Welcome to the 49th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.

Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed, like this one! The general Into the A+ Advice Box where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month. Get those questions on ANY topic in soon!

So, let’s dig in!

Q1:

For the holiday advice box!

This is a *very minor* advice question, but! Do you have any recommendations for winter/solstice/holiday/christmas music that is instrumental/ambient/witchy/relaxing? I keep landing on Enya’s christmas album, which is totally fine and great but I’d love more recs if you have them! Anything good to put on in the background while I’m baking, crafting, grinding mulling spices, that makes me feel like I’m in an old witch preparing for winter. Any Celtic/Irish/Nordic folk-ish music is totally in this vibe too. Also not opposed to like, pretty hymns (as a former church kid, banger classics like “Oh Holy Night” still can make me 😭)

Thanks for fielding this odd request! I guess I’m just curious in general too, what music do ya’ll like to listen to in these winter months?

A:

Ro: Ok, hear me out: the 1997 album Celtic Christmas, Volume III, holds UP. I became obsessed with this album as a child and have been listening to it every December ever since.

Other winter music I love:
Little Earthquakes – Tori Amos
Alone At Last – Tasha
Birth of Violence – Chelsea Wolfe
Anything by Ella Fitzgerald

Meg: Okay I absolutely LOVE holiday instrumentals! I made a Spotify playlist on this very concept for my date-night-in guide, but I also love:

A Simple Christmas – Tiffany Hobson
A Dave Brubeck Christmas – Dave Brubeck
Warmer in the Winter – Lindsey Stirling
Winter: A Meditation – Aine Minogue

Kayla: I love all of the above suggestions! Also wanted to add: Vince Guardaldi’s A Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack! There is ONE song with vocals (“Christmas Time Is Here”) but the rest are instrumentals. Real jazzy vibes.

Nicole: I just so happen to be dating a musician, who did a good, solid Most of the Work on this playlist, just to be up front here. Although I do also love this list and many of these musicians, the specific song selection and order was 90% her. This definitely gets away from witchy and heads toward something more wintery / whimsical / maybe sometimes mystical (Sadie says she hopes it feels like the stillness of a fresh layer of snow). We hope you enjoy 💙 And also I recommend Myrkur’s entire album Folkesange for this, too :)

P.S. I have no idea why the last tracks don’t show up in the preview. There are 32 songs total.

Q2:

Alright, so here’s a bit of a dramatic holiday ask for you all: breaking up over the holidays. I (she/her) been in a casual situationship for the past few months, and while not acrimonious, after talking some things through with my therapist and some friends, came to the conclusion that I want to break things off. Unfortunately, the only time I would have had to do that was right before I was leaving for a long holiday trip. I had scheduled a time to meet up because I felt that the situation deserved a face-to-face conversation. Well, in true lesbian drama fashion that didn’t work out. The person cancelled the meet up and, via text, gave me some medical information on what they’re going through. I wanted to be kind and supportive, so I thanked them for telling me and didn’t break things off. The problem is that now I am a few days into the family trip and absolutely wracked with anxiety and guilt over the situation. I’ve been keeping up with texting like we have been, and I feel like I would be cruel if I broke things off over text, but I also feel like I’m stringing them along by continuing to act as if everything is fine. I also worry that this will come off as me breaking things off because of the medical news, which is not the case but would also feel like a pretty crappy thing to do. So, do I just suck it up and do it over text? Or spend the rest of my trip dreading the conversation I know I have to have? Because of family stuff a call would be really difficult to arrange, so I feel like text or waiting are my only options. I want to be as kind as possible but I also know it has to end. Help?

A:

Ro: You have a phone! You can make an actual, real phone call or a FaceTime call to break things off with this person. It’s not ideal, but it’s better than doing it via text or leading them on until you return. Their feelings might be hurt, but that happens sometimes. It sounds like you’re invested in ending this situationship in a kind and respectful way, and if you communicate your. needs clearly and honestly, this might go better than what you’re anticipating.

Meg: I absolutely agree with Ro — set up a call and be honest. It may not be your top preference but I think continuing to pretend is only going to make this situation more painful for both of you. Even if it’s difficult to arrange, it’ll be worth the effort.

Kayla: Agree with all of the above. Make the phone call, even if it means awkwardly walking away from your family. Tell them you have something personal to take care of or whatever excuse would work for you. Also, just know that you have no real control over how the other person takes this or perceives this. Unfortunately, that’s just how breakups go! Set some boundaries, communicate, and be respectful. That’s all you can really do!

Q3:

Hello I am a gay sort of in need of holiday advice!! I have been dating this girl I am super into for like slightly over a month. We haven’t dtr’d anything yet, but it feels like it is headed that way. We both aren’t planning to travel to see family this year, and I really want to spend my holidays with her. But I have never really dated anyone and don’t know if thats like “too much” to want so early on? I know the real solution is to have a convo with her about it and discuss our feelings and plans, but I also just sort of want some affirmation that I’m not acting wild for wanting to have a cute romantic holiday together?? Also my housemates will be around for the holidays and i don’t want to be a bad friend by ditching them to hang out with her but…. that is what my gay little heart wants to do!

A:

Meg: I don’t think it’s strange to want to do a holiday with someone you’ve been seeing, especially if neither of you are traveling to visit family! Having a conversation with her is the move here — doing something cute and romantic doesn’t mean it has to be automatically intense or serious. Ask her if she already has plans, what she normally likes to do around the holidays, if there are any particular traditions she wants to recreate. And if you’re stressed out about it being just the two of you, you can always suggest that she join you and your housemates for a holiday movie, dinner, or anything else.

Kayla: You can def ask this person to spend the holidays with you! It doesn’t even need to be a super serious/formal convo or DTR situation if you’re not there yet. You can just be like “hey do you have holiday plans?” and see what’s up! And feel free to propose plans! It’s def not weird or “too soon” or anything like that.

Q4:

Do you have any advice on how to handle rando coworker well wishes and what-are-you-doing-for-Christmases when actually it’s just a traumatic time for you because you’re estranged from your extended family and have to deal with the fact that your mother would rather not make a bunch of literal Q-Anon supporters uncomfortable (“we never let politics come in the way of family!”) than protect you (a person who finds that her mother’s unwillingness to engage in “politics” is actually a form of politics that is getting in the way of her familial relationship with her first born, but I digress)? I kind of almost started crying at work a few years ago when my boss innocently asked me if I had any plans and would like to avoid that in the future. FWIW, I am an atheist and I’m more than happy to just have a day off work to hang with my cat and honestly wouldn’t want to go even if it was the good part of the fam… but I have a hard time with my mother’s choice of not-rocking-the-boat with her shitty cousins over my emotional well-being.

A:

Kayla: I’m sorry. This situation sucks. It will likely continue to feel bad, and while you can set boundaries with people you know and let them know you don’t really like talking about or being asked about the holidays, it’s harder when it comes to rando coworkers. People might just still ask or say things. And it’s going to feel bad. There’s no real expiration date on that kind of hurt unfortunately. Even if it has nothing to do with the actual holiday or the ways you used to celebrate it, creating new rituals of your own and focusing on the people in your life who do love and support you can maybe help ease some of the hurt. Be easy on yourself. <3

Nicole: I don’t think there’s much you can do to stop people from asking the questions, but I wonder if you could do something like come up with a stock answer for a few of the common ones. Coworker asks what you’re doing for the holidays and you can say, “I’m watching my favorite movies with my cat!” Memorize it, don’t expand on it, and try to immediately turn the focus back on your coworker, ask them about their plans, listen politely, and get out of the conversation as soon as you can! The idea here is that maybe you can just not have to mentally engage with a script you’ve memorized. I don’t know if it will work for you but I thought I’d mention it. I’m sorry this time of year is so hard. Sending you love.

Q5:

Hello this is for the Holigay Advice column.

This is my first Christmas without my Dad, who died two months ago. It will just be my Mom and me, and we’re not sure what to do. We don’t want to do all of our old traditions but we think we’ll regret it if we don’t do anything. A lot of things I’ve been looking at suggest having a friend to check in with and I feel that would probably help me but it seems wrong to potentially ruin somebody else’s Christmas by bringing them down. Do have any advice about navigating the holidays under these circumstances?

A:

Nicole: I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. Thank you for writing in. First, personally, if a friend asked me to check in with them on Christmas, I would be so happy that this person verbalized a way that I could be a good friend to them! Although, to be fair, I’m not doing much on Christmas day proper so maybe pick a friend who you know might be in that situation? And I think you can make this easier on whatever friend you ask by being specific about what you need, such as letting them know that you just need a 30 minute check-in call, or saying you might want to text a little bit over the course of the night or maybe that it would just be helpful if they sent you silly pictures of cats and asked how you were once in a while. Being up front and specific will help them plan ahead so that they can celebrate the holidays and also be supportive.

I also agree with finding a balance in terms of traditions. Focus on what will be the least stressful, and maybe just choose the traditions that you and your mom enjoy the most. The rest will be there when or if you want to take them up again. Make room for grief, too, and be gentle with yourself and your mom.

I also recommend reading “Grief Is a Promise” by Sarah (SC) Dillon and Vanessa’s incredible series, ““BLANK With My Grief”.” I also hope that some other folks will join in and offer thoughts and support in the comments! Sending so much love to you and your mom!

Q6:

How do you turn down offers to spend time with people during the holidays? (Family and friends alike) Especially when there’s like, *one* person in a group you don’t wanna hang out with (ie my sister’s annoying boyfriend)? Is there ever a time to tell a sibling you think their significant other is a pain in the ass? Apply this to any configuration of family and friend examples you might conceive of! TYSM!

A:

Ro: You don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you don’t want to do something. Of course, some people — especially family members — demand an explanation, but in my experience, that’s less likely to happen if you’re able to present an alternative (“I’m not available for that dinner party, but I’d love to have a night for just the two of us to catch up”). That way, you get to spend time with the person or people you actually like, they get to spend time with you AND you avoid the folks you don’t want to see.

If you want to tell your sister that you don’t like spending time with her boyfriend, that could be a tough conversation, and she’ll probably get defensive. I don’t know enough about why you don’t like him to give you clear advice on this. Maybe you’re just bored to tears by everything he says. But if you think he isn’t treating your sister with respect and you think she’ll be willing to listen to your feedback, then that seems worth addressing.

Kayla: I think your best course of action is to just say you don’t want to hang out and distance yourself from the person you don’t want to be around. I used to be scared to opt out of family stuff, and then I started doing it, and it was easier than I thought it would be (not easy all the time, but definitely something I’ve learned to navigate with practice!). And I agree with Ro: Without knowing the specifics of why you don’t want to hang out with him, I don’t really know how to give you advice on whether to talk to or not talk to your sister. I think you would have to consider the possibility that your relationship with your sister would fundamentally change if you tried to have this conversation. And is it worth that? Maybe it is! Again, this feels super case-by-case.

Q7:

My son started PreK this fall at our neighborhood public school, and his class and teacher have been pretty great, but the stuff from the school’s parent fundraising group (whose existence I already feel kinda weird about about) is all PAINFULLY gendered. An email about the capitalist nightmare that is apparently the school’s “Winter Wonderland” is just the most recent example, “We are always in need of more items, especially men’s items. Things like toolkits, scarves, ice scrapers, cologne, ties, any sort of gadget or knickknack a dad might like.” Earlier in the year there were moms’ night and dads’ night fundraisers with super gender-stereotyped language—we did not go. As an agender, introverted parent I’m super squicked out by all of this, but I’m also at a loss whether/how to say anything. We’re hoping that my son will be at this school for the next 5-8 years, which on the one hand feels like a reason to speak up, and on the other hand makes me more worried about doing it wrong somehow and making things harder for him and us. Help!?

A:

Nicole: I’m deeply puzzled by the fact that an ice scraper is an item dads are supposed to like specifically, as opposed to something everyone might just need? I think that if you were to approach someone about this, that it’s important to remember that this kind of stereotypical gendering harms everyone. It doesn’t set a good example for any of the kids, and it likely makes some other parents (even cishet ones) uncomfortable, too. Are you in touch with any other parents in your son’s class? Maybe you could start some conversations and get some backup, then talk to the school about it? I know that starting the conversation with other parents might be less than desirable as an introvert, but I’m hoping that by taking that step first, that then talking with the right people (I don’t know if this is teachers, for you, or attending a PTA meeting or what have you) might go easier if you have some other folks who can also speak up about this aggressive gender stereotyping. It’s hard, but you’re honestly only improving things for the kids who don’t need to be surrounded by that stuff. Good luck!!

Q8:

Hi! I have been out to my friends and siblings for the last three years, but JUST came out to my parents as a lesbian over Thanksgiving. My mom, an evangelical, had a predictably bad reaction to my “news” (although, of course, she had known for years…I just never admitted it to her). She’s extremely homophobic under the guise of “speaking the truth in love.” She is, however, other than this flaw- a lovely and wonderful person. She is fun, caring, and I love her.

She can also be emotionally volatile and unpredictable. She refuses to try therapy because she “doesn’t need it” (but she sent all her kids to therapy as teens lol). After her big emotional reaction when I came out, we spoke very little for about a week, and then we saw each other and she acted like MY COMING OUT NEVER HAPPENED. Totally brushed it under the rug, acted normal and upbeat, etc. No mention of her anger the previous week, or her weeping over my gayness. I feel insane.

Anyway. There’s the context. My question is this. Christmas is approaching and I will join the rest of the family at my parents’ house. My adult siblings and their spouses are supportive. My mom is homophobic and a wild card. My dad is cautiously supportive but wants to keep the peace. My youngest siblings are teens, and my mom made it clear that they are NOT to be told this “secret.” How can I navigate this horribly vulnerable and chaotic post-coming out world during the holidays? How do I celebrate and still feel like myself? How do I love my mom without letting her walk all over me? Help!!! Can you fix my life?

A:

Ro: Your mom doesn’t get to decide who you come out to and when — that’s your choice. So if you would feel better sharing this exciting fact about yourself with your teen siblings (and if you think they’d probably respond well AND if you’re not financially dependent on your mom), then go for it. Your younger siblings will probably figure it out on their own anyway. Your mom might be angry that you went against her wishes, so if you go this route, you’re risking an uproar. BUT coming out to everyone in your family might mean that you have more allies who can defend you if you mom says anything homophobic, whether that happens in front of you or behind your back.

Here are some other strategies that might make your Christmas a little easier:

1. It sounds like your adult siblings and their spouses are willing to support you. Talk to them ahead of time and ask for their support in specific ways. Do you want them to defend you against homophobic comments from your mom? Do you want them to openly express their support for you in front of your mom? Or something else?
2. Plan a shorter trip. It sounds like you might have a tough time being in this environment. If you were initially planning on visiting your family for multiple days, shoot for one day instead.
3. Don’t go. You don’t have to be around family members who belittle you. If you think it would feel good to take a break from your mom right now, that’s a valid choice. Maybe you can plan a separate holiday gathering with your friends or siblings where you won’t have to be bombarded with homophobia and emotional outbursts.

Q9:

I need some fashion help for the holigays. When it’s cold outside, I never know what to wear to a party or other event where I have to dress up a little more than jeans and a flannel shirt. Dresses and skirts are not for me, but neither are suits or the more formal versions of traditional menswear. Any advice on how to dress up for the holigays in a way that’s more in the middle of the gender spectrum?

A:

Ro: Hello! I’m a perpetually cold, androgynous queer who absolutely loathes “fancy” clothes. This year I discovered cardigans, and they are saving my life. They make my casual outfits look a little more dressed up, they keep me warm, they’re available in fabrics that are soft and comfortable and many of them have pockets (and my god do I love a pocket). You can also opt for a blazer or a nice bomber jacket over a button up shirt or T-shirt. And if you’re a jewelry person, throwing on some rings can make you look a little fancier, too.

Meg: I am absolutely team blazer (or cardigan, re: Ro’s excellent advice!), because you can mix and match every single thing to suit the event in question. I have a few different blazers: one that’s just a plain black, one that’s velvet, one that’s leather, and one with tuxedo-style lapels, and I wear them with jeans, bodysuits, tank tops, jumpsuits, button-down shirts, or just a bra top based on where I’m going. You can get really fun patterns and styles, or you can keep it classic with solid colors, but it’s a really easy way to dress up your regular look without investing in something that you’ll never wear otherwise.

Nicole: I definitely agree with the blazer / cardigan recommendations from Meg and Ro! I also wanted to add that shoes are a big factor here. Weather allowing (or wear snow boots and bring shoes with you if you can), you can combine a stylish pair of brogue or oxford shoes or a pair of loafers with a dark wash pair of jeans and a seasonally appropriate sweater to have a look that’s a little more dressed up, but still comfortable and not super formal. I feel like there are a lot of ways you can play with the details here, from exploring different options in type of sweater, and whether it’s alone or layered over a collared shirt. Your shoes can really run the gamut from traditional to contemporary takes (think the difference between brown leather loafers vs metallic silver ones). Plus, if you get a pair of jeans and a pair of shoes that work for your style, you can just rotate through a few different sweaters. Depending on your budget, items like a simple chain necklace, rings or a cuff bracelet can also add a little shine to an outfit without making it especially femme or masc.

Q10:

For the Holigays advice box: Favorite homemade gifts you’ve received/given over the years, and/or other homemade gift ideas? I’ve made butter, mulling spices, dip/seasoning mixes, simple syrups, and other gifts for family members the last 5 yrs or so and am looking for more advice and ideas. Thank you one and all!!

A:

Ro: I love making lip balm (here’s an easy recipe) and printing my own labels for it. It’s a great stocking stuffer! I also love making baked goods, infused olive oil, infused liquor and playlists. And for my girlfriend’s birthday earlier this year, I made a video compilation of birthday greetings from her friends and family all over the world.

Kayla: For someone who likes cozy vibes: bath salts or a salt scrub or a bath bomb! For a baker: vanilla extract! For someone who likes a pretty/rustic home aesthetic: dried floral arrangements. For a reader/writer: pressed flower bookmarks.

Nicole: If you have a favorite baking recipe, you can also make your own mixes, pack them in jars with directions. Another amazing gift idea I’ve seen was when someone (not me) compiled a family recipe book, with favorite recipes from each family member, printed it out, bound it (you could use a metal ring) and gave everyone their own copy.

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