Welcome to Interviews With My Ex-Girlfriend, in which Autostraddle writers get back in touch with their ex-girlfriends to ask them Five Simple Questions:
- How long did we date?
- Why did we break up?
- What did you learn from our relationship?
- What do you miss most about me?
- Would you invite me to your wedding (why/why not)?
Dannielle: We’re trying to figure out right now when we met.
El: The way I remember it is that we dated for about four months, ten years ago. Is that right?
Dannielle: Yeah.
El: And we broke up because you were highly negligent of me as a girlfriend.
Dannielle: Because you cheated on me.
El: Because you were highly negligent of me as a girlfriend!
Dannielle: No! Not before you cheated on me! We had a blast before you cheated on me!
El: What?
Dannielle: We did. We went to Belize, we went to New York.
El: Oh yeah, that was all fun.
Dannielle: We had fun, like, putting each other in our top eight on Myspace.
El: You didn’t appreciate me when I made latkes.
Dannielle: Well. I don’t even remember that, so.
El: Really?
Dannielle: No! I don’t.
El: Seriously? The pictures are on Facebook! The whole house smelled like fried food for two days.
Dannielle: Aww, that’s sweet though. I’m sorry I neglected you.
El: It’s okay. I’m sorry I cheated on you. It was a hard breakup. Especially with how long it took us to be friends again.
Dannielle: Yeah.
El: This breakup lingered.
Dannielle: Yeah. I wish I remembered the months and stuff…it was like we broke up in February or March, but I don’t remember not talking to you until probably the summer.
El: Then there was a summer visit that was very confusing.
Dannielle: Yeah. That was rough.
El: That was really rough. And then you moved to Chicago.
Dannielle: I did. Yeah. And that helped. With the space. We stopped speaking to each other and then I moved to another state so…if anyone needs advice on breakups.
El: But it took us about ten years to really hang out. We actually haven’t hung out one-on-one since then.
Dannielle: Shit. I guess we haven’t! That was so long ago. We were different people. What do you think has changed about you the most since we dated?
El: I think I care about people a lot more.
Dannielle: That makes sense. No offense, but.
El: No, no, it’s true. People in my present don’t understand when I say that I was Lindsay Lohan, basically. When I was younger, it was always about whatever the hell I wanted. I didn’t care about anyone, really. My sense of self has really strengthened. I know who I am. I don’t expect as much out of people. Yeah. I would say I’m just a better person now that I’m older. At least I hope so!
Dannielle: I feel like we both have our shit together a lot more. I feel the same. I feel like my relationships with people are very different and much better because I think I have more patience and understanding for other people’s point of view. Like I look back at us, and you kissed someone when you were twenty and wasted and I thought: “fuck that.”
El: No, I remember because…
Dannielle: No, here’s what happened. You ready?
El: No! There’s so much!
Dannielle: There’s so much. Okay. See what happened was our ex-girlfriends were dating each other and they knew that El was going to a club and they were like: “I’m positive that El is going to cheat on Danielle because that’s what she does.” And then you were so annoyed by that. And I was too, I thought it was really offensive that they would say that. So you were like, “would you be mad if I kissed Jess?” and I was like, “No, go for it.” Then you were like, “I would never do that to you.” But the next day you called me and you were like: “I cheated on you.” And I didn’t know how to deal with my emotions at that point in my life so I was just like: “it’s fine.”
El: And then instead of working through it, you got a crush on someone else.
Dannielle: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
El: And then you spent all your time with her instead of actually telling me what was bothering you and then I couldn’t be jealous because I definitely made out with someone else.
Dannielle: Yeah. I dealt with that really, really poorly. I wasn’t honest with my feelings and that put you in a position where you couldn’t be. That’s something that’s changed about me for sure. I’m very honest about my feelings now.
El: I’m a pretty loyal person.
Dannielle: Wow. We’ve grown so much.
El: I’m sorry!
Dannielle: I’m sorry! I’m glad we’re friends now. Look everyone, you can be like us!
El: It might take ten years.
Dannielle: But you have to grow as a person.
Dannielle: Next question. What do you miss most about me?
El: Your sense of humor.
Dannielle: Oh, thank you!
El: Also your taste in music.
Dannielle: Oh, really?
El: Oh, wait, let me take that back. Your taste in music ten years ago.
Dannielle: Today she got in my car and I was listening to Justin Bieber.
El: This is true.
Dannielle: Oh man. I used to be so cool. Alright. What about our relationship impacted your later relationships?
El: I felt like my sex drive was too high. It impacted me because I think yours was much lower than mine…
Dannielle: Yeah.
El: And I felt self conscious about how high I was discovering mine was, because at the time I was eighteen or nineteen.
Dannielle: Right.
El: I think because of my initial experience being with somebody who has such a different level than me, it’s something I still think about today, like: “Is this going to be too much for them to handle?”
Dannielle: I also had a really weird relationship with sex until very recently because, I don’t know. A lot of shame is placed on it. Also especially being a girl who likes girls in the South, no one tells you anything. You’re not taught anything. I also dated a couple of people who thought sex was weird. So I just felt really weird about it in general, and I kind of stifled that part of myself. I’m better now! I love sex now! I’m sorry that it affected you.
El: Ha! But what are you supposed to do when you grow up in South Carolina?
Dannielle: I don’t fucking know.
El: I don’t either. Wait. Did you date a lot of straight girls before me?
Dannielle: Almost everyone that I dated I’ve been their first girlfriend.
El: Oh, well no wonder. That would make me have a weird relationship with sex.
Dannielle: Yeah?
El: I think so.
Dannielle: Maybe. I think growing up in the South ruins you.
El: Abstinence-only education.
Dannielle: Yeah, what are you doing, world?
Dannielle: Okay. Would you, at this juncture, invite me to your wedding? Why or why not?
El: Yes!
Dannielle: Yaaaay!
El: You can officiate it! Don’t you do that?
Dannielle: Oh, fuck yeah! That would be so fun.
El: But I’m nowhere near getting married right now. I’m single.
Dannielle: Oh yeah! She’s single. Ready to mingle! Ladies!
El: I won’t cheat on you!
Dannielle: And if you cheat on me, I won’t neglect you, everyone. Wait. I’m not single, I’m sorry.
