Artwork by Viv Le

Welcome to Anonymous Job Confessions where writers peel back the curtain from their day jobs. This is a space for talking about bad (or misguided) bosses, cringeworthy clients or customers, out of touch board members and more. We’re speaking on work crushes, failure, pettiness, success against all odds (and also redefining success because we’re queer and we can do that), doing something not because you are passionate about it but because groceries don’t buy themselves and all things surviving in late-stage capitalism. Honestly, if there’s a perfect thing to read when you’re on your break, this might be it.

Just a few days before my 35th birthday, I started my first ever “corporate” job. Before this, I’d worked exclusively in the education and non-profit sectors – if you don’t count the many part-time jobs over the years in retail, food service, freelancing, the “gig” economy, and the … informal sector.

I’ve always watched media set in typical “office” workplaces – like Office Space, Parks & Recreation, or The Office – with skepticism. How representative could they really be of reality? There’s no way people are that dysfunctional or petty, or take things so seriously. With all of the drama and infighting and off-task behavior, how do any of these businesses actually turn a profit? Well, it turns out these shows are much closer to reality than I could have ever imagined.

First, it boggles my mind how ineffectively everyone communicates. Of course, remote work is difficult for a lot of companies, but this is a global corporation, so phone and video conferences have been happening forever – and we’re three years into the pandemic. That’s enough time to figure out that Microsoft Teams is a terrible piece of software for communication except perhaps in extremely limited circumstances. It’s enough time to learn that the best way to share documents isn’t to email some of them around to multiple people, upload some to one cloud hosting service, some to another, some to still yet another service, and some nowhere.

But even more importantly, a workplace is, in my opinion, not a place to take things personally. But everyone takes everything personally. In just a few months, I’ve learned who at my company hates who, who is bitter and jealous of who, and who disagrees with the company’s direction. And I didn’t learn about this strife only because I was told about it directly by multiple people, but also because involved parties communicate with each other with palpable acerbity during meetings. I’ve seen “as per my last email” memes online, but didn’t know it was possible to remind someone that the question they’re asking in an all-hands meeting was already answered in the last meeting, and have it sound like “Fuck You.”

Also hilariously disconcerting to me is how nobody seems to understand what “collaboration” means. Directors seem to think it means putting their entire team in a 30-minute meeting, instructing them to collaborate on a major project, giving no guidance or support to keep conversations on task, then getting upset when the final outcome isn’t what they expected – or taking credit when it is. Collaboration requires process! Tasks have to be distributed. Deadlines have to be set. It requires leadership and decision-making. I thought all of this was … obvious? Apparently, it isn’t.

Finally, the biggest trip is that I get paid far more than I ever have in the past to do far less. I make nearly three times what I made when I was a high school teacher at a Title 1 school, when I regularly worked 10 hour days, was on my feet all day, and graded assignments every weekend. I make far more than I made at my most recent non-profit job, back when I regularly worked 50-hour weeks and managed six people and had to discipline adults and do hiring and firing and long-term strategy and be in Zoom meetings for 15-20 hours a week.

And of course, I made $2.86 an hour plus tips as a waitress, around $9 an hour as a barista, and slightly more as a delivery driver or gig worker. Those jobs were difficult and thankless, and I didn’t even have the benefit of feeling like I was contributing positively to society. For most of my adult life, I’ve simultaneously held at least three jobs. Now I make more money doing one. And it’s easier! I sit at a desk all day!

Even better: I can honestly say that I don’t give a shit if my current company sells more of our products. When I was working with youth or for social justice, the harder I worked, the more I contributed to the movement, so I was willing to burn myself out being dedicated and hardworking over some vague sense that it was worth it. Now, in the grand scheme of things my work doesn’t matter. If I don’t do my best, who cares? Some young person’s future isn’t hanging in the balance. I’m not going to stress myself out over whether we hit our quarterly profit projections. There’s so much less pressure!

I’ve worked remotely for over six years, but for the first time in my life, I turn off my work computer at 5pm every day, and when I’m done on Friday I don’t turn it back on until Monday morning at 9am. I am largely autonomous and don’t get micromanaged. I can take breaks and take my time. For the first time, I have boundaries. I feel like my time and effort are truly respected.

I have an easier job, more time, energy, and leisure, I don’t have vicarious trauma or burnout from education or movement work, and I get paid more. Make that make sense! Capitalism is so fucked.

For too long, I was caught up in the idea that I had to have a “meaningful” job in order to have a meaningful life. I currently struggle mightily with guilt. But I also think the idea that it’s required for any person of a marginalized group to do “movement” work is a scam that keeps too many of us overworked and underpaid. Both because I’m a trans woman of color, and experiencing some leisure is actually a radical act, but also because it’s not in our community’s best interest for me to ruin my mental health by burning myself out.

We’ve all got to sell our labor in order to afford the necessities of life, and I long ago gave up judging others for how they figure out how to do this. I’m working through releasing judgment of myself for the same. This glimpse into how dysfunctional, yet fairly or even overly paid, workplaces like my current one are reminds me that none of this is logical, that I’m just a being trying to get through this one precious life I get, and that where I currently find myself is a blessing that I’m going to do my best to make the most of.

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