Welcome to the 31st edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box because they wanted their questions answered in a space that is not accessible by Google, their mom, their ex, etc. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Previously, we have included such questions in our epic Some Answers to Some Questions You Have Been Asking Us, and in most cases that is still the plan. But some questions were a lot longer or more in-depth and deserved their own place in the sun. Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.
We solicited answers from the whole team, so let’s dive in!
Q1:
My partner and I both love dirty talk, and I have no problem using it when I’m fucking my partner – the words just seem to spill out without me even trying. I’m in charge when it comes to sex, and sometimes I want to direct my partner to fuck me or go down on me, but it’s the only time that I seem to get stuck and can’t find the words. We’ve talked about this a few times and there’s no issue of consent – she wants me to tell her what to do as much as I do. I’m not sure why I get shy about this, but I want to stop being self-conscious and give us both what we want! Any favorite phrases, places to start, or ways to find confidence when I want my partner to fuck me back? Does this article already exist?
A:
Carolyn: So I’m a dork. And as a confirmed dork, my favorite approach to all dirty talk scenarios – sexting, phone sex, voice notes, in-person sex – is to figure out the idea of what I want to say in advance so I have more idea of what to say in the moment. Sometimes this is specific phrases, and sometimes it’s more of a general idea of the set of activities and tones involved. I will also practice how the words feel in my mouth when no one’s around so they feel less vulnerable to say around another person (unless feeling vulnerable saying them is the point, in which case… I still say them to myself out of context a little first, but fewer times). If you’re feeling stuck in the moment, brainstorm phrases specific to your dynamics outside of the moment, and try them out alone (possibly with a sex toy to hand) to see how you feel about them.
Ro: I love Carolyn’s “dirty talk rehearsal” suggestion! I also want to add that it’s totally ok to repeat certain words and phrases while you’re engaging in dirty talk. Some people even prefer this, because specific, repeated words and phrases are what get them off (“Good girl,” “It’s ok,” “Be a slut for me,” etc.). If you’re feeling stuck, find some phrases that you can repeat while you figure out what you’ll say next.
Kayla: Echoing all of the above and also I just want to emphasize that it could end up taking a bit of trial and error before you find out exactly what works best for you/feels the most comfortable. If something ends up being accidentally awkward, that’s okay! It happens all the time. Don’t get too hung up on the awkwardness and instead just try something else next time until you find the right words for you. Also don’t be afraid to try out something super simple (which can still be plenty dirty!) like literally just “fuck me” or “touch me.” Those simple commands can do a lot! And then it can also create a simple base to build from like “fuck me like X” etc.
Q2:
My doctor always recommends that I go on birth control to “balance my hormones.” I’ve never found it medically necessary but I’m curious if anyone has had an amazingly positive experiences with BC in this way! I’m especially curious to hear about BC experiences from queer woman so thought this could be a helpful place to ask – thanks so much!
A:
Ro: A lot of people rely on birth control for their hormonal health, and it’s a totally valid (and convenient!) option! My personal experience with birth control wasn’t great, but that doesn’t mean that it won’t work for you. I used birth control to balance by hormone in my teens and early ‘20s. At the time, my doctor told me that taking birth control was medically necessary because my body was making almost no estrogen, which is something I needed for my reproductive health and bone health. Birth control definitely increased my estrogen, so in that sense, it worked. But I hated how it made my feel (my worst symptom was intense mood swings). I ended up going off of BC and looking into alternatives. I was able to raise my estrogen through diet and lifestyle changes instead, which felt much better in my body.
I’m not a doctor and don’t know what your specific hormonal issue is, but know that if you decide to use birth control, you might need to try a few different options before you find something that works for you. This seems to be the case for most people who are using birth control for reasons other than pregnancy prevention. If you decide that you don’t want to use BC right now, there might be other things you can do to try to balance your hormones. Those options aren’t always accessible to everyone, since they require a lot of time, research, and money for naturopathic doctors and/or nutritionists who can guide you through the process. If you have insurance, birth control might feel like a more sustainable option for you.
Kayla: I have lots of (queer) friends who have gone on birth control for a whole slew of reasons and who have had really good experiences! My personal experience with birth control was not so great (I had at least a dozen side effects even on the lowest dose), and unfortunately the only way to really figure out how your body and mind are going to respond is to try it. I’m also not a doctor and don’t know the specifics of your needs, but if you think it is something that could help you out, I would suggest researching some of the different options available. If you do try something, make sure to be honest and direct about any side effects you experience with your doctor so that if you have to try something else, those things can be taken into consideration.
Q3:
Hi Autostraddle, I work at a pretty accepting company where people are gradually starting to include their pronouns in communication (woo!). I’d like to do the same, but for some reason it feels… weird when I think about adding she/her next to my name. I’ve always assumed I’m a cis woman but honestly when it comes to thinking about my gender I just don’t care, and even typing the word “woman” felt forced. I think I’m happiest when I don’t think about my gender. Occasionally strangers have referred to me as “he” and it felt good, but was it just because I wasn’t expecting it? I would be fine with people using any pronouns but don’t have enough of a preference to ask people for this.
I don’t think I’m questioning my gender because I don’t particularly care. Mainly I’m asking whether I should be explicit about she/her pronouns even if it feels off. I know by not being explicit I’m basically “defaulting” to she/her anyway and I feel bad treating cis as the “default” so… how can I be a good trans ally without feeling like I’m asking people to see me in a way that I don’t see myself?
A:
Ro: You don’t have to claim a specific set of pronouns if that doesn’t feel right for you. If you’re comfortable with any pronouns, your email signature can be “[your name] – any pronouns.” Some of your coworkers might interpret this as some kind of “coming out,” but it doesn’t have to be. If they treat your new email signature as if it’s some grand announcement of a new identity, let them know that you’re the same you — pronouns just aren’t super important to you. As a bonus, being open about your own pronoun fluidity might inspire your coworkers to experiment with their pronouns or embrace a broader range of pronouns, too.
Q4:
Hi-
After a couple of years of suppressing my attraction to men, I am now comfortable using the term bisexual again, and am seeing a really great guy. But I’m having a lot of bisexual sadness. It’s really alienating. I also want to look visibly queer. Like, I want to get an undercut and dye my hair and get a lot of tattoos. But I’m afraid it will scare off this guy. Isn’t that fucked? My friends all tell me to just do what I want; dress how I want, and I’m trying but it’s hard. I also have this feeling that if I try to present more visibly queer I’ll come off as a try-hard? For example, I really like Archie’s style. But I feel like if I tried to look like them, it would just come off as me trying way too hard. I hadn’t shaved my pit hair in literal years before this guy and right before I slept with him I shaved my pits. Even though I think pit hair is sexy! And now I’m like, “well, I guess I’ll just grow it back” but for some reason it feels really hard to be like, “i want to look so queer,” or just start doing it and wait to see if he notices/bolts.
Should I have an explicit conversation with him? Should I get an undercut?
Also, how to deal with the bisexual sadness?
I really like him, and I’m done suppressing my desire for men. But there are times when I just feel so homeless, community/identity-wise.
A:
Carolyn: To answer only part of this question, I totally get feeling like you have to look a certain way lest you scare off a dating partner and also if looking the way you want to look scares someone off, they are probably best out of your life anyway.
Nicole:Â With a note that this roundup of resources was made in 2016, there might be some helpful stuff in this list of 22 articles about bisexuality from Autostraddle. There’s a whole thread for people in relationships with cis men. My advice is to look the way that makes you most comfortable with yourself and that feels honest with yourself, and, to echo Carolyn, if a partner really truly can’t get on board with that, it’s probably not meant to be.
Q5:
A friend of mine passed away unexpectedly from Covid about three months ago. The other week her spouse posted on social media that they were starting to see someone else. I think it’s tacky and gross even in my most charitable reading of the situation. Obviously it wasn’t my marriage, but it just feels wrong to me and I’ve decided that I don’t want to communicate with the spouse any more. We were never close anyway. Am I overreacting or being irrational?
A:
Ro: I’m so sorry that you lost your friend in such a sudden and devastating way. Processing grief can take a long time, and it often brings up intense, unexpected emotions (like anger). That said, it’s not your place to judge how anyone else grieves, including your friend’s spouse. If you weren’t particularly close with your friend’s spouse in the first place and you need to remove them from your life while you sort through your sadness, then go ahead and do it. But you don’t need to share your opinions about their dating life before you step away.
Carolyn: I agree with Ro. I’d also add that you don’t know the dynamics of anyone else’s relationship, that what feels wrong to you is subjective, and that it’s fine to not keep people in your life if you don’t want them there butttttt it might also be worth considering whether your desire to stop talking to the spouse has anything to do with your own grieving process and not wanting to be reminded in that way of the friend you miss.
Kayla: I’m sorry for your loss, but just like you’re entitled to your own emotional reaction in your grief, so is your friend’s spouse. Your emotions don’t outweigh theirs here, and they’re allowed to grieve the way they want. You also can grieve the way you want (so long as you’re not harming anyone), and if that entails taking a step back from the spouse who you weren’t close with to begin with, then go ahead, but don’t burden them with your feelings about the way they’ve decided to grieve/move forward, because that isn’t fair to them.
Q6:
the last person i slept with really destroyed my sexual confidence. i used to have a pretty easy relationship to sex, and fake it till you make it worked for trying new things, but now it all just feels like a test i can’t possibly pass and i’m so anxious. i’ve been talking to someone new, and i really like her, but i feel like now i’m even more nervous than i was before my actual first time. how do i get that confidence back? how am i gonna be able to get her off if i’m so anxious i can’t even get myself off? this sucks.
A:
Carolyn: I have two answers: mindfulness and therapy. The latter will help you address the underlying anxiety issues, and sure, you could probably do some of that work alone, but you could also fast-track it with a professional if that’s an option available to you. The former is also pretty big, but developing a mindfulness practice specifically related to your sex life can help you connect with your own body and stay present during solo and partnered sex. With the caveat that the subtitle of the book is gendered, I love Dr. Lori Brotto’s Better Sex through Mindfulness for both an idea of why mindfulness can help and how to actually do it.
Kayla: I’ve absolutely been where you are and so I can share that it is absolutely possible to rebuild sexual confidence even after it takes a MAJOR hit. Now, unfortunately, I don’t think that the rebuilding process is super straightforward or necessarily the same for everyone. I agree with Carolyn that therapy can be immensely helpful (and did help me). I think it’s important to ask for the things you want in partnered sex—even if that’s scary! Sometimes, this can be easier to achieve via sexting initially. Also, don’t get too far ahead of yourself. Since you’ve just started talking to someone, get a feel for what she’s into and try to communicate what you’re into. Sometimes, the first time with someone new isn’t AMAZINGLY PERFECT right off the bat, because sex with everyone is different, so I think it can be helpful to remind yourself that any awkwardness that arises is NOT a result of your desirability/sexual skills and is rather just a matter of two new people figuring out how they best sexually fit. Tbh I found that sending a LOT of nudes and posting a LOT of thirst traps helped me rebuild some of my confidence. It’s okay to sometimes need a lot of outside validation, but it’s also very important to work on yourself, which is where some of the mindfulness that Carolyn talked about can be useful!
Q7:
Hi Autostraddle!
I am hoping y’all can help me put my finger on something that’s been giving me trouble.
I’ve been dating this awesome person for about three months now. Important context: We met online, we’ve met in person 3 times since the new year, we live 200 miles apart, plus, y’know, there’s a pandemic, plus she’s finishing up her senior year of college (I am not a student, fwiw). There are *so many* wonderful things about this relationship that I have not experienced before, some I didn’t think were things that I could ever actually have with a partner. The *unpleasant* thing that’s also new is what I’d like your take on- I can only describe this feeling as something like “time starvation.”
The two of us communicate at least a little every day (which is not typical for me, I don’t talk to anyone else every single day)- on busy days that’s texting, usually also sending a short video note. Once a week we have an evening set aside to spend together, and usually once or twice a week in between we’ll have a shorter video check in that could be anywhere from 20 min to 2 hours. I don’t think I’ve ever had this kind of regular, frequent communication with anyone else in my life and it really helps her feel like she’s not so far away. But I’m finding myself in these doom-spirals where it feels like there’s just not enough time to talk about everything we want to talk about and do everything we want to do together. There are some genuine constraints (other than the general “we both have lives,” our sleep schedules are pretty different and she’s in the last big nose-to-the-grindstone push to finish her thesis), but also if anything was terribly pressing we’d make the time to talk about it.
Can you help me with what is going on here for me? Is it just my anxious attachment style? My new years’ intention was to ask for what I need and I’m definitely growing in that regard, but especially this time panic is making me feel irrationally *needy.*
I really want to support her school work and have made it very clear to her that I understand that school should be #1 right now. I guess I’m trying to parse what parts of this are things I need to reframe for myself vs if there’s anything that I should be asking for from her right now (even though asking for what I need is hard). At the very least, do other people experience this??
Yours truly,
Gay Panic
A:
Ro: You’ve been dating this person for a few months, you’re feeling excited about the relationship and you want to know everything about your partner and spend lots of time with her right away. This happens to most of us, even when we’re not in a long-distance relationship. Because new relationships are exciting and addictive! Our brains and bodies are wired to want to go all in. But you don’t have to rush the process. You will have more time. Your partner will finish her thesis. More people will get vaccinated and travel will be safer. Eventually, spending time with your partner will be a little easier, and maybe looking to that future will calm some of your anxious thoughts.
In the meantime, it sounds like you’re looking for a little more consistency and comfort right now. This also makes sense! The world is stressful and scary, and we want to cling to the people we feel safe with. Right now, all of the time you spend with your partner is very intentional (like scheduled dates that are just devoted to spending time with each other). Maybe (if your partner is open to this) you can find ways to spend some less intentional time together from a distance. Get on Facetime and cook together or hop on Zoom together while you have some quiet time and computer work. You’re still doing your lives, but you’re together(ish). This might give you a sense of that normal, “we’re just quietly in space together” time that most non-long-distance couples get to experience in their relationships.
Kayla: What you’re experiencing happens a lot in long-distance relationships. There’s so much pressure to maximize the limited time that you spend together. That’s why I think Ro’s suggestion of spending more casual time together can be helpful! I also think it’s important to remind yourself often that this isn’t a race nor is it a finite thing. Just because you run out of time to talk about something during one call doesn’t mean that you can’t bring it up later. Even without a pandemic and other factors going on, I can speak from personal experience that the doom-spirals you’re going through often come with the territory of doing long-distance relationships. It’s what also makes it hard to work through conflict—you have so little time together that there’s a tendency to want to avoid fights. But if you focus too much on making sure that every conversation and moment spent together is PERFECT, you’re inevitably going to feel that sense of doom. Just because your time together is limited right now doesn’t mean it will be forever and doesn’t mean that your time together is finite. New relationships in general can feel exciting to the point of creating anxiety. It’s important to remember that you have soooo much time to get to know one another and connect and build a relationship and it doesn’t all have to happen at once. Instead of trying to make every moment together super significant and meaningful, try to be present. Try to remind yourself that it’s important for you to both be able to focus on things other than the relationship (like school in her case) and that while those other things might complicate things when it comes to time, it doesn’t mean that you’re getting any less of each other or missing out on something. Long-distance relationships require a lot of work when it comes to scheduling and connecting, and it’s okay to feel like it’s hard! But don’t let that difficulty cast a shadow on the moments you have together.
Q8:
When my roommates and I moved in together over the summer, we had a discussion about what we were and weren’t okay with in terms of staying safe from Covid. We all work from home, and the rules that were agreed upon ended up being that unless totally necessary, no one should be spending time indoors with people outside of the apartment. I obviously understood why that would be the safest thing, but I guess out of stir-crazy feelings, I started secretly hanging out regularly, usually unmasked, with a friend who also works from home. I’ve been doing this for months now and my feelings of guilt just keep increasing, especially as I’ve developed closer friendships with my roommates over the course of living with them. Basically, I’m not sure what to do. I feel like I should come clean to my roommates but I know they will feel betrayed and I want to be able to preserve our relationships since obviously we will all still have to be living in the same space together. I know what I’ve been doing is unfair to them, and that I should only see my friend masked and outside, but what I’m not sure of is whether it would cause more harm to tell my roommates or to not tell them. (Also it has been over 2 weeks since I last saw my friend so Covid risk isn’t really a factor in this decision).
A:
Ro: What you’ve been doing is absolutely not ok. You and your roommates set specific boundaries for everyone’s physical safety. If you wanted to reassess those boundaries, you could have brought it up with them, but instead, you chose to violate those boundaries and non-consensually put your roommates at risk. You need to tell them what’s been going on and accept that they might feel hurt and mad. Living in the same space with them might feel uncomfortable for a while, but they deserve to know the truth about your behavior. This conversation might lead to a reiteration of the boundaries you initially set together or a reassessment of those boundaries, if that seems like a viable option in your city.
Kayla: I agree with everything that Ro said and also want to push you slightly toward understanding that your framing of your predicament is kind of selfish under the guise of thinking of others. When you write that you’re not sure “whether it would cause more harm to tell my roommates or to not tell them,” you’re suggesting that you have everyone’s best interests in mind, but really NOT telling them mostly just reduces your own discomfort. Yes, your friends could be upset, but sparing them those feelings is not actually in anyone’s best interests or a way to reduce harm in this situation. I know it may sound like I’m being harsh, but I’m mostly just saying this because I think it’s often applicable to a lot of people’s choices other than your own. Just because people don’t know their boundaries are being broken or that they’ve been betrayed does not mean they are better off than if they did know. Moving forward, I think this could be a helpful thing for you to keep in mind if you end up in a situation like this again. And I do hope you’ll tell your friends the truth regardless of the discomfort it could create.
Q9:
The last year of lockdown has been really great for introspection for me and taking some time to journal about relationships and sexuality. I’ve always identified as bi, but I’m starting to realize that my attraction to men is more gender envy than anything. This has also been the year where I was introduced to Autostraddle! And I’ve found so so many things within the wlw community that really resonate with my experience. I’ve been wanting to explore more queer culture and try to connect with the lesbian community, but I’m living with my parents due to covid. There’s already a lot of weird feelings there as a 20something moving back home, but to add to it, I’m not out to my parents. I *think* they would be cool, but there’s a lot of emphasis on the *think* there. Do you have any advice for combatting the guilt of not being out or connecting with the community while not being out to family?
A:
Ro: You don’t have to come out to your parents until you’re ready. In the meantime, you can still engage with the queer community. I’m assuming that you have your own room or a private space you can use in your parents house. Use this space to attend virtual queer events. Go on Zoom dates if you want! You can tell your parents that you’re seeing friends or dating, but they don’t have to know that those people are queer. You might also be able to find some socially-distant, outdoor queer gatherings in your area. Browse Meetup.com or local Facebook events to find some.
I know you didn’t ask for coming out advice, but I wanted to add that if you’re pretty sure your parents will be comfortable with your identity, then you’re probably right. If/when you come out to them, be wary of presenting the information like it’s some big, heavy thing. If it’s not a big deal to you, then it probably won’t be a big deal to them.
Kayla: I totally can relate to the tension between wanting to become more involved in queer communities and not being fully out to family. I lived that experience for at least a couple of years, so trust me, what you’re going through is a pretty common experience even if it feels isolating in the moment. Sometimes it can feel like you’re split in two. But you don’t need to feel guilty about it—really. Just because you’re out in some contexts and not in others does not diminish your queer identity. People do this all the time, and while it can be hard, it’s not in any way a failure. If you put less pressure on yourself to come out to your parents, it might make it ironically easier to come out to your parents.
Q10:
Hi all.
Years ago, when I was in college, I met a friend called M for the purpose of this question lol. M and I were both English majors and in classes together and drifted apart after graduation, still connected on social media. Over the years, M has sporadically reached out to me in states of despair over her life and I’ve been concerned and worried about her. She’s a single parent, has struggled to make enough money, keep an apartment, etc. I’ve recommended counseling to her many times and she says it’s not worth the time. I’ve tried asking about other support systems she has, like siblings, as I don’t live in the same state anymore. She’ll generally disappear and then message me again months later, asking for help finding a job working from home as a writer (which is my job, and I know I’m lucky!).
At this point, I’ve sent her examples of some of my pitches, shared my current and former rates, and told her how I made money when I started freelancing. I truly don’t have more advice to give unless she figures out some for herself, in that she sort of repeats the same desire (wanting to make a certain amount of money or buy a home, etc) but doesn’t communicate doing any legwork (ie finding a specialty or actually writing a pitch, etc) to get started. I feel bad and want to be helpful but I also (obviously) can’t do it for her.
The most recent time we chatted (which is what spurred this question) she got a little nasty (or at least, that’s how it felt to me) and demanding and when I explained that it took me years to get to my current salary (which is true) and that I worked as a cashier when I started writing to make ends meet, she talked about life not being worth it, her wanting to give up soon anyway and it not mattering, etc. It really worried me. then the next day (today) she didn’t address it at all and repeated the same stuff about wanting to make money.
I’m trying to be compassionate because I know pandemic life is so, so hard and it can’t be easy being a single parent. But I feel sincerely worried for her mental state, as well as a little… used? Uncomfortable? with the way our interactions go. She sometimes comments on how jealous she is of my life but we never really chat about anything personal, interests, etc, and she never asks how I am. I know a lot of people would say to just block her or whatever, but I believe she’s being honest about her hardships and I don’t think she has much of a support system. I want to be helpful and caring but at this point I feel unsettled and I just don’t know how to handle this lovingly but also in an effective way.
Any advice? Thank you!
A:
Ro: You are clearly being thoughtful about this person’s circumstances, but it sounds like you’ve given her everything you can and have been clear about your limitations. It’s not your responsibility to give her work advice and take care of her emotional state, especially when it’s not a mutually-supportive relationship. This is when you need to set a boundary. And setting a boundary doesn’t have to be harsh! Acknowledge the hardships she’s dealing with, let her know that you’ve shared all the information you have to and ask her to stop contacting you (or give her specific ways of being in touch that feel more sustainable for you). Then stick to that boundary! You don’t have to give anyone your time, your support or your advice when they’re using you as a dumping ground for their woes.
Q11:
Apps in Covid-times, are they worth it?
Some context: I am a recently out bi-woman who has never been with a woman and I would like to meet other wlw but covid can’t back off. I really value irl conversation as I can tend to put on a persona for online presence.
Any thoughts?
xoxo new queer in (love) lockdown
A:
Himani: I think it depends on your goal. If you’re looking to make friends and build community, then I think try to find local groups that have transitioned to online events during the pandemic and go to those as frequently as you can. If you’re trying to date then my short answer (solely based on personal experience) — no, not worth it at all, unless you are ok with having a lot of intermittent short-term text conversations with strangers that one by one all fizzle.
Ro: Apps are SO worth it, as long as you transition the conversation from texting to phone calls and/or Facetime and/or socially-distant, outdoor hangs. I also have a hard time connecting with people via apps and text messages, but once I can hear a person’s voice or see their body move in space (whether that’s in person or on a screen), I get a much better sense of who that person is and whether or not I’m interested. Some of your app connections will fizzle out, but that happens whether or not there’s a raging pandemic. Even if you don’t find a capital ‘P’ Partner in this process, flirting is fun, and having that experience can boost your confidence for future, post-pandemic IRL dates.
Q12:
My partner and I have been dating for a little over a year and I don’t see this being a very long term relationship, but they do (am I already in a very long term relationship? Idk I’m new to this!)
I think they’ve been manipulative with some things (which honestly might send another advice question bc I can’t tell if something is manipulative or just normal (yay trauma!). All I know is that it doesn’t feel good when they do/say certain things)
I feel so much less anxious when I don’t have to be texting them. (Also they haven’t met my friends yet which they’re not happy about and I can’t say I blame them but it’s been a pandemic!!)
I know the right thing to do to break up with them, but they’re going through it at home with their family and they have terrible health anxiety/ocd which has been amped up by covid.
So I feel stuck. Is it okay to break up with someone who has severe health anxiety/ocd during a once in a lifetime pandemic? I feel like it isn’t okay to do that but I also know it’s not right to stay with someone when your heart isn’t in it.
Anyways, thank you for reading this mess. Any advice would be so appreciated !!
A:
Himani: I personally think that staying in a relationship with someone you don’t actually want to be in a relationship with is one of the most unkind things you can do to a person. You’re essentially lying to them about really intimate feelings and about something they are holding really dearly, and that is a much harder break up than if you end things honestly when it’s time for things to be over. It’s one thing if you were on the fence, but you sound pretty clear that you’re ready to end this relationship. At a minimum, you and your partner need to have an honest conversation about the direction of your relationship. In my view, a year is not an insignificant amount of time to be with someone, and so you both need to be on the same page about what you see for the future or not.
As for your concerns about the other things they are going through right now, again I don’t see how staying in a relationship that for you is (effectively) over will spare them any pain, grief or difficulty because one way or another your relationship is going to end. The longer you stay in it, the greater risk you run of saying or doing unkind things that undermine everything you had together, which is far worse than ending things in a way that preserves and honors what you had. And while it might be well-intentioned to stay together as they navigate everything else that’s going on, you’d also be taking their agency away by not being honest with them about how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking about your relationship.
Have the hard conversation that I think you know you need to have and allow them to consider what role, if any, they want you to have in their life moving forward.
Carolyn: If you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone, don’t be in a relationship with them. You don’t need our permission, but here it is anyway! Being honest is the most respectful thing you can do for either of you.
Ro: You said that you don’t see yourself in a long-term relationship with this person. You haven’t introduced them to your friends (sure, there’s a pandemic, but friend introduction can happen virtually or in a socially-distant way). You said that “it doesn’t feel good when they do/say certain things.” Your words and actions make it crystal clear that you’re ready to end this relationship. The reason why you’re ending it doesn’t matter – all that matters is that it doesn’t feel right to you. Trust your gut and get out.
Kayla: I feel like I encounter some version of this question constantly, and I don’t say that to dismiss what you’re asking, but I just think that ending relationships is hard and uncomfortable work and a lot of people therefore need extra encouragement that it’s the right thing to do, so here’s some extra encouragement: Please end a relationship if you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone. Other factors like their mental health and the pandemic can sometimes inform the way someone responds to a breakup, but they are not reasons to stay with someone you don’t want to be with. It’s harmful to everyone involved to stay together. It sounds like you know what you need to do, and even though it might be hard, you have to do it.
Q13:
Hi, I was diagnosed with ADHD just now at 36. I feel overwhelmed with information and sad it took me so long to get diagnosed. I am looking back with regret at what feels like a lot of failures. I had very little support as a child in a dysfunctional family. Any advice on how to handle this new diagnosis and finding ways of taking better care for myself? Thank you!
A:
Himani: I can’t speak to the specifics of the situation you’re describing, but it sounds incredibly difficult to realize something like that about yourself at this stage in your life. I’m guessing you’re already connected to the supports and services you need, given that you got the diagnosis, but, just in case, I think working with a therapist to process this new information in the context of what sounds like an incredibly difficult childhood sounds really important. (Although I say that knowing that therapy can be prohibitively expensive, and it can be hard to find a good fit. But I would strongly encourage you to look into options you can afford.) The other thing I just want to offer you: I hope you give yourself plenty of time, space and kindness to feel all your feelings about this — all the sadness, the pain, the loss, the anger and even, possibly, grief for what could have been.
I can’t relate to your specific situation, but I can relate to the experience of learning something new and important about yourself, something that was always there, at a point in your life when you think you had (or should have had) it all figured out. I imagine it will take a long time to settle into accepting this information, but through everything that happens and everything you feel, I hope you’re kind to yourself, kinder to yourself than you’ve ever been in your entire life. Maybe you can relate to this or maybe not, but sometimes, when we learn things like this about ourselves when we’re older, we blame ourselves for “not knowing sooner.” But, in these situations, we bear no blame. Any time we learn something new and important about ourselves is always the right time.
Q14:
Hi I’m sure you have answered this question before but what do you wear when formalwear makes you feel bad gender feelings???!!! Basically anything that isn’t jeans and a t-shirt sends me into a panic! I’m lucky that I work a job where I don’t have to wear “business casual” but for other professional or celebratory situations (job interviews, weddings) I am left completely baffled and uncomfortable! If I could leave my corporeal form and attend these things as a sentient mist I absolutely would but until then I just truly have no idea what to put on my body that will feel good! Fancy dresses are a no-go, as are things that look more traditionally masculine like suits, especially at like wedding-type situations. And don’t even get me started on the shoes oh my gosh!! Any advice you have would be so appreciated! (Also I am poor so wallet-friendly stuff would also be especially appreciated!)
A:
Himani: I started wearing jumpsuits for formal events before the pandemic, and it hit the sweet spot you’re describing for me — not a fancy dress but also not traditionally masculine. I live near enough NYC that Rent the Runway was a good way to try out different styles without having to invest a lot of money on a single piece of clothing. I also really like mixing more feminine pieces with more masculine styles. So, for instance, I personally love a well-fitted blazer and was starting to play around with mixing silk shirts or tops with lace/frills with a blazer, or very bold makeup with pant suits. I got my blazers at Banana Republic years ago and they really last, but honestly if I were to do it again I would just go to the Goodwill on the Upper Westside (or in whatever other fancy area) because OMG there are a lot of incredible clothes that rich people get rid of… As for shoes, for a lot of foot-problem-related reasons, I no longer wear heels and have one pair of black ballet flats that serve a lot of different roles in my life, when needed.
Ro: I love Himani’s jumpsuit suggestion! It sounds like staying away from more traditional “men’s” or “women’s” formal attire is what makes sense for you. It might also help to combine some formal wear with some “informal” wear. You can absolutely get away with this if it’s intentional and you pair it just right. This has been my style of choice at weddings, because when I wear a suit I look like a 12-year-old boy and that’s not comfortable for me or anyone else. Here are some looks and accessories I’ve tried:
-dress pants and a vintage band tee with a nice blazer over it
-dress pants with combat boots
-a bolo tie instead of a regular tie
-more traditionally formal wear with a giant biker skull ring
-nice black skinny jeans instead of dress pants (I’m a millennial)
