It’s our 12th Birthday and we are CELEBRATING the heck out of the last of our tween years with quizzes, advice to our tween selves and an A+ AMA!

So, in honor of 12 years of Autostraddle and this bastion of queerness on the internet, we asked you, A+ members, what would you tell your tween self if you could?

Also you all made me cry real tears while putting this together. Thank you for your vulnerability. Reader, buckle up!

Anonymous / whatever / Northern Arizona

Don’t dye your hair black because a girl you like says it would look good.

You are going to feel an immense amount of pressure to choose between living a life that feels authentic to you and living a life that others accept and celebrate. You will choose your authentic experience, and while that is the best choice it’s also the hardest. Your mom loves you, that’s why she is scared for you. I am sorry she doesn’t have the same courage you do; I am sorry she doesn’t encourage you to grow. She was taught to be small, she was taught to silence her own voice, she was taught how to exist in the world without bringing too much harm on herself. She is trying to protect you, though her actions may be misguided. Live for yourself, seek out achievements that excite you– don’t just do things because you’re hoping that it’ll “”make up”” for your queerness. Graduating high school with a year’s worth of college credit won’t make your mother okay with you wearing men’s pants, no matter how many years you try this plan. So live the life you want to live, you will never be straight and therefore never live up to the standards you think have been set for you. Just go cut your hair off without anyone knowing. You are not obligated to remain miserable to keep your family appeased.

I know it’s really confusing how you’re shaving your legs now but also don’t want anyone to know you’re shaving your legs so you’re wearing jeans in July in Phoenix. I know “lesbian” doesn’t feel quite right. You are a soul in a body having a human experience. You will gain the language to understand what that means in a few years. One day your hair will be short and you will recognize yourself in the mirror for the first time, and you will be surrounded by people who think you look hot. Because you do when you finally feel like you.

Ar / she / North BC, Canada

a) You think you are the laziest, most broken person on the planet, and that you are doomed to be a failure because unlike everyone else you can’t try hard enough to be better. This is not true, you have ADHD and it’s going to be another 11 years before you figure that out. on a similar note, it is not your fault that the weird expensive essential oils the naturopath gave you don’t work: you need ritalin and counselling.

b) sometime this year you are going to steal your first pack of cigarettes from *redacted*’s mom: please don’t ? you will like them far too much and also will feel bad forever for stealing.

c) for the love of god stop printing out poorly written lesbian erotica at school and hiding it in your room. i know you have no internet access but your mom WILL find it while investigating the source of the mould smell (orange peel stash) while you’re at jesus camp, and the resulting conversation will be supportive but also scar you forever.

MARISSA / she / Atlanta, Georgia

Go to therapy and be honest!!

Anonymous / NYC

When your frenemy/future first kiss and situationship leaves anonymous flame comments on your lord of the rings fanfiction, DO NOT STOP WRITING LORD OF THE RINGS FANFICTION. you probably would have figured out your gender identity 10 years earlier

Anna / she / Pittsburgh, PA

Trust yourself- your feelings are real and valid, your thoughts are valuable, and your dreams are beautiful. No matter what happens, your passion will carry you through.

Karola / they ᛫ she / Sweden

Your mother is abusing you. There’s a reason you are scared. Just survive a couple of more years and get out as soon as you can. You can trust Sara, spend as much time as possible at her house.

Anonymous / they / Seattle, WA

You’re not responsible for anyone’s feelings or happiness but your own – including your parents, and it’s okay if your choices and interests don’t make them happy.

And you’re right, that Sunday school song was bullshit:There are options beyond boy or girl (there are also options beyond getting married and having kids or getting martyred as a missionary just FYI)

Oh, and you don’t have to pretend to be a boy in an RPG to kiss girls – you can just do that IRL! And in a few years when this thing called google comes along – look up “non-binary”.

You’re gonna be okay, promise.

Anonymous / Boston

First off, Autostraddle WOULD be a Pisces. Second, I would advise my tween self that everything you are right now is pretty perfect and you’ll spend ten+ years slowly finding your way back to who you are, so be nice to yourself! Also I am so sorry about how your mom is going to handle you being gay – it is not your fault and you are lovable. Please find an adult mentor that you can talk to about things so you don’t feel so alone.

Mhyrr Na / she / Vienna

Alright so here we are, today, freshly 24, this is what I would tell my 12 year old self. “It’s not supposed to be this hard” like, baby, it’s really not supposed to be this hard. You’re not supposed to struggle so much through uni, you’re not supposed to be so overwhelmed that you can’t talk anymore. Your emotions aren’t supposed to take you on such a roller coaster. You’re not supposed to get so nervous you can’t eat properly for weeks without asking for help. You’re not supposed to try so hard. It’s not supposed to feel this bad.

This mainly comes from the realisation that I am on the autism spectrum (at 22) after almost dropping out of uni after burn out. And all this time, no one really took my difficulties seriously and I was mostly told it was “normal”. Except it’s not. It’s not supposed to be so difficult all the time.

That’s not to say that things are easy for other people. But if I had known that it wasn’t supposed to be so hard, I would have asked for some help much sooner. I would have fought much sooner. I would have given up on some things much sooner… It took me 24 years to realise this (which I guess is a pretty short time actually). Anyway, now I feel much more comfortable getting the care and support I need. Because I know it’s not supposed to feel so hard.

I sort of have more advice but it’s a bit older. But it felt right to put this down too.
About two years or so ago, (idk it was before Covid), my friend and I sat down and wrote 6 tips to our own 12 year old selves. And then we each turned these into a zine for each other. So I’ve just picked up that zine that had been sitting in my wallet for all this time and contains these “letters to my 12 year old self” that I wrote for myself and that my friend illustrated:

“Feelings aren’t wrong, but only some are trustworthy.”
“Nothing is black and white, things are fluid.”
“Your expression isn’t on a scale, there is no one right way to be.”
“No one else is in your head, you make the rules.”
“You are your own home.”
And most importantly: “You deserve so much more than you ever imagined.”

Anonymous / she / St. Paul, MN

Hello, my younger self,

I want to start out the advice train by saying: trust other people. Your parents love you. Your friends will support you. You have an amazing life in the future. Appreciate where you’re at right now, too. There’s such a thing as being too eager to grow up. Anyway, onto the more concrete advice.

1. The fact that you keep dreaming (and hoping and wishing) that you wake up as a girl isn’t because you’re concerned about the cost of those voice therapy sessions, designed (in part) to help your voice deepen. It’s because you are a girl, just a trans one. I know that’s scary to think about, but remember the part about having a great life? Yeah, I came out a while back, and everyone around me sees me as a woman.

2. The fact that you’re classmates are noticing your transness and think you’re gay? Well, you are, just not the way they think. They’re also assholes. Don’t listen to them. Being gay rocks.

3. Especially don’t listen to anyone who says they’re your friend yet makes you feel terrible. Friends don’t do that. You deserve so much better, and you know it.

4. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Take the weight of the world off your shoulders for a bit. Also, the fact that you get distracted and are forgetful and fidget a lot and many other things? Yeah, that might be ADHD (I’m not sure, but worth checking into).

5. Keep your options open.

6. Loosen up a little.

7. Be proud of yourself. You’ll do a lot between then and now. And much more after, I’m sure. Hug Finster for me.

Oliva / she / NC

You know how you wish you could be a boy so you could like girls? You’re actually allowed to like girls as a girl too. I know you’re scared and frustrated, but a lot of people really do want to be your friend. Cut your hair and go say hello.

Caitlin / she

You don’t have to try and try and try to be feminine. Forget the dresses and the long hair and the makeup that lasts for an hour or two at most, just dress in what’s comfortable. Also when [name redacted] invites you to her birthday sleepover even though you aren’t friends it IS a trap and you WILL get icing smeared in your hair when you sleep. Skip it and be happy.

Francesca / she / London, UK

There’s a reason you’ve been fascinated with women your entire life and you feel panicked every time yet another one of your friends mentions a crush on a boy: you’re super queer! And low-key asexual! You won’t be interested in dating until well into university, and you won’t actually get to do it until well after that, but it’s okay. There is no rush. Sex and relationships aren’t a metric of maturity or a life well lived. Having said that, when your hottest lesbian friend gives you a lingering hug when you’re 17 and sighs, “If only you were gay,” don’t just awkwardly laugh it off and run away and then regret it for fifteen years afterwards!!!

aj / Midwest

You know how bad you want a Best Friend? The word you’re looking for is “girlfriend.” You want a girlfriend.

Also, don’t worry so much about growing beyond things. Every time you move on, it’s to something better.

Anonymous / she ᛫ they / NYC

You are doing so much right. If you keep studying and working hard, you really are going to get out of there.

But first, you’re going to get caught. And as scary as that is, it actually won’t be that bad. What you’re doing is OK and normal. It’s normal to have a girlfriend at your age, and you are so lucky to have love. It’s normal to be gay. Actually, a lot of your teachers think it’s OK, too. It’s just the mean ones who are in charge that don’t, but you don’t have to listen to them about anything besides your classes.

I know it’s scary, but you need to get on LiveJournal and search for the word bisexual and make more friends who post about it. Don’t believe everything you see in the news; talk to real people. Keep building your community.

Also, FF.net is going to delete all the NC-17 fics, so you should probably bump that multichapter AU down to an R rating. It’s more accurate anyway, and you really don’t need to be such a … wait, you don’t know what “edgelord” means, never mind.

…also your mom is going to find that account, so on second thought, maybe go ahead and delete it anyway. But keep a copy. And never stop writing!

Taylor / she / Charlottesville, VA

Don’t be ashamed that Kate Winslet’s boobs were your favorite part of Titanic.

Alyssa / she / Atlanta

Hey you, you’re twelve, congrats! Guess what? When you grow up, you get to like girls, just like you always wanted. That right! You don’t have to have a husband. And you’ll be able to get married and have a wife, just like you always dreamed! That’s probably hard to believe, but you’ll become very brave. Don’t worry too much about the details right now. The important part is you’re happy and not scared any more. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, so do yourself a favor and relax a bit. Also, don’t join the boys soccer team in 9th grade, it won’t be worth it. You’re gonna do great, kiddo. Just breathe, you’ll be alright.

Jany / she / France

Physical activity. It’s so good for your body and your mood. No, really! There’s a bit of a learning curve (or a getting-used-to-it curve) when you’re not very active, but you can overcome the initial unpleasantness if you pick an activity you like. For instance, you don’t know it yet, but dancing is going to become one of the best things in your life. PE class may be hell, but moving around in other ways – going for long walks or for a swim, dancing solo or with a partner… – can feel so good AND do good to your body. There is a reason why adults want you to go outside and get moving.

scout / they / Arizona

It’s okay to feel weird. All the people who seem to have it figured out around you are also feeling weird, just in their own ways. You are so much stronger than you think you are. You don’t need to hide yourself under 3 t-shirts and a polo, you just need to find people you can trust and talk to honestly about the jumble of emotions and dysphoria in your head. Some adults will try to tell you to be different. The great ones will help you find a path to being comfortable in your own skin. Be patient; with yourself, with your friends, with the people trying to help you out. But in that patience, don’t put up with bullshit; if your ‘friends’ are doing things that make you feel shitty about being yourself, move on. You’ll make better friends down the road and they don’t need to take up space in your life. It sounds like a bad line from a cheesy movie, but find a path towards being kind to and loving yourself…it makes the rest of this whole navigating life thing so much easier.

Anonymous / they / London, UK

I don’t know what to tell you, except that this will all make a lot more sense later. I don’t think you or the kids around you really understand the class, gender and cultural differences that are making your life difficult. But I can tell you that this is the lowest and hardest point, and it (so-far) things will only improve.

Advice? Sometimes friend breakups are necessary. Don’t worry, you WILL have friends again. Keep trying groups until you find your fit. If “cool” people don’t give you the time of day, they’re not that cool.

Don’t throw the copy of Pokemon Yellow she gave you in the bin though, you’ll regret that.

What you won’t regret is keeping trying. You’ll turn up every day and try, and look for opportunities, and hope that the next year will be better. I’m so proud of you. You hold faith that one day your skills will get you out of there, and I promise you they will.

Oh, and you don’t have to be a girl if you don’t want to ;) No really, it’s true! I swear!

d / they / great lakes

why yes, yes, follow your hunch you’re not getting the whole story here. read everything by Leslie Marmon Silko, Louise Erdrich, James Baldwin, Paulla Gunn Allen, Toni Morrison, Audre Lorde, and all black and/or native women and/or queer writers you can find <3

Ollie Donald / they ᛫ he / Northampton, MA

you’re gay, and that’s okay! it’s great, actually! you’re also trans and you won’t know this for a while. it will be hard and worthwhile and wonderful. i love you, keep going. there’s a lot of cats out there, and you’re going to love and be loved.

Sarah L. / she / Queens, NY

Don’t be so ashamed of loving the things you love. You don’t need those tiny, preppy bitches to like you. One day, those things will be mainstream and you’ll feel silly for hiding your love for them. This also applies to those tingly feelings you get about girls. Don’t waste your time pretending to dream about boys, it will never bring you happiness. Oh, and eat everyday. Being strong is so much better than being skinny.

Amanda T. / she ᛫ they / Boston

There are parts of your identity (sexuality, non-binary gender) that society won’t have names for until you’re out of college. So stop comparing yourself to others and just embrace everything unique about you! Keep using your imagination to build futures outside the binary, and remember that creativity is a muscle–exercise it regularly, so that you don’t have to rebuild it from scratch as an adult.

Anonymous / she

I love you so much. You will survive this.

J / they / Chicago

Head down, thumbs up. You’ll get out when you can. Everyone’s survival looks a little bit like death sometimes.

Anonymous / she ᛫ they / Australia

You already know yourself very well. You know what you care about, you know what you do and don’t like, and you know how to stick to your own needs and boundaries despite the culture you are surrounded by. After being outcast and ostracised for years, you have already learned how to define yourself on your own terms, and you’ve shown yourself that you have the internal strength to withstand social pressures and behave in the way you think is right.

But after years of ostracism, you will need to heal. We live in a culture that trivialises bullying, and does not properly acknowledge it as a form of abuse that creates genuine trauma. You will have to hold on to your own understanding of the past and how it affected you, despite facing denials and self-defensive platitudes from the adults who were around you. You will need time to learn how to let down your walls and trust in new friendships, and you will have time. Your ongoing efforts to understand and remember emotional and social experiences will give you insights that will help you give better support for the people who earn your trust. In high school, your self-knowledge, self-possession and emotional independence will give you the ability to stand up and argue against the new set of bullies, and their homophobia and rape culture, not just for your own sake but also on behalf of friends who have been intimidated into silence. You will know your power and you will be equipped to start on your journey of advocacy and activism from an early age.

Importantly, you will be able to see these strengths as consequences of your past experiences; but you will understand that the suffering was not necessary to your growth, and rather than being a passive consequence of your trauma, your empathy and strength comes from your own moral decisions about how you have chosen to respond in the face of cruelty. You will be able to see the value of your capacity to put certain emotions aside, to wall yourself off, and to channel your anger productively; but you will never believe that emotions are a sign of weakness, because that would mean becoming like those who mistreated you, and you will understand that sensitivity and emotion are crucial to humanity and empathy. You will need time to let down your barriers of learned mistrust, and let in the people who will become your friends; you will need time to believe that you are wanted; you will need time to develop suitably healthy and high expectations for the behaviour and qualities you expect from your friendships, and time to practise letting down the mask and allowing your face to show emotions again. All recovery takes time.

But you know who you are; you know what you need; you have high self-respect and the internal security to be who you need to be. Over time you will have new experiences, some of which will be new wounds, and you will find new questions arising over how best to understand others’ emotions, and how then to act. You do not know everything about yourself; your understanding of yourself will shift as different situations bring out different sides of you, different self-perceptions, and different changes to your emotional state. You can look forward to change, to new and more interesting problems – you won’t be trapped in the same story forever. But for right now, you know what the story has been, and you know what emotional journey you will need to take. You know yourself well enough to see it through.

Chloe K. / she / Austin, TX

It’s ok to have crushes on your friends! You don’t need to write a letter to your friend Brooke on the last day of sixth grade explaining that you can’t stay friends in middle school because you’re in band and she’s a cheerleader. It’ll only make you feel guilty for the rest of middle school, and it won’t magically make you less gay. Take as long as you need to come out to your friends, but don’t punish yourself in the meantime. You deserve love.

Layla / she / Zagreb, Croatia

Dear L.,

I am so proud of you. You don’t see it yet, but you shine with a light nothing can diminish. Because of you, and your perseverance, and sacrifices no 12-year-old should have ever been forced to make, I am alive, I am healthy, I have friends, and I have come out. If it weren’t for your dedication, your intelligence, your empathy, and courage, I would not be here.

My only advice for you is to keep going. It gets better, it really, really does. Just take it one day at a time. And please, in the meantime play, have fun, run free, enjoy this beautiful life you have given me.

Yours, L (31)

Nic / she ᛫ they / Massachusetts

Your intuition is correct, despite everyone’s assertions to the contrary. You’re not going through a phase, and you’re not too young; what you ARE is a baby gay. And although there’s basically no representation out there for you right now, people like you do exist. It won’t always be this lonely.

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