How To Have Lesbian Sex: Anal Edition

feature image via shutterstock

Previously: How to Have Lesbian Sex For The First Time, How To Have Lesbian Sex 102: Cunnilingus Edition.

Plenty of barriers exist between me, my girlfriend and our anal sex. But the only barriers I want between my asshole and my partner are the safer-sex kind.

Get Behind Your Behind

First, butts are rich in pleasurable nerve endings. Getting over the anal sex taboo is naughty/hot, and simultaneous penetration can push on our sexy bits oh so nicely.

Second, shit happens, but it doesn’t happen often when it comes to anal sex. Play involves your rectum, while waste lives in your intestines. Unless your body is giving you the nudge or you ate far too many strawberries last night, your rectum should be clear. If you’re worried, it’s safe to slip a soapy finger up there in the shower to feel squeaky clean.

Third, go steady, go slow, and anal sex should never hurt. Put the numbing cream down — you’re having sex to feel good, and you won’t feel good if you can’t feel anything. Pain also tells your body that something is wrong, and you want to feel that warning or you’ll be feeling it in the morning. The majority of anal sex injuries are temporary fissures resulting from over enthusiasm, not never-sit-again horror stories.

Treat Your Butt With Lube And Affection

Before you start your play, make sure you have a ton of lube on hand. Unlike the vagina, the anus doesn’t self-lubricate. Thicker, water-based lubes like Sliquid Sassy Booty Formula or Good Clean Love are ideal for anal play as they don’t run, are latex- and silicone-compatible and will cushion your sensitive booty bits. Silicone-based lubes have a larger molecular make-up than their water-based counterparts, which makes them essentially everlasting as they sit on top of the skin instead of being absorbed into it. Some anal players find that this makes silicone lube perfect for them; however, its thin consistency lacks padding. More importantly, silicone lube will ruin your silicone toys by bonding to and damaging the surface, rendering them unsafe to use.

sliquid_Fotor_Collage

Once you’re sufficiently slick, begin your anal exploration with fingers. Femme-bots gotta ditch those acrylics and everyone should use gloves for sexual safety and smoothness. Whether you’re starting on your anal adventure solo or with a partner, one finger is the perfect introduction. Apply lube liberally to your opening and finger and start with an external anal massage. Use this time both to get acquainted with your asshole and to mentally relax.

When it comes to beginner’s anal, your mind can be your biggest barrier. When you’re feeling nervous or afraid that anal sex is going to be weird, painful or otherwise scary, your body’s natural tendency is to tense up, especially in the asshole department — not helpful for the current mission. A little finger massage gives you time to get in the zone and relax your body, brain and booty. Someone else’s tongue — using dental dams for safety — or a vibrator on your clit can also work nicely here.

Once you’re mentally warmed up, take a deep breath, consciously relax and, using a slightly curved, rocking motion and gently bearing down with your asshole, slowly insert your first finger. Whether playing with fingers or toys, initial insertion can be the hardest part. Hold still for a minute to get acclimated. The sensation might make you feel like you need to poop, but this is rarely actually the case and is usually just the unsettling, familiar feeling of having something sitting in the lower part of your rectum. Relaxation and breathing can coax this feeling away.

Whether playing alone or with a friend, note that all objects and motions feel bigger and more dramatic than they do vaginally. Take it slow, reapply lube more than you think you need and don’t forget about the rest of the body. Stimulating your other favorite areas will help you focus on feeling good — not just conducting a new scientific experiment. Once you and/or your partner are digitally comfortable you can graduate to more enthusiastic digital simulation or anal toys.

Take The Plunge

As the old saying goes, be selective about what to put up your butt. Your anus contains butt-specific bacteria and HIV and other STIs can be transmitted anally, so use similar safer-sex precautions as you would vaginally (cue latex barriers). Your anal toys should be made from non-porous material like silicone, stainless steel or glass that can be disinfected with soap and water. If a toy or body part was just in your ass, you need to wash it or change its condom before putting it elsewhere. And that includes back into that box under your bed where it’ll just roll all over your other (presumably clean) sex toys. And that definitely includes your vagina who’s going to be bacterial-infection-kind-of-pissed about that maneuver.

Pick your tool of the anal trade depending on what you want to do with it. Graduated beads are anally inserted one-by-one so first-timers can insert as many as they’d like, starting with the smallest and working up. They don’t stay put very well but really work their magic when slowly removed during orgasm.

beads

Plugs are excellent multi-taskers and my personal fave. They’re designed to stay inserted, giving you continuous, low-friction, pleasurable pressure while you’re busy doing other things — vaginal penetration, oral sex, wearing a harness, grocery shopping, etc. The narrower the plug’s neck, the stronger the grip your anus will have. The longer, heavier and more dramatic the plug’s curve, the better it can push against a prostate. Start with smaller, flexible, silicone plugs like the Bootie.

bootie

Dildos are for ol’ fashioned intercourse. Many anal players find heavy stroking and movement to be overstimulating and/or challenging. But if you’re pumped for pumping, start with a smaller, smooth, slightly curved dildo. Inserting the dildo with the curve pointing towards the receiver’s belly button will comfortably reflect the rectum’s natural shape and/or focus stimulation on the prostate (or anal G-spot) for those who have them.

No matter the style, all anal toys should be non-textured and have a flange (flared base) that’s at least three inches in diameter to prevent them from being “lost.” This means plugs, dildos and beads have a round, rectangular or looped flange that sits perpendicular to the toy’s shaft that’s big enough and firm enough not to get accidentally pushed or pulled into your rectum. Your inner sphincter reacts to insertion by sucking in: great for your partner’s sensation, not so great when your toy gets trip-to-the-ER kind of lost. It doesn’t matter how good your grip on a toy is: your anus’s grip is better. I promise.

Back It Up

Your anal sex will only be as good as your sexual partnership and communication. As the receiver, always say “Ouch!” when you gotta. Give positive feedback (especially fun given via dirty talk) and lead a post-wrap review so your partner can repeat successes and work on flops. As the giver, always practice active consent, explain what you’re doing before you do it, and instead of asking, “What do you want?,” ask “this? or that?” questions to provide guidance.

Finally, the power of knowledge is real. Read up on female-bodied anal-loving in The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women by Tristan Taormino and study, real, real hard with Crash Pad’s plentiful, hot, queer, anal sex scenes and you’ll be knockin’ the booty in no time.

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Yana

Yana Tallon-Hicks studies Marriage & Family Therapy at Antioch University in the hopes of becoming the best damn queer sex therapist in the land. Yana received her undergrad in queer studies & sex education, worked as a sex educator/sales associate at sex toy shops Good Vibrations and She Bop and has had sex on the brain ever since. She geeks out about lube, practices often to achieve perfection and just wants you to have an orgasm. Yana’s sexpertise has appeared in Curve, Bitch and her sex column in the Valley Advocate.

Yana has written 1 article for us.

36 Comments

  3. I can attest to how fun a plug can be. Lets just say I own a vibrating model designed for prostate owners and it makes me fell extra queer every time I use it.

  5. this brings me right back to camp :)

    nothing makes waiting in line for merch more fun than hearing loud exclamations of “GUYS! YOUR ANUS IS A SWIRLING VORTEX! MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A LARGE BASE!”

  9. “Female-bodied anal-loving.” Does this mean that Taormino’s book is not relevant to people without breasts? Or that it is not relevant to people without vaginas? Or that it is not relevant to people without two X chromosomes? Just asking for clarification. . .everybody seems to have a different idea about what constitutes a legit female body these days.

      • To Rebecca and to the others commenting on this post – thanks so much for reading and engaging! Rebecca, the phrase “female-bodied anal-loving” was used specifically to describe Taormino’s book The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women to refer to the book’s particular focus on bodies without prostates. Writing and teaching about anal sex for bodies with prostates is a much larger scope of anal sex, with specific piece or pieces of anatomy that make for different considerations to talk about, point out, give advice about, etc.

        Of course, in the queer world and in the world in general, the way we choose to label our bodies and the kind of anatomy we have and choose to keep or not keep or rename or engage with sexually or not, is very very varied. Surely, people with prostates can and do identify as female-bodied. This phrase was applied in this instance to get specific about the specifics of the book’s content, not to imply or rob anyone of their particular power to inhabit and define their bodies as they choose.

        In queer writing and, specifically in queer sex writing, the attempt to use language that is both specific and open to the beautiful, multiply-identifying bodies us queers occupy, is an ongoing challenge and puzzle. I’m always open to new suggestions and language of how to be both specifically sex educational and as inclusive as possible.

        Thanks for keeping the dialogue about queer anal sex going! It’s a good one to have.

  10. Also! Can I suggest that next time the image on the front page not be two white, thin, blemish-free, cellulite-free, clearly photoshopped objectified butts

    I love butts as much as the next queer, but I also love queer lenses of loving bodies..which is usually not reflective of mainstream images of “sexy bodies.”

    • I think one can safely say that Autostraddle typically go out of their way to be representative of a broad spectrum of queer women, as evidenced by the articles onsite, which are diverse to say the least, and pictures used in articles like NSFW Sundays, which represent a wide range of queer bodies. I think that criticizing the use of only mainstream ideas of sexy bodies is valid, but I think we as readers also have to maintain some perspective and context – this is Autostraddle and they DO actively try to represent those of us that don’t fit mainstream images of sexy.

      And secondly – how do you find a stock image to go with this article?! Sadly there is no queer only version of shutterstock.

      • I hear you–AS regularly tries to make containers for varied perspectives and representations. Agreed! I didn’t suggest that they don’t do that.

        I also hear–it is impossible to find stock images that are not mainstream. Also agreed!

        Maybe the best practice would be to not go with an image of butts, then. Instead, the main site image could be of lube! etc.

      • “Autostraddle works hard!! Cut them some slack!! Quit complaining!! Why do you have to be such an uptight bitch?!?! Maintain some perspective!!!”

        I’m glad that Autostraddle “goes out of their way” to not be pieces of shit. I would like that it though if being somewhat OK were their first instinct. Not being racist, fatphobic, transmisogynistic, and so on shouldn’t be a difficult thing that one has to go out of one’s way to accomplish.

        I eagerly await your defensive, condescending, sanctimonious response! :-)

        • Or, they are being body-positive for this body type, which after all does reflect the appearance of some readers. How is being body-positive for the mainstream an automatic negative for those of us who don’t have the typical body type? You just sound like you’re bitter, and arguing for argument’s sake. Don’t put words in people’s mouths and expect them to be okay with it. It’s douchey. I’m a 5’10”, size 20, masculine of centre woman, and I feel like those bums are hot. So are big bums, and so are small bums. What’s the probum? (I had to, I just had to)

    • So is Autostraddle supposed to never show white, thin bodies? White, thin, blemish-free, queer booty exists too. Let’s not be hypocrites, please. The “queer lenses of loving bodies” includes ALL bodies.

    • Hi!

      We always try to use the most diverse imagery possible throughout the site. Feature images are tricky because:

      + they get fed to social media, which means they’re viewed web-wide sans image credit (as opposed to in-article photos, which have credits right there in the caption)
      + they need to be a certain size (at least 800 px by 600 px) to feed to facebook.
      + they can’t be too racy (as in; naked butts would be a no-no, the fact that these girls at least have thongs on is good.)

      That’s why for feature images, it’s shutterstock or bust. When it came to sexually suggestive photos of two women with butts involved that weren’t too racy, this particular photo was pretty much it. Even as I was putting it into the post, I was like, eh, this isn’t up to our usual standards for diverse imagery, but I’m sure our readers will understand that every now and then, we’ve just gotta go with skinny white girls ’cause that’s all we’ve got permission to use.

      For a more diverse spectrum of ass, may I recommend NSFW Lesbosexy Sunday Girl Gallery: Ass-Kicking Ass.

      (Also, thanks GoS, Lolau and Ashley!)

  11. Thanks so much for this guide. People wonder how a woman can enjoy this without a prostate but it’s always been my guilty pleasure.

  12. Another tip, is to touch the anus first, just prior to penetration. Massage aside, when you are about to penetrate, it is a physiological response for the muscle to contract and then loosen after it has been touched. If you just go right in, it will still be constricted. Give it a nudge and then penetrate. It will be more comfortable.

    • And, I just want to add – this was a really well written, informative piece!! I wish I had had this about two months ago, but this confirms all my experience, and is on pointe. Thanks, Yana!

  13. For some of us translesbians, we really hope other lesbians can know how loving and pleasureable it can be when our gf loves giving anal sex to us. Intimate, sexy, and adventuresome for both women.

    Thanks for helping take the concerns out of anal sex play.

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  16. Pleasure is must. Start it from pleasure and then go for anal sex. Without pleasure it will be painful. Use lubricants and toys before anal sex.

  17. Ive always had an anal fetish and my girlfriend recently told me she’s into it as well so that’s a plus

    • Oh yes Neli, anal sex is 1 of the many possibilities, to satisfy a girl’s desires. The most girls in Rio love it, when I insert my stiff tongue in their asses.

  18. …oh my GodESSE, I tried some with my cutey at 10 o’clock at night and at 10:30 we had the downstairs neighbours at the door! Can hardly wait till tomorrow morning!

  19. This article has so much awesomeness to it. Thank you. Now to stop being single so I can try this lol.

  22. Thanks for the article. What’s your favourite method/time for removing the plug? It’s so incredibly intense, particularly after orgasm. Thoughts?

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