Q:
Asexual lesbian with a nearly nonexistant sex drive here. All I hear is that the expected norm in lesbian relationships is hours and hours of sex at a time. PLEASE tell me this is true for only 9/10 non-ace lesbians (or less). I’m willing to compromise for a partner but sorry not sorry that I cannot imagine doing so for hours at a time as an adult with very limited free time who could probably only enjoy sex for a few minutes at the most before being bored to death (and inherently has no desire to have sex, it’d be a favor for a loved one). Considering the asexual spectrum dating pool is actually a kiddie pool, unless I can make it work with a non-ace I doubt I can ever find a partner… And yes I’ve heard and done it all when it comes to meeting ace spectrum women, there just aren’t enough out there.
A:
Hi, non-ace lesbian here, and I do not necessarily expect hours and hours of sex every time I have it. First of all, I’m busy! Second of all, there’s a time and place for a sex marathon, but it doesn’t have to be all the time and it doesn’t have to be the norm.
I think as with a lot of lesbian stereotypes and cliches, there’s some truth to it and also some myth to it. I think the commonly held mantra that lesbian sex is long and multi-orgasmic was born as a reaction to the reality that heterosexual sex often has a fixed start and end point that hinges entirely on the man’s pleasure, often satisfied swiftly. Since queer sex often decentralizes orgasm, the amount of “time” sex takes is more fluid.
And yes, some people love to go at it for very long amounts of time, but I do not think this is the norm across the board, just like how I’m pretty sure it isn’t actually the norm for the majority of lesbians to U-Haul with their partners. There’s a whole range of realities when it comes to lesbian dating and relationships, regardless of what the jokes and stereotypes reinforce.
So I wouldn’t get too worried about this, especially if you’re able to make your own expectations about sex and your asexuality clear upfront with a potential partner. Toys can make sex super…efficient. There are plenty of allosexual lesbians out there who enjoy or even prefer quickies. There are also plenty of allosexual lesbians with low sex drives, which I think we should also normalize! Talk to potential partners to see where they fall.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
Comments
As an allosexual but completely exhausted human with chronic illness and disability, can confirm: I do not want long sex! My solo sex is usually 2-5 minutes, tops (hello “efficient” toys). My nb partner prefers long sex, but will begin our sessions by asking for a time limit because they know my needs and desires will vary. When they really need longer engagement, I offer to watch rather than have my whole body involved. Compromise is out there!
Chronically ill/disabled with chronic fatigue and I completely agree with these replies. Spending hours and hours in bed would er… leave me unable to leave bed for even more hours and hours, and definitely not in a good way! Talk and compromise should be the foundation of any good relationship, and that includes sex drive. If it is particularly important to either you or a partner that is a compatibility issue no different from any major lifestyle difference. And there will definitely be people out there with different expectations, levels of sex drive, and levels of compromise. And if they expect anything that you are unwilling or unable to give then that’s on them, not you!
Grey ace lesbian here with a low sex drive and an allo wife with a high sex drive — we make it work!! We are, in fact, the lesbians who do marathon sex. Obviously everyone is different, but it turns out for me I can really enjoy being present and/or helping while she gets off, even if I don’t want to be touched at all. That said, this works cause we only fuck like that every few months, and we always schedule it so I have time to get myself in the correct headspace.
Wife does solo way way more, and sometimes I’ll join in if the elusive desire strikes. Also sometimes I’m like jfc why is this taking you so long you’re making the bed move, and I have to tap her shoulder and ask her to hurry up, which is awkward af! But at the end of the day we’re life partners, and that is so much more important than sex for us.
i love the comments on this! So many great pointers and diverse perspectives.
Me (afab nb/lesbian) and my partner (ftm trans) used to fuck like rabbits at the beginning of our relationship but as we age, learn to accommodate our neurodivergence’s, and our lives mature with us we’ve transitioned to 45min-1.5hours, 1-2 times a month. Sometimes it’s more, sometimes it’s less. On the days where we crave physical connection but lack the capacity, we stick to shorter, lower maintenance forms like giving each other head. The stress of being adults impacts our sex lives a lot, as i’m sure it does for others.
I met my first girlfriend when I was 20, and we stayed horizontal when we were home together. It was a regular fuck fest with us for a year or so then it leveled out to a more normal amount of time spent in bed.
I met my now wife when I was 38 and she was 23. She had only been out a short time and I had been single for about 2 years. When she would come over for a visit we would be naked within 5 minutes and would make love until time to sleep. There was snuggling and talking in between as well.
We have been together almost 23 years and still have an active sex life. It’s gone through phases over the years, but I got hormone replacement therapy a few years ago at 58 years old to fight against certain illnesses, and the positive side effect has been regaining that sex drive I had in my 20’s. It’s never really gone away for me. I have always had the sex drive of a teenage boy, thank god. I love sex, but casual sex with women doesn’t work for me. I tried picking up a stranger in the bar and taking her home, but it never worked for me. I love my wife with all of my heart and soul and only want to have sex with her. Even when I am alone and could imagine any of the women I find to be very attractive, (Rachel Weisz, Kate Winslet etc.) it doesn’t work until my wife is there in my mind.