe you read for 20 minutes before you get up, for example), then that keeps it different enough that you don’t feel like you’re trying to force yourself into a routine every day for the rest of your life and it makes it so that if you skip, it’s not the end of the world. It also splits up the things you want to do for self-care across multiple days so you’re not trying to cram everything in and you can use your limited time to focus on just one or two things. And then, if you want to just look at your phone for an hour on Tuesdays because Tuesdays are not self-care / big routine days, well, no guilt there. We can’t be perfect, and I think that the pursuit of perfection is a mistake that traps us into feeling guilty or shamey when we could be doing or feeling literally anything else.
Another thing to try would be to create several routines for yourself, one for low-energy days, one for mid-energy days, and one for high-energy times. Feeling tired? It’s time for a tired day. Feeling zippy? Time for that extra bit of working on your hobby this morning instead of looking at your phone. Your body has its own rhythms, too, and I think one of the hurdles I face in terms of having an absolutely standard morning routine is that my body definitely does not agree with me that we should be feeling a standard way on a standard day, so I am constantly balancing around that flow of energy and stamina.
So, my recommendation is to ease into it. Maybe go for bite-sized moments of self-care, moments of routine, routines that are pre-packaged that you pull out on days when you feel they’re achievable.
Finally, if you’re looking to ditch your phone in terms of using it as an alarm, I have one of those sunrise alarm clocks and it’s pretty helpful for getting me to wake the fuck up. Although, I have a lot of trouble waking up and am a chronic alarm-shutter-offer (in my sleep!), so I also have to put my phone out of reach and set like 5 alarms on it as a backup to the clock’s 2, but maybe that is not you and you can put your phone elsewhere and just use a nifty little clock so you can wake up without looking at your phone first thing. Good luck with your routines!!
Q15:
Editor’s Note: the following question contains mentions of weight loss, calorie-counting and food-shaming and fat-shaming.
I’ve been with my gf a few years and we live together including groceries, going out to eat, etc. She’s always been overweight (medically speaking) and actually had weight loss surgery as a teenager (before I met her) and still has physical (not to mention emotional) side effects from it.
I have always been smaller in weight though we’re about the same height. I eat more than my gf in general (largely because of her surgery) and she can be pretty hurtful about it and doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from. She’ll talk about calories or what’s “needed” or how much is necessary (she insists a person of our height could be fine and balanced with 1,000 calories a day for example) and it always upsets me and feels like fatshaming. She often comments that I eat more/faster/etc than she does… but at the same time will often say I can have her leftovers or that I should “enjoy” something without her, etc.
I truly don’t know how to get through to her because every time I tell her that her comments make me feel ashamed or bad about myself/insecure, she tells me that’s “on me” and that she would know if she was being shamey because she’s actually experienced it, and she insists when she talks about things like calories or weight loss it’s not about me but in general.
Am I being unreasonable here, given I am not (medically speaking) overweight/recommended for weight loss surgery in the way she has been? I just wish she could understand how insecure the comments make me and IDK how to get her to understand it.
A:
Darcy: Let’s start here: due to her bariatric surgery, your girlfriend has a medical difference from you. Her doctors and/or nutritionist, who are aware of her medical history and circumstances, have advised her how to eat. That’s just fine. BUT: People without that difference in their gastrointestinal system should absolutely not be consuming only 1000 calories per day. There cannot be a meaningful comparison between the amount of calories that you consume (and whether you choose to track them) and what your girlfriend eats. It’s apples and oranges.
I’m so sorry that your girlfriend has dismissed your needs around how she talks about what you eat. It sounds like her triggers around food have eclipsed her ability to hear you when you try to assert those needs. The fact that you aren’t fat does NOT mean that your girlfriend can’t hurt you by remarking on what or how you eat, and the fact that she has experienced fat shaming or food shaming in her life does not make it impossible for her to food shame you.
I’m wondering if you can have a talk where you set a hard boundary around food and body talk. It’s a boundary I’ve had to set at times with people I loved. That boundary would include talk about calories, body fat, the healthfulness of certain foods, the speed at which people eat, etc. You live together, and eat together, so it wouldn’t involve value-neutral food talk. Of course you’d keep saying things to one another like “Where should we eat?” “Does Costco still have those rotisserie chickens?” and “I really hate rutabagas.” But talk like “this has X number of calories,” “you really wolfed that down!” and “I’m thinking we should try that white wine diet from 1955″ would absolutely have to stop.
I realize your girlfriend hasn’t heard you before when you’ve tried to talk about this, but the thing about a hard boundary is that it governs your choices, not hers. So you set the boundary, and if she ignores it, you disengage. If she starts to talk in those ways at a meal, you might ask her to stop; if she doesn’t, you might then choose to leave the room, effectively ending the conversation.
Finally, I wanted to say that I’m sorry your girlfriend has gone through this trauma around body weight and nutrition. It seems really significant that she went through a procedure of this sort, which almost always has its own health and mental health implications, at such a young age. I hope that she’s able to find some support for what she’s been through. If counseling and/or a support group of people who have undergone bariatric surgery is available, they might help her start to move through some of her own experiences, without bringing your habits unnecessarily into the mix.
Himani: My friend, I say this with a lot of love (and Darcy is a far more understanding person than I am), but I can’t read your letter without thinking that your girlfriend is treating you really poorly. “Every time I tell her that her comments make me feel ashamed or bad about myself/insecure, she tells me that’s ‘on me’ and that she would know if she was being shamey because she’s actually experienced it.” This sounds like pretty classic gaslighting, IMO.
Maybe that’s an extreme way to put it, but given that your girlfriend hasn’t been hearing you, I think maybe you should consider the extent to which this relationship is continuing to serve you. I know you’re writing in about only one angle of your relationship and maybe she’s really great and supportive in other ways. I think Darcy’s suggestion of the hard boundary is a great place to start. If she really is not listening, you might also seek out couple’s counseling if you have the means. But more than anything, I think you need to center yourself in terms of how your girlfriend is making you feel with (a) how she’s treating you and the things she’s saying and (b) her unwillingness to even try to understand or acknowledge your perspective.
Darcy: Jumping back in quickly to say that Himani is absolutely right. If it’s not clear from what I said above, I’ll make it clear now: The fact that your girlfriend has gone through trauma around food and weight does not make it ok in any way for her to now project that on to you.
Q16:
Editor’s note: the following question contains mentions of parental death and grief.
My Dad died last fall after a long period of illness and I’ve really struggled with it. I still with my Mom, who has had some health issues since my Dad’s death, recently cumulating with her spend almost two weeks in the hospital. She’s probably coming home soon and with the help she’s gotten, she’ll probably be healthier than she has in a long time. But her hospital stay triggered some feelings and paranoia leftover my dad’s death. I’m just wondering if you have advice her how to stop being consistently paranoid my mom is going to die once she’s better.
A:
Katie: First, I am so sorry for your loss and all of these difficult things it is bringing up. I have a lot of medical trauma about myself and members of my family and I want you to know that these fears are valid even if they might not be rational. You just went through a very difficult and traumatic and painful thing and everything in your body and soul is on guard trying to protect you from that thing happening again. You body’s evolution is setting off alarm bells and that is completely normal and fine even if it sucks. I recommend finding a therapist that has experience with grief and trauma to talk to and get help from. If you don’t have insurance you might be able to find an option through a local non-profit, LGBT center, or a university that might offer low cost services if you’re willing to work with someone who is still in training. For now, it might help you start noticing when these fears are coming up and keeping a record of what triggered it.
