We’re trying to balance doing some traditions and forgoing others.
Q
Help! My fiancé (though we’re technically paper married) and I are planning our wedding in my parent’s backyard this spring and we have some family drama we can’t figure out how to resolve.
My parents are still happily married and contributing financially to the wedding. My partner’s parents are not married – her mother is remarried and her father is single. We’re trying to balance doing some traditions and forgoing others that don’t feel right to us.
One we’re really struggling with is the “father daughter dance.” Though it’s not a huge deal to me, I think it would be really meaningful to my dad — he’s always been my role model and someone I really admire and respect. My partner doesn’t have a great relationship with her dad — he’s Trumpy and not a supportive and attentive parent. He doesn’t even know which state we live in. My partner really doesn’t want to give him the respect of dancing with him because he hasn’t deserved that respect and she isn’t comfortable sharing a whole dance with him. She’s super supportive of me and loves my dad too but we’re both feeling stuck here. I definitely don’t want to put my partner in an uncomfortable place on our wedding day and absolutely honor and respect the way she chooses to engage with her parents. But I also really want my dad to have this honor that I think would be really important and meaningful to him.
We’re curious what other folks have done in similar situations. We’ve thought about honoring my dad in other ways like having him give a speech. But the dance thing is something that feels distinctly important. We’re both pretty sure my partners dad would have a total meltdown if I had a father daughter dance and she opted out and she really doesn’t want him causing a scene and taking away from our day.
Any advice would be really helpful. Wedding planning is stressful on its own but the family pressure is really adding a tricky layer.
A
Sa’iyda: I understand this particular dilemma. My wife and I have talked about this for our theoretical wedding; I want to dance with my dad because like you, we have a close relationship and I know it would mean a lot to both of us to do so! You should both have the wedding you want, so you need to know where your partner stands if you did go ahead and have the dance with your dad and she maintained her boundary with hers. Is your dad already walking you down the aisle? If he isn’t, that may be a way to compromise if you can’t have the dance. Or maybe you can talk to your partner’s dad way before the wedding and give him a head’s up? This way, if he’s going to have a meltdown about it, it gives him time to get over it and not be shocked when you dance with your dad. Having your dad make a speech could be nice, but I understand it’s not quite the same as sharing that moment with him. And her dad might still be mad and want to make a speech! I think you’re going to have to draw a firm boundary with her dad about his presence at the wedding, no matter what you decide.
Summer: You’re being presented with a pretty complex situation that mixes people’s values and wishes. There’s nothing wrong with being stressed out, especially with the nightmare that is wedding planning. There’s an added challenge in that the traditional father-daughter dance at the wedding is a public display. The omission of your partner’s side of this dance will probably say something to some of the onlookers. Depending on who is attending, there could be no disruption, or it could become a topic of discussion. Unenviable either way.
The public nature of the display is what makes this high-stakes to me. I’m with Sa’iyda in the suggestion to give your partner’s father a spotlight in a different area of tradition or value while allowing you to have a solo dance. If that kind of compromise is possible. There are also modifications you could make to the tradition, like making it a more casual family/relatives dance where different people can all participate on the floor. And it just so happens that you’re using the opportunity for a father-daughter dance while your partner reduces their time dancing with their father and is able to partner with others. The father-daughter dance is a spotlight event at a wedding and one way to reduce the social impact and number of eyes on it is to bring more people into it. These are my thrown-at-the-wall suggestions and I can’t be of more help without knowing exactly what the relationship dynamics are and what traditions are valued here. I hope it helps, either way.
Em: Maybe I’m starting the drama here, but I kinda think you should do the father-daughter dance and let your partner’s dad deal with his own hurt feelings. Yes, that’s easier said than done. Yes, it could cause some tension or disruption. As someone who has been a VIP/MOH/wedding planner for many, many friends’ weddings, I can tell you that no matter what you do, someone is going to be upset with one (or both of you) about something. You might as well do what you want to do and prep for the worst. You want to do the dance because that feels fitting for your relationship. Your partner doesn’t have that relationship with her dad, and that’s OKAY. Give him a different role that’s more fitting, feels important, but is less intimate like doing some sort of reading. Most importantly, appoint someone as the designated dad watchout. This trusted friend or relative can be at-the-ready to intervene or de-escalate if things go awry.
Should I be more private about my erotica?
Q
Should I be letting my first dates read the erotica I write? I’ve been generally pretty loosey goosey about who I share my work with, because a) some of it has been published, b) I’m pretty proud of it, and c) I kind of hope it turns them on. I have a few worries. Is sharing it too intimate for people I haven’t met? Will I be super embarrassed of what I’ve recently written in a few years and wonder what the hell I was thinking? Will they want to “fuck the art” and misread my personality? Thanks for the advice.
A
Summer: Wow, this is a cool one. You’re living a really interesting moment between potentially sharing too much sexually on a first date, but wanting to be honest about your work. Being an out-and-proud sex worker, I can’t tell you to conceal the work you value and are proud of. But boundaries do matter and I can see why it could be a bit ‘much’ to know.
Speaking broadly, I don’t think you should stop sharing out of fear that your work will improve over time and the current work will be deprecated. Improvement should be something we all strive for and welcome, and I believe that any artist should have a soft and good view of their past and current works. Our drafts, failures, and shortcomings had to crawl so we could run later, after all. I’d be more concerned about sharing sexual content with people who aren’t ready to know that or hear it. I’m upfront about the nature of my work in pre-date discussions, but I’m cautious about what I disclose unprompted. Despite my excitement, I don’t spill the beans (so to speak) unless the person asks and is showing actual interest in my work. Reading those signs in your date and matching their interest with appropriate topics is part of that first impression.
Em: You bring up a really interesting dilemma, and while I’m not a sex worker or publish erotica, I can definitely relate to sharing intimate pieces of writing with new lovers. You absolutely should be proud of it, and that’s why I think you should use a bit of discernment in sharing.
The worst cast scenarios include all of the questions you posed; dates taking your work (and your choice to share your work) the wrong way. The best case scenario is you share your work, your date thinks it rocks, they’re super turned on, and they come to understand you better as an artist. There’s a lot of room for misunderstood feelings, boundaries, and miscommunication between these two scenarios. I think it comes down to feeling out the person, their interests, and their intentions. Do you want to see them again? Do you know their intentions? Do you both want the same thing? Do you both have similar views about sex and kink? Like Summer suggests, bring these topics into the date to gauge where your date lands. If the conversation feels good and lends itself to an opportunity for you to share, then totally do it. If anything feels forced, awkward, or uncertain, maybe slow down, ask questions, or reassesses on a (potential) second date.
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Great advice on both questions, I just thought I’d share my thoughts on Q2 as an erotica writer myself. I definitely agree with Summer and Em–feel it out and if you are interested in continuing to see the person, I would definitely share. I hid that part of myself for many years. While there was certain fun having this secret side of my art, now when my friends ask I do talk about it, and it’s honestly deepened a few of my relationships, including with my partner. So, I would share by like date 3-4 if you’re still interested in seeing them. If they haven’t asked by that point, I would seed it by sharing that you write, and use that as a way to introduce the specific topics you write about.