I gradually starting noticing a few things were missing, but what if I’m wrong?

Q

Weird situation here that I have been too paranoid to talk to my other friends about, but I’m pretty sure one of my friends stole a few things from me and I’m not sure how to go about confronting her and I’m starting to feel crazy. For context, this friend and I are pretty close! We probably see each other a few times a month, but not quite weekly because we both have busy schedules. We met in college and stayed friends after graduation and share a lot of friends in common. We got closer within the past few months, which is also around when I asked if she could catsit for me while I was away on holiday for two weeks. She was really happy especially to have some solo time because she’s always having drama with her roommate.

I thought it went well! My cat was happy, and my friend sent me little updates about the cat and the house. I’ve had a lot of bad luck with rando petsitters in the past, and I much prefer when someone can actually stay at my house instead of just coming in to check on the cat periodically, so this felt like such a relief and an ideal situation to have a friend be able to do this for me. I was certain I’d use her again the next time I went out of town.

When I got home, I gradually started noticing a few things were missing, including a ceramic bowl, one of my eyeshadow palettes, a really nice candle, and a dress. The bowl is one I use often, and the eyeshadow palette I use pretty often, too. So they’re things that generally live in the same places and that I generally know the location of. I don’t wear the dress super often, but it’s a favorite. It took me only a few days to notice all these things were misplaced or missing, but I was also a little disoriented from jetlag and I had left for vacation in such a chaotic rush that I convinced myself initially that I’d just put them somewhere off or something. But now I’m 100% sure they’re nowhere in the apartment. I’ve looked everywhere, and my place isn’t even that big! The only rational conclusion I can come to is that my friend took them with her, but that doesn’t feel like a rational conclusion at all!

I haven’t wanted to ask or tell any of our other friends about it, because what if I’m wrong? It feels like an extreme thing to accuse a friend of. The other thing is that I can’t even figure out why she would take them, it’s not like they’re particularly valuable or coveted. I have the means to replace them easily, and if she took them, she must be struggling with something, right? I actually started to wonder if I was the one who messed up because I did get her a gift while I was on holiday (and stocked the fridge for her with foods I knew she liked) but I didn’t pay her cash to catsit, and maybe I should have done that even though she was my friend. I found myself wondering if she’s stolen from her roommate and that’s why they’re always at odds? I hate having these thoughts about a close friend.

So now I’m hesitant to have her catsit again, and I’m just feeling weird around it overall.

A

Summer: Well this is complicated. But I will say you don’t have to assume that someone who steals is doing it out of necessity. And if someone stole from you, it’s definitely not your fault for not doing ‘enough’. She made an agreement to catsit and by living at your place, there was an implicit agreement that she wouldn’t… commit any property crimes. If someone stole from you, it’s not your fault. Friendships are not an arrangement where if we feel like we’re not getting enough, we can resort to actual crimes to get what we want.

If you want to discuss this with other friends or even her, the way to approach it is generally to start without an accusation. Bring it up as a hey, I can’t find some of my stuff that I use regularly. Have you seen it? Or this is so weird, but I think some of my stuff was gone when I got back. And work from there.

If you have the means to replace your stuff reasonably easily, that’s great. But if your suspicions are this strong and the thought of her presence feels uneasy, I think it’s safe to not have her catsit again.

Do give the li’l rascal a pet for me though.

Nico: I do think you should be prepared for never having an answer. If she did it, she might deny it forever. As Summer pointed out, people do not necessarily steal out of financial need, especially not things like used makeup palettes. So this could be something else, whether it’s entitlement or a bit of a klepto problem.

I definitely wouldn’t talk to other people about it unless you were certain (and even then, maybe be choosey if you feel the need), as it’s a serious accusation to make of a friend, and maybe your stuff will just turn up. However, you can gently ask her if she saw any of these things while she was sitting. You can even say you think you maybe misplaced them while packing. You can also ask her if she perhaps had anyone else over. If she acts weird, well, you absolutely do not have to have her catsit again, though I agree it’s a shame. If you want to be very devious, you can have her and some others over for a little get together after you ask her about the missing items, and see if anything shows back up 😂

As for the terms of your catsit — it’s so hard to say what’s fair! Friends make trades all the time and every agreement has so many particular variables. A break from her roommates, alone time, and a stocked fridge might be a good deal, especially if you have a cozy space. That was up to you two to decide and up to her to decline if it didn’t work for her. So, if she needed cash, stealing your stuff wasn’t the way to get it — asking was. That said, in the future, it might make you feel better if you find someone who looks at it as more of a ‘job,’ at least for the time being. I’m sorry this happened! It’s difficult!

My Girlfriend Doesn’t Want Me To See My Ex

Q

I recently moved in to my girlfriend’s apartment after one year together and I’ve started to feel like I made a mistake. I’m close friends with an ex of mine. We dated ten years ago, she’s recently divorced but there’s no romance there between us and we really are just friends. She’s coming to a nearby city for a work conference next month and so I got a day off work to drive up there and have lunch with her, I haven’t seen her in two years since she lives across the country now. I told my girlfriend this and asked if I could reach out to the dogwalker she used to use to walk her dog before I moved in — she doesn’t need a dog walker anymore now that we live together, because I work from home and can take care of her dog. (He is a senior dog with some health issues.) The way she has reacted is super weird. She wouldn’t give me the dog-walkers info and said I could find someone on my own if I needed to “fuck off and see my ex” instead of being at home with her dog. I did find a friend who could do it and she later said she was sorry, she was just stressed from work, but also not sure why I would “need” to be friends with an ex. I have been friends with this ex for ten years and we really truly are just friends, there’s nothing romantic there. I’ve always thought it was a good thing that I’ve maintained friendships with my exes. She does not talk to any of her exes. Is this a red flag?

A

Kayla: It’snot inherently a red flag that your gfisn’tfriends with any exes andit’salso not inherently a red flag that you are friends with one.You did nothing wrong that I can detect from your letter.The best thing you can do now is actually address the issue head on by talking to your gf about her outsized reaction.I know she said she was stressed at work, but she clearly has some underlying feelings about your friendship with this ex.And in order to keep things healthy,it’llbe good for you to ask her outright about those feelings while also making it clear to herthat you’regoing to continue this friendship.The dog walker stuff is super immature—even if you do work from home,it’sreasonable to assume there will be times you have to step out for a day, whetherthat’sto see this friend, another one, or idk for an appointment or something.I bet she would have given you the dog walker’s numberif you’dhad to do anything other than seeing this one ex, andthat’sultimately the issue here: her feelings about your friendship with an ex.So address it and explain to her that whileit’sfineshe isn’tfriends with her exes,that doesn’tgive her a right to police your own approach to breakups/friendships.

Riese: Okay so I thought you were asking if her reaction was a red flag but now I see that maybe you were asking if her not being friends with her exes is a red flag —I feel shitty making a judgment like this on something that could impact your entire life from one paragraph of information but no, being friends or not with exes means nothing AND yes, her reaction to you seeing your ex does feel like, at least… a yellow flag? There’s nothing wrong with maintaining friendships with exes, sometimes exes are cool people with whom a romantic relationship simply didn’t work out. Some of my exes have been some of my greatest friends. I’m happy your friend is coming to your side of the country and that you get to see her, and I think your girlfriend should be happy too.

Laneia: Yeah for me the glaring issue here is her disrespect for relationships you’ve had, and will continue to have, outside of the one you have with her. I don’t think it’s a flag in either direction if someone is or isn’t friends with their exes — some people (ahem) simply love a clean break! But questioning the value of your 10-year friendship?? Absolutely not.

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