I just feel like she’s going to be really judgmental!
Q:
Would it be weird to lie to my Mom about my girlfriend’s age until she gets to know her better?
I’m 25 and my girlfriend is 38. We’re super happy, no weirdness or anything, I pursued her haha. My Mom is 50 and pretty traditional. My father died when I was a teenager, before I came out, and my Mom didn’t react well to me coming out, asked if I had been molested or how I got this way. Now she accepts it, and was gracious towards my ex but not warm and excited (asking about marriage, kids, etc) how she is with my siblings’ partners.
I just feel like she’s going to be really judgmental of my girlfriend being (just a little bit!!!!!) closer to her age than my age, especially cos she clearly has ideas in her head somewhere about gays being perverted, and that we could maybe fudge a little until she gets to know her and how great she is.
Summer: Being queer often means lying to people who should be trustworthy to protect ourselves. Queerphobia necessitates dishonesty as a defense measure. I’m sure this isn’t the first time it’s happened to you and it probably won’t be the last.
For one, I don’t think that a 13 year age gap at 25 is particularly unusual. I think that’s the kind of age where people have spent enough time in adulthood to understand what they want and the ways people take advantage of us. For people who subscribe to a when-is-the-brain-developed approach, 25 is close enough to complete brain development for that argument’s sake.
As to the lie, my main thought is that lying and telling her about it later would only justify her mistrust of your partners. She already doesn’t trust your account of reality or your self-reliance (with questions about whether you were molested, etc.). If you lie to her now, there’s a chance you’d validate her prejudices and mistrust. Plus you’d have to work your way out of the lie.
It sounds like you’re hedging your bets on the idea that your girlfriend will make a good enough impression to justify the lie when it comes out later. I don’t think that’s beneficial to your relationship with your mother and it’s taking a bet on something that is unpredictable. At the end of the day, you have to weigh the risks and rewards for yourself and decide what’s best. Everyone’s threshold for comfort or safety before we resort to lying is different. I don’t think I’d do this in your situation, but I’m not you. You’re you.
Kayla: I think this ultimately comes down to your relationship with your mother. How close are you and how much do you typically share with her about your personal life? I wouldn’t blame you if you’re a little hesitant to open up about your personal life given her response to your coming out, but I’m glad that it sounds like there has been some growth there. I think if the instinct is to lie about your girlfriend’s age, there’s actually a deeper rooted issue here that has nothing to do with your girlfriend’s age at all. I would think about what your current boundaries are with your mom and whether you’re happy with them. If you’re worried about her being judgmental, that sounds like more of a her issue than a you issue. My honest advice is to be truthful about your girlfriend but also accept that your mother might not react well and let go of the idea that you can control how she’ll feel about any partners you have now or in the future.
Not trying to police language, but is she your actual “girlfriend”?
Q:
I saw the NYT answer a question from a lesbian asking if it’s fair to request friends not to use “girlfriend” for platonic relationships. The writer said it was unfair to police language. While I agree with not policing language, it’s already difficult to identify queer women, so I’d prefer “girlfriend” be reserved for romantic relationships, and depending on the person and situation, would consider discouraging the use of the word. What do you think? Can I Ask Straight Women to Stop Calling Their Pals ‘Girlfriends’?
Summer: I personally use girl friend to indicate something platonic, and girlfriend to indicate romance. I pronounce them in exactly the same way because I enjoy sowing discord and confusion.
But for real? I don’t think this is a big enough deal to concern me. All words are just weird symbols and icky mouth sounds that we attach meaning to. Sometimes the meanings change and people feel strongly about it. I definitely don’t think that queer people ‘own’ the term girlfriend or have any special stake in it above anybody else.
Words do have meaning that can be profoundly painful or important, sure. I can think of numerous examples of highly contentious words. But I also think it’s important to expend our energy on the topics that are important. You know, picking our battles. I just don’t think girlfriends and girl friends are that battlefield. When I’m unsure about what someone means, I ask them to clarify. Asking for clarification is an essential part of communication precisely because language is fluid and ever-evolving.
Drew: I’ve found that if I express faux confusion at the platonic use of girlfriend and act like I think the person is referring to a romantic partner, most straight people will get so flustered they won’t do it again. Is this the most admirable thoughtful approach? Maybe not! But if people are going to be so immersed in their heteronormativity, we should at least get to have fun with them.
Kayla: I support Drew’s approach tbh and am gonna try it out.
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I’ve started referring to my platonic guy friends as boyfriends, and it’s been hilarious to see the confusion. I also think that straight women calling their platonic friends girlfriends is annoying, but I have other hills to die on.
TBH I’ve heard straight women use “girl friend” much longer in my life than I’ve heard queer women use “girlfriend”. Mostly it’s been “partner”. I’m in my late 40s, when I’d hear women use that term as a child it was confusing til my late aunt used it, she was straight. I figured that’s just how women address their female friends. I hear it much less these days. It’s usually still older women than myself I ever hear use it. Some might argue as adults why are we still using “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” anyway.
I love Drew’s approach! The heteronormativity is gonna be there, might as well have some fun with it!