Feature image of Alexa Braeburn and Julie Aurora in Crash Pad Episode 247.

The latest in Queer Sex 101, our series of real live queer people teaching you everything you need to know about real queer sex continues, with a one-hour workshop from sex educator, Autostraddle writer, SLICK editor and More, Please! editor Ro White on strap-on sex. Most of the videos in the series are free and available to the public, but this one is just for A+ members as thanks for supporting the whole series! If you want to join A+, it starts at just $4 a month and supports this indie queer media site and our projects, like Queer Sex 101.

This event was broadcast live for our A+ members on June 25, 2021, and live captioned by StenoKnight services. We’re sharing the replay here for every A+ member to enjoy! (Transcript below)

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Use the same password for the replay as for the event: strapon4pride2021 and here is the link in case you need it!

Transcript for Everything You Need to Know for Strap-On Sex:

Introduction

Hi, everyone! Happy Friday evening! Happy Pride! Good evening. Can you guys let me know in the chat if you’re hearing me? Hi, Kit! Wow, this is so exciting. I’m so excited to be hanging out with y’all for Pride. And during our A+ Member Drive. We have been right at the closing of the first week of our member drive here at Autostraddle, and we’re so excited that we’ve actually — I don’t know if you all have seen since you registered, but we just hit our initial goal of 350 new members. Which I’m super excited about. I don’t know if there are any new members here tonight. Did anybody join to see this event? Or has anybody not been a member prior to this? Do you want to share in the chat? I would be really excited to know — do we have newer members, or have people been attending these kinds of events for a while? Thanks, Kit! That’s sweet.

Welcome! So we are here tonight as part of Autostraddle’s Queer Sex 101 series, which we’ve been really excited to be running for a few months now. We’ve covered a few topics. Masturbation, sex toys, we had a really good session about your first time having queer sex last month, and I’m really excited that this is actually one of the first workshops we’re doing in this series that is exclusively for A+ members. In the past, because we believe in having widely available, very accessible queer sex ed for everyone, we have made these workshops available on the main site afterwards. And to celebrate our member drive and for Pride and to kind of really share with you guys a little bit of what we are trying to do with the A+ program, this is actually an A+ member exclusive. And so we’ll be here tonight with A+ members live, and we’re also going to put the recap of this post, as well as a transcript and resources, links to everything in the workshop, up on A+ afterwards. And you’ll be able to access it, rewatch it as many times as you like, and anyone who joins after tonight will be able to access it too, which I’m really pumped about. We’ll be able to cover a lot. I want to get us started, because you guys have a lot of great questions and I know Ro has a lot of great experience to share with you guys.

And so I’m gonna bring them on stage. “On stage”. But I’m really excited to introduce Ro. Ro is a sex educator, a writer for Autostraddle, a performer, a comedian, and a super talented and really approachable and experienced person to work with. And I’m really excited for them to be able to talk with you about strap-ons. To kind of talk through the material that they have prepared and go over some basics and then answer folks’ questions. As you have probably noticed, this event is also being live captioned. Thank you so much. By our fan favorite Mirabai. I know I saw that Mirabai already has some fans in the chat. Same. And this transcript will be available afterwards for anyone who needs it. Thank you so much. If you can be patient with me for 30 seconds while I figure out some CrowdCast logistics, I’m gonna say goodbye to you all and bring Ro on stage!

RO: Okay! It’s working! Hello! Hi. I’m Ro White. Can someone drop something in the chat if you can see and hear me okay? That would be very helpful. We are still a little bit new to using CrowdCast for events. And I’m still new to CrowdCast. Thank you so much for letting me know you can see and hear me. Awesome. So… Parts of this might be a little bumpy as we figure it out, but we’re gonna do just fine, I’m sure. Thank you all so much for being here. Specifically, thank you for being A+ subscribers to participate in this. I am a contributing writer at Autostraddle, but I also have a new title. I’m the editor of our Slick Erotica series, which is for A+ members. And that position would not exist if we didn’t have A+ subscribers keeping Autostraddle afloat.

So personally, thank you. Because I love that job. And thanks so much for keeping our publication alive. Because… There aren’t too many publications out there doing what we do. And I know that we all really, really love doing this. So… I am so stoked to be here. Thank you so much to Mirabai for doing captions. If you are using the captions for this, I recommend opening them in a separate window. MIRABAI: No, don’t do that, ha-ha!

RO: Sometimes CrowdCast can get a little glitchy. If you have any issues seeing and reading those captions, maybe try that. Additionally, if you’re having an issue with the captions or CrowdCast, please let us know in the chat. I’m gonna be watching the chat. But I’m also gonna be talking to you and looking at my notes. So I might not notice everything right away. But we do have our Managing Director, Rachel, is gonna be helping me keep track of all the comments in the chat. It looks like Nicole is here too. So we’ll have folks looking out.

Ro’s Background and Workshop Structure & Terminology

I’m gonna give you a little bit of background about me first. Like I said, my name is Ro White. My pronouns are they/them. I started working in it the sex toy industry when I was 23. And I’m now 31. So it’s been a long time of being surrounded by sex toys. And dildos and harnesses, which I’m so stoked to talk about today. And I’ve been teaching sex ed for over four years. Maybe longer. I’m not totally sure. I teach in person and online. My classes are always for adults and geared towards folks of all genders, bodies, and orientations. So that’s the tone that this class will have today. I don’t have personal experience in every single area that I’ll be covering in this workshop.

But I do have a ton of training in these areas. A lot of years of training. And a lot of years of working with customers, talking to other educators, and just… Talking to people to gather all the information that I’m going to present today. But if you have any information or personal experience that you want to share throughout the workshop, I definitely recommend throwing that in the chat. I consider sex ed to be a collaborative community experience, because I just have this one body that I live in. And I don’t know what it’s like to have your body that you live in. So if there’s something that you want to share, I would love to hear that. Just to expand my education. And I’m sure that the rest of the viewers here would be into that too.

I’m gonna be using medical language during this workshop to describe different body parts and sex acts. That might not be the language that you use for your genitals or the kind of sex you have. That might not be the language that your partner uses for their genitals or the kind of sex they have, but I’m gonna be doing that for the sake of clarity so we can all be on the same page. I would also like to let you know that I am not a doctor and I’m not a mental health professional. So I can’t give medical advice or mental health advice. So if you feel like you have a physical or mental health issue that’s going to affect your experience, participating in and/or enjoying strap-on sex, in a way that feels both physically and emotionally safe for you, then I recommend reaching out to a professional in advance. Just to make sure that you are good to go.

And if you have questions that come up during this workshop, you can actually click — there’s a button on the bottom of the screen in CrowdCast that says “ask a question”. So that will alert me that your question has come in. And I will do my best to answer questions throughout the workshop. But I’ll definitely take more time to go through them at the end. I just want to make sure that we get through everything. And we don’t run over time. And I also want to say: Thank you so much to everybody who submitted your questions in advance. We actually got a lot. And that was really helpful for me. In shaping the material that we’re gonna cover tonight.

Just a few more disclaimers. I know there’s a lot of disclaimers here. But… Y’all, teaching an online workshop is rough. One is that I might not look directly into the camera the whole time, as much as I would love to. I do have notes to make sure that I cover everything. And I will be sharing my screen a few times, to just show you some different products. For folks who are listening and not watching this, I will do my best to describe the products that I’m showing to you. In a way that you can hear. But nothing porny is gonna happen on this screen. You’re not gonna see naked bodies or… People having sex. So… Just know that. You’re just gonna be seeing pictures of products. You might hear me use words like… Fuck and ass and names of genitals. So… If you’re in a space with other folks… And you don’t want them to see or hear what you’re up to, it might be a good idea to use some headphones or just turn your screen away from them.

Oh, and it looks like in the chat, all of the products that I’m gonna talk about will also be linked in a post for A+ members. So that’s great! Thanks for doing that. I didn’t know you were gonna do that. Y’all are amazing. Additionally, so… This class — if this wasn’t clear already — is being recorded. So if you have to step away or you want to revisit this at any point, you’ll be able to watch it later on our website. And one more thing. I am teaching this workshop from my lovely tiny apartment in Chicago.

It is an apartment building. So there’s a chance that you might hear some outside noise. Maybe some cars. Maybe some sirens. Maybe… A yelling neighbor, if we get unlucky. So just know that that’s what’s up. And… I’m gonna do my best to make sure that nothing like that happens. But… I can’t control everything. So those are all of our many disclaimers. And I’m so beyond excited to start teaching this. Because strap-on sex is one of my favorite classes to teach, of all time. Just because… Anybody can do it. And it’s really fun!

Why Might You Want to Try Strap-On Sex?

I want to start by going over this very long, extensive list of reasons why you might want to try strap-on sex. And… Here we go! This is just something to get our creative juices flowing. One reason to try strap-on sex is that for folks who can’t penetrate with our genitals, strap-on sex can be a really unique experience. Most of the time, if you’re someone who usually has sex with your mouth or hands, then your mouth and/or your hands are gonna be busy. But when you’re having strap-on hands, all these parts are free to do… Other stuff! To… Stimulate your partner’s nipples, to touch their clit, to finger their ass, to kiss, to slap, to spank, to do… Whatever it is that you want to be doing. So strap-on sex provides a really unique and intimate experience in that way.

Additionally, strap-on sex can be really gender affirming or gender subverting. Which is really fun. So if you’re someone who is a trans man, and it would feel really affirming for you to have strap-on sex, that’s awesome. And if you’re someone with a vulva who wants to role play that you’re a person with a penis, strap-on sex makes that option available to you. It’s also a really low pressure way for folks who do have penises to penetrate their partners that doesn’t require them to use their genitals, if they don’t want to. Or don’t like to.

That’s something that I think is a common misconception about strap-on sex. Is that the only people who can wear a harness and use a dildo are people with vulvas. That’s definitely not the case. It’s possible to tuck if you’re a person who tucks, and wear a harness. And there are some harnesses available that will allow you to wear a dildo and then also have your genitals out. And we will go over that later. But the great thing about a dildo is that… It’s the size and shape that you need it to be.

And it always stays hard. So that’s another great thing too. For folks who don’t want the pressure of maintaining an erection. If you do typically penetrate with your penis, you can use a strap-on instead. And you can go as long as you and your partner want. Another reason you might want to try strap-on sex is that dildos can be a lot more comfortable for penetration than using body parts. Just because they tend to be smoother and firmer and they don’t have quite as much drag or bumps and ridges.

So if you’re somebody who struggles with penetration, either because it just feels uncomfortable for you, or you’re new to it, inserting something like a dildo might be a lot easier than your fingers, your partner’s fingers, or a penis. This is especially true for anal sex. Right? Because… The butt… Provides a lot more resistance than a vulva. So anything that is smooth and firm like a dildo is going to be a lot easier to insert.

We got even more reasons!! That I just scrolled past! Oh, this is a great alternative for penetration if you usually penetrate with your hands and you struggle with hand or finger pain. If you have arthritis, for example, using a toy makes that a lot easier. I know for me, I recently learned that I have a connective tissue disease, which is why my fingers dislocate. So strap-on sex has been really beneficial for me, just because my hands and fingers aren’t always able to do exactly what I would like them to do in the bedroom.

Yeah. That was something I didn’t get checked out until it affected my sex life. But now I did, and now I know. Another fun thing about strap-on sex — you can penetrate both partners and stimulate both partners simultaneously. So that doesn’t necessarily mean penetration. So when I’m talking about penetrating both partners simultaneously, I’m talking about double ended dildos, which we will get into. That’s totally a thing. They are not all created equal. But some of them are really fun and pretty easy to use.

But strap-on sex can also just stimulate both partners generally. So, for example, if you are a vulva owner and you’re wearing a strap-on harness, you can choose a dildo or a cover for the end of your dildo that will stimulate your vulva. Or you can use a vibrator inside your harness. So there are some harnesses that offer that option. It’s not always perfect. It’s not always exactly where you need it to be. And that can be a little difficult and require some trial and error. But it definitely is possible for both folks involved in this act to get genital stimulation at the same time.

The final reason why you might want to try strap-on sex is that size matters. And if your partner has a penis that is a little too girthy for you, or if your partner has fingers that are a little bit short but you would like to be penetrated a little bit deeper, you can find a dildo that will serve that purpose for you. And you can, in fact, have a whole bunch of dildos that you use for different occasions, on different days. They’re always perfect. They’re always what you want.

And you can use them solo or you can use them with your partner. So… Strap-on sex can basically give you exactly what you want whenever you want it. Which… Is great! Who doesn’t want that?! Now, before we get into more of the specifics about buying a dildo or harness, let’s talk about just how to start a conversation with your partner about strap-on sex. Because… Unfortunately I think there’s still a lot of stigma around strap-on sex.

So when you’re considering trying strap-on sex with your partner, or just trying something new, generally, like any new kind of sex act, it’s always a good idea to have a conversation about that. In advance. Outside of a sexual context. In kind of like a neutral space. So that you can both clearly state what your needs and expectations are and what your boundaries are.

Things to Know Before Trying Strap-On Sex

So if you are curious about strap-on sex, make sure that it’s something that you absolutely want to do, and that your partner absolutely wants to do. If you are trying strap-on sex because your partner is pressuring you to try it… Or if your partner is shaming you for being interested in strap-on sex… Those are big red flags. That’s a relationship to reevaluate. We have a ton of advice on our website about… How to handle situations like that. Whether that’s… You know, general relationship conversations, or conversations about sex with your partner.

So just make sure that you and your partner are both 100% on board before you’re trying this. Additionally, I want to talk about the stigma a little bit. I think… Some folks, for whatever reason, still believe that if someone wants to have strap-on sex with their partner who’s a vulva owner, it means that that person actually wants to have sex with someone who has a penis. And that’s not true. Choosing to have strap-on sex doesn’t say anything about your sexual desires, other than the fact that you want to have strap-on sex.

Additionally, the desire to try strap-on sex doesn’t say anything about your gender identity or your sexual orientation. You are still the same person before and after you do it. The same stuff going on. You’ve just tried a new sex act. And that’s all it is. I think some people… Still feel a little bit nervous about strap-on sex too, because it can feel like… This new weird thing. But strap-on sex actually isn’t new. In fact… It is as old as the late Stone Age! And that’s the real deal. Researchers have found artifacts of dildos from the late Stone Age that were unfortunately made out of stone. Which still kind of mystifies and terrifies me.

But some of these have also been found to have these loops at the end, that some researchers believe were possibly used to hold a leather strap so that they could be worn like a dildo and harness. I love this fact! And artifacts like these exist across cultures. All over the world. So strap-on sex has been practiced everywhere. For a really, really, really long time. So… If it feels new and weird for you, it might be new and weird for you in your own life and your own experience, but it is certainly not a new concept.

And I love that! I love thinking about Stone Age queers. Now, does anybody have any questions before I move on, about starting that conversation with a partner? I’m gonna check our question box. Let’s see. Yeah! Someone here has Ehler-Danlos syndrome. Me too. Okay. You’re having questions about your hip and SI joints. And thrusting. We’re gonna get into that later. Because I have some position ideas for folks who have limited mobility or body pain. And we’re totally gonna cover that.

So I think… Later on in this class, we’ll be able to answer that question. But… Hey, what’s up, Ehlers-Danlos syndrome buddy. I’m so stoked to get into that. Did we get another one? I’m so new to CrowdCast. Okay. How to introduce strap-on sex to someone who has never been with women? Do we mean… Are you asking… As… If a woman… Were to introduce strap-on sex to someone who’s never been with women… Hold on. Gender gets confusing and loosey-goosey.

Okay. I think I understand what you’re saying. Maybe you’re asking for someone who has previously had sex with folks with penises, who is now having sex with someone with a vulva for the first time and they want to do strap-on sex. I mean… I would say… Strap-on sex is a totally different thing than having penis in vagina sex. Because of all of the reasons we just talked about. Because you get to choose the size and shape of your dildo. Because it’s happening potentially with a different kind of person. Because the communication and goals, if there are goals, in the sex that you’re having, are going to be different.

So… Strap-on sex isn’t “straight sex”, unless you are a straight couple. Engaging in it together. And that’s the only thing that’s straight about it. I think another question came up. Okay. Great. So I hope I answered your question. I’m gonna move on to talking about how to choose a dildo.

How to Choose a Dildo

This is gonna be the most important thing. The person who is being penetrated with the dildo should choose the dildo. Having worked in sex toy stores for so many years, I’ve seen so many people come in and try to surprise their partner with a dildo and they have no idea what size to get.

And the problem is: Dildos can be pretty expensive. And then you end up with this expensive toy that you can’t return, because it’s too big or too small, or… Not the right shape, or it doesn’t fit in your harness, or it’s too heavy for your harness. So the person who is being penetrated should be the one choosing the dildo. Bigger is not always better. And we’re gonna go over all the questions that you should ask yourself, before choosing a dildo. So you should make sure that it’s going to serve the purpose that you want it to serve.

I also want to acknowledge that something that’s really fun about choosing a dildo is you can get different sizes and shapes and colors, and if you specifically want a certain color of dildo, whether that’s a skin tone or a different color, for role play purposes… That’s one thing. But if it you’re strictly getting something for penetrative sex act, maybe no role play involved, it doesn’t matter what color the toy is.

I think… A lot of folks can get hung up on that, when you’re trying to choose a dildo. You’ve got to have that purple dildo! It just has to be purple! But here’s the thing. When it’s inside you or your partner… You’re not gonna see it! You’re not gonna see it at all. You’re just gonna feel it. And so… If you happen to find a dildo that is the perfect size and shape, but it’s green… Please get the green dildo. You’re going to enjoy it so much more than the purple dildo that isn’t quite the right size and shape.

Material

Okay. So here are some questions to ask yourself. When you’re buying a dildo. First: Is this dildo made out of body safe material? Most of the time, when we’re thinking about dildos, the body safe materials are gonna be silicone, glass, or steel. I have yet to see a steel dildo that can be worn in a harness. But if you have seen that and want to share a link in the chat, I’m very curious. But most of the time, they’ll be silicone, and very occasionally they will be glass. Silicone is my top recommendation. Especially for beginners.

The reason why you want to look for a body safe material is because unfortunately the sex toy market isn’t very well regulated. And some sex toys are made out of materials that are quite porous. Which means that they can trap bacteria or they can just degrade over time. And that is an issue when… Even if you just using this toy on yourself. Because you can give yourself a bacterial infection, if you continually trap bacteria in this toy. Or you can spread STIs to a partner. If it is a porous material.

Silicone dildos are going to be a little bit more expensive than something that’s made out of a porous material. But the options are really expanding now. And there are definitely places where you can get more affordable silicone dildos. But if you can’t afford a silicone dildo at this time, or if you have a dildo that you’re just in love with it, and it’s made out of a porous material, you can put a condom over it, to protect the material, and to protect you and your partners. And you’ll be good to go.

Functions

Additionally, you should ask yourself: Do I want to use this dildo vaginally, anally, or both? This is an important question to ask. Because typically, when you’re using a dildo for anal penetration, you’ll want it to be a little more firm. That’s pretty important, just because, like I said earlier, the butt can offer a little more resistance. So something that is firm will be a little bit easier to insert. Also, you know, individual vaginas and butts want different sized things.

So… That’s going to impact the size of the dildo you choose. If you are someone with a vulva and your vulva likes something a little bit bigger, and your butt likes something a little bit smaller, then you might need different dildos for those different occasions. And that’s always fun to have. Another question to ask is: Do you want this dildo to vibrate? That’s something that some folks really like. Some folks really don’t. It totally depends on you and your preference. Some dildos that are harnessable can vibrate because they’re rechargeable. So they have a motor inside. But then a lot of dildos, you’ll see they have a hole in the base that leaves room for a vibrating bullet that’s either rechargeable or battery operated. So that’s an option as well.

Vibration

A vibrating dildo is just for the internal vibrating sensation, if that’s something you enjoy. Some people find that they don’t get a whole lot out of internal vibration. Especially if there’s thrusting happening too. But if you do, then look for something that at least has the option to vibrate. And then if you find that you don’t love that, or your partner doesn’t love that, you don’t have to have the vibrating part turned on. The dildo will still work just fine without it.

Shape

Another question to ask yourself is: Do you want the dildo to penetrate more than one person? So… Do you want this to be a double ended situation? I’m gonna cover this a little bit later. But in this case, I’m mostly talking about a dildo that’s designed to be worn by a vulva owner internally. So I’m not talking about those long flexible dildos that look like snakes. And it’s just one long tube. Those are not butt safe and they’re also not particularly fun. Just because usually they’re not firm enough to really give anybody much stimulation.

I’m talking about the kind that have a small bulb on one end that’s designed to be worn vaginally, and then a longer end that sticks out. So you can penetrate another person. Either vaginally or anally with it. Those are really fun toys. Definitely they’re not for everyone. But if that’s something you want, then you’ll want to look for something that is double ended.

Sensation

It’s also important to ask yourself: What kind of sensation am I looking for? So… Do you want your dildo to provide really intense stimulation of the front of the vaginal wall? Or maybe the prostate?

Then you’ll want something that has a little bit of a curve to it. And you’ll probably want something that’s a little bit more firm, so it can give you more pressure. Maybe… Do you want to feel the sensation of stretching? In that case, you’ll want to look for a girthier dildo. Do you want to be preparing for penetration with something larger? Or preparing for fisting? Like, then you’ll want a girthier dildo. Or if you want some added stimulation, like… Some bumps and ridges, you can find a dildo that provides that as well. So keep the sensation that you’re looking for in mind.

Fit

Also, this is probably the most important question: Does this dildo have a base? And does it fit in my harness? So if you already have a harness, and you’re buying a new dildo, you want to make sure that the dildo fits in your harness and that you have the proper sized O-ring to hold that dildo. And we’ll talk about O-rings a little bit later when we get into harnesses. But it’s really important to make sure that fits. Because if you bring your dildo home and you’re all excited to use it and it doesn’t fit in your harness, that’s kind of a bummer. Weight is also important too. So if you have a really heavy dildo, you’re gonna want to make sure that you have a harness that fits very tightly to your body.

And is durable, so that it can hold that dildo up. So that’s another thing to think about.

Look & Feel

Additionally, ask yourself: How do I want this dildo to look and feel? We talked about that a little bit earlier. Like… Are you going to be using it for some kind of role play purpose? Do you want to have a big alien cock? Then you’re gonna need a big alien dildo. So keep that in mind. And if you’re not sure what size to choose, if you are new to buying sex toys generally, or you just haven’t purchased a dildo, a really good rule of thumb… And this is gonna be funny in a second… Is to consider the size of your fingers. Or your partner’s fingers. Or… Of other sex toys that you have. So if you live in an area where you can physically go into a sex toy store, to look at dildos, that’s my top recommendation.

It’s always best to see the dildo in person. Because it’s kind of hard to get a sense of just how big something is, or how flexible something is. When you’re looking at it online. So if you’re able to go to a store, that’s ideal. And what I recommend you do is: Pick up a dildo off the shelf. And hold your fingers up to it. Let’s say you usually penetrate yourself with two fingers. And see if the girth of your fingers is about the girth of the dildo. And decide if you want the girth of that dildo to be a little bit bigger or smaller, depending on what feels comfortable for you.

So that is something that you can try when you’re picking out the size of the dildo. If you’re not able to go to a sex toy store, you can physically measure your fingers or your partner’s fingers or another sex toy you have, and read the dimensions of the toy online. Most sex toy retailers, at least the reputable ones, will list the dimensions of toys on their website. So you actually know what you’re getting, so that when it arrives on your doorstep, in a box, you’re not shocked that it’s like… So much bigger or so much smaller than you thought it would be.

Body Compatibility

You also… Want to consider what kind of body you inhabit and what kind of body your partner inhabits, when you’re picking out a dildo. So, for example, if you or your partner have bigger bellies, it’s a good idea to have a longer dildo. Especially if you’re gonna be wearing your harness underneath your belly instead of over the top. Which is what I understand to be more comfortable from what a lot of folks have told me.

You’ll want to have a longer dildo so that you can get that extra length out from under your belly. So that’s something that’s pretty important. Additionally, if you or a partner have a shallower vagina, and you want to be using the dildo vaginally, then you want to go for something that’s a little bit shorter. So if you’re someone who has had gender confirmation surgery, your vagina is a little bit shallow, then stick with a shorter dildo, just so the end of your vagina isn’t getting absolutely pounded. That’s not super comfortable.

And if you’re someone with a cervix, and you tend to have a lower cervix, especially right before your cycle, then you might want to get a shorter dildo as well. Just because… Really pounding on that cervix can cause cervical bruising, which is not fun. It feels like menstrual cramps, and no one likes those. So make sure that the length of the dildo you’re using is appropriate for your body and your partner’s body.

Also, quick reminder: You can own different dildos for different occasions. And that is great. So if you have the means to do that, create a collection. Because… First of all, different parts of our bodies crave different things. Your partner’s body might need something different than your own body. And we also might need different things on different days. Maybe you don’t want to get absolutely pummeled by a big girthy dong every single time you have strap-on sex. Maybe you want some other options. So if you’re able to do that for yourself, that’s ideal.

Recommended Types of Dildos

So here are some examples of different kinds of dildos. So when you’re looking for dildos, online, one brand that I really recommend is Tantus. They have a huge range of silicone dildos. So those are all made out of body safe material. And they’re organized on their website based on feel. So that’s really helpful. So you know exactly what you’re looking at. When you’re going to the different categories. One word that you might see on that website and on other sex toy websites is the word “dual density”. What that means is that the dildo has a firmer core and the outside is a little bit softer and squishier.

These are a really great option. Especially vaginally. But they can certainly be used anally as well. Just because it gives you that… Pressure. Especially on the front of the vaginal wall. Because it’s nice and firm. But it’s also not too hard. So you still have a little bit of that squishiness. These are also said to feel more “realistic,” so if that’s something that you’re going for, if you want a dildo that looks and feels like a penis, something that’s dual density is gonna be able to provide that sensation.

Double-Ended Dildos

All right. Let’s get into double ended dildos, real quick. So like I said earlier, the ones that are long and wiggly and look like snakes, real floppy… They’re not butt safe. They’re usually not made out of body safe materials. That’s not ideal. And they’re not gonna give you a ton of pressure. I want to show you… A couple of options. So I’m gonna pull up these links. And then attempt to share my screen for the first time. Oh, God! I hope that works. Okay. Da-da-da.

And I’m gonna go over here. Isn’t it fun that I narrate every single thing that I do? It’s the best. Share screen. Da-da-da. Okay. Um… I don’t know. There was a thing I was supposed to click. And… I don’t know. Where that is. So… Please say in the chat if this is a nightmare or if you can’t see it. Unfocus? I don’t see the unfocus button. On the top bar? All right. I’m gonna find it. Unfocus is on the top?

I don’t see it at all. This is terrible. Let me stop sharing my screen real quick. Because that was probably not fun for anybody to look at. It looks like a square? Okay. I’m gonna try this one more time. Thank you so much for your patience, everybody. Share my screen. I still don’t see something that looks like a square. Try opening the tabs with the toys in a different window. Yeah. It’s… Open in a different window.

I’m just going to share this right now, while I talk about this toy. And if this didn’t work, I’m gonna check the chat afterwards. Right now I have this filling my whole screen to make sure you can see it. If this isn’t working, we’ll try something else next. This is an example of one of the double ended dildos I wanted to talk about. This is the ShareVibe by Fun Factory. Something that I really love about this is… If you’re just listening to this, we’re looking at a dildo that has… It sort of looks like the number “6”. And there’s a shorter curve on the end. And that is designed to be worn vaginally. What’s great about this is it has a really significant curve on it. So… For folks who are wearing this vaginally, you’re gonna get a ton of pressure on the front of the vaginal wall.

So that’s stimulating the internal portion of the clitoris, which is great. So the wearer is really getting a lot out of this. And there’s also a ridge on the front that will press the outside of the vulva. So you’re getting pressure there as well. So in this case, the wearer of this dildo is getting… You know, just as much stimulation if not more, as the person who is being penetrated with the other end of it. Something else that I really like about the ShareVibe is that it does have a hole in the bottom where you can insert a small rechargeable vibrator. So that can make the dildo vibrate. But you certainly don’t have to use that if you don’t want to. I’m gonna click this diagram. That’s showing how this person is wearing it.

For dildos like this, you certainly can use them without a harness, if you’re someone who has a really, really strong pelvic floor. But that’s pretty difficult to do. So I would recommend, if you want to use something like this, to use a harness with it. Just to make sure it stays in place. Because sometimes… Like when we’re having a lot of fun and getting stimulated, your pelvic floor muscles are gonna move and respond to that stimulation, and your dildo can just go flying out. And that’s not what you want.

Okay. I’m gonna… Stop sharing my screen. Okay. Okay. Everyone is saying that that worked. All right. That’s what I’m gonna do from here on out. I’m showing a product. I thought that would be a little bit easier. So that’s one example of a double ended dildo that functions super well. It’s definitely pricey. If you were looking at the screen, it was almost $130. That’s something to keep in mind when we’re talking about dildos and harnesses. Obviously not every dildo is $130. That one… Was so expensive because it’s double ended and it comes with this rechargeable vibrator. Most of them are not gonna be nearly that price.

But if you’re looking for a product that’s really, really high quality and lasts for a long time, you are gonna have to drop some money on it. The good thing is that a lot of sex toy companies have warranties. So make sure you pay attention to that, when you buy your product. So that if something does go wrong with it, you can take advantage of that warranty. Because you want to get all the bang for your buck. Right? Is that too corny? I’m sorry. I’m making dad jokes now.

Okay. I think that’s everything. Oh, I had one more thing that I wanted to say about double ended dildos. Specifically, that kind. Which is that they are perfect for dildo blow jobs. So… If you are a vulva owner who wants to role play as having a penis, or having external genitals of any kind, something specifically like the ShareVibe that I showed you, that can be worn internally, is great for a dildo blow job, because while your partner is sort of pulling on the external portion with their mouth, or holding their hand around the base and moving it, you’re feeling that move inside.

And… That can be really stimulating and really fun! All right. So here’s how to care for your dildos. So since we’re mostly gonna be talking about silicone dildos here, we’ll cover that first. Wash your silicone dildos with soap and water, and then to fully sterilize them, you’ll want to boil them for a few minutes. Or alternatively, you can put them in the top rack of your dishwasher, if everyone who shares your home is cool with that.

Silicone Dildos

Silicone dildos are completely sterilizable. So if you sterilize it in between uses, they’re not gonna spread any bacteria. Or STIs to your partner. You’re good to go. If you’re using a glass dildo, because there are some glass dildos that can fit in harnesses, you’ll also want to wash those with soap and water and boil those for a few minutes to fully sterilize them. I will warn you that glass heats up when it’s boiled. So make sure that you don’t touch it for a while after you’ve sterilized it in that way.

Glass Dildos

Glass dildos… Are certainly an option for strap-on sex. They’re just not as common, because they’re glass. So they’re very, very firm. Which does limit the kinds of positions that you can be in, while you’re using them. So they’re not ideal. But if you’re someone who really prefers glass, there’s definitely some out there that you can use in a harness. And then when you’re storing your silicone dildos, it’s ideal to store them in individual cloth bags, away from lube and away from other toys. Especially if you have non-silicone toys. Because sometimes toys that are made out of porous materials, they can sort of degrade over time and bleed onto your other toys, and we don’t want that to happen. We want to preserve the quality.

And additionally, you want to keep those silicone toys away from silicone lube. Because silicone lube can degrade silicone toys. So when we’re using lube with these toys, you want to go with water-based. And additionally, when you’re storing them, if you do have silicone lube, just keep that silicone lube away from those toys.

I’m gonna check the questions section real quick to see if we had any questions about dildos in particular. Okay. So someone is asking if it’s important to put the glass dildo in the water while it’s heating up. Or if you should boil the water and then drop it in. I recommend putting it in the water as it’s boiling. Glass dildos are made to be as shatterproof as possible. I know it sounds really scary to put glass inside your genitals. But these… The kind of glass that these are made out of will only shatter if it falls off of a high shelf or something. But with boiling water, just to be safe, it’s a good idea to have it in the water before it boils.

And then also you don’t have to worry about splashing boiling water all over the place when you drop your glass dong in it. So put it in that cool water first, and then boil it. Do we have any more questions about choosing a dildo? I’m gonna take a look at these questions again. Someone is talking about alternatives to pelvic harnesses. Hell yeah. We’re gonna talk about that. I’m really excited. Okay. We’re gonna move on to harnesses.

Harnesses

Who can wear a harness? Anyone! Anyone can wear a harness. It doesn’t matter what kind of genitals you have. You can wear a harness. And if you don’t want to wear a harness on your pelvis, you can wear a harness on a different part of your body. And I’ll get into that too. Different kinds of harnesses work better for different kinds of bodies. And we will be talking about that as well.

So something that I mentioned earlier is that there’s this common misconception that the only people who can wear a pelvic harness are people with vulvas. That’s definitely not the case. It’s totally possible to wear a harness as a person with a penis. There are some options that allow your genitals to be out. And then there are other options that you can use while tucking.

One note about that — so there are definitely underwear-style harnesses that you can use for the purpose of tucking. And I’ll talk about those. But if you want to use more of like a strappy harness, you can totally wear underwear under your harness. That is absolutely fine. Or even if you’re not someone who tucks, and it’s just… More physically comfortable for you to wear underwear under your harness, or if you have genital dysphoria, or if it just helps your harness stay in place, you can absolutely wear underwear underneath, if that’s your preference.

But if you are tucking, you’re gonna want to make sure that you have a harness where the dildo can sit on or above your pubic bone. Just so that you’re not putting tons of pressure on your genitals while you’re fucking with your harness. Because that can be really, really uncomfortable, and we want to avoid that. So the different kinds of harnesses I’ll be talking about today include adjustable leather and faux leather harnesses, adjustable fabric harnesses, underwear-style harnesses, and thigh harnesses.

There are also hand harnesses and chin harnesses. Those are a lot less common, so I’m not gonna be talking about those today unless someone has specific questions about those. But those are definitely options. But in terms of a non-pelvic option, the most common one is the thigh harness. And… In my opinion, it’s the most versatile option. So I will be talking about those. And we’ll cover the pros and cons of all the different kinds and options for a budget, et cetera.

Shopping for a Harness

If you want a good quality, long lasting harness, this is just something to keep in mind. You are gonna have to spend some money on it. There are definitely lower priced options that exist. Those are not necessarily always size inclusive. And not necessarily durable. But if you’re on a budget, and you just want to try strap-on sex, you don’t know if you’re gonna like it, you don’t know if you want to invest a lot in it, you can definitely find something that is workable, maybe not ideal. From what I understand, a lot of the cheaper harnesses out there… They don’t necessarily fall apart right away. But they don’t stay tight to your body, sometimes. Depending on how they’re tightened and how the straps fit.

And that can be pretty annoying, when you’re having strap-on sex. You want something that’s gonna fit tight to your body and hold that dildo in place. So that’s just something to be aware of. If you can… When you’re buying a harness, it’s a great idea to try it on first. I know that’s not always possible. There are some sex toy stores that will let you try on a harness over your pants, just to make sure it fits. So if you can do that, definitely take advantage of it.

But if not, or if you’re buying a harness online, make sure that you have your exact hip measurements and that you’re looking at the size chart online, so that you can get something that works. Because you can spend a lot of money on a harness, and if it doesn’t fit, then that’s not fun for anyone. If you’re someone with a bigger belly, and you prefer to wear your harness over your belly instead of underneath, make sure you include your belly in your hip measurement, just so you have something that’s gonna fit around the bottom of your body.

Leather Harnesses

And I already covered that. Okay. Great. So… Once you’ve got those measurements, you’re looking online for a harness. You’re at the sex toy store. The first option, and probably the most common option that people think of, is an adjustable leather or faux leather harness. Some of the pros of these kinds of harnesses are… They look really sexy. I think that’s undeniable. A lot of people love the look of leather or faux leather. And it’s a really durable material.

Another pro is that these harnesses can be shared with partners. Most of the time. So what I mean by that is: Since they’re adjustable, you can adjust it to fit your body, and you can adjust it to fit your partner’s body, depending on the range of sizes that you and your partner’s bodies span. You can also usually adjust the fit with these and sort of fiddle with where the dildo sits on your body. Like, earlier, when I was talking about tucking and talking about how it’s a good idea to have that dildo on or above your pelvic bone in that case, that’s also a good idea just for anyone, when you’re doing anything anal with a dildo and harness.

Because it gives you a little bit more control. And like I’ve said a few times already, that butt provides a lot of resistance. So if you have a harness that’s able to adjust where that dildo sits, that is ideal. And it’s just a good idea to help you find the position that is most comfortable for you. Also, leather — if you end up getting a true leather harness and not a faux leather harness, leather will soften and form to your body over time. Which means that the longer you have your harness, it just gets more and more comfortable.

I do want to answer a question that came in, in advance of the workshop. Someone was asking about ethically sourced leather harnesses. And I want to acknowledge a lot of us mean different things when we say ethically sourced leather. I don’t want to answer that question, because I don’t specifically know what you mean by that. But there are some leather retailers that do list exactly where their leather comes from. I think that’s more common with independent designers.

And a lot of those folks are really reachable on Etsy. You can shoot them a message and figure out where they’re getting their leather from. And that’s another pro of leather and faux leather harnesses. There are so many queer independent designers out there, with Etsy pages or other online shops, who do custom harnesses. Those are definitely more expensive than a non-custom harness.

But you are guaranteed to get something that has the exact look and feel that you want. So that’s a big pro. A con to adjustable leather or faux leather harnesses is that they’re not always size inclusive, depending on what brand you’re looking for. They can be expensive. And with those harnesses, they typically have O-rings. So an O-ring is either a… Usually a silicone or rubber ring. That’s what holds the dildo in place on your harness. And the O-ring is usually held in place with snaps or buckles. And typically with these kinds of harnesses, you will need different sized O-rings for different sized dildos. If you’re using different dildos all the time, you might need to purchase different O-rings for that harness. That might be a con because it might be a little annoying. And adjustable leather and pleather harnesses might not have all the bells and whistles of other harnesses. If you’re looking for a pocket for a vibrating bullet, you’re probably not going to find it in this kind of harness, for example. And you also can’t fully sterilize a leather harness. So that’s something that’s really important to remember if you’re using this with multiple partners. Leather is extremely porous. You can’t sterilize it. You can wash it with a little bit of antibacterial soap and rubbing alcohol. And that does something. But it certainly doesn’t do everything.

And you’ll always want to let a leather harness air dry. Use saddle soap. Use leather conditioner. So it does require a lot of care. But it does look really, really good. I also want to acknowledge that just adjustable harnesses in general can be difficult to work with, if you have limited hand mobility or hand pain. Because there’s a lot of buckles and snaps involved. So that can be a con, if that’s an issue that you deal with. And… I think those were all the pros and cons I wanted to mention.

So I’m gonna show you a… One leather harness real quick. And I will share my screen. This time it’s gonna be great. And there’s gonna be no problems. So this is a leather harness by Aslan Leather. It’s $130. They’re not all this pricey, but I’m showing this one, because this is a good example of the fit and style of most leather harnesses. So in the front, there is a rubber O-ring that’s held in place with some snapping pieces. So you can take that in and out. And then this particular harness has straps in the back that go underneath the butt.

A quick note about that… So some harnesses that are adjustable with straps — they’ll fit with straps under the butt, or they will fit more like a thong. That is mostly a personal preference thing. I’ve heard really different things from different people, about that, and what’s most comfortable with different body types. I know some folks who wear larger harnesses say they have more control with a harness that fits like a thong, but I’ve also heard the opposite. This is something everyone has to experiment with on their own. Or if you already know… I hate the feeling of something on my butt — don’t get a thong harness. Get something with straps that go under the butt. What is nice about this harness in particular — and you can’t see this in the photo — but the straps that go under the butt can actually slide along the back strap of the harness. So you can slide those straps together, so that you do have the option to wear this as a thong if you want. So… That’s… Pretty cool. We love options.

I will stop sharing my screen. Great. And that particular harness… Has two sizes. So if you’re interested in that one, the smaller size fits hips that are between 26 and 44 inches. And then the larger size fits hips that are between 36 and 56 inches. They also make a vegan leather version. So if that’s a company you’re excited about, check them out. But you can find all different kinds of leather harnesses everywhere. On Etsy, on other websites. So check that out, if you want a custom option.

Fabric Harnesses

Let’s talk about adjustable fabric harnesses. Some pros is that a lot of the brands are machine washable, which is just really convenient. You can wash it and sterilize it. Many of them have stretchy O-rings. So instead of having those rubber O-rings that you have to switch out, you just have one O-ring that you can use to accommodate different kinds of toys. So that’s an added convenience. They’re usually really comfortable to be worn for long periods of time.

And it’s pretty easy to share them with partners, since you can adjust the size. It’s easy to adjust where the dildo sits on your body, and these, in my experience, come in the broadest range of sizes that I’ve seen. So that’s really great too. Some cons… They don’t necessarily have that sexy look that leather provides. They might look a little more sporty. But they certainly serve their purpose. And the cheaper versions of fabric harnesses do tend to loosen while you’re using them, and fall apart over time.

I’m going to show you… Let’s look at this one. All right. Well, my screen has frozen. So that’s cute. Great. Well… Let me see what I can do here. So what I want to show you… And what I’m searching for right now… Is the brand Spare Parts. They make a ton of different harnesses. Okay. I’ve got it now. It’s loading. They have fabric harnesses that are… Really comfortable. They come in a wide range of sizes. And they have a whole lot of bells and whistles. So I am now sharing my screen. So… This one right here is called the Theo harness by Spare Parts. This one is $114. So this one, again, is definitely on the expensive side. But these will last for a long time. They have that stretchy O-ring. What I really love is the band that goes around the hips is super wide. And is adjusted with velcro. So once you’ve adjusted the straps so that they fit your body appropriately, you don’t really have to adjust them again. You can just velcro it around your waist. So this is great if you’re someone who deals with hand pain, or if you just want the ease of getting the harness on.

There is a pocket that is underneath the O-ring, where you can put a vibrator, if you wish. There’s a lovely person wearing this harness. And then the back of this one… Fits like a thong and has snaps in the back so you can adjust the length of that back strap. Spare Parts makes another version called the Jock that’s very popular, that has under the butt straps. I’m showing the thong version for the sake of versatility. But a lot of people like the thong strap, because it’s very cushy. It’s not giving you a pain in your crack area. We don’t want that. All right. I’m done sharing my screen.

And… Well, now my notes have gone away. Uh… But I do want to talk to you about the measurements of those. Which I have written down in my notes. And we’re gonna find them. We’re gonna find them together. I think my computer kind of freaks out with CrowdCast. There’s too much going on! We’re scrolling down. Okay. We’re on our way there. So in the interests of time, I’m not gonna share my screen for all of these other ones that I’m gonna talk about.

But I do want to mention — so the Spare Parts harnesses, they come in two sizes. Size A and size B. Size A fits from 20 to 50 inch hips and size B fits 35 to 66 inch hips. So those are pretty easy to adjust. And to share with partners. I want to mention some budget options. Specifically, there’s something called the Tantus Curve Kit. And there will be a link to this, on the transcript of this class later. This is actually a dildo and harness combo. That’s $84 all together. Which is a steal.

This can fit hips up to 60 inches. So this is a really great option. It’s… You know, definitely not on the fancy-schmancy side. Not as fancy as Spare Parts. But it will do the job. And it’s a great way to shop for a dildo and harness together, if you’re on a budget. And there will be links to some other options too. There’s one called the Divine Diva that is $50, that fits up to an 82 inch waist. And that one has lots of cushion and is super comfortable. So there are just a lot of options out there, for fabric harnesses.

Underwear Harnesses

I want to move on to underwear harnesses. And… I’m gonna start moving a little bit quicker. Because this is going by way faster than I thought it would. Pros to underwear-style harnesses: Some brands are machine washable. Which is great. They’re super easy to put on. You just… Slip them on. And you’re good to go. You don’t have to adjust any straps and buckles. They typically have stretchy O-rings, so they can accommodate different dildos. Sometimes they have a pocket for a vibrator. And these are a really great option if you want to wear a harness while tucking.

Specifically, the brand Spare Parts is the one that a lot of folks have told me is best for that, because it’s made out of kind of like a swim suit material and fits really tight to the body. So this is a great option for that. Some cons to underwear harnesses are: They might not fit you if your body size fluctuates significantly at different areas of time. So… Just a little bit of fluctuation, it’s probably still gonna fit. But if you’re someone whose body size fluctuates in a way where you find yourself wearing different pant sizes, an underwear-style harness probably isn’t gonna work for you. Because if it’s too tight or too loose, it either is gonna be uncomfortable or it won’t hold your dildo in place anymore.

These are also not great to share with partners unless you and your partner happen to be the exact same size. But otherwise… If you and your partner both want to use a harness, you’ll have to get different options. And if you don’t get a high quality one, it can stretch out over time. And it might not be able to hold up a really heavy dildo. So… I just quickly want to mention… And just to move faster… I’m probably not gonna show photos and share my screen for all of these. But RodeoH is a really popular brand. They make some budget options that are around $50 for underwear-style harnesses.

And they carry size XXXS to I think XXXXXL is the biggest size that they go up to. So that’s up to 61 inch hips. These are really great. They’re not super expensive in comparison to some other options. The downside is they can stretch out over time. And they’re not gonna be great for a heavy dildo. So if you want a heavy dildo or if you want something a little more durable, then I recommend the brand Spare Parts, again. They have an underwear-style harness called the Tomboy that ranges in size from 26 inch hips to 59 inch hips. That one, though, is gonna be more expensive. Depending on what website you look at, it can be anywhere from $70 to $100. But this material is machine washable and it does not stretch out.

So that’s really great. And if you want more of a femme version of an underwear-style harness, they have two options, called the Sasha and the Bella. One of those… There is sort of like… A lacy underwear situation. That has an open back. So if you want access to your back door, you have that. And then there’s another option that has garters on the bottom. So those are both super hot. So if you want a harness that has more of a femme look and feel, those are really great.

Thigh Harnesses

And finally… Thigh harnesses. Tons of pros for these. If you are someone with limited back and hip mobility, or if a pelvic harness just isn’t comfortable on you, your thigh is a great option. So a thigh harness, just like what I’m saying. It straps around your thigh. The O-ring sits on the top of your thigh, so the dildo sits on the top of your thigh. A fun way to use these is: You can sit perfectly still, and your partner can get on top of your thigh and ride the dildo on your thigh. You don’t have to move at all. You don’t have to do a thing. So that’s really fun.

And then it also means that your hands are free, your mouth is free, and your genitals are exposed. So thigh harnesses are a great way for the wearer to get a ton of stimulation too. And they’re a great option for folks who don’t want to wear a pelvic harness or have limited mobility. Two options that will be linked in what we’ll share after this workshop are: Velcro thigh harness that I found that’s only $25, and then Sportsheets also makes a thigh harness that’s about $75. The unfortunate things with thigh harnesses is that they don’t always list their sizes online. I know that one of them that we’ll share does fit thighs ranging from 10 to 20 inches, I believe.

And then the other one didn’t list sizes at all. So that’s a big bummer with thigh harnesses. But there are definitely custom options out there. There are a lot of independent harness makers who sell thigh harnesses. So if that’s an option you want to go with, and you’re not sure if what you’re seeing online is gonna fit you, you can find something online that does.

Tips for Harness Wearing

So that’s my rundown of different kinds of harnesses. I’m gonna keep breezing through this, and then get to these questions at the end. Just because I don’t want to run out of time. But I have a few tips for the harness wearer. First of all, if your harness is adjustable, take some time experimenting with it on your own. Before you try having strap-on sex. Because sometimes there’s a lot of buckles, there’s a lot of adjusting. It can feel awkward. So it’s a good idea to just have a sense of what that’s like on your own before you try to do it in front of a partner. Sometimes we can get a little nervous and fumbly, and it’s nice to know what you’re working with in advance.

I think it’s much easier to put your dildo in your harness before you put it on. Because once that harness is tight to your body, especially if you have an O-ring that has snaps, it can be hard to, like, get that snapped in there. So if you’re able to do that in advance, that is ideal. And if you feel weird about wearing a strap-on harness, this might sound silly, but wear it around your house. Walk around in your harness. With your dildo out. And just… Get used to having it there. And that way, you’ll probably feel a lot more comfortable using it during sex. Let’s see what else.

So another tip for the harness wearer is: If you find that the base of the dildo is uncomfortable against your genitals, or if you’re just not getting a ton of stimulation from it, you can use a textured silicone base. There is something called the BumpHer. B-U-M-P-H-E-R. I don’t know why they gave it a pronoun, but they did. This is a soft and textured silicone base that fits over the base of a dildo. And it kind of rocks against your genitals while you’re wearing it in a harness. So that just provides more stimulation. So if you find that your dildo isn’t really hitting you where you want it to hit you, the BumpHer will sort of extend where the base of that dildo goes. And it will also make it softer.

So if you find that the base of your dildo feels too hard or uncomfortable, something like the BumpHer is great. Additionally, if your harness has a pocket for a vibrator and you want to take advantage of that, go for it. I would definitely recommend trying a vibrating toy that is round and flat, if you can. A lot of folks will try to use a bullet vibrator. That can definitely work, but sometimes… A lot of those are made out of hard plastic, and that can feel uncomfortable, if you’re really thrusting away. So if you do happen to have a vibrator that is a little squishy and round and flat, and ideally silicone or something soft, that’s gonna be a lot more comfortable.

And if you are wearing a harness and you’re using a double ended dildo, make sure that the end that’s inserted in you is lubricated. Because that’s probably gonna be in there for a while. And even if you’re someone who produces natural lubrication, a little extra lube will help you go longer. Will help you feel more comfortable. So that is ideal.

How to Have Strap-On Sex

Vaginal Strap-On Sex

All right. We are gonna get into vaginal strap-on sex, and then we’re gonna talk about anal strap-on sex in different positions. And unfortunately, I’m gonna have to try to do that as quickly as possible. But… This is gonna be fun. I also want to say, when I talk about sex positions, I try to find good pictures, demonstrating the positions, but they all felt not very inclusive, and they felt very straight and cis. So… I’m not gonna be showing images for this. I’ll be describing them in words, which might be difficult. So if you’re confused, please ask in the chat, and I’ll do my best to explain these better.

So when I’m talking about how to have vaginal strap-on sex, I’m gonna be using the words “giver and receiver”. When I’m saying “giver”, I mean the person wearing the harness. And the “receiver” is the person who is getting fucked by the dildo. Of course, that language is a little bit limiting. Because technically everybody is receiving something out of this act. But this is just for the sake of simplicity. Those are the words I’m gonna use. First, have a conversation with your partner about physical and emotional safety before you engage in strap-on sex. That’s always a good idea before you try something new. To just talk about what your limits and boundaries and needs are, just so you’re both getting what you want out of the experience and you feel safe.

Also, make sure you are in a comfortable space. You have uninterrupted time. Your phones are off. When you’re relaxed, you’re gonna be having a lot more fun. You’ll also want to prepare for messes. So that means lube. Because I’m going to ask you to use lube. That means menstruation. That means squirting. Whatever kind of mess that’s gonna come up, be ready for it.

So if that means using a waterproof blanket or a drop cloth or a sheet or towel or something that you’re putting down in the area where you’re having sex, that will just help ease your mind too. You’re not gonna have to worry about staining your sheets. And you can instead be more in the present moment. And doing what you’re doing. Always warm up for strap-on sex. So that means oral sex, hand sex, vibrators. BDSM. Whatever gets you in the mood. Because the more aroused you are, the more fun you’ll have. The easier it will be. And the more pleasure you will receive.

If you’re somebody who has had gender confirmation surgery, and you’re gonna be having penetrating strap-on sex, make sure that you’ve been following your surgeon’s instructions in terms of dilating, and if you need to dilate in advance, that you’ve done that. Just to make sure that you’re gonna be safe and comfortable the whole time. And when you’re ready to have vaginal strap-on sex, get that harness on. And make sure that it is fitting tight to your body. The last thing you want is to have your harness be too loose and then you have to stop.

So make sure it’s fitting nice and tight. And if you want a little extra control, make sure that your dildo is sitting a little bit high. So on or above your pubic bone. That might feel silly. I know some people want to have their dildo like… Where their genitals are specifically located. And if that works for you, that’s great. But if you need a little bit more control, it’s totally fine to wear it a little bit high. I find that that works best.

Use water-based lube. Even if you and/or your partner produce natural lubrication, lube is always gonna make the experience just a little bit easier. It can last longer. It can be more fun. If you’re using a silicone toy, make sure that lube is water-based and make sure you’ve tested it in advance, in case of any allergies. And when you start, it’s a good idea to let the receiver guide the dildo in with their hands.

So we’re talking about vaginas right now. We’ll talk about butts in a second. But… Just to make sure that that dildo is hitting the right spots and not the wrong spots — just let your partner guide it in. And I want to say, as a receiver, so if you’re the person getting fucked with a strap-on… You don’t just have to, like, lie back and get fucked. Although you certainly can, if that’s what you want. But you can totally be really active in this. And I’m gonna recommend some sex positions that require a little more action from the receiver.

But even if you’re in one of those positions, where let’s say you’re in what folks would call the “missionary” position, and the receiver is on their back, you can grab onto your partner’s harness, and use that to pull their hips into you. You can wrap your legs around their back. There’s a lot that you can do to stay active in the experience. So it doesn’t feel like you’re just laying there, if that’s not what you want.

And for givers, you don’t have to go deep to give your partner pleasure. Sometimes staying shallow is best. And in fact, most of our nerve endings are located in more of the shallower regions of the vagina. So make sure you’re in communication with your partner. While you’re having strap-on sex. About depth, about speed. Those are both gonna be really important. Also, try different positions.

It might feel silly and awkward to switch positions while you’re having sex. This is totally normal. This is something that everybody has to do. In order to find what feels most comfortable for you. Everyone is different. So if one position really worked for you and one partner, that might not work for you and a different partner. Because everyone’s body is different. So it’s really important to experiment, to find what feels best.

And it might feel silly to switch positions. It’s totally okay to laugh. Sex is hilarious. It’s best to lean into it.

Some Positions to Try

So… I’m gonna list some position options. We’ve got… The Cowperson. Yep. That is a gender neutral cowgirl. Cowperson. So if you’re someone who has limited mobility and back issues, and you’re wearing a harness, you can lay flat on your back as the giver, and the receiver can just ride your dildo. So you don’t have to move or thrust at all, if that’s not comfortable for you, or you don’t want to. It’s also really nice, because it gives the receiver total control of the depth and the speed of what’s happening. So that’s one option.

We also have the Missionary Position. So for receivers, who maybe don’t want to be as active, or can’t be as active, you can lay on your back. And the giver can lean over you. And penetrate you vaginally. That way. For receivers who have bigger bellies, it can be really helpful to elevate your hips under a pillow. And that way, your belly can kind of fall back and out of the way, while you’re having sex in this way. One brand to check out is a brand called Liberator. So you can certainly use whatever pillows you have in your home. But if you want to be a little fancy-schmancy, Liberator makes pillows that are made out of really firm foam. They are specifically for sex. And they can help get your body in different positions.

So this is great for anybody if you just want some more comfort during sex, or if you experience body pain, and it’s easier to be in certain positions. Liberator pillows are super comfortable, nice and firm, and they have waterproof coverings. So those are really great. All right. We talked about missionary. Let’s talk about doggy style, on the hands and knees. So the receiver is on their hands and knees, and the giver is kneeling behind the receiver. For receivers with wrist pain, you can totally go down on your forearms, or you can even lay on your stomach and elevate your hips with some pillows. And then the giver can fuck you from behind that way.

So doggy style can be a lot more versatile. It doesn’t have to be hands and knees. We also have a position that some people seem to call the butterfly. I don’t know how common that is, but that’s what I’ve read. This is when the receiver is laying on their back, on a bed, with their legs hanging off the end, and the giver is standing and thrusting that way. Whether or not this position works will depend, of course, on the height of your giver and the height of your bed, but this is totally an option. We also have what I call side fucking. Maybe you all have a name for this. When the giver and receiver lay on their sides, facing each other. And maybe wrap their legs around each other. And the strap-on fucking happens that way.

This is a really cute and cuddly position that allows for a lot of intimacy. So that’s a fun option. There’s also sitting up, face-to-face. This actually works best if the giver is able to support the receiver’s weight. So if the giver and receiver can sit facing each other, and the receiver is kind of sitting in the giver’s lap, the giver can wrap their arms around the receiver and pull them towards them. That’s another really intimate position that can be really fun.

And then of course, there’s standing. A lot of folks like to experiment withstanding during strap-on sex. I just recommend that you do that near a wall. So ideally… The giver or the receiver is leaning against a wall, so that nobody falls over and gets hurt. Because that’s not fun. And… You know, always communicate about speed and intensity. Use your hands. You can touch your partner’s clit, touch their nipples, spank them, pull their hair, like… You don’t just have to be having strap-on sex. That’s the beauty of it. Is you can incorporate a lot of other things while you’re doing it.

And then take breaks. Like… Make out. Giver receive a strap-on blow job. Say sweet nothings into each other’s ears. Taking breaks is totally normal. And really important for comfortable penetration. So those are my tips for vaginal strap-on sex. My tips for anal strap-on sex are gonna be really similar. But there are definitely some special considerations.

I want to acknowledge: You do not have to clean your butt for anal sex. I think some people get really… Hung up on that. And scared of it. Because… You know, there is the tiniest possibility that the dildo comes out and there’s just a little bit of excrement on it. That comes with the territory. That’s where you are. And that… You know… Is pretty rare. If you’re someone who has regular bowel movements, you eat a lot of fiber, you’re probably good to go. There could be a little something, and that’s okay. That’s what we’ve signed up for, when we’re engaging in anal sex.

I mean, what’s great about strap-on sex is… If you’re self-conscious about anything getting on your partner’s body, in this case, it’s on a dildo. Which is really easy to clean and sterilize. So a lot of folks really like to experiment with anal sex with a dildo. Before doing that with body parts. Just because… It makes them feel a little more at ease. And that’s totally okay. If you do choose to clean your butt, using a douche or enema, do that a few hours before sex. So don’t do it right before. Sometimes water can get lodged up in there. You don’t know it’s there. And splash, out it comes while you’re having sex. It’s a mess and it’s not fun. So if that’s something that’s important to you, make sure you do it a few hours in advance. And only use water. You don’t want to go to the store and get a fleet enema. That’s a common drugstore for anal douching. That actually has a laxative agent in it. You don’t want to use that. You just want to use water.

Anal Strap-On Sex

When you’re having anal strap-on sex, the same rules apply to vaginal sex. Make sure you’re in a comfortable space. You have uninterrupted time. You are prepared for messes. And you are adequately warmed up. So… Stimulate each other’s genitals. Eat your partner’s ass. Use a butt plug. Use fingers. You really want to warm up your butt. You can also use a vibrator. A lot of folks like a really powerful wand-style vibrator on the outside of the butt, before engaging in anal sex. That will help all of those muscles relax. Because… Sometimes we have a tendency to tense up. And you don’t want to do that. That’s gonna be painful and not fun.

If you are having anal strap-on sex with someone who has a prostate, this is a great way to get prostate stimulation. And if you want to do a little prostate stimulation prior to engaging in the actual strap-on sex, you can totally use your fingers. So… The prostate is a gland that’s about the size of a walnut. And it’s near the bladder. And the way that you get to it is there’s a butt in front of me. So let’s say there’s a person in front of me. They’re facing away from me. Somehow their butt is in front of my face, because they’re very tall. You want to put one or two fingers in and press them forward. You want to find an area that has a slightly different texture from the rest of what you’re feeling. And that is the prostate. You can gently stroke that area to stimulate the prostate. Prostate stimulation — we don’t have time to get into it too much in depth.

But it allows for different kinds of orgasms. And really, really powerful orgasms. So if you are working with someone who has a prostate, or if you have a prostate, strap-on sex can be a really fun way to engage with that part of your body. When you’re having anal strap-on sex, really make sure that the harness is held tightly to your body. And make sure that you’re using a firmer dildo, just because it will be a lot easier to insert.

And absolutely 100% use lube. You have to use lube. Your butt does not self-lubricate. And we don’t have a ton of nerve endings deep in our butts. So we might not know if we’re getting hurt. So using lube is essential.

Some Positions to Try

I’m gonna go through a few positions really quick. So some of these are really similar to what we talked about already. Doggy style is certainly an option. On the hands and knees or laying on the stomach with the hips elevated with the pillow. That is an option. We also have something that I like to call the squat and thrust. This is for givers who are really flexible.

So the receiver lays on their stomach and the giver squats over them. And thrusts that way. Knees up is a really great position for anal sex, if the giver wants to be in more of a relaxed position. So lay on your back and pull your knees towards your chest. And if you have a bigger belly, elevate the hips with a pillow to get the belly out of the way, and the giver can kneel in front of you and fuck you that way. The lap sit is great. This is where the giver who is wearing a harness sits in a chair and the receiver just backs up onto their dildo. This is great for givers who have limited mobility or for receivers who want to be really in control of just how far that dildo is going in.

We have the bend over. Which is when the receiver bends over a bed or a table, and the giver stands behind them. That’s a great one. And there are so many options. I of course can’t cover all of them. But I do finally want to give one last shout out to this last one. Which is spooning! When the giver and receiver lay on their sides, the giver spoons the receiver. And fucks them that way. This is a really cute one. You can whisper into your partner’s ear while you do it. It’s adorable.

Once again, communicate about speed and intensity. Definitely continue using your hands to stimulate parts of your own body or other parts of your partner’s body. And take breaks. Taking breaks is really important. Just as important as it is for vaginal sex. And speaking of vaginal sex, if you’re doing anal strap-on sex, you don’t want to go from the back door to the front door with the same toy. So if you would like to do that, switch out your dildo for a different dildo. Or put a condom over it. If you want to go from fucking the butt to fucking the vagina. Just because you can spread bacteria from the back door to the front door.

And that’s not a good time. Those are all the positions I wanted to cover! I also want to mention: If you want to see some strap-on sex in action, because I know that sometimes a verbal explanation of sex positions can be really confusing, I recommend checking out the Crash Pad series. It’s an independent queer porn series. There’s a ton of strap-on sex in that. And when you’re a subscriber, you can actually filter for scenes that show strap-on sex. So you can see all the different ways and all the different kinds of people who have strap-on sex. That’s really fun.

And there’s also this old kitschy series by sex educator Carole Queen, called Bend Over Boyfriend. That is specifically about anal strap-on sex. I will warn you: It’s very straight, it’s very cis. But it’s really good information. I want to make sure… So we have… Three minutes left. I want to look at some of these questions. And if we have time, I want to talk about one harness that I skipped. Just gonna scroll down. We talked about bumpers. Someone wants to try a double ended dildo but they’re inexperienced with penetration. How do you work up to that?

That’s something that you’ll want to do slowly and over time. So… If you’ve never experienced any kind of vaginal penetration at all, and you want to be wearing a double ended dildo, like the bulbous end, those can be pretty girthy. So I would recommend experimenting with penetration with your own fingers, or a partner’s fingers, or a smaller toy. And then slowly work your way up to bigger sizes over time. You don’t want to go from zero to 100. Because that can be really painful. Suggestions for folks with vaginas who are on T and have had bottom growth.

Yeah. So if you are… I think maybe you’re asking… For folks who want to wear a strap-on harness, I think? If that’s the case, I know that folks on T who have experienced bottom growth can have really, really sensitive genitals. And so in that case, I would definitely recommend using something like the BumpHer. I don’t like that name. But that’s what it’s called. And that will help you avoid putting lots of uncomfortable pressure on your genitals. And it will be a little bit softer and will give you some extra stimulation.

We have just one minute left. So I know I should wrap it up. But there will be links — all the products that I talked about — on our website available to you later. And you can watch this after the fact. I really hope this has been helpful. And I’m sorry I had to speed through the end of it a little bit. Thanks so much for bearing with us, while we figured out CrowdCast and how to do online classes generally. This has been so fun. Thank you, Autostraddle and A+ subscribers. I hope you go out and have strap-on sex this weekend! Please! Happy Pride month. I’m gonna close my video now. But thank you!

Rachel: Hi, everyone! Can you hear me? Hey! Thank you everyone so much. God, thank you, Ro! Can we… I know you’re the only one you can see clapping. But can we give Ro a round of applause? That was incredible. I cannot believe anyone managed to fit so much information and so much useful, concrete, applicable information into 90 minutes. Especially as Ro was saying — a kind of sex people have been working on for literally thousands of years. We did it. 90 minutes. I think we’re all set. But seriously, thank you so much. That was incredibly helpful, Ro. I learned a lot. And I’m the interim sex and dating editor at Autostraddle. And I do just want to plug, just because I do think Ro is so masterful at this, that if you want to hear more of this, if you want to hear more about Ro on sex and dating in general, I would definitely check out our sex and dating newsletter, More, Please, of which Ro is the editor and curator. And I think it’s not all going to be guides and tips. But I think you’re gonna get a lot out of it, if you got a lot out of this workshop.

And again, thank you so much to everyone for being an A+ member. Both because of the income and the renewable sustainable funding that we get from A+ is what makes workshops like this possible and makes it possible for us to pay people fairly for them, as well as invest the money to make them accessible and pay folks like Mirabai who do that labor. I also want to thank you for being here. The investment, the engagement, the enthusiasm, the good faith you bring to these spaces makes it so fulfilling and makes us so excited to wake up and do this work every day. I do also want to share that we’re gonna have the transcript and recording of this video up next week, along with links to all of the resources and products that Ro has been so good to share, and we do also have gift memberships now for A+. I’m not sure if everyone is aware of that, but Nicole and our tech team have been able to set that up. So if you want to return to this and revisit it, it’s gonna be an option next week.

If you know anyone who would like to be able to access this and hasn’t so far, we’re able to gift a membership to them, you or someone else is able to gift a membership to them. For as little as $4 a month. That option is available at our join Plus page, like everything else. If you haven’t been able to see our previous workshops, you can go back through and look at what we’ve been able to do so far and join us for our next upcoming workshop. Thank you so, so much for being part of A+. We’re really excited to bring this to you and everyone else. And for everyone who wasn’t able to have the questions answered in the way they hoped to, I totally understand, and I would love you to know that you can actually share those with us at any time and we would be happy to answer them as a you need help or advice question for the site. It’s so helpful to know what you’re wondering, what’s on your mind, and it guides our coverage. If you’re thinking about it, chances are, a lot of other people are too. So thank you so much to everyone who joined, to everyone who was good enough to ask questions. We’re really excited to be in community with you. Happy Pride!