Q:
I have been dating my girlfriend for over 2 years and I have never fully given her head. She has given it to me and she enjoys it, as much as I enjoy receiving. Whenever I try to go down on her I get grossed out by the taste and the smell. She is very clean so I know it is not a hygiene issue, and she is the only woman I have ever been with.
At first when I told her I was nervous to go she understood and never pressured me. It felt unfair to receive and never reciprocate so for a while we weren’t doing any oral sex on either of us. But lately she has expressed that she likes to give head and she wants to receive it too. I want to give her head so badly because she deserves it and I want to make her feel good. But every time I try, I get grossed out by the smell and the taste. It just feels to me like an area of the body that your mouth just should not go near. I try to tell myself it’s no different than kissing, but when it’s showtime I get grossed out and over stimulated and I can’t do it. I hate knowing that my reaction is making her self conscious and it is starting to have a negative effect on our relationship.
I want to overcome this because I know women’s body’s are beautiful and not gross and every vulva is different and beautiful in their own way and I want to give my girlfriend everything she deserves.
A:
Well, this is familiar to me. Hey hun. I’m with you. Here’s me:
I’m Summer, a 30 year-old woman who loves other women. And I have a strong aversion to human bodily fluids. Saliva, vaginal discharge, semen, sweat. If the human body secretes or excretes a fluid, I want to give it a wide berth. You’re in good company with me.
I’ve had a range of experiences with oral sex when it comes to that fluid aversion. There have been times I let myself drown between my partner’s legs. In other relationships, I’ve been hesitant from the get-go and evaded the topic when I saw it approaching. Whether I’m ready to eat someone out is entirely vibes-based. It’s not clear, either. We’re talking vibes, not criteria. Sometimes, I just feel weirded out by the idea and don’t want to.
I’ve been blessed with compassionate partners who respect my need to keep a distance from bodily fluids. I think you have a similarly good person, but their ability to cope is clearly reaching a point. I’m gonna split my advice here into reassurance, questioning, and pragmatics.
Reassurance
You’re not the only gay woman who experiences this, and it’s not your fault. More importantly, it’s not fair to impose guilt on yourself because you can’t match a societal standard of sexual performance. The pressure that brings is neither good for our self-esteem nor conducive to attaining our goals. Overwhelming guilt is no way to grow.
While it’s true that lesbian relationships maintain diverse and enjoyable sex lives, nobody takes part in every sex act on the menu. That linked paper was interesting to me when I thought about your conundrum. The evidence in it supports the enjoyment and diversity of lesbian sex while also identifying activities that are more or less popular than others. The table on page 3607 is especially interesting, since they found that lesbian women experienced giving oral sex only 2% more often than heterosexual women. They were 12% more likely to receive it, though.
In my eyes, that’s reassuring to read because it confirms that while lesbians are regularly enjoying oral sex (giving and receiving), we’re not as far removed from our heterosexual counterparts as the media might have us think. That media exposure includes porn, social media personalities, advice columns (hah!), and educational information. The dominant perception of lesbian relationships is that we should be eating each other out as much as we can. And those of us who aren’t always comfortable face guilt and pressure to not be like those selfish men in heterosexual relationships.
This leads to a degree of survivorship bias where the lesbians who are willing to talk about oral sex are the ones enthusiastically giving it. Those of us with more complex feelings or different tastes are pressed into keeping quiet.
You and your partner both deserve fulfilling sex lives, but if it comes down to strict boundaries, you’re allowed those as well. Since you want to overcome this, I’m guessing it hasn’t gotten to that point yet. That’s good. Just remember that we’re allowed to have boundaries. Even if they’re irrational or collide with the mainstream.
Questioning
You repeatedly mentioned a taste and smell turning you off. That raises the possibility of this being a pH imbalance or health issue like bacterial vaginosis (BV). The challenge here is that your girlfriend is the only woman you’ve been with, so you don’t have a taste sample to compare it to. What I can say to that is that there is no ‘typical’ vaginal scent. There’s a whole band of scents that go into the realm of ‘normal’ though. Think of muskiness, slight saltiness, something heady and warm, tanginess, or a bit sour. Those are in the normal-and-healthy band.
Our noses are pretty good at detecting things that are ‘off’ or overtly infected. It’s an evolved survival necessity. Even a germaphobe like me can tell the difference between ‘unpleasant because I’m a germaphobe’ and ‘unpleasant in a concerning way’. Even if you can’t sample the bouquet yourself, this article has apt descriptions for scents on the good and worrying side of the spectrum. Consult it. Try to separate that grossed out voice in your head from your decision-making faculties and ask where her scent lies on the scale. If it’s pretty far into the worrisome side, you may need this conversation.
Pragmatics
I’m autistic and tackling problems with a task-oriented mindset is my favorite thing.
Okay, so whether or not you remember her like a wine tasting and compare your memories to the Cleveland Clinic taste profiles I mentioned, you still want to do something about it. I’ll rattle off some suggestions. If I’m lucky, some of them will fit your scenario.
Dental dams
A mouth condom is preferable to touching fluid you’re averse to. Since you’re not doing it for disease prevention, you can even wash it gently with water and a very mild cleanser to mute the dental dam taste. If you’re fine with the taste of a dental dam, that’s great. Lick one on your own to see how you feel. If you think it’s doable, talk it out with your partner as a possible
Sever your scent
I’ve got a keen sense of smell, sensory processing issues, and vulnerability to scent-triggered headaches. My life can suck but it also positions me to give you good advice about scent and taste.
Your sense of taste is tied to smell. Blocking your nose or overwhelming the receptors inside makes it much harder to taste. Similarly, breathing through your mouth will reduce taste from any source. I am a fervent clenched-teeth mouth breather in public restrooms. Even clean ones. Hell, I’m 30 and I still pinch my nose to take distasteful medication.
So block your sense of smell. Discreet insertable nose plugs, maybe? Also, breathe through your mouth when giving oral. It’s what I do, and some partners find the panting hot. It’s as if I’m actually drowning down there. The nuclear option in this line of thought is to apply a bit of vapor rub to the entrance of your nostrils to overwhelm your nose. Please discuss it with your girlfriend before you spring nose plugs or Vick’s on her. If she doesn’t see it coming, it could go really badly for her self-esteem.
Start a flood
Flood her southern post code with slobber. It’s lubricating, messy hot, and it’ll dilute the scents you dislike. This one comes courtesy of my bi and hetero friends who want to give oral to men but are also averse to the scent or fluid. Just drown the area. Dump saliva onto your tongue and square inch within reach. It can ease your mind by giving it the impression of laying down a ‘barrier’ between you and other fluids. It will dilute her fluids and scents a bit and our bodies are always more comfortable with the house brand fluid than other people’s. Once you have a rhythm going, you can even lose yourself in the enthusiasm and make it really enjoyable.
There we go. Everything I’ve got to say is compiled into three sections. I tried to cover your guilt, possible medical reasons, and usable solutions. If it seems like a lot, that’s because it is. A relationship challenge like this is never just one person’s behavior or an adjustment to routine. There’s always a layer or five underneath. Your situation sounds like the interplay of social pressure, psychological aversion, and human anatomy. All of that should be addressed before we phone in a solution. All I dare hope for is that you come away with some useful thoughts.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
Comments
Flooding and mouth breathing, truly 💦 Nice to see fellow vibes-based sensory ~wOoOp~ about this, it was a reassuring read <3
We love to please our partners, but sometimes our irrational sensitivities get in the way. I call flooding the area ‘salivary saturation bombardment’ and just… go in hard on it. A protip I got from blowjobs was that enthusiasm can’t make up entirely for technique, but it’s almost impossible to go wrong with enthusiasm.
I want to add: why not do food play? Whipped cream and strawberrys can do wonders on genitalia, both for the eater, and the eatee.
Please dont give people with vulvas horrible infections by putting whipped cream on their privates holy crap that is a bad idea.
The answer is very interesting ! Finding a pussy’s smell gross is such a strong word, i understand some people can be overwhelmed by natural body odours but i wanted to add a little something to this list.
In my personal experience, whenever i didn’t like the way my partner smelled, i realized later that i was not totally attracted to them or we lacked a deeper connection. To me the way we react to our partner odours is a chemical clue to our general compatibility. When i am truly into my partner, I am crazy about everything about them physically. Sometimes I stayed for the wrong reasons (like not wanting to be alone)
I know you’ve been together for 2 years, and i don’t want to make you feel guilty about anything… But i think it’s very important to ask yourself how attracted you are to your partner before putting vick’s in your nostrils. Please don’t force yourself to do anything you don’t want to – ever.
Good luck <3
There are lots of smells tho. I love the way my wife’s skin smells but don’t love going down on her because of her (perfectly healthy) smell. I wouldn’t base a relationship decision on this myself (and we have been very happily married for nearly 20 years).
I loved all of this advice so much and I hope that the LW and their gf can make good use of it!!! I just want to say please DO NOT put Vicks on your nose because your nose (yes, even the inside of your nose) is – in my experience – pretty likely to touch your gf’s junk and I just do not see how getting Vicks into contact with anyone’s crotch can end well. Like… Is it just me? That shit would burn, right? Anyway maybe this is not a concern for people who go into oral with more of a controlled approach and less of a “putting the dive into muff diving” approach. Just wanted to share my 2 cents.
YES OMG i screamed when i saw that part – please don’t do this y’all. imagine vicks in your vagina, I feel like that would burn so bad.
Try Lorals. They are fantastic for this. Talk with your partner of course first.
“I just do not see how getting Vicks into contact with anyone’s crotch can end well. Like… Is it just me?”
Could be!
No, I’m sure you have plenty of company. But just doesn’t include Me.
It burns a little bit, almost in a pleasant way. Afaik it isn’t dangerous when used externally, obviously don’t douse yourselves down under.
Maybe instead of Vicks… A flavored lubricant that the receiver does not have an adverse reaction to! Plus maybe finding a flavor you really like will help.
Can’t she compare the taste and scent to her own? We women always have a point of comparison, unlike our straight sisters!
If you don’t want to do it, don’t. Period. If your girlfriend finds that to be a dealbreaker, better y’all figure it out now than before you’ve spontaneously uprooted your whole life in First Girlfriend Frenzy. You have fingers, there are toys, lots of parts that aren’t a vulva are erogenous.
Ultimately I think out of everything everyone has said I agree with this the most. No matter what it is, don’t force yourself into sex acts you don’t want to perform. It’s a recipe for disaster.
I want to second this. And i don’t understand the obsession with oral. There are whole cultures who don’t do oral. Also, i don’t think it was such a big thing in the past. Maybe it really has to do with porn.
Oh this is so reassuring- I don’t even like my *own* smell (gyn assures me everything is balanced, healthy, etc) and the thought of tasting that smell is really off-putting to me. I’ve also heard of laurels, which are basically dental dam panties that can make it feel less clinical and more sexy…
Summer I love how you structured this response!! I want everyone to give me advice with reassurance, questioning, and pragmatics sections omg.
I agree with everyone’s responses and just wanted to add, have you talked to your girlfriend about this? You mentioned it’s starting to take a toll on your relationship and you don’t want to hurt her feelings or her self-esteem, but I think you’re more likely to hurt her feelings by not saying anything & letting her wonder what’s wrong, than by broaching the subject head-on. If you decide that giving oral is just not something you want to do, that’s totally valid and worth an honest conversation to let her know how you’re feeling. Also who knows how she feels! It could be that this is really no big deal for her; or maybe it’s actually really important to her. The the only way you’ll both have all the info and be able to make an informed decision is if you have an honest conversation about it.
And then on the flip side- if you genuinely want to figure out a good way to go down on her, I think there’s a way to broach it with her so that it’s not framed as you being the problem, or her vagina being the problem, but instead a puzzle for the two of you to figure out together, as a team. My gf and I have had some health-related challenges with our sex life over the years and I’ve always appreciated it when we’ve framed it not as a problem with one or the other of us, but as something for us to take on as a team. In a weird way, it has actually made it fun to experiment and figure out what works!
It sounds like she’s already picked up on your hesitance to go down on her, so I bet she could use some reassurance. I wonder if that’s something you could do together- to bring her into the problem-solving and also reassure her that it’s not her, there’s nothing wrong with the way she smells or tastes, it’s a sensory thing.
I don’t remember why I tried it, maybe I was discovering a new kink, but I’ve dabbed vicks on my clit. It tingles but if you put too much it does burn. I’d once gone down on an exe right after removing peppermint gum from my mouth. I remember they were like why is it tingling. That actually may have been the catalyst for the experiment. 😬
OMG this is the kind of community crowdsourcing that we need on this website 😭😭😭👌 Thank you for your sapphic science service. Now we know.
I’ve accidently gave my gf’s privates a burning sensation by going down after spicy food… That was an educational experience
I find that sometimes just maybe touching your partner with some flavored lube can really help the situation if you’re feeling nervous or you’re not completely comfortable with the taste. Flavor lube comes in a plethora of sense and flavors.
I feel so seen! So, like Summer, I’m autistic and my sense of smell is extremely acute. I’m also a sex-neutral ace lesbian, so I do occasionally have sex with women and enjoy it. For me personally, adding my own saliva into the mix doesn’t mitigate the smell issue, and in fact makes the overall sensory picture worse. The texture that reads as slick on my fingers (hot!) reads as slimy on/in my mouth (completely unacceptable!), so to the OP: Consider me another voice from the “your sensory boundaries are 100% valid, and it’s worth having an honest, vulnerable conversation with your partner to find out if she’s okay with just not receiving oral from you” camp. If she is, the removal of that expectation/guilt may actually make sex even better for both of you. Less stress usually does!
Two years and no reciprocation? Yikes. There’s no way I would continue dating someone who couldn’t or wouldn’t go down on me. Best of luck to letter writer’s girlfriend in finding someone else.
My two cents – I also have an Enormously sensitive sense of smell and don’t love going down on people. My wife has never minded not receiving and never pressured me about it but I wanted to try to find a workaround because I know she enjoys and I wanted her to have that. We worked out that if she has just had a bath, there’s hardly any smell, and my general squick factor just reduces by a million. I actually enjoy giving head in this scenario. We don’t do it that often but when we do it works for both of us.
One other suggestion – this is person dependent but she is also quicker to come the second time, so I often will use my fingers and then use my mouth for the encore.
The crucial thing about our sex life is that we are very open about our wants and needs and so she knew I found the smell overwhelming and didn’t enjoy it. And when I felt like I was a ‘bad lesbian’ cuz I didn’t enjoy giving oral, she was the first to reassure me that was not the case. She never wanted me to do something I wasn’t enjoying – aside from obvious consent and emotional consideration issues, she also didn’t find it hot if I was having to force myself into it! I would suggest a frank discussion with your partner, one in which you focus on your feelings/sensations (ie, not her smell but strong smells generally) and use neutral language. Think about how you would want to receive communication like this. Communication is almost always the answer imo!
In the shower is genius and so hot. I can’t believe I’ve never thought of that.
This is an awesome article, and OP is valid coming from someone who dislikes receiving oral but typically likes giving. I also really find its a person by person situation – there are some women and enbies who I don’t mesh with body chemistry wise and there’s that. Signs of this include disliking or being neutral to kissing them. I can ignore it but I have the nose of a labrador so it’s always internally distracting. Sometimes someone’s body smell changes as I get to know them, but usually it’s pretty consistent and I just have to set that boundary. OP can definitely make it up by playing up their strengths and focusing on giving in other physical ways.
Hmm. I think the line, “it just feels to me like an area of the body that your mouth just should not go near,” is really being lost here. As a person who has felt a lot of selfconsciousness about people going down on me I want to honor the partner in this. It’s one thing to be overwhelmed by a sensory experience but that’s not the whole story here even though it’s what everyone is focused on… I had to do a lot of unlearning of internalized misogyny and relating to MY body differently. If my partner was like, yeah I can go down on you if it tastes like grape jelly… would not feel good for me. I’ll also say I felt a little ouch related to the health note after the OP already named that health wasn’t an issue. Sex should feel enjoyable to all the folks involved. There are people who don’t want their partners to go down on them and that might be a better situation. If it is something the OP wants to work on. I don’t think it should be at the expense of their partners self esteem.