We then close our eyes, cross our fingers and jump all the way to Lima, Ohio, where Sue Sylvester is judging the Christmas Tree Decorations contest and is impressed by the Glee Club’s hard work stealing hamsters and incorporating pine cones into found art.
Did you get this balled-up maxi pad from the staff restroom
Cut to the auditorium, where “auditions” for the “Living Nativity scene” are in full swing, as monitored by William, Beastie and Artie, because why anything.
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” “Blow job in the music room?”
Marley, Unique and Tina, dressed in bedsheets and the fleece of ten thousand innocent lambs, prance around onstage while belting “Mary’s Little Boy Child.”
And lift those biceps and squeeze those triceps and push those shoulders and in and up and out and down and again and repeat
Hey Jesus I just read ya and this is crazy but here’s my number so call me maybe
Crap I just swallowed that entire chestnut
Eventually the ladies discard their robes in favor of a USA Gymnastics-flavored spandex glitterbomb situation that really screams VIRGIN MARY.
We don’t want no robes, a robe is cape that won’t get no love from us
Can you just check and see if there’s taffy on my butt from when I accidentally sat on the piano bench during recess
We pray to the goddess Isis please bless us and take us away from this terrible show
Ta-da:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4QVbBpTQuo
We then steal my stupid ex-boyfriend’s purple Kia (“it’s blue!” – my ex-boyfriend) and race each other all the way back to New York, New York, where Rachel’s freaking out that they’ll be mauled and eaten by a crowd of angry children.
Yes we already tried “Don’t Stop Believing” but they all threw iPads at us
THEN, who should appear before their twinkling eyes than an underwear model in a Santa outfit, his cloak suggestively opened to reveal his manly chest muscles!
Hey anyone have a baby-tee I could borrow? I left mine in Radio Shack.
Oh my stars it’s the Holy Spirit!
Santana tells this guy that “even I’ll admit that my girl-loving vagina is feeling a little jingle bell from you,” and although I have issues with her saying that to this guy but not to my gay boyfriend Adam Lambert, I’ll deal with it.
Now that’s my kind of package
Sexy Santa offers to step in for Drunk Santa, and the trio initially declines until Sexy Santa mentions that they’ll likely be bashed against a manger and left for dead if they don’t solve their Santa Situation ASAP.
Back off, like I said — I’m the lesbian. And I don’t do foursomes
For reasons far too convoluted or elusive for me to recall, Sexy Santa hires the Sassy Trio as his “deputies” and invites himself over for dinner at the Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft.
We then sing “I Believe I Can Fly” to ourselves while hiding underneath thick blankets until we truly believe we CAN fly, and then we do fly, all the way back to Lima, Ohio, where Sue announces that Glee Club has won the Christmas Tree decorating contest, for which the prize is NOT, unfortunately, a lifetime supply of tampons.
FFFUKCCCKKKK I just rammed my nuts on this table!
Becky, however, is devastated to have lost the big contest despite the fact that her tree didn’t contain any trees. Meanwhile in the Hallowed Hallways, the Nativity Scene cast list is up.
95% sure including a trans woman’s birth name followed by her chosen name in quotation marks as if it was a nickname and not HER NAME is against GLAAD’s rules of responsible cast list posting
Virgin Marley unsurprisingly secured the role of Virgin Mary, not to be confused with a Virgin Bloody Mary, which is just expensive tomato juice in a glass with a stalk of celery. Unique and Tina are heartbroken.
They promised me anal didn’t count!
Fake Quinn’s like oh duh, the Virgin Marley’s gonna be the Virgin Mary, and Marley-Kate is like what’s your damage, why didn’t you audition if you wanted to be the Virgin Mary so bad, it’s obvs that you’re like, totally obsessed with her and have a big fat lesbian crush on her.
Fake Quinn: “Don’t you get it? I’m a Christian, and I know what it means to have the Virgin Mary spirit in your heart. I don’t have it and I don’t deserve to be her. To tell you the truth, I’m more like Mary Magdalene.”
My Pussy. Your Mouth. Five O’Clock. Be there or be sexually unsatisfied.
We then tie up our Air Jordans, toss on a vintage pair of oversized basketball shorts and dribble all the way back to New York, New York, where the three little bears are preparing for a visit from Sexy Santa.
Is it just me or does this spoon smell like meth
At last Sexy Santa shows up! Sexy Santa somehow made it all the way to Bushwick in subzero temperatures without a shirt, so he’s probably some kind of cyborg. “For struggling actors, you guys got a great apartment,” Sexy Santa points out while Kurt drunkily trails him like a puppy about to hump the leg of a dining room table. Then Sexy Santa shows off his mediocre bag of tricks which just-so-happens to include a helium tank!
Yeah, I saw this on the subway but didn’t feel like going through that whole “if you see something, say something” routine so I just took it
Upon hearing that this twinky triumvirate became friends in high school Glee Club, Sexy Santa suggests a song — not just any song, but THE MOST ANNOYING CHRISTMAS SONG OF ALL TIME (Besides “I’m Getting Nuttin’ For Christmas” which I might hate less if it hadn’t played every hour of every day between Thanksgiving and New Years at The Macaroni Grill for all three years I worked there), “The Chipmunk Christmas Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late).”
What, so I like to blow up the condoms first just to make sure they work right
Crest Whitestrips Kinda Worked For Us!
So then the entire song happens in chipmunk voices, which is really funny if you’re stoned (and it’s always great when Kurt has a chance to actually be sexual instead of being the Safe Sexless Gay) but I can’t speak to the experience of watching this situation sober.
Ice cream soda, cherry on top, where’s your G-Spot I forgot!
Guess who else isn’t wearing any underwear
Well, it’s not a wreath of Brittany’s pubic hair, but it’ll do
Best simultaneous orgasm ever
Throughout the song, the audience is privy to Sexy Santa’s appraising glances at various household items throughout the musical number, which means we just have to wait and find out when, exactly, he plans to rob these little munchkins of all their kitschy Pier 1 paraphernalia and festive candles.
Let’s have a toast to all the douchebags (who write this show), let’s have a toast for all the assholes (who write this show)
When all the children were asleep in their beds, Kurt did a bunch of E and pranced around the loft singing Christmas Carols to himself all night long
Here’s the whole enchilada:
http://youtu.be/gaBceOMchQw
We then grease up the floors, put on our favorite pair of kneesocks, and slide all the way back to Lima, Ohio, where Tina’s having sexual fantasies about her new hand-blown glass angel dildo.
This will look gorgeous next to my Minne Ola
Becky intercepts their walk-and-talk with Christmas presents for Sam and Tina — two tiny vials containing her baby teeth, to remind them of the innocent Baby Jesus. Becky laments her big loss and Sue’s critique, saying now she feels like Tina and Sam because they’re losers, like Beck.
Honestly Becky, I’ve already been to the future and I can tell you that you will be regretting the inclusion of this foam finger really soon
We then extract one of our many JetBlue vouchers from underneath our craft supplies bin, catch the next flight back to Newark, and drive in a rented mini-van that smells like dead cats all the way back to New York, New York, where Rachel and Santana are sloppy drunk but for some reason not making out.
So uh, what’s your safe word? I’m asking for a friend
But the way they’re drunkenly sitting on the couch and drunkenly discussing how Santana should totally move to New York is totally the way that lesbians and straight girls end up with their tongues down each other’s throats but ALAS this show is DETERMINED to ROB us of all potential lesbian action this season and instead this hypersexual moment of lady-on-lady bonding is interrupted by said ladies wondering where the hell Kurt is, and finding him getting some homosexual handsiness of his own.
THANK YEEZUS YOU’RE HERE I NEED A JUNIOR MINT IN MY MOUTH LIKE WHOA LIKE RIGHT NOW
Rachel: OH MY G-D!
Santana: OH HELL NO that is not happening!
Sexy Santa: Don’t worry ladies, Santa swings both ways!
Santana: WHAT?
Oh just ignore Lenore, she forgot to put her dentures in again
Instead of immediately fleeing the scene like normal humans, Santana and Rachel stick around for some drunky banter!
Kurt: What’s the matter, Santana? Jealous?
Santana: No, I am disgusted. and also IMPRESSED, who knew the Queen of England could be so trashy!
This is MY Rent-a-Santa and I’m keeping it!
Kurt: Aren’t you the one who’s always calling me Miss Priss and telling me that I need to live it up a bit? Well you’re right, I’m in New York, I’m single I’m available and [to sexy santa] your hot buttered rum concoction is dangerously lowering my inhibitions. So why not throw caution to the wind?
You think this eggnog is good? No, this eggnog tastes like glue.
Sexy Santa proposes a toast “to being naughty.”
OOOh this is like when glass cups make out with other glass cups!
After an invigorating commercial break, we return to Hangover Island.
I just had the best sex of my entire life
Fuck that post-sex masturbation sesh hit the spot
Santana declares the last time she felt this bad was when she was “roofied at Lilith Fair.” UM she would’ve been too young for Lilith! She would’ve been too young for the Lilith revival, even. Among other problems with that ‘joke.’ Anyhow, the two girls get up (with their shoes on?) and look around to see that their dreamhouse has been stripped bare by the almost-bare stripper Santa who Santana recalls was probs most recently seen riding Kurt’s hobby horse.
This always happens when Kurt eats too much sugar
They rush into Kurt’s bedroom to find him hogtied in reindeer ears? It’s kind of disturbing honestly.
These are the weirdest calf exercises of all time Kurt
But I saw it on Lifehacker!
Apparently role-playing “Santa and his reindeer play Hide the Salami” led to Kurt getting tied up and left to flop awkwardly about in bed all night while Sexy Santa stole all their nice things.
This is why we don’t have nice things
We then position ourselves strategically atop an ambitious camel, slather our noses in SPF 45, hydrate excessively, and ride that camel all the way back to Lima, Ohio, home of the El-Bee Shoe Outlet, where Blaine’s upset that Fake Quinn doesn’t think she could be The Virgin Mary because who cares.
And then I was like “Well, if it looks this good with one hump, can you imagine what it’d look like if you threw in another hump?”
Virgin Marley says she tried to give Fake Quinn her part but Fake Quinn rejected her. Luckily, Unique has a plan. Think about the worst possible plan ever, then think about something slightly worse than that, and then think about that plan involving “running into traffic.” The plan we’re about to witness in action is worse than that plan.
We went skinny dipping and some asshole stole our clothes so we had to dress ourselves entirely in scarves, slipcovers and old beards
Fake Quinn arrives in the music room for a run-through and is befuddled by the fact that Virgin Marley isn’t dressed up like the Virgin Mary.
Fake Quinn: Wait, Marley, why aren’t you dressed as the Virgin Mary?
Marley-Kate: We all decided that the only girl who could do the part justice is —
Unique: —the black one! Joseph honey, get me to the stable, I’m about to pop!
Yup. Unique’s wearing a pregnancy suit! We’re gonna scare the racist white Christian cheerleader into taking her rightful spot as the Virgin Mary by presenting the image of Virgin Mary as a young black teen Mom. NICE WORK GLEE. A++++ fuck
Praise Jesus we found another reason to dust off the pregnancy suit
Start spreading the news….
…I’m leaving this show todayyyy
we’re gonna join a different show, in new york, new york….
I’m the King Of The Worst!
GPOY
Eventually the children begin tossing the baby doll around?
What are you doing with MY Baby Alive Real Surprises Baby Doll?
I’m Letting it SHINEEEEEEEEEEE
Okay NM over it you can have it back now
Here, witness the whole glorious event for yourself:
http://youtu.be/-M3k0ATmUZM
Fake Quinn declares this performance a sacrilegious horrorshow and insists she’ll get to play the Virgin Mary. PHEW. That was gonna be the worst five minutes OF MY LIFE.
Modern Family
Sam and Tina tell Becky her bag of diapers won the Christmas Tree Decorating Contest and give her the shitty cheap plastic angel and a part in the nativity scene, all while employing the most condescending tone of voice ever.
Becky, we made this hand-blown angel for our Etsy shop but we’ll sell it to you right now for half-price. Seriously you don’t need to pay department store prices for large plastic angels, not this year.
Supporting small businesses is the best!
We then slip into our favorite pair of flower-print leggings, smush our cold toes into warm Uggs, and walk very slowly, because we are very tired, back to New York, New York, where Kurt’s having a Couchsit of Shame.
If only I’d remembered to register my Kriptonyte lock online but you know, you always think it’s never gonna happen to you.
Rachel returns from her trip to the Cop Shop, where the cops told her that Sexy Santa also robbed the Mall and the Salvation Army or something. I don’t know why this isn’t already on Gawker. Also, they’re fired from the elving gig. Kurt insists that getting fired from their job as Christmas Elves will leave a black mark on their acting resumes… which is why they shouldn’t even put it on their resumes? What is he even talking about. You don’t see “Tony the Tiger for one day” on my resume. Rachel says he shouldn’t worry ’cause she got them another gig. WHAT WILL IT BE?!!!
It’s this great party downtown, it’s called Choice Cunts, and apparently is very female-friendly and VERY gay-friendly…
We then walk for forty days and forty nights with unleavened bread on our backs to catch the late late show of The Birth of Jesus Christ, starring Becky as little Lord Jesus, Fake Quinn as Virgin Mary, Unique as an angel, and everybody else as men with weird beards.
Who wants to take a ride on Virgin Mary Air?
It turns out that Rachel, Santana and Kurt’s new gig involves singing in a display case.
And now let’s practice digital penetration
Witness the entirety of this situation right here, right now!
http://youtu.be/Pi2r9uju11w
Well kids, that’s it for this partial-season of Glee, as apparently the show won’t be returning until February 25th! I’m sorry that this recap wasn’t as funny as usual but it just wasn’t happening and I had to move on with my life. I hope you all still put nice things in my stocking. I’m sure my first Glee recap of February will be FUCKING HILARIOUS.
Anyhow, this extended hiatus will give me lots more time to devote to writing about things I really care about and masterminding the re-launch of my Sunday Top Ten series! If you’re craving a terrible television fix in the meantime, I would suggest our endless archives, Chelsea’s American Horror Story recaps and Kate’s Once Upon a Time recaps. Furthermore, in January you can look forward to the return of Lizz’s Pretty Little Liars recaps and Vikki’s Fosters recaps. It’s also really easy now to access our TV show recaps via our brand-new redesigned menu!
I will end this recap with a video from a Previously Aired Christmas Special, featuring so many of my favorite people singing my all-time #1 top favorite Christmas song of all time!
http://youtu.be/2B8JFBNya0s
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I feel obligated to go “THAT WAS DETECTIVE WILDEN!” which makes the chipmunk song 10x creepier. (Admittedly, the only part of this episode I have seen, so perhaps the creepiness extended to other parts of the episode)
omg, THAT’s why grace asked me if i wanted pictures of wilden for the recap! wow, i think the episode would’ve been better if i’d known that when i saw it, oddly, because i was like “who the hell is that guy?” for most of it.
I KNEW HE LOOKED FAMILIAR
So since I’m marking atrocious essays all weekend, I applied my teacher-mind to this recap and made bullet-points while reading. Onus is on Glee, not you, Riese. You get an A+.
• Holy shit, these graphics are on fucking point! Best I’ve seen in months, good job!
• As annoying as Tina is now, I am loving her fashion decisions in life
• Soooooooooooo I’m really uncomfortable that every other elf is a Little Person except for our trio…….but Chris looks so fucking cute in that elf costume #conflictedethics
• Show ‘dem legs, Unique
• Wow, fuck, Unique is one of the Wise Men? And nobody says anything about it??? WHAT
• Supremely disappointed that it’s not actually Lea, Chris and Naya on helium.
• Is Sexy Santa’s bisexuality linked to being naughty? Is that really where we’re going, Glee?
First off, if nothing else your transitions between New York and Lima are always hilarious as all fuck. Second, that Unique storyline with the whole Virgin Mary bit is all the worst things about Glee combined into one truly terrible and unwatchable scene.
These captions were amazing!!!
I’m also REALLY excited for the return of PLL re-caps and the appearance of Detective Wilden makes this comment totally appropriate here.
With Santana and Rachel getting all drunk and such I was thinking, how much would it suck for Faberry shippers if Santana slept with both Quin and Rachel while Faberry will never happen? Ugh. It would be such a Glee thing to do though.
My investment for Faberry was 70% for Glee to just admit that Quinn was a giant homo, and so since that’s essentially established, I’m okay with Pezberry action especially since Quinn is never appearing again on the show.
actually i hear she’s returning for the 100th episode?
So Quinn wasn’t important for Finn, but for an arbitrary round number? Excellent storytelling, Glee.
I tuned into this episode halfway through and was so confused. I cannot come up with any idea why the creators of this show would think this was a good idea. great captions though!
I want to see Kurt and Detective Wilden legit make out.
I literally signed up for an account only to say two things:
1. I am madly in love with your references to actual businesses in Lima, OH. Part of me wants to pretend you got them from visiting those real places sometime during your life, and part of me thinks you probably just Googled them.
2. Every time you quote Santana, I Google the quote because I never believe she actually has said it. And every time she has. And every time I completely cannot believe Glee any more.
Thank you for doing these so I don’t actually have to watch Glee any more. Not that I would anyway, but it’s nice to know I got someone who’ll provide me a source of screencaps whenever Naya Rivera wears a sexy elf, a sexy Mrs. Claus, or sexy bubble bath outfit.
I like Glee a lot more when I’m not watching it.
Is this show even real?
1600 articles Riese?! Damn girl, four for you!
I stopped watching Glee after season 1, but have been reading Riese’s recaps pretty religiously. Every time I click the link to a new recap I hope, in my heart of hearts, that this show has actually been cancelled and Riese just reaches into the depths of her imagination to bring us stories of humanity gone wrong.
But then you post videos. And my poor little heart has to acknowledge that this crap-fest of a show is real. It’s really real.
100th episode: L word reenactment by Santana, Quinn, Rachel, Dani, and Brittany (Ryan Murphy will of course cast poor Dianna as Jenny). All songs will be acoustic Tracy Chapman, Ani DiFranco, and Melissa Ethridge covers. Blaine and Kurt will be allowed to interlude with sex toy reviews and the latest in boi fashion. Unique and Mercedes will sing a show stopping duet of Come to My Window. Will Shuester will come to the window, and Dianna as Jenny will kill him with Sue Slyvester and Coach’s help.
RIESE I love your Glee recaps so much for so many reasons, some of which are the interchanges between NY and Lima, OH and your hated for Will Fucking Schuester (I’m pretty sure that’s his actual middle name). Mostly I love them because reading them is way better than actually having to watch the show.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU IS ALSO MY #1 FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG.
“I’m sorry that this recap wasn’t as funny as usual but it just wasn’t happening and I had to move on with my life.”
RESPECT
This show is so fucking stupid.
But Riese, the captions on this recap were golden, don’t sell yourself short. I am certainly glad, though, that you’ll get to use this hiatus to write about things other than Glee. This was the first season I didn’t bother watching (except I watched half of this episode bc I was drunk and fell asleep) and I feel like such a strong person because of it.
Also, I’m pretty sure the only reason they did a “back in time” episode was so Kurt would be single so the sexy Santa plotline would work. Lazy, lazy writers. Ughhhh.
lolz, sexual assault ftdubs. Just what I want to see in a lighthearted, campy Christmas episode. :P