It’s Masturbation May! Once again, we’re publishing a sticky handful of articles on the delights and the woes of solo pleasure-seeking. Here are some tips on how to masturbate when you’re sexually repressed.

I had my first tryst with another girl when I was in sixth grade, yet it took me ten more years to realize I was gay when I started crushing on — you guessed it — my college roommate. Never mind that 85% of my masturbatory fantasies involved women and nonbinary people. Pish-posh.

Raised in a culture of white Christian Southerners as a second-generation Indian kid, I didn’t encounter any positive messages about queer or trans people until I was in college, and there were plenty of homophobic slurs being slung around at school. We didn’t talk about bodies, sex, or pleasure growing up, and so, considering the context, I’ve experienced my fair share of sexual repression.

You might be sexually repressed if you were raised in a homophobic family or culture. Maybe you practice (or used to practice) a religion that forbids homosexuality, sex for pleasure, and — yep — masturbation.

If that’s been your experience, you might not feel particularly free when it comes to self-pleasure. Maybe you only do it at night under the covers. Maybe you only do it when you’re blasted out of your mind. Maybe you only think about the gender you were taught to be attracted to, or maybe you don’t masturbate at all. No matter what you’re dealing with, I have faith that you can masturbate and enjoy it.

As a former therapist, I know that embracing masturbation as a tool for pleasure, for activism, for decolonization — for, dare I say, liberation?! — can be tough. So how the heck do you do it when shame is getting in your way? Here are my tips for repressed queer folks that might help you get comfortable with masturbation.

Create a comfortable space for masturbation.

Make a nice lil sex nest for yourself while you’re getting comfortable with masturbation. Blankets, pillows, props, water, lighting, sex toys if you’re planning to use them. A nice pair of warm socks is my personal favorite. Cold feet are so distracting!

It can be nice to have extra time to devote to masturbating at the beginning, too. Maybe don’t start when you have to go somewhere in 20 minutes. If you absolutely must get it in (been there), figure out how long it’ll take you to transition (wash up, get dressed, etc). Then set a timer for that amount of time so you know when you have to get up and go without rushing.

Having some time at home alone be helpful, if you have that privilege. If your family, partner, or housemates are going out, jump on that opportunity. Even if you trust your dwelling-mates to knock, it can be nice to know that no one’s gonna walk in on you wrist deep.

Notice your shame.

When you’re considering masturbation, you might start to feel ~eMoTioNs~. Namely, shame.

If you’re masturbating, if you’re about to masturbate, or if you’re just thinking about masturbation and you start to feel shame, take a break. Notice the shame in your body or mind. What stories are coming up for you? What does the shame feel like? Whose voice is talking to you? How old is this shame feeling? How old is the “you” who feels this shame?

Once you notice those feelings — feel them. While “coping strategies” like reading a book or going for a walk can be helpful, you have to feel your feelings, or they’ll just keep building up forever and ever.

If you’re just not ready to try masturbating yet, that’s okay — sit with your feelings, go slow, and be gentle with yourself.

Remember that fantasies are just fantasies.

Fantasies are figments of your imagination. They exist in your own mind, and no one has to know about them. Heck, you don’t even have to WANT to act on them. They’re just thoughts — that’s it.

It’s okay if you want to think about having sex in a synagogue. Or with your former boss. Or in a temple. Or with your college field hockey teammates. You can think about whatever you want, because your thoughts aren’t hurting or bothering anybody! Thinking about scenarios that feel off-limits can be very sexy. If the scenarios in your erotic imagination shock you, choosing to think through them might remind you that it’s okay to have fantasies about all kinds of situations.

Use all of your senses.

When you’re fantasizing, remember to use all of your senses. The sound of someone’s voice saying your name. The feeling of lying on a sandy beach with the sun hazing out your thoughts. How it felt to go skydiving the month before you went to college. The taste of something you really love. The smell of your crush’s deodorant. Sensations are fair game, so use ‘em!

If imagining a full-blown scenario is too overwhelming or brings up too much shame, try focusing on just one of your senses — a sound, a smell, or a sensation. One great way to ground yourself if you get overwhelmed is the 5-4-3-2-1 method — focus, one at a time, on five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.

Experiment with touch.

In case you’re having trouble actually touching your genitals or other parts of your body that turn you on, there are tons of other ways to get comfortable with masturbating. Try touching parts of your body that feel less sexual to you, like your arms, your hands, or your feet. You can touch your erogenous zones over your clothes or undies, too, when you start to feel more relaxed. And if using your hands is just too much, feel free to use a sex toy instead as a bit of a buffer and aid to your pleasure. It’s all fair game!

If you’re still struggling to masturbate without shame or if you’re struggling to masturbate at all, I get it. Masturbation is something that’s challenging for many people, especially when you’re coming from faith or cultural communities that never speak of masturbation, consider it disgusting or a sin, or shame people for experiencing and seeking pleasure.

You’re not alone, and there’s help out there! Try bringing it up in therapy if you’re seeing a therapist, or look for a queer-affirming provider. Remember, if a therapist shames you for engaging in masturbation, it’s not you, it’s them — and it’s a sign you should find another mental health professional.

One last tip for the road — remember that no matter when you’re masturbating, there’s probably someone else out there who’s masturbating at the exact same time, because masturbating is a normal, healthy practice — and, hey, you might be moaning in unison!

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