Welcome to the 94th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We do this column TWICE a month.
Every other A+ Advice box of the month is themed! This month’s (December’s) theme is OUR ANXIETIES. What makes you anxious? Whether it’s a lifelong issue or a recent (unpleasant) surprise, let’s talk it through. Do you find that you’re anxious about saying the wrong thing or that you’re constantly ruminating on what someone else (your boss, your partner, a friend, people on the train) think of you? Are you always checking your closets for The Killer? Us, too, unfortch, but you know what, let’s get it out in the open. You honestly have an extension until MONDAY December 11th to get your questions in!
Then there are general Into the A+ Advice Boxes, where we take questions on practically any topic. You can send questions on any topic, at any time. Submit those questions into the A+ Contact Box which I’ve also embedded here:
AF+ Contact & Advice Inbox
So, now, let’s dig in!!
Q1:
How can I support my partner grieving the rejection from their family for being queer?
A:
Nico: Rejection from family can be one of the hardest things to go through because it results in just what you said, grief. That rejection can feel like a death, and so I’m so glad that you’re thinking about your partner as they’re going through this grief. I’m not sure of the particulars of your situation, but I will say to expect that this rejection is going to take a long time to process and that your partner may feel differently or change their mind or perspective over time. With that, my advice is to not be too surprised if one day they’re livid and the next day they’re thinking about reaching out or they’re despondent. Grief whips us around in unexpected ways and it’s a long road to getting to a place of acceptance and a little peace.
Luckily (luckily? Weird choice of words, but…), many queer and trans people also have dicey relationships with their families. It’s why we’re so known for chosen family. Especially around this time of year, a great way to support your partner (if they’re down) is to take the lead in helping to cultivate connections, activities, time spent with queer friends and chosen family. It’s important not to let this rejection become isolation.
As much as you can within your relationship, find ways to be a safe space for your partner. You can be there to listen, to distract, to get angry with them — whatever they might need. The best way to find out what they need from you in the moment is to ask. (Again, because this is likely to fluctuate over time.) It’s a great practice in a relationship to ask someone who is expressing upset whether they want you to listen, to talk things through with them, or to help find solutions. Sometimes, someone doesn’t want to search for solutions, but a listening ear will go a long way, you know? And sometimes, there will be nothing to do, because there is nothing to be done about the situation but for your person to go through the grieving process. And that’s okay.
Also, you don’t mention what your situation is, but don’t forget to take care of yourself! Supporting a partner through a tough time is an important part of a long term relationship, but it’s also draining even though no one talks about that part! Make sure you also have time with friends, time to yourself, whatever recharges you so that you can show up as your best self for your partner. You’ve got this!
Drew: I agree with Nico and will add that part of supporting your partner might include an understanding that no matter how much love you give them, how much chosen family you form together, they still will probably need time for this grief. I think it’s important to be supportive with words and actions and supportive with patience and maybe even space. Like any grief, sometimes the only way to heal is time. And, even still, the scar may never go away fully. But your presence and support can make that process much less painful!
Kayla: I want to reiterate that patience will be the most important thing here. You can and should ask your partner directly how you can support them right now, but you also have to accept it if the answer is “you can’t” or “I don’t know,” especially if this is a relatively new development — but also even if it isn’t! Keep showing up for your partner the way you would no matter what; it’s possible the best thing you can give them right now is stability and a sense of normalcy. So, yes, ask how you can support. But also know they might not have a specific ask yet and that they might just want you to keep doing things the way you’ve been doing.
Q2:
I was recently laid off but I am a software engineer with 6 years of experience. I have no doubt I can get a job once the new year starts, probably by the end of March. I’ve got my severance and emergency fund and I am basically taking December as a month vacation.
Do I explain that as I am trying to date? And at what point? I’m jobless, but with a plan and realistic goals.
A:
Ashni: First of all, I’m sorry about the layoff! I know that tech layoffs are more of a thing now than they were in years past, but that doesn’t make it any easier. You seem to be taking it well, and I’m glad that you have severance and an emergency fund to lean on. Also, you have a plan! A plan is huge. I don’t think you need to share your employment situation unprompted, but if the question of your job comes up on a date (and I think it might!) I would be transparent about the situation. For what it’s worth, I think most people will be understanding and empathetic. It’s a tough economy right now! When I took time between a layoff and my job hunt, I feel like people were v understanding. It was a little indulgent and scary, but also deeply rewarding. I hope that this time is that for you! Good luck with dating, and with the job hunt in the new year!
Nico It honestly sounds like you’ve got things together and figured out, and so I feel like, surely, people will be understanding! Are we really judging people for dating while between jobs in 2023? In this economy? I think you can be honest with dates, and if they do judge, then they’re probably not a good fit.
Kayla: I think if you want to share it, there’s no real harm in doing so! There’s also no real harm in not getting into it with casual partners. Like Nico said, most people will be pretty understanding of job precarity in this economy. While I don’t think there’s any real risk of sharing it (unless someone is just an asshole?!), I also think it isn’t deceptive to not get into your exact financial situation on casual dates.
Q3:
i am in a long term monogamous relationship and have a crush on someone else? i am still very much in love with my wife and have no desire to act on this crush or otherwise enter the poly space but it feels weird to have a crush on someone else. is this normal or cheating or am i going to burst into flames?
A:
Nico: So, while people subscribing to relatively unhealthy or toxic forms of monogamy might define having a crush on someone else as cheating, I am here to tell you it’s really not! It sounds like you’re not interested in acting on this crush and like you’re not going to. Crushes happen. They come, they go, and you get to decide what you do or don’t do about them while you’re under the weight of one. It might help to get some distance from your crush if you can. You don’t mention how you know your crush, so it’s hard to tell how much space you can get, but it will probably help to take a break from them if you can. Of course, that gets more complicated if, say, you two are close friends. But, still, often, a crush that’s not acted upon and not talked about will usually fade over time, even if it’s uncomfortable in the present.
Drew: Crushes are very normal!! It was always important to me in monogamous relationships for my partner and I to be able to talk openly about our crushes. In part, because it was fun. But also because not talking about them often caused them to fester. Feeling like you have to keep this feeling a secret can make it feel SO IMPORTANT when it’s really not. Of course, this depends on who the person is and what your dynamic is with your wife. Like if you have a crush on your best friend and your wife is a jealous person I understand why you wouldn’t want to share. But maybe it would help to share with somebody? A friend? That said, even if you decide you can’t confide in anyone I promise this crush, like all crushes, will fade, and that you’re doing nothing wrong but having a feeling.
Q4:
How are we dealing with depression due to our cycles?? A couple days before my period, I’ve been getting severely depressed. I’ve decided to start being super mindful of when this particular day (or sometimes up to a 72 hour period) is on its way so that I can go easy on myself and tell myself that it’s just The Hormones. BUT IT IS SO BAD. I dunno I just feel so despondent and irritable and get irritable with everyone and don’t want to do anything and do I have to lose 3 days (10%?? Of my month??) to this??????? How are we living and surviving this?
A:
Kayla: I think you’re already on the right track by tracking when this day/72 hour period is going to hit so you can be aware and know it’s the hormones, but maybe take that foresight one step further and actually make intentional self care plans around those days. It’s hard to be prescriptive without knowing more about what tends to feel the best when you’re depressed — but whether that’s allowing yourself genuine rest or having someone around in a casual low stakes way like watching a movie together, I think make those specific plans as best you can for those days. Have something to look forward to so there’s not a looming sense of doom.
Q5:
I have a younger queer family member who I’m very close with!! I love them immensely, and it’s so rare to grow up with someone and then for both of you to realize that on top of everything — you’re both gay!! I treasure our relationship a lot, which is why I have recently been struggling.
After a short dating period (significantly less than a year), this family member has gotten engaged to their girlfriend/now fiancée. There’s a few red flags to their relationship, in addition to the short dating time period — none of which are “harmful,” I don’t mean to imply that! Just more of the “I think this is going to crash and burn” variety.
But now I feel stuck, I want to support this family member who I adore in all of their choices, but also I think they might be heading into a sticky situation, and I find myself biting my tongue about it because I don’t want to cause them pain or hurt their feelings. Is it better to just keep my thoughts to myself? Or should I try to at least leave some breadcrumbs that this new chapter might be a bad idea? If I do keep it to myself, how do I make space to genuinely be excited about this engagement and nuptials? Because I want to be happy for them! I’m just.. Yeah, like I said, I’m feeling stuck. Please help!
A:
Valerie Anne: I think there are two things you could do here, but ultimately they lead to the same ending. One is taking the straightforward approach: you could ask your family member if they want advice. Since you’re close, you’ll know the best way to approach it/phrase it, but you can start with a larger hypothetical. “Hypothetically, are you interested in advice about your relationship or would you rather not discuss it?” The second is that you could pick a very specific example of something that happened and try to bring it up (vs. being very general “hey I think this might crash and burn”), like if they mention a certain thing their fiancée says or does that is a red flag, you could say, “I didn’t love the way she talked to you/treated you when x, y, z happened, does that happen a lot?” and feel out how that conversation is going. If small attempts to talk to your family member about it seem like it would cause more harm than help, it’s not worth risking your relationship; you don’t want them to push you away, especially if you anticipate they’ll need the support eventually. The truth is, if it truly isn’t anything harmful or abusive, their relationship looking like something that will crash and burn is only your opinion; maybe something that wouldn’t work for you will end up working out great for them. Or, maybe you’re right and it won’t last, but sometimes lessons are best learned the hard way and all we can do is watch the people we love make mistakes, and prepare ourselves to be there for them if and when it does crash and burn, without an “I told you so,” but instead with open arms and a shoulder to cry on.
Nico: As someone who wished, deeply, that someone would have said something to me in situations like this, I am very pro trying to breach the subject in a straightforward and 1:1 way! Could this not go well? Sure, but at least you’re opening up space for conversation. I think we live in a general society (at least in the US if you live here) where marriage is really pushed on us as a way to be happy and THEN once it’s announced, everyone else gets really excited about it, making it even more difficult to back out of. If they don’t listen, then, yeah, I agree with Valerie, you probably need to back off. But worst comes to worst, your relative makes their own mistakes and they know you’ll still be there for them. I wish I knew more about the “red flags” you’re seeing here, but without that info, I can’t speak too much more to it. Less than a year does seem unusual for an engagement, but everyone is different, also! Sending you tons of love and wishing you and your relative luck! I’m really glad they have you, too!
Q6:
I’m not a board games person because I’m not very competitive in nature and in fact get stressed out in intense competition environments. But my partner and their family love to play games, and there’s always a lot of game nights around the holidays. I can always opt out, but I also want to try. They’re open to new games, so I’m wondering if there are any board games that are good both for the game lovers and the game skeptics so I can maybe bring some things to play this year.
A:
Valerie Anne: Oh, yes! There are so many tabletop games that are cooperative instead of competitive, which might be more up your alley! I’ve played and loved the game Pandemic before…but that was before I lived through one, so I guess that one depends on how dark your partner’s family’s sense of humor is. But there are similar games out there like maybe Zombicide or Flash Point Fire Rescue is more the vibe. And the Pandemic franchise actually has other themes, like Reign of Cthulhu, where the pandemic isn’t a literal human disease but the concept is the same. Team games can also be fun and a little less reliant on your specific competitiveness; for example, like Codenames. I would try to find one that is relevant to your interests, something you could get invested in. You can get as general as “mystery” (there are a few Sherlock Holmes and murder mystery games out there), or specific (if you love trains, there’s Ticket to Ride). Or maybe you like word games like Scattergories that are a little less cutthroat than, say, Monopoly. Having more of an interest in the topic at hand might make you feel a little more into the spirit of playing, even if you never feel a competitive drive to win.
Kayla: I echo Valerie’s suggestions for cooperative games! They can totally change your idea of what a board game is. I also think it’s totally valid if you just want to sit game night out or just watch others play. If the family gives you a hard time, give them a hard time back lol. Sort of jk but not really! You can also give yourself some other “role” to do while they’re playing games like concessions/bartender and bring snacks and drinks to them as they’re playing. Or for intense games, you can also be the “ref” to make sure no one’s cheating. All this to say: You can be a part of the game without actually having to play if that’s what you prefer!
Q7:
Hi Autostraddle team! My problem is simple… I hate my friend’s new partner. But here’s where it gets complicated… I think they do too?? In the past when I’ve disliked my friends’ partners I’ve just held my nose and thought… well if they’re happy I’m happy! But I can’t even say that this time because they don’t seem happy? In fact this person is like the 2.0 version of their ex who they now admit sucks… so what do I do?? How do I guide them away from making the same mistake again? Or do I have to just let them date this shitty new person? (The new partner isn’t abusive… she’s just kind of an asshole.)
A:
Nico: Someone doesn’t have to be abusive to be a bad match! And sometimes, people get into patterns or seek out the same types of personalities without realizing it. A relationship with ups and downs can become addictive, too, for some folks, even though they know that it’s not healthy. I think that the best thing you can do in this situation as a friend is to attempt to be honest. There’s a chance that your friend won’t want to hear it, in which case, it’s probably not a good idea to push because then you’ll run the risk of alienating your friend. But, if you’re friend’s as sick of it as you say they seem to be, they might welcome the validation that they’re not delusional. Then, that might help them do something about it!
Q8:
I really struggle to bind my 38gg chest. Any tips?
A:
Motti: I feel for you! I myself am a 36G and know this struggle very well. Unfortunately, something that helped me in my binding journey was letting go of the goal to flatten my chest and instead aim to just reduce the size as much as possible. It sucks – because when you see smaller chested folks get all the way flat you want to believe that you can do that too, but at the end of the day it’s a matter of tissue mass. There is no physically reasonable way for me to flatten my breasts. So, I’ve learned that positioning them to look more like “pecks” has been helpful… if I can’t make them flat then I can at least make them more masculine seeming. I do this by lifting my tissue up and to the side (towards my armpit) so that the tissue is sitting higher than where it would in a sports bra/regular bra/no bra because they sag a bit. I’ve also watched along trans fashion creators and learned about how patterned shirts go such a long way in concealing your chest, which is something I started to do in addition to binding. Designs, graphic tees, etc. all really help in hiding the chest a bit more than a solid color top does. I also started wearing tops that were about a size too big for me so that my chest in the binder wasn’t pressed so tightly against the shirt, and therefore accentuating it. I’ve heard from larger chested folks that trans tape works well for them but I personally had a bad experience with it, so I can’t speak to it.
Nico: I have also heard / witnessed larger chested folks having issues with trans tape, even leading to some scarring on their skin. So I’m not sure I recommend it for larger chested folks (or that I would try it, tbh)! I’d be cautious or look online (reddit, youtube) for advice on how to use it safely with larger chests. Also, I am hearing that the binder max is a safe way to bind with some decent compression. I do have one (but have a small chest) and can confirm it’s got squeeze! My understanding is that this binder can be worn for up to 6 hours so long as you aren’t feeling any pinching or discomfort (if that starts with any binder, you should take it off). Motti’s helpfully provided the following checklist for a safe binder sizing / fit:
- My Binder feels snug on my skin and evenly compresses.
- My Binder is not pinching, digging or rubbing.
- My Binder covers my whole chest without riding up.
- I can breathe easily in my binder.
