Horror Is So Gay // Header by Viv Le

Before I tell you about all the things that were done right with Horror Is So Gay, let me tell you about the things I did wrong. Well, just one thing, really. Sure, there are always a bunch of different challenges that go into planning, helming, and rolling out a month-long content package, especially when it includes a mixture of pieces from lists to longread essays. It’s never seamless, always a little jagged at the edges, even if the final products glisten and gleam. But there’s one thing that fell completely through the cracks with this one. I was supposed to write an essay I never even started.

Of course, it’s not about me. These themed packages never are, nor do I want them to be. They’re about the brilliant lagoon of writers who bring their wild ideas to the table I’ve set. They’re the real scream queens here. But I was planning to write a piece and then never did, and even though I’M the editor here, I feel like I ghosted an editor. The fact of the matter is that I simply ran out of time. Editing some of these pieces took more time than I planned for, and of course it did. Horror is a complex genre, and the pieces in this package attacked their themes, ideas, and points of view from sharp, multifold angles. This wasn’t just one week of essays like Diner Week; it was a whole month. I worked with writers on the Autostraddle team and outside of it. I lost track of the number of horror movies I watched and rewatched for the list I collaborated with Drew on. (Drew probably watched/rewatched at least double what I did and also did a better job tracking them on her Letterboxd.)

I’m proud of the work these writers did; I’m proud of the work I did. But I can’t stop thinking about the essay I didn’t write.

One of the most significant changes to my work life — and tbh also my LIFE life — since becoming Managing Editor (I celebrated my official one-year anniversary in the midst of Horror Is So Gay! How cool is that!) is that I don’t have as much time to write myself. I’m not talking about the creative work I do outside of this job (though, that’s certainly taken a hit, too); I’m talking the essays and longer work I used to be able to do right here at Autostraddle during my six-ish years as a team writer. Writing is still a part of my job here. In fact, my actual job duties include writing two to three pieces a week. But I’d say the job is about 80% editing, 20% writing the majority of the time. And that breakdown makes sense; “editor” is in my title, and “writer” is not.

At the risk of sounding mechanical, a lot of the writing I end up doing here these days is more functional than it is experimental or creative. I’m filling holes in our calendar. I’m filling gaps in our coverage. I’m helping out when we’re stuck in a traffic rut. I still get to do a lot of the writing I want to do. I want to write thousands of words every week about Yellowjackets when it’s airing. But I also don’t get to write a lot of the things I want to write, because I’m too busy doing the other parts of this job.

I might not, for example, get to write the essay I want to write about how Jennifer’s Body was, according to my memory, the first time I ever saw two girls kissing on screen and how that led not to an immediate appreciation of horror but rather to me deciding to never watch another “scary” movie again. And how I kept that personal ban intact for years — until I came out. And how the exact moment in my life when I embraced my queerness for real was also the exact moment I became a horror fan. I’ve been wanting to write this essay for years, and it’ll have to keep waiting.

Don’t feel bad for me, because I don’t even feel bad for me. Horror Is So Gay is in no way lacking just because I didn’t have the time or mental capacity to write this Jennifer’s Body essay. Every. Single. Piece. In. This. Series. Is. HAUNTING. And if you know me, you know that’s one of the highest compliments I can give. And I mean, we already published a preview of an exceptional Jennifer’s Body essay this month anyway! And I did get to write about Jennifer’s Body briefly in the list with Drew! Really, my point here is one I feel like we’re always making here at Autostraddle when we offer a peek behind the curtain into what it’s like to work here and edit packages like this: There’s never enough time. When I interviewed for this position, I asked the ~hiring committee~ — a.k.a. Laneia and Carmen — what the hardest part of working here is, and Carmen immediately said, “there aren’t enough hours in the day.” Like a gentle ghost, her words stayed with me.

It has been a very fucking busy month at Autostraddle. We had our annual virtual retreat for all our full-time employees to smash our heads together and plan for the future a little over a week ago. Then we immediately dove into our first fundraiser in a year. Both of these things were firsts for me in this job. Horror Is So Gay was a huge project of my October, but it was just one of several huge projects churning here at Autostraddle in October. Viv came up with the gorgeous, retro creature feature poster look for the Horror Is So Gay visuals and then had to pivot sharply to working on the fundraiser branding. (Viv also dealt with some very hilarious challenges, including finding femme-y monster images that were actually vicious/scary looking and not like beautified/softened.) Nico — for the first time ever — took on a writing project in the midst of planning a fundraiser, resulting in their out-of-this-world alien essay. How they found the time to do that, I do not know!!!!! But we’re all just doing what we can — and then doing more. All the time.

And you’re able to read this post, because you’re already invested in the work we’re doing as an A+ member. For that, I’m eternally grateful. If you can and want to extend the same access to someone who might not be able to afford it, consider donating to the A+ membership pool.

I may have killed my Horror Is So Gay essay, but much like Jennifer Check, that doesn’t mean it’s dead forever. I’ll write it one day, I’m certain. Probably for the sequel, Horror Is So Gay 2. I do love a sequel.

Horror Is So Gay is a series on queer and trans horror edited by Autostraddle Managing Editor Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya running throughout October.

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