Letter From Your Editors

Hello red, yellow and green peppers!

Today we are giving you a very special gift: THE GIFT OF RESTING BITCH FACE:

As you can see, Heather is unable to rest her face bitchfully.

Heather: Laneia I tried to do some resting bitch face photos this weekend but stacy said I just looked like I was trying to pretend to be mad, but i did my best for you! for your birthday!
Rachel: I think it would be funny if the whole collage was RBFs and then heather was in there looking as naturally exuberant as she always does

So! A-Camp registration filled up in one day! I was in Los Angeles this past weekend working on A-Camp planning with Marni and Kristin, post-it notes and large breakfasts were involved. They’re making their final decisions about staff this week so I hope everybody feels anxious about that! This year I resolve to make it to Witch/Craft, this is important to me. We’ll have our campership post up very soon, gumshoes.

We’ve finally gotten caught up with bringing on our new writers, and once I get this tax nonsense done with I can finally return to focusing on editorial! This will include talking about Harry Potter. For now I’m gonna get THE INSIDER up so that I can finish these two other posts FOR YOU and answer five emails from Kristin and then find my brain parts in an old pot of vegetable soup and cram them back in via my ear-holes.

As you’re aware, I totally followed through on that promise that we had a special present for you and sent out hundreds of Gal Pal and Scissoring stickers to wonderful A+ members all over the world last week. Perhaps you’ve also enjoyed exclusive A+ situations including 22 Excerpts From Carmen’s Secret Tumblr (2012-2015), The Galentine’s Day Edition of the A+ Bee, meeting Autostraddle’s Most Eligible Bachelorettes and Some Answers to Some Things You’ve Been Asking Us #6.

Also check out the A+ Inbox LIVE! Podcast, in which you probably won’t find out why I got kicked out of Chorus. OR WILL YOU. Here’s how we felt right after that:

Rachel: that was fun! you are all fun and cute and i like talking to you!
Laneia: yes i feel ENLIVENED
Rachel: truly! i was in such a terrible mood before and now i feel capable of putting on pants
feel free to use that as a testimonial for this podcast
Laneia: i feel like i could make a lunch
i will i’ve c/p’d it
Heather: whew, i had to open the window! all that crying made it really hot in my recording fort!

Love,

Riese / Laneia / Rachel / Yvonne / Heather

---

Top 10 Most Popular Posts From January 2016

These posts were hella popular last month.

1. The “Carol” Oscars Snub: The Problem Isn’t Lesbians, It’s Misandry, by Heather Hogan
2. Rowan Blanchard Is Queer: 14-Year-Old “Girl Meets World” Actress Comes Out On Twitter, by Heather Hogan
3. 12 Presidential Candidates Who Dress Like Lesbians (Besides Hillary Clinton), by Riese Bernard
4. Amandla Stenberg Is Bisexual: 17-Year-Old Actress Comes Out Exquisitely On Teen Vogue Snapchat, by Riese Bernard
5. The Gay Community Recalls The Word “Girlfriend” To Describe Platonic Friendships, by Erin Sullivan
6. Our Bodies, Our Sex Toys: 6 Accessible Sex Toys, by Tovah
7. To Unicorns, From an Ex-Unicorn, by Chelsea Danger
8. Satellite of Love: Queer Horoscopes for January 2016, by Corrina
9. The Seven Stages of Watching “Carol,” by Erin Sullivan
10 Love, Non-Orgasmically: She’s Not Coming But We’re Still Here, by Anonymous

---

Nine Important Excerpts From Editorial Conversations

Laneia: Y’ALL NEW HAMPSHIRE
Heather: What is happening? I am scared to look.
GODDAMMIT
Laneia: Oh my lord I honestly feel faint?
Heather: I’m gonna need a second beer
Rachel: I don’t even know
I mean a lot of NH is pretty red! maybe it’s not as awful/surprising as it seems
Heather: Man and I know I wouldn’t make it past the first three minutes of the Hunger Games
if Trump gets elected I am so doomed
Rachel: Probably he won’t be! it’s still so far out! Anything could still happen! We could be hit by a meteor!
or just Donald Trump could be hit by a very small, very specific meteor
Heather: Definitely preferable
I mean, either of those things
“very specific meteor” !
Laneia: We would name it “Hero” and throw a wild monthly parade in its honor
Heather: I’ve always wanted a reason to throw a wild monthly parade!
Riese: Sara Harvey is talking like her face is attached to her skull with poster tape

---

Rachel: Guys I went out into the real world and THERE WAS A LESBIAN THERE
she couldn’t sell me an iphone but she wore a bowtie
Riese: What where
Heather: EXCUSE ME
Rachel: At the verizon store! Her name is Carly.
Riese: Ugh I hate it when lesbians can’t sell me a thing i need
one time a lesbian wouldn’t let me rent a car at Enterprise without a credit card, and I was like, come on though, you’re a lesbian!
Rachel: Is it weird if i go back to the Verizon store just to hang out with Carly
Riese: That sounds like a Verizon commercial rachel, like Carly is  your “Jake from State Farm”
Rachel: I know! Franklin has a crush on that one girl in all the AT&T commercials and I always made fun of him but welp, here I am

---

Laneia: Can I tell you what I’ve always wanted to do but have never done? Like since I can remember, since early childhood. I’ve always wanted to go under the water in a bubble bath and look up at the underside of the bubbles. But I’m too afraid that it’ll burn my eyes and also I don’t like being underwater. If anyone here has done this and would like to tell me how great it is or that I’m not missing anything, that would be great. I hope I work up the courage to look at the underside of a bubble bath before I die though.
Heather: Okay, well!
Laneia: My answer to the survey question made me think of this!
Heather: If you do it with just your bare eyes, it looks like nothing
like water and it burns
but if you do it with goggles, it actually does look like bubbles
Riese: I think it would burn
Laneia: Ok I’m going to get goggles and also a snorkle
Heather: Okay good idea, and you can get them at the dollar store
Riese: You should get one of those underwater disposable cameras they sold in the 90s
Laneia: YES
Riese: I always wanted one of those but also never went underwater really
because I couldn’t swim
and hated wearing bathing suits
so my mom was like “no” which i guess you know, makes sense
Laneia: I have an underwater film camera that I’ve never used. This would be a really good first time adventure for that camera and me
Your mom was nothing if not practical

---

Laneia: I just thought about something i would pitch for an A-camp workshop which is a hike but not a hike, a stroll, and no one has to talk if they don’t want to and at the end we have a snack and take RBF pictures of each other
Rachel: It should be called “The Laneia Stroll With Laneia”
Laneia: Megan wants to pitch “How to Not Starve at A-Camp: Making the Best of the Salad Bar or Everything Can Be a Sandwich”
Yvonne: Megan!
Rachel: What if we filmed a video of her doing that workshop during pre-camp and then played it as part of the opening night
Riese: I’m writing this down

---

Stef: LOVE IS A LIE EVERYTHING IS LIE
Riese: Astronaut ice cream is a lie???
Stef: EVERYTHING IS A LIE
Riese: I love astronaut ice cream
What is the lie exactly though
Do astronauts not eat it
Stef: I guess
It has never been in space for real
Riese: This is like when parents tell their kids that Santa isn’t real
Kike I don’t need to know that
Just let me eat my dehydrated ice cream i bought for $7 in the gift shop at the science museum in peace
Stef: Next you’ll tell me dippin dots aren’t from the future
Riese: SHUT UP
Stef: Shhhh it’s ok, everything is ok, astronauts eat entire ice cream sundaes up there
with dehydrated bananas and dehydrated chocolate fudge
Audrey: Where else would they be from???????
Riese: I have noticed the same products are sold to hikers
So really it should’ve been called “high-altitude ice cream”
Laneia: Space hikers?
Riese: Oh maybe it was for space hikers
Moon-crater hikers
Laneia: Ugh it used to be so quiet on the moon and now it’s just covered in hipster space hikers. The worst.
Riese: Hipster space hikers with their fake neopolitan ice cream
FROM THE PAST

---

Heather: Holy crap did y’all get this “pussy vortex” press release?
Yvonne: Ahh i dont think so
Laneia: !
Nope
Heather: I’m launching my first music video, The Pussy Vortex, on VDAY. Nah, VORTEX DAY. And yeh, it’s about exactly what it sounds like it’s about: getting lost in a sexual vortex despite logic telling you otherwise.
Laneia: …
Heather: I love to imagine Stacy’s reaction to someone saying something like “getting lost in a pussy vortex” to her
It makes me feel giddy

---

Rachel: Lena Waithe on Instagram:

“The boo surprised me with a trip to the happiest place On earth. #everydayisthe14th”

Laneia: Oh my GOD
Stef: The fucking airbrushed shirt
Laneia: Just imagine your life, Stef. You’re at Disneyland with Lena Waithe and your name’s on her shirt. You’re gonna hold hands on a roller coaster with Lena Waithe and later y’all are gonna get something good to eat. And your name’s gonna be on her SHIRT.
Stef: Lena Waithe bought me a frozen lemonade and we’re going on the Matterhorn!
Lena Waithe asked a stranger to take a picture of us with goofy!
Riese: You and Lena Waithe are actually going to wait in line at the rollercoaster hugging each other in that way couples do at Cedar Point that makes you kind of have to walk in a waddle
Stef: Lena Waithe and I get a drink at the Lost Boys Bar in Downtown Disney and discuss the problematic nature of that brer rabbit log flume
Laneia: I love that waddle
Stef: I wonder if Lena Waithe is the person i would get an airbrushed t shirt for
Laneia: Stef you need an airbrushed t-shirt with your own name on it first. You have to love yourself
Stef: Maybe that’s been the problem the whole time

---

Heather: Our recent shutterstock searches: “murder scene” “crime scene” “lesbian sex”
Yvonne: :heart:
Rachel: I am responsible for the creepy ones, SORRY EVERYONE
Heather: I’m responsible for the embarrassing ones like “woman sports fan” and “white puppy”
Rachel: “white puppy” is the best one
Heather: It was for the micro puppy

---

Meet A New Contributor!

Get to know some of our newest faces.

Lyn Muldrow, Staff Writer

Twitter: @lynmuldrow
Instagram: imlyntho
Facebook: lyn.muldrow

If you could only use one emoji for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Definitely the “100” emoji. It’s multipurpose — I try to keep it 100, and when someone says something super true, they’re keeping it 100 and deserve the red shoutout. Super useful for Slack, and quicker than saying “Yeah girl, I agree!”

What is your favorite kind of sandwich?
It would definitely have to be a fried egg on white toast with butter, with lettuce, tomato, onions, and ‘hots,’ a Baltimore-centric hot pepper spread.

Describe the worst date you’ve ever been on.
The worst date I’ve ever been on wasn’t actually a date, because I was stood up! I met her online- she was beautiful, masculine-of-center, and a mom like me. We talked for hours, we connected via phone, and made plans to spend a Saturday night together. I drove from Baltimore to DC to meet her, and when I got into town she called to say that she had something pressing and couldn’t make it, after confirming plans and chatting with me throughout my drive. The something pressing was a total excuse, so I drove back home and got drunk with my best friend. We had a magical time.

Who was your first woman celebrity crush?
My first crush was Aaliyah, the musician/actress. I had a poster in my room of her dressed in tomboy style, and felt something unfamiliar every time I looked at her. My fondness for her started my journey to self discovery.

What’s your favorite thing on the internet today?
The Blackest Moments in Obama’s run and the subsequent memes. I love seeing President Obama relating to others outside of his presidential routine. “If folks want to pop off,” had to be one of the funniest things I’ve heard in a long time!

What’s something you’ve been really proud of lately?
My journey as both a web developer and a writer. Two things I’ve always wanted to do, manifesting themselves in totally different but exciting ways. I’ve learned so much so far, and look forward to sharing stories and experiences with you all! Big hugs to my AS family for embracing me and helping me to grow as a writer.

Olga Lexell, Staff Writer

Twitter: @runolgarun
Instagram: asapolga

If you could only use one emoji for the rest of your life, what would it be?
the money flying away

What is your favorite kind of sandwich?
ahi tuna with guacamole

Describe the worst date you’ve ever been on.
someone who works in marketing who kept trying to guess personality things about me based on my gender/age/other demographic info and then proceeded to ask me how many people I’ve slept with (when I told them that was a weird thing to ask they told me I was boring)

Who was your first woman celebrity crush?
Winona Ryder

What’s your favorite thing on the internet today?
someone took the “ted cruz 2016” campaign logo and rearranged the letters and numbers to spell “2 true zodiac”

What’s something you’ve been really proud of lately?
how well I’ve coped with/healed from skiing into a tree last month

---

---

SOMETIMES SELF-CARE IS WRITING ABOUT MURDER

Riese: I want to do a column about lesbian murderers / crime stories but I somehow feel as though people might get mad at me if I do
like it would be making us look bad
drawing attention to bad stories
but also I’d want to talk about the media coverage
and how biased and fucked it always was
Heather: I think you could do it in a respectful way
and someone’s going to get mad no matter what. I think [redcated] taught us that.
and the woman who got mad about Erin’s witch remedies post because in case we didn’t know people have been dying all around the world for centuries
Riese: Wait hold the phone
People have been dying all around the world?
FOR CENTURIES?
Heather: I know. I was as shocked as you are.
and like not just in America, Riese.
people have been dying AROUND THE WORLD

…the next day…

Riese: On a scale of 1 to 10 do you think people would hate me for writing about Lesbian True Crime
Yvonne: I’m not sure, I really want to know aobut lesbian true crime
Heather: I think people would be fascinated about it, Riese. Everyone loves true crime shit!
Rachel: I think you have the skill to contextualize it really well Riese
Heather: Same, yes
Rachel: Like here’s why people are obsessed with true crime stuff, and as lesbians, here’s why we want to read about lesbian true crime specifically
Heather: And you know what else? You should write stuff you really WANT to write sometimes so you don’t get burnt out!
Riese: That’s true
Heather: Sometimes self-care means writing about murder
Riese: I would like to print that on a tea cozy
Heather: You can use that as the tagline for your memoir if you want
Riese: I will thank you.
Heather: :heart:
Riese: We started listening to the “My Favorite Murder” podcast as per Laneia’s suggestion
and now I am jealous of the podcasters
because I want to talk about murder too!
Heather: You should!
Rachel: Oohhh i’m gonna listen to that at the gym today
Riese: There’s this one really particularly crazy lesbian “love triangle” story from 1992 that is really intensely disturbing that I really want to start with
Heather: I think this will be something you enjoy researching and writing about, and it will challenge you too, because you’re going to — like Rachel said — have to find a unique way to contextualize it.
Riese: Okay I’m gonna buy this Aphrodite Jones book now then
For research

---

What We’ve Been Reading

Maddie: Racecraft: The Soul of Inequality in American Life by Barbara J. Fields and Karen E. Fields

Ana: My-Body-Is-Yours by Michael V. Smith

Carmen: The Edible Balcony: Growing Fresh Produce in Small Spaces

Carolyn: The Collected Stories of Lydia Davis by Lydia Davis

Alex: Alone on the Wall by Alex Honnold and David Roberts

Beth: The Scottish Islands by Hamish Haswell-Smith

Stef: Juliet Takes A Breath by Gabby Rivera

Mey: Juliet Takes A Breath by Gabby Rivera

Laura: Juliet Takes A Breath by Gabby Rivera

Rachel: Garments Against Women by Anne Boyer

Erin: The Casual Vacancy by J.K. Rowling

Heather: Fallout: Lois Lane by Gwenda Bond

Alaina: Juliet Takes a Breath by Gabby Rivera and Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow

Audrey: Nevada by Imogen Binnie

Aisha: The-Wedding-Dress by Fanny Howe

Nikki: Juliet Takes A Breath by Gabby Rivera

Robin: Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke

Carolyn W.: Revoutionary Mothering: Love on the Front Linesby Alexis Pauline Gumbs, China Martens, Mai’a Williams, Loretta J Ross and Year Of Yesby Shonda rHIMES

Cee: Juliet Takes A Breath by Gabby Rivera

Riese: Gold Fame Citrus by Clare Vaye Watkins

Laneia: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by JK Rowling

---

MINI-INTERVIEW WITH A SENIOR EDITOR: RIESE, Editor-in-Chief

What do you do in your job at Autostraddle?
Oh goodness. This is a long answer! There’s not a whole lot I’ve never done at Autostraddle. I’ve definitely never done CSS or opened InDesign though, I can tell you that. Anyhow, before something becomes somebody else’s job, it usually begins as mine, until I’m able to pass it off, whether that be writing all the news fixes, editing all posts, reviewing all the pitches, organizing A-Camp shuttles or putting together The Insider! I write 4-7 posts a week — that’s the main thing. Writing and editing. I handle 75% of all our business-and-logistics-related posts (about A+, merch, camp, etc.), guide our editorial direction and overall mission on the daily, sometimes edit individual posts, help decide who to hire, give feedback on pitches, handle all accounting, budgeting and payroll, oversee everything A-Camp related, develop merch and advertising ideas with Alex, write all site copy and handle all non-coding related website updates, have a lot of conference calls, make graphics & infographics, edit videos, track and analyze traffic, conduct surveys and analyze data, communicate with outside stakeholders (people who want to interview us, work with us, or vaguely consider giving us money, do our taxes), manage all our affiliate marketing accounts… This past month has been super hard ’cause there’s been so much accounting and A-Camp stuff to do that I barely have time to write anything besides my link-y posts (TIRTL, fixes), which leaves me feeling really empty inside. The days I feel best are the days where all I do is write and edit and conference with everybody in Slack, or when there’s a story I’m so excited to dig into.

What is your favorite part of this position?
Gosh, so much. I mean of course I love writing, and I love having a platform to write about whatever the fuck I want. I love working with such cool talented interesting people. I love knowing that we’ve done something to make some queermos feel better about themselves or more confident. I love being able to pay people to do what they love. So I guess my favorite part is nice comments and e-mail, in a way. I also really love facilitating personal and creative connections between people in the Autostraddle network — whether that be writers becoming friends, A-Camp cabins developing intense support systems, or two staff members collaborating creatively.

What is something your dream to bring to Autostraddle?
SO MANY THINGS. I guess one of them is to have sites-within-the-site for different demographic groups, like an entire vertical devoted entirely to QTPOCs with its own editor and staff, an Autostraddle International with its own editor and staff, a vertical for youngsters and a vertical for 40+ Straddlers. The content would all be part of Autostraddle’s mainsite as well, but each vertical would also have its own safe space and editorial independence.

What’s the hardest part?
The fact that there’s always more work to be done and not enough hours to do it is an overriding dark cloud over my life and relationships for sure. But mostly, not being able to pay people what they’re worth or afford things that we need.

Favorite online writer/editor / or like your hero?
Jane Pratt’s work with Sassy was an early influence. I’m really into Rebecca Solnit right now and always Joan Didion and Eileen Myles even if I don’t always agree with them. I love The Awl.

What do you wish people understood about your job?
I think so many wonderful people reach out to us offering assistance of some kind or other good intentions, and don’t realize that our work lives are already scheduled so tightly that engaging or facilitating this assistance is often more trouble than it’s worth, so to speak. And we can’t, really — in the past, I prioritized Autostraddle above everything else, and now I think we try to have more balanced lives and put our laptops away at night. So back then I had more space to just talk to our helpers about their lives and hopes and dreams, but not anymore, which makes the relationship just “do this for me” and when they’re not getting paid and there’s no time for anything else, it doesn’t feel right. BUT we appreciate the offers so much, and feel so blessed to receive them! And every now and then we’re able to take the help. :-) Really we just need people to send us money.

Favorite snack to eat while working?
String cheese, obviously! Also trail mix.

What would be the song that a montage of you doing your job would be set to?
“She works hard for her money”

---

SLACKERS

This month we asked our team which Slack theme they use and why. These are their answers!

“It’s like working inside a cloud, or maybe a snow drift. Maybe a pool filled with marshmallow fluff.”

“I believe this was the default option? I love dark purple and appreciated that whoever invented Slack felt the same way, because nobody has ever let me paint a room or buy a bedspread that cover. So this is my laptop-spread. You know?”

“It’s mysterious, quirky and reminiscent of an eggplant, just like me.”

“I like tweaking things to fit me best :)”

“Because I didn’t know I could change it (#newhere) but now I think I’ll switch to Hoth.”

“I used to use Aubergine, but it doesn’t wake you up like Monument. I like being woken up because usually I am half asleep and thinking about whether or not I should make coffee.”

“I honestly didn’t know you could change it.”

“it’s first/i’m unoriginal”

“Cause it looks like the current one and change is terrifying when I haven’t taken my medications.”

“I work in an open office layout where everyone can see my screen, and I feel like white on white is the option least likely to interest a coworker.”

“Because I wanted it to look like the Shire so I can pretend I’m working from inside my Hobbit hole and justify second breakfast.”

“I picked colours that match the WordPress dashboard because I am that person.”

“navy blue makes me feel like a Gap Dad.”

“it’s the closest to the autostraddle website colors and i like to stay on brand”

“it feels like the most calming color combination, and the name is very affirming”

---

Februarys Retro-Reading

Some posts from previous Februarys Riese thinks you might enjoy.

Get Baked With Autostraddle: Valentine’s Day Edition, by the team (2010) – Even though Valentine’s Day is over, there is still a very good chance that you like eating delicious things, and this post will help you make and consume said things. Includes Laura’s amazing Oreos which are gifts from G-d.

How to (Not) Dress For Success: Top Ten Fashions For Being Alone In Your Apartment, by Riese (2011) – Just me sitting over here in my yoga pants changing your life.

15 Boys We Have Loved (When They Looked Like Lesbians), by the team (2011) – Look, it was very confusing to reconcile our Jonathan Taylor Thomas feelings.

Ten Things I Wish I’d Known When I Started My Transition, by Annika Penelope (2013) – I believe this was Annika’s last piece for Autostraddle — and also one of her most memorable.

How to Cry At Work, by Lizz Rubin (2012) – Just Lizz sitting over there in her business pants changing your life.

---

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS NOISE

Mey: Ah! Have you seen [REDACTED NEW WEBSITE FOR LGB PEOPLE]!!!
[REDACTED NEW WEBSITE FOR LGB PEOPLE] is the new Autostraddle
Kaelyn: Oh good, it’s not about “vilifying Transgendered people”
[REDACTED NEW WEBSITE FOR LGB PEOPLE] is the new MRA
[REDACTED NEW WEBSITE FOR LGB PEOPLE] is the new TERF
Seriously, what the fuck is this noise
Audrey: Wow the subtext of “we are normal, everyday people” is really something. Also there are so many trans allies in that collage….
Kaelyn: I hope you submit something, Mey
Mey: Do you think they pay?
Kaelyn: Just LGB people probably
the “T” have to fight their own battles
Mey: Ooh burn
what if I lie and say i’m a cis lesbian?
Kaelyn: Well, you’re and L and a T
so that’s probably going to be confusing for them
WHOSE AGENDA ARE YOU WITH
Lemme just say that like 99% of bisexual people are not here for this BS
I assure you my bi/pan/omni/queer communities do not care to be lumped in with this, especially since it’s historically been LG voices and also because 9 out of 10 bi folks think trans misogyny is the worst
Heather: The idea that lesbian and bisexual women have more in common with gay men than with trans women is so bewildering to me
Like what exactly? Name one thing.
Mey: Well, like, some lesbian women (like me) have penises like some gay men
maybe I should hang out with gay men instead of you chumps
Heather: No! I would be so mad if you suddenly got a gay man best friend! I would be so jealous! I would do so many subtweets!
Mey: Too bad, I’m becoming cis and quitting Autostraddle to work for [REDACTED NEW WEBSITE FOR LGB PEOPLE]
Heather: God and if he was a Hufflepuff I would chew off my own hand
Mey: I’m cis now, y’all need to hire a new Trans Editor
or you could do like [REDACTED OTHER WEBSITE] and have a cis person write most of your trans stuff
Heather: What a terrible day!
You never used to talk like this before you had an eel penpal
Mey: I can’t talk, I’m gonna go get my period and then give birth to a baby
Heather: Demi jr.
Mey: Little Demita
Demitrita?
Heather: Demitrita Valdivia Minerva Rude-Lovato
Mey: I love my newborn baby daughter that I gave birth to through my cisgender vagina
Heather: I can’t wait to read your essay about it on [REDACTED NEW WEBSITE FOR LGB PEOPLE] !
Mey: Ooh, well, trans allies aren’t really allowed either, sorry
Heather: Maybe someone will post it on tumblr
Stef: I was actually just gonna rewrite it and post it on [REDACTED OTHER WEBSITE].
Mey: Huffpost already asked if they could repost it, and they pay a lot, so I said yes
Heather: Congratulations on your millions and your new baby!
Mey: I am a very proud, rich and cisgender woman
Kaelyn: Oh my, I leave for 30 minutes and your whole life has changed, Mey
Stef: One eel can change your whole life
Kaelyn: I hope you and Demi are very happy living your totally normal and healthy and cisgender lesbian life together with your beautiful daughter
Mey: Kaelyn, if you need any advice on pregnancy stuff, I just went through it, so I’m an expert now
Kaelyn: Wow yeah I want to know how to do it in 1/2 an hour
That would vastly improve my life
Do I need an eel penpal?
Mey: The eel really helps
Kaelyn: I’m so mad you beat me to writing about my vaginal birth for [REDACTED WEBSITE FOR LGB PEOPLE]
What’s my pitch going to be now?
Stef: “We did it without an eel”
Mey: I liked it better when it said “i’m so man” bc I was gonna accuse you of being trans
Kaelyn: Well maybe I should be since you’re cis now
and I can go write for [YET ANOTHER REDACTED WEBSITE]
I can be their trans (man) editor
Mey: Yes, this is a great plan
wow AS is losing writers left and right today
Laneia: Damn
I made dinner and our entire website fell apart
Stef: What did you make?
Mey: I made a baby
Laneia: Yeah I just made shrimp linguine so, not nearly as impressive as Mey not only making a baby but also entering into a lifelong relationship with Demi Lovato
But! Still kinda relevant to the conversation bc sea life
Stef: Sorry I wanted to reward both of you for your accomplishments
Kaelyn: Mey, I’ve been meaning to tell you that my due date is Demi Lovato’s birthday
though the chance of actually having your birth on the due date is like 5% or something
but I thought of you
Mey: Really?????
Kaelyn: Yup, your wife and the mother of your child will be 24 when little T-rex is supposed to pop out
so they better not fuck it up
Mey: I’m so proud of you!
Stef: D-rex
Laneia: Omg
Erin: “I am a very proud, rich, and cisgender woman” ​*i float into space with an outstretched hand*​

---

ALUMNI NEWSLETTER

Lily Icangelo, Intern/Contributing Writer/Lily’s College Lesbianage, 2009-2012

What are you doing without us?
I don’t even know! But for real, I’ve been spending the last couple of years after college just trying to figure life out. Coming to terms with growing up. Figuring out what exactly my goals are and how the hell I’m going to accomplish them. Trying to not be mad at myself for not making much obvious progress/for feeling lost more than half of the time. Taking acting classes to cure the feelings of dread and nausea I used to have every time I had to speak in front of a group of people. Realizing that I actually like to act and am not as terrible at it as I had previously assumed. Laughing at the fact that now I want to be an actress in addition to writer/producer/general sort-of-funny person. Because those are all easy, stable careers! Taking care of children in order to make enough money to live in New York City. Living in Brooklyn with my younger brother (best decision ever). Spending multiple hours a day on dog adoption websites, torturing myself because I know I can’t adopt one right now. Writing while on the subway because for some reason I write best when riding it even though it makes me incredibly motion sick. Thinking about going to law school for all the wrong reasons (money, to be interviewed on crime tv shows, to have my own crime tv show, How To Get Away With Murder). Being sad that my friends keep moving out of New York City. Figuring out how the hell to make new friends who are over the age of 12–the age of the current girl I nanny, aka basically my best friend even though she would definitely deny that friendship and probably call it “sad”. Watching too much TV.

What do you miss the most about us?
Everything and everyone! The Autostraddle community is amazing and responsible for so much if my growth and happiness as a young adult. Without Autostraddle I truly don’t know where I would be today but I’m certain my path in life would have been a lot less exciting and definitely not as fulfilling.

Would you invite us to your wedding, yes or no?
DUH! You’ll all be my brides-people! For all of my weddings! Because you never know, mistakes happen and I’m not perfect. Preparing for the worst! No expectations! Never be disappointed! (This is the opposite of The Secret, I’m pretty sure.)

---

Ex Collage

For some reason, we thought it’d be really funny for Valentine’s Day on A+ if we made a collage that was entirely pictures of us with our exes. The funniER part would be that we’d cover all the exes’ faces with black boxes, emojis, pictures, etc.

Unfortunately not enough team members were game for this task for some reason, so we couldn’t do it as a standalone post. However, I was able to use the submissions we did get, along with pics from Ex Interviews and the prom gallery and pictures of my own exes (I have a long list of ex-lovers, they’ll tell you I’m insane) to put together a moderately amusing collage! ENJOY!

---

Five Posts Rachel Can’t Believe You Motherf*ckers Didn’t Read Last Month

How Did South Dakota Become A Living Nightmare for Transgender Kids?, by Mey

What’s happening in South Dakota’s legislature right now is deeply horrifying, and Mey has done some really exemplary journalism here regarding it — this piece uncovers the names and faces behind the movement to hurt trans kids and what their motivations are, points towards resources and actions you can take to help make a difference, and is also very powerful and moving. If you haven’t read it you just need to, full stop.

The 5 Kinds of Women and Girls in Presidential Campaign Ads, by Carmen

Granted I’m a sucker for anything that dissects political rhetoric, but I also think this deep dive into how political campaigns have constructed the image of the female voter would be fascinating for anyone who’s unable to escape the clutches of the American election cycle, which unfortunately is pretty much everyone ever! But this article isn’t unfortunate, it’s great and made me smarter for having read it, go check it out!

My Trans Body as a State of Desire, by Colette

This sounds maybe cynical, but bear with me: I’ve been editing things for your eyeballs for five years now, and at this point editing has become part of my involuntary nervous system; it works without me even telling it to, like blinking or sweating. I rarely read anything ever, even in other publications, without hearing an edit voice in my head commenting on how many semicolons are used or whether a conclusion really holds together. But! i just think the writing in this essay is so clear and strong and beautiful that when I opened it to edit before publishing, I just read it once straight through and was able to totally forget for a moment about sentence structure or SEO (before obviously I went back through and did in fact think about all that stuff because it’s my job). Give yourself the gift of reading this! It’s lovely!

Long Live Zoe Quinn, the Nerd Hero We Deserve, by Ali

I’ve only been paying the minimum of attention to Garblergate stuff because while I know it’s very important it’s also hard for me to watch; it’s been like half-watching a horror movie and staring at the floor every time scary music starts because you’re too afraid to look. But I did read this piece about Zoe Quinn’s decision to drop the charges against the harasser who began this whole awful nightmare, and it made me think about a lot of things and I think you’ll be glad you read it!

New Girl Joins the Exciting Trend of Meaningful Sexual Fluidity on TV, by Kayla

I basically only watch GBBO and serial killer shows on TV now because trying to keep up with anything more stresses me out, and so I am very grateful for articles like this where Kayla kept me abreast (lol) of important Sexual Orientation Happenings on television that I otherwise would not know about! I think you will also be pleased to know about this and read words about it!

---

Maddie’s Pick of the Month: Living Your Great British Bake-Off Life

I started watching the GBBO because Heather Hogan recommended it, and most things that Heather recommends are great ideas. Not only has it been the as-promised anxiety reducer, for me it does roughly the equivalent of what a sleep-inducing narcotic would. If I am sitting anywhere besides an uncomfortable chair, I will fall asleep while watching the GBBO. Not because it’s boring, but because the vibes of kind people encouraging each other, in friendly competition to make soft sponges and saucy puddings, are so very calming.

Also, the GBBO is great to watch in a group: there’s nothing like a bunch of Americans watching cute British people together. How many times will someone imitate a British accent or colloquialism (I’m just going to bang it in the oven!) during a group viewing of an episode? If it’s fewer than ten, I’m surprised and a little disappointed for you.

I’ve seen three seasons of the GBBO. There are three more. I’ve obviously seen the one on Netflix (#teamMartha), and I paid $5 to become a member of my local PBS affiliate in order to stream another. The third was obtained through magical avenues of the Internet that Chloe found when I was in Switzerland. That one included lessons on the history of scones and biscuits, and a lot more shots of Sue Perkins randomly walking in fields. I have tried to find other magical avenues for the remaining three seasons, but they are shockingly difficult to track down! If you live in the UK, you can download them through Amazon, but when I tried to go that route it wouldn’t let me because I don’t have a British credit card.

There are quite a lot of books related to the GBBO via Amazon, and if I told you I wasn’t tempted by How to Avoid a Soggy Bottom: And Other Secrets to Achieving a Good Bake, I’d just be lying.

But the most incredible feat of the GBBO is that it’s inspired me to bake. Reality TV has never inspired me to do anything except impulsively watch another episode or immediately turn it off to go cleanse my brain. The GBBO, however, has motivated me to become a dedicated producer of English Muffins! Full post about them coming soon to an Autostraddle near you.

---

Social Media Spotlight

For our Autostraddle Book Club, Gabby Rivera did a Twitter Q&A for her debut novel, the Juliet Takes a Breath. Here are some of our favorite tweets from the event!

I've been looking through my annotated copy of Juliet Takes a Breath for tonight's #ASBookClub pic.twitter.com/i8Fb0gvbPY

— Mey “is this real” Rude (@meyrude) February 19, 2016

. @queertejana my brother is reading it now. he FB'ed me like "I love that Lil Melvin character, btw. Really feels familiar to me."

— Gabby Rivera (@QuirkyRican) February 19, 2016

. @queertejana my mom got deep. said it made her think abt issues she had w my grandma & she was sad to have ever caused me pain. #moms

— Gabby Rivera (@QuirkyRican) February 19, 2016

. @L___M___ drink more water, write, jump on the trampoline w @ariel_gore 's toddler, and write and then make her read it all

— Gabby Rivera (@QuirkyRican) February 19, 2016

. @angie0705 hell yeah. 20 yr old Gabby was fly but hella lost & sad. 30 yr old Gabby is a round brown loverboi w mad love to give all over

— Gabby Rivera (@QuirkyRican) February 19, 2016

. @meyrude @laurrrrita says Juliet is mostly Hufflepuff w a touch of Ravenclaw. I am dyingg. Ava is Gryffindor + Slytherin. I agree.

— Gabby Rivera (@QuirkyRican) February 19, 2016

. @meyrude Lil Melvin is in Luna Lovegood's house. Harlowe is a Ravenclaw according to @laurrrrita

— Gabby Rivera (@QuirkyRican) February 19, 2016

. @meyrude Maxine is like Professor McGonagall but like at Black Womanist Hogwarts & she's recruiting Ava & Zaira btw

— Gabby Rivera (@QuirkyRican) February 19, 2016

https://twitter.com/djuanTRENT/status/700519341951946753

---

We Can’t All Be Rachel

Laneia: I hope [person] isn’t totally annoyed and offended by how blunt I’m being in this feedback! I should sign all my feedback emails with
We can’t all be Rachel,
Laneia
Riese: I like that sign-off
Heather: Hahaha! “we can’t all be Rachel”
it’s so true!
Riese: Rachel gives the kindest feedback
Rachel: If we had an office i would buy us one of those wall art signs that say “I can only please one person a day and today isn’t your day”
and we could send photos of it in emails
Riese: My mom had one that said “I have one nerve left and you’re on it”
She was very fond of it
Rachel: Jealous
Yvonne: I strive to be Rachel every day
Laneia: My mom had that sign Rachel!
Rachel: Aw guys! You are very kind on a day when I want to leave several people out on a deserted hillside for wolves to eat
Yvonne: WWRD
Riese: When I want to be blunt with my feedback i think WWYD
‘Yvonne would just be honest and tell the writer what she thinks without coating it in nonsense words, that’s what i should do’
Yvonne: omg :heart:
Heather: that’s true too!
Riese: You do! You’re like “listen.”
Yvonne: I want to be blunt and honest all the time but i feel i shouldn’t
Riese: I feel like i often just sound incredulous
Laneia: Yesss that is very true and it’s so perfect yvonne
Heather: I would rewrite it and resent the writer :)
but I’m working on it
Riese: I do that all the time, then worry the writer will get mad at me
or else that they’ll be quoted somewhere and the quote will actually be something I wrote and then I’ll feel weird
Laneia: !
Rachel: We should make a personality quiz based on feedback styles
Riese: I feel like in my life as a writer, blunt feedback has always served me well
Laneia: Rachel I hope that quiz includes a question about what time you start drinking wine
Riese: sometimes though I start out with “I’m gonna just be frank b/c it’s faster that way, I’m trying to help you” when I know I’m not doing the niceities
although i suppose that works better with a staff writer we are molding
than a freelancer we are feedbacking
Laneia: Oh that’s better than my idea which was “I don’t have a lot of time for your edits because I stared at someone’s crayon drawings for three hours this morning and I am going to cry soon. This might be blunt.”
Riese: I would like that
I would think about you with the crayons and think “she’s just a person! just a person doing her job”
and then I would take your feedback into my heart like a graham cracker on a napkin
Laneia: this [article] had better be amazing
We better choke on how amazing it is. I want to pass out from it.
Riese: I hope it makes me miss the stomach flu
Laneia: I SCREAMED

---

XOXO Team Autostraddle