Q:

Prefacing this by saying I’m learning to love myself like everyone else. I’m not religious and I’m pretty sex-positive despite not having the most experience. And as it may be important to contextualize my experience, I identify as cis-female queer/bi and am in a committed, safe relationship with my afab-NB partner.

Self-pleasure feels great in the moment. I want to stay in it, and do sometimes, because the drop off is horrible. I feel awful afterwards. It’s gotten a bit easier when I’m being more vanilla, but I was spicier today and almost immediately wanted to cry. When it’s anyone else I’m like go off get yours! Idk if it’s past trauma or what (I’ve long since been in therapy) but I just feel really sad about feeling sad.

It’s 2024, am I the only one left on the planet who feels enormous shame after self-pleasure? I’m almost 30! Idk how to recover from this, but I think I just want to know it’s possible…

A:

You definitely aren’t alone in feeling shame about self-pleasure. Even if you aren’t religious, US-based Western culture is still inherently modest, making pleasure taboo and something to be earned. The personal effects of these cultural values at large can have a lasting, subconscious impact that often doesn’t even make sense to us. Furthermore, there could be a lot of personal trauma associated with self-pleasure (as you suggested). Only a therapist would be able to help you better understand how your specific traumas might play into your discomfort with self-pleasure. Many people I know (myself included) self-pleasure as a way of escaping or grasping for a high, so when that high suddenly stops, you’re left feeling even worse than when you started. Some folks experience a turbulent mixture of dysphoria and euphoria when masturbating. Others are still working through the residual shame of giving themselves something they want and have a right to.

No matter what the trigger may be, I noticed you’re feeling some type of way about your feelings on the matter: “I just feel really sad about feeling sad.” We all judge our emotions, but it could be helpful to reframe judgment as curiosity. Why are you disappointed in your sadness? What exactly is the sadness attached to? Is sadness inherently a bad thing? Furthermore, I’d be curious to know if your feelings change depending on the type of self-pleasure you engage in and who you may or may not be with. Are you masturbating in front of your partner? Is your partner wanting to get you off instead of you trying to get yourself off? Are you feeling bad about wanting to self-pleasure over having sex with them? I realize I’m asking more questions than answering yours, but I believe the key to figuring out sex-related issues is asking the right questions.

No matter what answers you have to my questions or your own, I want you to remember you’re allowed to take things at your own slow pace, even if that pace doesn’t make sense to you. Our bodies can tell us the truth a lot sooner than our minds can, so part of sex is honoring those senses even if we can’t quite figure them out. Your body is sending some pretty clear signals that spicy isn’t doing it for whatever reason. Trust that and slow things down, even if it feels embarrassing or pointless. Invite people or things into your self-pleasure space that feel comfortable and support yourself in every way you can. You are worthy of pleasure and trust!

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

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