My Girlfriend Wants To Move In, but I’m Not Sure I’m Ready.
Q
Hello genius advice givers, I need an answer ASAP PLEASE: I’ve been dating my gf for 8 months and everything’s wonderful and it’s been so much fun, we’re silly in love and have been really intentional about making sure we keep our own interests and friends outside of the relationship because we didn’t want to just MERGE immediately like we’ve seen others do (and have done ourselves tbh). I’m lucky enough to have bought a small home during the pandemic and I’ve LOVED living here, alone. Of course she’s stayed over, sometimes for days, and she’s very tidy and we have a great time, but she always goes back to her apartment with her two roommates. The problem is, their lease is up soon and she’s flat out asked if she could move in with me, pay rent, and use the second bedroom, which is currently my little hobby room. The thought of losing this room makes me want to cry, but I also really love her and I know how hard and awful it can be to find new roommates, especially in this city.
This all feels way too fast to me, but when I try to see it objectively it doesn’t seem that fast really. It makes economic sense for both of us, I do love being with her, and I think it could be fun! But then, my space! My house. I’ve been so proud of the work I’ve done on it and how I’ve made it my own. I don’t know if I’m actually ready to let it be someone else’s too? Am I overthinking this? Is it sometimes better to just go with the thing that makes economic sense?
A
Summer: Are you overthinking this? Maybe, but this is serious to you and it’s worth overthinking a little. Is it sometimes better to go with an economically sensible decision? Of course, but is this that time?
I feel your terror. I’m an intensely insulated person who falls apart without my sense of ‘place’. People have broken up with me (partly) because I wanted them to hang out at mine far more than I was willing to go to theirs because this is my happy cave.
But I’ve also cohabited for close to 8 years with my girlfriend. And we moved in together after half a year. Truthfully, if you are really, really ready to move in together, the pros of them moving into their space will outweigh the cons. So many pros! Someone to share chores with. Being around your favourite person permanently. Shared bills. Leaning on each other for support. And yes, if you want those perks, you’ll have to compromise on your space. You’ll have to (literally) give up some of it to make it a home for them as well. Only you’ll know the answer to whether you’re ready to not just ‘move her in’, but make your home hers and share it together.
If you’re ready and this is the anxiety of losing out on your status quo, then it’s something you can work through. But if you’re truly unready and the thought is distressing to you no matter what, it’s far better to wait until you feel ready than force yourself out of your own comfort zone in the hope that things will be better.
Nico: This is tough! Living with another person is a super personal decision, and it is one that you need to make for yourself, outside of what your girlfriend may want right now, or what may be easier or more convenient for her — or more affordable for you both. Summer has some solid advice, but if I can add another thought experiment, can you ask yourself if you’ve pictured having someone, a romantic partner or otherwise, move into your space, and what that’s looked like in your head? Then, if you think about things with your girlfriend moving in going ideally, what does that look like? How close do you think reality is going to get to your ideal situation? Where do you think you’ll have to compromise? Where do you think she will have to compromise? At what point of compromise do you think it will no longer be worth the effort to you, or will actually be harmful. Can you identify how likely it is that you’d reach a point where living together is not beneficial, or do you think you’re closer to it being a kind of “net good?” Sometimes, we’re pushed toward making choices because of economic circumstances, and that is very real, and you two may wind up loving living together because capitalism and timing kind of forced the issue, but I hope you feel like you can take your concerns seriously, and like you deserve the chance to really think things through before going through with a move-in. It could be beautiful, it could be terrible, but you are the person actually inside of your relationship and you are going to have to search for the answer. My recommendation, ultimately, is that you spend some time visioning various possibilities and outcomes to see how you feel, rather than just trying to weigh material pro’s and cons. Good luck!
I Feel Hurt By My Best Friend Rejecting My Mom’s Dinner Invitation
Q
Let me start by saying my Mom can be annoying, I know that, she’s very loud and Long Island, but she loves me dearly. My Dad died five years ago and she recently decided to move out of where they lived together into her FEMALE BEST FRIEND’s house (i know, i know!!!!!!!! but that’s not even what this question is about). Coincidentally, my (gay male) best friend (of 10 years) and his husband and I just bought a house together and are in the moving process now. (I’m aromantic and don’t aspire to marry or live with a partner or anything so this is ideal for me even if it probably sounds weird.)
Anyhow, my Mom gave a ton of stuff to us from her old house for our new house that she could’ve sold but wanted us to have it. Like a LOT of stuff — furniture, art, a vintage record player, random tools. Because of her generosity we’re saving tons of money. After a whole day of her just going through giving us stuff, getting it ready and us packing it up to go, she wanted to take us out to dinner.
My best friend privately was like “I’m sorry i can’t spend another hour with your mom!! I need to decompress!!” and I felt STUNG by this, so hurt, and also that it was rude? Like she spent all day giving us stuff!! Now she wants to buy us dinner! Anyhow I made an excuse for him to my Mom, that he already had plans, and I just had dinner with her alone, it was fine, she believed me.
I don’t know if I am doing to him what people do to romantic partners they just made a huge commitment to where because of this house I am second-guessing everything or looking for problems that normally wouldn’t bother me. But his response really hurt me and irked me. I haven’t mentioned it to him since it happened but I keep dwelling on it. I don’t know why. Should I bring it up with him or just get over it?
A
Summer: You’re not wrong for feeling hurt, especially with such a solid relationship with your mom and having received STUFF. Hell, lots of people who dislike relatives would be willing to stomach a dinner if the material benefits were this large.
As for your best friend… I feel a connection to them because I am deeply sensitive to social exhaustion, noise, and just general stress. I live your best friend’s feelings every single day, and I can’t help but think they were expressing valid feelings too bluntly. He may not have recognized the importance of this dinner to you, or was just so disoriented/frustrated that he really needed decompression time. I want to believe that he had no bad intentions. Sometimes, appropriate desires and intentions get expressed badly and the message sours the outcome.
It’s okay for you to dwell on it, because it did hurt you. If it bothers you this much and you’re not sure about your ability to cope, talking to him might be a good idea. Just keep in mind that he may have blind spots that missed what you were seeing. Or he had needs and expressed them poorly. I don’t think either of you are in the wrong here.
Valerie: I think your friend definitely could have expressed not wanting to go to dinner a lot more respectfully. Asking for a rain check, or just saying he’s too exhausted. I understand that some people can be A Lot, especially if they’re not YOUR people, but saying that directly to you in that manner was a bit tactless. Even if your mother WAS being annoying, that’s something he could have kept to himself. I think it’s reasonable for you to have a conversation about better ways he could communicate feeling burnt out with you, or even just how he talks about your mother. You can explain that his comment made you feel like he didn’t appreciate everything she did for you all, even if that was not his intention, and ask him to be a little more thoughtful about his word choice regarding your mom and/or his need to decompress in the future. Especially if you’re going to be living together, being able to communicate without hurting each other’s feelings (or communicate when you inevitably and inadvertently do) is so important, so this is as good a place as any to start.
Riese: I’m also a person who requires a lot of time to decompress and would be overwhelmed by the day you described — but I think you’re within your rights to be annoyed at your friend. I also don’t know from your question if this was a case of an introvert often needing time to decompress or if it is a case of a person who finds your mom specifically annoying not wanting to be around her anymore. If it’s the latter, he’s being a jerk! Even if it’s not — sometimes even the most anxious and depressed and stressed and introverted amongst us simply have to suck it up. Your Mom was generous to the both of you and then wanted a little quality time in return. That’s not too much for her to ask. I think younger people are very versed in this experience of wanting to set boundaries, respect our various social styles, etc. But older people often really don’t get that, they take it personally, so sometimes we have to bend to their needs, especially when they’re being generous with us. So I think it’s worth having a conversation with your friend about.
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LW2: my mom is like your mom but I am like your friend. My mother will spend an entire day offering, giving, asking, suggesting – and while it’s well-intentioned and her way of showing care, it’s EXHAUSTING to me (and my wife) because every single one of those offers and asks and suggestions requires an answer, and then follow-up to the answer, and then there’s another offer or ask right behind it, and every single one of those answers depletes another of my social spoons. I can easily wear out in an hour or two from that level of constant interaction and need for feedback, meaning a) I need to take myself to an environment where I’m not expected to respond and b) my ability to be tactful and delicate is somewhat impaired because my brain is so wiped out. I also tend to use eating time as recharging time, which doesn’t mesh well with people who consider eating time to be social time. If this is the case with your friend, it has way more to do with how he functions than it is about your mom or how he feels about her. It sounds like you’re feeling protective of her, which is really lovely, but you may not need to be. :)
LW1, I feel you *deeply*. I’m in a somewhat reverse situation, where I still live in the house I bought with my partner who then left, but I truly cannot imagine allowing anyone else into this space ever again. That’s eased for me by the fact that I’ve discovered I’m aroace and have no desire to date again, but even if I did, keeping my own space would be nonnegotiable at this point. I have so much empathy for your situation because that’s HARD to explain to people who are coming from different paradigms, especially if moving in together is something your partner has maybe been implicitly expecting to happen at some point. I don’t have a concrete answer for you, except to encourage you to stay strong on what you truly feel is going to be best for you. If you know having your partner move in isn’t what you want, don’t let it happen. That might hurt your partner. It might even be a deal breaker for them. But letting it happen and then having things go to shit is MUCH messier and less fun for everyone involved. On the other hand, if the idea that this might be a deal breaker for you partner inspires instant terror, then maybe that’s an answer in and of itself! Wishing you all the best <3
LW2, I agree with much of the advice given here. I also see both sides of the situation, as someone who has very limited social spoons but also a very close knit immediate family. Some things require giving out spoons, even when we don't have many to give. That's a fact of life, and sometimes it's worth it to prioritize or strengthen relationships even if it means draining your own battery a little. I also understand that sometimes when we hit the wall, we don't phrase things as tactfully as we might otherwise. Personally I'd probably let this one go and chalk it up to an unfortunate confluence of events/timing, but if you notice it becoming a pattern (or if it already is) I don't think it's unreasonable to bring it up with your friend!
LW1 – I agree with the advice above, but wanted to chime in to say that even if you DO want to move in together eventually, it’s totally valid if you don’t feel ready yet. I think advice about whether or not to move in with someone is often geared towards whether you EVER want to move in with that person, but sometimes the person is great and you’d love to live with them… just not yet.
I was ready to move in with my then-girlfriend (now wife!) after about 8 months – but she wasn’t ready until about two, almost three years together. It made sense economically, but she just wasn’t ready. And that was okay! And I’m SO glad she told me that she wasn’t ready, and that we didn’t move in together until we both felt ready, because there are so many logistical challenges about living together (in addition to all the wonderful, lovely things!) and it was easier to tackle the challenges together knowing that it was something we both really wanted.
I also want to add that even though I was ready to move in together first and my wife wasn’t, she was ready to get married before I was! So it doesn’t have anything to do with the commitment or the love there. I think we’re all just ready for things at the pace we’re ready for them, and it’s okay if that pace is different for you.
Also! When thinking about whether to move in together, I really appreciated Riese’s article: https://develop.autostraddle.com/you-need-help-how-soon-is-too-soon-to-u-haul-get-married-have-ten-babies-be-together-forever-and-ever-and-ever-and-ever-345746/. The sentence “When you live separately, you choose to spend time together, and that choice is deliberate and special, it’s not a default” has been living rent-free (lol) in my head since 2016. It helped me really value our lives living separately, and even now, living together, it’s something I still think about in terms of how to spend time together deliberately.
Lastly, I think with stuff like this there isn’t necessarily an “objective” right or wrong way to move forward – you feel how you feel, and that’s okay!