Feature image from The Gender Spectrum Collection by Broadly

Welcome to the 39th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now, with the second A+ box of each month on a theme. This month’s theme is FASHION!

August’s theme is MAKING ADULT FRIENDS! Send us your questions about meeting people, initiating friendships, and navigating the wild world of making friends as a gay adult! Try to get your questions in by MONDAY AUGUST 9 so they can be included.

And just as an FYI, you do in fact look fantastic today ;) Let’s dig in!

Q1:

hello!! i have a two-part question re: FASHION. i am in my mid-twenties and realizing that presenting in a more butch way feels significantly more like Me. i’m shifting my wardobe and it has been generally fun!! i am struggling with two things and would love the AS team’s takes:

-bags for butches?? i have some large leather bags (but those read as Professional Girlboss in a way i don’t like) and some crossbody bags (they exude late teens energy) and totes (including the have a nice gay from the AS fundraiser recently, ty!!). generally i go for a tote but sometimes it doesn’t feel dressy enough for like, going out with my girlfriend?

-what kind of tops would you recommend that are not of the standard masc lesbian printed short-sleeved button-down variety?

thanks, y’all!

A:

Himani: On the question about bags, in the last year or so, I’ve become a huge fan of fanny packs. So convenient and so low profile. I bought this one from REI to travel before the pandemic. (They even sell the same style in print patterns now!) I appreciate that it has multiple pockets which helps keep things organized, without being too bulky. Also, I learned from another fanny-packing using friend that not all fanny packs come with the loops to keep the ends of the straps from dangling — definitely a key feature to keep an out for when you’re on the market. If I need to carry more things (like a water bottle or a book) then I opt for a small backpack.

Kayla: Ok bags first. These are on the pricier end, but they’re functional, versatile, and well designed: Peak Design’s Everyday Tote and Everyday Sling. They’re geared toward photographers, but the multiple pockets/organizational layout of them is great for carrying around just about anything. Again, pricey! But if it’s something you can see yourself using a lot, this is going to hold up. If you’re into the crossbody bag but want something that feels a little more butch and grownup, I recommend searching for crossbodies with a wide strap. Brands like Target, ASOS, and Urban Outfitters should all have options. Also, there are a lot of leather bag options on Etsy that range in style, size, and price.

As for tops, here are some things you can try out (I’ve linked some specific options just so you can have a visual, but you can also just use these search terms broadly): Solid polos, sleeveless mocknecks, sleeveless denim buttondowns, linen buttondowns. I also follow a bunch of thrifting accounts on Instagram, like @anxietymarketplace, if you’re looking for a slightly more sustainable option for where to score cute shirts. It will require some sifting through!

Q2:

How do you keep button-ups from riding up??? I got suspenders to avoid constantly hiking my pants up, but now I’m just constantly tucking my shirts in instead.

A:

Kayla: It’s hard to answer this question without more details, but my initial thought is that it might be the fit of the shirts that’s causing them to ride up. If you’re not wanting to tuck your shirt, you can maybe try a looser fit. Use search terms like “buttondown boxy fit” or “buttondown loose fit” to find some options. I personally don’t like a lot of “women’s”-labeled buttondowns because they’re too fitted or have a bunch of darts, but I also struggle with “men’s”-labeled buttondowns because they’re too tight in the hips. So I often have to try a bunch of things out, and when I find a brand/size/style that works, I’ll buy multiple of the same shirt. I’ve had some luck with H&M, Gap, and Old Navy. But yeah I tend to seek out “boxy fit.” Shelli has mentioned tailoring in some of the answers throughout this post, and I think that could be a potential option for you, too!

Q3:

Hi, I’m looking for fashion advice! A dear AMAB friend is starting to explore their transfeminine side– including dressing up in more traditionally women’s clothing. They are on the curvier and hairier side of the spectrum. I’m looking for fashion advice– what would look good on them? Alok has done some wonderful work with reclaiming facial and body hair, but Alok is pretty slim. Ideas for somebody a bit curvier? Thanks!

A:

Shelli This is hard to answer without it coming directly from your friend and them asking what they are looking for. I am on the side of if you think it looks good on you — then wear it. I am a high femme dressing person but I also dress a bit more masc from time because I enjoy looking like a little bit of occasional fuck boi. But back to your homie, listen, it’s literally always going to be harder to find dope clothes as a curvier/fatter person and you just gotta do the work. I’ll mainly answer from the point of sizing and femininity ‘cos imo being hairy shouldn’t stop anyone from wearing shit and they can reclaim that part if they so wish by wearing clothes that expose their legs, arms, armpits etc.

If they want to do the same with their facial hair (reclamation) then of course things like jewelry and makeup (I love Colourpop and Trixie Cosmetics and ESPECIALLY beauty bakerie) will draw attention to their face! I do suggest the company Bevel, it’s a company that makes shaving and skincare products for for Black skin (well, they aim it at Black men but I know plenty of folks who aren’t cishet Black men who use it), ‘cos even if they don’t wanna shave they can use so many of their products to keep their beard/stache looking healthy, glowing and sexy!

Now when it comes to finding clothes that not only fit but are your friend’s style, that can be costly when you’re first exploring. Find some folks that have a style vibe they wanna start with and then well — get to building their own version. It involves a lot of patience and may take time to find their styling groove. I have a very big wardrobe filled with clothes that are mad expensive to things that cost me next to nothing. I learned a long time ago that mixing and matching is key. So, have them start out with places like ASOS that have lotsa sizing options AND a very generous return policy. The styles on the site vary and finding some core fun pieces to have in their wardrobe will be helpful. Next, move on to Everlane for various types of denim that I love as a big bitch. I have baggy curvy denim from them, fitted high waisted ones that are wonderful and much more — also Everlane is the place I’ve found best for basic pieces like simple tees, cute dresses and sneakers that everyone needs.

Thrift Shopping and Vintage shopping is a pain in the ass as a curvier person. Sizing was different in different eras for vintage stuff, and very thin white folks take all the fat sizes from thrift stores. That being said, don’t rule it out, get to know your local vintage store owners and tell them your sizes and ask for them to let you know when stuff comes in. As for thrift stores — you just gotta get there first, show up in something that makes it easy to try on stuff, and make sure you have time and a good playlist ‘cos thrift shopping as a fat femme aint no easy feat.

Lastly, don’t be afraid of fast fashion places like Fashion Nova Curve & Shein. I have plenty of pieces from those places that I mix with my more expensive things and that have lasted a while (A lot of it is just simply taking care of things like, obvs). Some folks have qualms with them that I do understand but not everyone has the money to get their entire wardrobe from Chanel but also deserve to look cute. It will be hit or miss with these places though so that’s why I recommend going to it last after they have built up a significant amount of wardrobe.

Your friend is gonna have a time shopping ‘cos they are curvier and the fashion world doesn’t make it easier on us, and them being on this fashion journey discovering new clothing will be fun but also difficult. I’d recommend scouring through social media and following AMAB folks who are also exploring their transfeminine side to encourage them stylewise and in other ways — in those comments under one person’s photo they may find community.

Finding your own style takes time, and it can change from day to day. Have fun with it, explore, reject, accept and make all your own rules. And mainly remember — if you like it and think you look good in it then fuck what some negative person has to say. You can always use this line if they talk shit — “I mean, if YOU can’t dress then you should have just said that.”

Himani: Shelli has covered so much valuable ground here. One thing I want to suggest is, if your friend is interested in wearing dresses, I think a-line dresses with a high waist can look really incredible on a variety of body types. To give you some ideas of what I mean (in case I’m using “a-line dress” incorrectly…), here are a few examples from Shein: one, two, three (this one has the added advantage of being a wrap dress, which is another really flattering style to try out). In terms of body hair, if your friend is still working on reclaiming these, cardigans and leggings are really helpful. (I say this as a cis woman who has fully stopped shaving but am still incredibly self-conscious about wearing skirts, dresses and tank tops.) Obviously, in the summer wearing all those layers is not practical, but I once found a very, very thin long-sleeve cardigan which I absolutely cherish for wearing in the summer time with a tank top when I’m in a situation where I feel particularly self-aware about it.

KaeLyn: Shelli, you are amazing and I have benefited personally from the style advice you just gave! I would add that your friend may want to look for AMAB queer specifically fat fashion influencers on social media and even just generally fat femme fashion accounts of all genders for style inspiration. I learn a lot about my style by seeing how other people are wearing current styles on similar body types to mine.

Also, depending on what your friend’s style is, Universal Standard has some good core pieces and also a truly wide range of sizes. They’re a little pricier, but if their looks are a good match for your friend, they offer a capsule wardrobe as a set with a 20% discount, so your friend could easily get a bunch of classic mix and match pieces to start their more feminine wardrobe from and always have something easy to wear as they build out a larger wardrobe. Finally, Poshmark can be a place to score gently-used high-end plus-sized clothes and accessories for less than you’d pay retail and you can thrift shop from home!

Q5:

So excited you’re doing a fashion Ask Us Anything! My question is about the classic T-shirt. I despise all “women’s” shirts as the fabric is always too thin and the shirt too fitted, even in a size up. What “men’s” T-shirt brands/styles would you recommend for someone who likes an oversized fit but also wants to look stylish/put together? (Wildfang used to have T-shirts that fit the bill but they’re not selling any at the moment.) Would prefer stores that aren’t *too* big box/fast fashion, but still reasonably priced ($25-$50/shirt?). Would be into cool patterns or interesting solids. Thanks!

A:

Kayla: It’s on the higher end of your price range, but the first place that came to mind is Big Bud Press, which makes very fun tees with a loose fit—ranging from solids to cool patterns! Universal Standard is pretty great when it comes to classic t-shirt designs, but you’ll have to sift through a little more to find their “relaxed fit” styles (I also do not care for tees that are too fitted!). These suggestions might be a little too big-box/fast-fashion, but Topman—which is now owned by ASOS—has t-shirt multipacks that have a nice loose fit; Uniqlo has nice basics/tee options (in both the “mens” and “womens” sections); and Karla Welch’s collaboration with Hanes (especially “the classic”) is a crisp if minimalist (only available in gray, black, and white) look. Also they are pricey, but I just came across these reversible (!!!) tees that look pretty cool and are from a smaller brand.

Shelli I love a fucking good white tee. My favorite classic tee are from my favorite basics brand, Everlane. Their Box Tee has never done me wrong and they are 3 for $45 bucks and come in hella colors. I think you may fuck with the women’s fit but if not they have men’s too — but I can’t speak to the fit!

Also, I really love H&M and their simple cotton tee, I’ve had both the women’s and men’s fit and both are where it’s AT! And I am agreeing times 50 with Kayla on Universal Standard!

Q6:

Summer fashion question: What do I wear on my head when it’s super hot and sunny? My fiancée loves having a roof deck drink in the sun. I get hot, sweaty, and sunburnt as soon as the temp hits above 78 even with sunblock. I also have short hair (think 8 year old boy faux-hawk), and hats make me look bald in a not-cute way and like my head is tiny. I feel ridiculous in a baseball cap (my go-to when I had longer hair). Would a visor work? If so, is there a qpoc-owned place to get one? Do I stick with sunglasses? Or just stay inside?

A:

Shelli First of all If you’re Black buy this sunscreen and WEAR IT — Black don’t crack but it do burn. But also just rock a baseball cap, like — have a chat with yourself about why you feel ridiculous in it. Is it something that someone once said when you got a haircut? Or maybe you are wearing the same size you did when you had hair and it makes it look different? Like, think about it ‘cos that feels like what you should be wearing.

I think a baseball cap is just fine but you may have to size it down since you cut your hair and that will help with the look of it. I love a good snapback and a lightweight summer beanie you know. Also, tell your fiancee that sometimes you’d rather — I don’t know, not be on the roof deck when it’s hot — you don’t always have to go kick it with them everytime. If you just really wanna be with bae, maybe try to find a spot that has a covered spot y’all can sit in so you can both win and all you have to worry about rocking is your sunglasses, faux-hawk and sunblock.

Kayla: My sister has alopecia and has been bald for pretty much her whole life, so by proxy I am well versed in sun protection because she always has to be super careful with her head/face in the sun. One of her go-to hat brands is Goorin Bros. They’re expensive, but they have outlet sales sometimes. They’re also very much A Look, but if you’re wanting to play around with hats that you feel look good with your hair, trying out different aesthetics—like a sun hat—could be the move! But I also want to echo Shelli and say maybe go for the baseball cap again and just size down. There are brands that specialize in UPF hats for a little extra protection. A visor could work, but it doesn’t give you full scalp protection like a baseball cap does. Also, when it comes to sunscreen, I recommend products that are specifically for the face, and I also recommend keeping that product with you when you’re on the roof so you can reapply regularly.

Meg: Thirding the baseball cap suggestion – if you’re struggling with cheaper ones feeling floppy or ill-fitting, I absolutely love the hats from Melin. They’re a bit more expensive, but they wear well and look great. I also love a fedora in the summer, and this straw one from ASOS might feel lightweight enough to keep your head cool but also offer some sun protection.

Nicole: This is not really fashion, but maybe some kind of personal umbrella situation is the way to go? If you’re generally uncomfortable in the sun, it’ll provide more full-body protection. You can use a regular umbrella in the sun, or, like, I’m not saying buy this thing, but anything along the lines of the design as this canopy chair might be helpful. You could probably rig something up out of things you have lying around. It might help lower your overall temp when outside and shield you from the sun without requiring you to make adjustments. And also, you can totally rock a baseball cap and I’m sure you’ll look great! You do you!!

Q7:

My question for the fashion advice column is: Overalls??? Where to get them, how to size them, what to wear with them (as a masc person)? I really like the vibe but don’t know where to start. Thanks!

A:

Kayla: The cool thing about overalls at the moment is that you can kind of find them all over the place! If you have a brand you already like in terms of pants sizing/fit, I recommend starting there and seeing if they offer overalls. Do you want shorteralls? Do you want a classic denim look? Or do you want something patterned or a different material than denim? There are so many options out there, and you should pick what feels right for you! As for how to style them, for summertime I like the look of just a tank top underneath or a classic white v-neck. If you go with a solid color overall, try out a patterned look underneath. If you go with patterned overalls, try a solid basic underneath. Again: so many options!

Nicole: In terms of where to get them, I went on an obsessive quest for you: So, this is just a recommendation because a friend of mine got these and they looked SO CUTE. They’re on the pricier side, but they can be styled in a masc way, or you can obvs shop in the men’s section, too, but they’re like really intense overalls, so IDK. If you’re going for something you can work in, crouch in, kneel in and that has P O C K E T S, these look like the way to go. They had the short ones in plus sizes but it looks like they’re currently sold out, which is not really acceptable, so I’m sorry for recommending if they don’t have your size. Their long-pants version goes up to XXL, though and appears to have most sizes in stock. Then, there are also Dovetail Workwear’s overalls (they’re women-owned and were kind enough to extend A+ members a special discount over the holigays last year.) These overalls are definitely more on the workwear side as opposed to the fashion side. Then, of course, there are Wildfang overalls. While I don’t own any Wildfang myself, I can attest from friends that the pants are made to fit actual human bodies (I feel like most pants aren’t?), so I am extrapolating that their coveralls likely do as well. FINALLY, back to stuff that is made to work in (or to camp in, or just to last forever) I have a hot new recommendation just coming in for Handyma’am, also women-owned, made in the US (they state they pay a “living wage” but don’t define it), runs up to XXL and has a sizing guide. I don’t have a TON of recommendations for newly made less pricey overalls (they are a top and a bottom in one and also, once you get into more sustainably and ethically made clothes, those do get pricey which is logical) but a quick ebay search tells me there are used options out there. As always with thrifting, you’ll just have to do some hunting. In terms of styling, I am such a fan of the short-sleeved button up with overalls look. The look begs you to have a hat, to cuff the legs of the overalls, to throw on a bandanna along with a tee if you opt for something more casual. I hope you have fun!!

Q8:

Fashion advice question : Is there such a thing as a MOC dress or skirt-type thingy for the summer, and where can I get something like that ? My body is short and very generous and frankly, shorts don’t do it for me anymore. I just got a kilt which I think is a rather butch-style skirt. I love but when I sit in it (and I do love a good brisk sit) the pleats in the back get all out of control and so we’re still getting used to each other. Maybe I’ll use it for dramatically stomping around without rest, I don’t know. But I would still like some other option that’s not frilly or flowery and looks good, sitting or standing. Oh, and coverage ; I do need coverage. Is this too much to ask ?

Signed,
Still traumatized by matching dresses my mother made me wear as a child

A:

Himani: I don’t know if this will fit what you’re looking for in terms of a MOC aesthetic, but I’ve been wearing a loose tee-shirt dress in the summer. Personally, I find it to be comfortable for the summer without feeling like it’s very specifically feminine. I recommend sizing up and finding a dress that’s 100% cotton for the breathability of the fabric. I bought mine from Everlane a few years ago, but I think it was basically this style.

Shelli I personally think that if you’re looking for an MOC aesthetic when it comes to skirts, it’s not the skirt itself you should focus on but what you pair it with and how you style it. I think sticking to a pleated skirt/pleated kilt skirts (two different things) is key. You can do a search and find long pleated skirts, midlength ones and ones that I think you truly might fuck with — asymetrical pleated skirts.

Then for the summer, make your look MOC elsewhere. Pair a darker plaid pleated asymmetrical skirt with a simple heather gray cotton pocket tea, roll up the sleeves, a pair of docs and some sheer black socks. Or if it’s a mad hot day rock a solid color pleated skirt (that you’ve taken to the tailor to get cut and layered), a pair of white sneakers, a not SO oversized graphic tee that you’ve got french tucked and a cute lightweight beanie and sunglasses.

I can’t really tell you where to get the skirts but just do a search using the terms I said and start there! Also remember, tailoring is your fucking friend and it’s honestly not that expensive and so worth it. So if you find one you like but think it needs a cut and an altered fit for your body, but it bigger and then take it to the tailor.

You can also get the classic cotton tee shirt dress (I actually have a few of the exact ones from Everlane that Himani mentioned) and again, focus on the styling and accessories to make it butch!

Kayla: I second Shelli’s notes on styling and also Himani’s suggestion of t-shirt dresses. An oversized t-shirt dress like this or a “rugby dress” or “polo dress” (I linked some specifics for a visual, but feel free to just use those search terms) could easily be styled for a more MOC look with boots and a simple chain or a crossbody fannypack etc. In addition to searching for pleated skirts, I recommend searching for “skater skirts.” Some results might be a little too femme, but super basic skater skirts can be styled in really versatile ways. I’m also a firm believer in plaid looking hot on everyone—just saying. And like Shelli says, it mostly comes down to styling! You could also check out some athletic brands for skirts/dresses that are gonna prioritize comfort and staying cool in the summer heat.

Q9:

(for the fashion theme!) This is pretty light, but I was wondering what y’all/other people feel is too many clothes? I either buy from charity shops or raid my mums closets (primarily that right now! hello dressing like I’m from 9 to 5) so it’s not a consumerism thing, but I do feel like I have a superfluity; I’ve done Marie Kondo and they all spark joy individually, but as a mass it just feels like too much choice. But I don’t want to lose any of them! Has anyone been in a similar situation? I dress VERY femme to the degree taking my partner aback ;) when I wore their jeans to the allotment if that helps

A:

Shelli No, there is not — especially ‘cos of what you said in the second half of your question. Everything sparks joy and you’re not being a pack rat you just have a lot of clothes and love fashion. If you regularly go through and give away clothes, donate, or just toss things and you’re also not buying shit just to buy it then I think you are good.

It may also feel like a lot because of the space it’s in, a small closet and chest of drawers that you share with someone may make it seem like you have SO MUCH shit when in reality it’s just in a small space. Every apartment I’ve ever had with the exception of one, was a 2 bedroom apartment. I always turn the second bedroom into a giant walk-in closet and I too have a ton of clothes. It’s less daunting when I get to see them separated and in another space all cutely organized and fun! So if you have the ability to rework your space to spread out you (and your partners) clothes then try that. If you don’t have that space then you’ll just have to be okay with the fact that you have style, love fashion and just have a bunch of clothes — but keep kondoing and giving things away on the regular to keep an eye on it.

Also, it’s not just femmes that have lotsa clothes, I know plenty of folks who aren’t that make my closet look like it’s damn near empty.

Kayla: I also own a lot of clothes, and I agree with everything Shelli said! If you’re regularly going through your clothes and giving things away, that’s all that really matters! I definitely sometimes get overly attached to THINGS, including clothes. Sometimes if I have a really hard time parting with a piece of clothing but also know I won’t wear it again for one reason or another, I give it to a close friend who I know WILL wear it or to my sister, because then it’s like I still get to keep it in my life. My sister and I regularly do clothing swaps (we’re not even the same size and have very different styles, but for some reason it works??), and if you really don’t want to “lose” a piece but also don’t really wear it anymore, I suggest finding someone in your life to gift it to!

Q10:

Fashion question! I’m a pretty short, fat masc-presenting person with boobs and wide hips. This means that pretty often, the proportions of things I buy are not quite right. I would love to start getting things tailored to fit me better or just look better, but I really have no idea where to start! Where does one find a tailor, especially a queer-affirming one? How do I ask for what I want once there? Do people on staff have experience getting their clothes tailored for gender-expression purposes, and any tips on doing so? I would eventually love to buy some stuff from Bindle and Keep or the like, but I am def not in an income bracket that would make that possible at the moment.

A:

Shelli So it is incredibly worth it and the answer to all of your questions can’t be answered by us but you will just have to do the legwork to find it out on your own.

Where does one find a tailor? You gotta hit up IG and google and do some hometown research. You can also reach out to local drag queens/kings to ask them who their tailors or designers are ‘cos a lot of their stuff is custom or they have to get it tailored to fit.

Are they queer affirming? Well, you will have to call and ask. Or go in and ask if you can to get a better read. If your hometown or nearby has queer centered neighborhoods (Like Chicago has one called Andersonville) start there and look for dry cleaners in that area that may offer tailoring as well. You’ll have a better chance of them hopefully being queer affirming if their place of business is in the middle of dyke central — but not always so be careful.

How do you ask for what you want when you get there/find one? Bring photos, let them know you have plenty of questions, and if it’s your first time you don’t want to be rushed. Make an appointment, write down your ideas piece by piece (bring one in at a time to start) and your questions on them. Come prepared as possible on your part so that you can have a great experience.

I do have experience getting my stuff tailored but not for gender expression purposes. But I did all the things I said to make it easier for me. I firmly believe that you can buy dope things from thrift stores and beyond to make it fit you and not blow the bank. There is a difference between getting stuff tailored to fit vs. getting stuff custom made though so keep that in mind.

You’ll have to hit pavement on your tailoring/custom journey but you’ll find the right place/person to help. Once you find them though never let them go ‘cos baby a good tailor is hard to find.

Kayla: When it comes to a lot of services, I always value a referral. You can use Instagram and Google to find tailors in your area, like Shelli said. And I also suggest using Instagram/social media as a referral tool. If you’re comfortable with it, post in your IG story that you’re looking for a tailor in your area, and you can include a note about preferring someone who is going to be queer-affirming. Even if your immediate social circles don’t have a go-to tailor, someone might know someone who does. And a friend of a friend is going to probably be able to provide more information than, like, a random review on Google. Like Shelli said, you’re just going to have to put in the work no matter what!

Q11:

Hello lovely folks of autostraddle.com! This is a question for the fashion column :)

As a femme lesbian, how do I gay up my look while still staying true to my femme self? People are always surprised when I tell them that I’m a lesbian, and even my friends tell me that I don’t look that gay. Also, recently I got married and for some reason wearing a wedding ring has made me feel like I present even MORE straight now than I already did (my ring is super girly too, this is truly my vibe lol). It’s not so much that I don’t feel gay enough, because I do feel secure in myself on the inside. It’s more that I want to present as gay on the outside too. I want to signal to other gays that I, too, am gay. I want to feel visible!!! But I also want to wear dresses and my femme-as-fuck wedding ring! Any tips?

A:

Shelli: My answer may be trash but look, if you want people to know you’re gay you can just tell them you’re gay. No amount of clothes you wear short of a button or pin that says “Y’ALL I’M GAY AS FUCK” is gonna signal to others for sure that you’re gay.

We all have our fun and be like “Well if you’re wearing a beanie in 95 degree weather, or cut off at the knees denim you are DEF gay” which — lol may be true but — in the end, just wear what you want and be dope in your dykeness. Femme invisibility is a thing, as a person who 90% of the time dresses super high femme, I “suffer” from it. It bothered me for a minute but then I was like “Wait — I ummm….don’t fucking care”.

The real advice I have for you is to stop tryna figure out how to gay up your look while still staying femme, and just amp up that high femme vibe and rock the shit out of it. If you wear acrylics make ‘em pointier, if you wear heels make ‘em higher, if you wear lipstick make it brighter, if you wear skirts make ‘em shorter, if you like having your tits out have ‘em out even more — just hella lean into your femmeness babe.

Oh and just wear the ring — make everyone get on their knees and kiss it as an apology if they even think to question your queerness.

Kayla: Shelli really nailed it. This isn’t really a you problem or a problem with the way you dress or look. It’s a societal problem, because heteronormativity and the patriarchy make it so that straightness is the default assumption. If you like the way you dress, keep dressing that way! Don’t feel like you have to wear docs or idk like a jean jacket with a bunch of gay ass pins on it if that is simply not your style. I totally agree with Shelli that femme invisibility can be a thing in a lot of queer spaces, but I also agree that what ultimately matters is your comfort and feeling like yourself! I’m really into Shelli’s suggestion to heighten what you love to rock rather than trying to add some gay addendum to it. Self-expression imo is very meaningful to queer folks! Instead of trying to cater to the expectations of others, it could be very rewarding if you reimagine what “looking gay” means to you.

Himani: I really, really deeply believe in and appreciate everything that Shelli and Kayla have written. As I was thinking about it more, though, I also felt compelled to emphasize the point that part of this is a problem of society (in general, and also the queer community specifically), which makes it a problem you have to live with. You’re reaching out to us to ask how you can signal your gayness in the way you dress, but, as I read your question over, perhaps another thing to consider is calling your friends or other people out when they say things like “you don’t look that gay.” (ie, Replying with something like, “what does that even mean, given that I am a lesbian…?”) Even if it’s something that’s meant innocuously or said playfully, it’s still a pretty problematic way of looking at the world, and it has a lot of troubling implications. (I’m not going to digress too much further here, but if anyone’s curious what I mean about “a lot of troubling implications” just tag me in the comments, and I will expand.) I second Kayla’s suggestion of reimagining what “looking gay” means to you, and I also think that these things are social constructions, as well. So you may find it helpful to work on that reimagining with some of your friends by nudging them to reconsider statements around what a “gay look” is that exclude more femme presentation.

Nicole: I feel like straight people almost never assume someone’s gay unless it is so in their face it’s unbelievable. Sometimes gay people are guilty of the same, but I expect better of us, so. I just want to affirm that this isn’t a *you* problem. Usually, just dressing as a gay person, for yourself and other gay people, can result in a lot of heteros being like “wow that’s an interesting outfit” even when you’re really femme because there is just something about not catering to the heterosexual gaze that comes off when gay people get dressed. If you want to lean more into that nebulous facet of gay femme-ness, go for it and I hope you have fun. If not, that is also cool!! That being said, I 10000% agree with everything else everyone’s said. You look awesome, you do in fact already look gay because everyone who is gay looks gay, wear the ring, and make people apologize for just being out there assuming everyone who is wearing a wedding ring is a heterosexual!

Q12:

A fashion question: how do I dress both gay and professionally in a business casual profession? I’m pretty femme, and I just feel like I look straight. And who wants to look straight?

A:

Himani: I personally love blazers, and they immediately dress up pretty much any outfit to look like business while also walking the gender ambiguity line, depending on what you’re pairing them with. I most often wear them with khakis / other casual-ish professional pants or jeans, but you can also wear them with dresses. You can make a blazer + pants combo look more feminine by incorporating make up, jewelry, heels and lacy / flowy tops, if you want to hold onto your femme aesthetic. Just note that the more of those elements you incorporate, the more likely it is that your look will be read as “straight,” and if explicitly subverting that is important to you, mix and match and play around with what you have.

Shelli You know you’re not straight, and the people who think you look straight are probably straight and — who cares what straight people think. So just wear the business casual you been wearing and remember that you’re gay and probably better than pretty much everyone there.

Kayla: Once again, I’m agreeing with Shelli. One thing I’ll add: I’m wondering if when you say you feel like you “look straight” at work you actually mean you feel like you “look boring” at work which lol????? Is that heterophobic of me? IDC! So let’s say you want to dress a little more fun at work. Here are some places to start: Big Bud Press’s work pants, Uniqlo’s patterned pants, coveralls, ruffle shirts.

Q13:

Fashion question: I have a generic white-collar job which includes some client work. Other people in my office dress up with makeup or earrings or fancy scarves, but I don’t wear makeup, don’t have pierced ears, don’t own fancy scarves and don’t have contacts so I’m always wearing my glasses. Any advice on how to “dress up” for professional meetings beyond just putting on a nicer shirt? (My style is casual/comfy femme, mostly I shop at the Gap lol)

A:

Nicole: Shoes! I feel like any outfit can go from just casual to dressy with one change into the right pair of shoes. I don’t really have a read on your style (like if you’d be more likely to wear heels, or oxfords, or chelsea boots), but having a smart, kind of daring pair of well-shined (if appropriate) shoes on hand can take an outfit up a notch without having to change anything else. Also, if you don’t mind things on your wrist, a watch can be a really simple but defining office accessory that can really run the gamut in style, all depending on what you’re going for. Also, reading below, I completely endorse the following advice.

Shelli Who cares what everyone else in your office is wearing. You do not need to have any of that stuff to dress up your very dope casual comfy femme look. Now, onto how to amp it up — I love a cute monochrome cardigan set and if you mostly shop at the gap I think you will too. You can also get a fun set or amp up the simpler one and get your name or initials embroidered on it all sweet and femme like. Focus on fit for the cardigans and get them tailored if you have to for that professional but fashionable vibe. Pair that with some high rise fitted denim and give them a cuff, and then toss on some sexy ass loafers. Then pin that hair up and put on your new go to accessory — fly ass glasses.

Make the glasses and hair your thing. You’re saving a ton of money by not buying that stuff your co-workers are, so if you have the means, start investing in quality and a tad bit more stylish of the things you already love. Places like Firmoo and Zenni allow you to enter in your prescription and they have the cutest selection of glasses and always have coupons. I don’t need glasses but I have so many pairs ‘cos they are my fav accessory.

In the fall, make your thing soft tees and tanks in colors like blush and olive and pair them with jackets and cool ass belts. Honestly babe, I love the minimal femme look and you’re gonna love it even more now too. Make the cardigans your signature thing though for real — I LOVE when people have a signature look!

Kayla: Agree with Shelli that a cardigan can dress things up while still fitting in with your casual/cozy femme vibe. An oversized blazer can have the same effect—dresses things up without sacrificing comfort because it’s a looser fit. Tip: This is annoying lol but try the search term “boyfriend blazer” when looking for options. Experiment with simple accessories like watches, rings, cuff bracelets—stuff that’s not going to necessarily be flashy and still vibes with your casual preferences but maybe adds a pop of shine or color.

Q14:

Hi all!! Not sure this is explicitly fashion related, BUT: I really like/prefer growing my armpit hair out, however, when I do this, my deodorant stops working. I’m south asian so it already has to work pretty hard (lol), but i’m so sad that I feel like i have to shave to get any sort of benefit from the anti-odor OR anti-perspirant!! I’ve tried “mens” and “womens” and all different brands. Any advice would be much appreciated!!!!! Xoxoxo

A:

Himani: I say forgo the deodorant! It’s so liberating! I recognize this may not work for everybody, but as a fellow South Asian, I want to give you permission to consider this possibility. I spent most of my life worrying about “smelling like that Indian person” and after spending a lot of time working on my internalized racism, I’ve reached the point where I’ve made my peace with smells and body odor. I also personally do enjoy perfume so when I feel like I need to be a little classier in my presentation, I do use a splash of perfume as well.

Shelli I LOVE this and I wanna say maybe try doing homemade deodorant that is mostly made up of essential oils. Essential oils are usually my favorite over the smell of deodorant and most major perfumes, so perhaps it may be a vibe for you too.

Kayla: I can’t personally vouch for this, but I’ve heard that washing armpit hair with dandruff shampoo and then also using deodorant after that can be effective! Also I had a friend who swore by lemon juice.

Q15:

Hi everyone, my brother is getting married this August and I am absolutely thrown about what to wear… It is going to be a very typical cis-hetero wedding, and I want to be my weird, queer self. I want to sit squarely in the in-between and be colorful and not too hot on an August day! So no tux, no dress, and I also can’t get behind a jumpsuit (I think jumpsuits were recommended here somewhere, though I can’t seem to find the article). However, it can’t be too casual – or what is too casual even? I don’t know! I’m a sporty type and I just want to be comfortable. Thank you so much in advance!

A:

Himani: Hi, yes, I am here with jumpsuit recommendations because I am also trying to figure out formalwear for whenever I am next summoned to show up at a wedding. I was actually just looking into this, so I have more than a few thoughts for you. I think there are a few things that can make a jumpsuit look really formal, with varying degrees of feminine/masculine aesthetic (much like any article of clothing, really). Here are a few options I’ve found to highlight some of the different categories of formal jumpsuit you can consider. (The ones I’ve specifically linked are all definitely on the pricer end, but I basically just searched jumpsuits on a few websites to pull out examples that highlight the points I want to make, but I’ve also found that ASOS and Shein have A TON of jumpsuit options. I’ve never bought from them so I can’t speak to whether the fabric itself will “look” formal enough for a wedding, though.) Option 1: lace (or a fancier and more expensive version). Option two: satiny or silky fabric. Option 3: neckline with interest. (There’s actually a lot of options under this category, but I have linked only to one that is a neat looking halter top. But one-sleeve jumpsuits can also be very formal looking, especially if they incorporate some of the other elements around fabric, lace, frills, etc. If you don’t mind a looser style pant leg, e-shakti has a lot of great options.) Option 4: shimmer and shine. (See how this one also incorporates an interesting neckline to level up the look?) Option 5: tuxedo-style. (Definitely the most masculine among all the options I’ve given.) Option 6: looks like a dress (You might wonder why you would wear a jumpsuit if it just looks like a dress anyway. I wonder this, to be honest. But everyone is allowed their own aesthetic, and if someone wants a more distinctly feminine look while still making it clear that they are not, in fact, here to play by all the rules, then I honestly can’t imagine anything more subversive than wearing a jumpsuit that looks like a dress at a wedding.)

One last note I have about jumpsuits as formalwear is that I personally don’t think the ones that look like two pieces (ie like this look sufficiently formal for a wedding-type event. Maybe it’s just me, but I always think the jumpsuits that look like two pieces would be more appropriate for a fancy-dress party or as business-wear.

Finally, a word of caution, re: jumpsuits, since you noted that you want to be comfortable. I’ve worn a jumpsuit to a wedding once, and it wasn’t as miserable as I expected in terms of the whole “must fully undress to pee” situation but… also definitely not as comfortable or as convenient as wearing a dress or as wearing pants and a blazer. So that’s also worth considering — jumpsuit might not be your best option, after all.

Shelli: Hey babe! So I love this and think I might be able to help you build a perfect look. You said you were sporty, that it was gonna be hot, and you’re tryna be colorful but also fancy. So lets go!

I will forever love Everlane and these Dream pants seem perfect for you, polished but comfortable and mostly cotton so should keep you cool. I would get them in the dark forest color and then pair it with a sleeveless loose blouse that has hidden buttons – in white if you’re cool with it or a slate gray. Keep it loosely fitted though ‘cos we are gonna put a dope muted color bralette underneath that needs to peek out when you’re moving, like this one from parade in burnt sugar or this scoop one in pink canyon. End it with a simple colored Ked or a fun printed one that pick up the colors in the outfit you built, like this one for the one I built above.

Add in a simple chain or a watch and you’re good. This type of look keeps you in your comfortable style, let’s you dance and move and gives you those queer color pops you wanted. It also is fancy enough for a wedding but casual enough to make you look like you didn’t even try. It will cost you like $200 total for the one above but you can break this outfit apart and have a bunch of solid pieces to add to your wardrobe. You can also of course get even more affordable versions of these pieces, but I’m telling you — if you can and have the means then invest in solid ones. Also, if you are in the wedding I would tell my fucking brother to give me money to buy stuff ‘cos I didn’t ask to be in your hetero ass wedding bro — I could have just been a guest. Hope this helps babe!

Also — get all this tailored if you need to.

Kayla: Depending on the exact dress code of the wedding, you might be able to rock a shorts suit! Zara has some sets, like these striped shorts with this cropped striped blazer or this houndstooth set. With the right styling, these looks can definitely be formal. And you can get colorful with the blouse/top that goes underneath the blazer. Or how about a sleeveless jacket/double breasted vest moment? Again, these are versatile in terms of styling. If you’re looking at sleeveless jackets on H&M, the site pulls up matching shorts/pants options.

Q16:

My butch partner started a medication that makes them extremely sun sensitive and they need to cover as much of their skin as possible on hot days. What does a masculine person wear in the summer when t-shirts, shorts and tank tops are out of the question? They have some linen shirts and kind of flowy pants but they feel like those clothes make them look like an “auntie.” Any advice for breezy long-sleeve, long-pants outfits that still read masc and queer will be much appreciated! Thanks!

A:

Kayla: I think athleisure could be a solid option here! If your partner wants to lean into a full-on jock look (you don’t have to be a literal jock to dress like one!), Underarmour has tons of long-sleeve shirts that are still geared toward keeping you cool in the heat. For a slightly less jock look: Uniqlo has a lot of “active pants” options made from lightweight materials. Adidas joggers are a classic look and come in lots of different materials. Also, if your partner does really want to wear shorts, a loose athletic-style short combined with UPF leg sleeves is definitely a very specific Look and maybe I’m biased because I live in Miami where everyone wears workout clothes constantly, but I personally don’t think you have to be actively running to rock this look!

Q17:

honestly I’m sure this has been covered in the past but I need some kind of international guide to buying chub rub shorts and otherwise clothing the fat body. I realise autostraddle is not, idk, fat girl weekly, but you’re all i have! thanks for all you do <3

A:

Shelli: It is FAT GIRL WEEKLY ‘COS I’M HERE WEEKLY BAYBEE! So — I’m lowkey confused by what you mean ‘cos you asked about Chub Rub shorts but also want tips clothing the body. I wrote a column here on Autostraddle called “What I Wore” — we had to abruptly end it when things began closing due to COVID-19 and I had no reason to get dressed and go outside, but there are some gems there, both in personal stories in my life related to fashion and also in the clothing itself.

Dressing as a fat person is difficult and if you wanna be stylish it takes work. No matter how bodiposi the world claims to be, they make shit clothes for fat folks and when they do make good ones the pieces are so limited. I’m a 14/16 so I will admit that finding clothes in my size range is easier but it’s still a lot of work. So I wanna help you with as much as I can but drop more direct questions in the A+ box on what you’re looking for and I can — just like you did with the chub rub!

Onto that, you specified asking about shorts. Internationally they are literally everywhere, just type in whatever they call “Biker Shorts” in your part of the world and thats what helps. I size up in them ‘cos they are far more comfortable. Snag Tights is all over the world so check them out! Also, you didn’t ask but Megababe has Thigh Rescue that is pretty dope and smells mad good to carry with you when you need a little extra love for your chub rub.

Q18:

hi angels,

i appreciate your advice so much! here’s what i’m struggling with: how do i figure out what looks good on me and find new clothes on a budget?

i have dressed more traditionally masculine over the past few years. gym/bike shorts and crew neck t shirts (with the right sports bra) are my home. i can pull off black jeans with a binder and button up shirt on occasion. beyond that, i have no imagination for looking sexy, more dressed up, or just trying a new look …but i do want to look good.

so how do i get some new outfits? my only style icon (friends kept asking me this) is roberta colindrez in Vida, and i’m not sure those looks would work on me. i went thrifting with a friend and ended up finding more of what i already have. have you any style inspiration guides? or advice to simplify this task? i need shirts (that minimize my chest to whatever degree possible) and slightly-more-formal-wear the most.

thanks, bad dresser in brooklyn

ps. no criticism here at all, love them, but for reference, the clothes linked in autostraddle style are often out of my price range

A:

Kayla: Whether you’re looking to expand your personal style or just build on the things you already like, the best way to figure out what looks good/feels right on you is to literally just try things on. I find online shopping really difficult unless I’m already super familiar with the brand and their sizing (though places with free returns are a lifesaver). There’s nothing wrong with going into a clothing store and trying things on to see if you like the style/look without immediately committing to buying it! If a store is outside your budget, you can still try things on and then try to find the same or similar looks from a thrift, on reseller apps like Poshmark, or from an outlet. Also, I get really stressed out trying on clothes sometimes, but I’ve found I feel a lot more relaxed when I bring a friend who I trust and who is going to make me feel hot and cool but also tell me the truth if something doesn’t really look right on me. If you have a person like that in your life, bring them along when you’re trying new things! Sometimes a cheerleader can really help.

Shelli If all you’re finding is more of what you already have, the next step is to just accept your style and then invest in some flyer versions of it. Thats a fucking sick style icon and if you’re not sure they would work on you, that just tells me you haven’t tried it out. You have to just go and try things on like Kayla said and being on a budget is real. You can still find the clothes you want and need in thrift stores to create dope outfits but — you can’t rush it. There is no way to simplify this task, you have to take your time when you go shopping and this may sound lame but bring a list. I’ve found for when I am on a budget and wanna find the pieces in thrift stores you gotta make a day of it and focus on finding 1-2 specific items at a time. Go to thrift stores that are further away that you haven’t visited before, go to the ones in rich parts of town (they be giving away stuff that is brand fucking new), and TRY THINGS ON. Take pictures of yourself before you go in some of your favorite pieces that you own, as well as pieces you are looking to create outfits around so you have them on your phone when you’re out — it will help you imagine your full looks.

Stop buying more of what you already have when you’re out just to scratch that shopping itch, you’re wasting money and you could be saving that cash to invest in better signature pieces. I would suggest places like Depop but sounds like you need to do irl shopping until you have a hold on your look. Look up clothing swaps with other butches in your area or shit, set one up yourself — you literally live in Brooklyn so there will no shortage of butches and hella interest.

Also, minimal looks are sexy as fuck. Don’t think that you have to do so much to look good. Focus on the pieces you have and start turning to accessories, or your hair. Find your signature piece and build every outfit around that. You gotta just start truly believing that you look good and start working on that inner vibe and that will help too.

Lastly, it’s literally okay to criticize, some stuff is expensive and money is a real thing so we will try even harder to widen the price ranges on stuff we suggest.

Q19:

Do you have any ideas about where to buy professional-looking but also queer-looking jewelry (especially earrings or ear cuffs)? Or any ideas about what *professional-looking but also queer-looking* jewelry would even look like?

A:

Meg: I’m of the mindset that if you’re queer, anything you wear will look queer, and if you can support queer artists and jewelry makers then so much the better! I absolutely love Automic Gold, a trans-owned shop with tons of amazing designs, both subtle and eye-catching. Wild Fancy Designs and QueerCollections are both great if you’re in the mood for something a bit more bold, while Lockwood offers a wide variety of fun pieces at different price points. MOMO metals is on the industrial side, queerkwe uses beadwork, and because is extremely playful. And for kickass statement pieces, check out BlackQueerMagic.

I had less luck finding queer-owned businesses that specifically sell ear cuffs, but Maison Miru and ASOS both have wide selections at varying price points.

Kayla: What Meg said is true: If you’re queer, any jewelry you wear is going to be queer. Now here are some more reccs of queer jewelry makers to support: Palombina Goods, Hedron Studio, xyzstyleco (they do earrings!). Also, looking through the #queerjewelry or #queerjeweler hashtags on Instagram is a way to find folks!

Q20:

Hi – I have been dressing more masculine during quarantine and it feels really good, especially when I’m alone. Like lounging at home in basketball shorts and a baggy shirt feels like it makes my body look RIGHT, like more me, than I have felt in quite a while. I realized that I basically have been wearing clothes a few sizes too large for years, in order to get the kinds of silhouettes/straight lines/lack of curves that feels good. I also recently bought a binder, and love how it makes me look and feel, and realized I have been unconsciously binding for years with too tight sports bras. Overall these seem like trans experiences to me and part of me is excited about the words trans nonbinary. On the other hand, I do feel attached to womanhood and when I think about being a masculine or butch woman, the feeling I get is embarrassed. Like, it’s so embarrassing to be butch. Which – yikes! Obviously something’s been internalized. I’m less invested in figuring out what set of words is right for me right now, but how I do fathom up enough self compassion to know that I can wear what feels good? Also what if I’m completely wrong and I want to wear dresses and I don’t know myself at all? /cue panic

A:

Himani: When it comes to self compassion — I don’t know if you feel this way or if this is also tied up in some of what you’re working through, but I know for myself that sometimes it can feel like everyone else is so clear in themselves and that if I’m not clear that either means I’m “behind” or that I’m failing myself in some way by not having more clarity in terms of my own desires. But the truth is, we’re all of us always uncovering new parts of ourselves our whole lives, and the only way to really do that is to give ourselves the freedom, the space and the kindness to play with different possibilities of who we could be, without judgement and yes, without labels and all the baggage they carry. In many ways, that exploration really is the journey of our lives.

And I really do believe it’s a journey that can have many paths and weave back and forth. I think as long as you are centering yourself and your feelings, you will always find yourself. And sometimes that self might change and might surprise you in terms of what makes that self comfortable and what feels authentic to that self as the days go by. So maybe, weeks or months or years from now you’ll want to wear dresses. That doesn’t negate what you wrote, that in the present moment, “lounging at home in basketball shorts and a baggy shirt feels like it makes my body look RIGHT, like more me, than I have felt in quite a while.” That’s a pretty powerful statement, and you should revel in it. It’s so rare, I think, for any of us to have moments where we feel that close to ourselves and are actually able to name it. I’ll also add that the possibility of a future desire to dress differently than what feels good today doesn’t negate the understanding of your identity that you are currently uncovering for yourself.

If we’re truly being honest with ourselves, how we feel can be a really complicated thing. There’s the part of us that can feel real comfort or pleasure or joy in a moment, alongside the part that feels fear, apprehension or anxiety around the implications of finding happiness in unexpected places. All of those are real, and the combination can make it very difficult to parse out what it means to live our lives on our terms. This is where I find that journaling can be a particularly useful tool to help myself separate out that mess of feelings and what is motivating each one. Sometimes, I think that unraveling that knot, that tangled web of conflicting feelings is really the journey of uncovering who we are. All this to say — continue doing what you are doing and remind yourself that you’re allowed to have a lot of feelings about it (and you will, as will we all, in our own struggles). They might not all fit together all the time, but acknowledge each one (name and try to understand each) without letting the fears and anxieties have free reign over you (do a mindfulness meditation / breathing exercise and also recenter your focus on the feelings of comfort and joy). Bit by bit, I think you’ll start building up that self compassion.

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