In How to Have Lesbian Sex for the First Time and How to Have Lesbian Sex with a Trans Woman, we took you through the foundations of how to have lesbian sex, which is what we have to call it for search engine optimization purposes. Today, we’re talking about lesbian oral sex that involves a vulva, though a lot of the advice is applicable to lots of types of oral sex. For trans lesbian-specific oral sex tips, check out How to Have Lesbian Sex with a Trans Woman. For lesbian strap-on blow job advice, check out How To Give (or Get) A Strap-on Blow Job. For how to eat ass, check out How To Eat Ass. Let’s (muff) dive in!
Remember That All Bodies Are Different
All bodies are different, and different bodies like different sensations, which is why across-the-board sex advice on lesbian oral sex is impossible. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve gone down on zero people or one hundred — when you’re going down on someone for the first time, it’s as if you’ve never gone down on anyone before. Everyone likes totally different sensations in bed, so everyone starts from the beginning with every new sex partner. All you need are enthusiasm, curiosity and communication (and maybe a dental dam or two). You need to be up for getting into it, trying new things, paying attention to your partner’s feedback and trying some more. (The only rule you need to know ahead of time is to be careful about where your teeth end up!) Sure, people take some tips and tricks with them from partner to partner, but in the end communication wins.
Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby
Mouths aren’t just for oral sex! They’re for talking, too. If you’re giving oral sex, there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying something like:
- “Just FYI, I’ve never gone down on a vulva before.”
- “I’m nervous because the only thing I’ve ever licked consistently is a tootsie pop. But I’m really into doing this with you.”
- “I feel scared that you’re not gonna like what I do going down on you, so just grab my hair and put me in the right spot if I’m not there already!”
Be clear with your partner that you’re totally into feedback in the moment: “a little to the left,” “harder,” “gentler,” “keep doing that” or “holy fuck definitely keep doing that.” Remember: harder is not always better. It depends entirely on the person, so don’t assume that hard and fast wins the race unless you hear it from your partner.
If you’re receiving oral sex — I hear a lot of people feel weird about giving feedback because they think they’re being selfish or making sex too much about them. First, your body is involved, so this sex is partially about you. Second, feedback is about your partner, not just about you. Feedback makes people feel comfortable while they’ve got their mouth on your genitals. Tell them if they’re being too soft or too hard, if they need to move a little to the left, if you need them to go faster or slower. Definitely tell them when they’ve hit the spot. It’s not just about you getting what you want — it’s about your partner getting what they want, too.
Use Your Whole Mouth…
If your sex partner has a vulva, it’s fun to tease them by lightly flicking the tip of your tongue over the whole area, just barely tickling their clit and tracing both sides of their vulva, to get warmed up or to take an intensity break. But there’s a lot more to mouths than the tip of the tongue! Your tongue is three dimensional and has many different surfaces. You can lightly suck on things. You’ve got lips, too! Why should you use your whole mouth, you ask?
The clitoris is more than just the visible part we think of as “the button.” The darker pink bits in the above picture are the internal parts of the clitoris, and they also respond to sensation. Using just the tip of your tongue isn’t going to reach all that wonderful goodness — show the rest of that structure some love! Keep in mind that even things that aren’t part of the clitoris can be pleasurable for your sex partner.
Try a bunch of different tactics: flatten your tongue and lick the whole area (like an ice cream cone), give hard pressure with your tongue, suck on the clitoris (or suck on the clitoral hood while flicking your tongue against the clit), press against different parts of the vulva with your lips or go in circles around the clit with your tongue. You can also tease the vaginal opening with your tongue, or dip your tongue all the way in.
Sometimes there’s a knee-jerk tendency to respond to omg-I’m-about-to-come noises by starting to do what you were doing harder and faster. She’s excited and gripping your hand, you’re excited and gripping their thigh, and naturally you keep upping the ante as excitement builds. Every person is different, of course, but in general the best thing to do is exactly what you were doing to get your partner “almost there” in the first place, instead of switching or going faster and harder — which actually requires a lot of concentration and focus. Like pretty much all of your concentration and focus.
…Unless Your Sex Partner Wants Something Specific
Experimentation is super fun, and experimenting with different sensations and different parts of your mouth is part of the awesome. But, as you’ve already told your sex partner that you want feedback in the moment, be sure to listen to that feedback. It can sometimes be hard to pull away from something you’re trying, but unless teasing is part of the game, remember to focus on the bits that feel good to the person in front of you.
What About Making Noises?
There is no “supposed to” in sex, and this is no different. Allegedly, making noises like you’re eating a delicious ice cream sundae (i.e., humming) can feel sensational for the vulva that you’re sexing up. Like anything else, it works for some people and not for others. Unless your sex partner asks for something different, if you’re going to make noises, they should be your truth noises — the ones you really really want to make in the moment, or the ones you can’t keep in. Making a noise like you’re eating the best damn sandwich in the world just because you want them to know you’re having fun might ring false to your sex partner, whether you’re giving or receiving.
Pillows: They Help
I don’t know what happened, but all of a sudden I got old enough that my neck hurts when I put it in strange positions. Such as those my neck winds up in during oral sex. I resisted the aid of pillows for a while, thinking it would be unsexy to ask people to lift their butts up so I could put a pillow underneath them before going to town. It turns out that what’s really unsexy is suddenly ceasing mouth-to-vulva contact because of a knot in your neck. If you’re doing things traditionally, more or less on a steady surface with the receiver on their back, sliding a pillow under the receiver’s butt is a great way to raise their hips so that you don’t have to gumby into bizarre positions. (The Liberator wedge, a firm foam wedge with a velvety cover that’s  washable and waterproof, can really help here.) If you’re doing things less traditionally, use pillows or furniture to get the perfect position. You can also always have them sit on your face if your neck gets tired.
If you or your sex partner are disabled, Autostraddle‘s guide to having super hot sex with or as a disabled person has further notes on positioning in all types of sex.
Make Your Oral Presentation a Multimedia One
Putting your mouth on someone else’s vulva doesn’t make the rest of your bodies disappear. With your sex partner’s permission and enthusiasm, you don’t have to do ONLY ORAL SEX. Drag your nails up their inner thighs. Slap their other thighs. Reach up and pinch their nipples, massage their chest, or gently tug on their nipple clamps. Put your fingers or fists inside your partner’s vagina or anus. Incorporate a vibrator or two — you can switch between your mouth and a vibrator if you need a breather, or grind against one yourself if you’re laying on your stomach. Your sex partner can wear a butt plug while you go down on them. You can wear a butt plug while you go down on them.
I bet if I challenge you to think of stuff that pairs with oral sex like wine pairs with a good meal, y’all can come up with at least 50 things to do while your tongue/mouth is doing its thang. In fact yes, I do challenge you to do that. Go.
What About Safer Sex?
Most conversations about safer sex don’t prioritize queer women or people or bodies, which is why safer sex practices are part of being a good member of the queer community. Getting STI tested regularly, using nitrile gloves for hand sex and when switching between holes or partners, and using dental dams for oral sex are all part of it. If you are not fluid bonded and STI tested, make your sex safer by using dental dams and gloves regardless of the time of the month. If you are STI tested, so is your sex partner, and you’ve had a conversation about what safer sex methods you use with other people, then fluids from oral sex, including oral sex if someone has their period, are fine and fun to get all over your mouth and face (and fingers and hands and bed).
Remember: The Person Giving Oral Sex Should Have Fun, Too
Your mouth is part of the oral sex experience — for the person receiving oral, sure, but also for you if you’re giving it. If your sex partner is unsure of what they want or down for exploring or says something to the effect of  “if your mouth is on me, I’m having a good time,” then figure out what sensations feel good to your mouth. That’s as good a way as any way to figure out new ways to interact with a vulva — perhaps you really like the way lightly sucking the clit feels? Cool, do that! If your partner says that’s not their thing, try another thing that feels good to your mouth.
Don’t Overthink It
Don’t overthink it. As we wrote in the Autostraddle guide to Having Lesbian Sex for the First Time, “your body was born knowing how to have sex like it knows how to eat.” You might find if you stop overthinking a lot of this could come naturally!
So go forth, and put your mouth on a vulva. Don’t let anxiety hold you back — you’re gonna do just fine.
Editor’s note: This post was updated in January 2020 with current affiliate links, internal links, and images, as well as some textual edits.