Welcome to Interviews With My Ex-Girlfriend in which Autostraddle writers get back in touch with their ex-girlfriends to ask them Five Simple Questions:

1. How long did we date?
2. Why did we break up?
3. What did you learn from our relationship?
4. What do you miss most about me?
5. Would you invite me to your wedding (why/why not)?

I met MA (which is actually what everyone calls her, “em-ey,” and is not an attempt to shield her identity) in 2004, two weeks before I started my freshman year in college. I’d arrived early to school for pre-season training with the soccer team, and because our dorms weren’t available yet the rest of the girls on the team had to house the incoming freshman. I was assigned to stay in her apartment.

With the aggressive push of a schedule that required us to be around each other every day for at least eight hours a day, we quickly went from being friends to something else, although I wasn’t totally sure what. I knew she’d dated women before and deep down I think I knew exactly what I was doing, but I wasn’t ready or even aware of myself enough to admit that what I was experiencing was a crush. What resulted was months and months of agonizing sleepovers. So many sleepovers. Every night sleepovers! I’d blame it on my roommate, who admittedly was terrible, and then show up at her apartment probably to watch The L Word and have her rub my back. Totally normal friend stuff.

Even for the most repressed of gay people, this kind of repeated behavior reaches a breaking point. We started dating months later and were together on and off (and on and off) for two years. After we broke up we still had to see each other every day and so we maybe we weren’t the nicest we could have been to each other, but a decade later we’ve gotten to a place where I can text her, “Hey, can I interview you about where our relationship failed and put it on the internet?” and without follow up questions she texts back, “Sure, let me know when.” Here’s a transcript of our G-chat.

MA and I in 2004, a truly different time (looking away in pictures was popular then thanks for listening and understanding also yes that is a JEAN BLAZER)

Erin: ‪Hieeeee‬.

MA: ‪Hey hey‬.

Erin: ‪You ready? I have The Bachelorette on in the background so I’m In The Zone‬.

MA: ‪Oh wait. Let me change the channel. I’m watching The Night Of. A little more intense. OR IS IT‬.

Erin: ‪No way it’s as intense as this‬.

MA: ‪Yes, I’m ready‬.

Erin: ‪Okay, so, we met in college‬. ‪South Carolina, baby‬.

MA: ‪We did.‬

Erin: ‪How long did we date?‬

MA: ‪We dated starting in January of my sophomore year and went through my junior year, because I remember that was the first year of pharmacy school and you helped me study.‬

Erin: ‪We started dating in March of your sophomore year‬.

MA: ‪Are you sure it wasn’t the end of January‬?

Erin: ‪Yes, because‬–

MA: ‪Okay, fine, March. Okay, sure.‬

Erin: ‪Ahahaha‬.

MA: ‪I told you I loved you immediately. Because I played it cool.‬

Erin: ‪Ohhhh, actually, you told me you loved me way before that. You were on painkillers from surgery and we were chatting over Instant Messenger during Christmas break.‬

MA: ‪That doesn’t count. I was altered‬.

Erin: ‪But still, not even four months of knowing each other we were well on our way‬.

MA: ‪We spent every second together. Literally. With soccer and travel games and meals between all morning classes.‬ ‪So, that’s more like a year in gay‬.

Erin: ‪That’s very true‬. ‪But March was the official “conversation.”‬

MA: ‪Okay, officer. Yes. March.‬

Erin: ‪Although it should be noted that I was sleeping at your apartment in your bed like four months after meeting you‬. ‪But then I’d pretend like nothing happened because I didn’t know I was gay yet‬, a‪hahahaha‬.

MA: ‪Four months?!? Ha. Try one.‬

Erin: “Do-do-do, off to class, see you later, friend!”‬ ‪Sorry about that‬.

MA: ‪And I was “gay,” so you were a mind fuck.‬

Erin: ‪What was my tell‬? ‪Besides playing soccer in college‬ lol.

MA: ‪Your tell?‬

Erin: ‪How did you know I was gay?‬

MA: ‪I didn’t know you were gay or anything close. You were blonde and a little quiet at first. But you kept sleeping in my bed so I thought maybe something was up‬.

Erin: ‪That’s still how I flirt‬.

MA: ‪How’s that work for you?‬

Erin: ‪I just keep showing up in people’s beds and I never leave‬.

MA: ‪”I’m just so sleepy. Your bed is just right. I’m gonna …fall…asleep…naked.”‬

Erin: ‪Plus it smelled nice in your room‬. ‪My dorm smelled like a landfill‬.

MA: ‪That was my pet rabbit.‬ ‪RIP.‬

Erin: ‪Too soon‬. S‪o, okay‬, ‪let’s split the difference and say we started dating in October of 2004‬. ‪2004, jesus‬.

MA: ‪Okay, so, over a decade ago. (Hard sip of beer)‬

Erin: ‪And now is an even more confusing question: When did we break up‬?

MA: ‪I really don’t know. It was sometime after Ryan died and that was in 2005. Then all that stuff happened with soccer that spring, and I think we broke up during my senior year in 2006 because I remember that being a hard time‬.

Erin: ‪Yeah, spring-ish 2006‬. ‪So, on and off (because there were definitely some offs) for two years‬.

MA: ‪Yeah.‬

Erin: ‪And why did we break up‬?

MA: ‪A lot of reasons… all of which were my fault.‬

Erin: ‪Ahaha, no‬.

MA: ‪I was insecure. I needed to be wanted and needed. And so I wasn’t a good girlfriend to you.‬ ‪That’s why. Or that’s what the reasons are in my head.‬

Erin: ‪I was also very new to dating‬. T‪o be thrown into my first relationship, my first sexual experience, AND find out I was gay all at the same time was… a lot‬.

MA: ‪Maybe I could play the defensive card and say we couldn’t be “out,” that family was an issue. Then soccer, and grad school, and losing a loved one.‬ ‪But at the end of the day, I was a shit head.‬

Erin: ‪Yeah, I think we were both just really new to being out in such a real way‬.

MA: ‪Sure. I guess so. But you seemed to take to it a little better than most. Your family was always amazing‬.

Erin: ‪I had that, but also they didn’t know at the time‬ ‪and I wasn’t ready to say anything‬.

MA: ‪Your mom KIND OF knew‬.‪ I was your special friend‬ ‪that came to all holidays and family gatherings‬. ‪Ha‬.

Erin: ‪”We’re just glad Erin has friends!”‬

MA: ‪And then they’d slip me money‬.

Erin: ‪”Usually she doesn’t talk to anyone.”‬

MA: ‪Twenty dollars every Sunday. Can’t beat that‬.

Erin: (‪#gigeconomy‬) ‪Anyway, we broke up but were still friends‬.

MA: ‪You kept sleeping in my bed, [EXPLETIVE!!!]. We shared a dog.‬ ‪And yes, we were friends. And I was trying to get you back. So “friends.”‬

Erin: ‪Rather than the “Irish goodbye” where you slip out without telling anyone the “lesbian goodbye” is to have a sort of intense breakup and then continue to sleep in each other’s beds‬.

MA: ‪For a year.‬ ‪Because that’s the healthy way. The lesbian diet.‬

Erin: ‪I’m just really partial to well decorated, nice smelling room‬s. ‪My apologies‬.

MA: ‪I am really appreciating these good smell compliments‬. [Here I’m supposed to reveal that MA is single.] ‪I recently just bought a new diffuser and pillows‬. ‪KEEP THAT ON THE RECORD‬.

Erin: ‪What did you learn from our relationship?‬

MA: ‪It was the most meaningful I’ve had because it was pretty much my FIRST everything‬. ‪I’m trying not to get sappy because of course we’re still friends and I adore you. But I learned about what love feels like and should feel like.‬

Erin: ‪MA!‬

MA: ‪What!‬

Erin: ‪That’s so nice‬. ‪And I can say the same‬. ‪Here’s the deal‬, ‪before I’d met you I had zero connection to the way people described‬ love. Like it just felt like this far-fetched, foreign thing.

MA: ‪I learned the bad as well, and I’m sure you did, too. Because you were a really big ass‬. ‪(Keeping it light?)‬

Erin: ‪Like it. And, no, many people can confirm that I am a hard person to date‬.

MA: ‪Hush.‬

Erin: ‪”Stoic” and “cold” may have been used by you and other people, who can know how many times really, so I did learn how to start being emotional in a way that is healthy‬. ‪Because you forced me to‬. ‪Like actually gave me an ultimatum‬. ‪Ahahaha‬.

MA: ‪HAHAHAHAH‬A.

Erin: ‪”I need you to acknowledge that something’s happening or I can’t be around you.”‬

MA: ‪Then you’d paint me something and we’d go eat at Waffle House.‬

Erin: ‪THE DREAM‬.

MA: ‪Problem solved‬.

Erin: ‪Here’s one that’s sort of been covered but let’s go ahead and stroke each other’s egos:‬ ‪What do you miss most about me?‬

MA: ‪You taught me a lot about not running away from someone‬.

Erin: ‪TOO LATE‬ ALREADY MOVED ON TO THE NEXT QUESTION.

MA: ‪Can I tell you to fuck off?‬ ‪Also The Bachelorette is on and she just kissed a guy so GIVE ME A MINUTE‬.

Erin: ‪She’s kissed all of them‬. ‪Also that guy looks like a toe‬.

MA: ‪Are your toes that hairy?‬ ‪God I’m so glad we broke up, you’re disgusting‬. ‪So, I don’t miss that about you‬.

Erin: ‪Noted!‬

MA: ‪I miss your wit‬.

[Like eight minutes pass.]

Erin: ‪That’s it‬.

MA: ‪You made me laugh constantly. And I had never met anyone like you and haven’t since. And I live in Austin.‬

Erin: ‪KEEP ‘ER WEIRD‬. ‪That’s very nice of you‬. ‪People reading this are like “….her?”‬

MA: ‪You challenged me and understood me in this way I had never had, and I miss that. That was the hardest part losing our relationship/friendship‬. ‪And you made the best egg sandwiches. That’s the biggest answer but I didn’t want to lead with that‬.

Erin: ‪I feel so seen right now‬.

MA: ‪You are loyal, too. Like would kill someone if they crossed me.‬ ‪And maybe you did??‬

Erin: ‪I would still do that‬.

MA: ‪Good because I have a list of people for you‬.

Erin: ‪*I mark each off in lipstick*‬ Okay, ‪so, what I miss about you‬ ‪is you have this magnetic presence that people get excited to be around. You can see them! Get excited!‬ ‪And I think a part of why that is is because you are genuinely interested in people and want to hear what they have to say, and people can feel that‬. ‪It’s why you were able to break this bitch down‬. ‪I also miss your humor‬. ‪You’re loyal, too, but you’re too small to kill anyone‬.

MA: ‪Well, thank you.‬ ‪Wait, wait, wait. Let’s just stop there. That’s not totally true. I’m 5’7″‬.

Erin: ‪IN YOUR BRA‬.

MA: ‪Sort of look like Kendall Jenner‬. ‪I’m brunette‬.

Erin: ‪Of Persian decent‬…

MA: ‪You’re sweet though. I wouldn’t say I miss that part of you but you’re being sweet now.‬

Erin: ‪Once in a blood moon‬.

MA: ‪Why did you reach out to me as the ex to interview? Because I always send you pictures of my dog?‬

Erin: ‪You’re the only one that would participate‬.

MA: ‪Fair.‬

Erin: ‪Ahahaha, no, jk‬. ‪I mean I’ve really just casually dated since college‬ ‪and [ex] and I don’t really speak?‬ ‪”Hey girl, wanna hash out some stuff?”‬

MA: ‪Haha, okay, fair. So, I’m the only one.‬

Erin: Yes. ‪On the flip side YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE I LIKED ENOUGH TO KEEP IN TOUCH WITH‬.

MA: ‪Heyyyy ohhhhh. It wasn’t always easy.‬ ‪Just took a decade‬.

Erin: ‪Easy breezy‬. ‪Okay, at this point in our relationship would you invite me to your wedding?‬

MA: ‪I would‬. ‪Maid of honor‬.

Erin: ‪That’s a lot of responsibility.‬

MA: ‪Your turn.‬

Erin: ‪I’m never getting married but theoretically, absolutely‬.

MA: ‪Well, I mean, I’m not even dating anyone so this is all very theoretical‬. ‪Can I officiate?‬

Erin:‪ Oh, even better‬. ‪Well, that’s all the questions I have‬.

MA: ‪I’m about to finish all these beers. Let’s start over. From the top‬. ‪Same questions.‬

Erin: ‪HAHAHA‬. ‪Do-over‬. ‪Oh, wait, I have one more question‬.

MA: ‪I will marry you.‬

Erin: ‪Lololol‬.

MA: ‪Not the question. Continue‬.

Erin: ‪Knowing what we know, what advice do you have for someone who’s like 19 reading this‬?

MA: ‪Go to therapy.‬

Erin: ‪LKDJGLSDKJKLSJFLDJGD‬. Mine would be to set boundaries‬. ‪Also don’t drink that tequila, girl‬.

[Wrapping up, the only way we know how.]

MA: ‪Hahahaha, I was surprised to hear you didn’t blame me for everything‬. ‪So, that was nice. Thanks for being nice. I don’t deserve that‬ ‪and we both know that‬.

Erin: ‪I did my own share of flaunting after the fact, so we’re even‬.

MA: ‪Asshole.‬

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