Q:
Hello, when my girlfriend and I met we both said that we are ‘switch.’ After months together I see that I am a switch and she is a bottom. With her as a bottom I am always on top, always. I really want her to touch me but she’s just not into it and she doesn’t know why. I like her a lot. What do I do?
A:
First and foremost, you have to talk to your girlfriend. I really hope you’ve already taken that step already. It sounds like you may have, because you say your girlfriend doesn’t know why she doesn’t want to touch you, which I hope is something she actually said and not you making a guess. And look, if she doesn’t know why, she doesn’t know why! That’s for her to unpack — if she wants to.
Does your girlfriend know you want her to touch you? Have you been able to talk about these things during a non-sexual context so there isn’t pressure in the moment? Has this been an ongoing conversation? Has your girlfriend said anything other than she “doesn’t know why” she’s not into it? Have you both been clear with each other about what you want? I get it! Talking about sex can be uncomfortable! But it’s way worse to leave things unsaid and potentially create a much bigger problem.
Switch, top, and bottom are not necessarily fixed categories. People’s interests and desires change all the time. It’s possible your girlfriend really believed herself to be a switch when you met her. But sometimes, we don’t have those things fully figured out yet or those things change. In any case though, a big part of why you absolutely need to have an open, empathetic, and honest conversation with your girlfriend is because this seems to be about more than just switch/top/bottom dynamics.
In case it needs to be said: Bottoming does not typically mean never touching another person. It’s overly simplistic to conclude that because your girlfriend doesn’t want to touch you she’s a bottom because, well, that’s not inherently what bottoming is. I mean, sure, these sexual dynamics are different for everyone, and definitions for switch/top/bottom can be flexible and expansive. But it sounds like you are deciding your girlfriend is a bottom when maybe there’s something else going on here. Have you asked her explicitly about any of this? Has she said she’s actually a bottom rather than a switch or is this an inference on your part?
There are a whole slew of possible reasons for why your girlfriend doesn’t seem to be into touching you, so I don’t want to speculate on her behalf. But it very likely has nothing to do with you, which I want to reiterate, because I know it’s easy to internalize a dynamic like this as rejection. But that’s exactly the cycle I’m hoping you can avoid here. If you and your girlfriend aren’t able to talk about what’s going on, she might continue to not want to touch you, and you might become insecure, and she might feel pressured, which might make you feel bad, which might repeat the cycle all over again. It’s not sustainable.
It sounds like your idea of your sexual dynamic with your girlfriend isn’t lining up with the reality of it. This happens all the time. It’s possible she’ll never fit the idea you had. New Relationship Energy sometimes yields a much different sexual dynamic than people’s baseline desires. But also, based on your letter, I can’t tell if the sex at the beginning of the relationship was actually different than it is now or if your expectations were entirely based on you both saying you were switches when you met. Did your girlfriend go from touching you a lot to not touching you at all? Or has she never really touched you during sex? Either way, it’s important you don’t make your girlfriend feel like this is a “problem” to be “fixed,”—it’s not. Sexual incompatibility just happens sometimes! And it can be a lot more complicated than whether someone identifies as a switch, top, or bottom.
Be clear and honest about what you want with your girlfriend. But also know she might not have answers right away. It’ll be up to you to decide if you’re willing to wait while she figures out what she wants. Because it also definitely matters what you want. You deserve to be touched the way you want to be touched. It’s just possible this person can’t provide that for you. This is a new relationship, and sometimes people’s sexual desires just aren’t compatible, but it’s better to figure it out sooner rather than later. Trying to mash incompatible desires together doesn’t really work long-term. It could lead to a lot of resentment or worse. But I can’t tell you what’s going on in your girlfriend’s head. I just think it might help you to approach these conversations in a way that goes beyond the context of switch/top/bottom.
